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Jared sleeps with his knees tucked up, his head full of German, his voice more tense than it is when he speaks consciously to Richard. After the first night, the first attempt to find sleep elsewhere, Richard gives up and instead takes to watching Jared when his fits wake Richard. It sounds creepier when he admits that’s what he’s doing, which is why he keeps it to himself and doesn’t take it upon himself to confront Jared about whatever happens to him at night. That, and the fact that confrontation makes his stomach start to turn at a right angle.
A few days, a few nights go by, and it was on such a night that Richard had his head pillowed in his arms, watching Jared mouth uncomfortable looking words, headphones strapped tightly on to block out the scary language—even if he didn’t understand anything, listening in still felt like a massive invasion of privacy. Watching Jared sleep, his pale face a comforting beacon in the dark as it reflected moonlight, was something altogether different, of course.
He was just about to close his eyes, willing to let sleep overtake him, when movement from Jared’s cot startled him fully awake. Jared’s long arms were thrown out, stretching uncomfortably far, and his legs were thrashing too, though entangled in the blankets. Jared continued to thrash, and as Richard slipped off his headphones to gather the courage to call out, he also noticed that Jared’s sleep talking had stopped, and a soft keening noise was coming from low in his throat. Richard’s mind went white with fear—he had no idea how to comfort someone in whatever this state was, but he knew he had to try, this was Jared, Jared who—
In his daze Richard attempted to scramble towards the ladder and instead misplaced a knee. Suddenly, his leg, ass, and then entire body were tumbling over the edge of the loft. He barely felt it when he hit the ground, but if the darkness swirling at the edge of his vision was anything to go by, he had probably hit his head. He closed his eyes and was just about to go willingly into unconsciousness when he remembered Jared. He had to get to Jared...
“Richard?” Jared’s voice, quiet above him, instantly soothed the worrying thought that he was about to die on this floor. He opened his eyes to see Jared leaning over him, a look of concern brightening his eyes to an impossible blue (with probably a little help from the moonlight). Richard felt his face grow warm.
“Are you okay?” He asked Jared, remembering his concern, only to hear the question parroted back at him. They both shared a look of surprise.
“I am assuming from your position and the bump you took to the head that you fell out of your loft,” Jared explained, his tone clinical but still warm with concern. Richard had no idea how he held so much emotion in words like those. “The longer you go without answering me, the more I grow concerned that we have a concussion on our hands.”
Ah, and that was definitely a tinge of worry, maybe borderline panic, that he had only heard once before, in a desperate phone call and a request to get him off Peter Gregory’s island. He didn’t want Jared to feel like that ever again. He should probably answer now.
“I-I’m fine,” he started, looking down sheepishly. Now that the shock of the fall had worn off, he felt like a child who had begged for a bunk bed all their life experiencing the betrayal of falling off of one, in front of their parent no less. And when he looked back at Jared’s still concerned face and felt the heat rise again, he felt even more than embarrassed for just making that comparison, even if it was only in his head. “I was worried about you, and I guess I just… missed?”
“Missed?” Jared looked confused now, doing that puppy dog tilt with his head that drove Richard crazy in more ways than one, but Richard knew that word wasn’t the only thing he was confused about.
“The ladder,” he said anyway. Yes, Jared still looked confused, even after the clarification. Richard took a shaky breath. This man was actually confused about why Richard would be worried about him.
“But—why?”
“You were… you’ve been talking? I guess? In your sleep.” Richard took another breath and pushed on, avoiding Jared’s gaze. “And it’s not a problem! But then you looked like you were, I mean you started thrashing, and it scared me a bit, and I just wanted to help you calm down, um—”
Richard wasn’t sure if it was a trick of the lighting or what, but Jared actually had some color in his cheeks. Was he—was he blushing?
“Um, but then I, fell. As we established.”
“What would you have done?” Richard was thrown a bit by this question. Since this conversation had started, he’d expected a few quick apologies, and then Jared’s concern to kick in, and then his wounds to be nursed. He didn’t even know how to answer the question.
“I mean, I probably wouldn’t have been much help, um, at all… I’m pretty shit at comforting? I can’t do it, not like, not like you I mean, um.” And if he could see Jared’s coloring in this light, he was sure Jared could see the fire truck red Richard’s face had become. Could he force himself to pass out to avoid this conversation?
“But I wanted to help. I wanted to try something. I don’t want to think about you being in pain.”
He heard a slight gasp and lifted his head, meeting Jared’s watery gaze. “Sorry. If that’s weird, I mean.”
“Oh, Richard,” Jared said. Suddenly, he sobered, and started tugging at Richard’s arm. His hand was chilly against Richard’s flushed (and probably slightly damp) skin, and Richard almost jumped a foot in the air at the touch. “Sorry, this is probably not the time to be having this conversation, I’m not even sure if this isn’t just you with a concussion, or me still dreaming…”
Jared was rambling. Richard took it in stride. “I understand,” he said. “But just answer me… are you okay?”
