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It’s 11 P.M., Tae Moo and Ha Ri are going back to Seoul after their trip to Sokcho. Tae Moo disguised it as a business trip, but in fact, he just wanted to bring her to meet the coastal city and make a food tour together, as he knew it was part of her wishlist, according to her social media. Now, she will finally be able to post a picture showing her dream turning into reality, instead of just dreaming about it. Tae Moo can barely wait to check her Instagram again.
And Ha Ri absolutely can’t hide how happy she is for finally traveling there, even though she still thinks they went to all those restaurants purely for business matters. Immersed in her own thoughts, she is trying to remember every single meal they had the pleasure to taste in all the restaurants they visited, and trying to gather new ideas for the company products. She can’t wait for the next day, as there are millions of ideas crossing her mind. Tae Moo takes his eyes away from the road for a second and looks at her face, smiling at how bright her eyes seem to be. He feels good by seeing how delighted she looks, and also glad for all the time they could spend together this day; he got to know a lot more about Ha Ri, her story, her joys, her dreams. Tae Moo felt really joyful to how close they managed to get; that meant his ‘business trip’ worked according to the plan. ‘Mission accomplished’, he thought.
Ha Ri snaps out of her trail of thoughts, and stares at Tae Moo for a moment, he doesn’t notice her as he is focused on driving. Immediately, her cheeks turn red, and she quickly turns her face to the window, so he wouldn’t see her blushing.
Even though they can’t read each other’s mind, their thoughts are clearly connected. Ha Ri smiles at her reflection at the window, thinking about how many happy moments they had during the day. Going to the beach, eating burgers at the food truck, driving inside the city… She never wished so bad for time to stop moving. And as much as she is reluctant to admit, Tae Moo made the whole experience even better. She enjoyed being by his side, she enjoyed his friendship, his presence, everything. She admired him so much, life seemed to be brighter when he was around. ‘Could it be that… I am developing special feelings for him?’ She thinks, a little uneasy. Her smile fades a bit, eyes still looking at the window, a thoughtful semblant drawn on them. From her seat, she could see the full moon shining bright at the sky, and also the stars that kept her company. ‘Such a romantic scenario. Is that why I am thinking so dearly of Tae Moo today?’ She thinks to herself. Tae Moo looks at her, and asks:
“Are you tired, Ha Ri? You can sleep if you want to.”
Ha Ri suddenly snaps out of her thoughts, in a jump.
“Huh? No, no, I’m fine! Just got distracted here.” She smiles at him. “You must be even more tired, since you’re driving.”
“I’m fine as well. Besides, I feel better driving, the passenger seat has way too much adrenaline for my heart to handle.” He smirks playfully, making fun of her driving abilities.
“How dare you!” She says, punching his shoulder, faking an angry face. “I’m sorry for being such a crazy ass driver, who brought us totally safe and sound from Seoul to Sokcho, if I remember it well.” She says, confidently defending her abilities.
He gives her a quick look and says in a fierce tone.
“I don’t want to hear apologies coming from your mouth anymore, Ha Ri. You can say some better things, like, how I’m cool, and how it’s fun to be around me.”
She looks at him, a playful smile showing on her face. “You’re funny.” she says. She keeps staring at him, and notices Tae Moo driving with one hand, his free arm leaning on his leg. ‘And you look cool too’, she thinks, feeling her cheeks blush.
Thankfully for them, this road is calm at night, with only a few cars crossing their paths every now and then. Most of the time, the only sound that can be heard is their own voices and laughs.
Suddenly, the road in front of them is taken by darkness. The moonlight disappears, dark clouds covering her now. Ha Ri and Tae Moo are too distracted talking about some random topics that they only realize the weather had changed when the first raindrops hit the windshield. Ha Ri stops talking and takes a look outside. Right when she looks through the window, the small drops turn into a heavy rain. She curses the weather, as it gets more difficult to see what is in front of them this way.
“Damn this weather… It wasn’t on the weather forecast that it would be raining tonight. I guess we’ll take longer to arrive in Seoul now.” She says, a concerned expression forming on her face. She looks at Tae Moo, waiting for him to curse the weather along with her, after all, he was the one who would have to drive in this condition. But suddenly, he went quiet. ‘Weird… He was so talkative just a minute ago. Did I say something wrong?’ She thinks, a little confused.
The rain sounds were the starting point for Tae Moo’s anxiety to show up, but now he’s starting to faintly hear a voice shouting in his ears: his child-self longing for his parents. He involuntarily brings his hand to his ear, but quickly manages to take it away, before Ha Ri notices. ‘I can do it’ he tries to reassure himself, taking a deep breath. ‘We’re not too far from Seoul. I can control myself until we get there.’
