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Annie Kenyon traded one more kiss and a tranquil "I love you" with Liza Winthrop before bed in the solitude of the bottom of the stairs. The relationship had only been known to mightily few people. Liza's younger brother, Chad, being one of the few. For now, it needed to be that way.
The girls couldn't sleep in the same bed, as much as they'd love to, so Liza quietly led Annie up to Chad's bedroom, as was chosen by Liza's parents.
"Okay—maybe one more!" Liza whispered heartily before giving Annie an extra peck on the cheek, once in front of Chad's shut door, arms wrapped around her girlfriend from the side.
"Greedy jerk," Annie teased softly, caressing Liza's arm before she gave yet another kiss, "Goodnight", and "I love you."
Liza then made her way to her room, Annie watching her go till Liza disappeared for the evening. Annie was not a violent person, but she knew she'd want to fight tooth and nail for that girl to simply make her happy, and Liza would do the same.
She turned her head to look at Chad's room door. Even as Annie knocks on the door, she can't shake the wish that she was walking into Liza's room, with its wide space, snapshots of buildings from various places plastered on the walls, and even its flaws, like how messy it could get. Annie hadn't been in it a bunch of times yet, but it had already begun to feel like home to her. Because it felt like Liza. No offense to Chad, but she would love to be with Liza tonight; in her embrace, feeling her warm skin against hers, hearing her heart beating in her chest, knowing that she was at peace of mind as long as she was with—
"Hi, Annie," Chad greeted as he opened his door after her knock, snapping Annie back to reality. That she was not with Liza and that she was still in a world where she had to sneak around rather than just be with her girlfriend.
"I'm almost ready for you," Chad continued. "I just need to get a mattress for you—I assumed you don't want to sleep in the same bed with me..."
"Huh, right," Annie laughed, forced.
Chad squeezes past Annie to get to a nearby linen closet. Annie eyed as he pulled out an old, large twin mattress. He placed it on its side. "Is this okay?" he asked Annie.
It looked like a kids' mattress. Some people would be peeved at having to sleep on something so non-luxurious and small, but with her home life, Annie was used to and content with the bottom of the barrel. She nodded. She then moved out of the way as Chad dragged the mattress into his room and plopped it on the floor next to his bed. He walked back to the closet, pulled a pillow and blanket out, and dropped them on top of the mattress. All of these things were done without a word between the two.
Chad rested his hands on the door frame. "So... it's ready in here when you are."
"Okay," Annie said, feeling the need to say something rather than just nod.
As Chad went back into his room, she walked her luggage that she had left in the hallway, pulled out her pajamas, and carried them to the bathroom down the hall. She passed Liza's closed-off room and gently rubbed the door on the way there.
Once clothed for bed, she went back to where she had left her bags and looked at Mr. Winthrop's guitar that was nearby. It was now hers. He gave it to her. She looked at the black smudge on it. Annie didn't know the full story behind it, but it felt special. Like an artifact almost.
Annie then entered Chad's room with her bags and guitar, leaving the door slightly ajar. Next to the mattress now was a desk lamp on the floor, plugged into a low-to-the-ground outlet. She made friendly eye contact with Chad, who was lying on his stomach on the wrong side of his bed. Then Annie rested the guitar against the wall and sat on the mattress.
Annie thought Chad was sweet. She had only interacted with him a couple of brief times, but she could tell he was a good kid. Well, "kid"—she and Liza were only two years older than him. It's not like she and Liza were real adults yet. He was more reserved than Liza when it came to prowess. Liza was student council president in high school and was now studying at MIT. As far as Annie knew, Chad didn't do anything like student council and wasn't aiming for any big-league college if he was aiming for college at all. Not that that's a bad thing necessarily. But Chad seemed a bit more carefree when it came to expressing his personality. He was still a kid. In that regard, Liza seemed more reserved. And sometimes Annie, too.
"I'm turning in for the night," Chad informed as his head became visible to Annie over the side of the bed, his long hair shaggier than typical for him.
Annie gave an amiable smile. "Okay"
"Is it okay if I turn out the light?"
"Yeah, definitely."
