Archive of Our Own

one.

Standing out has never been foreign to Gina Porter.

She was the girl who stood way taller than everyone else in her class at the age of ten and no one ever let her forget it. She was gigantic. To everyone around her, she was freakish and long and it didn't help that her hair made her already tall stature appear even bigger.

It was a wonder that she survived those five months of torture where her mother drilled "Gina, people are gonna talk no matter what. You can let it affect you or you can give them something to really talk about," into her head. Barely looking up at her daughter as she slides the onions into her stew.

Gina moved shortly after her mother realized it wasn't just normal kid taunting. Wherever she landed from there on she made an impression. She knew what she wanted and she had a purpose. She was gonna leave a mark on herself everywhere she went, it's not like she would have time to dwell on it. Gina would be gone by the time the year came to a close.

East High is no different. Just a new city and a strange place where she has to remind herself to chew and spit people out before they get the chance to do it to her. Kinda cool that she gets to go to a school where they shot the biggest movie franchise ever. So, she takes Sharpay's entire vibe to heart and sticks with it.

Turns out teens in Utah are freakishly nice and calling the other girl gunning for Gabriella, a painfully basic choice, was definitely not the way to go. It was much more teasing in her head compared to what she actually said.

She's been in this horrid town for all of two seconds and enemies have already been sealed.

How she didn't get her invitation to this party—what was her name again? Oh, yeah, Ashlyn—was throwing snatched away is beyond her. It's still unclear what's more pathetic. The fact that she was still invited or the fact that she showed up. Definitely the latter.

Back pressed to a corner, Gina holds the red solo cup of Sprite to her lips. Her eyes skim over the dancing bodies and a small part of her pathetically tries to tune into a conversation so she doesn't feel so fucking alone.

Maybe, she should apologize. Yeah, Nini is like two steps away from her and avoiding all eye contact but maybe if she forces an apology to leave her lips, everything will be fine.

Gina pours herself another drink, sighing as she goes up the creaky stairs. She opens a random bedroom door in search of a bathroom. She opens up another to be met with the same fate.

"I just... I can't believe her. I'm finally coming into my own and some fucking stranger just up and tells everyone I'll be the vanilla choice for Gabriella. God, she's such a bitch," their footsteps pick up behind her.

"If only Ash weren't so nice. Just seeing her face pisses me off. She just walks around like she's better than everyone else,"

Gina slips into the small space out of view from the stairs. Nini's voice floats around in the air, surrounding her misery and practically choking her like poison. "She's gonna eat her words when you get the part anyway. I mean you have been kicking ass since you dropped Bowen... fuck, I forgot Sasha. Come with me to go get it," it's fine.

It's fine.

She's heard worse. Probably said worse once upon a time.

It doesn't hurt at all. Get it together Porter.

Clearing her throat, she crosses the small hallway space. She switches the hand holding the cup and pulls open the door. The light from the bathroom pours out into the hall as she slips inside without a second thought.

Gina closes it quickly behind her, leaning against the door like she suddenly learned how to breathe. "Damn. A guy can't even wallow in peace now?" She hears someone sniff. Jumping slightly, she has one hand on the door.

Gina finds herself looking down at someone very unfamiliar and familiar all at once.

His name is lost on her, but she's seen him around. Beat-up converses are tucked to his chest as he presses his knees to himself. His arms hold his head up and oh wait, he auditioned for the musical too.

Twenty minutes late to auditions might she add, but he was a decent guitar player and somewhat intriguing. It's not often she gets intrigued.

"Sorry, I just needed some... I'll just go,"

"I was kidding. Sorry, that was a lot funnier in my head. You can stay if you want, y'know pity yourself with a stranger in a bathroom or something.

"I look like I pity myself?" he's not wrong. Gina didn't know it was that obvious.

"I feel like I should stop talking," he chuckles lightly, the airy noise sounds nothing like a laugh more like a pained sigh as he wipes his eyes again. Briefly, her eyes flicker to the door, there's nothing for her out there. No friends, no bonds, no easy reputation that makes her friends and gets her those bonds she's always craved.

"Why didn't you just.." the lock clicks and she sinks to the ground, stretching her feet out in front of her.

"Got carried away, I guess," Flannel guy utters. The lighting is terrible. She can only see his brown eyes and the same brassy color in his hair, but for the most part, he's just a shadow. They fall into a comfortable silence, he stretches his legs out beside hers.

If you told Gina that her first official party in a town where her mom convinced her they weren't moving away would be spent in a bathroom while she listens to some kid breathe and tries to hold back her frustrations, she'd laugh.

That's exactly what she ends up doing. It's so fucking ridiculous and if she doesn't laugh she'll scream and if she screams in front of a stranger she'll just have to cry at that point. "I.. think.. we should talk.." she says, sucking in a sharp breath as she slaps her hand over her mouth to keep from giggling.

"About what?"

"About.." she takes the moment to cackle like he's not staring at her like she's crazy. Gina's eyes tear something smoother than the tears brimming at the surface that she's sure will never stop. "... about why we're both sitting on the bathroom floor... when there's a party happening downstairs."

