Chapter Text
Right from the moment she joined the team, you noticed every last thing about Alex. She was entirely enticing. It wasn’t just her pretty brown hair and eyes, but her sharp intelligence and diligence that kept her on your mind. Of course it helped that she was nice to you, and eager to help and coach you with areas you struggled in.
At first, you’d been quietly relieved when she joined the BAU. You were eager to get the “newbie” tag off your back, and pleased that someone else would step into the firing line. But with Alex’s age, knowledge and expertise, you’d gone back to feeling like you didn’t quite belong. Feeling like an imposter wasn’t new to you, but it hit you harder when you watched the rest of the team work with such skill. You had to work harder than the rest of them to keep up.
It wasn’t long before Alex sensed your unease, somehow able to pick up on your feelings faster than the rest of the team could. Maybe she was just more interested in you than they were. You hoped that was the case.
She came to talk to you privately on a quiet afternoon in the bullpen. For the first time, it wasn’t anything to do with a case. It was personal. You knew you’d never forget that conversation. It seemed to be the start of everything.
“Hey.” She collected herself the chair from Morgan’s desk and sat down across from you, elbows perched forward on her knees and brow furrowed.
“You look like you have something on your mind,” you said.
She smiled. You’d recently discovered it to be such a cute smile. Her strong cheekbones and sparkling eyes and upturned pink lips. “I was going to say the same about you.”
You looked away from her concerned gaze. You didn’t know exactly when the crush started, but you knew it was there and had been for a while. You were hyper fixated on everything about her. Her faint perfume, the warmth of her hand on your arm as she passed, her soft voice floating through the bullpen. You were lucky you could handle a crush, suppressing glances and blushes, otherwise you’d probably not have your job anymore. She was older and more experienced than you. She was married, for God’s sake. Married to a man.
“I’m okay,” you said.
“When I first joined the FBI… things didn’t exactly go how I wanted them to.” She moved her gaze around as she spoke, and you felt bold enough to look back at her. You liked to watch her talk. Language was, after all, her strongest skill. She always seemed at ease and in control during conversation. “I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault. A lot of pressure was on my back. I felt like a failure.”
“How do you-”
She held up a hand to silence you. “I know how it feels to feel helpless… or inexperienced. I was twenty-four when I joined the bureau too.”
That fact surprised you. You could hardly imagine her around your age, a completely fresh face to law enforcement, just like you. She seemed like she had everything in control. You couldn’t possibly think she’d ever struggled.
She continued. “We all know what it’s like to feel out of place. Do you think Hotch knew what he was doing when he joined the FBI?”
Your gaze slipped up to Hotch’s office, and quickly back to Alex. You shot her a sarcastic look.
She laughed lightly. “Alright, that's a bad example. What I’m getting at is that it’s okay to ask for help. In fact it’s expected from a newer agent like yourself. I’m always here when you need something. I want you to be the best you can be at all times.”
From that moment, her promise had rung true. Any case related questions you had, she was happy to answer. She was a wealth of knowledge, and also good company. You enjoyed going to her for help. You enjoyed going to her for conversation. You liked talking to her. She was magnetic. It helped that she seemed to get more attractive every time you saw her.
During a particularly difficult case, the two of you became closer than ever. It was something you were equally thankful and distressed for. The closer you got to her and the more you knew about her, the harder it would be to suppress how you felt in her presence.
It was unusual for you to feel so affected by the cases you saw at work, normally so great at keeping a blank expression when the team was dealt a new case. It made you a great poker player, it made you a better FBI agent. Though the current case was rough for you, a little too familiar and too close to home. It probably didn’t help that you were sleep deprived either, and highly strung with emotions.
The team were discussing theories of behaviour. You had all gathered around the table with Garcia on the computer screen. The team knew the profile was solid but nobody could figure out the part of the profile they were missing. You kept your eyes on your hands during the conversation, twisting the ring around your index finger in distraction.
“We know our UNSUB is organised. But he is killing so quickly. He’s accelerating.”
