Archive of Our Own

Jeongin walked through the store's aisles slowly, inspecting every piece of clothing. He wasn’t looking for anything in particular – he was just trying to find inspiration for the gift he would eventually have to buy for later that week.

‘Found anything?’ asked Jisung, from the aisle next to Jeongin’s.

Jeongin shook his head just as Jisung walked up to him. ‘Maybe clothes are not the way to go.’

‘If you told me who you have I would be able to help, you know,’ said Jisung, smiling brightly at him.

Jeongin shook his head quickly. ‘That’s not how it works.’

How it worked was that because they had better things to do than to spend money on seven individual gifts, his friend group did a secret santa every year. At this point, it was hard to remember whose idea it had been – it was just a tradition now. Chan was the one in charge of the technical side of things. He used a shitty website he had found and each of them got the name of the person they had to give a gift to through an email. It was better than drawing papers – at least that’s what Chan said. Minho said it also helped global warming to avoid using paper. Jeongin just assumed that if they were to draw physical papers, at least one of them would find a way to read them when no one was looking. And that someone was probably Jisung or Changbin.

‘I could have you for all you know.’

Jisung smirked. ‘Doubt you would have brought me shopping with you if that was the case.’

Jeongin tried to ignore him but he was right. Jisung's wasn’t the name he had seen in his email. It was Seungmin’s. And anyone that knew them would have told him that it was the easiest gift to make. He was the person he spent the most time with and possibly the person he knew the best in the entire world. He didn’t usually say it out loud because he thought it sounded stupid, but Seungmin was in every sense of the word his best friend.

But that only made it harder. Jeongin had too much pressure on him. It would’ve been different if he were to have Felix or Hyunjin. He could buy the most basic thing and they would be happy with that. Seungmin would also be happy with a basic thing. But it wasn’t the same. Jeongin couldn’t afford to buy a basic gift for Seungmin of all people.

‘I think everyone should make a list of things they want,’ he stated when they left the store empty-handed.

‘I think that defeats the purpose,’ answered Jisung. ‘Like, it’s supposed to be a surprise.’

‘So that defeats the purpose, but me telling you who I have doesn’t?’

‘We can help each other out, Yang.’

Jeongin hummed and took his phone to answer the message Seungmin had sent him about meeting later at his apartment.

‘At least I know you don’t have Seungmin,’ said Jisung suddenly, and it made Jeongin look up from his phone. ‘You wouldn’t be so lost if you did. You would just buy him matching something and he would be happy.’

‘What do you mean?’

Jisung shrugged. ‘You always have matching phone cases, and hoodies, and pajamas, and basically everything… You would’ve been happy if you were twins.’

He wasn’t wrong but that was more a thing Seungmin did, and Jeongin ran with it. If Seungmin bought a hoodie he liked, he recommend the same one to Jeongin but slightly different and Jeongin ended up buying it for himself. And it was like that with basically any item of clothing or accessory. It was just the way things had been for a while. They liked the same things and had similar tastes so it worked. Felix asked them once why they couldn’t just share clothes, but Jeongin would never wear someone else’s clothes and Seungmin felt the same. And they didn’t try to match. Just sometimes in the morning, Jeongin would get a message from Seungmin saying he was wearing the blue sweatshirt with the puppy in the middle and that he thought it would be cool if Jeongin wore his blue sweatshirt with the bear in the middle. And Jeongin did. Because it was fun and it was nice. Sometimes they truly didn’t even try and they would find themselves wearing the same hoodie or bringing the same clothes to sleep in when they stayed over at someone’s house. Jeongin couldn’t deny it was fun. But it was Seungmin, it had always been Seungmin who did that. The one who came up with those things. The one that made them match. The one that every time he found something he liked, he assumed Jeongin would like it too. And he was right every single time.

Jeongin couldn’t remember exactly when it started. It was sometime around the third year of college, probably. By then, Seungmin had already been in his life for more than two years. They met on orientation day and stuck together for the remaining years of college. Even when they met more people and built a bigger friend group, they still stuck to each other. Seungmin felt safe. He always had. And they worked together. They fit together like two pieces in a puzzle. And Jeongin didn’t think much of it. Sure, Seungmin annoyed him at times, but a normal amount, and maybe less than everyone else.

The bottom line was: Jeongin never bought anything matching for them. That was all Seungmin. He wasn’t about to change that now.

‘Yeah well, I don’t have Seungmin so,’ he muttered and Jisung nodded, fully believing him.

‘Better, I guess,’ said Jisung, and Jeongin looked at him confused. ‘One more matching thing and I’m gonna have to start believing you’re secretly dating.’

Jeongin was even more confused. ‘Why would we be dating just because of matching clothes?’

Jisung shrugged. ‘You don’t buy matching things with anyone.’

‘It’s not a tattoo, Jisung.’

‘I don’t know, dude. I would get a matching tattoo with Changbin but I would never get a matching hoodie with him. I feel like friends are more likely to get matching tattoos than matching hoodies.’

‘That’s a stupid thought. It’s just clothes.’

Jisung scoffed. ‘Okay, so you’re telling me that if Seungmin were to show up and give someone else an item to match with something he has, you wouldn’t care?’

Jeongin shrugged it off. ‘It’s just things.’

And he meant it. Until he didn’t.

