Chapter Text
Kissing Jade had always been a thought she has had. Whenever her friend called her “your Highness” in that tone that was meant to be a compliment but sounded a bit flustered and reverent.
Kit had never done it. She had just let it be what it was. An intrusive thought that would always beg to be acted upon but would spell trouble if you actually did it.
The day before her wedding, she went to say goodbye to her friend. It was when she finally kissed her. Acting on impulse. Even when the thought had always been there, lurking in her heart, she hadn’t let herself do anything about it.
The kiss is the reason why she had to run away. Given the choice between marrying a man she doesn’t love or running away and never seeing her best friend. The woman she loves. It was easy. She had to leave. But she couldn’t deny herself one last selfish act.
//
Jade had followed her and told her not to run. That she had to talk to the Queen. Kit asked Jade to come with her. They could run away, have adventures together, finally do all the things they dreamed of.
Kit was being thoughtless by asking her to choose her over her dreams of being a knight. Of protecting Tir Asleen. But she still asked, hopeful. Selfish need winning over reason. Jade, as always, chose reason. She had to be the more measured one of the two. Even with her being right, as she always was, to say no. It broke Kit’s heart hearing Jade’s answer.
Especially when it was followed by Jade dismissing her. Telling her that she should do what she wanted, as she would always do.
That last dig is why she followed Jade back to the castle.
She might be reckless, but she would never want to hurt Jade. Not if it could be avoided. Even when she was embarrassed at how she had acted in front of everyone. Even if she didn’t want to marry a stranger. She wouldn’t run if Jade asked her.
//
“Don’t worry, I won’t run away.” She reassured Jade as the stood near the hall that led to her chambers.
Jade opened her mouth, about to say something, when solid steps echoed closer.
The queen looked angry. Kit stepped in front of Jade and pointed towards the exit with her head. Silently urging the other woman to leave. By the time her mother stood in front of her, it was too late. Jade stood at attention. Staring straight ahead and faded into the background.
“First you act like a child and embarrass the Royal Family in front of all Tir Asleen and Galladoorn, and now I find you trying to sneak out of the castle like some thief in the night?” Her mother’s tone was low. Showing how angry she truly was.
“I’m sorry… I just want what you and dad had… why can’t I go on adventures and marry for love too?” Kit asks.
“Because you have a duty to your kingdom. To your people. And that means forging a strong alliance with Galladoorn so we can continue to protect the people within the Barrier.” Her mother tells her.
“Why can’t Airk marry Graydon, then? Why does it have to be me?” Kit says, sounding like the petulant child her mother always accuses her of being.
“You know why!” Queen Sorsha shouts. Stepping closer.
“Then I abdicate the throne!” Kit says in frustration. She never wanted to be a Princess. She never wanted any of it. She just wanted to be brave. To be loved. To go beyond the Barrier and explore the world. To go on adventures with Jade.
The slap rang across the hallway. Even Jade’s soft, surprised gasp, was swallowed up by the way her ears were still ringing.
“How dare you say such a thing?” Her mother was seething.
“You would destabilize the kingdom on a whim? Abandon your duty over something you know nothing about? You are young and foolish, and love is not as everlasting as honor…” Although she didn’t have to say her father’s name, it hung between them.
“Mom.” Kit wanted to apologize.
“No… if you want to be a child and throw a tantrum, so be it. You can choose abdication, but think about what it would mean for those around you.” Queen Sorsha gave an imperceptible once over behind her. Towards the spot Jade was taking up in the shadows. Kit felt numb.
“You can choose the Trials of Enki.” She offered.
Kit looked up. Face white.
“Or you can go back to bed. Think of how you will apologize to your betrothed. Like you mean it. And marry him at nightfall, as intended.” She said in a tone that showed Kit what the answer should have been.
Her mouth formed the words before she could think about them. “I choose the Trials.”
Her mother looked up, startled. She felt Jade’s reassuring touch on the crook of her elbow.
“Kit, please.” Jade begged.
“Jade. She has made her choice. Step away from the exiled.” Although her eyes were sad, Queen Sorsha’s voice was clear. Unwavering.
Kit felt Jade’s touch linger, before the warmth of her body left her side. Jade stood next to her Queen. Kit saw the way she was trying to hold back tears and she gave them both a small nod.
“Jade, please escort me to my chambers. Kit… I will have Kase and a few of the Pacalcade escort you to the Barrier. Once across, your trials shall commence.”
Kit wanted to cry at those words, but she had already chosen. By impulse, by pride. She had chosen and for the first time, she would accept the consequences of her rashness.
She watched as her mother led Jade away, and only when they had turned a corner. When their shadows disappeared from the wall in front of her. Did she turn around to leave.
//
//
By the time she reaches the stables, Jørgen and his men were there. He looks contrite. She knows that as much as Airk is the son he never had; Kit was the daughter he never had to worry about.
Where Airk was as different from Kit as he could be, they both were still quite dear to the older man. Their differences made them complimentary. One was light and airy, like the fields that held his claims of undying love for every woman that caught his eyes. The other was explosive and solid. Like the echoes of swords clashing against each other, high up on the cliffs that surrounded Tir Asleen. He had loved them both. Even when their father disappeared, he didn’t.
Kit thought of her brother. What she said to him in anger… she wanted to take those words back. Especially now, when she would be the one to leave him.
Jørgen offered his hand. Although she didn’t need his help, she let him give it to her. It was his way of apologizing for being the one that led her out of the kingdom.
They rode in silence. Past the castle gates.
Dawn broke above their tired faces, and they didn’t stop.
Not until they reached the cliffs that Kit loved so much. The ones that always made her think of sunsets and Jade.
“We’ll make camp here for a couple of hours. We’ll head back out once the horses have rested.” Jørgen told them.
Kit dismounted her horse and hugged him tightly. The others set up camp while she cried in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Princess.” His voice sounded thick. Like he too was crying.
They stood there, until she was tired. Then, she dropped on her bedroll and fell into a dreamless sleep.
