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“Rex…can I ask you something?”
They were making their way back to the Jedi Temple after spending some time at ‘79s with the boys. Rex had insisted on seeing her home after one too many of Fives’s inappropriate jokes. Ahsoka had argued at first, but Rex had then dropped a none-too-subtle hint that her Master might have something to say about her even being at the club with them, if he were to somehow find out about it. Ahsoka had relented at that, although the withering glare she’d shot at him would have been enough to make a gundark think twice.
It was nice, though, walking back to the Temple with her, neither of them in a particular hurry. He had always enjoyed her company, a sprightly and cheerful presence at his side which helped to allay both the boredom and the brutality of the war.
Tonight, though, she was much more subdued than usual.
“Of course, Commander,” he said in answer to her question, wondering if she was still sore at him for dragging her away from the bar early.
Ahsoka pursed her lips, her head bowed. “It’s…it’s kind of personal.”
Rex glanced down at her as they walked, frowning when he noticed that the chevron stripes of her lekku seemed a darker shade of blue than usual. “What do you mean by…personal?” he asked slowly, not sure he really wanted to know the answer.
“Have you ever, um…” She bit her lip, lekku darkening even further as she glanced away from him.
“Ahsoka?” This shy, almost melancholy mood wasn’t like her at all, and he was starting to worry.
She sighed, then blurted out, “Have you ever kissed anyone?”
That brought him up short, and she stuttered a couple of steps ahead of him before coming to a stop as well. “Er…”
She grimaced. “I know, I know. Too personal. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked…” Her shoulders slumped, and somehow Rex found himself answering her.
“Yes. Yes, I have.” He swallowed. “Well, sort of.”
“Sort of?” Azure eyes blinked up at him, curious.
Rex could feel heat rising in his cheeks. “It was…well…I’m not sure how much it counts.” When she kept looking up at him expectantly, he sighed. “It was actually the first time I’d been to Coruscant.”
“When you were a brand new Shiny?” she asked, smiling a little.
“Close enough. We were on leave here after our first real battle, and some of us went out to a bar. It was all a little overwhelming, after growing up on Kamino. The loud noise, the flashing colored lights…and I think it might have been the first time I’d seen so many women up close. I mean, some of our trainers were female, but they were sort of…inaccessible, if you know what I mean. And the Kaminoans are…well…”
“Not quite the same,” Ahsoka offered, smirking a little.
“Right. Well…we all ended up drinking a little more than we should have…” He trailed off, not sure how much more he wanted to share.
Ahsoka was frowning now. “Go on.”
“We…ah. Well. Some of the boys thought I needed to ‘let loose and have a little fun’, so they pushed me in the direction of one of the Twi’lek girls on the dance floor. We danced a little,” (badly, for his part), “and then she…uh…”
“Kissed you?” Ahsoka’s voice had gone flat, and her eyes were narrowed, all humor gone from her expression.
“Yeah,” he admitted quietly. “It was kind of…sloppy, to be honest.” His (admittedly somewhat fuzzy) recollection was that the ‘kiss’ had mostly consisted of her panting and slobbering all over his face, without actually spending much time on his mouth. Ever since, he’d always wondered if he’d had bad breath or something that had put her off. “I don’t think I was very good at it. Anyway, she moved on to one of the other boys, and I called it a night.”
“Didn’t you like it?”
“I’m not sure ‘like’ is the right word for it,” he replied, embarrassed. “She…well, she wasn’t really my type, if I’m honest. But it was…certainly a new experience. And I don’t know why I’m telling you any of this.” His eyes slid over to her. “Why do you ask, anyway? Have you ever…?” But of course not; she was a Jedi, and they were supposed to be above that sort of thing.
But her answer surprised him. “Yes, I have,” she replied, then frowned a little. “Well, sort of.”
He narrowed his eyes, wondering if she was making fun of him. “That was my answer, kid.”
“Well I think it might be a little truer in my case,” she huffed.
That had his curiosity piqued. “Who was it?” Had to be one of the other padawans. Some late night game of ‘dare’ in the Temple, most likely.
She sighed, her mouth turned down in a frown. “Lux.”
That had him doing a double take. “The Bonteri kid? From Onderon?” He frowned. “Wasn’t he following Steela Gerrera around like a lovesick tooka?”
“It was before Onderon,” she said wearily, “before he met Steela. It was when he went to meet with Death Watch, on that godsforsaken snow planet, Carlac. You know…when he sort of…brought me along.”