* * *

Seungmin and Jeongin had a sort of tradition of their own, one that no one in the group was part of except for the two of them. They watched one Christmas movie for every day in December – an advent calendar of some sort but it lasted until December 31st. They picked the movies together and some of the movies they had already watched too many times but they still enjoyed every part of it.

That tradition started before the matching items did. It was during the exam period in their first semester of their second year of college, when Christmas was right around the corner and they both got too overwhelmed to exist. Seungmin came up with the idea of meeting every day to watch a movie – to relax, to forget the world. Sure, there were times they were literally studying while watching the movie but it did give them the illusion of breathing fresh air. It made it easier. And even if they weren’t in college anymore, they still stuck to that tradition. It wasn’t even a question. It was just like the secret santa that kept going even though everyone had a bit more money than when they were broke students. Jeongin was still broke but he was getting there.

‘Did you find something?’

Jeongin stopped midway putting popcorn in his mouth. ‘What?’ He didn’t look away from the screen where Home Alone was playing – a movie Jeongin hadn’t watched before he met Seungmin and which Seungmin forced on him saying it was a crime to not know it. It was now their third time watching it.

‘You went shopping for the secret santa with Jisung today, right?’ asked Seungmin, and it managed to get Jeongin’s attention as he looked away from the screen.

‘How do you know about that?’

Seungmin shrugged just as he put popcorn in his mouth. ‘He mentioned it on the group chat. Didn’t think it was a secret.’

‘I-It isn’t.’

Jeongin should start checking that group chat more often, and to be fair he did sometimes. He never caught up to old messages and that was the problem. He just entered the chat and talked when he had the time, but he was bad at catching up with past “content” – as Changbin called it.

‘I didn’t find anything,’ answered Jeongin eventually and Seungmin nodded slowly. ‘What about you? Do you have your gift yet?’

Seungmin nodded. ‘I mean not yet but I already know what I’m getting. It was easy for once.’

With the way Seungmin was smiling, Jeongin found himself wishing Seungmin had him of all people. But the possibilities were low, though not impossible. It happened last year that Minho got Hyunjin and Hyunjin got Minho. Jeongin didn’t even remember what they got each other, but he did remember that incident making everyone realize that Chan’s sketchy website could allow that type of thing to happen.

‘So you’re happy with who you got?’

‘Yup. You?’

Jeongin shrugged. ‘It’s been easier.’

Last year he got Felix so it was really easy – he bought him new things for his computer and Felix was the happiest. Then again, making Felix happy was pretty easy.

‘Well, if you need help, you could always tell me who you got.’

Jeongin scoffed. ‘In your dreams.’

‘You told me last year!’

By now, none of them was watching the screen, but Jeongin could tell exactly what scene was playing just by the voices that were now just background noise to their conversation.

‘Yeah, well, this year I decided to be a grown-up.’

Seungmin raised an eyebrow. ‘Either that or you got me.’

Jeongin rolled his eyes and prayed that the redness of his face wouldn’t betray him. He sucked at lying, especially to Seungmin. ‘You fucking wish.’

‘To be honest, I hope you don’t have me.’ Jeongin was about to protest but Seungmin simply looked away from him before saying: ‘You would drive yourself insane over it.’

He was clearly so right about that.

‘You think too highly of yourself, Kim Seungmin.’

Seungmin hummed. ‘You just love me too much.’

‘Again: you fucking wish.’

Seungmin smiled slightly, put popcorn in his mouth, and whispered: ‘I really do.’

Jeongin frowned. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Seungmin turned to him. ‘It’s a joke.’

‘I don’t get it,’ answered Jeongin, quickly feeling his cheeks burning up.

Did Seungmin want him to love him? What did that imply? What did the word love imply here? And why the hell was Jeongin thinking of this? It didn’t mean anything. Of course it wasn’t meant to mean anything.

‘Nothing, it’s whatever.’ Seungmin turned away. ‘Can we focus on the movie already? Unless you’re going to tell me who you got for the secret Santa.’

‘I won’t tell in a million years.’

‘Then watch the movie.’

‘I’ve seen it a hundred times, it’s not like I’m gonna miss out on anything new.’

Jeongin grabbed his phone out of spite, to piss off Seungmin and prove his point. But before he could even look at the screen, Seungmin grabbed his wrist.

‘Never underestimate the power of Home Alone.’

Jeongin let out a heavy sigh and let go of his phone and so Seungmin let go of his wrist. And it felt strangely bizarre, like something was suddenly missing, like his skin was burning without Seungmin touching him.

‘Do you have beers?’ he asked, getting up from the couch. He needed an excuse to get away from Seungmin, maybe that way he would feel normal again.

Seungmin looked up at him and nodded. ‘Yeah, of course, you know where they are.’

Jeongin did. Because Jeongin knew everything about Seungmin’s place, everything about Kim Seungmin. And yet he couldn’t think of a gift.

He spaced out looking around Seungmin’s small kitchen, with a beer in his hand. He looked at every detail, thinking of what might be missing. Everything was neatly organized, and everything was in perfect condition. Seungmin didn’t need anything to improve his living condition. For some reason that made his heart ache but he related it to the fact that no clue could be found there for a gift.

What made him go back to reality was the touch of someone grabbing his waist. He jumped out and almost dropped his beer. When he turned around he found Seungmin as surprised as him.