Chad stands up and switches the light off. He then returned to bed, and they traded "goodnights".
Annie waited till it seemed that Chad was sleeping, based on the calm breaths in the room and lack of movement, before pulling a ruled notepad out of her luggage and turning the desk lamp on. She didn't get Liza a physical gift this year. She wanted to, but money this year, as always, really, was tight, especially with paying for Berkeley. So this year, she had to make something. She made the bold choice of writing Liza a lyrical song. Annie had written instrumentals before, but never anything with words. The first time she did would've been expected to be special, and what could be more special than that song being for the love of her life? The only issue was that she wasn't sure if she could get it right.
•••
KLANK! Chad woke up in the middle of the night. The light sound had woken him up. Still, in a slight stupor, he looked over the side of the bed. He vaguely computed the sight of Annie sitting up his desk lamp that had been knocked over, probably by her hand that clasped a pencil, hence the noise.
"Sorry, Chad," she sighed. "Didn't mean to wake you."
Chad glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 3:23 am. He reached over and turned on the lamp. "What are you doing up?"
Annie looked down. "Nothing..."
"No..." Chad drove a hand in his hair. "But you don't have to tell me."
Annie stared quietly before writing in her notepad. Chad rapidly patted the sides of his face as if to wake himself up. He glanced at the pencil and her hand. He notices the gold band with the pale blue stone on her finger.
"That's a pretty ring—where'd you get it?" he asked.
Annie clenched her jaw. She knew that Chad was aware of her and Liza's relationship, but the fear of talking about it was still very much so there. Annie wasn't used to the freedom of being able to talk about Liza—or just things related to her sexuality in general. But God, did she want to boast about Liza!
"It came from an antique shop," she said bluntly. It wasn't a lie.
"Mmm." Chad cracked his knuckles as his eyes moved around the room, unsure of what to say next.
Annie waggled her pencil on the notepad. She had to let the anxious energy out somehow. Come on, Annie, saying it won't kill you, she thought. "Your sister gave it to me..."
Chad turned his attention to Annie again. He seemed to pause for room to think before merrily exclaiming, "Oh! Liza has one really similar, with a green gem."
Annie grinned, forgetting her inhibitions. "Yes, she does!"
"I never thought about where it came from..." Chad sat up on the side of his bed, his bare feet touching Annie's mattress. "Say, how'd you two get together anyway? If I can ask."
Annie's brows raised. She knew she might tell the story one day to someone close (besides the guy she met at Berkeley), but it still surprised her. A good surprise. She put the notepad and pencil down and sat next to Chad on his bed.
"Well, if you want to know the full story..." An involuntary smile stretched on her face. "We met at the MET. I'm just realizing how funny that sounds, but we did. It was last November. It was raining. We got along quickly..." Annie leaned back on the headboard with a wistful smile.
"And..." Chad teased, leaning forward.
Annie chuckled. "Okay, okay!" She sat up. "Not too long after our families met each other for the first time, Liza and I went to Coney Island. It wasn't a date from the start. We were friends—smitten friends—just having fun. We sat on the beach..." Annie clicked her tongue. "Now, Liza might tell you differently, but I think she started it. I got cold, and she put her arm around me." She rolled her eyes with a grin, amused by the memory. "But maybe I started the kiss. And she kissed me back."
Chad giggled. "That's cute! Then what?"
"Well..." Annie shrugged. "She actually walked away. Tended to some litter on the ground." Annie smirked at the disappointment in Chad's crunched nose and curled lip. "It's not that she didn't care. It was just a big blow. Liza didn't know she was gay, while I had known I was for years. Sometimes, when your worldview is shifted majorly, all you can do is something simple."
Annie played with the ring on her finger. "Anyway, we talked. Emotions were high. I wish I could say it was like any other typical kiss where all parties involved are joyous, but the feeling in the air once our lips parted was almost exclusively anxious, with Liza trying to figure herself out as if it would've only taken a few minutes, and me feeling guilty and self-deprecating. I told her all this stuff about how much I adored her—just spilling—and to my surprise, she did the same... then she told me she loved me."