He tries to loosen the collar of his jacket, feeling like he was about to suffocate. His forehead starts to sweat, but he still tries to act normally and keep his cool. Tae Moo remembers Ha Ri’s last words, and gives her a brief response.
“Yeah, damn this weather.” He says, in a serious tone.
Ha Ri notices his hand shivering a little on the steering wheel, but doesn’t worry too much about it. ‘He might be more tired than he shows. That’s probably why he is quiet now. Whew, I thought I screwed things up.’ She thinks, a little relieved. ‘He could’ve told me, though. Jokes aside, I could drive us safely to Seoul, even in this weather.’
While Ha Ri is absorbed in her own thoughts, Tae Moo is losing an inner fight against himself, as the uneasiness keeps building up inside his chest. The screams from that day keep getting louder and louder, until he involuntarily brings his hands to his ears again, this time pressing them for a longer time. When he feels his vision tunneling, he realizes he won’t be able to bring them safely to Seoul is this state, and quickly pulls over the car to the side of the road.
Ha Ri looks at the window and sees only a bus stop at one side of the road, she can’t even see the other side because of how heavy the rain was.
“Hm? What’s the matter?” She asks, still looking outside to check their surroundings.
“Get out.” He says, bluntly, as he feels the panic worsening.
“Huh, what? Why?” Ha Ri looks at him incredulously.
“I forgot about a meeting I’ll have in Sokcho. Go back to Seoul by yourself.” He says, using his business activities as an excuse.
“W-what? How could you forget something so important like that, Mr. Kang? And look at this weather, I’m gonna have a hard time walking outside! I thought it wouldn’t be rainy tonight, so I didn’t bring my umbrella. You can take me with you, I’ll wait in the car.” She says as she looks again through the window.
“Didn’t you hear what I just said?!” Tae Moo screams at her now. Ha Ri looks at him, in shock. Did he just scream at her? Ha Ri doesn’t care if he is her boss or whoever he is at this moment, she feels her blood boil.
“I did hear you, but I’m NOT getting out of the car when the rain is pouring like crazy outside! What is the meaning of this?!” She exclaims, mad at his sudden angry outburst.
He gives her a desperate look, before he hears the rain getting even heavier. The last thing he is able to scream at her is another “Ha Ri, OUT!” right before he finally loses his internal battle, feeling the terror overwhelming his senses and taking control of his body. Unable to control his anxiety anymore, he takes his seatbelt off, grabs the steering wheel, and lowers down his head as he starts to hyperventilate. He really didn’t want Ha Ri to see him like this.
Ha Ri was ready to snap back at him, but as she sees him lowering down his head, her anger towards him starts to dissipate, giving place to worry. She notices that now not only his hands were trembling, but his entire body. ‘He isn’t just tired, what the…?’
“Mr. Kang? Hey, what’s wrong?” She asks, placing a hand on his back as she stares at him, trying to understand what is going on. Tae Moo is unable to answer her, being out of breath. He grabs his chest with one hand, and the steering wheel with the other, putting so much force on his grip that his fingers went white. His body feels hot, even though he is sweating cold at the same time. His heart is beating like crazy, and he feels like he is going to pass out at any minute.
Tae Moo could now vividly see his parents dying in front of his eyes. He could see clearly the dazzling orange of the fire. The shining reflection of the light in all the pieces of glass scattered on the ground. The bright red of his parents’ blood. And the rain. The damn rain.
As she sees him hyperventilating, Ha Ri snaps out of her trance and suddenly realizes: Tae Moo is having a panic attack. Taking a grasp of the situation, now she starts to panic herself. She doesn’t quite know what to do. ‘I’ve never had to deal with such a thing before, what should I do now??’ She thinks desperately, her palms starting to sweat. As her thoughts keep racing, she looks at him again and notices that his grip on the steering wheel is softening, his body slowly going limp. Her eyes widen, as she realizes he is going to collapse soon if she doesn’t take action. ‘Think, Ha Ri, think!’ she screams internally.
In a loss of what to do, Ha Ri adjusts herself on her seat, leans towards him and rubs his back in a slow pattern.
“Kang Tae Moo. Hey, hang in there, please, stay with me… It’s going to be fine. It’s okay, you’re not alone. I’m here with you. Breathe along with me. In… Out… In…” She whispers in a quiet voice, trying not scare him any more, still caressing his back.
All the sounds from outside seemed to be coming from far away in Tae Moo’s ears, he could barely make sense of anything at all. The screams of his child self were echoing too loud at his head, his own voice driving him mad along with the raindrops that wouldn’t stop. But as he recognizes Ha Ri’s voice, he tries his best to follow what she was saying and breathe along with her. It’s a hard task, and it isn’t bringing any miraculous results, but at least is easing the pain on his chest a little bit.
