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It's been a few weeks since Solane's last day off and not only is her birthday fast approaching, but her request for vacation time is being reviewed by the council. However that's not what's got her distracted. Her date with Cal has left her feeling lighter than she has in years, but it also really called to her attention how much it still weighs on her the guilt of her mistakes since they arrived on Vertumna, she'd hoped that after they stopped the attacks she could finally be free of remorse, at peace with a job well done… But that wasn't what happened, instead it seems that those feelings have only exacerbated now that she's got more time to think about them.
"I admit I don't know much about tea making, but I'm pretty sure that's enough water Sugarbug" Sym says as he sees Solane overflowing the cup of blep tea in the kitchen, one of the benefits of being governor was the more comfortable space with a small kitchen and living room.
" Shit! " Is Solane's eloquent response. She’d finished today’s work earlier than expected and instead of reviewing upcoming projects for the tenth time or making the rounds around the colony in case she had vision that might prevent an accident like she usually does, she decided to go home early and make an action plan on how to solve those feelings, she didn’t even register when Sym got back. She also realizes Cal has not arrived at their home yet, and she wonders how often he might stay late in geoponics and she doesn’t notice because she always arrives after him.
“Everything alright? You seem more.. erratic than usual” Sym says, raising an eyebrow, appearing interested in his roommate's strange behavior, as Solane almost knocks down her cup in trying to clean up the mess.
“Everything is alright, Sym. Everything is fantastic ! We are at peace, things are calm, people are happy. So why does that make me so damn angry ”
That’s it. She’s angry, she’s sad, she’s grieving still, because she knows, she knows it could’ve been different, better. She’s seen futures where her parents are able to grow old together doing what they love, visions of Tammy grown up and beautiful and a mother. They keep appearing in her dreams only to be cruelly snatched away as soon as she wakes up, or even worse, having a vision of them in the middle of an important conversation, leaving her feeling desolated, trying to reconnect with the present and not to dwell on a future that will never be. Why does she keep seeing them even though a future where they are alive and happy is no longer possible?
She can’t even ask Sym to understand, he’s lived for so long without other sentient life on Vertumna and the gardeners aren’t individual consciousness like every human is. “Have you ever lost someone Sym? Someone you loved?” She asks even though she knows the answer.
“I didn’t have the concept of love before you arrived here Solane. I get the feeling this is not the answer you wanted, but no, I haven’t lost anyone I loved” Sol slumps her shoulders, she’s glad that Sym hasn’t gone through that, but she so desperately wants someone who understands what she’s going through.
“Then can you imagine it for a moment?” She asks in a small voice. Maybe it’ll be only a thought exercise, but if she can get Sym to understand… maybe then she’ll feel better? Or will she just push painful thoughts on someone else’s mind?
“Mmmm… I can try. I’d say there are humans that I love, you for example, and you humans do live such short lives so I guess it’s only a matter of a few decades for that to happen, it’d be a shame if your time came to be even shorter for a preventable reason but that’s also something that happens often with your species, I would miss you in this form Solane, there’s something tragic in the loss of someone so… unique. But I also know that once you die you’ll truly become part of Vertumna so you’ll become a part of the gardeners in a sense.” he responds laying his head on the back of his hand, with a lopsided smile. Sol feels like tearing out her hair, the “everyone dies eventually” answer is not what she is searching for. Being able to see the future changes things, as she goes to try to explain to Sym the sense of responsibility over the lives of others that comes with the visions, the entrance door opens and they hear a familiar deep voice.
“Hey Sym! Have you ever tried caramelized bobber fruit? It’s amazing dude, I brought some to cele- Sol! Hi! you’re here early” he says with a radiant smile and goes to greet her with a peck on the lips as he leaves the food on their living room table, then he notices how tense Solane is and how confused Sym looks.
“Uhhhh, did something happen?” Cal asks as he alternates looking between them.
“I apologize, I believe I might have, unknowingly, said something I shouldn’t have” answers Sym deep in thought, then looks at Cal “I’m afraid I will not be able to accompany you for dinner tonight as Dys and I are going camping” He adds.
“Camping?” repeats Cal.
