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It had been hard for Katsuki ever since the war. Reliving the events over and over every time he closed his eyes. The impact on his chest, the feeling of his heart stopping. He would never get over the guilt either. Why did it always happen to be him ending pro-heroes careers? Why was it always him they had to sacrifice themselves for? It didn’t matter what people told him, no matter how many times his boyfriend told him he was glad he was alive and that Edgeshot wanted to save him, that it had been the hero’s choice to do that.
Katsuki had spent a long time in the hospital after the events, one of the ones who had to spend the longest time there. Himself and Deku. His childhood friend had pushed way past his limits and was now suffering the consequences.
When the pair finally got released it was relief all around their classmates. Shouto - Katsuki’s boyfriend, almost knocked him over when he entered the dorms and was engulfed by the half and half boy. Shouto had clung onto him, didn’t even give a chance for his friends to be close but they all understood. Katsuki was thankful for them knowing they would have had to take care of Shouto whilst he wasn’t there. Eijirou had kept him informed, telling him how Shouto didn’t sleep until he literally passed out from exhaustion. How he waited for any kind of update from Aizawa regarding Katsuki’s health. It had been rough on all of them.
That first night back in the dorms consisted of Shouto cuddled up to him in bed and after his close friends had begged him to let them stay in his room too he ended up with Denki, Mina, Hanta, Eijirou and Izuku sleeping on his floor. They did that for a week until Aizawa had told them they couldn’t keep doing it, mostly because Denki kept complaining about back ache from the floor and no way in hell was Katsuki letting him in the bed with him and Shouto.
He hadn’t really thought about how badly it affected those close to him. Of course, his parents were distraught and thought they had lost him. Both of them so relieved he made it. His mother hadn’t even blamed him this time. Katsuki was shocked that she was so upset over it, he hadn’t ever seen her like that before. Even now, she constantly texts him to check in.
What he hadn’t anticipated was how bad it had messed with Shouto. His boyfriend was good at masking his emotions, but he wasn’t that good. He noticed it in the way Shouto would sit at the table in the kitchen before he noticed Katsuki was there. He would stare off into nothing, even as his classmates scurried around him, banging around in the kitchen. Shouto didn’t move. Not until Katsuki was next to him and touching his hand gently, Shouto would look up at him, his eyes registering that Katsuki was in fact there and he’d smile at him lightly. It was a reserved kind of smile, one Katsuki hadn’t seen on his face before. It was like saying “I’m glad you’re really here, I was scared you weren’t.” He noticed it in the way whenever Katsuki had a nightmare about it, Shouto would calm him down and tell him he was okay and he was here and alive but Katsuki never missed the way his voice trembled as he cried too.
It was when Katsuki had gotten himself a watch to track his heart rate he noticed just how much Shouto needed the reassurance too. Shouto smiled when he first noticed it, taking Katsuki’s hand to inspect it.
“What’s that for?” He had asked that day.
“Tracking my performance. I still need to beat you, don’t I pretty boy?” Katsuki had told him. The blush that had spread across Shouto’s cheeks made him think he believed that. He didn’t know Shouto saw right through him.
The days after that consisted of Shouto stealing glances at the watch, thinking Katsuki couldn’t see what he was doing. Especially on the night. Whenever he thought Katsuki was asleep he’d pick up his arm to look at the little screen on the watch. Watching his heart rate, he’d stare at it for a while until he could convince himself he was okay to sleep and Katsuki would be fine. It then lead to Shouto putting his hand on his chest, right over his heart to feel his heartbeat to help lull him to sleep. If he could actually feel it then it helped a lot better. Sometimes Katsuki would wake for a nightmare, startled and his hand flying to his chest just to make sure it was still beating and he was still alive. He’d end up grabbing onto Shouto’s hand instead, squeezing it lightly and the fact he was there with his lover, could touch him, could feel he was there with him was enough to convince him he wasn’t dead. He never felt more alive than gripping Shouto’s hand and feeling the boy squeeze his hand in return in his sleep. He’d sit up, keeping Shouto’s hand firmly on his chest, knowing by now that he needs to feel his heartbeat and he doesn’t want to scare him by moving it. When he looks over at his boyfriend he’s glad to see him sleeping peacefully, he’s all too aware of how long it takes for him to fall asleep. Katsuki didn’t have much trouble falling asleep, it was just trying to stay asleep that was the problem. Shouto on the other hand just wouldn’t sleep at all. Too many times Katsuki had woken up from a nightmare only to see one blue eye and one grey eye already staring back him, ready to comfort him back to sleep. Katsuki would apologise for waking him up but Shouto would tell him he hadn’t been asleep anyway.
So, yeah, Katsuki was starting to realise just how much this affected Shouto too.
It had been a couple of weeks now since he was discharged from the hospital, every night filled with panic and nightmares but they were coping as best they could given the trauma. All the students in the classes involved had to go to mandatory therapy now because of it all. Katsuki wasn’t sure if it was helping yet. But, Katsuki couldn’t thank Shouto enough for being there, always reassuring and always acting strong even when Katsuki knew he was finding it hard.
That night Katsuki was exhausted from classes that day, for some reason it had really wiped him out. He sent a text to Shouto to let him know he was going to bed but he’d leave the door unlocked for when Shouto was done studying. His boyfriend told him it was okay and he hoped he slept well and with that Katsuki settled into his bed to sleep.
When Shouto eventually arrived to sleep it was nearing midnight, he was quiet coming in and closing the door. Carefully slipping into the bed besides Katsuki, as to not wake him. He shuffles closer and places a hand on top of his chest, only he can’t really feel his heartbeat as strong. He quickly picks up his arm and checks the watch. He’s fine. His heart rate is normal. He places a hand back on his chest and Shouto realises it’s because he has a hoodie on. He can feel his heartbeat faintly so it’s enough, it’s there. He’s just wearing a thick layer so it’s hard to feel it properly. He does eventually fall asleep but he wakes up a couple of hours later, blinking his sleep filled eyes open and his hand is still on Katsuki’s chest only he can’t feel a heartbeat.
