Chapter Text
Twins are asleep, dishes have been washed and put away, husband's still missing. Picked up the dry cleaning, gave dad a call, bought dog food because dad never remembers, sent tomorrow morning's issue to the printer. 500,000 copies, our lowest circulation since before the crisis. That was over a month ago and The Flash is still missing. Barry Allen. Still goddamned missing.
When did I become this? I never used to be the kind of adult who'd knock back whiskey in the middle of the night over a scattered pile of documents. I always wanted to follow in my dad's footsteps, never anticipated the downsides. It was an unusual turn of events that led to the father of my kids getting sucked out of existence, but any cop's wife who lost a husband can imagine how I feel right now. I haven't slept right in a month, I'm running out of things to tell the Twins. My ass is getting fatter by the day, I was always skinny so the extra pounds probably don't matter much in the grand scheme of things, still. I miss my husband. I miss him so much I could cry. I have cried.
None of these charts and graphs that Cisco sent me make much sense anymore. I know Barry disappeared into the singularity, along with that yellow suited bastard. It was the only way to end him once and for all, to keep us safe, he said. Everything was always about keeping me safe. I would have gladly taken his place. He was the potential savior of the world, I'm just a run of the mill newswoman with no powers and a fat ass, why was my life worth more than his? Who was he to make that call?
"Mommy?" Dawn hasn't slept well since that night either, Don sleeps too much. He used to play, he used to go outside. Once school starts back I'll get on his case more, for now I'm grateful one of us can sleep.
"Hey kiddo," I say, trying to force a smile in her direction. "What are you doing up so late?"
"I had another dream, about daddy."
I think they have those a lot, it's why Dawn doesn't sleep and Don can't stop. I don't dream about much of anything anymore. I wish I could.
"Did you want some hot chocolate munchkin?" she shakes her head. She hated Barry's hot chocolate, he always put in either too much syrup or too little, he could never get the formula right. Now I think she'd kill for a cup if he was here to make it.
"Tea, water, maybe a story?"
"Can I stay up?"
If it weren't still summer, and her dad weren't missing, I may have protested. Now I kind of want the company. I pat the seat next to me and she hops up onto it. She has Barry's eyes, it's like he's staring at me through her. I reach out and spring one of her curls like a piggy's tail. That used to make her laugh. It doesn't anymore.
"Daddy's dead isn't he?" she says. We don't know that, we have no way of knowing that. Cisco said that a singularity could lead to anywhere, including my very much alive husband, just waiting out there for me to find him.
"Don't say that," I say kneeling in front of her. I feel a little like I'm trying to get her to believe in Santa again. "Your father is out there somewhere, I know it, he always comes back for us."
She's small and warm in my arms, I try not to let her hear me sniffle, even though she's sniffling too. We just stay like that for a few minutes until were done, then we break apart. I sit with her on the couch and we watch Cosmos, she loves it, she says Neil DeGrasse Tyson talks like daddy talks. I like it too, I've probably watched the series beginning to end five times now and I learn something new every time. I made a Giordano Bruno reference the other day at Picture News, Barry would have been so proud.
Dawn finally falls asleep but I keep watching, wishing Barry were here with me so we could watch it together. I put the afghan over Dawn and shut the TV off when I start to nod off. I can't nod off, I have to go through Cisco's charts again, pretend I might find something new this time. I won't, still I go through them until I can't stay awake anymore.
***
Cooked breakfast, dropped the twins off at Wally's, went to work, had lunch with dad at the precinct, went back to work, husband's still missing. When is he going to come back? When will this nightmare be over? Barry Allen doesn't just disappear for a month without coming back, without even a sign. Barry Allen is never on time but he's always there when I need him most, how could he not be here now that I need him more than I ever have? Anyone on the outside looking in might think I'm doing just fine, or fine as I can be. The kids are taken care of, I'm captaining the ship admirably at Picture News, youngest editor in chief since 1954.