//
She woke up, disoriented. The sun was low, but not setting. She sat there, for a moment. Trying to commit to memory each detail of this place. Kit looked away and sighed. She stood up and worked alongside the men. Helping them break camp and put things away before moving on.
It would be another day before they got close to the Barrier. And half a day before they reached the bridge that traversed the chasm between their kingdom and the doorway that broke it. The only way to come in and out of Tir Asleen.
//
Although being an outcast demanded that those within Tir Asleen not speak to her, Jørgen still filled their ride with conversation. He shrugged at his men when they looked at him. Reminding them that the queen ordered the Trials to start once the Princess was beyond the Barrier.
He told Kit stories of Airk and her getting into trouble. Little things they did that reminded Jørgen of their father. Or small ways they were like their mother. It should have been painful. Instead, Kit found it comforting. To know that even when she was gone, she would still be remembered fondly. And not as she truly was. Selfish. Impulsive. Childish.
//
They reached the gatehouse and disembarked. Jørgen and the men talked to the guards as Kit stood there, feeling lost. She looked back to her homeland and wondered if she would ever return.
Jørgen finished talking to the captain and walked towards her. He cleared his throat and Kit threw herself into his arms. He held her tight.
Once they came apart, he took a knife from his belt and presented it to her, still in its scabbard. “I had hoped that when I retired. Lived out the rest of my days in the castle… I could hand this over to your brother… see it hanging from his belt.” He tells her.
Kit takes the knife and unsheathes it. The blade is both deadly and a work of art. It’s carved with delicate swirls above the sharpened edges. A “K” is stamped on both sides. Close to where the hilt meets the blade. It had been passed down from his father to him. And now, without a son, it would have gone to the prince. Not out of need or duty, but out of sentimentality. He had helped raised him, as much as he could. And now, he was making the choice of breaking with tradition, for her. To show Kit that he supported her. Even when she was wrong.
“Jørgen.” She says. His name caught in her throat.
His rough hands cover hers. Helping her sheathe it. He puts it on her leather belt. Tight against her body. Hidden from view. It was not meant for decoration with her, but protection.
“I hope… that I am alive to see you return, your Highness.” He says. Voice thick with emotion.
She nods. Letting her tears fall freely across her cheeks. There’s no point pretending this isn’t the end.
“Tell Airk I’m sorry.” She says as she mounts her horse. He smiles sadly at her.
“And Jade?” He asks, knowing.
Her shoulders drop. Ashamed. She had wanted to run away from having to make a choice between two things she didn’t want and only managed to make things worse for Jade.
“That she’ll be a great knight… and… and I’ll always be thinking of her.” She turns around and heads outside the Barrier at a swift gallop. Hoping that she can outrun this crushing feeling in her chest.
//
//
Although she should be excited about the adventures she could be having, just beyond the Barrier. Kit feels numb.
She’s been exiled, by choice, but it hardly felt like it. Still, ironically, she had gotten her wish. She wouldn’t have to marry Graydon. She wouldn’t have Jade abandon her.
Instead, she was the one leaving them all behind.
She could return to Tir Asleen… but if she did before it was time, she would forever be exiled by the royal family and the entirety of the kingdom. Even beggars would deem her untouchable. Kit had to return after the forty moons and forty suns had passed. She reaches down and scratches Eclipse’s right ear. Hoping that her mother doesn’t lash out at Jade because of her.
Kit knows that she had not abdicated because of Jade. Her mother had made it clear that she would retaliate against her if Kit abdicated. It was why she wanted to comply. As soon as Jade was disappointed in her, she caved. As soon as her mother threatened her, she gave in.
Kit sighed. She chose the third, more awful option. Without even meaning to. She didn’t know her mother would offer that choice. It was part of a foregone tradition.
The Trials of Enki started off as a way to gain wisdom during times of great war. Of upheaval. Only sorceresses, wizards, and royals were meant to embrace such power. They were taken beyond the edge of the known world and left to wander. If they returned from the great beyond, they would be seen as worthy of Enki’s sacred knowledge.
It would set her above the royal line of succession. But would preclude her from tradition, as she would be more enlightened than the rest of the possible heirs.
Even then, it had always been used as a last resort. Given how dangerous it was to travel beyond what was known. Some never returned. Others came back wrong. Changed into monster, like her grandmother Bavmorda.
And now, it was her turn to disappear beyond the Barrier and find answers… or find death.
//
//
Kit had been following the road for weeks. Hunting squirrels and rats for meat, as she was still too heavy footed to hunt bigger game.
Once, she had caught a hare as big as her pack. But they would rarely venture close to the road. Even when mostly deserted. She was the problem. They did not want to come closer to her because she smelled strange. Not of the land. Kit looked up, the woods were still a ways off. At least from what she could tell from here.
She had gone from being angry to devastated. To lost. To angry again. And now all she felt was defeat. Even then, she stubbornly held onto the idea that she had been right. That she couldn’t ask any less of herself than her parents had expected of themselves.
Although they had defeated a great darkness, the world they had lived in was not hers. Kit had only known peace and that meant going back to tradition. Regressing to what had worked before the world had been plunged into chaos.
//
Kit is so distracted by her thoughts that she doesn’t notice how she’s been in the same place for hours. Not until she looks up at the sky and notices that the sun had moved, but she was still in the same place.
It’s odd. It doesn’t feel dangerous to be here, but it also feels like she’s caught in between dreams and sleep.
She’s on the edge of something and she doesn’t know what it is. She feels a jolt of pain pushing into her chest.
Kit fights to focus her mind on where she is. In the place of stones and grass as a wave of crushing pain makes her breathing feel ragged. She wants to draw in a breath, but she feels like she’s underwater.
There are flashes of black. White orbs. Deep red staining white.
“Stop moving.” A voice, strange, but familiar, commands.
“Jade.” She calls out. The same voice from before feels further away and Kit knows something is wrong.
She wants to ride Eclipse away from this odd place, but it seems that the further she pushes him, the more she rides, the stiller everything feels.
A new wave of pain rushes into her chest and she feels empty.