‘Dude, what’s up with you today? I was telling you to bring me a beer as well.’

‘S-Sorry I didn’t hear you.’

Seungmin laughed slightly. ‘Clearly. My apartment is not big enough for you not to hear me from the couch.’

Seungmin’s apartment was cozy. Jeongin liked it more than his own place. Even though he was grateful to have parents that could afford to pay rent for him in the city, his place wasn’t the best. It was just one room that was shared between a bedroom, kitchen, and shower – at least he had a shower. It wasn’t very spacious and was fine most days, but Seungmin’s place was considerably better. For once, it was bigger. It had a proper bathroom, a proper bedroom, and a proper living room where he had set up the couch and the tv, and it was shared with his small kitchen. Any time Jeongin needed time away from his small place and his own thoughts, he would go to Seungmin’s apartment. It almost felt like a second home, in the weirdest way possible.

Seungmin bent down to get a beer, opened it, and brought it to his lips to take the first sip. He looked back at Jeongin and scoffed: ‘What the hell did Jisung do to you today?’

Jeongin didn’t know either. It felt like he had gone into his brain and changed the chemicals. Why did he shiver when Seungmin put his hand through his hair to mess with it and piss him off? Why did he feel out of breath? What was happening to him?

* * *

He did end up finding a gift for him. A hoodie. It was navy blue and seemed comfortable enough. Jeongin ended up going for the most basic thing and he knew Seungmin would be happy with it because Seungmin loved hoodies. He literally couldn’t have enough of hoodies. Jeongin would make fun of him if he wasn’t the same – though Jeongin did have more varied clothes.

The truth was that he wasn’t totally satisfied with it, far from it. But he was sick of thinking so much about it. Their Christmas tradition forced Jeongin to see Seungmin every day for at least two hours and then the rest of the day he was thinking about what to give him. He spent way too much time thinking of Seungmin and Jeongin came to the conclusion that that was the problem. And also the pressure of that goddamn secret santa. He did remember being nervous around Felix last year as well – kind of.

So Jeongin bought the hoodie he knew Seungmin had been eyeing for a while and bought a card with some lame joke on it. They didn’t have to do the card thing the first year of their secret santa, but Chan came up with the idea after the second year. A lot of the time, they couldn’t afford a big expensive gift and while they tried their best to make it meaningful, sometimes it just didn’t work out. So Chan thought it would be a good idea to add cards to make it more personal. Jeongin stared at the blank space inside his card for a while before simply writing: Merry Christmas dude. Personal enough for now. Jeongin wasn’t about to go all emotional and sentimental over nothing.

He turned up to Chan’s apartment later that day, knowing perfectly that most people wouldn’t be there yet. And indeed, when he walked into the spacious living room after Chan let him in, the only faces he saw were Seungmin’s and Felix’s. Chan’s apartment was perfect for meetings – it was arguably the biggest apartment of them all. His roommates were rarely around and even when they were, they were never a bother. The times they did hang out with them, they were always nice. Everyone liked them.

Jeongin decided to avoid sitting next to Seungmin by taking his place on the couch next to Felix. And it’s only when Jeongin got up to get another drink in the kitchen, half an hour later, and Seungmin followed him that they talked.

‘Hey, you okay?’

Jeongin nodded just as he took the first sip of his beer.

‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

Seungmin shrugged. ‘I don’t know… You left this morning before I woke up and now you’re barely looking at me. Did I do something wrong?’

Seungmin wasn’t wrong in pointing out that something was off. To keep up with the busy schedule their tradition demanded, they had planned a sleepover at Seungmin’s place the day before in order to watch the movie of the day as soon as the clock hit midnight. But after watching that movie, Jeongin was absolutely incapable of sleeping. He felt nervous just by hearing Seungmin’s breathing so close to him. He couldn’t really understand why when god knows how many times they had shared a much smaller space – proximity had literally never been an issue before. Now it apparently was. So Jeongin waited until it was time to catch the first bus and left without making a sound. A few hours later, he showed up at Chan’s place and barely said a word to Seungmin. So yes, something was definitely off but not even he knew what. Jeongin hoped it would all go back to normal after he gave Seungmin his stupid hoodie.

‘No, you didn’t,’ answered Jeongin. ‘I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep at all and I took the first bus home. I forgot to text you, sorry.’

Seungmin shook his head slowly. ‘No, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I just got a bit worried.’

Seungmin instinctively tried to rearrange the hair that had moved onto Jeongin’s forehead, like he usually did, but Jeongin flinched. Seungmin noticed right away and froze. Before he could say anything, Changbin entered the kitchen to grab a beer for himself. Jeongin used the distraction to run out of the kitchen and regain his seat on the couch next to Felix. Jisung arrived just in time to sit on his left side. Even though he started a conversation with both of them, Seungmin’s stare on him when he came back from the kitchen with Changbin was impossible to ignore. But Jeongin didn’t dare to stare back.

Jeongin was the one to push everyone to open the gifts as soon as possible. He simply hated feeling this anxious around his best friend, his ride-or-die, the person he trusted the most in the world. He just wanted things to go back to normal.