"Well, I'm Ricky and my ex is out there and I think she hates me,"

"So you're hiding?"

"Pathetic, huh?"

"I am sitting in this bathroom with you. I can't really judge," she shrugs. He pinches the sleeve of his jacket, his hair falls just in front of his face. "At least we're admitting we have a problem."

"What's your problem—," he pauses.

"Gina," she finishes.

"So, Gina, why are you hiding,"

"I may have made some enemies.. you make one comment about casting and suddenly you're the enemy of the state and it's off with your head,"

"That was you?" He exasperated, eyes widening. He laughs a bit, snapping his mouth shut like he's caught himself before sinking into laughter again. "Shit when Nini told me some new girl came at her I thought she was kidding."

It dawns on her the minute he says it. The way his eyes sparkle and churn with sadness all at once that she's the ex he's referring to. Fuck, she mutters to herself. "Nini's your ex?"

He nods, "And you miss her?"

He nods again, much more hesitantly this time. "But, she hates you? And probably hates me, actually pretty sure she and her whole friend group hate me. Is this what people call fate?"

Ricky shrugs. "Maybe. Or maybe, the universe just needs two people to fuck with and we just suck at avoiding it."

Gina doesn't notice it at first. So used to wallowing by herself that she doesn't recognize the key in front of her iron bars slowly unlocking. It's nothing big, the key barely fits through the hole. Still, it's like a whisper in her ear. She lifts her legs to her chest, the floor shaking under them as the party reaches new heights, and the sound of footsteps passing becomes nothing but a constant to fill the bouts of silence.

"So, Ricky, what did you do?"

"It's what I didn't do actually,"

"Okay. What didn't you do?"

He folds his fingers in his lap, chewing on his bottom lip. "She told me she loved me and I.. I didn't say it back.." Ricky's voice fades off at the end. Gina's thoughts are getting repetitive. There are fifty million things about this entire interaction that is strange and off. A guy she's just met is venting to her and her own words seem ready to follow at any moment. Yet, even with all of that, she's having a better time here than she has ever since she stepped foot into Utah.

"Oh."

"Yeah,"

"No offense, I would probably hate you too." Leaning his head back again, he groans. His Adam's apple bobs slightly. "I mean, I never said that to a guy before but shit, if I confessed to a guy and he just didn't say anything I would need to go Jasmine Sullivan on their ass,"

"I don't have a car,"

"You're the first guy to ever get my reference,"

"Who doesn't listen to Jasmine Sullivan?"

"That's what I'm saying!"

Ricky chuckles lowly, "Before you bust the windows out of my imaginary car. I do love Nini. We've known each other since we were kids and I love her. I just... I wasn't ready to say it,"

"Did you tell her that?"

"No,"

"There's precisely your problem,"

"Well, it's not exactly like I have an opening." His voice squeaks a little. "I messed up already."

Gina's gaze meets his. From what she can tell from the last few minutes and the way his eyes soften is that he does actually love this girl. Honesty drips like someone painted his face in it. Such a strange thing to be able to wear your emotions instead of burying them.

"Well if you haven't noticed I didn't exactly do this whole new girl thing right which is ironic considering I move like all the time. We're both fuck-ups, I guess,"

"Do you seriously move around all the time or—,"

She holds her fingers out, marking down the school as she speaks. "I wish it was sarcasm. Five elementary schools, three middle schools, and two high schools. East High's the second."

"Military brat?"

"My mom works for FEMA, so she spends her life helping people after natural disasters while promising me things won't change just for them to change two seconds later. She's actually trying to convince me that Salt Lake is permanent. Keeps telling me to make friends and have fun. God if only she knew.."

She stops for a moment, fighting the urge to laugh again, "..I'm doing such a shitty job,"

To be honest, she's heard it all before. So as charming as it would be to make friends. Friends like Kourtney, Ashlyn, and Nini were inseparable and stuck to each other like glue whenever she passed them in the halls. As nice as it would be to let the walls down and just be the Gina who got lost in all the moving and boxes, she knows it's stupid to try. Maybe that's why it's so easy to talk to Ricky.

It won't last. It never will, she'll move away and be a figment of his imagination and none of that will be new to her.

"Consider us friends,"

"Huh?" she tilts her head to the side, cheek pressing against her knee. "Consider. Us. Friends. I don't usually share my pity spaces with other people. Oh and—," he reaches into his pocket. Pulling out a blue raspberry lollipop (her favorite).

"—Only my friends get to have a lollipop,"

His fingers graze hers, shocking her quickly as the material of his jacket mixed with the carpet causes a static charge. Gina shakes her hand, thrusting her hand forward again when the tingling goes away. Grabbing the lollipop, she unravels it and pops it into her mouth. Ricky pushed back against the tub, standing up. "Thanks. This is actually the most fun I had all night which sounds really pathetic,"

"Trust me, nothing is worse than me,"

"True."

"As my friend, you're supposed to disagree,"

"Sorry. Let's try one more time."