“Stop moving.” She hears from above.
“Jade.” She tries again.
Everything goes dark and she falls into a dream where Jade is polishing silver armor. Facing away from her. She steps closer and the light catches the way Jade seems so sad. Her heart speeds up and Jade looks up. Startled. “Kit?” She asks and she feels herself flicker away, like a burning candle.
//
Kit hears the gobbling snarl of death dogs. She wakes up and sees an old woman with cloudy white eyes floating above her. Her hands are covered in blood and Kit tries to get up. She needs to make sure Jade is safe. For some reason she remembers them being attacked near the wildwood. She tries to move and the pain from her chest makes her pass out again.
//
The next time she’s awake, she feels the twisting pain, radiating from her chest, all the way up to her left arm. It makes it hard to draw a deep breath. But she can stay awake for longer this time.
She looks around and nothing is familiar. Above her, a constellation of hanging herbs makes the ceiling feel alive. She’s confused. The last thing she remembers is being lost in a place of stones and grass. Flashes of color and a strange woman. A familiar voice.
//
Kit wakes up on the floor, next to a cauldron. The warmth of the stones beneath it, still red hot from a burned-out log, kept her cozy while she slept on the packed, earthen floor.
“You’re awake.” The voice states.
Kit tries to get up and is instantly pushed down again.
“I told you to stop moving, you stubborn girl.” Then, a small, crooked old woman with straight white hair and white eyes, emerges from the shadows.
“Are you alright?” She asks, not remembering anything but knowing it was important to make sure.
The woman laughs and her face wrinkles pleasantly. “Am I alright? I’m alive thanks to you… just like you’re alive, thanks to me. Now our fates are intertwined, little pin cushion.”
Kit’s body feels heavy.
“What happened?” She asks.
“Trolls… they tried to steal me away and my friends weren’t fast enough to help… you… you were. You rode up on your horse, lifted these tired old bones onto your saddle and got caught in the crossfire as you tried to protect me.” The old woman explains.
Kit feels like there’s more, but she’s tired.
//
Kit doesn’t know how long she’s drifted in and out of sleep the next time she wakes up. The old woman is there, helping her take a drink from a cup that tastes like dirt and dead leaves.
//
Kit opens her eyes and stares at the now familiar ceiling of hanging herbs. The light from the fire next to her makes them dance in a soothing way. She wants to get up, but her body still feels too heavy to do much except stay here and remain awake for a heartbeat or two. Before she goes back under, she thinks about Jade.
//
//
Kit’s back feels stiff. With great effort, she summons the strength to roll over onto her side. She wanted to shake Jade awake, tell her they needed to add more straw to her bed because she could feel the boards beneath her. She stretches out her hand and instead of Jade’s soft curls, there’s an empty space.
She’s confused as to why Jade isn’t there.
The last thing she remembers is thinking of Jade, but everything else feels fuzzy.
Kit tries to sit up but it feels like she’s tied down. Her right hand reaches up to touch her chest. It hurts. Her fingers touch a bandage, and their tips are stained red.
“What the?” She slurs. Her tongue hasn’t caught up to her brain.
She reaches down for her sword. Instead, she find’s Kase’s gift next to her. Her fingers reach out. Needing the comforting feel of the handle in her hand. The weight of it had become reassuring. It made Kit think of home.
That was when it hit her. She could never go home.
Not the way she left it.
Jade was better off. She would serve Tir Asleen valiantly. Her brother would be a better monarch than her because he always found a way to smooth things over when she had been too much for others. Her mother would finally find the peace that not having to chase after her would bring. Everyone should be moving on. And Kit was here, standing still in the unknown.
//
Kit heard the soft whispers of steady rain. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Trying to get her bearings inside the hut.
In the stove light flickering behind her, she could see that she was in a simple but comfortable room. The place smelled of herbs and honey. Her things were placed near her, but remained bundled. The way she had them on her horse.
Her knife was still in her hand and she breathed out in relief.
She tried to get on her feet, but the strain left her seeing black spots. She leaned forward, using the small table as support. Kit took a couple of painful breaths and fought against the waves of nausea that made her want to slam back against the ground and sleep for another moon or two.
Kit let her body land heavily on a wooden chair and the pain brought back fragments of memories in short, disjointed bursts. They flashed in her mind. Kit remembered being on the road, closer to the woods now. She was excited about the possibility of hunting bigger game.
A fog rolled in and it was as if the world was standing still in an eerie light. The dark shapes of something big and fast flashed through the trees. She tried to keep her heartbeat steady. Eclipse stomped a foot on the ground, impatient to move on. Kit tried to ease her horse into a trot. But he reared up and neighed loudly. Something was bothering him, and whatever was in those trees was finally moving to where the breeze made Eclipse aware of them.
Kit reached out and tried to comfort Eclipse.
The wind shifted and he calmed. That made Kit worry more. Whatever was in the woods was dangerous and it was changing directions. Staying away from the breeze… a predator.
Kit was about to reach down for her bow and an arrow, when she heard a scream.
A flash of white hair, running.
Behind it, a much bigger creature, running on two legs, but much larger than a human. It had an awkward gait.
A troll.
It was chasing a woman with white hair.
Kit grabbed the reigns and leaned forward. Tightening her grip as she urged her horse to go faster.
The woman was trying to run, but the troll was so fast. Kit was afraid that the poor woman would be killed. She looked so small, and that troll was so big against her tiny frame.
Kit doesn’t remember how she reached the woman in time. Or why there where echoes of hooves thundering inside her head.
She remembers thinking that if death came for her, it wouldn’t be too soon.
With every painful breath she took, it felt as if death was taking her under.
Kit couldn’t breathe and even as she was not hiding from death, she was glad that Jade wasn’t here to see her so easily greet it.
//
Kit is trying not to think about what it all means when the door opens, and the woman comes inside complaining about the rain.
She takes off her cloak and look up at Kit. “You are quite stubborn, you know?”
Kit tries to shrug, and it only brings a new wave of pain. She takes a small breath and nods instead.