Ha Ri notices his breath becoming a little steadier, and keeps whispering in his ears for some more minutes. But she worries as she sees his anxiety still hasn't fully gone away. In a loss of what else to do, Ha Ri starts whispering to him about random topics now. She remembers all the memories they shared together, the daily events that happened in their lives lately, all their good moments at Sokcho, anything to take his mind away from the rain.
“Tae Moo, remember when we went to eat at that Mexican restaurant? Who would know their food would be even spicier than ours! I couldn’t handle it, and you laughed so much at me. I was so mad at you that moment, but now I laugh along as well when I remember it. Also, remember that time when we had to hide from my brother in front of my house? We were right under his nose, how can he be so oblivious, right? His peripheral vision sucks so much. Also, remember when we…” Tae Moo can only hear some pieces of what she is saying, the flashbacks inside his head still too vivid for his liking; but he tries his best to focus on her words. Ha Ri’s voice is making its way through the screams, and that’s is something at least. She keeps talking to him. “Do you remember when we first met at the company? After throwing a slipper on your face, I’d never imagine we’d be here traveling together like that one day. I’m so glad things ended up well for us. Oh, and that day when we bumped at each other, and we…” Ha Ri continues for some more minutes.
“…Did you know Mr. Gye and Ms. Yeo are in a relationship? I was shocked to hear that! How did they keep it a secret for so long? On the other day, they…”
“…And yesterday we were working on our kimchi again, just to make sure it wasn’t too…”
“I am so glad that you brought me to Sokcho along with you. I didn’t tell you before, but it was one of my biggest dreams to see the city, and I totally wasn’t expecting that I’d even be able to eat that burger, their food truck is so hard to find! We were so lucky today!”
“…Also, I heard from Ms. Kim that you can play the violin, and a little bit of guitar, is that true? If so, you’ll have to play it for me one of these days! You were so cool playing the piano that night, I still remember when you played that song…” And so, Ha Ri keeps talking on and on, still not hearing any answers from him. But she knows it’s helping, as she feels his trembling slowing down a little. She keeps caressing his back, and remembers the day they met to discuss ways to fool his grandfather with their fake date. He said in a fierce tone that he hated rainy days, as his expression became obscure. A sad expression shows in her face, and she wonders what could possibly be crossing his mind right now. ‘Thank goodness I didn’t get out of the car… How many times did you have to pass through this by yourself? Gosh, Tae Moo.” She thinks.
Suddenly, the noise from the raindrops on the windshield stops. Ha Ri looks through the window again, now she is able to see clearly the other side of the road. ‘Thank goodness…’ She thinks to herself.
Tae Moo’s anxiety finally dissipates, leaving only a light shivering running through his body. His grip on his chest softens, and he slowly lifts his head. His eyes have an exhausted semblant, and his breathing is still a little fast, but he feels relieved that the rain finally stopped.
Exhaling deeply, he sunk himself on the driver’s seat, covering his eyes with one hand. His forehead is covered in sweat, and his heart still beating like crazy. But he knew that the worst part was over already.
Ha Ri puts her hand on his shoulder, and asks concerned:
“Are you okay? How are you feeling, Tae Moo?”
‘Embarrassed’ he thinks. But he can’t open his mouth to answer, too flustered to face Ha Ri. Tae Moo curses himself internally for letting her see him in such a state.
Checking the window one more time to be sure if the rain had stopped completely, he then gets out of the car to get some fresh air, still feeling a little suffocated. Tae Moo leans at the door and stares blankly at the dark sky. He still remembers the first time he ever felt like this, when he was only 18 years old; it had left a big scar on him, because that day was his first test to take his driver’s license, and he had failed it because the rain started right when he was behind the steering wheel. He still has some flashes of memories of the instructors carrying him out of the car and trying to calm him down, of how they thought he just got nervous because of the test, and how scared he felt from experiencing that awful feeling for the first time. Ever since his parents’ death he never liked rainy days again, and felt uneasy inside cars when the weather wasn’t good, but he never felt a fear that strong until he started driving by himself. Unable to breathe, he thought he was seriously ill, having a heart attack, or about to die, only to be diagnosed with panic disorder later. It was a situation he never wanted to pass through again. And so, he tried an uncountable number of times to get over it, yet, there he was, years later, panicking again in front of the last person he wanted to see him like that.
Ha Ri looks at him through the window. Knowing Tae Moo, she knows very well how much his pride must be hurt. Getting out of the car as well, she approaches him and puts her hand on his shoulder.
