Chapter Text
"Tears running dry
Shattered inside, but I still gotta smile
As I'm sinking, I relive the story
Glitter comes off, battered and blue, but I gotta go on
As I'm singing, I rewrite my story"
Am I Dreaming by Lil Nas X (feat. Miley Cyrus)
‘Chris! Christopher!! Chris!!’
The water is pulling at his feet, dragging him beneath its turbulent depths. He needs to find Chris. He just had him. He cannot lose him. He cannot fail him. He is out of breath, but he refuses to stop fighting. His last thought as everything goes black is that he would rather die than live in a world without Christopher Diaz.
Buck shot up and gasped for air as his lungs burned from the feeling of a lack of oxygen. He got out of bed and went downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of water. He hoped it would soothe his throat which was raw from crying out for Chris. Buck splashed some water on his face, and let it mix with the tears that still flowed freely. He took a towel and dried off his face. He felt slightly better, but was still unable to stem the flow of the tears that continued to trail down his face.
He refilled his glass and headed back upstairs. Before he climbed back into bed, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table. He settled himself back into bed with a sigh and then opened up his photos. He looked at old photos and videos of Chris, avoiding any that might remind him of that day at the pier.
Back before the stupid lawsuit, and Eddie fighting, and all the bullshit he had brought upon them, he would have thought about calling Eddie once he could breathe again. He would have reasoned that he just needed to make sure Chris was really still there, that he was really still alive. Buck had never actually gotten up the courage to make this call, but at least he had been able to take comfort in it as a possibility. But not now. He and Eddie were in a good place again; Eddie said he had forgiven Buck and things were back to a semblance of normality, but Buck knew it would never, could never really be the same. Not entirely. Eddie might say that he had forgiven Buck, and that he still trusted Buck with Chris, but Buck knew neither could be entirely true. Buck could not be forgiven, not entirely, he had fucked up too much for that.
Chris was the most optimistic, forgiving, loving kid; he might think that Buck saved him that day, but Buck didn’t. Chris saved himself because his father had taught him to be strong, to be brave, to always fight to come home and that is exactly what Christopher had done. He had held on, he had fought, and he had found people to bring him home to Eddie. Buck had been the one who took his eyes off of Chris, Buck was the one who cared more about doing his job (which he didn’t even have at the time) then he cared about protecting Christopher, one of the most important people to him, and Eddies whole world, Buck was the one who had lost Christopher.
Then instead of trying to be better, to try harder, to be less of a failure, he had turned around and stabbed everyone in the back and in the process he had further distanced from and hurt the Diaz boys. He would never forgive himself for causing them more pain. The truth was that he thought he had been doing them a favor. He thought that they would be better off without having to worry about him. He knew how everyone looked at him when he was sad about not being with the 118, but Eddie and Chris were the only two who seemed to truly understand the degree of his depression without work. He thought he was fighting for himself; if only he had realized the full consequences of that decision. It was not until after he lost them that he realized they were more than enough, if he had only opened his eyes sooner.
Buck sighed and got up. He got dressed quickly and grabbed his bag. If he continued to lie in bed he would spiral down deeper and deeper into his gloom, and then he would be distracted by encroaching depressive thoughts all day. Sometimes running helped to clear his mind, so he decided to head to the station for a workout before his shift. He decided to just shower after his workout as he was still feeling a bit uncomfortable with water.
He got into his jeep and then he took a moment and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked hollow and exhausted. He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. He closed the mirror, and started the jeep. He hoped it would be a busy day and that Eddie would be too busy to notice how tired he looked. The whole team knew he had nightmares, but after Buck had come back to work, he needed to be stronger, he needed to be more together, he needed to be better than he had been before. Buck had too much to prove to let anyone know that he wasn’t okay. Chim and Hen knew better than to ask him about his nightmares, but Eddie would not leave it be. Eddie did not buy that the nightmares just went away; he had PTSD and nightmares of his own after all.
Buck could not be a burden to anyone, so he did his best to hide the frequency and severity of his bad nights. He never spoke about the specifics except to let Eddie know if they were about a call, about the firetruck pining him, or about the tsunami. He didn’t disclose the nights he dreamt about the well crushing Eddie. Thinking about that night was still hard and confusing for Buck; he tried to avoid it whenever possible. He didn’t think he would be able to hide this one though. The nights when he couldn’t save Christopher were always the worst; he never survived those nights either. The last thing he would feel before he woke up was the agony of losing Christopher and the feeling of his lungs filling with water as he was pulled beneath the choppy surface.
Buck got to the station an hour and a half before the start of shift. He worked out for an hour, the exercise providing a much needed escape from his dwelling. He was still worried, he was still scared, he still felt like a failure; the exercise at least made it so that he couldn’t focus on any one thought long enough to spiral. When he was finished, he showered and changed quickly, then headed upstairs for another cup of coffee. He could already tell it was going to be a long day.