And so it started. Like every year, because he was the oldest, Chan started out by giving out his gift – this year to Changbin. Changbin had Minho, Minho had Felix; and in a fun twist of events: Felix had Jeongin this year around. He gave him a box of legos like the ones he had always loved to build. Jeongin was ecstatic, especially because it meant it was finally his turn to give Seungmin his gift. He would be free. He could already feel the weight leaving his shoulders. He didn’t even make a joke or try to confuse everyone; he simply got up, grabbed the bag in which he had wrapped the hoodie, and handed it to Seungmin – not without Jisung lowkey screaming “Wait really!?” in the process. Seungmin didn’t have any particular reaction to it apart from a soft smile, and it felt weird because any other day he would’ve made a big deal out of it and he would’ve at least tried to hug him. But this time he didn’t. And Jeongin knew it was his own fault, and he hated himself for it.

Seungmin opened the wrapping paper to unveil the hoodie Jeongin had bought him. Something went through his eyes and weirdly enough Jeongin wasn't able to identify exactly what. Seungmin laughed slightly at the card and simply said: ‘Thank you, I love it.’

And that was it. No hug, no affection, just a thank you. It made Jeongin feel strangely empty. That’s what he had brought on himself after all. He was the one to push Seungmin away. Seungmin was only respecting his wishes. After all these years of playfully pulling away from Seungmin’s affection, Jeongin never thought he would find himself craving it.

No one seemed to notice anything odd was going on as his friends pushed Seungmin to give out his gift. That’s exactly what he did as he handed Hyunjin a little box. Hyunjin quickly unwrapped it and everyone saw the shine of a discreet bracelet with a diadem on it in the shape of a clover. It wasn’t any bracelet though. It resembled the one Seungmin wore all the time, but the one he wore had a diadem in the shape of a guitar. It was the same bracelet. It was a matching bracelet.

‘I remembered you liking mine, so I thought it’d buy you a similar one.’

Hyunjin’s face seemed to shine at the look of the bracelet and asked quickly for Seungmin to put the bracelet on his wrist. Jeongin could see just how happy Hyunjin was with the gift, but something inside of him was aching. It was like he was running out of air, like something was blocking his chest, and he couldn’t figure out what it was or why it was happening.

‘I guess you were right,’ whispered Jisung next to him, as they watched Hyunjin hug and thank Seungmin. ‘It doesn’t really matter that much – the whole matching thing.’

Jeongin simply hummed. He didn’t know what to say or to think. It bothered him. It made him sick. Why was Seungmin giving a matching item to Hyunjin? And it wasn’t anything. It wasn’t a stupid hoodie, or a shirt. It was his bracelet. The one he always wore. The one he never took off. Jeongin felt stupid as jealousy took over his entire body in a way he had never experienced before. He felt like throwing up, but instead of that he simply downed his beer and drank as much as possible.

Hyunjin got a matching item. Hyunjin got a bracelet. Hyunjin got a proper smile from Seungmin. Hyunjin got a hug. Jeongin didn’t, and he was his best friend, not Hyunjin. This didn’t feel right. This wasn’t right. And yet, he couldn’t say a thing about it.

* * *

‘I don’t get how this movie is considered a romcom.’

Jeongin let out a heavy sigh at hearing Hyunjin’s voice again in the middle of watching the movie.

‘It’s just a movie, Hyunjin,’ he said, trying to mask his annoyance.

Seungmin had invited Hyunjin to watch the movie with them this time around. He had texted Jeongin to ask him if it was okay right before, because they had never invited anyone to their movie “dates” before. Apparently they had been hanging out during the afternoon and Seungmin felt bad to kick him out of the apartment or something like that. Even if jealousy was eating Jeongin alive, it still didn’t feel right to say no to Seungmin’s request, and pushing Hyunjin felt all kinds of morally wrong. It wasn’t that deep after all. It was just a stupid tradition. And yet, he couldn’t help himself from being highly annoyed at both of them as if either of them had done something inherently wrong.

‘It’s considered a classic though! You would think it’s more romantic. Like, okay, let’s look at the situation, shall we? This guy treats this girl he barely interacts with like absolute shit because apparently, he’s in love with her. I won’t even touch on the messaging of that. On top of that, she married his best friend! And this fucking ass scene with the signs, he’s telling him he loves her when his best friend is literally inside the house. He’s just a shitty person and she is too. This is what I call cheating emotionally – nothing romantic about that.”

Jeongin wasn’t even sure Hyunjin had taken a breath even once that whole rant, but he was glad it was over because he could now go back to focusing on the movie. To be fair, Hyunjin had a point. Love Actually was far from being Jeongin’s favorite Christmas movie, or favorite movie altogether for that matter. Jeongin was simply too annoyed at his existence to agree with him right now. Seungmin’s soft smile made Jeongin’s blood boil even more.

‘It’s just a movie, Hyunjin,’ said Seungmin, repeating Jeongin’s words. ‘I don’t think it’s supposed to be that deep, you know?’

‘I don’t know, I just don’t want to see any other reference to this moment in pop culture again or I’ll go insane. How can this be seen as the epitome of love?’

‘So what’s the epitome of love for you? Fucking matching bracelets?’

Hyunjin and Seungmin turned to Jeongin confused.

‘What?’ was all that left Hyunjin’s mouth at first. ‘What are you even talking about?’

‘Whatever, can you watch the fucking movie instead of moaning about it?’