"Too late the moment is gone," Ricky replied, his tone teasing. Ding. They both go reach for their phone, her notifications are empty as her phone turns on.

He sighs, his smile dropping. "Uh, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you, Gi," with the lingering nickname, he briefly puts his hand on her shoulder squeezing it before slipping out of the door.

No one's ever really given her a nickname before. Not a guy at least and not a nice one at that. She stares out at the hall, her mind being whipped back into the party that she nearly forgot about. Lollipop dangling from her lips, where he touched her is warm. Such a quick thing and yet she can still feel it as she stands alone.

(She doesn't realize it then, but this marks the last night where Gina ends off a party on her own).

two.

Before she knows it, two months go by.

A lot changed in two months. Gina settles in East High officially. Her walls are still up, but apparently, it doesn't matter because people like to be around her. People being Ricky for the first month, till he quite literally bulldozed her into the theatre family that they were both getting accustomed to. Awkward apologies later and she went to her first girl's night. Even spent the whole night sharing secrets with Kourtney while she did her hair.

Her mom picks up later cases so they spend some of the days together. She's even developed a bit of a crush. She doesn't want to jinx but she's had the best two months of her life and she's not ready to say it out loud. Part of her is still terrified it's all gonna go crumbling down.

She guess that going from an understudy to Taylor in some ways didn't suck as bad as it felt when she knew deep down that she deserved the lead role. In an effort to be more positive, she tries to tell herself at least she has a role and she fucking killed it.

Now that it's all said and done, her shoulders loosen and she enjoys the party. Gina wonders what it's like to be so sound in a friendship or relationship that they throw you an entire (intensely planned) party. Which leads to her wondering if she'll ever truly fit in. They're friends, sure, but that doesn't stop the gnawing feeling that she needs to be a little nicer and push herself a little harder to just please everyone and stay their friend.

Too preoccupied with her thoughts, she doesn't feel the light nudge until they do it again. EJ peeks his head out from the side, speaking of crushes.

"Hey, I've been looking for you,"

"I've been here. Chilling at the snack table because I'm like 99% sure Carlos wants to bust out one of the unpicked choreo," in some ways she knows it's random. EJ is not exactly her type if she were to put it on paper, but he's sweet and he's sure of himself and she likes that.

"Pretty sure he's too caught up with Seb to notice you,"

She lets out an exasperated sigh of relief. Looking down at her fingers, she slides her nail around the rim of the cup. Turns out that when you have a crush on someone, you lose all ability to actually talk like a normal person.

Good to note. She fucking hates it.

"So, how'd your musical debut feel?"

"I always knew I was made for the stage. I mean I did play the lead at camp,"

"And you'll never let us forget it." She waits for something. Anything. The silence chucks them into the center of awkwardness and unspoken thoughts. From what she's heard, many-many times he likes her too. You're gonna have to take the reigns, Gina. No big deal. Get it together and talk. "Uh, EJ?"

"Yeah," he hums, leaning closer to hear her better. "I was wondering if you wanted to—,"

"—Gina!" You've got to be fucking kidding me. Nini bumps into her side, arms wrapping around her as her eyes wash over her own with the same starstruck look she's had all week since she got her acceptance to YAC. "Just the girl I was looking for.." catch a hint. Catch a hint.

"Have you seen Ricky?" Oh, what's the point? "Lemme check my pocket. No, I haven't seen him Neens. Shouldn't you—I don't know—know where he is yourself?"

"I thought I did. He was like right next to me and then Kourtney and I started talking about YAC and he just disappeared." Yeah because the fact that you're moving is killing him inside. "And you two are close, so I just thought.. look I know it sounds stupid.. but I just." Nini looks over at EJ briefly who seems to catch this hint easier than the hints she's been giving him for weeks.

"I'll just go. I'll see you around Gina,"

"Yeah, see you," she waved awkwardly.

"I just don't want to fight with him tonight, but that doesn't mean I don't wish he was here,"

"I get it, Neens. I do, but I haven't seen him." Gina sighs, caving in. "If I do see him, you'll be the first to know."

"You're the best Gi,"

"So I've been told," with the best smile she can muster, Gina watches as Nini slips back into the crowd not forgetting to squeeze her hand before she goes. The goodbye crown pokes out from the top of the many heads surrounding her and yet again, Gina slips out of view and beelines it to the stairs.

For once he decides to take her advice. The bathroom door is locked as she reaches out to open it. She knocks twice, halfway prepared to zip back to the stairs if Ricky's not inside. Gina knows he is. "Ricky Bowen, open this door right now before I break it off the hinges and murder you with it."

The lock clicks, opening on its own. Ricky drags his arm back, slouching against the sink counter in a bad case of deja vu. His eyes are closed. His hands are shaky and so is every breath he takes. Click. She crosses the small space between him and the door, going over his legs, and sitting beside him.

Gina slides her arm behind his neck, placing his head on her shoulder. Her cheek rests on the crown of his head, she silently rubs his arm. "Thought you were going to murder me," he murmurs.