“Morning Buck! Grab a plate.” Bobby called from the stove where he was making breakfast.
“Morning. Thanks.” Buck mumbled as he grabbed some food. He was not hungry, his stomach was still uneasy from the after effects of his terror, his heart was still heaving with the loss his dream had forced him through, but he knew he needed to eat. He could not do his job with very little sleep AND no food.
As he ate, his 118 family began filing in, laughing and joking as they grabbed their breakfast. He greeted them and responded when they called to him, but mostly he just kept his head down and tried to choke down his food. Just as he was about to get his third cup of coffee and his second plate of food, the alarm sounded. He ran down the stairs and to the truck, and fully snapped out of his thoughts for the first time since he woke up. Where was Eddie?
Once they settled into the truck, he checked his phone for the first time since getting to the station.
From Eddie -Running late. Cap is aware. Be safe.
Buck took a breath and hoped that Eddie and Chris were both okay, and that they just had a power malfunction or something this morning. He really needed to focus on work.
“Alright guys, we are headed for a multiple car collision. Sounds like there may be fatalities. Prepare yourselves.” Caps' voice came through the radio. Buck took a deep breath as they arrived at the scene. He hated going on calls without Eddie; it always felt like everything was just slightly out of place.
A moving truck had run a red light and been hit by two cars in the intersection. The driver of the moving truck had died on impact, as had the driver of one of the cars. The team rushed to save the remaining driver and passengers. Once they had done everything that they could, and everyone had been taken away to the hospital, the team pulled themselves back into the truck feeling exhausted, and haunted. Whenever there were casualties, it was always a hard call for all of them; even if there was nothing any of them could have done to save the victims, it still felt as if they had failed.
He hoped that Eddie would be at the station when they got back. Buck always felt more grounded and more able to process how he was feeling when Eddie was near. He also did not want to have to go on another call without him. He was so used to their routine, to never having to ask for or be asked for anything, to each of them seeming to know what the other needed. After that night in the ambulance, they had made some sort of unspoken, undefined pact to always be there for each other; now they simply were. The team joked about them being codependent, and while Buck knew what they meant, he didn’t think it was that exactly. He and Eddie just understood each other without having to talk. They were very tactile with each other and it translated to their flow while working. They just clicked. If sometimes Buck let his touch linger a moment longer than necessary, reveling in the electricity it sent throughout his body; that was his own business.
When they got back to the station, he thought about showering, but he could still feel the water pulling him under its depths in his nightmare. He decided to just scrub his face and arms in the sink before he changed. He felt slightly better as he made his way upstairs. Eddie was sitting on the couch, and looked lost in thought. Eddie looked up when he heard Buck coming up the stairs. He got up and gave Buck a weak smile as he walked towards him. Eddie pulled Buck into a tight hug; he seemed to need it as much as Buck did. They held on for a little longer than usual. Buck could feel heat radiating throughout him, he could feel his body tingling everywhere that their bodies touched, he could feel his heart rate increasing as he inhaled Eddies familiar smell. The longer they held each other, the more tension Buck could feel leaving his body. When they finally broke apart Buck tried not to grimace at the loss of contact.
“Rough call?” Eddie asked him.
“Yeah, multiple car collision. Two were DOA. I hate losing people. Are you okay?” Buck asked and he couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice. He took a breath and began moving to the kitchen to get coffee. He needed to be doing something.
“Coffee?” Buck asked after Eddie still hadn’t responded.
“Yeah. Thanks.” Eddie said and nodded.
Buck brought the coffee over to where Eddie had settled down on the couch and sat down. He sat farther from Eddie then he would have liked, but still close enough to bump his knee gently against Eddies, trying to sooth him without making him uncomfortable. Eddie sighed and moved a little closer to Buck as he settled back onto the couch more fully. Buck could feel Eddie's leg resting against his and he relished in the contact.
“Chris had a nightmare again. It just took us a while to get going this morning after that. I offered for him to stay home from school, but he wanted to go. He has science today.” Eddie said and gave Buck a knowing smile Buck. Science was Chris’s absolute favorite class and he was devastated anytime he was forced to miss it.
“He asked if you can come over after we get off shift tomorrow. I know you might just want to rest after today's call. We still have…” he continued, then paused and looked at his watch, “roughly eighteen hours ahead of us. Please don’t feel pressured, I just wanted you to know the offer was there.”
Buck placed his hand on Eddie's knee, and squeezed it reassuringly.
“You know I will do anything for that little man. I’ll be there. It will be good to see him and I guess I can tolerate you too.” Buck said and gave him a small teasing smile as he bumped his shoulder with Eddies. Eddie chuckled.