“You stubbornly cling to death. Then to life… to dreams and to memories that are not yet your own… why is that?” The woman asks in a way that doesn’t feel like she wants an answer.
Kit wants to make a joke, but she’s too tired to think of something clever. Something that would make Jade smile.
She looks down at the table in shame. She had been so stupid, both Jade and her would have at least been in Galladoorn if she had just gotten married. Then she wouldn’t have to be stuck out here, in this limbo. Where all she did was wonder how much better Jade’s life is without her constantly demanding her attention. Taking up space in her life.
Kit swallows down the lump in her throat and looks up.
The woman is still watching her from the same spot as before.
“Thank you… for saving me… for taking care of me.” She says.
The other woman nods and starts moving easily within her own home. She pours kit a cup of broth from the cauldron and serves herself a bowl of soup. Joining her on the table.
Kit’s lips turn up at the corners. Acknowledging this. And she takes a drink from the broth. It tastes like her memories. Like dirt and dead leaves. Except. The dirt is damp and soft, like mushrooms.
The woman ate slowly, rhythmically. That and the sound of rain outside was lulling her to sleep again.
“You should sleep.” The woman told her. Looking at Kit with clouded white eyes.
Kit nods and keeps drinking her broth.
The room feels like it’s pulsing, and she is lost once again. In the place of stones and grass.
Standing still while everything else moves on without her.
“Now then… tell me… what is your name?” A voice from the sky asks her.
The rain is soft, and she feels compelled to tell the truth. Except. Truth is complicated.
Whereas before, she would have stood tall, shoulders back. Proudly telling anyone who asked that her name was Kit Tanthalos, daughter of Queen Sorsha of Tir Asleen. Now, that she was banished, she realized that she didn’t know.
“I’m… I’m nobody.” She answers. Shoulders sloping downward. Ashamed of the truth.
The sky laughs and tells her that everybody has a name. And now that their destinies are intertwined, like a rope, the woman is owed her name.
“I’m… I’m Kit.” She finally admits. No last name, no kingdom, no legacy. Just a lost girl who got turned around before the wildwood.
“Ah, well, in that case, Kit, I’m Shobayt.” The skies offer.
The night is waiting for her, and Kit feels herself falling back onto it.
//
//
Time passes and her life is reduced to the same room in this small home. Kit’s days are filled with quiet work and little tasks she gives herself around the house. It starts out small. Washing their bowls and cups in the small sink. And then she is using the old planks lying around in the cluttered, unused room across from Shobayt’s bedroom, to build some shelves. To even out the crooked bookcase.
Little by little, the house is less cluttered.
But no less quiet.
Shobayt disappears before dawn breaks and sometimes Kit feels her absence. Other times she is so worn out from healing that she stays asleep, unaware.
//
Whenever the older woman returns, she looks at Kit suspiciously. Then she looks around her home. Her eyes stopping at whatever new thing Kit has done before she takes off her coat.
Kit gives serves them both a bowl of stew that Shobayt began cooking in the morning, and pours the other woman watered down mead while she drinks hot, honeyed water.
//
The rhythm of her life is slow. Meditative.
Sometimes she doesn’t know if she feels anything anymore. Other times she’s scared that she is still running away, even while standing still.
At first, she used to be impatient to go back to Tir Asleen. To check in on Airk. To see if her mother’s wrath had waned… but that would leave her devastated. At the thought of them being better off in her absence. Kit would go back to her spot, in front of the cauldron. The warmth would fill up her body. Taking up all the space between her aching ribs and the empty feeling inside her.
Then, Kit wonders why Shobayt is being so kind when it feels like all Kit does is take. Her eggs, her herbs, her space, her silence.
Out here, past the Barrier, she might not have her old name, but she was still the same, selfish person. She thought it would be different. Having an adventure. Instead, it feels like no matter where she is. On the road or in here, she is still stuck with herself. She can outrun her kingdom; she can outrun a troll’s piercing arrow. But she can’t outrun who she truly is.
//
Although she had the best tutors in the kingdom. Nothing came easy. She always made careless errors when trying to write things. Read aloud so quickly that sometimes her eyes skipped over words or sentences. Even her limbs rebelled against her when she tried to follow along to her dance instructor’s shouted directions.
The only thing that made sense was sparring with Jade. It had been hard, at first, like everything else. Her limbs felt too large and heavy with the sword in her hands. It was perfectly balanced for her hands. The blade was made for her height. And yet, she didn’t take to it as naturally as she thought she would.
It made her so mad. All the things she had wanted, the things that she didn’t. Everything seemed to be tailor made for someone else.
Except, this time, she refused to give up. She practiced at night, when no one would see her fail and fail again. She practiced until her arms were numb. Until her teeth rattled with the impact of each blow. Until she was carried into her room by Kase.
She kept practicing, after her father disappeared and she didn’t understand what to do with everything she felt.
Kit stubbornly grabbed onto the one part of her father she could recognize in herself. That she could still remember.
Although Kit improved through practice and determination, the feeling of never being good enough remained.
Only made worse by her mother’s disapproval whenever Kit picked up her sword instead of a book. When she was reproached about ignoring her duties for her hobbies.
//
Now that Kit is here, without her strength, without her ability to swing a sword. She wonders why her family would want her back when there’s nothing useful about her. There was nothing left of her to give back.
Would they even need her, if she did survive?
Kit doesn’t know that answer. She doesn’t know a lot. But she is here, and she can’t keep living in the dark. She can’t keep herself inside forever.
//
Even when she is not fully recovered, Kit does what she has always done. She stubbornly forges ahead.
//
Kit pushes open the swollen, wooden door that wants to stick to the sides of the stone house.
Sweat is soaking through her shirt, from effort, but she is here. Making small steps to return to the land of the living.
Her breath appears in front of her like a small, misty cloud. The earth is damp and green. Dew still clinging onto every blade of grass not trampled down by constant use. Kit looks to the distance, and she can see the wildwood is about two or three days on horse.
