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That morning hadn’t been like all the others.
Recently, they had started to be more and more painful. On most, you only struggled to properly get up, but you could clear your head after a few minutes of struggle. This week had been a lot more painful. You found yourself barely willing to get out of bed. Everything felt so… worthless.
You didn’t even feel you deserved to get up in the first place.
When you had dreams the night before, it was worse. After all, snapping back to reality in such a brutal instant was so painful, you could feel your chest wanting to burst out of your body.
In a way, it felt like reality being cruel towards you. It not only didn’t let you be happy, it teased you. It showed you what it would be like to be happy, only to take it away from you.
However, last night’s dream was different. Last night’s dream didn’t feel like a tease; it felt like a message.
You didn’t remember much of it. Someone was speaking to you. A friend? A familiar? Yourself? Reality?
What you do remember is what they said.
“You need to stop! If your only options are to be stuck with a life that is killing you, or to run away from that life, then you only have one option!”
On that night, you didn’t wake up overwhelmed by pain. You woke up… with determination.
Whoever that was, they were right. Wallowing in misery wasn’t very helpful to your situation. But… what could you even do instead?
Some things were under your control, like your hair or clothes. You had already tried to change those. But others… you couldn’t change no matter how much you wanted to. Humans just didn’t have that kind of power in Gensokyo. Medicine to treat you didn’t exist, after all…
Well, you weren’t exactly correct. Humans generally didn’t have that kind of power. But there was one woman who did. That blonde witch who passed by the Kourindou curio shop all the time. Marisa. You admired her, even if you hadn’t directly talked to her yet. But she wasn’t like other humans. She never stopped at what was impossible. She defied it, and most of the time, she won.
She could fly, she could fight head to head with anyone from fairies to gods and save the day, with nothing but her own perseverance. You knew because you always saw her reading. You always saw her practicing. That’s what made her, not any innate talent.
A witch… You didn’t trust yourself to have enough determination to become a proper magician. But you… you could probably learn some magic. There ought to be some spell that could change you; if you found it, you would only need to be like Marisa once.
That was what motivated you anyway. But learning magic was not as easy as it seemed. There weren’t even magical books at Kourindou, you had asked before. Apparently, Marisa got her books by borrowing them from a Youkai mansion.
And when you asked further, you were told that the mansion was run by vampires. Specifically the kind of Youkai who ate humans. You shivered. Surprisingly though, the shop owner told you that they weren’t aggressive anymore and that the worst thing they’d do is kick you out if they weren’t taking visitors that day.
You gulped. It didn’t make the prospect of asking a vampire any less scary… but you had nothing to lose at this point.
And that day, you walked past the village and through the forest, taking hours to finally reach that distant, gothic mansion. It was a very long and tiring journey, and by the time you reached the entrance, you couldn’t even tell the gatekeeper anything. You collapsed on the ground.
You woke up expecting to be served on a plate, but rather, you weren’t even inside the mansion. The gatekeeper had taken care of you. You knew she was a Youkai, but she seemed… worried for you. It was strange.
“Geez, what were you thinking? Where do you come from anyway?” she asked as she helped you get up. You didn’t know how much time had passed.
“The human village…” You replied shyly.
“Oh. We rarely get visitors from there. What are you looking for? Do you want to work here? I don’t think Sakuya-san is looking for anyone at the moment…”
The Youkai girl looked… worried. She was tall, much taller than you. She looked quite fit and pretty. She was wearing what appeared to be a cap with a star on it, on top of her long, wavy scarlet colored hair, with some braids tied up in pretty black bows.
“S…Sakuya-san?”
“The head maid. She’s a human, like you!” The gatekeeper smiled when talking about her. It seemed the thought of her made her happy.
“Oh! Eh, no, I’m not—I’m not looking for work! I just… wanted to get some… books.”
“Eh? And why didn’t you go to any regular human library?”
“… They don’t have the books I’m looking for.”
The gatekeeper raised an eyebrow. “Did that troublesome witch send you?” You assumed she was talking about Marisa.
“No! No, I swear!” You got a bit nervous. Her tone wasn’t exactly friendly. You wondered why she was disliked here if she obtained all her books from this place.
She seemed suspicious for a few seconds before just smiling. “Well, even if you are, I don’t think you can do much. Just try to not stir up trouble, alright?”
“I—I won’t! Thank you, miss….?”
“You can call me Meiling. You’ll have to go past the hall to get to the library; you’ll probably meet Sakuya-san on the way. Just be honest with her. And be careful around the librarian; she’s not as nice as the others…”
You shivered.