Even Jeongin got shocked at the words coming out of his mouth. Hyunjin and Seungmin stared surprised and Hyunjin whispered a soft ‘Sorry.’ Jeongin quickly shook his head.

‘No, no, I’m sorry, I just… I’m tired. Just finish the movie without me, I’ve already seen it anyway.’ Jeongin got up from the couch. He just knew he needed to let himself out of the situation. He needed to be by himself even for just five minutes.

‘Where are you going?’ asked Seungmin. He didn’t seem mad. He seemed more worried than anything else. Part of Jeongin hated him for it. Why was he perfect? Why couldn’t he be mad? Why couldn’t he scream at him for being a shitty friend?

‘I’m just going to take some fresh air.’

He headed out of Seungmin’s apartment and climbed to the roof of the building. It was a small building, not too high, as it had only a couple of floors. He regretted not taking the time to bring his coat with him because as soon as he calmed down, the freezing air hit his face, and moving his fingers started to hurt. But he still wasn’t ready to go back down. He needed the cold. He needed to be brought back to the ground from whatever high he was – even though it felt more like hell.

Jeongin always loved the Christmas lights. They were the best part of Christmas in his eyes. He loved the movies with Seungmin and baking cookies with Seungmin but, most of all, he loved the lights. Everything else had a way to turn sad and depressing. Not the lights. The lights were always beautiful.

And even so, he couldn’t stop the tears from running down his cheek and he felt so incredibly stupid. Who cared if Seungmin gave Hyunjin a matching bracelet? It was just a bracelet. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean Seungmin was replacing him or that he was going anywhere. Seungmin was still his best friend. Seungmin was still there. Seungmin-

He heard the creak of the door opening behind him and then close. Jeongin wiped his tears quickly with the sleeves of his hoodie and turned to see Seungmin standing there with a smile and Jeongin’s coat in hand.

‘You forgot your coat. Thought you would get cold.’

Jeongin turned around and Seungmin approached him. He placed the coat slowly on top of Jeongin’s shoulders and stared at the lights as well. They remained silent for a moment before Jeongin dared to move and put his coat on properly.

Seungmin waited a few minutes more before saying: ‘I’m aware I’ve asked this several times already and I promise this will be the last time but… Are you okay? What’s going on with you? You’ve been weird for weeks now.’

‘Yeah, all good,’ answered Jeongin, only his answer came out way weaker than he intended to. He would’ve liked to act like he didn’t care. Because he shouldn’t.

‘You sure? Because I know you and I-’

‘Can you drop it, Seungmin?’ he interrupted harshly, looking at him. Seungmin stared, mouth open, and eventually nodded slowly.

‘Did I do something wrong? Did something happen?’

‘I told you to drop it.’

Seungmin blinked at him. ‘I don’t want to. You’re my best friend, Jeongin, and I care so much about you,’ Jeongin looked away to avoid Seungmin from seeing the tears that were forming again in his eyes. ‘I can see something is bothering you. I can see you’re in pain…’ Jeongin scoffed. ‘I don’t want you to keep this shit, whatever it is, to yourself. That will only hurt you. Just let me help. Let me try to fix it.’

Jeongin finally looked at him. ‘That’s what you don’t get! There’s nothing to fix! Because nothing is wrong! Nothing should be wrong!’ He felt himself breaking as the tears kept running down his cheeks and Seungmin stood frozen in front of him. He tried to put one hand on his shoulder to comfort him but Jeongin stepped back.

‘Innie…’

‘Stop, just fucking stop.’

Seungmin bit on his lower lip. ‘Just tell me what I can do to make it better. It doesn’t matter if it’s stupid. I won’t ask questions. If you need me to kill someone, I will. If you need me to bury a body, I will. I hope you know that.’

Jeongin smiled slightly and wiped his tears away. ‘No one needs to be murdered.’

Seungmin tilted his head. ‘But is there something I can do?’

Jeongin hesitated for a few moments before shaking his head and repeating: ‘Just drop it.’

‘I don’t want to. Not when you’re going to be like this and try pushing everyone away.’

‘Seungmin-’

‘I’m serious, Jeongin. Fuck, we’re your friends. I'm your friend and-’

‘I don’t want you to buy matching items for anyone other than me! It pisses me off! Happy!?’

Seungmin blinked at him in silence, and Jeongin was starting to grow impatient. Of course Seungmin was confused and he had all the right to be pissed at him as well. Jeongin’s demand was irrational at best. But this had him in such an awful state of feelings, one he had never experienced before. He wanted that to stop. He wanted things back to normal. That’s what he wanted.

‘You know what? You pushed me! I didn’t want to tell you because I know how stupid I sound and-’

All of a sudden a soft voice saying ‘Okay’ interrupted him.

Jeongin froze. ‘W-What?’

‘I won’t buy matching items for anyone other than you.’

‘What do you mean? I’m being an irrational jealous asshole over nothing.’

Seungmin laughed slightly amused and shrugged. ‘I don’t know, it’s kind of our thing. I get it. And if it makes you this miserable then it is really not worth it. I don’t think I can take back the bracelet from Hyunjin though but maybe we can steal it.’

Jeongin smiled amused and shook his head. ‘I don’t think that’s necessary.’

Seungmin nodded slowly. ‘Good… Because I would hate to steal from my friends but I follow you.’