Kidnapped her, was more like it. The little brat. Rex remembered that particular ‘briefing’, if it could be called that. Something about Bonteri stirring up a ruckus at a peace conference on Mandalore, which had resulted in Ahsoka having to rescue his skinny shebs from the Seppies and the two of them hightailing it out of the system, only for him to drag her along somehow (she’d been vague on the details) to a ‘meeting’ with Death Watch, from which they’d barely escaped with their lives. At the time, Rex had had the feeling that Ahsoka had been holding back on a few key details, and that she had only told the story at all to warn them about the Mandalorian splinter group’s ongoing machinations, otherwise she would likely have kept quiet about the whole thing for the boy’s sake. As it was, Skywalker had been livid at first, and Rex hadn’t taken it much better. Needless to say, Bonteri should have known better than to bring Ahsoka anywhere near those Jedi-hating terrorists.
By the time they’d met face to face on Onderon, Rex’s anger toward the boy had cooled considerably, and he’d done his best to give him the benefit of the doubt; after all, he’d been fighting for a good cause, and sometimes people made poor decisions when they were young. Bonteri had seemed to truly regret putting Ahsoka’s life in danger, and if Skywalker could forgive him, Rex supposed he could too.
But Ahsoka had never mentioned anything about a…kiss. He supposed the boy was wasn’t bad-looking, and he was certainly capable of putting on the charm when he wanted to. Still, the mere thought of it had Rex’s gloved hand clenching into a fist, and he found himself wishing that Lux Bonteri would suddenly materialize within range of it. “That’s when he kissed you? On Carlac, when you were surrounded by Death Watch?”
Ahsoka nodded with a sigh. “It was supposed to be part of our cover. I was pretending to be his betrothed—that part was my idea, so maybe I was asking for trouble,” she muttered, frowning. “Anyway, at one point, I was arguing with him and he sort of kissed me to shut me up, to keep me from blowing our cover.”
“He…” Rex was struggling with this. “You mean he forced a kiss on you?” Not that the Bonteri runt could have physically done anything to Ahsoka if she really wanted to stop him, but still…
“I’m not sure I’d put it like that. I mean, he certainly caught me off guard, but…”
“But it was unasked for?” he pressed, “Unwanted?”
“Well, yes, I suppose so.” She let out a rueful sigh. “You know, I had a crush on him back then. But I wasn’t exactly feeling it when he planted that kiss on me.”
“That wasn’t a kiss,” Rex growled. “It sounds more like an assault.”
Ahsoka frowned up at him. “Don’t you think you’re being a little overprotective, Rexter?”
“No.”
“Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it an assault,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But I’m not sure it really counts as a kiss, either.”
“Definitely not.”
Ahsoka sighed again. “So I guess I haven’t ever kissed anyone,” she said, disappointment etched into her features. “Not really.”
Rex remained silent. He knew it was against the code of the Jedi to form any sort of romantic attachment, and he supposed casual encounters were probably frowned upon, as well. That meant any opportunities for Ahsoka to be kissed were few and far between.
Somehow, that thought managed to make him feel both relieved and upset at the same time.
“Rex…can I ask you something else?”
Rex frowned down at her; the question had been quieter than before, and he could hear an uncharacteristic vulnerability in her voice. “What?”
“It’s…a favor, this time,” she said softly, her eyes downcast.
The hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end for some reason, and his heart was beating a little faster than normal. “What kind of a…favor?”
Ahsoka looked up at him again, her normally assertive eyes turned shy. “Will you…kiss me?”
He stopped breathing.
“Just this once?” she hurried along. “Just so I can see what it’s like?”
“I…don’t think that would be a good idea,” he managed to get out. For so many reasons.
“Hm…I guess I’ll just have to try someone else, then,” she sighed, and he couldn’t tell, just then, how much of her demeanor was innocence and how much was coy slyness. “Fives might help me if I asked nicely enough…or maybe Kix…”
“No,” he interrupted, realizing only afterward that the word had come out as a growl. He put that down to his anger at the Bonteri kid still simmering in his blood. For a fleeting moment, Ahsoka’s dark lips quirked into something between innocent smile and satisfied smirk, and he found himself staring at them for a beat too long.
His cheeks flamed again as he tore his gaze away. Gods, no. Kriff, no. Everything rational inside him screamed that this was a very, very bad idea. The mere fact that she’d asked the question was already putting them both in danger. He glanced around, but there were few people in the street tonight, and none that he recognized.
