Chapter Text
What does it take to be sane? Does it take giving everything up just to get that freedom everyone desires? Should it take losing someone who has always been there for you to feel free? To feel like yourself again?
All it took was five wall punches for Jaemin’s knuckles to bleed.
‘Ah, finally. Pain,’ he thought.
He went on and on until he decided to bang his head instead because his hand was just not enough to feel more pain he felt he deserved. And, just in time, as he did, he heard someone entering the pin to their main door. As soon as he heard it swing open and shut close, he then rushed to his bedroom door and slammed it shut.
‘He can’t see me like this, not again,’ he thinks to himself as he leans his back on the door and slides down to sit on the floor. Soon after, he heard rushing footsteps, and light, but yet full knocking on his door.
“Jaemin, are you okay? It’s me. Hey, bud. I’m home. Talk to me.. please.”
Jeno.
That was when Jaemin felt everything all at once. It all came rushing to him; the pain from his crushed knuckles, the bleeding cut from his head, the open scratches he made on his arms, and his heart aching from keeping everything in, from trying to stay sane and composed as he could.
Believe me, he tried his best.
He gave his all to save himself from inflicting pain on himself.. until he couldn’t anymore.
He felt a light push from the other side of the door and a soft thud on the floor. They were back to back with only the wooden door separating them. Jaemin bit his lips to stop himself from making any sound as he cried and poured his whole body out.
The emotions were too much. The pain was too much for him and it didn’t come from his hand nor his head. It came from somewhere in him, within, that he couldn’t just take out and treat. He felt it in his entire body, but he didn’t feel it in his skin. He’d rather have the pain inflicted physically than something like this, that’s why he did what he had to do with his hands and head. Inflicting pain on himself was way better. Channeling the inner pain externally, bleeding and wounding, was always better. It always did the trick, slowly overpowering the pain in his heart and his mind. It’s the only way he knows.. the only way that works.
He has always felt helpless like he has no choice, but to crush his hands or cut through his skin. He tries his best not to, but it always feels like he couldn’t, like he shouldn’t stop himself from doing it. It was his distraction from the loud voices in his head and the overpowering emotions in his heart. But you see, that was the problem. It was only a distraction. It was never the permanent or even the long-term solution.
What he felt deep within never left. It never leaves his system. No matter how long, hard, or deep he inflicted pain on himself, as soon as he stops whatever he does for him to bruise and bleed, the darkness that fills his system comes rushing back, even stronger and darker at most times that he almost drowns in it.
No. On second thought, he already drowns in it. And each time he takes that last breath of farewell, someone pulls him up to give him new breaths of life. And, here he is, again. Just as he is about to walk deep into the ocean, his person comes right in time to pull him back to the shore to dry him up and hug the coldness away.
It was always like that.
Jeno’s timing is always perfect to save Jaemin from the darkness that swallows him. Always.
But no matter how many times he gets saved, he comes back to this. Jaemin comes back to being like this. He hugged his knees and buried his face in them. He hugged them tightly trying to suppress another strike of pain he wanted to inflict on himself. He didn’t want to do it now that his buddy is here, crying too and waiting for him on the other side of his door. He can’t and won’t do anything he did a few minutes ago, so he tried his best to keep his thumb in his tight fist, grabbing his pajamas tightly.
‘No, Jaemin. No. Please, no. Don’t do this to Jeno. Hold it back. You can do it. You can —’
“Is it dark again? Did it get so dark again, bub?” Jeno asked with much concern and gentleness as he did not want to trigger the younger more. “Talk to me. You can tell me everything.. like always. I’m here now. Let’s get through it together, bub.”
Jeno is his best friend, one that he has been living with in the past two years, and he knows everything about Jaemin and his attacks. He sure knows everything about it that he makes sure he knows every remedy, every right word to say, and every action he should do when things like these start, eventually happen, and burst. He studied every bit of it as he watched and observed Jaemin in all his glory and highs, with all the depths of his darkness and lows.
Jeno knew it all and it was him, and only him, who could handle Jaemin. Only he was so kind to take him in, care for him, and give him a family that only the two of them belonged to.
It was only Jeno who loved Jaemin for everything that he was, is, and ever will be.