Jared leaned in closer and Richard felt his breath hitch a little, would be embarrassed about the involuntary noise, so loud in the quiet of the room, if he wasn’t so entranced with the tilt of Jared’s lips, the way he bit the bottom one slightly as he stood with Richard in his arms, steadying the other man on his feet. Richard felt his knees wobble once and then they locked, and he wasn’t sure if the cause of that slip had been his earlier fall or the feeling of Jared’s arms around him. He laughed quietly at the train of thought, and then laughed out loud, because it really did sound ridiculous, even if it was probably the tiniest bit true. Jared looked at him briefly in concern, but then let out a few small giggles of his own when he realized this was not Richard playing out his concussion, but Richard genuinely happy.
Jared maneuvered them to the kitchen, Richard still a little shaky on his legs, which felt very bruised. As he sat on the kitchen island, watching Jared dig through the cupboards for a first aid kit, he catalogued the damage on his own. The bruised feeling in his legs was the worst of it, despite the dull throbbing of his head where it had hit the floor. There was no wound to treat though—the carpet was thick enough to provide at least a little padding, and with the awkward angle he had fallen in his body had hit the floor just before his head had. It could have been worse—or it could have been better, if he had had the physical competency to not fall off the bed at all.
Still, Jared fussed over the egg-sized bump on the back of his head, parting the sweat-matted curls with an ease Richard assumed only his mother had. He clucked over it but begrudgingly assured Richard there was nothing he could do for it except packaging some ice for the swelling in a soft washcloth, even after digging aggressively though the first aid kit for what Richard could only assume was a time machine that would allow Jared to go back and prevent the fall from even happening. Richard exhaled with laughter as he took the ice from Jared, their hands touching briefly and… lingering there? Richard pulled his hand away when he met Jared’s cool gaze, smiling in thanks once more as he pressed the ice to the back of his head.
“Richard, I don’t mean to alarm you,” oh god, Richard thought, are we going to break up before I can even ask him out? And then, more seriously: Oh god, did I just think about asking him out? “But I’d like to check your legs for any serious abrasions. There may be something you can’t feel that could potentially cause damage if left untreated.”
Oh, yeah, that was pretty alarming. Richard nodded dumbly. “Yeah, I don’t see a problem.”
“I foresee a slight one,” Jared’s cheeks were tinged red again, and Richard stared in awe. “Your pajama pants are rather… form-fitting, I should say? I think it would be rather difficult to roll them past your knees, and I’m sure the fall affected more than just your shins.”
Richard thought the statement over, looked down at his plaid-printed pajama bottoms, an ancient Christmas present from some distant relative who hadn’t gotten the size quite right for a growing teenage boy. They’d only grown smaller with time, but still fit comfortably enough to wear with company present. Richard usually slept in his boxers and a t-shirt, but with Jared staying in his room, he’d thought he’d go the extra mile and actually throw on pants for his guest. At least he still had his boxers on underneath, so theoretically, he could take them off if Jared really needed to get down there.
“I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable,” Jared said, and honestly, he was the one who looked uncomfortable, his face more colorful than Richard had ever seen it in the dim artificial light of the kitchen. Oh, how the turntables, Richard thought smugly, thinking back to his own embarrassment in the bedroom.
“It’s not a problem,” he reassured Jared, patting him on the shoulder. “I can take care of it myself, though? If you’d rather not—”
“No!” Jared held up his hands, ready to prevent Richard from leaving. Richard had already been sliding off the counter, sure that Erlich wouldn’t want him sitting on it anyway, but especially not in his underwear. He staggered a bit and fell into Jared’s outstretched arms, almost taking them both down if Jared’s tall, thin body wasn’t so much sturdier than it looked. So much for minimal embarrassment, Richard thought, as he felt his face burn hot as a flame. He grasped Jared’s shoulders and pulled himself up, looking at the ground to hide his mortification.
“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time. Slowly, Richard lifted his head and met Jared’s soft gaze, a wave of déjà vu hitting him. He cracked a smile, watched the grin on Jared’s face grow, and pretty soon they were both doubled over with laughter, stifling it with their hands so they wouldn’t wake everyone else in the incubator.
“Please,” Jared said when they were calm again. “Let me help you.” Richard took in his earnest look and smiled.
Jared led them both to the living room next, pushing Richard gently down on the couch and kneeling in front of him, flipping on a lamp. The bright light made Richard blink a little, his eyes having adjusted back to darkness in just the short walk from the kitchen, but when he focused back on Jared’s face in front of his he smiled blearily. Jared smiled back.
“I’d still like to check on your legs, Richard?”
