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Jeonghan stares at the creased envelope in his hand.
All supposedly white and elegant but now clad in ketchup stains and drenched in the smell of a month old kimchi, he wonders if Joshua was the one to choose the intricate design. It seems a lot like something he would pick. All the daisies and ribbons, the words carefully etched into the thick card paper inside.
You are invited to the wedding of Wonwoo and Jisoo.
Did he pick those too?
The cursive fonts, those golden accents that make it shine. It’s really pretty.
Well, at least he had a choice for the designs.
Much, much less significant than choosing his lifetime partner but hey.
Jeonghan had thrown the very envelope he was holding a couple weeks back, straight into the shabby trash can he had at the corner of his cramped kitchen. He didn't even read what was inside—he didn’t have to—one look at the grand appearance and it came crumpling between his fist.
He decided then that he wasn’t stupid enough to attend.
That was then. Now he realizes he is stupid enough.
One text from Joshua saying that he was looking forward to seeing him and a freaking smiley face at the end and here he is. Scrambling to look for his father’s old suit last minute and borrowing a pair of formal loafers from his highschool best friend, Seungcheol.
Jeonghan didn’t even have the time to style his unkempt long hair, or wear some cosmetics to cover the bags under his eyes. He looked tired at best, and he is. He’s exhausted.
Everything’s just a lot to take in.
From the subtle break-up and now this.
Literally watching the love of his life getting wedded to some rich old man’s son as a way to get their money’s worth for raising them. Everything’s business to them, it’s unreal.
Jeonghan finally enters the venue after a while of just standing outside, rethinking his rash decisions of even coming here. With heavy steps and a much heavier heart, he steps in. As expected, the place is massive, packed with people Jeonghan doesn't even know the name of.
Much like the invitation card’s theme, the whole place is decorated in beautiful white flowers, accompanied by accents of the color gold. A calm ambient, classical music playing somewhere makes its way to his eardrums and the powerful floral smell hitting his nostrils.
It was suffocating.
No, not the flowers, nor the music.
Just… the whole purpose.
“Jeonghan!” He hears a voice to his right, he turns to see Junhui waving a hand above his head. He looks just as charming in a classic black tux, a combed back hairstyle to seal the whole look. Jeonghan makes his way over to sit beside him on the far end of a pew. “You made it.”
It was Joshua’s friend from college, Joshua had introduced them to each other once on a hang-out and they’ve been friends ever since. One time Junhui even caught them making-out on the couch of Joshua’s apartment, it was a spontaneous visit of his that prompted them to tell him everything.
And by everything, he means their relationship.
Well, a temporary relationship.
“Did it start yet?”
“Just about,” Junhui says. “How’s your sister?”
Jeonghan almost twists his face in confusion but halts when he remembers the lie he had told Junhui prior as an excuse. “Oh, she’s… more stable now.”
Junhui knows a lot.
“That’s good.” He shoves at Jeonghan’s arm, leaning in to mutter under his breath. “I was starting to think that whole fling thing you guys did took a toll on you for real.”
Well, maybe except that.
“Me? You serious? Just say you wanna be on my queue so bad.” Jeonghan lies through a smug smirk that makes Junhui laugh, just adding to the pile he had going on. The younger doesn't catch how his bright smile falters at the corners though. Fake it till you make it, they say. This’ll be the last time anyways.
Unlike what weddings really are;
To Jeonghan it was like a final conclusion to seal the end of a deal.
The end of what they had.
Jeonghan doesn’t even understand a single word the host is saying, it just enters one ear and out the other. Too mentally occupied to pay attention.
“They’re coming.”
Jeonghan snaps out of his trance and before he could ask what Junhui meant by that, a different music starts playing. A classic for an occasion like this: Mendelssohn’s Wedding March.
If he was in any other situation, he would have found the music enticing. It was iconic and definitely one that’ll feel like you’re reliving the moment every time you’ll hear it. But right now all it was to his ears is nothing but a song for a death march.
An end, like he said.
Now he can’t help but wonder what theirs would have been.
Something Joshua would like, he thinks.
There are people slowly marching down the aisle, the music accompanying them along and after a few more, everything slows down like Jeonghan was suddenly placed in a movie.
Joshua looks… beautiful.
The sounds of applause and music muffled like he was deep underwater, Jeonghan couldn’t hear anything but the loud beating of his heart.
Each thump reminds him how much the person before him means to him.
“Can you be my boyfriend?”
Jeonghan snickers like it was a joke, only to shut his mouth when Joshua stays stoic. “Wait, you’re serious? We kissed once, we were drunk—”
“Do you like someone?”
“What? No, I just—”
“Then be my boyfriend for a few months.” Joshua slowly leans closer, tenderly cupping Jeonghan’s cheek in his palm to place a faint kiss on the corner of his mouth. He was so… enchanting, Jeonghan couldn’t think straight. “At least I could say I experienced a love that I chose.”
And each thump reminds him that he’ll be losing that very person to someone else.