“Thank you, Miss Meiling! I—I’ll do my best!” You lowered your head in respect, feeling grateful to the redheaded gatekeeper. She opened the entrance for you, and that’s how you got here.
You took a huge breath. This would be a long journey, and you were willing to stick to it for your own sake. When you come back, you will not be the same person. But you will be happier. Your dream told you it was worth it, and you trusted your dreams.
The mansion was an adventure of its own. It was extremely easy to get lost in, even if the fairy maids were of some help. You wandered halls and halls, hoping you didn’t run into anyone important and that if you did, you would be able to explain yourself. You often asked yourself what you were even doing, that this wasn’t worth it, that it made no sense… But you pushed on. For once, you pushed on. You needed to.
“Excuse me, I do not recognize you. What are you doing here?”
You stopped right in your tracks. You started to sweat from fear, shivering and turning around before seeing… Another gorgeous woman. Probably that Sakuya girl you heard about.
She was wearing quite the elegant blue maid dress. Her hair was much shorter than the gatekeeper’s; it was silver, almost shiny. Though she had very similar braids to Meiling. She seemed to be very busy, holding a lot of plates and glasses on her hands. You noticed a thigh belt on one of her legs… with three shiny silver knives that she could pull out at any time and end your life instantly.
And yet, you only looked at her with wonder. You felt willing to murder someone to be slightly similar to her. You felt your heart screaming under your chest, begging. Typically, it was a feeling that crushed you, that devastated you. But in this case, now that you felt you had a genuine chance, it pushed you forward. It helped you not to block yourself with fear.
“I—I’d just like to read some books at the library!”
“The library is not public.”
Your eyes shrank.
You started to shiver, now realizing this was maybe not the best of ideas. That Marisa girl was crazy powerful and an already established witch. You were just a small fry. When did you ever think you would be in a position to ask the beings here for anything?
Sakuya probably recognized your panicked, instants-away-from-crying expression. “… What books are you looking for, in any case?”
“I… I really need to cast a spell… But the human village doesn’t have any magic books. Please, I-I just want to borrow one. I swear by all the gods in Gensokyo, I’ll return it!”
"What spell?" She said, tilting her head.
"A... A transformation spell! Just for me, not to do it to anyone else!!" You got more and more worried. You wouldn't blame the maid if she didn't believe you. You just had to hope you sounded so desperate it couldn't be a lie.
Sakuya seemed to have a worried expression, troubled. The woman looked down at you and let out a sigh.
“I will leave the decision up to the librarian then. However, make sure the Mistress does not find out. Just in case.”
She winked at you and turned around. Had she… maybe recognized what you were talking about?
No matter. You gulped, getting up, now finally facing the entrance to the library. In there, your new life would begin. Magic allowed anyone to do anything. There must be a way.
You opened the door… And the library was just as confusing as the rest of the mansion. It seemed… huge. Somehow, it seemed bigger than the room it was supposed to be in. It was probably a spell of some sort. Your eyes glittered with excitement. The bookcases were perhaps around twice as tall as you – you couldn’t even reach the higher places.
You saw what looked to be an attendant flying from case to case, organizing everything. She had red hair just like Meiling but a little darker, and she seemed to have… bat wings. This was a total Youkai territory.
You gulped, just roaming the endless halls of bookcases. Most books were about magic, but there didn’t seem to be some sort of “shapeshifting” section. “Transformation magic” appeared to be a potential lead, but it was only about magic that changed elements, not the appearance of people.
You let out a tired sigh after easily twenty minutes of searching. You weren’t going to give up, but you were exhausted. You thought it was a better idea to ask, but Meiling had said the librarian wasn’t as nice as her. It scared you to have to ask such a higher being for something ultimately so banal to her.
It didn’t matter much because the next hallway you looked, you ran into her.
“Yes, yes. I know you’re lost.” The woman said, without taking her eyes off her book. It relieved you that at least her immediate reaction wasn’t to pulverize you.
The girl in question was fairly short and had a constant neutral expression. You couldn’t understand the title of the book she was reading. Her hair was the longest of those you had met so far, and it was a pretty deep purple. Much the same as Meiling and Sakuya, she had part of her hair wrapped up in pretty bows of different colors.
Her outfit was the part that stood out more, though. She was wearing pastel-colored robes that looked incredibly comfy. Had you two been anywhere but the library, you would have probably confused them for pajamas.
You felt something tug at your heart. It often happened when you saw beautiful girls like her. It wasn’t exactly attraction like the rest of your friends; it was… desire. Jealousy. You wished you were like them, not necessarily with them.
“Miss Librarian, I’m…”
“Looking for magic books, I presume. Not many other reasons why a human might come here. I’m surprised no one pulverized you on your way here. I guess that must mean Remi wanted you to come.”