It’s not there. He moves his hand slightly wondering if he moved it when he was sleeping but still nothing. Why can’t he feel it!? He sits up in a panic, his hand pressing on his chest desperately trying to find it in his sleep filled haze.
“Kats!?” He breathes out, panic clutching at his insides. “Katsuki!?” He’s too panicked to think rationally, doesn’t check the watch, he doesn’t move to check his pulse elsewhere. Too focused on trying to feel the thing in his chest.
“Katsuki please! Wake up! You can’t! Don’t do this to me!” He sobs and he doesn’t notice Katsuki waking up, the blond trying to work out what the fuck was going on and why his boyfriend was hysterical. He can feel Shouto’s hand moving on his chest and pressing down.
“Katsuki please… please don’t. You can’t leave me like this! Wake up! Wake up please! I didn’t tell you… Kats I didn’t tell you I loved you so you can’t die! Please!” Shouto is sobbing, his voice loud and wet, he’s shaking and Katsuki doesn’t understand. He’s alive isn’t he? He sits up and he notices he’s still in his hoodie from the day and it clicks. Shouto can’t feel his heartbeat. He quickly grabs Shouto’s wrist, pulling it under the hoodie and resting the freezing cold hand against his bare skin on his chest. A wrecked sob leaves Shouto’s lips and Katsuki pulls him closer to him, Shouto sits on his lap and tucks his head into his neck as he cries.
“Hey, it’s okay. Shou I’m right here. I promise you, I’m here.” Katsuki runs his hands up and down Shouto’s back, trying to soothe him.
“I… I thought I lost you.” Shouto cries and Katsuki feels his heart ache at the way he sounds.
“I know, baby, I know but I’m not going anywhere. I promise, I’m okay. You need to breathe for me before you hyperventilate.” He keeps repeating these things to Shouto, trying to calm him down. Getting him to follow his breathing pattern.
His door bursts open then, light filtering in from the corridor and Eijirou is standing there looking at the pair.
“I heard Shouto! I panicked and I needed to come see… you’re okay? You’re fine right?” Katsuki looks at his best friend, keeping a tight hold on Shouto and he nods.
“I’m okay, I swear. He panicked, we’re fine. Thank you for checking though.” Katsuki tells him and he watches as Eijirou looks at Shouto’s shaking body as he still cries.
“Is he gonna be okay? Should I get Aizawa?”
“I think we’re okay. I’ll call if I need you to get him though.” Eijirou nods at that and looks at them both before he’s returning to his own room next door.
“Hey, you gave shitty hair quite the fright, Princess.” He says quietly.
“I’m sorry… I’m really sorry Kats.” Shouto’s sobs start to calm down but Katsuki can still feel his tears falling.
“You don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. Can I look at you?” He asks and it takes a little while but Shouto nods and pulls back a little, one of Katsuki’s hands comes up to cup his cheek and he brushes away his tears. Katsuki can still feel his hand on his chest, it’s not as freezing as it had been. He notes that the panic must have made Shouto lose control of his temperatures.
“It’s beating so fast.” Shouto mumbles and Katsuki laughs a little at that.
“Yeah? You scared me a little, I didn’t know how to help you. Adrenaline or something.” Katsuki kisses his forehead.
“You’re here.” Shouto whispers, almost like he didn’t fully believe it.
“I sure am.” A few more tears spill from Shouto’s eyes and Katsuki is there to catch them. “I’m not going to leave you, okay?” Shouto shuffles himself closer to him on his lap and Katsuki smiles. “Not close enough huh?” Shouto shakes his head and Katsuki laughs before Shouto is leaning down and pressing his lips against his. Katsuki wraps his arms around his waist, pulling him as close as he could. He can taste the salty tears on Shouto’s lips but he doesn’t care right now. Shouto pulls back and Katsuki places kisses all over his face making his boyfriend smile and giggle.
“Kats! Stop it.” He laughs and Katsuki looks at him, the moon casting light through his window, Shouto looks beautiful. Even with tears in his eyes, his face a little puffy from the crying. He’s still absolutely stunning, sitting there on his lap, looking like the best thing that ever happened to him. Katsuki kisses him again, couldn’t help it, not when Shouto had made it clear he needed to be closer. When they finally pull away Katsuki is trailing his thumb across Shouto’s bottom lip.
“You feel better?” Katsuki asks him quietly and Shouto just nods making him laugh. He pulls his thumb away and Shouto smiles at him.
“Oh, by the way. I love you too.” Katsuki tells him, and he feels Shouto’s body temperature change. His right side freezing and his left burning. Katsuki sees flickers of fire on his face before Shouto can get control over it and it makes Katsuki laugh loud.
“S-stop! It’s not funny!” Shouto smacks his chest lightly and Katsuki with his hands wrapped around him pulls Shouto forwards, Katsuki’s back falling against the bed and Shouto falling on top of him with a yelp.
“I love you so much, princess.” Katsuki says and it takes everything in Shouto not to lose control of his quirk again.
“I love you too, Kats.” Shouto says and Katsuki is kissing him again until they’re both too tired and are falling asleep. Shouto shuffles to get more comfortable where he lays still on top of Katsuki. His hand moves over to feel his heartbeat and Katsuki runs a hand through his hair soothing him once again.
“Can you feel my heart?” Katsuki asks quietly.
“Yeah. I feel it.” Shouto replies.
“Good. It beats for you.” Katsuki tells him and they both finally drift into a sleep that would be the best sleep they have had in a long time.