“Please, Rex?” she whispered, all earnestness again. “I mean…” she looked down, “if you really don’t want to, I guess I understand. It’s just…it’s something I want to experience, even if it’s only once in my life. And I can’t think of anyone I’d rather ask than you.”
Rex said nothing, but inside, his emotions churned and roiled. What had brought all of this on? And what was he supposed to say to her? He couldn’t…he couldn’t do as she asked. Could he? The consequences for them both, if it ever got out…
Just this once? Just so I can see what it’s like?
No. No, it was impossible. She was General Skywalker’s padawan, she was Rex’s commander, and she was also his friend. How could he even entertain the idea? He stared at Ahsoka, who was still looking down at the ground, head bowed and shoulders hunched forward in defeat. Waiting for him to say no.
Fives might help me if I asked nicely enough…or maybe Kix…
Karking Fives. And karking Kix. Rex remembered, now, how earlier that evening Ahsoka’s eyes had bugged a bit from their sockets when she’d spied the 501st’s junior medic locked in a heated embrace with one of the 79’s regulars—one of those women who tended to jump on a clone without waiting for an invitation. Seeing that was probably what had brought this whole thing on in the first place. The melancholy mood. The questions. The favor she’d asked of him…
I can’t think of anyone I’d rather ask…
Oh karking hells.
Perhaps it was a burst of madness…or something else. Rex glanced to the right, spotting a darkened nook which cut into the wall of the nearest building, the small space cast into shadow. Looking back at Ahsoka, he sighed. “All right. Just…just this once. Over here.” Trying to ignore her look of surprised delight, he led her over to the nook, where they slipped into the shadows, safely out of sight of the street.
Surely he could do this…for a friend?
The nook wasn’t very wide, and they had to stand quite close to each other. Ahsoka looked up at him with wide, expectant eyes.
This was a very, very, very bad idea. One that could get him demoted, reassigned, or even reconditioned if the wrong person found out. He didn’t know what sort of punishment might await her, either. Not to mention how it might affect their friendship. “Ahsoka, I’m not sure we should…”
“Please?” she asked again, and he started when she laid a hand on his chestplate. He could practically feel the solid pressure of her touch through the plastoid, could almost imagine that he could feel the warmth of her hand…
He swallowed. “I…probably won’t be very good at this. I don’t have much experience, and…”
“And experience outranks everything?” she asked softly, her eyes sparkling up at him.
“Well…um, yeah.” Kriff, what was wrong with his brain tonight?
“I don’t mind, Rex,” she breathed. “I just want this to be with someone I can trust…with you.”
Rex swallowed again. This was a very, very, very, very bad idea.
Tentatively, he reached up to touch the side of her face. It was less his own experience (or lack thereof) he was going by, and more the holodramas that his brothers sometimes watched in the barracks. Some of those could get downright raunchy, but others were just cheesy and romantic. There was always a lot of kissing, anyway.
Ahsoka relaxed a little as his fingers trailed down her cheek, and it was about then that he realized he was still wearing his gloves. Hm. As far as he could recall, the actors in the holodramas didn’t tend to wear gloves when they did this sort of thing, and if he wanted this to be a good experience for her, it might be better if he took them off. Ahsoka’s face fell when he dropped his hand, only for understanding to light her eyes as he started pulling off the gloves. She shifted nervously on her feet as he tucked them into the utility pouch on his belt, fumbling a little before he got it right. Why were his hands shaking, anyway? They never shook before a battle, so why now?
It was different this time, when his trembling fingertips brushed her cheek. Warm, smooth…soft. A tingling sensation spread down his arm, making him shiver a little. As a general rule, he didn’t touch people much, certainly not with his bare hands. In fact, he wasn’t sure when the last time had been. And never…never like this. His heartbeat quickened, and he heard Ahsoka’s sharp intake of breath as his knuckles grazed her lek.
“S-sorry,” he whispered, jerking his hand away.
“No, don’t be sorry,” she murmured back. “I mean…that felt nice. Really nice.”
With another swallow, Rex brought his hand back up to carefully trail the backs of his fingers down her lek. Ahsoka shivered in response. Even in the shadows of their little nook, he could see her cheeks flush a deeper shade of sienna, her lekku stripes a darker shade of blue. And her eyes…her eyes gleamed like translucent jewels, catching the dim light from the street in a soft blue glow, darkening as she gazed up at him.
