Work Text:
Just a normal day at the nine-nine. Holt was buzzkilling around. Amy was staring at her paperwork with her lovey-dovey eyes. Hitchcock and Scully were being weirdos. Y’know, the uzhe.
But something’s not normal, Jake noticed. Something’s…off. Something’s weird. Something’s unusual. No, wait, someone. He doesn’t know who it is, but he’ll get to the bottom of it.
Charles? Nope, he’s right next to him yapping about his food sex life in very graphic detail. Normal. Very sad for Jake, but normal.
Terry? Nah, he’s over there yelling at Hitchcock and Scully for whatever they did this time.
Captain Holt? Hmm, possibly. At this moment, he’s walking out of his office. He takes a few steps towards the fridge, in his robot-like way of walking. Could he possibly be going there to retrieve whatever he secretly stored in there? Possibly like his secret super duper… Oh, nope, he’s just getting an orange. Well, probably not, since other than that, he’s still acting like the grumpy grump he is. Moving on.
Hitchcock and Scully? Pffffftt, yeah right.
Huh, that’s everyone. Damn, so what could it be? He’s checked everyone out except Amy, who he knows isn’t acting weirdly ‘cause they live together and right now she’s all but making out with her paperwork. But, other than her, the only other ones are-
Wait.
Rosa and Gina!
Of course it’s them! He’s just starting to realize, it was so obvious! How could he be so stupid? Wait, isn’t he always stupid? Wait, no he isn’t! Shut up stupid voice in the very far back of his mind-
“Peralta?”
Jake jolted back in his chair, surprised by Holt’s standing in front of him with an orange in his hand. Ooh, jolt, Holt. That rhymes.
“Yes, Captain?”
“May you please elaborate on why you just yelled Gina and Detective Diaz’s names out loud?”
Uhhh, what?
“Uhhh, what did I yell out?”
His attention is brought to Terry, who is no longer focused on Hitchcock and Scully and now has his attention. “You just yelled out Gina and Rosa’s names, out of nowhere.”
Oopsies. Damnit. Maybe he can lie his way out of it?
“No I didn’t? You two are delusional.”
Amy sighed, due to her annoyance of being cockblocked from her paperwork. “Jake, yes you did. I just heard it.”
Charles decides to pipe in here. “I heard it too.”
Hitchcock does too. “I did too.”
Scully adds in “So did I.”
0-0 One minute ago 0-0
“And then the Belgian chocolate soufflé was gone! So we had to make do. We got the flan out and then we-
“Rosa and Gina!”
0-0 The present 0-0
“Okay, okay!” Damn it. So that didn’t work out. Maybe he should just tell them. “Fine. I’ll tell you.”
Jake takes a deep breath and leans forward, everyone’s eyes on him. “I think there’s something up with Gina and Rosa.”
Silence. Nobody speaks.
Everyone is still looking at him.
Captain Holt’s look is quite expectant. “Well, go on.”
“What? No, that’s it.”
“What do you mean, that’s it?”
“I mean that that’s it.”
“You’re not going to specify why you think there is something up with Gina and Rosa?”
“Well, I would’ve if you had asked why I think there’s something up with Gina and Rosa.”
“If you’re going to tell us you think something, you should always include the details of why you think that. Much like if you tell us there is something up with Gina and Rosa you should give us the reasons as to why you think there is-”
Terry interrupted the argument between them with a sigh. “Jake, why do you think there’s something up with Gina and Rosa?”
“Oh, thank you Terry. For asking.” He shoots Captain Holt a pointed glare, to which he rolls his eyes in response. Oh well. He’s probably just embarrassed that he was totally in the wrong.
“Well, my fellow workers. Let’s start with one Regina Gold-Star Linetti.” Jake points to the woman in question, while everyone turns to face her. “Gina, now, appears to be sipping a coffee and doing something on her computer, which is certainly not her work. I know that because… Well, she’s Gina. Anyway, she’s completely oblivious to the fact that every eye in this room is on her.”
Jake puts his hand down, drawing everyone's attention back to him.
“Do you all remember the last time everyone in the room was staring at Gina?”
0-0 Last time everyone in the room was staring at Gina. 0-0
“So, now that I’ve caught your attention, I would like to introduce you to my new dance. The Gina Groove.” Gina pressed a few keys on her keyboard. Suddenly, the lights started to dim and be replaced by disco lights. “Prepare to have your minds blown away. You will not forget this for a long time.”
0-0 The present 0-0
“She was right about not forgetting that dance for a long time.” Terry shuddered. “Terry still can’t look at a paintbrush without blushing.”
“And the spaghetti .” Charles made a face of disgust. “She didn’t even cook it properly! Gina the attention hog thinks she’s so great when she can’t even prepare a simple dish such as pasta.”