“Yes” Sym responds with no further explanation, as he leaves he says over his shoulder “Take care Sugarbugs”
Once he’s gone Cal leans his hand on Sol’s shoulder “Did Sym say something too weird?... Or is it something else? You’ve been quiet this lasts days”
Solane tenses, she wanted Sym to understand, the alternative was talking to one of the other colonist about it, most of them would believe she’s crazy and that’s not a good look on their governor, Marz might believe her, they were childhood best friends after all but they’ve drifted apart these last years… or perhaps Dys, he and Sym are really close… But Dys and Sol aren’t as close. Probably the person who’s most likely to try to understand is the one standing next to her. Cal’s never one to push for information, so if he’s trying to get her to talk he must be getting really worried.
“We were just talking…” she can’t make up her mind, to tell him or not to tell him about the visions, Cal waits a bit for her to continue and when she doesn’t, he replies “How about we sit to eat these caramelized bobber fruits and then you can tell me what’s on your mind” Sol keeps quiet, then gives him a small nod.
She sits on their sofa and tries to organize her thoughts, to start talking about Tammy or her parents would feel too sudden, she needs to ease him into it.
When Cal arrives with the plate of sweets and two Blep teas, she still has no idea of what to tell him. He sips his tea quietly, patiently waiting for her to find the words. In the end she decides that Sym might be the best connection to that topic. “What do you know about Sym’s visions?”
“Ah, he’s tried to explain them to me, he can’t really express what he experiences as a gardener in human terms, says that are like dreams. I actually spoke a bit with Tangent about it”
“You what now?” Sol asks surprised.
“Well, She was performing some experiments with the pixie beans in the xenobotany lab and I was keeping her company telling her a story Sym told me about how he saved you from stepping on a snapbladder nest thanks to a vision y’know, since that story is hilarious, and Tangent started talking about how Sym's "future sight" might be some probability based calculations, since gardeners are like organic AI and they are interconnected with the planet and stuff, they may be able to perform more accurate predictions than even Congruence could. And then I was like Whoa that totally makes sense! So… if he made some weird prediction, it might be likely to happen but it’s nothing sure… if it worries you, perhaps we could try to do something about it?” he tries to reassure her with a soft smile.
Well, this wasn't going like she wanted to. Cal seemed to think Sym was just a really good calculator and that Sol was worried about one of the results. She was thankful he was trying to help, but he was missing the point. “But… what if the person that got those visions was a human?” She inquires nervously.
Cal looks at her questioningly “Like what if someone in the colony could see dreams of the future? Why? Has someone started saying the end is near?” Cal tries to joke. “I can’t really imagine it, for someone in the colony to suddenly start having premonitions, first I’d be more worried they’d be abusing the recreative plants on geoponics”.
“And what if it wasn’t that they suddenly started having premonitions, what if they've been having them ever since they were a child” Sol says holding her cup tighter. She could feel him shift to look at her but she keeps her gaze unfocused in front of her, memories of her childhood resurfacing.
Cal sounded like he was trying to keep his tone light “I know not everyone in the colony gets along, but honestly I can’t picture anyone knowing of the attacks and not tryin’ to stop them, or warn the people involved-”
“But what if they didn’t know those were visions of the future, what if they were confusing and scary, and their parents kept trying to tell her she was just imagining things-” She had started to speak faster, she needed Cal to believe her, he could blame her as much as he wanted but she couldn’t stand him thinking she was delusional.
Cal tries to hold her shoulders and catch her eyes but she won’t look at him “Sol, this weirdly speci-”
“ What if she really tried Cal, what if once she realized those were visions she tried with everything she had to make things right, but there was already so much death , she’d already messed up too much and she could only try to salvage what was left” She tells him fast, barely understandable because of her trembling voice. Her vision was blurry, she was tearing up and doesn’t know if Cal managed to understand what she’s been trying to tell him, her chest was feeling tighter and it was making it difficult to breath, why couldn't she breath, her heart feels like it’s going to beat out of her chest, everything was black and she could feel her body trembling, by the wormhole, is this how she’s going to die?
“Solane, Dustmelon, I think you’re having a panic attack” Somehow she could still hear Cal’s steady voice over the noise of her blood rushing through ears, but it was hard to concentrate on the words when for some reason she couldn’t get enough air inside her lungs .
“I’m here, I know it’s hard but I’ll need you to breathe with me okay?” Cal starts to breathe slowly, but Solane can’t follow him, she can’t see anything and the lack of air was getting her light headed.
“Okay, let’s try something different, can you open your eyes for me?” everything was dark, was it because her eyes were closed? As she tries to open her eyes she realizes her fists are pressed against them, she manages to lower her hands a bit and open her eyes, seeing Cal kneeling in front of her.