"Waiting for the perfect moment actually," he laughs lowly. Goosebumps rise on her arms when the air tickles her arm. "Just when you least expect, boom, you're gone." Ricky goes for another weak laugh, fails, and drops his arm where their legs meet.

"Nini's looking for you." She breaks the silence again.

"Fuck."

"I don't get it, Ricky. You fought so hard to get her back. Joining the musical, working your ass off. Killing it tonight by the way and now you're.. is this about your mom?" The late-night conversation from a couple of nights ago still lingers in her head. Ricky tells her his mom is officially moving to Chicago and then the two of them spend the entire night shit-talking the Windy City to make him feel better.

"I suck at distance Gi."

"Ricky, she's downstairs."

"I know,"

"She's still here looking for you. Doesn't that count for something?"

"I want it to. I want it to be so bad. We just got back together. We just got comfortable and suddenly—." Ricky forces his lips shut to stop the tears from ripping out again. Gina can hear the pain in his tone. She senses the way his voice cracks.

"—Suddenly everything's changing again. You get used to one normal and just like that it's gone." She finishes.

At the same time, she hears just how used to this he is. In the blistering edges of every sentence, it was almost like he was expecting it and he was fighting it but it still lingers.

"I'm so sick of people leaving. I'm so fucking sick of not having any control of it, y'know? This night was great and I finally feel like I have some type of family again and life is fucking shit all over again."

Gina lifts his head up a bit, crossing her leg, and turning to face him. She grabs his face with both of her hands. "You kicked ass tonight Ricky and you deserve to stop thinking for a second and celebrate. But, if you can't and if the going away thing is overwhelming then I'll go downstairs and steal some snacks and we can just sit here," silently she wipes his tears.

"Tempting."

"I'm serious Ricky just say the word,"

"I know. I know, but come on it's not fair to leave the star of the show stuck here with me,"

"I was an understudy turned Taylor last minute,"

"And you dominated that dance floor," it's exactly what she wanted to hear all night. From EJ. From anyone, just a genuine you did it. Great job Gina and just a bit of acknowledgment. "You're such a fucking star. It's literally crazy,"

"Thanks, Ricky." A smile spreads across her crimson cheeks.

She wipes off her jeans, leaning back. Standing up, she holds her hand out. "Now if only another idiot guy out there would think the same,"

"There's more of us?" His hand fits perfectly in hers.

"Eh, EJ might be worse than you so there's that?"

"EJ?" Ricky stops abruptly as they make it to the door, pulling her back unconsciously. "You're not serious. That guy's bad news,"

"For god's sake Ricky, it's a stupid little crush," it feels like there's a bile lodged in her throat when she says it.

His small smirk drops, his eyes unreadable. "On EJ?"

"You don't see me commenting on your relationship with Nini,"

"That's.." if she allows herself to dwell on it, she'll note the changes in his body language and in his tone. How tense he gets and a little distant like he wants to say so much more. She wants to shake him, and force him to speak. Say anything to quell the crescendo of thoughts going around in her head. What does it matter? Why do you care so much? You're with Nini, worry about that.

Gina opts for saying none of it. Ricky opts to kick his feet and stand straighter. "Different? Be serious for a second. Now, let's go. I need a popcorn refill in my stomach and if anyone sees us leave the bathroom together we're fucked," she tugs on his arm, only letting go when it dons on her that they're still holding hands at the top of the staircase.

"But it's EJ," he beckons at the boy. She forces his hand down, slapping the back of his palm as he winced dramatically.

"You make me wanna smoke my ass out, Ricky. Shut up,"

"It's not my fault,"

"It's not my fault," she mocks, pinching his side as he throws an arm over her shoulder. Nini's party has moved in entirely outside for the emotional goodbyes and she knows Ricky is just stalling, but for the most part, she lets him. "You're a child."

"You love me,"

"I hate you,"

"Love."

"Hate. Hate. Hate." They follow the crowd making it outside and splitting off.

Ricky falls into place beside Nini while Gina slips beside Kourtney and takes her hand as Kourtney fights back the tears threatening to leave her eyes. Gina can't help but have her eyes drift off the Ricky, still feeling somewhat out of place like always, who's looking directly at her.

"Love," he mouths.

She flashes him the quickest middle finger before the waterworks really start. Who knew getting so attached to a group of people actually felt sound?

three.

Gina experiences her first surprise party at 18. She'll be the first to say she's never allowed herself to dwell on time or possibilities. Everything was always so up in the air that there was never a chance to stop a think.

Barely ever a chance to breathe. Summers were dazes, autumn moved too fast, spring brought another long bout of change, and winters were isolated. It's how she dealt with it before everything, seeing the world in blocks rather than a long continuous string.

Before Salt Lake. Before her mom started trying. Before she made friends—good friends and close bonds—even got herself a boyfriend.

Everyone always thinks it's shockingly fitting she was born on Halloween. Gina never did much for her birthdays. She's learned not to expect much either. Kourtney decides to throw an extravagant costume party and Gina keeps her birthday quiet.