My hair could be better, I have a soccer mom bob and it's fuzzy at the temples. I could start wearing make up again too. I'm 36 and I look 36, I could pass for 28 earlier this year. I don't see what the point of passing for 28 is anymore though, it's not like I have anyone to impress. I miss my husband, I miss him deep down in my bones. I wonder if he misses me too, if he even can miss me. I hope he can. I hope he pictures me the way I was before he was gone. I always smiled, my nails were always done, I looked 28.
When I pick up the kids Wally says they didn't give him any trouble, he almost seemed disappointed. They used to give him all kinds of trouble, especially back when they first discovered their powers. They'd zip around the room, making a mess of papers and knocking over chairs. They haven't used their powers since that day. They say they've forgotten how.
They turn six next month. They haven't brought it up. I haven't either. I'll buy them both gifts and maybe a little cake, invite dad and Wally over, just a small thing.
I miss Barry
I miss Barry so much I can't take it
I miss you
Please come home baby, please.
I need you, can't you see how much I need you?
I put the kids to bed, tell them I love them more than flowers love the sun, more than fish love water. I do, I love them so much it's the only thing that keeps me from crumbling into 1,000 pieces.
I have a drink, then another. I drink too much, I never used to drink this much. I have another and I start to feel warm all over, like how I felt the first time he kissed me, the first time and the last time.
It's late. I should be sleeping but I can't sleep. I can never sleep. I try and I roll into the empty space next to me and I wake up because I'm reminded why that space is empty.
I want another drink but the bottle is empty too. I cry instead. That's when I hear it.
That sound, that whooshing sound that I haven't heard in this house in over a month. I try not to be excited, I can't get my hopes up. It's probably Wally, I probably forgot something at his house. He makes the same whooshing sound that Barry does.
I follow the noise, slowly, cautiously, like whoever whooshed into my kitchen will disappear if I move too fast.
He's standing with his back toward me, his cowl up. Upon first sight his suit looks a lot like Wally's, but it's not his, it's darker, and the lightning bolts at the back have the same pattern as Barry's suit, pointing down, not up.
"Barry?" I say, more like a whisper. And he pulls his cowl down as he turns around to face me. My vision is blurred with the moisture gathering in my eyes, but I know it's him. It's my husband, my beautiful, perfect dork husband. I want to run into his arms, bury myself into his embrace until I become him, I never want to let him go, not for as long as I live, but as soon as I start up to him, I stop.
"Iris?" He says like he can't quite figure out what's different about me, but I know immediately what's different about him. This isn't my husband. It's Barry Allen, no question, but it's not my husband, not yet anyway.
"Where are you from?" I ask, trying not to let my voice break. This has happened before a couple of times. I shouldn't be surprised that its happening now, not after everything that's led up to it, but somehow I am. Once he ended up back when I was a little girl. When he came to see me I remember thinking he was weird and sort of cute, and I drew a picture of him in crayon that I found years later. Once I remembered it was like I never forgot it. Now it's happening again, Barry is lost in time, how many years I don't know, he looks 25, maybe younger, maybe older. "Better question, when are you from?"
"2016," he says, of course, that was probably a stupid question. I just had to make sure. "What year is this?"
"2024," I say.
He sinks down into the closest chair. 2016, he's from 2016. He dated Patty Spivot in 2016, they were happy. He still doesn't know that they aren't going to stay that way. He still doesn't know a lot of things. I can't tell him, if he knows too much about the future he could accidentally destroy it. He has to get out of here, he has to get back to his own time. I shouldn't say another word, shouldn't make another move.
"Barry," I say, my face finally crumpling. I fall onto his lap, holding him close because I haven't in so long, and he holds me back, tells me it's okay, that everything's okay. Nothing's okay. The man in my arms isn't my husband, but he is my Barry, and I never want to stop holding him. He could live here, in 2024 with me, and the twins, and we could start fresh and be happy. That wouldn't work though, I know enough about time travel to know that wouldn't work at all.
"You're here," I say again, studying his face, running my thumb over his lips, combing his hair behind his ears.