“Oh, yeah, um…” Richard slunk further back into the couch and pushed down his pajama bottoms, thankful again he opted for boxer shorts instead of briefs—even if he did feel comfortable around Jared, he still wanted to expose as little of his pale, freckled skin as he possibly could.
Jared didn’t say anything as Richard slipped his feet through the legs of his pants, and even averted his gaze until Richard cleared his throat. He met Richard’s eyes with a shy, soft smile, and held his hands up as if for Richard to inspect them.
“I’ll have to poke and prod a bit,” he said, his voice a little off. Richard nodded, his mouth a little dry. He figured it might be open and snapped it shut, embarrassed to be caught gaping. “Let me know if anything feels off, or if I’m applying too much pressure.”
Jared started with Richard’s feet, running his hands lightly over the tops of them but not applying too much pressure. He must have figured that if Richard had been able to walk on them they were mostly fine, and a cursory glance could assure him that all of the toes were in place. It was at the ankles that he really started to apply pressure, turning each one carefully and pinching the softer areas. Richard winced a little at the awkwardness of having someone do this for him, but nothing hurt. When Jared looked up at him anxiously, he confirmed everything was fine with a nod and a smile.
They continued that way in silence, Jared working different areas of his legs and looking to Richard for confirmation. He hit on a few bruises near his knee, mostly on his left side, which had taken the brunt of the fall. In fact, it was Richard’s left thigh and hip area that was worrying him the most, as it hadn’t quite stopped throbbing. He told Jared as much when his hands traveled further upwards, past the knees.
Jared nodded and focused his attention on Richard’s left side, his cool hands pressing light touches to the sore area. Richard hissed once when he applied pressure to the bruise blossoming on the meat of his thigh, but it wasn’t as bad as he imagined. Jared’s hands traveled further, Jared inched closer, and then Jared was pressing a palm against Richard’s bare hip bone, his fingertips brushing lightly below the waistband of his boxers, and Richard almost jumped out of his skin. Jared pulled back suddenly.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologized, back to the normal flustered Jared. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Richard shook his head.
“Just… your hands are a little cold.” Jared seemed to brighten upon learning the mistake was one he could fix, and he began furiously rubbing his hands together, bringing them to his mouth to breathe warm air on them. Richard felt a little dizzy at the display.
Jared held out his hands for Richard to test, and Richard felt the tension ease out of the situation once more as he laughed and laid his hands on Jared’s, nodding his approval. Jared fucking beamed.
And honestly, he thought as Jared pressed a hand to his hip once more, he was not to be blamed for his next action, not when Jared had done all this for him and looked at him with that head tilt and those blue eyes and laughed with him in the kitchen at four in the morning and held hands with him just to check the temperature was right. He was not to be blamed because Jared had asked him to take off his pants so he could run his hands up and down Richard’s legs and sure there was a medical explanation behind it but it was all so much. Jared was pressing his hand against Richard’s hip and leaning forward to meet Richard’s gaze for the hundredth time that night and breathing out Better? and Richard’s head spun and his vision blurred and he leaned forward and kissed Jared right on those beautiful, beautiful lips.
The sharp intake of breath shocked him back into consciousness and he remembered where he was and who he was and that he had just kissed Jared, Jared who would never say no to him and who had done all this probably just to be nice and who spoke German in his sleep probably because of some deep dark trauma, and even if Richard’s heart swelled three times too big for his chest every time he saw the man didn’t mean that Jared felt the same.
He pulled away and nearly fell over himself in his rush to get away, forgetting about the pain in his hip before he turned too suddenly and went crashing to the floor again. Even in Jared’s no doubt blind rage over being taken advantage of, the other man was there to help him up off the ground and back to the couch, and Richard was nearly this close to bursting into tears. How could someone be this nice and beautiful and end up getting stuck with Richard? The universe was too cruel sometimes.
“Richard,” Jared started, and oh god Richard thought he felt something wet and hot on his cheeks. He quickly brought his hands to cover his face.
“Richard I need you to explain a few things to me, because being kissed and then having that person run away from you in the span of less than a minute is a very confusing thing to happen to a person.”
Damn it, Jared was cute and pragmatic even when he was probably figuring out the nicest way to resign from Pied Piper. Richard really didn’t know what he would do without him.
“I’m,” his stomach turned and he took a deep breath to steady himself. He could make it through a grown-up conversation without throwing up, he would prove it. “So here’s the thing: I guess I’m in love with you?” Jared’s sharp intake of breath was too much to handle, and he held up a hand. “Just let me ramble for a second. I think it started after TechCrunch, or maybe during, right when you hugged me just after I’d won an impossible contest, and you smelled like cinnamon or something and that was the only thing I could think of for two seconds when I’d just won the whole cup. But if I’m being honest, that was probably just the moment I knew I was gone for good.”