She doesn't mention much to EJ for the most part, she just tells him they'll do something after and that it's just a day. Every word is like a bitter coffee bean in her mouth, she thinks that if she keeps saying it and she forces herself to believe it, it will become more true. It doesn't.

Gina grapples with staying and not leaving and the thought of her birthday oddly makes leaving a little more real. Will she make it?

Will the nightly knocks on her door to kiss her goodnight be her mother going back on her promise?

Her fears stay exactly that, fears. It doesn't happen instead she zips up a Cat Woman suit on Halloween night. Stomping down on her heels to make sure they won't slip and makes her way over to Kourtney's place. Another first to mark off her list. The door is closed but it isn't locked and Gina nearly jumps out of her skin as she flicks the light on, confused about why it's off in the first place.

"Happy Birthday Gi!" All of their voices carry, tugging on her heartstrings, and pulling her into undeniable warmth. Kourtney's mom and her mom—dressed as Glinda and Elphaba respectively—stand holding the lit-up cake in their hands. Ricky (Spider-Man) happily pops out the confetti that covers her in more colors than she can count. Kourtney (Dr. Facillier) slips a crown on her head and EJ (The Joker) drapes a sash over her shoulders, kissing her head. He leans away still airing on the lines of caution cause Terri Porter is not his biggest fan.

"You guys didn't have to," she keeps saying. Her eyes tear till it just come flooding out when they engulf her in hugs. Every single time they kindly tell her to shut up and enjoy it. She wishes for everything to last forever and cringes at them singing happy birthday.

Gina bows out into the kitchen to calm the beating of her heart and the racing in her pulse. "Seriously Kourt... Eej this is amazing. I never had a surprise party, moved around too much... the point is you two are the best!"

EJ smiles taking her hand. "Well, we can't take all the credit. Ricky was on our ass this whole time about this party," Kourtney hums, pouring herself a Dr.Pepper. EJ visibly tenses beside her.

Nothing new, always getting tense at the mere mention of Ricky and it doesn't help that they're both leads for the fall musical. He's just so on edge and she doesn't get it, she never gets pissed whenever Valerie keeps up late at night, or at least she doesn't show it—much.

She's so sick of having to bring things up to talk about them, so she reluctantly lets it ride. Gina would admit, she has unconsciously backed away from Ricky in the last months. Doesn't want to deal with EJ getting a bad idea and still he goes out of his way to do this for her.

"He didn't do that much," EJ breathes, smacking his lips in indifference.

"Give the kid his credit EJ. Gina, if it weren't for him we would've got strawberry cake,"

"I hate strawberry. You guys know I like ice cream cake,"

"Apparently this one over here forgot," she motions at EJ who stands with his hand stuffed in his pocket.

"I didn't forget... I just... I got caught up."

Gina rocks his shoulder back, loosening the tension in her shoulder blades. "It's fine, Eej. We got the right cake after all. I'll just be right back,"

"Where are you going?" She looks around. Ricky's already out of sight.

"I do gotta say thank you,"

"Don't stay away too long," it's second nature in Gina to make it for the bathroom. She pulls open the door, but nothing. She goes back down and checks the downstairs one as well. Empty. Gina passes through the kitchen, her eyes flickering to the window over the sink. Blue and red checkered squares fill her vision. The backyard light shines down onto the pacing figure and just the way his curls blow in the wind tells her she's found exactly who she's looking for.

"So we've graduated from the bathroom huh," she smiles, stopping in front of him. "I'm not giving your gift to you in a bathroom,"

Spider-Man is ridiculously fitting for him, paired with his black and white converse it is the Ricky Bowen of costumes. He has the mask in one hand, his other hand behind his back. Rocking back on his toes, "That's the point of the gift table isn't it?" He stops when she teases him.

"But my gift is special, Cat Woman,"

"Oh is it? Spider-Man?"

Ricky holds a small basket over to her. "You said you get sick a lot this time of year and with rehearsals, I just thought why not? So I like begged my mom to help me pick some stuff out.."

"You saw your mom?" She asked. Setting the basket on the ground, she pulls out cherry-flavored cough drops (the only flavor she likes), some peppermint tea, mini multivitamin gummies, and a cute eye mask that matches the color of her headphones. His mother's influence shines through with the face masks—cucumber and aloe—and eye masks.

"Yeah, just for a weekend. It was nice. Weird but nice,"

"Ricky, that's amazing. This is amazing. You didn't.."

"Gina, if you say I didn't have to I'm gonna lose it,"

She stands up straighter, "I'm serious. Everything with the break-up and your mom. I haven't been the best friend as of late either. So the fact that you still went out of your way to do this is insane." Her arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer to her. Ricky basically falls into her embrace, his face buried into her shoulder. "Thank you so much," he wordlessly lifts her off the ground, squeezing, and setting her back down.

"You'd do it for me. Hey, I still remember you barging into my bedroom during the summer just to say happy birthday," It's still one of her fondest summer breaks. Granted, the cake was half melted by the time she got there, and waking him up was a chore, but it felt perfect.