Jeongin mumbled a soft “thank you” and Seungmin nodded, as if it was obvious, as if Seungmin accommodating him was a given. They stayed on the roof staring at the lights for a few more minutes. Jeongin felt the cold creeping in inside his coat.

Before, he would’ve reached for Seungmin. He would’ve waited for Seungmin to hug him and warm him up. He would’ve maybe put his hand on Seungmin’s pocket so that their hands could find some warmth together. But this time, Jeongin didn’t do any of those. Neither did Seungmin.

Things weren’t back to normal yet.

* * *

New year's eve came in the blink of an eye and Jeongin found himself back at Chan’s place – this time way more people were there. Chan had invited everyone in the group and some other friends of his, and his roommates had also invited their own friends. Part of Jeongin was glad because it meant he could easily avoid seeing Seungmin. Because yes: he was still avoiding him. Kind of. He still saw him every day to watch movies, but the tradition was finally over. In Jeongin’s mind, he would take a few days off, disappear for a bit, and come back when he feels normal again.

He walked through the party with his glass of soda mixed with a bit of vodka, looking for a familiar face - anyone’s but Seungmin. Even if Chan was the one to open the door for him, he was also talking with almost everyone at the party. Jeongin didn’t feel like following him around and meeting new people. If he thought about it, the only person he did want to spend time with was the one he was avoiding, because he was sick of the nervousness, the shaky breaths, the shivering, and the overthinking.

Unfortunately for him, that person had other plans in mind for him.

It was a few minutes after Jeongin managed to find Jisung and start talking to him that he felt someone grabbing onto his hand and dragging him out of the circle Jeongin had formed around him. Jeongin wasn’t even able to ask what was going on because of how loud the music was and the way Seungmin didn’t seem to really care if he wanted to follow him or not. And suddenly, Jeongin found himself sitting on the bed of one of Chan’s roommates with Seungmin locking the door behind him.

‘What’s happening?’

‘Sorry,’ whispered Seungmin. ‘Didn’t mean to scare you.’

‘It’s okay,’ managed to mumble Jeongin even though the whole thing was inexplicably taking his breath away. Maybe it was the alcohol or the lighting in that room that only gave colorful changing lights between purple, blue and pink. It made Seungmin look strangely handsome, with his fluffy dark brown hair almost covering his eyes and the lights reflecting on his light gray hoodie. And all Jeongin was doing was sitting there, out of breath and feeling like his heart was going to jump out of his chest and break all his bones. Alcohol was having a very strange effect on him today – he still brought the glass he was holding to his lips and took another long sip. It took him a while to look back at Seungmin, who was still standing back against the closed door. ‘What’s up?’

It was the most unnatural and awkward “what’s up” either of them had ever heard. Jeongin never said that. Jeongin wasn’t a “what’s up” guy, he just couldn’t pull off how casual it was – not on a regular day, less today, and much less in front of the person who arguably knew him the most in the world. It was obvious just by the way Seungmin chuckled.

‘I actually wanted to give you something.’

An even bigger panic – if that was even possible – took over Jeongin, and he only managed to answer back with a simple sound: ‘Huh?’

It was also at that moment that he realized why Seungmin had been standing the whole time back against the door: he was holding something behind him.

‘Yeah, I bought you something for Christmas.’ Jeongin was about to argue but Seungmin quickly placed his index finger on his lips. This time, Jeongin didn’t flinch at the touch, even if he could almost taste the salt left over from chips on Seungmin’s finger. ‘And before you say anything, please let me talk. Because I know you and I know exactly what you’re going to say – that I didn’t have to do that, that I didn’t pick you for the secret santa therefore I shouldn’t be giving you anything, that this isn’t how it works, that I’m not supposed to give you something back – but that’s the thing. I bought you this before I knew you picked me. I actually had no idea you had picked me until Christmas.’

Jeongin nodded slowly, not taking his eyes away from Seungmin’s, and Seungmin finally removed his finger from his lips. Seungmin stared at him in silence for a moment, as if contemplating every single one of his features. At least that’s how it felt to Jeongin – or what he wanted Seungmin to be looking at.

‘I wanted to give you something because I’ve actually always wanted to do it, but this is the first time I can afford to. And it isn’t anything big either. But it’s actually quite funny.’ Seungmin chuckled as if laughing at an inside joke he was the only one to be part of it. ‘But yeah, anyway, I wasn’t sure when to give it to you. I was planning to do it on the morning before Chan’s but…’

But I left.

Jeongin found himself hurting at the thought of Seungmin going to sleep that night next to him thinking he would give him his gift the next morning when they woke up. Instead, Seungmin had woken up to an empty bed and Jeongin was gone. Jeongin was the worst friend, the worst best friend. Seungmin deserved so much better than whatever mess he was.

Seungmin cleared his throat to move past the slight awkwardness. ‘But anyway, I decided not to give it to you that day in front of everyone because you’re the only one I got a gift for. Well, apart from Hyunjin, but you get my point. I’m earning money but not that much.’ Seungmin let out a soft laughter which Jeongin forcibly followed. He still felt awful. He was quite literally the last person Seungmin should be spending his money on. There was no use saying it, however, because Seungmin knew him, he knew of every habit and every thought that went through his head. It came naturally to him, it somehow always had. So there was no use arguing with him or voicing such insecure thoughts out loud. Seungmin already knew they were in his head.