Slowly, he bent his face toward hers. A breath away, he hesitated, his ever-present conscience and sense of duty warring with those other parts of him—the part that wanted to help out a friend, yes, but also another part that he didn’t quite understand, but which was becoming more insistent and powerful with every moment—the part that wanted to take her in his arms and make her forget Bonteri’s very existence, that wanted to show her what a real kiss was like. That war was still raging within him, unresolved, when Ahsoka stretched up on tiptoe, closing the gap herself.
Her lips were warm and velvet soft, and so very, deliciously full. Any residual reluctance left him, his inhibitions cast aside as his lips began to move with hers—at first a tentative caress, then with more confidence. Ahsoka returned the kiss hesitantly, and perhaps it was that which made him pull back a little, the side of his nose brushing hers. Ahsoka’s slitted eyes met his, and one of her hands snaked up to cup the back of his neck, pulling him back down to her.
A sharp, quiet moan escaped Rex’s throat as their lips met again. That shivering electricity which had shot down his arm before was back, this time taking him over completely. His arms were somehow around her now, one hand on the small of her back, the other caressing her back lek as he pulled her flush against his armored body. This hadn’t been part of the plan, and some distant voice within him screamed that he was going too far…but it didn’t exactly help that both of Ahsoka’s arms were winding tightly around his neck, and she was eagerly pressing her body against his armor as their lips danced together, hungry and teasing and enthusiastic and wonderful.
Rex ignored that nagging voice in the back of his head, shoving it forcefully into a very dark corner as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss…as he gently coaxed her mouth open with his tongue…as she obliged with a soft whimper of her own… There was something far more powerful than the voice, a needy, hungry, burning feeling which seemed to have taken him over. He couldn’t explain it, and it frightened him a little, but neither could he hold it at bay.
In those moments, there was nothing in the galaxy but her. The feel of her tongue dancing with his. The ragged sound of their breathing. Her scent filling his nostrils, unique to her and so very intoxicating. The feel of her hands running over his scalp. The feel of her body in his arms. Imagining how much better that would feel if he weren’t wearing armor. The bare skin of her back. The impossible smoothness of her lekku, like silk beneath his hands.
It might have been minutes, it might have been hours. All Rex knew, when they finally broke apart, both of them gasping for air as he leaned his forehead against hers, was that he wanted more. So much more.
Luckily (or perhaps unfortunately), the sane part of him reasserted itself about then, bringing him back to reality. He allowed his lips to gently touch hers once more before he pulled away.
At first, Ahsoka’s hooded eyes refused to meet his as her arms loosened from around his neck. When she finally did look at him, it was with such a bewildered expression that he wondered if he had misread her reactions—if she had really wanted all of that. If she had really enjoyed it at all.
“Was…was that all right?” he asked, still a bit breathless.
Ahsoka swallowed, and a trembling hand came up to cradle his cheek. Wordlessly, she nodded.
In that moment, all he really wanted to do was to close the distance between them and go back to worshipping her mouth with his…but that damnable self-control was back to stay, it seemed. Rex reached up to place his hand over hers, holding it against his cheek for a moment before his fingers closed around hers, gently pulling her hand away. “We…should probably go,” he whispered, with more than a little reluctance.
With a sigh, Ahsoka nodded again.
They left the dark nook together; Ahsoka paused as they emerged into the street, casting a mournful look down at their still-clasped hands before tugging hers out of his grasp. When she looked up at him again, he could see the longing regret clearly in her features.
“Ahsoka,” he began, not sure how best to phrase what he wanted to say. Not even quite sure what it was that he wanted to say.
“I know,” she said quietly. “I…” She bit her lip, looking away. “Thank you, Rex,” she said, her voice soft.
Anytime, he almost said, but realized that he couldn’t say that. Not if either one of them wanted to keep their places…or their skins. Instead, he merely smiled and said, “What are friends for?”
That brought a bit of a smile back to her face as they resumed their walk towards the Temple.
“Rex?” she asked, halfway home. “What is your type?”
He looked down at her as they walked. One word sprang to mind just then, but he knew he couldn’t say it. Instead, he settled for: “Brave, loyal, strong, selfless, kind. Beautiful. Unique.”
She let out a rueful chuckle, her gaze downcast. “You don’t want much, do you?”
No, he thought, gazing at her with wistful eyes. Not much. Just you.