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Lament of The Wilted Helianthus; Albedo Aldrian Rajendra.
He was invited to share his moments in the documentary. But he just pretended it didn't exist. When the phone calls stopped ringing, to show they gave up contacting him. He couldn’t care less until a message from Xingqiu.
And he didn’t reply a single word. But is he sitting in front of the TV to watch the documentary? yes. Did he miss the person in question? yes. Did he miss Xingqiu too? yes. And would Xiao spend 2 hours of his life watching the documentary? He would, but only for two hours.
Little did he know, the full documentary was exactly for two hours.
The documentary starts off slow, it was everything that Xiao had known. Because he was always the moment for Albedo. He knows everything. Until there were familiar faces answering questions. They were all his friends during their uni days.
“How close are you with him?”
Ajax : “I was friends with him since our uni days, he was one of the nicest people I know.”
Mona : “We were in this circle of friends that we formed, he was one of the best people there.”
“We heard you were one of the closest people with Albedo and his previous partner.”
Xingqiu : “Yes, I was. But I’m closer to Xiao compared to Albedo. But I know them both very closely.”
Diluc : “I have known them both since we were kids. Since Floheart days, to uni days until now.”
“How did they end up together?”
Ajax : “ Through fights in the team.”
Aether: “I don’t exactly know how, but Xiao was very famous for his attitude so everyone likes him, he speaks very softly except when he was talking to Albedo, it was cute actually. Because it looks like kids that are always arguing but secretly care for one another.”
Xingqiu: “Albedo was Xiao’s first love and so does Xiao to Albedo. It was before Xiao continued his studies at Julliard. I was at the exact moment when they confessed to one another more like I called during them almost making out. It wasn’t the best moment but I’m happy for them. I was so happy for them.”
“They are their best version of themselves when they’re together, that’s what everyone else before me said. Do you agree with that?”
Kaeya: “Yes, absolutely. Albedo loves Xiao, a lot. I’ve seen Albedo thrived so much when he was with Xiao.”
Diluc: “When I was his recording partner, he worked so hard. He's a perfectionist, so his works are exceptional. But when Xiao is involved, it gets even better. It’s like there’s a life to it.”
Xingqiu: “I’ve seen things in their relationship… because when they fight they’ll come to me, when they want to decide what to ask the other for instance they’re going into the next stage of the relationship, they would ask my opinion as an outsider. So I’ve seen a lot but not everything. And I agree with that. They’re always in their best version of themselves for the sake of each other.”
“During his last moments, did you notice it?”
Ajax: “I didn’t know. Because he was extremely private by the end of it.”
Diluc: “I did see it, but he doesn’t want to be helped. He was heartbroken, and never moved on from it.”
Xingqiu: “Albedo had no one by the end of his life. He lost his parents in a car crash, and he got a divorce, I was through it all. It’d be crazy if I said I didn’t see it.”
“Do you blame the other person for this?”
Diluc: “No, it was not his fault. Albedo wouldn’t want anyone to ever blame Xiao.”
Hu Tao: “Xiao was the love of his life. I remember telling him that, Xiao gave people the love that is freeing and he (Xiao) deserves love that is freeing too. I said that before they started dating, and I didn’t know Albedo would take those words to life. I believed he gave the love that is freeing to Xiao until the very end. So, to say it is Xiao’s fault would be unfair, isn’t it?”
“Hu Tao was here too? Interesting.” Xiao muttered to himself.
Kaeya: “When we are sad, and when things are not exactly on our side, we would always blame something. To vent those feelings. To answer your question, yes but Albedo himself didn’t blame him. Why would anyone blame him?”
“When did you notice he changed?”
Aether: “After the divorce. He shuts himself from the world. He disappeared for a year then he came back for a while then he... left.”
Kaeya: “The divorce changed him a lot. He stopped doing music, he cancelled his shows. It was a hundred thousand worth of money. But he’s crazy rich, so maybe losing a couple of dollars wouldn’t hurt. He loves music but he loves the other person more.”
Hu Tao: “They both changed after the divorce. They both became a person I don’t recognize anymore.”
Xingqiu: “He changed before the divorce. Maybe people would say after, but it was before.”