“They look good.” Junhui mumbles beside Jeonghan, both their eyes trailing the couple walking arm in arm down the aisle.
“And happy.” Jeonghan adds in a whisper, watching the corners of their mouth reach their eyes.
Junhui seems to have heard it when he scoffs. “Probably not.”
Jeonghan looks at him like he grew two heads and Junhui only raises a brow. “What? It’s true, well… I don’t know about Joshua but Wonwoo must still be thinking about Soonyoung bawling his eyes out at our apartment this morning.”
“What?”
“You know, Kwon Soonyoung, that roommate I told you about buying every tiger plushie he sees.”
“They were together?”
Junhui hushes him and looks around them, when he sees no one was really paying them any attention he leans close to Jeonghan. “Yeah, it wasn’t really a secret before but don’t go around telling everyone. I’m glad you and Josh didn’t have to go through all that though.”
“What’s this?”
Jeonghan stares at the envelope in his hand.
All white and elegant, he didn’t need to open it to know what it said. He didn’t need to ask Joshua to know what this meant.
“My wedding invitation.”
Jeonghan takes in a deep shaky breath, trying to process the sudden information. I mean, it was to be expected but they were just watching a movie yesterday night, all cuddled in one blanket that ends in a handsy making-out session. Where did all that go?
The least Joshua could do was give him a heads up.
“You didn’t forget about it, did you?”
“Of course, I just…” Jeonghan looked away, a certain lump seemingly forming at the back of his throat, he couldn’t speak.
“Thank you, hannie… for everything. I’ll miss our time together.” He feels Joshua grab his hand, caressing the back of it with his thumb. He still couldn’t look at the younger.
“Han.” Joshua tries.
Nothing, no response.
“Jeonghan.” Joshua tries again. “I’m sorry.”
Jeonghan comes back to his senses and pulls his hand away. “Hm? What were you saying? Sorry I just… didn’t get enough sleep.”
Joshua stares down at Jeonghan’s hands, the look on his face says he was hurt by the small gesture but Jeonghan doesn’t notice, mind too fuzzled to be fully conscious about what mattered and what didn’t.
“I guess we can consider this our break-up?” Jeonghan laughs, though it doesn’t sound like how it usually would.
“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” Joshua remains serious, like he always is, so certain and confident. Jeonghan loved that about him.
“I… I mean, thank you for spending your time with me, Shua.”
“And?”
“I’ll always be here if you need anything.”
“Anything else?”
Jeonghan cocks a brow, getting confused now. “Uhh, congrats?”
“Say it.”
Jeonghan tilts his head. “What?”
“Just say it.”
“What do you want me to say?”
Joshua sighs, slapping his cheek lightly like it wasn’t like him to say those things. “Never mind. I have to go.”
It was supposed to be casual and fun, and a no-strings attached kind of deal. Jeonghan knew what he was signing up for. Joshua told him. Joshua said it’ll be his escape, that Jeonghan was his escape. At least for a couple months before his life will be set in stone this very day.
How his ruthless father had set him up with his friend’s son.
And while they screwed around aimlessly, laughing at 3am in the morning and kissing ‘till dawn, getting blinded by the freedom they had at the moment, the preparations for the wedding were under way.
But.
Joshua chose him.
Him.
Theirs was the love that Joshua chose.
Not anyone else’s.
Theirs.
“Wonwoo and Joshua have invited us to share in this celebration as they affirm their love before us, pledge their faith to one another, and enter into the joys and privileges of marriage. Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony—” Jeonghan swallows, “—speak now or forever hold your peace. ”
There’s the silence.
His last chance.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
It felt like the time froze, and the words of the priest repeated itself in his head like a broken record. Jeonghan thinks back to the moments he had with Joshua, all the times they went on a spontaneous date. The hang outs that they have at an ungodly hour, where it was just them and silly conversations. Just them and the moon awake. Just Jeonghan and Joshua.
And then he thinks back to the time they’d broken up, an accepting one, a knowing one. Just a simple ‘this is it’ and Jeonghan’s life seemed to crumble down. He realizes now that he will never be able to live his life in peace, knowing that he had let someone he loves go, just like that. Without even a fight.
‘Cause if you really look into it.
Jeonghan’s got nothing to lose.
So despite the tremble of his hands, the sweat of his palms and the loud thumping of his heart. He stands up from his seat and utters the next words with greatest certainty.
“Joshua, I love you.”
Gasps echoed throughout the venue, horrid looks thrown his way but Jeonghan couldn’t care less. All his eyes could really focus on was Joshua’s eyes staring at his, wide and shocked.
“I love you so, so much. And I… I wanna be with you.”
Tears started streaming down his cheeks, this was his last chance. And really the only chance he took that he knows he’ll never regret. Ever.
“You feel the same way, right?”
Jeonghan begged with his eyes, begged Joshua to say yes, begged him to be with him. And as Joshua stared into his orbs, every long silent second passing by, he couldn’t help but feel nervous.
Joshua chose him.
Right?
“Shua, please tell me you feel the same way.”
“I do.”