“Thanks Buck.” Eddie said. He didn’t pull his shoulder away, and so Buck just settled in and enjoyed the contented feeling of being this close to Eddie. They sat in silence for a while, each lost in their own thoughts, drinking their coffee and just enjoying each other's company. Buck loved quiet moments like this with Eddie. He loved being allowed to be in his space, even if only because Eddie was sad and tired.
The rest of the shift passed relatively quickly. They had several more calls, all simple and thankfully none with any casualties. They were even able to get some sleep in between calls. Buck tossed and turned fitfully, but thankfully had no more nightmares.
“See you at home?” Eddie asked Buck as they were changing at the end of the shift.
“Yeah, I'll just swing by my apartment, change and pick up some stuff. See you soon.” Buck replied, and felt his heart flutter as Eddie smiled at him before leaving the changing room.
As Buck drove he thought about where his home was and if he even had one; it definitely was not his apartment. His apartment had never really felt like home. Abby’s house had felt like a home for a short time, but then she left and at some point it simply stopped feeling like anything other than a painful reminder of how much she had hurt him. And now, Eddie’s house almost felt like home, but he had to remind himself that it was not and could not be his home; seeing Abby again had clarified this for Buck.
Seeing Abby again had been a shock to his entire being. If he was being entirely honest with himself, something he was trying to do more and more, he had spent a lot of time thinking about what would happen if he saw her again. Never once did he imagine she would be engaged and have an entirely new family. He was happy for her, truly, and yet he still felt hurt and angry. As far as he could tell, he had done nothing wrong. She just left and never came back, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still the reason she left and never returned.
After they had their talk, and she left his life permanently, he felt a combination of relief and a soul wrenching sorrow. He was glad to have that chapter of his life closed, but he also knew with certainty now that he could never tell Eddie how he really felt about him.
Buck knew he loved Eddie the day of the earthquake. As he watched Eddie spin Chris around in the hallways of the school, looks of pure joy and relief on both of their faces, Buck realized with complete certainty that he loved Eddie and, even though they hadn’t met yet, he probably loved Chris too. Eddie had proven himself at work, he was kind, he was loyal, he was loving; seeing how much those two loved each other was what solidified how Buck felt. Anyone who loved their child that much, and whose child loved them back with the same devotion, deserved love.
Even now, Buck wasn’t sure how he knew it then, but in that moment, he had known that he would do anything in the world to keep those looks on the faces of Eddie and Christopher. In that moment, Buck decided he would take care of them however he could; he gave them Carla and he tried to be there whenever they needed him. When the well collapsed on Eddie, Buck had known with complete certainty that he was in love with Eddie.
Whether or not Buck had been the reason Abby left and found a new life, Buck had already failed the Diaz’s twice. Seeing Abby again made him realize that he didn’t know himself well enough to guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again. He had sworn that he would never knowingly betray them or turn his back in them again, he had sworn that he would always be there if they asked or needed him; he also knew his own track record of fucking things up. Eddie and Christopher deserved someone who could truly protect them, someone who would not let them down, someone who could give them the world; this meant that they deserved someone better than Buck. After saying his final goodbye to Abby, Buck had tried his best to lock up the part of his heart that was in love with Eddie; he would never let it surface to protect Eddie, Christopher and himself.
Buck tried to shake off his thoughts as he showered quickly, not wanting to be in the water, but knowing he would feel better after washing this day off of him. He threw on a pair of sweats and a 118 t-shirt. He loved that he could be cozy when he was at the Diaz house. He used to wear his nice clothes, trying to impress upon them just how much he cared about them. The first time Chris asked to snuggle with him instead of his dad during the movie, Chris had complained that the buttons on Buck's shirt prevented Buck from giving him proper squeezes. That was the last time Buck wore anything but comfy clothes to their house.
He grabbed his overnight bag, just in case. Sometimes if he and Eddie had a few too many beers after Chris went to bed, he would crash on the couch. Those were his favorite nights, waking up knowing that Chris and Eddie would be there, all sleepy and adorable, was more than he could have ever asked for. He had learned that both Eddie and Chris were very snuggly in the mornings, and he would take all the extra hugs and cuddles he could get. Sometimes when Eddie was particularly tired, his hands would wander up to Bucks' hair when they hugged. Feeling Eddie's fingers carding through his hair, tugging gently every so often always made Bucks skin tingle and his body surge with excitement. It was in these moments that Buck often questioned just how successful he had been at locking away his yearning to kiss Eddie, to taste Eddie, to love Eddie. Even though part of him knew he shouldn’t, Buck couldn't help but cherish these moments.
Buck made sure the present he had for Christopher was securely hidden, then headed out. Once he was halfway to Eddies, he realized his mistake. He called Eddie. Eddie answered after the first ring.
“Hey Buck, everything okay?” Eddie said. He sounded a little confused.