Everything.
And though Jeno could not see it, Jaemin responded with small nods that the other felt by the movement of the door. He let out a silent sigh that he made sure was not heard by the other. As soon as he got up his bed this morning, he knew what day it was and he had been preparing something for this very day. He did anticipate that Jaemin may be like this. That's why, he did his best to come home earlier than usual, but he was late. Jaemin had already done what he did to himself. He was late.. again.
“Jaem.. Bub. Can you open the door for me? Let’s get through it together like always. Please?”
And there he goes again, offering to lift his boulders with him. There goes Jeno again, reassuring him that he never had to fight his battles alone. Who was Jaemin to decline? He had promised Jeno countless times that he would always ask for help and not carry all his burdens alone, because Jeno is there to carry it all with him. Now is another moment to fulfill that promise, his promise to his best friend.
He lifted his head, wiped his tears away, and stood up while wiping his fingers on his pajamas. After trying his best to stay as calm as he could like nothing happened so as not to worry his best friend, he opened the door and an assuring and comforting eye smile was what met his own. He tried his best to force a smile, and Jeno knew it was for him. He knew Jaemin was trying it for him. With that, he then stretched his arms, inviting Jaemin in.
“Recharge from your favorite samoyed?" he asked, and without hesitations, Jaemin let himself drown in Jeno’s warm and comforting embrace; an embrace that filled him with love that he couldn’t give himself. Jeno hugged him tight, yet, it was not suffocating. He caressed the younger’s hair as light as he tried his best to examine his room that was visible with the door left slightly open, and he could see the messed up bed and shattered glass on the floor. Instead of sighing, he only brought the younger closer to him, hugging him tighter.
When Jaemin felt the sting of his wounds, he lightly detached from his best friend and looked at him with a small smile like nothing happened.
“Have you eaten? I— I can cook steak now, if you’re hungry. I defrosted it before you came.. only if you want it,” he said as he tried his best to cover his knuckles by putting his hands together anxiously, palms facing the older, lightly fiddling with his fingers
Jeno gave him a tight smile before he proceeded to get the younger’s hands with much care and gentleness, and looked at them before his eyes met his.
“I’ll do it. I’ll cook it in our oven instead so we can treat these while it cooks. Will that be okay, bub?”
Jaemin was shy because here he was again, facing Jeno with cuts and blood while the older just smiled as if he was all okay and calm about it. He knows how much Jeno was treating him like a fragile object that he does not want to break, or rather, break more. He felt ashamed that he’s failed once again to hide his vulnerability, but the older always made him feel otherwise. He always countered his feelings like these with sweet smiles and comforting eyes, and even being this weak in front of the older, Jeno always tells him that he is the strongest soldier because no matter how many times he drowns and gets shot at, he gets back up and tries his best to stay alive.
After Jeno sat Jaemin on their couch, he went to preheat the oven and prepare the meat the younger had defrosted. A few minutes later, Jaemin watched as he closed the oven as he set the steak in. The older went to his own room and got his first aid kit, or rather, his Jaemin kit.
On his way to him, Jeno also grabbed the tall glass of water he prepared earlier and picked-up the stuff he brought home that he left on the floor earlier. He then put the things on their coffee table and kneeled on the floor, sat on his heels, and faced the younger. He first took the glass and made sure Jaemin drank it slowly, then he grabbed the kit, opened it and took the povidone iodine, swabs, ointment, and bandages, and placed it on the mini medical tray they have. It was awfully quiet and Jaemin knew Jeno was being very careful around him, so he broke the silence between them.
“What did you bring home? What’s this?” he said as he put the glass down and reached for the brown bag on the coffee table that Jeno had placed there.
The older only smiled at the knuckles he was treating and left Jaemin to open whatever it was in the bag. The brown bag was big and it was obvious that whatever was inside it was not boxed. It made Jaemin even more curious because what could be that big and soft that Jeno would bring home, thinking how inconvenient it must have been for him to carry and commute with it around before he went home.
Impatient, Jaemin put it on the floor and used his free hand to open and grab what was inside. He could feel fur and the bottom was a little solid. He took it out and was shocked to see what it was.