‘Things got a bit weird afterward,’ continued Seungmin, still standing in front of Jeongin. ‘And I didn’t want to push you or anything like that. I thought about getting a refund or keeping it for next year but then…’ He paused and smiled at him softly. ‘Well, I think this might cheer you up, even just a little bit, even just for a few seconds.’

Seungmin finally handed Jeongin the package he had been holding, and Jeongin figured out as soon as he grabbed it what it could be. Seungmin quickly sat next to him, all smiley and adorable.

Adorable?

‘It’s not Christmas anymore but today’s still special so… And none of us believes in Jesus either way.’

Jeongin laughed looking at him and then, this time he was the one contemplating every single one of Seungmin’s features – so familiar, so safe, so pretty, so handsome, so beautiful. Seungmin was truly beautiful, probably the most beautiful person Jeongin had ever met. Not necessarily in a physical aspect way, even if he clearly didn’t lack in that department no matter how many times Jeongin called him ugly as a joke. When he thought of Seungmin as beautiful, he didn’t mean just that. Seungmin was simply the best person Jeongin knew – he was generous and considerate, and way too good for this world. It wasn’t only that Jeongin didn’t think he deserved him. He believed that no one deserved Seungmin.

‘Okay, you can open it now, or talk, or whatever.’

Jeongin smiled at him one last time before he started to unwrap what he already knew was some kind of piece of clothing – most probably a hoodie. And he was right. However, Jeongin didn’t expect to find the same exact hoodie he had bought for Seungmin only a few weeks prior. The only difference was the color – Seungmin’s was navy blue but he had picked a brighter blue shade for Jeongin.

‘Like I said,’ said Seungmin after taking a sip of his drink. ‘I bought it before I even knew you had me for secret santa.’ Jeongin stared at it speechless – he didn’t know what to say and much less how to say it. ‘Look at us matching without even trying.’

Something in Seungmin’s voice made it clear that he was somewhat nervous. He was waiting for Jeongin’s reaction. He was waiting for something. However, all Jeongin could manage to do was stare at the hoodie and feel that same nervousness he had been feeling for weeks, just at the thought of picking the same hoodie for each other and wearing it together. Suddenly, his mind went in a hundred different directions and yet it all seemed much clearer. The first thing he managed to say was:

‘Oh, crap.’

Seungmin stared at him, not masking his nervousness anymore. ‘What? What is it? Did I do something wrong? I can take it back to the store!’

Jeongin shook his head quickly. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s perfect. It’s just… I-I think I like you.’

The words left his mouth on their own, without him even realizing what he was saying exactly and what it truly meant. It felt weird not to tell Seungmin of all people. He told him everything. If this would be about anyone else, he would tell Seungmin. It felt too big to keep it from him. Jeongin only realized the big mistake he had just committed once he heard himself say it out loud.

‘What?’ mumbled Seungmin.

Jeongin stared at him and felt his breath shortening. All the nervousness, the anxiety, the shivering: it wasn’t nervousness. It was butterflies. His flinching when Seungmin touched him or when he felt out of breath around Seungmin it was just that - butterflies. Jisung had somehow put the idea in his head of them being together and it had eaten at his brain without him even realizing it. He felt like when in primary school, kids around him would bother him about a girl and he would force himself to like her because she was pretty and it made sense. Only now, Jeongin wasn’t so sure it was just for that. And it was terrifying. Even more terrifying was the fact that Seungmin couldn’t help him out of it.

‘I-I… I don’t know. I just…’ Jeongin pressed his lips. ‘Jisung said something a-and… I don’t know, dude. I don’t understand either. It’s stupid, right? I can’t like you. You’re my best friend.’ Jeongin let out a nervous laugh to try to make the air feel more breathable – it didn’t work. ‘I’m sure it’ll go away, it’s nothing. But… Hm… Yeah, that’s why I’ve been so weird I think, even before you gave Hyunjin the bracelet. It will pass. Don’t worry about it.’ Jeongin scoffed. ‘Falling for your best friend, seriously, who does that?’

He expected Seungmin to laugh but instead, he seemed frozen in place. He was staring at the floor and the only thing that indicated he was still alive was how he nervously played with his fingers.

‘I did.’

‘Huh?’

It had been a whisper. Actually, barely whisper. Jeongin even wondered if Seungmin had actually talked or if everything was in his head. The music coming from outside the room didn’t help either.

‘Fall for my best friend,’ said Seungmin, lifting his head up and looking at Jeongin. ‘I’ve done that.’

Jeongin let what felt like an eternity pass before he said: ‘In high school?’

‘N-Not exactly.’

‘But after high school, we met and… And I became your best friend.’

Seungmin hummed and looked back at the ground.

‘Oh.’

Seungmin laughed softly. ‘Oh, indeed.’

‘S-Since when?’

Jeongin’s mind was full of questions and of wonderings, and his heart was beating faster than it ever had before. The first rational thing to do was ask that and try to understand, try to put the pieces together somehow.

‘I don’t really remember… It’s been a while. I guess somewhere around the first year of knowing you.’