“Very good. Do you see my hand” He raises his hand slowly and Sol gives a jerk of her head that Cal interprets as a nod.
“Good. Now let’s breathe in time with my hand okay?” Solane doesn’t respond, just keeps blinking trying to focus on his hand. “We breathe in” he says as he slowly gets his hand up higher and Solane manages to take some shaky breaths in. “We keep it for a moment” He says with his hand making a fist, she keeps trembling while trying to follow Cal. “Then we let it out” He finishes opening his hand and lowering it palm down, she exhales.
“Well done, now we do it again. Breath in. Maintain. And let it out” Cal keeps repeating the exercise, accompanying his instruction with smooth movements of his hand and the more that Solane manages to follow it, the easier it becomes to breathe until eventually she can see more clearly and stop trembling.
“Do you feel better or do we continue with the exercises for a bit?” Cal asks softly, he was still really close, with one hand on her shoulder and the other resting on his tight after finishing the last breathing exercise.
“I can breathe now, thank you, I don’t know what I would've done without you here” She says, voice raspy.
“That’s okay, Ver gets panic attacks sometimes so everyone at home is quite familiar with the situation” He tells her with a reassuring smile. She actually remembers seeing uncle Ver in the stratospheric on the verge of a panic attack, luckly auntie Tirah was there and managed to control the situation, then Cal had told her that was why Perseverance often evaded crowded areas and even tough he was one of his parents he had a room for himself.
“Let me see your hands” Cal tells her, she extends her hands in front of her and he carefully turns them over, seeing the back of her left hand an angry red she remembers her blep tea, her eyes go to the cup laying sideways, its contents now a pink stain on the carpet.
“It doesn’t look bad, but better be careful. Let's run them through some water and apply some burn cream”
It was nothing really, she’d gotten worse burns exploring the Wresting Ridges in dust, but the calm way that Cal tended to her injury was helping her to compose herself after what happened, so she just looked at his hands as he worked.
Once they’re back on the couch and he finishes applying the burn cream she sees his shoulders drop, while still carefully holding her hand he looks up to her, his troubled eyes wholly focussed on her “Sol, this might not be the best time given what just happened but… I’m worried about you, and if whatever’s happening has been affecting you this much I think it would be best if we talked about it, I’m not sure I will be of help, but I’m here to listen”
She sighs, trying to talk to him is what got them into this situation, still she already started to reveal, albeit somewhat erratically, what was happening and that would probably have Cal permanently uneasy unless they resolve the issue. “Yes, I think that would be the best” She responds quietly.
He nods, not letting go of her hand.
“The thing I was saying, about what if a colonist had visions of the future… that was about me.” She could feel Cal’s hand holding on tighter. “Since when we were kids I’ve been having… dreams, sometimes about our friends, but other times they were about people that felt familiar, as if they were important to me somehow, at first I thought they were just dreams y’know, but then it started happening while I was awake. I would see something that was about to happen and then it did … or sometimes it didn’t, my parents thought I had an overactive imagination and Marz called me a liar whenever one of my predictions wouldn’t come true, so in the beginning I mostly tried to ignore it. After we crossed the wormhole the visions got worse, I could have several at once, leaving me dizzy and confused, sometimes they even contradicted each other, there were other times I couldn’t remember them, only leaving a feeling that something would go wrong. The day that Tammy-” She felt a familiar stab of pain whenever she remembers that moment, she concentrates on the feeling of Cal’s hands on her own and continues. “ That day she woke me up from a dream where she died in the creche and I- I just ignored it and went to get candy ” Her vision gets blurry again so she uses her free hand to wipe her eyes. Cal hasn’t said anything yet and she can’t muster up the courage to look at his eyes, but she can feel his gaze on her.
“And it wasn’t just her, I had some dream, vision or feeling for almost every death that was important to me and i didn’t do anything ” She wants to apologize to them, to her mom, her dad, Tammy, Kom, uncle Tonin, professor Hal, Eudicot and every member of the colony that died in the attacks, they died because they had the bad luck that their Sol was stupid.
“But… when we arrived at Vertumna you looked so… carefree, I know we didn’t hang out much then, but when I saw you around the colony you were usually playing sportsball or hanging out with Marz in the depot”
She gives an humorless laugh. “Yeah, that was part of the whole ignoring the visions strategy that I had back then” She remembers that time, she was always searching for a distraction, playing, gossiping about the other colonist and nanoprinting clothes (“Wear something that makes you feel powerful and nobody will stop you” Marz had told her then, and she had been right). And the times that distractions didn’t work she would find comfort with her dad, she trusted him the most and he said she shouldn’t worry so she tried not to.