Behind her, a mountain range that touches the skies is forming. Starting with this little stone house that seems to be linked to a series of caves carved into the mountain side itself.
She shivers but keeps walking.
When she enters the cave, she expects darkness. Instead, the inside of the cave is lit up by a constellation of fire moth on top of glowing moss. It is not as bright as lit torches and day light. But Kit can easily see what she is doing, as the moss keeps the place warm and dry, and lights up small corners where fire moths cannot reach.
There are four stalls, one seems to have been empty for a while. Two still have droppings and hay in them. And the other has her beautiful horse with his white coat shining beneath the steady lights of the fire moths above them.
Kit walked over to Eclipse and starts brushing his coat. Talking to him calmly as she thinks of Jade. How often they would finish sparring and she would be the one to take him back to the stables. Even when she stopped being a stable hand, she would care for him. Kit lets herself feel the loss of her best friend and continues brushing him.
By the time she finished brushing Eclipse, cleaning the stalls and putting fresh hay in all three, Kit is exhausted. She had to sit down often, between her tasks. Sweat dripped down her face and her shirt sleeves were soaked with her attempt at wiping it off. The itching beneath the bandages was worse than she could remember.
Kit sits down again for a moment, and she is jarred awake by the loud braying of a donkey.
She slips off the stool, the air knocked out of her as she lands on her wounded side. She looks up to see two four dark eyes curiously staring at her and Shobayt’s familiar white ones.
“Thinking of running again?” Shobayt asks, as if she could read her daydreams. The ones where she crosses the Barrier to find Jade.
Before she can answer, the curious donkeys have sniffed her and started licking her face. Trying to eat the salt off her sweat. Shobayt shoos them into their stalls once they start biting at Kit’s shirt for more treats.
“Come on then, let’s get you cleaned up.” Shobayt says as she starts walking out of the cave.
//
Although she doesn’t feel better, and it still takes her most of the day to complete, she adds cleaning the stalls and brushing down their animals as part of her tasks.
//
Shobayt starts teaching her the names of the herbs that hang around the hut. The ones they are growing outside and should only be used fresh. Kit learns how to boil and dry linen bandages. What to look for in a wound that needs caring by using her own as a starting point.
She starts understanding what a concoction is and when they are best used. What plants make the best salves and which ones should be brewed and drunk. Which should be applied to a wound directly after being chewed. When something should be ground up.
Kit didn’t know that a wound that looks so small could take so long to heal.
She is learning how to cook now and is still not back to who she was.
Shobayt reminds her that the arrow could have easily struck her heart but missed. And it had to be pushed through the rest of the way. “Sometimes we have to be wounded even more before we can begin to heal.”
Kit thinks about that sometimes, she wonders when she will heal.
//
Whereas before, her days were confined to the stone house, now she wakes up alongside Shobayt. She helps by fetching the eggs from the chickens. Who no longer eye her suspiciously and peck at her hands. Before she was so unused to moving them that occasionally she manhandled them. Now they eagerly await her company and low talk of the weather.
Sometimes she stays behind to get things ready for Shobayt that her clients wanted.
Other times, she rides next to her wagon. Eclipse easily following along. Happy to be out of the cave for more than a small trot in the front yard.
Those times, Kit learns about healing others. What it means to be a witch woman riding through town.
Sometimes, the trips are short and they only take Eclipse. She lifts Shobayt onto him and walks besides them. Holding his reigns and petting his white mane. Occasionally feeding him carrots.
//
Time passes and Kit doesn’t know how long she has been gone from Tir Asleen.
She doesn’t feel wiser. She barely feels like herself. She practices with her sword now, but she’s still not where she used to be.
“Nen mesy siaw” Shobayt tells her one day when she is particularly frustrated at herself for not being able to lift the sword above her head like before. Her arms stop right where her shoulders are. Feeling the pull with every breath. Making it harder to do anything but rest.
She is irritated at herself for not being any different while also being worse. She doesn’t know if she will ever be good enough to return to her kingdom. How can she guide anyone when she can’t find a way to improve by herself?
Kit is breathing hard. She waits. Always waiting for whatever Shobayt is kind enough to give her. To teach her.
“The Maxims of Ptahhotep say nen mesy siaw, which is just an ancient way of saying that nobody is born wise.” Shobayt’s white eyes stare at her with kindness and Kit sheathes her sword.
She looks down at her hands and wonders if she will ever just be good at anything without struggling to make it look natural.
Shobayt’s small hand rests on top of her and she repeats the same words again before continuing. “No one is born wise. I was not birthed knowing how to heal people. How to remove arrows from people’s bodies or help children come into this world. I had to learn. Just like you are learning… it takes time. Like a wound.”
The older woman pats her shoulder and leaves. Kit sits out there until the dark is her only companion. She thinks of Jade. Of Airk. Of her mother. How she used to think of going back and have everything be as it once was. That shifted from when she first left, where she wanted to receive a hero’s welcome because she had gone and come back. Never thinking of the in-between.
Now that she was in it, she didn’t know if she could go back. Would they want her in Tir Asleen when she held no wisdom? No adventures. No riches.
Kit stood up and stared at the stars. She wondered if she would gradually go back to the person she was. Or if the arrow wound would always stick with her. Like a barb that broke inside her.
Shobayt said they were now intertwined, but Kit wonders what will happen when the time comes that she has to go back to Tir Asleen. Would she abandon her new friend the way she wanted to run from her old home?
Kit didn’t have any answers, and it was already late. She walked to the stone house, ready for its warmth.
//
//
There are days when Kit needs to remember the way the wind feels on her face, and she takes Eclipse with her. They run in the fields below the stone house.
She tells herself that it’s due to the speed that her tears fall from the corners of her eyes.
She feels so tender still, like the raised skin above her heart.
//
//
It is one of those sunny days, after months of cold wet weather, that they are outside in the garden. Kit is weeding and Shobayt is reading from her book of maxims. Occasionally looking up and telling Kit she was doing things wrong.
“If you want to pull these things out yourself, you are more than welcome to.” Kit says. Without much bite. Sweat falling into her eyes.
