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When Iker woke up when he was still sleepily, it was early yet, and he was alone. There wasn't any hot body on his side today, not even yesterday, he remembers well. Actually, he doesn't remember the last time he was with someone in his side in bed, not even ghosts.
His heart is hurting. He’s having that feeling when you can actually feel the pain in your chest. Something that really just breaks your heart in little pieces. It’s a pain that grows in the inside and you just can’t stop it. There’s nothing you can do. It’s like when you're sinking.
It itches, burns, and bleeds, and there’s nothing you can do to make it stop.
This is the day when everything will change, maybe change forever. He hoped. He’s running away, he knows that, but sometimes run away is the only option you have. In his case, run away is probably the one that he’ll suffer less.
Stay and see the man you love, loving another man, even when he tells you that you’re the only one.
Go away run away and don’t ever have to see this again; but knowing forever.
Iker has chosen going away run away, and in his heart he feels that love will tear himself apart, again and again, until he’s only the nothing in the far away.
There’s a message on his phone when he picked it from the bedside table. Iker already knew who sent the message, of course he knew; he received almost the same message every day, almost with the same words in it. Since he came back.
It’s from Sergio, saying that he slept in Fernando’s house, because it was late to go home.
It’s always late to go home.
It’s raining outside, the air is cold, everything is cold. A dead air. Cold and sad, that’s how Iker is feeling right now. It’s raining outside, Iker is crying inside. And there’s angry as well, he’s angry with himself. He should have known. The sun wasn't there showing his face either.
Iker didn't blame Sergio, not at all, he blames himself, for being stupid when he should have known, for being blind when he should have seen, for being in love when he shouldn't.
Iker wished he wasn't human, he wished he was not human at all. He wished he hasn't a heart, not heart at all.
And he doesn't want to feel relief, he doesn't need to. He want to feel released. He want to feel like it is not happening to him, to them.
This is not Iker and he’s not in love with Sergio, he’s not even in love with anybody; he’s just Iker. And that’s not Sergio, that’s not Sergio going to Fernando’s house to have sex with him. Fernando is not even in Madrid.
Also, Iker is definitely not going to another country just so he’ll never have to see this thing that’s definitely not happening, happen again. Iker‘s heart is not broken, it’s safe and well and It’s in peace. Iker's heart is his, only his. He never gave his heart to someone, and nobody never made him cry until his lungs started to burn.
Thinking of this, perhaps, made Iker even sad, but at least there’s no way he could get more sad that he already is. He’s in the limit of sadness. This is eating him alive. It keeps beating like a hammer, hard to be soft, tough to be tender.
Iker played all his cards and that's what Sergio have done too. The winner takes it all. The loser has to fall. Iker is the loser.
What Iker really wishes, from the bottom of his heart, from the top of his lungs. What he really, really wished was that Sergio had chosen him. Him, instead of Fernando. Picked him, chosen him. Loved him.
And everything is passing on Iker’s mind like an Academy Awards Movie winner, he’s that loser, sad, depressed character who’s tried to kill himself but even that he couldn't do. There's the cool characters as well. Iker wanted to be a cool character, but he they never let him.
Everyone wants to be a cool character, everyone loves the cool characters, not the loser one. No one love the loser, sad, depressed character, no one wants to be that character.
Pick me. Iker and Sergio happy, loving each other. There’s the world and then, there’s them. A Taurus and an Aries loving each other with so much devotion, so much passion, love and everything in between.
Iker passing his hands on Sergio’s tattoos, wishing that his name was there. Sergio kissing his neck, his ear, his chest, his lips, his everything. The moaning. Sergio on his knees in front of Iker, sucking his dick, while Iker put his hands on the other man’s hair, crying of pleasure.
Iker calling Sergio nene.
Suddenly, Sergio is not sucking Iker's dick anymore; it’s Fernando’s dick he’s sucking. Iker is not there. These are the cool characters; Iker Isn't a cool character. Iker is in his house, crying in his bathroom.
But this is not possible, this is not possible at all.
Chose me. Sergio always say I love you to Iker, and Iker is not afraid of telling that he loves Sergio too. Iker is never afraid, is never terrified, and Sergio loves him. He’s always confident, always smiling, with Sergio by his side, because Sergio loves him. They won Lá Decima, and Sergio loves him. They won everything, and Sergio loves him.
Everything of Iker is for Sergio; his heart, his love, his clothes, his eyes, his hair. His everything. He’s the chosen one, the one that Sergio has chosen to love, to protect and to be with forever.
I will never leave you. Sergio said to him once, I promise. He said that almost every day, maybe afraid that Iker would think that he would do that one day.
Love me. Fernando came back to Madrid, and Sergio didn't say he loves Iker. They didn't win Lá Undecima, and Sergio didn't say he loves Iker. They didn’t make a good season at all, and Sergio didn’t even talk anymore.
Iker tried to run away. He ran, ran and ran but he never got too far. He tried to cover his eyes, so he couldn't see, but he could hear. He tried to do both, but he couldn't. He tried to stop crying but he was too weak.
Iker is finally going away, but he didn't want to go, he wanted everything to go back to the start. He wanted to make a good season and to win Lá Undecima. He wanted to smile and to be happy. He wanted Fernando away from Madrid. He wanted Sergio. But mostly, Iker just wanted Sergio to love him.
Everything of Iker is for Sergio; his heart, his love. His everything. But why does he feels that everything of Sergio is not only to him? It should be. It should be only to him, for him. It should be only him.
Sergio once told Iker that he would never leave him. He promised. Sergio said I will never leave you. So how could he leave Iker right now? He said it once. He promised. Iker has a good memory.
The world is silent, but Iker can hear the laughs. Everyone is laughing of him, he’s the joke, he’s the joke and everybody feels sorry for him. Iker wished he was a cool character, a character that everyone love and want to be. But they never gave that character to Iker. These kind of characters are only given to the cool people. Iker is not a cool person, so he’s not a cool character.
He’s the loser and the sad. He’s the loser, the sad and the depressed one.
Stop crying, stop crying. Iker is is the airplane, his phone is ringing but he’ll not answer. He doesn't want to, not now. He’s doesn't need to. He had too much of it. He was already in the darkness too much to see more dark. He only want to sleep and never wake up.
Only when Iker arrived at his new house, he picked his phone and saw the voice message Sergio had sent to him:
Iker, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry. I’ve promised that I will never leave you, I've promised. I'm so sorry. He was really crying. I love him, Fernando, I love him, I can’t help it. Silence. But I love you more. I love you so much more. I sing flamenco songs for you, I don’t sing for him. I could never sing for him. Iker could hear Sergio’s laugh. I'll never leave you, Iker. Never.
The voice message ends.
But it was on the movie, it wasn't real. Iker thought that it was real but it isn't. Sergio never called Iker, Sergio never sent a voice message. Sergio didn't even said goodbye to Iker.
In the reality, Iker was still crying and alone. Alone, waiting for his fate. Sad, because Sergio hasn't chosen him. Depressed, he can’t stop crying even if he wanted.
He wished he could take his heart out of his chest, destroy it with all his strength. He couldn't.
All the loser, sad, depressed character gets is a death calm.
Nothing more and nothing less than a death calm.