“The thrill of the kill is becoming overwhelming. Because he’s targeting prostitutes, he can easily get the high he needs when he wants to.”
You watched as your body began to shake. It started with your fingers, like an illness suddenly plaguing you. The shake travelled up to your hands, and you felt dizzy. You recognised this response from previous moments. You were shutting down. It was a safety mechanism.
“We know this isn’t about convenience, he’s targeting these particular women for a reason.”
The team didn’t notice, thankfully, as your eyes began to cloud with tears. Everything was blurry in front of your eyes, like somebody had smeared grease over your vision.
“We know he has something of a core hatred against these women specifically.”
Before you broke down completely in front of the entire police station, you excused yourself through a mumble, a scrape of the plastic chair and a shove into Spencer’s shoulder as you went. You didn’t stop to apologise like you normally would’ve. You were eager to get away before you lost it completely.
You reached the bathroom just before tears spilt down your cheeks, flowing uncontrollably as you placed both hands on the sink and stared at your reflection. Waterproof mascara, a brilliant invention, kept your makeup around your eyes in place, though the rims were red and the vein at your right temple was visible. You felt ridiculous, the team were just bouncing ideas.
A comforting voice drifted down the corridor as she called your name. “Are you alright?”
You cursed, wiping your palms over your cheeks and quickly running your fingers through your hair. Your skin was already blotchy, there was no hiding how you were reacting to this particular case.
The source of the comforting voice appeared around the corner. Alex had promptly rushed into the bathroom after you. She looked revealed to see you when she met your gaze in the bathroom mirror. Her gaze was reassuring. Her dark eyes were filled with concern, real concern. Not the concern that others had when you started crying, but the concern that showed you she actually cared.
Seeing her standing there as the person who’d come to comfort you, made you break down slightly more.
“I’m fine,” you choked, averting your eyes back to the sink.
“I’m not sure I’d agree.”
You reached over for a paper towel from the dispenser but Alex moved swiftly towards you. You moved your eyes up again to see her rummage in her pocket, retrieving a small packet of tissues. She offered them to you kindly.
You turned around and met her face to face. She smiled and came to stand beside you, handing a few clean tissues you could use.
You thought of how suddenly you’d reacted in the other room and a wave of embarrassment hit you. You wanted to hide. “Thank you, Alex, but I’m fine, really.”
She shook her head. “You haven’t been fine since this case started. I have an instinct for these things.”
“Oh? Was it the chair falling over or shoving Reid out of the way that confirmed it?” You dabbed your eyes with the tissue.
She smiled and nudged your shoulder with hers playfully. It was a way of telling you not to get too upset. You tried to ignore the welcome heat her shoulder had left, despite her blazer sleeve in the way of your skin touching. The gesture was very intimate.
“I didn’t sleep last night,” you admitted. “The case is… a lot for me.”
She was looking straight at you, not taking her gaze from the side of your face. You kept your eyes on one of the bathroom stalls, willing not to meet her gaze. You were pleased the bathroom was empty. Each stall door was slightly ajar in vacancy. You hadn’t even looked before you broke down.
“You don’t have to share, but do you want to tell me about it?”
You paused, ready to shake your head as always. Barely anyone knew the secret you’d been hiding the majority of your life. None of your newer acquaintances knew, anyway. You stopped telling people after a few first dates got freaked out and never called you back. The nickname of “crazy trauma chick” cycled through a few friend groups, and you eventually tried to pretend it didn’t happen. Though, that obviously wasn’t helping. Suppressing everything seemed to be making it worse.
This time, however, something made you want to talk. It was Alex, you knew. She was there for you, like always. You opened your mouth, but realised you didn’t know how to put it into words.
Another tear rolled down your cheek and Alex reacted to comfort you. Her hand slowly slipped to your back and began to rub small, gentle circles. It was a simple comfort, but it made butterflies flutter wildly in your stomach. It felt like she’d lit a flame against you, igniting a pleasant heat in your whole body. Her hand was magnified against your back. You felt yourself blush and turned your head away completely. So much for being able to handle a crush.