Annie paused to pay attention to Chad's face. The friendly teasing ceased, Chad genuinely paying attention. "That's... really hasty for Lize. She must've meant it..."
Annie nodded. "I didn't say I love you back immediately. It was all so new and frightening. I tried lying to myself that Liza didn't love me, and I somehow influenced her into liking me. As if I unknowingly put a spell on her. Just overthinking it. There was really nothing to worry about when it came to us. There were more external problems."
Chad shook his head, a pang in his stomach. "If I could change the world for you two—for anyone like you two—I would..."
Annie simpered, heartbeat hastening. It meant a lot to see someone who was (presumably) not gay care about things needing to change. "Thank you."
Chad shrugged like it was nothing. "Yeah. You're welcome." He stretched a bit. "Why did you lie to yourself, Annie?"
Annie licked her inner cheek. "I dunno..." she said. "A lot of my lesbian self-discovery journey has entailed me lying to myself at least a bit." She giggled, "You know, I dated a guy once..."
Chad's eyebrows lifted. He was silent till, "My sister's cooler than him, right?"
"Oh, yeah!" Annie exclaimed, "No contest!" Annie rubbed the heel of her palm against her chest. "I guess I just don't... didn't see myself as worthy of Liza. She felt so out of this world. I hadn't had a girl be in love with me before, and I didn't feel deserving, with her being her and me being me. So I tried to tell myself it wasn't real."
Chad folded his lips to hide the quiver. It caused him a surprising amount of sadness to think of her feeling that way. And maybe still feeling that way. "Well, if it's any consolation, I think you're pretty great."
Annie grinned before sliding off the bed and back onto the mattress. Sitting, she picked up the notepad again, turned to Chad, and clutched it close to her chest. "I... was thinking of writing your sister a song. With lyrics." She giggled, "The only issue is that I'm not great at lyricism."
"Well, I think that'd be a great sentiment," Chad said. "I saw you writing. Can I see what you have so far...?"
A lump in Annie's throat grew. The project felt so personal already, and it felt scary to show it. "It's mainly just brainstorming, really. I've penned down my feelings, things I've felt in the past, experiences, memories, things that have been told to me, blah, blah..." Annie took a breath and opened the notepad to the page that she had been talking about and handed it to him.
Chad took it and skimmed over the page. Miscellaneous words and phrases were randomly scattered about it:
Books.
Libraries.
Lost.
White birds.
The Manhattan skyline.
Love.
Home.
Shadows.
The thing about mountains is that you have to keep on climbing them.
Rain
It was indeed a brainstorm. "Interesting."
Annie's eyes looked off. "Yeah, it just garble—"
"No! You could work with this!" Chad protested. His fingers tapped on the back of the notepad as he clutched it. "Can I... help you at all?"
Annie tilted her head. "You've written lyrics before?"
"No... but I've written poems before. Can't be that different, right?"
"I don't know. I was thinking about dropping the idea, but if I did that I would get Liza nothing—which is something I don't even want to entertain..." She reached for and grabbed the guitar she left on the mattress.
"It'll be fine. No matter what you do, she'll like it."
Annie smiled. "I wouldn't mind you helping..."
Chad returned the expression with a nod. "Okay!" He looked back at the words on the paper. "So, 'The thing about mountains is that you have to keep on climbing them'. Could be a great opening line. Very poetic."
Annie nodded. "It's something Nana tells me. I think it applies to the past year and some change, Liza and I've been through..." Annie began strumming the guitar. A faint, homespun tune. "Did Liza ever tell you... exactly what happened?"
Chad was surprised she asked. He shook his head. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..."
Annie smiled lightly, coming to the final revelation that Chad was completely trustworthy. For what felt like the first time since maybe Liza, Annie felt like she could talk about this part of herself. And there was no shame felt. "I'm okay with it if you are."
Chad bobbed his head. "Okay."
Annie's strumming became slower as she focused a bit more on telling the story. Her voice was still as she recalled: "Liza and I used to spend a lot of time at Ms. Stevenson's and Ms. Widmer's house a lot—back when they lived in it..."
"Yeah. I knew about that."