“Yeah, sorry. My head is a little off today. I am almost there, and just realized Chris won’t be off for another couple hours. Should I just come over after you are back from picking him up?” Buck asked. He was unable to push away the lingering feeling that he was imposing on Eddie.
“Nah, we can pick him up together. He will be thrilled to see His Buck there.” Eddie said and gave a soft chuckle.
“It will be good to have a little time with you before we get him anyway. I'll see you soon Buck.” Eddie continued.
“Yeah..o-okay… I'll see you soon.” Buck said and stumbled over his words just a little as he felt his heart stutter at Eddies words, at his affectionate tone, at his insistence that he wanted to see Buck.
Buck hung up and tried not to think too much about Eddie wanting to have time with him before Chris showed up. Buck always tried to focus on Christopher being the reason they spent so much time together outside of work. Buck knew that Eddie would do anything to make his son happy, and they both knew Christopher loved spending time with Buck. Buck often felt like he was overstepping, and was in their lives too much, but he knew if it made Chris happy, Eddie would put up with it. But then there were moments like this that made him wonder if Eddie really was interested in spending time with him too. They had just spent twenty four hours together, minus a few due to Eddie's late start, and yet Eddie still said he wanted to spend time with Buck before they got Christopher. Buck shook these thoughts from his head. He needed to protect Eddie and Chris, and this meant not indulging himself in thoughts of Eddie having feelings beyond friendship for him. Buck had tried his best to lock his longing for Eddie away, and he needed to stop letting himself fantasize about a reality that he could never have.
As Buck pulled into the driveway, his first thought was, “I am home.” He shook this thought from his head. He knew that he had fucked up too much to deserve to call the Diaz house his home. Before he made it to the door, it swung open. Eddie stood in the doorway and smiled at him. Buck felt as if his heart stopped for a moment. His stomach was filled with butterflies. He could feel his mouth watering. Eddie was so gorgeous and all of Buck seemed to be consumed with want for him. “God, I am so fucked.” Buck thought as he often did in these moments, when Eddie's sheer existence took his breath away. Buck grabbed his bag from the back of the jeep, took a deep breath, tried to calm down and then walked towards Eddie.
- Am I Dreaming by Lil Nas X (feat. Miley Cyrus). Buck felt like no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to make up for his mistakes, he would never truly be worthy of Eddie and Christopher. All Buck hoped for now was that he could improve their lives in some small way, that he could help them out just a little, that he could continue to love them from afar.
- Viva La Vida by Coldplay. Buck had always struggled with his self confidence, with his self love, with feeling like he was doing enough to help those he loved. For a few brief moments when he was with Abby, when he was helping her with her mom, when he thought she felt the same way about him, he had started to feel as if he was deserving. Then she had left and Buck had started to think that maybe he really was better off alone.
- Live & Learn by WZRD. Buck wanted to learn from his mistakes, he wanted to be better, he never wanted to let anyone down again. He could keep pretending to be happy, he could keep pretending to be fine, he could keep pretending he wasn't longing for things he couldn't have. Buck knew how much his parents had fucked him up; even though he wasn’t Chris’s parent, he refused to pass on his damage to the precious boy.
- Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Rihanna (feat. J-Status). Buck didn’t think he would be able to completely stop being in love with Eddie. He knew that he would never be able to be with Eddie like that though, he knew the only future they would have would be as friends, Buck knew he would have to find someone else; Buck only wished he knew how to move on, how to let go of his longing for Eddie, how to stop longing for a life that he knew was not his to have.
- One Dance by Drake (feat. Kyla & Wizkid). Buck would take anything he was allowed to by Eddie and Christopher. He would be a part of their lives whenever they wanted him to and he would show up in whatever capacity that was asked of him. He just wanted to be around them, to help them, to love them; Buck wished things were different.
- Can We Pretend by P!nk (feat. Cash Cash). Sometimes, as Buck drove to Eddies, he let himself fantasize, he would let himself believe, if only for a few moments, that he was driving home. That he would be greeted with a kiss, that he would be able to stay forever, that he had finally found his place, his family, his home.
- Pursuit Of Happiness (Nightmare) by Kid Cudi (feat. MGMT & Ratatat). Buck would continue to fight for himself, fight for what he wanted, fight for Eddie and Christopher. Even thought they were not entirely his, he would be content with his life, with himself, with his actions if they meant that Eddie and Chris were happy.
- Thats What I Want by Lil Nas X. No matter how much Buck pretended, no matter how much he tried to push the feelings aside, no matter how much he tried to run from them; he wanted Eddie with everything he had. He wanted to always feel the safety, the love, the feeling of home he experienced when he was around Eddie. He wanted to always experience the feeling of love, of purpose, of hope that he felt when he was around Christopher. Buck just wanted for this to be his home and his family.