Ricky's arms circle around her tighter and all she can think about is how comfortable he is and all she can feel is as if she's been tangled up in a cocoon. "Happy Birthday Gina,"

He lifts his head off her neck, arms still around her. Arms dropping a little. A sharp intake resounds around her. She's glued to him, her smile profound and toothy. Her hands stay on his shoulders, tilting her head to the side there is a slight moment. That slight moment where his hand drops again and he fully holds her waist that she's stunned into silence.

A bond like this is so hard for her to understand. She's so okay with him. Sound. Everything is easy, nothing ever feels like a chore or forced. Even if they go miles away from each other it's like nothing ever changes once they're around each other. Her thoughts leave her guilty, she wonders why she's never felt this with EJ. Gina wonders what she's doing wrong as Ricky's eyes spin in front of her.

Her immediate response should be to look away, pull her hands down, and march back into the house. Her delayed response remains staring at him. His reaction is no better. "Thank you," she repeats.

"Anything for you," her breathing is embarrassingly uneven.

"We should get back inside before they light the Cat Signal,"

"That's not a thing,"

"It should be," he mutters. They fall into steps, shoulders brushing. He has his arm over her shoulder, dropping it when they get to the door.

four.

They're back in the bathroom.

Well, she was in the bathroom after the ridiculous screaming match she just had with EJ before she finally just gave up. It was the same conversation. It was Ricky and it was Val and it was him constantly not telling her things like his Duke offer to his supposed gap year to the ditching an entire date to pick up his stinking childhood friend from the airport even though she said it bothered her. Val was all blue eyes and beautiful blonde hair and it stung a lot.

But, she's just supposed to cast Ricky aside? Burn him at the stake and pretend he doesn't exist and she's trying because at least she knows where the lines are. She's constantly trying and fixing and mending and hiding her feelings from EJ. Yet, all he can see is the curly-haired boy who has always been just a friend.

Perching up on Ashlyn's replaced countertop, she sits in her own self-misery. The rum and coke on her tongue feel bitter even if the drink is nothing like it.

She flicks the lock at the first knock, and Ricky comes in. In his signature denim jacket and converses. He keeps a distance, leaning on the wall across from her. "This feels familiar,"

Gina takes the large swig, puffing out her lips as she forces the drink to go down. "Y'know us, always stuck in the bathroom,"

"It was the backyard last time remember?" Of course, she remembers, she can't stop. The way he held her. The way his arms felt around her. Protected. Comfortable. Stable. It was just as infuriating as it was intoxicating. "You've been avoiding me since then,"

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Gina, we literally only ever talk during rehearsals. You barely answer my messages. You turn the other way if you see me in the hallways and you know I threw that note at the back of your head to get your attention during class the other day. You didn't bother to open it though."

"I have a boyfriend, Ricky! What is so hard to get about that? I can't be around you all the freaking time!" She snaps regretting her words as soon as they come out. “God, I’m so sorry,” I'm your boyfriend. Not him, you can't be around him all the freaking time. "I know. I just missed you."

"You shouldn't."

"These parties are only ever good cause you're here,"

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Saying that. All of it."

"Okay." Stop agreeing with me. Stop listening to me. Stop being you, she wants to yell. Instead, she hugs herself or traps herself, she's not sure at the moment. "You wanna talk about it?"

The words are tumbling out her lips, "It's just so hard. All relationships are hard, but it's so hard and it's like I'm beating a drywall that's never gonna break and EJ is on the other side waiting for me to burst through. I look at him sometimes and I just wonder if we weren't dating. If we were just friends and I know I should hate thinking it, but I don't and I just want everyone to be happy but I'm fucking miserable. I want it to go away. I want it to work. I owe it to myself to make it work right?"

"Gi..."

".. I'm losing my mind here Ricky," she says with a dry chuckle. Angrily, she wipes at the stray emotions she can't get to stay where they are.

"Can I hug you?"

No.

Bad idea.

Gina don't. She nods her head without a second thought. Ricky pushes off the wall. Ricky's hands dangerously sit on her legs, he pulls her closer to the edge. Standing in between her legs, holding her like there is no other thing he'd rather be doing and she just lets out the tears she's been sucking in all along.

He doesn't say anything else, he just hugs her. He does what her heart has been screaming for but her mouth can't say. "I fucking hate that guy," he finally mutters gaining a laugh from her.

"All this over a dance," she says. Ricky pulls away, wiping her tears. If peace were personified it would be him.

He cocks his eyebrow, "He promised we'd dance and just let loose and have fun, and instead he's spent the whole night making sure everyone else and Val have a good time, and then when I confront him about it, he shuts me down and tries to fix it by saying he loves me,"

"Holy shit,"

"You're telling me," she laughs again, hands folded in her lip. Ricky tilts his head to the side, eyes focusing down on her. "Are you even happy with him anymore?"

"I don't know.. I honestly don't know. I don't know if I want it to work or if I just went to let it go," she doesn't realize it until now that his thumb is drawing circles on her slightly exposed back. "With you and Nini. How'd you know it was over?"