That wasn’t weeks. It was years. How many times had Seungmin longed for Jeongin when he didn’t even notice? How many times he might have led him on without even realizing it? Suddenly all the nights sleeping together and all the movie dates had a whole other meaning. He couldn’t even begin to process how Seungmin had dealt with all of that for years when he barely made it out those couple of weeks.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

Seungmin shrugged. ‘I knew you didn’t feel the same.’

Jeongin wasn’t so sure that was true, but he wasn’t about to talk about that. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

‘But you kept it all to yourself. That’s not healthy.’

‘I mean, everyone knows though.’

‘Everyone? Even Jisung?’

Seungmin nodded and looked up for the first time at Jeongin. ‘He was the first to find out actually.’

Fucking Han Jisung.

He could see him back at the store making those stupid comments, thinking back in his head that he was feeding images into Jeongin’s brain. The bastard had succeeded.

‘He’s like the number one defender of the idea that you… Well, that you like me back.’

Of course he is.

The thing was. Jisung wasn’t wrong. Jeongin liked Seungmin. It now seemed so clear to him. It seemed stupidly clear to him. He didn’t think it had been a love-at-first-sight thing. Looking back and trying to process everything as quickly as possible, he was positive that the first few years he felt nothing for Seungmin other than friendship. Seungmin had probably started liking him before Jeongin liked him back. And somehow along the way, things had shifted. Jeongin just never stopped to think about it.

Because Seungmin was his best friend. Jeongin was supposed to feel excited when seeing him. Finding comfort in the smell of his clothes was normal. Finding a home in his arms was what best friends were for. Every song reminding him of Seungmin was natural because they spent so much time together and Seungmin was loud about his love for so many songs. Feeling butterflies when Seungmin gave him a new matching item was understandable. Wanting to kiss him when drunk was only natural when you had so much love for someone and didn’t know how to express it.

Love.

Oh.

This was so much worse than he ever thought.

‘It’s okay, though. Please don’t feel pity for me,’ said Seungmin, breaking the silence and making Jeongin realize how quiet he had been for minutes now. Realizing he had been in love with his best friend didn’t take a second – apparently, it took him years. ‘And like, I get your point on the it-will-pass thing. Maybe it will pass for me too. I just don’t want things to be weird between us. Maybe, if you want, we can take a week or two to clear our heads, and then yeah… Go back to normal.’

The idea made Jeongin frown. Normal? What even was normal? He being in denial and Seungmin secretly pining for him without saying a word? How was that good? How was that normal?

‘I-I don’t want that.’

Seungmin stared at him. ‘W-What do you mean?’

He could tell by the fear in his eyes that he was thinking quite the opposite of what Jeongin meant. Seungmin was probably now thinking of the many ways that Jeongin would push him away and never see him again. But Jeongin still wanted him in his life. Jeongin wanted him – every part of him, even if it still felt strange.

‘I don’t want to go back to normal. I-I want…’ Jeongin felt shivers go down his spine and breathing became more difficult. ‘I want to like you.’

They both remained quiet looking at each other for what felt like hours. Jeongin didn’t dare to move and neither did Seungmin. He barely dared to breathe as if any slight change could affect everything.

But then Seungmin whispered: ‘Okay.’

And he then got close to Jeongin. At first, Jeongin thought he would go straight for the kiss. Instead, Seungmin stopped right before their lips touched. Jeongin could laugh at the fact that they had been this close to each other before. Jeongin could laugh at the fact that this made so much sense that it was stupid how it hadn’t happened before. He couldn’t explain why it hadn’t. He was just dumb. Incredibly stupid. Eventually, Seungmin finally kissed him before pushing him onto the bed so that he could kiss him better. He grabbed his face and Jeongin grabbed him by the waist. And it felt like the most natural thing he had ever done.

It felt good. Better than any kiss Jeongin had ever had. It felt like home. It felt like this was what they were supposed to do all along.

Jeongin pulled away only when he heard the people outside the room start the countdown to midnight. He suddenly became aware of where they were. It was surreal that no one had interrupted them yet or no one had been looking for them.

‘All good?’ asked Seungmin.

Jeongin nodded. ‘Yeah, I just don’t want to kiss at midnight. That’s some cheesy bullshit I never want to be involved with.’

Thankfully Seungmin laughed. Because he got him. He always had.

* * *

So Jeongin had a new normal. Kim Seungmin was his new normal. Not that he wasn’t before. Seungmin had always been the definition of normal in Jeongin’s life, the moment he stepped into that orientation room in the first year of college.

But Seungmin wasn’t the same type of normal anymore. He was a new normal.

Seungmin wasn’t like any relationship Jeongin had ever had before. It was strange because they didn’t feel like a couple even though they were both very much aware of how much they cared for each other. They were just friends, best friends. And they suddenly became best friends who kissed and held hands sometimes. After a few weeks, they became best friends who had sex and told each other they loved each other in a more than platonic way. And after a few months, because Jeongin’s lease was up and he hated his apartment, they became best friends who lived together and shared a bed every night.

Seungmin was still very much his best friend and Jeongin liked that. Somehow, what they were before never felt right or normal – now he could see that. But this, this was right, this was normal. This was exactly what they were supposed to be.

Jeongin tried stopping using matching clothes because of how cheesy it was now that they were a couple. Seungmin agreed. They still found themselves accidentally using the same clothes on the same days. So Jeongin decided that would be the one cheesy thing he would go for. The only one. For now.