You gulped. You weren’t going to question her logic, just in case.
“D…” you struggled with your words. You were very visibly nervous. You clenched your fists together and blurred out something quickly, not allowing yourself to hesitate. “Do you have any shapeshifting books???”
This finally made the librarian stop. She closed her book and finally gave you some attention.
“I do. What may you need to shapeshift for, though? Do you want to play a prank on your friends or something?”
“N-No! I… I wanna… change how I look!”
“Ah, I see. I know of some spells for beginners, but at your null level, you’ll probably only be able to sustain the changes for a few minutes.”
You gulped. “N..No… I want to… change permanently.”
The librarian blinked. “That’s more difficult. What do you want to change? Perhaps a surgical procedure would be safer for you to attempt. Otherwise, you might harm your body without repair.”
“I—I’m willing to practice!” You whined.
“Permanent changes are very difficult to attempt for amateurs, much less human boys with zero experience.”
Your heart sank to the point you had to lean on one of the bookcases. You were used to being called that… but to hear it just as the magician confirmed your case was impossible struck like a bomb directed at your chest.
Your emotions were so on your sleeve even the librarian seemed a little concerned. “… What do you want to change, anyway? You didn’t answer my question.”
Your cheeks lighted up in red. You didn’t really want to confess it. You were scared. But… there wasn’t any other way. “I…” You needed her help. “I’dliketobecomeagirl!!!’ You mumbled quickly.
The woman took a step back, her concern showing a lot more, before she calmed herself down.
“Ah, I see. I beg your pardon for what I called you earlier.”
You looked up at her, feeling like you wanted to cry your eyes out. “It’s okay…”
“A total body transformation would require a very high-level spell that can be extremely dangerous for amateurs to attempt. I could teach you this spell, but I would need to ensure it's safe for you. Could you tell me why you desire this?”
You gulped. You kept trying to contain the need to cry. You needed to be strong. “I… I feel disconnected from myself. I don’t feel like this is who I am. I hate this body… and I often hate myself. I… I don’t care if there’s something to lose at this point. I can’t keep living like this…”
The librarian put a hand on your shoulder and forced a smile. “Do not worry. The spell I know doesn’t alter your memories, personality, or soul. You will still be you. The real you.”
Your eyes lit up. “Really? T-Then, then, where can I start reading?”
“We would need to start with essential concepts, at least the first ten Basic Transmutation tomes, then you’d probably require to practice on dolls daily for a couple of years. You’d also need to learn to conjure transformation circles, especially one big enough to alter your whole form. Before attempting it, it would be wise to read up on spell safety for at least three to four years, since it is extremely hard to reverse a transformation of your desired finesse. I would also think it wise to learn about potion craft so you can fine-tune the details better.”
Your eyes shrank. That was a decades-long project.
You had lied to yourself. You didn’t need to be Marisa once. You needed to be Marisa constantly. That’s the only reason why she was able to persevere. You were sure you could handle it if you really tried to, but even then, the confirmation that your following years would be just as miserable was finally enough to crush the hope you had fiercely defended the entire day.
“… Or I could just cast it for you. You didn’t let me finish.”
You stop.
You look up at the concerned librarian with a gulp. “R…really? You’d… cast it for me? But… but why?”
“You came all the way to Remi’s mansion for this. Probably knowing you were risking your life. I find that kind of perseverance endearing. If you don’t wish to involve yourself further in magic except for this one change, then I see no issues. For someone like me, this spell isn’t that complex.”
You got up, your cheeks tainted a profound red. You hadn’t expected you would need to reveal your secret, and much less that this probably hundreds of years old Youkai would understand it.
“I… I don’t know how to thank you… Please, I’ll do anything to compensate, I just—”
“There’s nothing you can compensate me with. Don’t worry; it will just take a couple of minutes.”
You gulped. You opened your mouth to speak, but she didn’t let you.
“Do you have any specific wishes about your new form?”
You couldn’t believe this. You even looked at your hands, as your friend had taught you. A way to verify if you were dreaming. If you were, they would be deformed. But they were in perfect shape. You were awake. This was real.
“M-Miss… can I ask for your name?”
“Patchouli.”
“P-Patchouli-sama! Well, I… I hadn’t really thought about it… I just want to be someone pretty and cute. I know it’s selfish of me, but…”
“There is nothing selfish about wanting to like yourself more. I understand what you mean. Please do not worry. It is your body and your chance to be happy with it. I will transform you to the best of my ability.”