“A dog bed? For who— Wait.” Jeno could hear the building excitement in Jaemin’s voice and that was exactly what he was going for. “Oh, God. Jeno, are we.. is this.. a-are we getting a dog?” Jaemin said with his eyebrows furrowed, but with a beautiful smile painted on his face. As he did his best to catch Jeno’s eyes, the older had no choice but to look at his, and gave him a knowing look that instantly brightened Jaemin’s eyes, providing him the answer that made him overjoyed.
Jaemin had been wanting a dog since he was young, but his parents always turned him down as part of how they neglected him as he grew. He wasn’t an only child. He was not alone. Jaemin had an older brother to whom he always depended on. His brother was his most favorite person in the world and was his shield from the piercing arrows shot to him by the world. But just as he thought he never had to fight his battles alone, his older brother left home and never contacted them ever again because of how their parents treated them badly. He remembers being very close to his brother, but what sticks to him more was how his brother left him all alone in their house.
Yes. House. House, because to Jaemin and to his brother, it was never a home. But even with that, even when he knew what his parents could tell him or do to him, he always gathered the courage to ask his parents for a dog because he, at least, wanted to have company. He wanted to at least have something he could talk to and pour his heart to so he wouldn’t have to keep it all to himself, but his parents always called him names for his polite request and with that, he never tried again. Never did he try getting a dog because whatever his parents called him got to him, making him think that he was irresponsible and useless, even if he knew and wanted to believe that he wasn’t, that he isn’t.
One of the main reasons why he was able to strike a conversation with Jeno the first time they met was because he confidently complimented the older about how much he looks like a samoyed. It sort of brought him back to his younger self that always wanted a dog, so even if they were still just strangers then, he unconsciously mentioned his want for one. Feeling that he had already overshared, he abruptly stopped and non-stop apologies came out from him, but the older showed his assuring eye smile and made him continue because he, too, was immersed in the younger’s stories. That was then when Jaemin realized Jeno was different, that maybe he is the totality of everything he didn’t have in his life, that he was definitely that one person he knows will stay with him for as long as life permits them.
Jeno caressed Jaemin’s treated hand as he smiled at him gently. “I could finally afford and get you a dog, bub, so I did. I could finally give little Jaemin what he always wanted.” Jaemin couldn’t help but cry again but this time, it was pure happiness. He kneeled on the floor, too and hugged Jeno tightly as he snuggled on his neck.
“Please tell me little Jaemin and my Jaemin now is happy?”
The younger responded with non-stop nods with some sniffling that he felt on his neck and made him giggle and caress Jaemin’s back more. “Little and big Jaemin is happy. So happy. Thank you, Jeno. You have no idea how full my heart feels right now.”
Jeno, too, was so happy to hear that. He would always hear Jaemin cry out how empty and hollow he felt, but this time, it was different. Jaemin’s heart was full and it was all because of him. He made it happen. He finally did it.
“Now, let’s finish you up, then we’ll go eat, clean up, and get ready to sleep. You still have a bedtime story to share with me,” Jeno said as he gently made the younger sit back on the couch, moved away the stray hair that his cheeks caught from the unending tears, got his untreated hand so they could quickly finish up and treat his other wounds and scratches before doing whatever he had said.
After dressing Jaemin’s wounds, Jeno quickly prepared their dinner and once they were done, he stood first and gathered their plates and utensils to bring to the sink. “Let me do the dishes so you can clean yourself up and get ready for bed. Make sure you don’t get the ointments and bandages wet. I’ll be right behind you. This will be quick, hmm?” Jaemin then quickly agreed and proceeded to follow what Jeno told him to do.
He quickly fixed his room. He cleaned up his mess and made sure he wouldn’t hurt himself again from the shards of glass that were scattered on the floor. When he was done, he went to his comfort room to wash up. He slowly walked closer to his bathroom mirror to examine his face. He looked and lightly grazed the bandage Jeno put on his forehead. He moved his fingers down to his tired eyes and faced side to side to see his now more embossed cheekbones. He sure has already gained more cheek fat, but it still wasn’t enough to fill his face. He looked tired and done, but his eyes hinted happiness. It was a sight for him to see. It was probably from the joy of Jeno’s gift to him, and no matter what it was or the reason is for his eyes to reflect this unfamiliar emotion, he didn’t mind. It didn’t matter, because what’s important is he’s happy or at least, he’s had a taste of it and it was always Jeno who gave him that. It was always Jeno who gave him the sweet taste of happiness.