"I'm not telling you that,"

"Why not?"

"Because you're gonna look at me differently,"

"Never," she swears, holding her hand up to the sky. He doesn't budge, avoiding eye contact as she pouts. She grabs his face forcing him to look at her. "Come on, I need your wisdom right now."

"Now you're just talking crazy,"

"It's working though,"

He sighs, "I knew it was over when.. when I could go an entire day without thinking about Nini but couldn't go a single second without thinking about her,"

"Her? Who's.. please tell me you're not talking about the singer,"

"No, I'm not talking about the singer. There was a girl and I fell for her bad." She smacks him in the shoulder. "Ow?! What was that for? I thought you wouldn't look at me differently,"

"I'm not. Doesn't mean I stand for your cheating,"

"I didn't cheat. I haven't even told the girl," she smacks him again. "Stop hitting me!"

"No—how could you not tell her?"

"It's complicated."

"Uncomplicate it,"

"I can't." Ricky grabs her wrists before she can swat him again. "You gotta stop hitting me. I'm trying to comfort you here,"

"And what if I tell you this is comforting,"

"Nice try." He places her hands on either side of her, still holding them. His hands are so nice on her cold skin, bringing her hands back down to normal temperatures just as he loosened the tension around her. Ricky silently drags one hand up, swiping an eyelash off her cheek. "Is she pretty? Is she nice? What's she like? Why haven't you told me about her?" She shoots the questions out ignoring the sting.

"She's gorgeous. She's not nice. She's kind. There's a difference and it makes her fucking great and that's all you're getting,"

"You're an asshole. Can I get a name?"

"Be serious,"

"I just wanna know who has you wrapped around their finger,"

"You already do." He snaps his mouth closed. She points at him, a haha moment hitting them. "That's all your getting. Gina, let it go."

"You know I can't." Gina finally admits. They fall into a comfortable silence. Swinging her legs, secretly she wishes this moment to last forever.

"Gina." Her name is like gospel on his tongue.

"Yeah?"

"Don't kill me for saying this," he gulps, his eyes flickering about her face. "But if you were my girlfriend, I'd dance with you all night." All her thoughts jumble, bouncing around her head like someone start beating on the walls of her brain. Her heart betrays her mind. It bangs and it swells like someone is pumping it full of air.

She'll pop. She can feel it. This is the last second before she bursts.

"I'm not. I'm not your girlfriend, you can't say things like that..." she stops it before it can happen.

"Say what? EJ is an idiot and you deserve fifty million dances. You deserve the world. Why can't say I that? You and I both know it's true,"

Gina doesn't know how to respond. The mention of EJ should snap her into motion, it should make her feel anything but empty. Ricky places his phone beside her and turns the music to something so soft that it only stays within their four walls. "Dance with me,"

"We're in a bathroom."

"So?" He shrugs. Sensibly, she should say no. She should just push away from him and recognize how bad this will look to anyone. She doesn't.

It's when his arms wrap around her waist and they sway from left to right that she recognizes she's no different from EJ. "No bathroom gifts, but dancing is fine?" He nods.

No one else can exist when Ricky is around her like no one else exists to EJ. No one compares to the feeling in her heart, the weak feeling in her knees, to the pull that surrounds them and engulfs her.

No one and nothing. Ricky kisses the crown of her head and she tatters on insanity.

He is like fire.

A hearth.

He brings home wherever he is. It's why she lets him go. Why she drops her hand when his face leans a bit too close to her. "We should go back downstairs before someone notices,"

"You sure?"

"We shouldn't be here." Not now. She breathes. His face mere inches from hers and she walks out. Tries not to think of any of it (she can't forget it all night).

five.

It's a quarter to midnight when Gina gives up rotting away in a corner, grabs a whole bottle of Sprite on the counter, hijacks the brownies she made, and walks out to Ashlyn's backyard.

She loves the New Year and knowing she's gonna start the New Year in the same place is always heaven. This year has given her a lot of firsts. She had her first party, first relationship, first kiss, and first heartbreak.

Gina doesn't miss EJ. They're fine, friends if she were to put a label on it. It doesn't mean she's particularly keen on seeing him with the girl he convinced her not to worry about. Selfish on her part, but she can't help what she feels. Good for him, but she might have to claw her own eyes out if she sees them feed each other another one of Carlos's famous tamales.

Or worse, gag herself with a spoon if she catches her painfully in love friend staring at his ex any longer. Part of her doesn't believe him when he said he moved on and there was something else.

She books it for the door. The music gets softer behind her, her feet smashing against the ground as a product of Kourtney's insane ability to convince her to wear heels. The cool breeze zips past her skirt. Speaking of said friend, Ricky is laid out on the ground staring at the stars.

His hand holding his head up, finger lightly tapping on his chest. "Does your misery want some company?" She asks, peering down at him. His star-shone eyes flicker to hers.

"I was wondering when you were gonna come out here." Sitting up fully, he crosses his legs. Ricky slides his jacket under her legs as she sits down.