Diluc: “Before the divorce.”
"What happened before the divorce?"
Xingqiu: “There’s only one person who could answer that.”
Diluc: “I don’t know but it was noticeable.”
“When he passed away, how hard was it for you?”
Ajax : “He’s a dearest friend of mine, he taught me a lot of stuff. It wasn’t that hard because when he left, he gave us a closure.”
Diluc: “He wanted that, he wanted it to be easy for everyone. So, there you go that’s the answer.”
Xingqiu: “It wasn't hard but it wasn’t easy either. He left this hole in everyone and it seems like the one that binds us all in one tangled string are them. Both of them play a role. So when one of them left, it was bearable. But when another person isn't here physically as well, it’s like we are all just acquaintances instead of friends. It was only hard because it wasn’t the same anymore.”
And everything blurs, every sound in the documentary becomes a white noise.
Close your eyes when you're tired.
Then the screen faded to black, the credit rolled after. He stayed there. Quiet. With eyes closed. He was indifferent the whole time, he got through the documentary like it was nothing until he heard the song played during the credit. It was Ryuchi Sakamoto’s The Sheltering Sky played on piano by Albedo.
Maybe that's the last straw, or maybe that's the beginning of his heart shattering.
He spent many pages recording his feelings, and fuck, his eyes are wet. He doesn't want to cry. He hasn't cried in earnest since they had the first fight leading to their divorce. At the back of his eyelids, he sees tons and tons of problems piling up into stacks of stones too difficult to lift. He slumped against the sofa, pulled up his knees to his chest, and cried because even if he was there to share his memories as Albedo’s husband... he probably would be crying the whole time, but now that he isn't anyone in Albedo's life anymore, he feels terribly, and incredibly, lonely.
Was it his fault that marriage couldn't even be saved, when he tried as hard as the latter? Was it his fault that one of them fell out of love? Was it his fault that even love alone couldn’t save them anymore? Was it his fault that the latter died?
If the good kind of love ended up killing someone who believed in it, was it ever good to begin with?
And if he had to answer the questions,
“How close are you with him?”
I was the love of his life. I was his boyfriend, I was his husband. I was everything to him.
“How did you guys end up together?”
It was complicated, the relationship was about to be okay. We were almost dating, something happened but we both gave up. I ended up chasing him again, and he came to me. And we work things out.
They are their best version of themselves when they’re together, that’s what everyone else before me said. Do you agree with that?”
I couldn't agree less.
“During his last moments, did you notice it?”
That he was suicidal? I knew he was suicidal even before we were in relationship. But during his last moments, I wasn't there. So, I’ll just say, I didn't notice it.
“Did you blame yourself for this?”
No but yes.
“When did you notice he changed?”
For once, he himself doesn't want to be saved. I noticed it throughout the whole marriage.
What happened throughout the marriage?
It was a loving marriage. Just us two, who enjoy everything together. But Albedo was sick, he had a frequent manic attack after the marriage. It was… hard because I wasn't ready to deal with it. I wasn't ready to deal with his frequent mood swings. I did survive, almost 20 years of those. And he survived too. He did his best. But the truth is, he doesn't want to be saved, that's why I left. Even if he loved me more than anything, he simply just didn't want to be saved. He relied on the pills but it's not working anymore for him. I left, for the better and for good. And he told me, it was okay to leave, maybe that's the form… of the good kind of love for him.
“When he passed away, how hard was it for you?”
We talked about this before, if someday one of us died first. How long would we stay at the grave? And he told me, he probably would stay there the longest. He probably would visit me every week and tell me stories about how his week goes. No, scratch that, he would be there everyday. I told him if he died, I would be the first to leave. Because grief is the only emotion I’m not good at. So I did, I didn’t even attend his funeral. I don't even know how it goes, even until now, I never visited his grave. Was it hard for me? I don’t even know.
“If you could turn back time, would it be different?”
Time works when you appreciate it. It would be different, if I had known earlier. But would I turn back the time to save him? No. Because once again, he didn’t want to be saved.
“Lastly, do you love him, Xiao?”
I love him, most ardently. Most importantly, I love him, through and through.