Shobayt looks up at her, considers it, and looks for her page in the book. “If I do everything for you, how will you learn to do it without me?”
She goes back to reading as soon as Kit can’t think of a snarky answer.
//
The sound of galloping hooves echoes across the fields and reaches their ears before the riders do.
Kit finishes what she is doing and washes her hands in the bucket hanging on the wooden fence she made to keep wild rabbits out of their garden.
When the bone reavers come for them, Kit unsheathes her sword and puts her body in between them and Shobayt. She knows she won’t be able to take them all, but she hopes it’s enough time for the other woman to ride away.
“Witch woman, we need your help!” They shout, looking behind her.
That’s when Kit sees that they’re carrying a limp man.
She sheathes her sword and springs into action. Although her body is still recovering, she helps carry his head and guides them towards the door. Shobayt has cleared the table for them.
This is a different dance she had shared with another. Before, Jade and her had moved naturally. Their blades and feet dancing together for so long that they could often know where the next blow would land and account for it.
With Shobayt, the old witch woman from the mountains, they have a different rhythm that is as natural as dancing with her sword used to be. She anticipates what is needed, taking blood-stained water to feed their plants, and brining in clean buckets from the caves that housed a deep well, fed from the mountain snowpack.
Kit comes back and the man’s shirt is cut off. Already ruined.
She takes his mask off. Beneath it, he is pale and scared. Kit knows that look. He is not ready for death.
“What’s your name?” She asks, touching his forehead. It’s hot, even though he is shaking like he’s cold.
“Charles.” He tells her.
She looks into his eyes and smooths his sweat-soaked hair from his forehead.
“Don’t worry Charles, it’s going to be okay.” She reassures him.
He nods and they keep tending to his wounds. Deep gashes, from a bear.
By the time they’re done, it’s been two moons. They slept in short shifts. Needing to make sure that Charles would live.
After three more moons, Charles’ fever breaks. Kit had cut near the sewn-up flesh and pushed out the white pus that had gathered beneath the skin. Then she packed the space around the wound with some herbs and tinctures, crushed into a paste on their mortar.
The men are still camped outside their home. Waiting for news. Kit comes out and before she can tell them that he will be ready to go home soon, a new rider comes in. She nearly falls back in terror and confusion. Her body reacting to a memory that had been forgotten for many moons.
That is the mask of the man that had shot her.
Fragments of that day on the road return. Pieces that were missing. She had hoisted Shobayt onto her horse and asked the woman for directions. She turned back to make sure they were outrunning the trolls and the bone reavers when an arrow pierced her. She had tried to fall from her horse so the woman could have it. But her body fell forward instead. As if it was being guided by someone’s gentle hand.
Kit is shaking, reminding herself to breathe, as he reaches the group.
She knows she says the right words. But all she really wants is to run away. Terror and duty root her to her spot. She wants to stay here, for her friend. Her mentor. But she also can’t make her body move. All she can do is re-live those terrifying moments again and again.
The man gets off his horse and his eyes cut through those memories.
Even if her body were as it had been, Kit doesn’t know if she could cut down this behemoth of a man.
Her feet are fixed, in terror, and he takes off his mask.
A feeling of familiarity hits her. His eyes are the same shape and color as Charles’ and suddenly she is wrapped up in strong arms and lifted off the ground as if she were weightless.
“I nearly killed you and when you had the opportunity to take your rightful vengeance upon my family, you chose a different path. I am grateful.” He tells her, before setting her down. Keeping a warm hand on her shoulder.
He whistles and his horse comes to him. He reaches into his saddle bags and brings out a beautiful, forest green outfit along with a large bolt of black cloth. It makes her think of Jade. How it would look perfect on her. It would make for a great cloak, and she can feel the fear melting as she thinks of Jade.
Kit accepts the gifts. “Thank you.” She tells him.
Guiding him towards his brother. Who was still laying on their table.
//
//
Winter starts rolling down from the mountains and they take their wagon, fill it with herbs, salves, and bottles in boxes. Wherever they fit. They pack up their chickens and head south, where the winters are milder.
“We missed the last two winters, but I’m sure we will find plenty of work in Galladoorn.” Shobayt tells her as they stop for the night.
Kit’s heart speeds up at the possibility of catching a glimpse of Jade. Of reuniting with her. She thinks of the cloth she keeps in her pack. Then, she remembers how she was exiled. How Jade had a duty to Tir Asleen. To the queen, her mother… and she feels the shame of it all burn away her excitement.
//
They take many moons to travel to Galladoorn. Stopping in small villages, inns, houses, and asking if they are in need of a healer. They seem wary of Kit but stop being apprehensive once they notice Shobayt. Who looks every bit the witch woman she is rumored to be.
Although they don’t use magic, having enough knowledge of the natural world, of herbs and things that can heal and take away pain, turn her into a witch in the minds of the people.
//
They healed those that had been injured. Helped birth babies. Make the pain less dreadful for those that could only be delivered to death’s door.
//
Sometimes Kit picked up extra work for a few coins or other things they could use for trade down in the big city. Chopping wood, mending fences, building furniture with spare plants and bits of wood. Replacing straw on roofs. Simple things she could do at the end of her workday. Other times, when there was no coin or objects to be exchanged, she asked that they spare some food for their animals and a warm place for Shobayt to rest.
She would sleep outside, in the wooden wagon. Surrounded by the gentle clucking of the chickens. Falling asleep easily, imagining Jade by her side. Pretending that this could have been one of their many adventures.
//
In Galladoorn, Kit works as Shobayt’s apprentice by day and picking up any odd jobs at night.
Her body is exhausted but she wants to earn enough coin to buy Jade something nice. Something that tells the other woman she was always on her mind. Even if she wasn’t on Jade’s.
On days when there is no work to do, she walks around the city, taking in the sights and she wonders if these streets are as familiar to Jade as the ones in Tir Asleen had been to them.
