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"You said you'd be by my side forever." Jaeyoon was calm, despite the inner turmoil he was feeling. Despite the storm that was raging inside him. The grip on his phone tightened.
Just like in those dramas on TV, it was a lukewarm summer night. Not too cold, not too hot - perfect for a picnic.
Music was playing in the distance - a gentle, slow tune. Jaeyoon was playing with his partner's hair, whose head was lying on his lap. The stars were shining brightly, underlining the moon's beauty and highlighting Juho's sharp features in the right places;
Neither of the two worried too much about being followed. If they would've been caught, they would just play it off as fanservice or something.
"I love the moon. It's so beautiful, people really don't see its beauty." Jaeyoon hummed in agreement. Most people seemed to be hyper fixated on the sun, for some reason. "The moon looks so lonely, so cold. It's a little depressing" someone once said.
Juho couldn't disagree more. The moon itself was mesmerizing, mysterious and yet so alluring.
So, how did he end up in front of the cameras with the members? How did they end up sitting under the blinding lights with cameras pointed at their bloated, puffy faces?
Jaeyoon's head hurt, he felt like his brain was trying to break through his skull. The clicking sound of the cameras didn't help ease the pain.
He looked like shit, they all did. None of them said a word, Jaeyoon just stared at the table cloth as if his life depended on it. He didn't dare look up and reveal how bad he actually looked. Just keep your head down, no one will notice, he kept telling himself.
Juho had always been a little prone to illness. The doctors though didn't take it all too serious, sending him off with "less partying, more working out"
Jaeyoon had called bullshit on that. Juho had already been quite fit and sporty. There definitely was something up with the younger, considering how he randomly developed high fevers, chest-, abdominal- and joint pain. Sometimes to the point he couldn't move on his own and had to be carried.
Jaeyoon had told him during these times to stay in the dorm and rest but he didn't listen, Juho rarely did. He wanted to give their fans his best although some didn't acknowledge it. The majority did, though Juho rather focused on gaining the minority's approval. Surely enough, it was easier to believe the negative comments than the positive ones.
Jaeyoon played with his nails, pulling and picking the skin around them. He didn't feel the pain nor did he feel the blood drip down. His bottom lip quivered heavily, the ring on his finger feeling a little too cold all of a sudden.
Juho once had performed with a fever of about 41 degrees celsius which resulted in him collapsing right after the stage ended. He complained about chest pain, dizziness. He got worse over the months quite fast.
And despite all the symptoms, all the complaints, the doctors always sent him away claiming it was just anxiety and a weak immune system.
Juho was, after all, a young and healthy man.
Jaeyoon couldn't hold the tears back any longer. He buried his face in his hands, an embarrassingly loud sob left his throat. He dug his fingers into his eyes in an attempt to calm down. He didn't hear the question he had apparently been asked, he also hadn't heard his name being called multiple times nor did he see the worried looks the fans and especially not the members were giving him.
Jaeyoon really had believed it when Juho had said they would be together forever, to eternity.
It wasn't fair, it really wasn't fair. Juho had been too young.
Juho had lost a lot of weight, considering he had always been thin. He hadn't intended to lose that much, either. He looked pale, almost chalk white. His skin was littered with bruises, especially under his eyes. He had constant abdominal pain to the point he barely could move.
He spent most of his time sleeping. He had no energy left to do what he loved the most- composing.
He couldn't talk without retching for air. At this point, the others started worrying too. At first they had said that Jaeyoon had been overreacting, the doctors had cleared Juho all the time after all. And just three weeks before Juho had left, he had an emergency surgery.
His abdominal pain had gotten unbearable, so Jaeyoon had dragged him to the ER. It didn't take more than half an hour and Juho was on the surgery table, his bowel had an obstruction which had to be removed immediately.
The surgeons found his bowel's condition apparently a little too suspicious, so they took a biopsy. And only then did they find out what was wrong with Juho, with his beloved Juho.
Just that it was already too late.
In that same year when Juho worsened, he had escaped death's door three times.