"We..." Annie trailed, trying to find a way to explain that she and Liza were caught half-naked without being too blunt about it. "We were caught in the house by another one of Liza's teachers and one of her old friends. The friend was named Sally—I don't remember the teacher's name. And due to context clues, they could tell that we were more than friends. Due to this, we got Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer into a lot of trouble. They thought they were allowing students to..." Annie figured there might not be a way around it, "to have sex in their house. It didn't help that we were both girls, and some had 'suspicions' about Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer. We were all outed in the situation. For me, it was to total strangers. Sucked."
"Sounds uncomfortable." Chad didn't seem to think about the sex part, to Annie's relief.
Annie nodded. "Yes. There was this whole inquisition thing where they tried to figure out if Liza was influenced by Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer to... be gay—or whatever. It was gross, and I sometimes feel guilty that Liza had to basically go on trial, and I didn't because I didn't go to Foster."
"Aww—don't even!" Chan declared with a nose crunch. "She doesn't even seem to muse that you should've been through that."
"I know," Annie grinned sadly. "But thankfully, all that's all over. But in the aftermath, plus moving to separate colleges, Liza and I drifted. Six months without writing. But then she called me a few weeks before this visit, and it's like we never stopped being with each other. I'm glad."
Chad pressed his lips together and started down, like he thought of something he was embarrassed to say. He then looked up at Annie. “What’s it like? Being in love...?”
Annie put her tongue between her teeth. She pondered what to say for a second. Then smiled as she came to an answer. “I think it's beautiful. And difficult. And worth it. It's cool to know that when you're a kid, you read about feelings and see them in movies or on TV. And then you meet someone, and you get to feel those things. I never thought I'd get to. Even before I knew I was gay—it felt too fantastical sometimes. And it was. Real love is messier than I can describe than what happens in fiction, but it's real.”
“Sounds beautiful.” Chad's lips shrugged. He stayed quiet. Annie's tune seemed to loop. He finally swallowed and asked, "Can I tell you a secret...?"
Annie took in a sharp breath. She then tried to shrug. "Sure!" It wasn't that she was uncomfortable, but that she wasn't sure what he was going to say. Jesus, what if he came out to her...
Chad slid down onto Annie's mattress. "Back when the whole thing was happening..." Chad began, "I was talking to this guy, Walt, who's dating one of my sister's ex-friends, Sally—you seem to know of her..."
Annie's eyes went wide as they rolled, making Chad chuckle. "Yeah, well, it was right after school one day, and we were a few blocks away from Foster on our way to our separate homes. We're not best friends or anything, but I was just casually talking to him that day. He said... something about Lize and how Sally was saying all the right things—it was subtle, but clearly a microaggression. I told him how wrong he and Sally were, he said more, even worse smart-ass stuff—I barely remember what, and I... lost it. I punched him in the jaw, he punched me in the face, and we fought for, like, two minutes or so..."
Annie stopped playing and put a hand on Chad's shoulder. "Chad! Mi dispiace!"
"Don't worry, he was so two-faced—I'm glad to be rid of him! I never told Lize or Mom what happened because I didn't want them to worry. Or be mad at me for fighting. I wasn't the one getting to worse of all that junk this year, that was Liza. All I really got was a bloody nose..." Chad smirked, playfully tucking some of his curls behind his ear. "The blood in my hair wasn't mine..."
Annie's eyes narrowed as she couldn't hold back a smile. "Chad..."
He crossed his arms. "I don't regret it. I'd do anything to defend my sister. And you. Don't... tell her I said that."
Annie fondly shook her head at his overblown sense of pride and held out her pinky. "I won't," she promised, despite her secretly feeling like Liza should know; even if she did worry, she would never be mad at him.
Chad linked his pinky with hers with a smile.
"Just please be safe!" Annie added. "I don't want you getting into fights with every person who doesn't like gay people. You'd exhaust yourself."
Chad wobbled his head sarcastically. "Okay!"
•••
Annie and Chad worked on the lyrics for the rest of the night, pairing them with the tune Annie played earlier. Soon enough, it was after six o'clock in the morning. Nearly seven.