Sometimes, a couple of Knights of the Shining Legion pass her by, and Kit stops to scan their faces. Hoping to catch a glimpse of a face that seems forever etched on her heart.
//
Winter is about to be over, and Kit still hasn’t found anything that speaks to her. Until she walks through the shops with all the leather workers. There, behind the counter, lays a beautiful bedroll lined with fox fur and stuffed with feathers instead of straw or hay.
She walks up to the gruff looking merchant, with his full beard and distrustful eyes. Taking her in.
“How much for that bedroll?” She asks. Voice full of awe.
He scoffs, sizing her up. “One gold coin.”
Her shoulders fall. It would take at least another winter of hard work to earn enough for it. She takes another look at it and nods. Leaving.
//
After her work is done, sometimes she walks by the shop to admire the bedroll. She imagines how Jade’s tired body would appreciate it. The shop owner, so used to her coming by to stare at it, has lost interest in her.
He continues working on his leather goods. Using long threads dipped in beeswax to sew things together.
Kit looks up at the bedroll and knows that one day, it will be hers.
//
They leave the city as the ocean breeze starts to roll in with too warm weather.
Her coins are safely tucked inside their wagon. She had exchanged what she could for silver. To make the purse lighter.
The other coins she used at the farrier and carpenter. She watched them intently, wanting to learn everything she could. Even if she would never use it. It was nice to see how things were repaired. How their animals were taken care of.
//
//
The next winter they spend in Galladoorn, Kit’s heart beats faster at the possibility of being able to get Jade something as beautiful as that bedroll. She is so close to earning that gold coin that she can already picture Jade’s shy smile.
Winter is almost over, and she first makes sure they have enough money for the things they need.
Kit can finally go into that shop and use the gold coin she worked so hard to earn, to buy the fancy bedroll. The owner shows her how she should care for the leather wrap that needs to cover it. She pays close attention and tries to commit his instructions to memory.
The minute she steps out of the shop, with the bedroll wrapped in beautiful tan leather, Kit begins to doubt herself. She wants to turn back because she doesn’t know if Jade would even want it. If she would have use for it now that she was a part of the shinning legion.
Kit looks at the roll in her hands, although it is beautiful, she knows that before, when she lived in Tir Asleen, she could have gifted Jade something better. Made from exotic leathers by the best craftspeople in the kingdom. Those that worked in the castle, exclusively for the royal family.
Now, it had taken her two winters to purchase a bedroll and she doesn’t know if she would even see Jade again, beyond her dreams.
She goes back to the wagon, puts the bedroll away and goes to work. Pounding away at nails on a nobleman’s roof. He can afford to use the newest fashion: wooden shingles.
It’s dark before she gets off the roof. Each nail felt like she was pounding down the sad feeling she got whenever she thought about Jade. Now, she felt as flat as the heads of the nails she hit repeatedly.
Her entire body ached, and she fell into a dreamless sleep.
It took two more days of hammering away until the roof was done. She had ground down those feelings into the splintered wood. Until she could pretend, she wasn’t haunted by doubt.
//
//
The third winter in Galladoorn, Kit stays next to Shobayt the entire time. The older woman moves slower, still sharp, but slow. She spends their nights together teaching her how to read the ancient texts she carrier with her. Tells Kit how to decipher the drawings of plants and recipes in her careful script.
Kit doesn’t want to let her go. She can’t lose something so precious to her. Not like this. Not when they both can see the end, but it will still be unexpected as rain on a hot, cloudless day.
//
They need to return to the stone house much sooner than they expected. Shobayt tells Kit that they need to go back before the weeds bloom in their garden and the entire ride feels like a funeral procession.
Still, Kit tries to soak up every second they spend together.
//
They pass the turn towards the Barrier and Kit feels a pull to it. As if she could run fast enough to save herself the pain of losing her friend. She looks towards the setting sun and keep riding, next to the wagon and Shobayt.
No matter how tempting the call to run, to avoid death, Kit knows she can’t abandon Shobayt. Their lives would be intertwined until the end… and even beyond that.
//
Kit spends her time doing chores she would normally do. Drying herbs, cleaning up the stalls, cooking. Except, she lets herself slow down. Wanting Shobayt to enjoy their days together.
Most of the time, they spend outside. Shobayt’s white hair gleams as she soaks up rays of warmth. Kit reads to her friend. Struggling through the unfamiliar words as they pass her lips and get tangled up inside her.
She weeds the garden beneath the stars and the old witch woman tells her stories of her youth. How she lost her family to Bavmorda’s reign of terror and Kit feels her throat constrict around the truth. She looks down at her hands and feels shame. Her grandmother’s blood and spirit survived through Queen Sorsha and now, through her.
Kit tries to form the words, but she is mute.
She looks up and Shobayt’s white eyes are full of understanding. She swallows down what she feels and starts to tell the other woman what her full name is. But she is stopped by a hand on her knee.
“You look just like your father, but you have your mother’s spirit. I know who you are… and… to tell you the truth, I could have let you fall from the horse when we first met. I could have let you die by leaving the barb in. Pulling the arrow out, instead of pushing it through… there are a million ways I could have killed you, by accident or deliberately by my own hand.” Shobayt admits.
Kit feels sad and grateful for this woman who saved someone as dangerous as herself. She might not have magic running through her veins, but she was still part of a bloody legacy.
“But vengeance is hollow. It isn’t worth a thing to an old woman like me… I have already lost them. Even if I still grieve them, killing you wouldn’t bring them back… would it now?” She asks and Kit understands grief that is still an open wound.
“The funny thing is that my only legacy will be the demon queen’s grandchild… I told you we were destined for each other. Intertwined before you were even born… all my children and grandchildren were ground to dust, but you shall remain a little piece of me after this.” Shobayt admits. Tired.
//
//
The day Shobayt dies, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing in the forest. It carries through the fields below and it hurts to wake up in a house so empty of the old woman’s presence.
Kit embraces her body as she cries.