You felt the urge to cry again, but contained yourself. You spent a minute or two telling Patchouli about the kind of girl you wanted to look like. Mostly describing the ones you admired and were jealous of, the ones you desperately wished to be. She helped you reach a middle ground between them, but reassured you she could spend a few minutes fine-tuning the details if needed.
After a few minutes…
“Ahem. Let us begin. This spell will change your entire body while keeping your memories, personality, and sense of self. Do you accept the risks? Are you willing to accept your new body until death?”
Patchouli opened her book, the pages starting to glow on her face. You saw many extremely complicated circles grow around you in the air, emanating a faint pink glow. You couldn’t understand their glyphs, but you decided to place your trust in her. She had been so kind to you and seemed genuinely concerned for your safety.
She… also seemed methodical. You wondered if she had done this to others before.
The spell started.
“May fate and this spell smile upon you.
“In the name of the stars and in the presence of the gods, I call upon the power of nature to change this body into the correct one for its soul. May they become a beautiful woman who will walk the path she wishes to, with a body to serve their needs and a mind to fulfill their goals.”
Light blinded you, and you had to close your eyes. You felt like you had lost all of your senses. You could see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing. You could only feel raw energy and power. As if your mind had been transposed to temporarily perceive not matter, not flesh, but aura, ether, mana, magic, whatever you wanted to call it.
You felt your own self and Patchouli’s. You could also feel the Youkai with bat wings you saw earlier floating around the library. You expected to feel yourself changing… but felt nothing. You only saw the way that self was contained change. Saw it, not felt it.
Your senses came back to you, the light finally dimming enough that you could see. You had fallen on your bum, and your clothes felt warm and tattered, probably scraped by the power of Patchouli’s spell.
You looked at your hands, still in perfect form. You were not dreaming. Your hands, however… they were softer. Your skin felt so much smoother.
You looked at your legs. Gone was all of the hair. Not shaved, there was none in the first place. You felt your face, and as you tried to understand its shape, Patchouli handed you a mirror.
You couldn’t believe it.
You looked… cute. You were adorable. A pretty girl. Not an imitation of others; you were beautiful, in your own way.
“Are you satisfied with the results of the spell? If you require any further changes to your new female body, please notify me. I was using a rough guess for your proportions, so if you wish to change them, we can do so with a minor enchantment.” Patchouli said.
You finally couldn’t hold it back anymore. Tears started to run down your cheeks.
“Patchouli-sama! I am a girl! I—I, I really am a girl!”
The librarian smiled. “You have a form that suits you now. I am glad to hear you are satisfied with it. Welcome to the world of womanhood.”
You cried tears of joy. It wasn’t pretty, but you felt ecstatic. You felt… happiness. The feeling you only got in short bursts rarely, now you were being assaulted by it.
“THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I—I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO…”
“Please don’t yell at the library.”
“I-I’m sorry—”
“You are very welcome. It is not that often that I can help someone so drastically and so quickly. It also feels nice to be needed. I have seen the happiness on your new face, and it makes me happy too.”
“Ah… Thank you so much, Patchouli-sama…”
You cleaned your tears with your new hands. Touching your face didn’t fill you with disgust anymore.
“… Again, I told you, you’re welcome.” She said, starting to get a little flustered.
“D…Do you think I should change my name?” You asked.
“If you wish to. You could say your old name was part of the old you, and thus it's dead. Or you could say your name still represents you. It’s up to what makes you more comfortable.”
“B…But what if others don’t accept it?”
“Pay their words no value or attention. They are simply not worth your time.
“Those who won’t accept you are just an insignificant part of the world. There will always be rude ones trying to tear you down, but choosing your own identity is up to you.
“You are a woman, and no one can take that away from you. You are beautiful and deserving of respect and compassion."
You couldn’t help it. You really needed somewhere to cry on. You reached out and gave Patchouli a tight hug. You regretted the maneuver seconds after, thinking you were only going to weird her out. However, the woman only got flustered and then wrapped her arms around you.
You leaned on her shoulder and cried. You cried your eyes out, sobbing about everything that had happened until now. You released it all in one go. You wanted to… so that you could start your actual life free of weight on you.
She gently stroked your new, soft hair, her warmth enveloping you. You could tell she didn’t have much experience doing this, but she was trying her best to comfort you.
“Sssh. It’s okay now. You’re safe. Everything is going to be okay.”
When you felt like you had vented things out, you finally let go of her, just as flustered as her. You had just hugged a youkai, after all. That could be a story to tell in the human village.
“It’s okay to let your emotions out. It’s okay to cry.
“It’s okay to let your heart heal.
“It’s okay to be yourself.
“You are safe, you are cared about, and you are loved.”
You smiled, and you felt that, for the first time since you can remember, your smile was genuine.