Juho had been battling with his own body for decades and he wasn't taken seriously.
Youngbin had pulled him up from his chair, protectively positioning himself in front of Jaeyoon. No one needed to see how vulnerable he was right now.
The two had regularly gone out to walks, sometimes hand in hand, sometimes just their sides pressed against each other.
"The moon reminds me of you, Juju." Jaeyoon once said. That earned him a confused stare of his lover. "You see. You shine brightly next to all the other stars. But you also shine brightly on your own. You're beautiful in any shape, in any form." Before Juho could say something, Jaeyoon halted in his tracks and continued. "No matter how dark the sky is, no matter how many clouds are trying to block you.. You always bring light into the world in one way or another."
Juho's bottom lip started to quiver as he tried to find the right words. He couldn't, so he pulled Jaeyoon into a tight hug. "Jaeyoon.." It was barely audible. He reciprocated the embrace, brushing his lips against Juho's ear. "You're the light that guides me through the darkness" he whispered.
"And I'll always be the light by your side. Forever."
Jaeyoon truly had believed it. He truly had believed it that Juho would be by his side until they were old and gray.
He had wanted to keep the healthy Juho in his memory and he maybe would have succeeded in it, if he hadn't woken up to Juho's agonal breathing. Jaeyoon shook him but Juho didn't respond, he just gasped once, twice a minute. He lightly had slapped his face but Juho didn't react.
And maybe if he hadn't seen Juho's sunken in chest, broken ribs, bruised form- maybe if he hadn't seen all these tubes sticking out of him, he could've kept the Juho he knew all along in his mind.
Jaeyoon was scared, horrified. His next reaction had been to call an ambulance and start cpr, which he did. It felt like an eternity had passed until the paramedics arrived. The other members only woke up to the doorbell ringing and knocking on the door.
They had tried resuscitating Juho for nearly three hours, in total. The hospital had declared him dead at about six in the morning.
Despite the CPR, despite the medical team doing their best, Juho had not once returned to life. He had died in Jaeyoon's arms that night.
There were thousands of questions he wanted to ask, thousand questions he would never get an answer to.
Had Juho been in pain? Did he know he was dying? Was he scared? If he did, then why didn't he wake Jaeyoon up? Why didn't Jaeyoon notice his partner's passing sooner? If he had woken up earlier, could've Juho been saved? Did Juho know just how much Jaeyoon loved him? Did he feel loved in his last moments? Did he blame Jaeyoon for not noticing his death?
So many questions, too little answers.
Jaeyoon fled the stage, he couldn't take the intrusive questions and stares any longer. He locked himself in the toilet and sobbed his heart out, clutching the necklace Juho had always been wearing. Pain and yet numb. That's how he was feeling.
He ignored their managers knocking on the door. He ignored the messages, the calls - he ignored everything and just cried, like he had the past few days.
Jaeyoon hit his chest with his fist continuously, as if it would ease the heartache.
He would never get to hold Juho's hand anymore. He would never get to play with his soft locks or ears. He would never get to watch him compose in his studio apartment. He would never get to hear his tinkling laugh nor would he ever get to see him argue with his cats.
He would never get to see him grow old.
Jaeyoon grabbed the next best thing he could find and threw it with all his might against the mirror, yelling profanities aimed at the doctors who dismissed his Juho's concerns, who downplayed his issues. He held them responsible for Juho's way too early passing. He blamed them for Juho living in pain that got worse each passing day.
But what Jaeyoon would miss the most would be his presence. His mere presence. He would miss their slow dances anywhere they went, any time of the day. Just them and no one else. He already missed Juho's warmth.
Just a year later, he sat in front of his grave. He wasn't proud of how he lost control the past few months. He slowly took steps towards healing.
"You said you'd be by my side forever." It was barely a whisper but Jaeyoon knew that Juho could hear him.
Jaeyoon took off the necklace he had been wearing every day. He draped it across Juho's gravestone securely, a small, sad smile on his face.
"I guess your forever was a little different than my forever."