"Should've called me,"

"And ruin the spontaneity of it all? Nope!" So many parties this year and it seems that they always end up away from the crowd, huddled together in a corner talking or not talking.

"Oh, I missed you,"

"You're talking about the brownies aren't you," he merely smiles, taking the plate out of her hands. "Of course not, I always miss you,"

Gina chooses not to question the odd and familiar sense of comfort as they both settle into their routine. She's spent too many nights tossing and turning. "Couldn't stand to be around any longer? Mr. I've Totally Moved On," let's just say Gina wasn't the only one with a staring problem.

"Who?" She gives him a pointed look. "Ellen.. duh Nini! Who else would I be talking about? You've been staring at her since she surprised everyone," she tries to ignore the bile in her throat as the words leave her lips.

"I have not,"

"Have to,"

"Have not." He groans. "Gina, I think I would know who I've been staring at all night. I'm happy for her. Her girlfriend seems nice. It's still a little freaky seeing her after everything—but I haven't been staring at her," Liar, she mumbles. Ricky opens up the Sprite, taking a quick sip before handing it off to her.

She silently does the same, his crossed legs hitting her knee as he shifts back a little. "What about you? Do you miss EJ? You've been staring at him a lot,"

She snorts, unconsciously, "God, no." He looks over at her, an amused smile playing on his lips. "Oh, that sounds bad. I just mean. He's happy and we weren't fit for each other and that's okay—stop looking at me like that."

"I'm not looking at you like anything. I just don't usually hear 'god, no' when girls talk about their ex that's all,"

"Oh, then you must not have heard about Nini talking about you,"

"Damn Gi, way to shoot a guy when he's down," he jokingly nudges her, his shoulder lingering beside her as she breaks off the last brownie. She holds it to his lips, taking a bite of the other half. The music gets shut off behind him, the tv going up on full blast as the countdown begins.

"Should we go back inside?" They both turn their heads. Everyone is stuffing hats on their head at least that's what they can pick up from the figures.

"Do you want to?"

She shakes her head, "Not really. But if you want to, we can,"

"I'm good wherever you are Gi," she's glad it's dark. The warmth in her cheeks was lost in the air. She pushes at his chest, his eyes never leaving hers. "I wasn't staring at Nini all night,"

"Denial is not cute Ricky,"

"Am I the one in denial or are you?"

"And what would I have to be in denial about? Give me one good answer," her heart pounds with a hundred different ones. Ricky's presence has always been so painfully known to her. It's a burden and it's a nuisance and god, he smells so much like vanilla. He shifts closer. "You do realize you've been standing around Nini all night,"

"That's not—,"

"You two walked in like seconds apart. You looked stunning by the way, I almost choked on my drink. Same at the snack table, on the dance floor, and when you were talking with Kourtney in the living room. Gi, if you didn't remind me I would've totally forgotten that Nini was in the room in the first place. You remember that night in the bathroom right?"

How could she forget being so close to him?

Dancing with him.

"You're the girl I can't stop thinking about. You're the one always on my mind. So, yeah I'm over Nini but there is no moving on from you," he pauses, "And if I didn't know any better I'd say you were looking back. But that's crazy cause the Gina Porter would never look at me,"

"How would I know who you were looking at if I wasn't looking at you?"

"And you still didn't guess that you're the only girl I wanted to look at tonight? I've been dropping hints for months. Wow, I gotta step my game up," her cheeks are on fire. Her fingers aching to just reach up and touch him, feel his skin under her fingertips.

"I think some part of me always knew. I wasn't ready to accept it."

Ricky touches her as gently as possible, he slides his hands around her. She can barely breathe when he places both of his hands on her neck. It's worse when he caresses her cheek. Even worse when he sits there like he always does, waiting.

That stupid green light that's been yellow for so long. "Can you accept it now?"

"Ricky Bowen, it's midnight. If you don't kiss me in the next few seconds, so help me.." he surges forward without any time to stop and think. Capturing Gina's lips in his wanting and waiting ones as his hands encased her waist. She angles her head to the side, forgoing the jacket under her as she throws her legs over Ricky until she's firmly planted on his lap.

He pulls her close like if he lets go for a second, she'll disappear. She has her hands in his hair, around his neck, sliding down his arms. She's telling him, reminding him that she's here.

She's not going anywhere.

Chocolate and Sprite have to be the worst combination, but with him. On him. It's stupidly perfect. The cheers are isolated around them, all she cares about at the moment is doing what she's run away from for so long.

Call her a little crazy, but it was a matter of choice tonight. Would she rather look at EJ and Val or look at the boy she's been crushing for god knows how long pining over his ex? The answer was obvious at the time. Gina just didn't think he would ever look back at her. As she kisses Ricky in the dark of the night, she's glad she doesn't have to make a choice anymore.

He was looking at her.

He was always looking at her.

"Is this where we stop hiding?" She holds his face in her hands. They're the only two people in the world.

From the very first night they met to every other party and every other rehearsal it was them for each other.

"I got you. There's nothing to hide from anymore, Gi."