"We're married, in this time, you and me are married aren't we?" he says. I nod.
"And this is after, after I disappear," I nod again.
His face is sad. I want to kiss him, I know I shouldn't, but I want to.
"How did you get here?" I ask
He tells me. He was trying to run a nuclear bomb out of the city, he dropped it in the pacific and bolted for home, but ended up in 2024 instead. He still doesn't have quite a handle on his powers in 2016.
"You have to go back," I tell him, it kills me to say it, but it's true, he can't stay unless he wants to compromise the future. He knows as well as I do that he can't stay, but neither of us move, we just sit there looking at each other.
"This is you," he finally says, combing some of my soccer mom hair behind my ear.
"Yeah, having a missing husband doesn't really agree with me." It's hard to joke when I can't stop crying. He wipes a tear from my cheek.
"You're you.. you're beautiful," he says. It looks like he's going to cry too. I love him, I love him in 2016, I love him in 2024, I love him always and forever. But he has to go, the twins can't see him, he doesn't even know they exist.
"I didn't mean to come here, I didn't want to mess anything up but...
"But what?"
He starts to get up, giving me enough time to get off of his lap first. He starts to pace the room and I wish I knew what was going on in his head.
"The byline, on the paper it hasn't changed," he says, almost like he's talking to himself. "And now I'm here and you're here and I'm your husband but... you know not really. I guess I just don't understand how I can just go back and keep pretending like things might happen differently."
"They might, if you don't get back to 2016 as soon as possible."
"I have to find Cisco," he says. He looks like he wants to say more but can't get the words out.
"I'll call him, it's late but I'm pretty sure this counts as an emergency."
I reach for my phone and Barry reaches for my hand, grabbing it. I look up at him, look into his eyes. He's so young.
"How long has it been, since I disappeared?" he says quietly.
"A month," I say. "And... I'm not really doing okay Bear."
He pulls me forward and hugs me close, he feels the same. Solid, warm, like home.
"I just saw you, before I left, you weren't really doing okay then either."
2016 was the year after Eddie died, I remembered how lonely I felt, missing him, and loving Barry but not being close to ready. Things got better though, I got better. 2016 was also the year Barry kissed me the first time and I didn't want him to stop. 2016 was a good year when all was said and done, but Barry will never know that if we don't get him home. I slip my hand out of his and grab the phone and start to dial. But I can't get through all of the numbers before I realize we aren't alone.
I feel them there before I even turn my head, it's too late, they're up and there's nothing I can do. The future has been compromised, even more than before. I shouldn't have held him like I did, for so long, but I had to because he's Barry and I haven't held Barry in what feels like years. Now the kids are awake, his kids that he isn't supposed to know about for another three years.
"Hello," he says like he isn't quite sure what else to say. They just stand there, staring at him like they can't decide if he's real. I want to tell them they're dreaming, that if they go back to bed now everything will make sense in the morning, but they start to move closer, their eyes going wider, and they look like him. Dawn has his eyes, Don has his smile, and he's wearing it for the first time since their daddy disappeared.
"Daddy!" they yell in unison, coming at him with four unpredictable arms. He clearly doesn't know how to react, whether to hug them back, what to make of any of this. A second ago he was a 26 year old bachelor, now he's a father of two.
"Wait, Daddy?" He mouths to me over Dawn's shoulder. He looks panicked, like the twins are that nuclear bomb he just disposed of. It's the same look he had when we found out I was pregnant. He had so many questions, so many worries.
"What if they're like me, will that hurt you?" He asked, and it did hurt me, for awhile, but it turned out alright in the end.
"Should we get married?" he asked that too, and we did get married, when the kids were four, Dawn was the flower girl, Don was the ring bearer.
"What about money, where will we live?" We were kind of poor back then, but we had help, everyone wanted to help.
Right now the only question that seems to be on Barry's mind is, "how the hell did this happen?" And I don't know if I have the answer he's looking for.
Stay Tuned Folks!