She goes outside to dig a hole next to the garden. The sun beats down on her back and all she can think about is how she doesn’t know how she can leave this house, this life, behind. She wonders who will travel around the kingdoms, reach the isolated houses and forgotten alleys in the cities to heal those that need it. The bone reavers in the forests, forgotten by her people and those in Galladoorn, until they need new slaves.
She washes herself and then washes Shobayt’s body. Reading from the book of maxims. She doesn’t know what to say at a funeral and she thinks that hearing her favorite passages will help guide her to wherever she needs to go.
Once she is clean and oils are applied to her hair and skin, she wraps her friend in a white sheet and carries the slight body in her arms. Gently setting her down next to her favorite patch of land. In the shadow of the mountains, her bones will grow beautiful flowers next spring.
The dirt is packed on top of her, and Kit hammers down the plank of wood that will serve as a headstone for her friend.
“Here lies the witch woman Shobayt. Nen mesy siaw.”
//
//
Kit continues with her winter preparations in a stone hut that was too small for two, but too big for just her.
She can’t sleep in Shobayt’s bed. Still preferring her spot by the fire.
Her herbs are drying and she is making careful work of all the salves and concoctions they… she needs to pack. Kit is still not used to being the only one here.
Sometimes she goes outside and kneels at Shobayt’s grave. She isn’t good at talking. At feeling things. So, she lets herself think about what she would say as she imagines herself going through the different steps involved in her favorite sword drills.
Other times, her blade cuts through the air as she tries to cut through the muddled way she feels. She doesn’t feel ready to go back to Tir Asleen. Doesn’t know if enough time has passed. She is still the same lost girl that left, except now, she is expected to be wiser. To be better.
//
People come through the fields for her help. She is the new witch woman that lives in the stone house below the mountains.
They all feel the absence of Shobayt. It is not because she is not there, sometimes Kit was alone in the stone house and would take care of visitors while Shobayt was away.
This time, they can feel it in Kit’s silence. In the way her fragile heart is trying not to crack as she sews skin back together. Breaks fevers. Helps babies be born in the same house her friend died.
Winter is slow to approach the mountains this year and it gives Kit plenty of time to prepare to leave.
//
//
She follows the same road they had always followed south to Galladoorn.
Stopping at houses and taverns. Farms and small villages that were on the way.
When she is near the turn that takes her towards the border of the Barrier, Kit knows it is time to come home.
The ride to the Barrier is as lonely as riding away from it was. Except, this time, a different kind of hurt is wrapped up in her heart. Pushing her forward in her journey.
She is stopped by the guards and doesn’t recognize any of them. She opens her mouth to introduce herself and instead of her full name, she calls herself the witch woman of the mountains. They eye her suspiciously; the entire kingdom is wary of magic. Knowing how it had been misused in the name of power.
Kit tells them that she has no actual magic, she is, in fact, a healer.
They still don’t come near her or let her pass. Until a brave soldier tells her he has a persistent pain on his shins that can’t be cured by soaking. He is shaking so much that Kit wonders how he doesn’t rattle inside his armor.
Kit nods and steps down from her wagon. She asks that he take off his armor, pull up his pants, and show her what troubles him. His friends crowd around them as Kit pokes at the bruise and rubs a soothing balm on it.
“You’re wearing your armor wrong.” She tells him. Everyone scoffs at her. Kit shows him how the pieces fit together. Muscle memory not forgetting things Jade and Ballantine taught her about properly worn armor.
His face shows her that this will no longer bruise and chafe but he’s too embarrassed to admit it.
The others sense a change in him and pat him on the shoulders and back. They excitedly pull out their coin pouches and beg to be treated next.
//
//
Kit drives her cart up the path that goes to the cliffs. Her heart beats faster as she thinks of Jade. Of home.
She makes a fire to cook her eggs and stares out towards the castle of Tir Asleen. She wants to take Eclipse and ride as fast as he can take her until they reach the gates. Kit wants Airk to hold her in his arms and for her mother to smile at her. To be happy she is back. She wants to know where Jade is. To find Kase and thank him for the knife, which helped her survive and heal.
Kit is daydreaming about the long nights spent out on the road, and how often she would dream about being right in this very spot. Where it all began.
//
//
The next day, she wakes up before daybreak. Staring out at the stars as they fade into a new day.
She guides her cart through the edges of the kingdom. Stopping to offer her services at each house. She is anxious to get home, but she is so afraid that she won’t be welcomed, that she does what she can to delay the rejection she is sure will come.
//
She reaches the castle gates near dusk.
The guards stop her at the gate. Asking that she state her business.
“Has Jade Claymore come back from the Shining Legion?” She answers their questions with one of her own. The one that has been guiding her cart since before she decided to take the fork towards the Barrier.
“Who are you?” They stand straighter, lances pointed in her direction.
“I’m the witch woman of the mountains.” She tells them, not giving out her name. So unused to being Kit Tanthalos, the daughter of Queen Sorsha and Madmartigan, that she can’t even bring herself to form the words with her mouth.
Before they can say anything else, she hears words that sound like music.
“This is the long-lost Princess of Tir Asleen, Kit Tanthalos, she may pass undisturbed.”
Kit turns her face and Jade is standing there, eyes looking forward at the men. She is wearing a red uniform beneath golden armor, same as the men in The Pacalcade. Showing that she is part of the of knights that serve the royal family of Tir Asleen.
“Jade.” She whispers her name as she jumps off her wagon and embraces the woman she had been asking about. Dreaming of since before she left the kingdom.
Jade stiffens at her touch. Not returning her hug.
“Princess.” She says her title, not her name and Kit feels that word, once playfully tossed at her, cut through the scar tissue above her heart and open the wound anew.
She steps back and tries to search for anything that Jade’s eyes will give away. Instead, Jade looks forward.
“Right.” Kit had spent so long outside these walls that she forgot that within them, she was still beholden to the people. She was still a Princess. No amount of time would erase that invisible line between her and her people.
“It’s good to see you.” She says truthfully, trying, but failing to hide the hurt in her voice. Kit turns around and climbs her wagon. She steals a quick glance at Jade and then she moves forward.