"Like the way 'If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain' sounds," Chad remarked as he sat on the bed, Annie across from him. Neither had truly noticed the day breaking outside the window.
"It's cheesy," Annie smiled.
"This whole idea is cheesy. You might as well embrace it and run with it."
Annie rested he cheek on her fist. "I just... can't help but feel like I need to continue working on it. It needs to be as close to perfect as I can get it."
Chad looked at the notepad filled with lines. "I think it's ready now, and no matter what it says, Lize will love it. But we can keep tweaking it. Just remember, we don't have an infinite amount of time before Christmas."
"Yeah, I know." Annie paused in thought. "What if we changed 'You try to make sense of why you're forbade / But beyond this place of wrath and tears is a world that finds me unafraid' to 'You try to make sense of your brain's charade / But beyond this place of wrath and tears is a world that finds me unafraid.' I'm not sure if the former makes sense grammatically."
"Sure thing." Chad erased the previous line and penciled in the new as Annie watched, both tranquil, when—
"BLAH!" a voice shouted.
They both jumped as Chad slammed the notepad shut like second nature. Liza santered through the doorway as she giggled at her ability to startle them. Looking back at her, Chad placed the notepad next to him, away from Liza, so as not to draw her attention to it. Annie smiled a bit, impressed by Chad's subtle efforts.
"Oh, my God, Lize!" He exclaimed.
Liza rubbed her hands together with a grin. "Sorry. Just wanted to check up on Annie."
Chad noticed how Annie's face lit up at the sight of Liza. There hadn't been a doubt in his mind that Annie loved his sister, but seeing it, unfiltered, not like how it was in front of his parents yesterday, was something else. How could anyone be against that, he wondered. Something so pure. Chad knew he wouldn't know how to feel if his parents were against Liza and Annie in the future. Chad, maybe selfishly, almost hoped Liza would never tell, so he wouldn't have to confront that. The idea was too painful to muse on. He didn't want either of them hurt.
For Annie, the feeling of having missed Liza was much fainter than it had been last night. Writing about her made Annie feel like Liza had been there. That said, why was she up this early, Annie wondered. "It's 6:44 in the morning..." Annie commented.
"I just randomly woke up, and you were the first thing on my mind," Liza said as she sat between them.
Chad cooed mockingly before Liza smacked him in the back of his head just as playfully. "And anyway, you're being a hypocrite," Liza continued with Annie. "What are you two doing up at 6:44 in the morning?"
Annie bit her lip as she glanced at Chad. He attempted to be nonchalant with a shrug as he said, "Just... hanging out."
To Annie, it didn't look believable enough, and she wanted to take over, but it wasn't like she knew much better. She looked at Liza's cockily inquisitive face. "Getting to know each other better," she added as calmly as possible. Maybe it wasn't a lie.
Chad and Annie waited for Liza's response, both feigning calmness. "Ah, well, that's nice," she said.
Chad discreetly let out a breath. Annie proceeded to ask Liza if they could see her family today, which Liza happily agreed to, having already thought of the idea. The three joked about the last time the Winthrop family visited the Kenyons, Liza growled at a homeless man before Annie suggested the three of them get some more rest, as there was no need to be up so early when there was no school. Joy flooded her; Liza didn't know a thing.
After everyone was in agreement, Liza left. Chad and Annie immediately looked at each other and laughed, clasping each other's hands. "She's clueless!" Chad cried.
"I thought I was gonna die trying not to make her suspicious!" Annie replied.
"Well," Chad said as they calmed down, "I think I'm going to sleep a bit, and you should too. You wanna be able to speak to your family without dozing off, don't ya?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right, as much as I want to continue." Annie slipped off the bed and onto the floor mattress. She covered up with the blanket as Chad did the same. "And Chad," Annie began again. He looked at her. She grinned. "Thank you again. Last night was nice."
"It's nothing, Ann." Chad grinned back as Annie chuckled at the offhanded nickname.
Chad knew he had too much pride to admit it out loud, but it felt really nice having two sisters. But little did he know, Annie enjoyed having a brother just as much.