“Exactly my point! Well, not the spaghetti part, I actually kinda liked that bit.” Jake quickly moved on to the next part before Charles could start an argument with him. “Gina is an attention hog. The slightest bit of attention comes her way? She’ll take it! I mean, she literally had her middle name changed to Gold-Star! If she would choose between us and having attention, she would choose the attention!” He’s rambling now, as he shares his thoughts on Gina egotism.
“She could be indulging in something very interesting. Like, a live chess match.” Captain Holt chimed in. “It isn’t uncommon for anyone to act unusually once in a while.”
“Aha! And that’s where the problem lies.” Jake now pointed his finger at Holt. “If it were just one in a while , it would be fine. But it is not just one in a while. For example… Amy’s game night!”
0-0 Amy’s game night 0-0
Gina paid attention and participated.
0-0 The present 0-0
“Boyle’s great grandpa’s funeral!”
0-0 Boyle’s great grandpa’s funeral 0-0
Gina did not make one snarky comment.
0-0 The present 0-0
“Ava’s birthday party!”
0-0 Ava’s birthday party 0-0
Gina brought a present, wished Ava a happy birthday, and didn’t even try to steal the spotlight once.
0-0 The present 0-0
“She even listened to me talk about my new binder!” Amy smiled fondly at the memory. “Well, she did make a vomit noise, but only four times!”
“Well Peralta, you have managed to gather some solid evidence.” Holt admitted. Wow, was that the teeniest tiniest look of approval on his face- “But I have yet to hear your reasoning for Detective Diaz.” …Oh, right, Rosa.
“Right, well…” He got out of his chair. “Rosa Diaz, as you all know, is a mean and cruel Detective”
He received several mumbles in agreement.
“Well, let’s take a trip down memory lane.” Jake stood up and looked around the room in a very Detective-like way. “Recently, you may have noticed, Miss Diaz has softened up quite a bit. As you may be wanting examples, cause you didn’t notice cause you’re not as good a detective as me, let me take you back to…” He turns around quickly for dramatic effect. “ The bus trip with the crying child.”
0-0 The bus trip with the crying child 0-0
“Hey kiddo, don’t be sad.” Rosa smiled at the child. “Everything’s okay.”
0-0 The present 0-0
“And the time that officer ate her lunch!”
0-0 The time that officer ate her lunch 0-0
“It’s fine. Just check who’s name is on the box next time.” Rosa sighed as she grabbed what was remaining of her lunch and walked away.
0-0 The present 0-0
The room gave more mumbles of agreement.
“And…” Jake did another dramatic turn for extra dramatic effect. “For the grand finale, ladies and gentlemen… This very morning!”
0-0 This very morning 0-0
“Oh, Jake. I brought you some donuts.” Rosa threw the box on his desk. “I was passing by that donut store you love, and I figured why not get you a treat for all the hard work you’ve been doing recently. Y’know, with the case. Anyways,” She gave him a warm smile. “Good job. Hope you have a good day.”
0-0 The present 0-0
The whole room started chattering away instantly. With mostly some No! ’s and a few ‘ He’s lying!’ with a tiny dash of ‘ Has she been possessed by aliens?’. Either way, Jake was-a correct-a.
“So ladies and gentlemen” He decided to drop a pen on the table. Just to get his point clearly across. “ I rest my case.”
The room let out a round of applause. Jake closed his eyes, soaking it all up.
“Well, Peralta.” Captain Holt stepped forward, seemingly impressed. “That was quite impressive. Very well. I shall speak to Diaz and Gina about their apparent peculiar behavior.”
“What! No! Captain, ” Jake whined. He was disappointed, he had given that whole dramatic speech thingy for nothing. “Don’t you wanna find out for ourselves?”
“Peralta, I assure you, it is not our personal business and I’m sure the source of this behavior can be found in a reasonable manner.”
“But what if it’s something super duper crazy, like aliens or the mafia or whatever, and then we all go ‘Aaahhhh, what the damn hell?’ ”
“Peralta, I’m sure this all has a reasonable and predictable explanation.”
“Rosa’s coming in - everybody act cool! ” Everyone jumped into place, doing police paperwork stuff, talking about police police, crime crime. Rosa walks right past all of them, straight to Gina. “Hey babe, ready for our date?”
Date? DATE???
Well, that certainly doesn’t sound reasonable or predictable!
“Why yes, my darling Rosa.” Gina got up from her desk and gave Rosa a small twirl. “Off to our majestic and romantic date where we will flaunt our magical love and couple powers in everyone else’s face.”
“Ah, that’s right.” Despite the fact that Gina’s shift had literally just started and she wasn’t on break, the two prepared to walk away to go to their fancy schmancy date apparently.
“Hey, Rosa, all these losers are staring at us. They’re clearly jealous of our outstanding chemistry and badass couple-ness.”
“Ha, losers.” Rosa laughed along, at everyone’s shock and confusion. “Come on, babe, don’t wanna be late.” And with that, Gina and Rosa left everyone wondering what the hell was that.
There was silence again, till Holt chimed in.
“What the damn hell?”