“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t want to force you.”
You exhaled deeply and looked back at her. “No. I need to.”
She was there to listen. Many therapists had said you needed someone to share your traumas with. It was time to get it off of your chest. “When I was fifteen, my Mom fell into a habit of drinking. It got so bad that after a while my Dad got so fed up and left. It left Mom struggling a lot as she needed to look after me and my brother by herself.”
Alex’s comforting expression didn’t change. She was nodding gently, her hand still moving supportingly on your back.
“Mom went out… to work on the streets, to get some money. She did it for me and my brother. Though I know she didn’t know I knew… I’ve always been perceptive like that I guess. She would always come home late, but one night, she never came back.”
Just a few sentences, and your biggest secret was laid out in the open. You put it simply, because it was simple. Your Mother had been found murdered the next morning and you and your brother had been left without someone to look after you.
You expected Alex to be like the others. Apologise for your sake, tell you how sorry she was and how strong you were, promptly pat or squeeze your shoulder and not speak to you again for a few weeks, or ever again. But instead she stayed quiet for a while, pondering what you’d said.
“I had a son,” she said after what seemed like a very pregnant silence.
You took a sharp intake of breath at her use of the word ‘had.’ For the first time since she entered the bathroom you turned to look at her properly. Her expression was blank and it was her turn to avoid eye contact. Up close, you could see how long her dark eyelashes were, highlighted against her pale skin and brown hair, parted on one side and allowing you to study the features of her face you never got the chance to see up close. The slope of her nose and little lines around her eyes.
“His name was Ethan. My beautiful miracle. He always brightened my mood. Not unlike your ability to make me smile, actually.”
You felt your heart stop. She just revealed something she liked about you, but you couldn’t stop to revel in the compliment. You had a sinking feeling about where her story was going.
“He was nine when he passed away. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong. It was something neurological.”
Like your confession, she said it simply and quickly. Both of you fell quiet and left the heavy information to sit in the air of the quiet bathroom. As a lemon scented air freshener hissed, you were sure it wasn’t the place she’d imagined sharing that information, just as you hadn’t.
“I’m sure he was wonderful,” you said. “Wonderful like you.”
Alex turned and studied you with her dark gaze. Her expression was sad. You shared a look, condolences for each other and a deep understanding. Two different traumas, two very deep losses. It was the most intimate moment you’d shared with each other. “I understand why the case hits too close to home for you, though, with your Mom.”
You nodded, wiping your cheeks for what you hoped was the last time. “I didn’t expect to tell you this.”
“Likewise. It feels right to tell you, though.”
You weren’t sure what that meant exactly, but you agreed. You looked at each other for a long time, and you hoped she didn’t notice how your gaze slipped to her lips for a second. It was electrifying, as tiny sparks seemed to bounce between the two of you.
A voice called you and Alex’s names, breaking the trance you’d both slipped into.
You turned your head so fast it was like you’d been slapped. You didn’t want to get caught looking so longingly at your colleague. You looked to the bathroom door where JJ promptly appeared. She seemed relieved to have found both of you.
“We’ve got a suspect. Garcia found an address.” She offered a gaze that said ‘hurry up’ and left the room just as quickly as she’d appeared.
At some point of JJ’s arrival, Alex had removed her hand from your back and shifted further away from you, a little more gently than the way you’d turned away from looking at her lips. You felt exposed and cold without her comforting you.
“Well. There’s the reason why we do this whole thing.” You stood up straighter and smoothed your jacket. It was something to say and something to do to break the silence. “To catch evil. To make the world a better place. To bring understanding to those who need it.”
She nodded, a sudden expression on her face that you couldn’t read as she got up and left the bathroom. You knew that the moment of looking at each other was too intimate, too soon. You’d let your guard down again. It was just a matter of time before you got hurt again. You didn’t want to lose Alex.