When Jeno was done with the kitchen and had completely washed himself up too, he went to Jaemin’s room right away. The door was open, yet he still knocked to make his presence known to the other. However, after not hearing any response, he went straight in and Jeno panicked a little when he couldn’t find him at first sight, but he immediately found Jaemin kneeling by the side of the bed, facing his open bedside drawer, holding a picture frame. Jeno immediately knew what it was. It’s always been that very picture frame that Jaemin holds after a heavy attack, especially today.
“Bub..”
“Sometimes.. No. Always,” Jaemin started. “I always wonder why God didn’t take me instead. Why did it have to be them? Why not me?”
Jeno came closer and kneeled facing him. “I was always the useless one, Jen. I am the one who had nothing to give to the world, a waste of space and air here, and yet, God decided to take them from me at that very moment when my brother decided to come home. Does God hate me so much to make me suffer like this? To keep me alive?”
The older took the frame from his hands and put it back in the bedside drawer. He helped Jaemin up to sit on the bed and wiped his tears as he kindly smiled at him while he kneeled in front of him. He got both Jaemin’s hands gently, looked at them while he touched his bandaged knuckles and kissed them both before he caught his glistening eyes from the tears that continued to shed.
“Bub. I met you when you lost them. I’m not at all happy for what happened to your parents, but that led me to you. Maybe your brother led you to meet me, too,” Jeno softly said, trying his best not to trigger anything within Jaemin. “You lost the family you were born with, yet, God gave you another family to start with, one with me in it and soon, with our furball.”
Jaemin was trying to take everything that Jeno was saying because he’s always been grateful for him. Maybe, that night when they met, if they didn’t, he’d jump off that bridge where they crossed paths.
He pulled Jeno up, and fixed himself to lie down on the bed as he covered his body with the comforter. He then tapped the empty space on his right, and Jeno got what Jaemin wanted him to do. He walked to the other side of the bed, slid himself under the comforter as well and moved closer to the younger. He extended his left arm, lifted Jaemin’s head lightly and rested it close to his chest. And as if it’s Jaemin’s automatic response to this, unknowingly his muscle memory, he snuggles closer to the older and fits his face on his neck like it’s the most perfect fit, like the final piece of a puzzle finding its place right in the center of everything.
Jeno kisses Jaemin’s left temple as he gives the younger’s back light pats in his attempt to distract him from his thoughts and allow him to sleep peacefully. He, too, closed his eyes as he waited for the other to fall asleep, but Jaemin broke the silence that enveloped them.
“Jen?”
“Hm?”
“Can you.. tell me something good?”
Jeno then opened his eyes and faced the other who was already looking up at him. He put his right hand on the younger’s cheek and Jaemin closed his eyes as he felt the warmth of the older’s palm. Jeno moved closer and kissed his forehead lovingly.
“You.”
“Hm?”
“You are my something good, Jaemin,” Jeno said. “You are my something good everyday.”
Jaemin lightly pushed the older’s chest and stared deep into his eyes. Jeno only looked at him, convincing him that it was the truth. That in his entire life, Jaemin is the only good he has ever had. He will always be that something good he’d go run around shouting and telling everybody. But Jeno was confused with what the younger did after. Jaemin stood up and started walking back and forth by the foot of his own bed as he started pulling his hair.
“Jaemin, what’s wrong?” Jeno said as he hurriedly got out of bed, too. He was worried that whatever he said may have triggered something in Jaemin that’s why he was acting the way he is.
“Bub, I’m sorr—”
“I can’t be something good, Jeno. That’s impossible. I’ve ruined my family. I’ve ruined your life enough and here you are, telling me I’m your something good? No. It can’t be. I’m unlovable. I can’t be loved. I—”
Jeno enveloped him in a hug. He could’ve kissed him to stop him from continuing his sentence, but this would do. He would never kiss Jaemin without his consent and definitely not to shock or overwhelm him so, instead, he hugged him and lightly pulled Jaemin’s head to rest well on his shoulder.