“Oh, Richard,” Jared said, and Richard blushed. “I’m not quite done yet. I loved you, but I would never do anything, because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and have you leave. It would destroy Pied Piper. It would destroy… well, me. And I still didn’t know just what your whole deal was, dating wise. I mean, ‘this guy fucks’? What does that even mean?”
He brought his gaze up to meet Jared’s and found the other man smiling wildly. It was borderline unnatural, but it was also the happiest Richard had ever seen Jared. It made him feel really good, and he felt the outline of a smile on his own face. Did this mean there was hope?
“Are you done?” Jared asked patiently.
“A-Almost. I mean, you moved into my room a few days ago, and we got that much more closer, and then I found out about your night terrors—oh, I should probably come clean—I’ve been watching you sleep? Though it sounded much less terrifying in my head than it does out loud, it’s just that even when you’re speaking crazy German and sleeping with your knees up, I feel safe with you in the room and I like knowing you’re there. Jesus Christ, I sound like a psycho. I’ll just say… I love you Jared, and after everything you’ve done for me, especially after I woke you up falling off my bed just to, what, attempt to get closer to you? I just really hope you don’t leave me—us—because I was dumb enough to act on something I should have kept hidden. I’m so sorry.”
Jared breathed in, breathed out. Richard watched him, unaware of how much time was passing. “Richard,” Jared started, and it was then that Richard nearly lost it. He felt his breathing tighten impossibly, and was just about the go over the edge into panic when Jared reached for his hands, steadying him.
“Richard, breathe with me, there we go,” Jared was speaking on the borders of Richard’s mind, he was always there, and Richard felt himself pulled back into the present. That’s right, he couldn’t run away now. He would always be brave for Jared. “Better?”
Better? Jared’s voice echoed back at him, just before Richard had leaned in for that kiss. He gulped loudly, too loudly for the room, and nodded, finally focusing on this Jared before him. “I’m alright.”
Jared smiled, so soft in the warm light—sunlight. Was it already daybreak? “I’m so glad. Richard, I’m so glad about all of this. I would have wanted it differently, I wouldn’t want to see you in pain, or nervous that your feelings weren’t returned, but I’m honestly elated that I got to be here with you tonight. And that we—that we kissed.” There was that blush again. Richard was enraptured.
“What are you saying?” He heard himself ask.
“I’m saying, Richard, that my whole ‘deal’ as you called it, has been, and always will be—you. I love you too, Richard. I wouldn’t dream of leaving Pied Piper, unless you asked me to, of course, or if for some reason you left as well. I’m here for you Richard. Don’t feel that you—took advantage of me? Just because I’ve been having some nightmares. Those will, unfortunately, come, but they will also go. This, Richard?” He was weaving their palms together, fingers interlocking tightly, and Richard was sure he was sweating far too much for this. “This will always remain.”
Richard didn’t even realize he was leaning forward until his head collided with Jared’s forehead. They pulled apart quickly, both echoing cries of surprise. “Oh. My. God.” Richard said. How much longer was the universe going to let him live when he just wanted to die of embarrassment already. He looked to Jared, ready for the other man to diffuse the tension with laughter as they had before, but instead Jared had a look of quiet intensity on his face.
“May we try that again, Richard? I would very much like to kiss you before the others get up for breakfast, though I’m sure that gives us a few hours.”
Richard’s brain fizzled out at the word ‘kiss’ but his peripheral nervous system must have taken over because suddenly he had his hands on Jared’s strong, angular jaw and was nearly in the other man’s lap, their lips pressed together as Jared reached his arms around Richard like he wanted to get closer, even closer, impossibly closer. Richard moaned and didn’t realize that caused his mouth to open until suddenly Jared’s tongue was in there and oh yeah, this guy fucks, he saw it now.
Jared pulled away all of a sudden. “Did you say earlier that you watched me while I slept?”
Richard groaned loudly. “I knew that would come back to haunt me. I swear to God—”
Jared laughed. “It’s… alright I guess? I apologize for the concern my night terrors gave you, and that you fell out of bed for me Richard, but I just want to ask again, because I'm curious—what would you have done for me?”
Richard thinks about it, thinks randomly about string theory, thinks about the multiple timelines extending from every action they take or don’t take. He thinks about what he would have done if he had climbed down the ladder like a normal person and not flung himself out of his bed like the usual klutz he is. He looks back at Jared, waiting eagerly for the answer, lips already flushed bright from their kiss, hair still mussed from sleep, beautiful, so beautiful, in the early light of day.
“I think,” Richard ponders. “I think I would have done this.”
Jared looks confused, momentarily, before Richard cups his jaw and pulls him back in for a kiss, soft and tender and so sweet. Yes, Richard thinks, reflecting on this new confidence gained in Jared’s presence, this is always how things were meant to be.