“There is nothing to be embarrassed about, Tae Moo. It’s okay. You could have told me how you were feeling, I was so worried there.” She looks at him, a concerned expression drawn on her face. He remains in silence, still not looking at her. Ha Ri continues. “I would never think poorly of you because of it, and I don’t want to see you blaming yourself about it too. If you ever feel like talking about it, I’ll always be here, I just want you to know that.” She says, her hand sliding down on his arm until she reaches his hand. Tae Moo looks at their intertwined fingers, and feels a lone tear running down his face, feeling touched by how caring Ha Ri was being with him. It was a new experience; it felt so different to have someone sincerely supporting him, when he was so used to having to hide all his weaknesses so as not to allow any of the vicious people around him to do him any harm.
As if she could read his thoughts, Ha Ri wipes his tear with her thumb, and hugs him, softly patting his back. He embraces her in his arms as well, and they remain in silence for what seems like an eternity. All they can hear is the sound of their own breathing.
Tae Moo was the first one to speak.
“I wanted to tell you, Ha Ri. I wanted to tell you everything. I just… I couldn’t find a way to explain my weakness without looking pathetic in front of you.” He says, a blank expression on his face. “In the end, I guess it didn’t work very well.” He finishes, a bitter tone on his voice. Ha Ri takes her face away from his shoulder and lifts her head to look at him, her brows furrowed in a worried expression. “Don’t say it like that. Not everything is under your control, Tae Moo, you’re just human, and you don’t have to be strong all the time. That’s fine, there is nothing to be embarrassed of.” He stares at her for a moment, then hugs her tightly again, bringing her head back to his shoulder.
After some more time, they decided to sit on the bench at the bus stop to rest a little while Tae Moo recovered his energies. A concerned expression showed up on his face, as he felt that he had to open up his heart to Ha Ri. ‘I think she deserves to know about me. About my past, and about… What I did to my parents on the day of their death. She stood by my side, it’s not fair to keep hiding it from her.’ He thinks, feeling the guilt rise up on his throat. He told Ha Ri about his trauma, what happened to his parents, the car crash, the reason why he hates rainy days, and… How guilty he feels for their painful death. So many years later, he still blames himself for asking them to come back home for him. His voice trembled as he was getting to the last part of his story. He was afraid it could be the last time Ha Ri would want to look at his face after finding out that his stubbornness took away the life of his beloved parents, he thought.
Ha Ri listened to everything in silence, her hand slowly caressing his back, trying to comfort him. She had no idea of how much he went through during all these years. ‘I thought his life was… Perfect. He is a rich company CEO, a skilled person, coming from such a great background… Really, nothing is as it seems.’, Ha Ri thinks to herself. After some time, she decides to question him.
“Would you blame me if I crashed your car coming from Seoul to Sokcho?”
Tae Moo looks at her, his brow furrowing a little.
“…What? Of course not, Ha Ri. I was just joking when I spoke about your driving skills before.” He answers back, a little confused.
“Then, why do you think your parents would blame you for their car accident?” She asks. “And look, I am just your friend, but you are their son. I am sure their biggest wish is for you to live life happily. How do you think they would feel if they saw you carrying all this blame in your shoulders?” She says, in a soft voice. Tae Moo feels in a loss of words, tears flowing down his eyes, as he feels Ha Ri’s words touch his heart. She brings his head to rest on her shoulder, as she keeps patting his back slowly. He just stays there for a while in silence, unable to move. ‘How many times did you have to suffer like this by yourself?’ Ha Ri thinks, a concerned expression showing on her face.
“…Thank you, Shin Ha Ri.” He says, his voice echoing in the silence of the road. Ha Ri just smiles at him. “And sorry for screaming at you before, I-“ Tae Moo starts speaking, but Ha Ri cuts him before he finishes.
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I’m glad you’re feeling better now, you had me scared there. You just have to promise you won’t hide anything from me anymore.”
He smiles at her, agreeing to her terms.
Tae Moo checks his phone to see what time it is, and remembers a fancy hotel he stayed in on one of his last business trips. He gives Ha Ri a suggestion.
“It’s a little late already. There is a good hotel nearby, we could spend the night there and go back to Seoul in the morning, what do you think? I’m too tired to drive the rest of the way.”
“No wonder... But I can drive us back to Seoul if you want to.”
His eyes widened at the suggestion.
“Absolutely not.” He says in a hurry, in an spontaneous reaction, only to realize later what he just did.
“Hey, you! How dare you mock my driving skills!” She says, punching his shoulder. He smiles at her, and she sighs relieved, glad to see him in a better mood again. “So, shall we go? I need some wi-fi to update my Instagram!” Ha Ri says.
“I’ll be jealous if you don’t post at least one of our pictures together.” Says Tae Moo. Ha Ri giggles as she shows him one of the pictures they took together at the beach.
“Don’t tease me, I might post it for real.” She answers. Tae Moo smiles at her.
“You better do.”