“Jeno..”
“Just for a while, Jaemin. Let’s stay like this.”
And so, they did. Jaemin wrapped his arms around Jeno and with a long sigh, he snuggled back into Jeno’s neck as they stood quietly there. A minute turned into two, then to five, and silently hugging each other in their own world, little did they know that they had been there for a good ten. When both their legs felt it, it was Jaemin who detached himself from the other, keeping his hands clasped together around Jeno’s waist.
“Jeno..”
“Let me keep loving you, Jaemin. Just give me a chance. Please? I’ll love you until being loved becomes your something good, too,” Jeno softly told him as he moved away the stray strands of hair that covered Jaemin’s beautiful eyes.
“Jeno, I can’t..”
Jeno put his hands on both Jaemin’s cheeks, gave him his sweet eye smile, and proceeded to kiss the back of his hands, as if he was kissing the other’s cheeks.
“Love.. love is tricky. But, to me, it’s easy.. because love means you,” he started as he caressed Jaemin’s cheeks. “What matters to me is that the man I chose to love is you and, with that, you don’t have to love me back.”
Jaemin slowly closed his eyes and looked down, but the older was quick to lift his head back up. He swiftly, but lightly, sweeped away with both his thumbs on either side the tears that streamed down the younger’s cheeks.
“Just let me, bub.. Please. And, if it ever just becomes too much, tell me. Tell me if it does not work out for you, if instead of it becoming your something good, it becomes what breaks you more,” he said as he tried his best to catch Jaemin’s eyes that avoided his.
“Let me stay until you want me to, and I will until I know you want me to. Hmm, bub? Don’t shut your doors at me, because I’ll always keep my foot by the door to keep it open and never leave you alone in the dark.” And so, Jaemin let him. If it was what his person wanted, if it made his best friend feel better, who was he to say no and hinder that?
“It’s getting late. For now, let’s have you rest, hmm? We have all the time in the world. We can just talk about this some other time. Your body needs to recover from everything that happened today. You need your rest,” Jeno told him as he guided the other to his side of the bed and covered him with the comforter. He gave him a light kiss on his forehead as he gave him gentle pats on the head. “Good night, bub. I’ll be in my room when you need me, okay?”
Confused with what Jeno had said, Jaemin was quick to grab his wrist as the older turned his back to walk out the door.
“You’re not.. staying?” he asked. Jeno was already lying down beside him before his mini episode, so he thought that Jeno was going to lie with him again but the older gave him a tight smile before he answered.
“Do you.. want me to? Should I stay, bub?”
Jaemin knew these were questions for two things. It had double meanings. He’s not that dense to sense that, but either way, he had the same answer and it will always be his answer.
“Yes.. please. Stay with me, Jen,” he said. “Stay until we fall asleep. Stay until the sun rises. Just please.. stay. Stay as long as you want to.. by my side.”
A small smile escaped Jeno’s lips and he nodded with his eyes closed as a response to the younger. “I told you. I’ll stay until you want me to.” He then went to the other side of the bed and with anticipation, Jaemin helped him slide under the comforter with him by lifting it for him so he could simply slide under it. Jeno invited him in his arms and the younger was quick to move close to him and find himself back in his neck, lightly sniffing and kissing it. It didn’t go unnoticed by Jeno and he has always felt endeared by it everytime it happens, so he kissed Jaemin’s left temple and continued the soft pats he was giving him earlier.
“Wake me up when you do, please? Don’t leave me to wake up all alone.”
“I won’t leave you, bub. I’ll always be here. We’ll get up together, I promise.”
And with Jeno’s assurance, Jaemin slowly drifted to sleep, assured and content.
“I love you, Jaemin.. I always have and I always will. Thank you for being the good in my life.”
Jeno’s soft pats on Jaemin’s lower back went slower, and slower, until it stopped. Just like the younger, he too, drifted to sleep, caging the love of his life in his arms, wishing they would always stay like this, hoping they could hold on to each other just like this, just being each other’s good in their lives.. forever .