Those first few years on Vertumna she only talked with Cal when he made a new game or when she was searching for her dad, thinking he was such a stick in the mud for preferring to shovel dirt to playing sportball with her and Nem, at least until the day that her mother asked her to search for something in the barn and she happened to find Cal with Socks. At the time it was a perfect distraction, a little creature she could care for, some new life to take her mind off so much death, but then it came the famine, socks stopped eating and a few months later she found that she was no longer in the barn. She remembers the resentment, socks had chosen not to eat while the colony was starving and then she just left?
The loss of socks, the year spent side by side with Cal on geoponics trying to outwork the famine and the death of her mother it’s what really started a camaraderie between them.
“Once mom died I couldn’t just keep ignoring them but I also couldn’t just accept them! Because that meant that I just let all those people die! And that glow I was still useless, worse than useless, Kom died trying to protect me. After that my dad’s death haunted my dreams, I knew It would be because of the shimmer, I also knew there was a place outside of the colony with the key for a cure, a place with answers, but-” a sob doesn’t let her finish her sentence, she takes a shaky breath and continues, if she stops now she doesn’t know if she would be able to talk about this again. “But even then I wasn’t enough, I found Sym in the valley of vertigo but I didn’t get to the samples of the fungus in time. I wasn’t even there when he died. The only good things I managed to do thanks of the visions were befriending Sym and making the deal with the overseer”
That’s it, she told him. Finally another person knows, finally she will face judgement for her actions. And even though she’s terrified of how Cal will respond, part of her is also glad that she’ll finally get what she deserves, every time a colonist congratulates her for how hard she worked during the famine she wants to throw up, every time they talk about her contribution to the survey teams she feels the knife twist on her chest, every time they thank her for her work as a mayor she wants to tear out her hair, every time they say how much of an example she’s grown up to be she wants to scream at them, I am a fraud, you should hate me .
And now Cal, Cal, the boy who wanted to create games with no winners or losers so nobody would feel bad. The one who cared so tenderly for every plant, creature or person he dedicated himself to. The teen whose grief for her parents almost matches her own. The man that made her genuinely laugh again, that renew her love for her colony and for Vertumna. The person she fell for, the only one that she selfishly wants to keep by her side, knows the truth.
“Solane…” He lets go of her and she feel her blood run cold for a moment, but then she feels his hands on either side of her face, thumb wiping away the tears as he lift her head so their eyes make contact, and what she sees there is not the anger or the betrayal she expected, but rather deep concern, for her or for her mental health she’s not sure “and your… nightmares? Do you still see…”
She shrugs “Sometimes they are visions of them, sometimes they are not”
He looks pained. “Oh Sol…” He doesn’t say anything else, only embraces her and that is what breaks her, she lets out a choked noise and starts to cry, violent sobs that rack her whole body as she holds onto him with all her strength.
“ I’m sorry, I’m so sorry ” Is the only thing she can say, over and over. She feels him tighten his arms around her.
She cries for a while, a catharsis built over ten years of guilt, and the whole time Cal stays there, with her.
When the piercing cries have subsided into sniffles, she puts her hands on his shoulders and pushes him away so she can look at him, his eyes are red rimmed and so sad, but she has to confront this. “You still haven’t told me what you think about what we talked about”
“It’s just… a lot to process, but somehow it explains somethings? Like how your dad sometimes mentioned he could never surprise you or talked about how the stories you “made up” were similar to what we found when we landed on Vertumna, or how shortly after you started to go out of the colony you found old settlements and alien tech, no to mention how you actually found living, breathing aliens, even though the surveyors had been exploring those areas for years. And then there’s Sym… I think he might have actually tried to imply that some humans could have visions like him but I just thought he was joking”
“So, you… believe me?” She says incredulously.
“Yes, I can’t imagine you making up something like this” he tells her seriously.
“You’re lying.” She says, taking him by surprise.
“What?” He says confused.
“You have to be lying, if you really believed me you wouldn't be so calm! You’d be angry! You’d hate me!” Part of her knows he isn’t lying (he’s awful at it), but still, it doesn’t make sense, she doesn’t want him to hate her but it doesn’t mean it isn’t what she deserves.
“Sol, why would I hate you?”
Couldn’t he see? Was this some kind of cruel joke to get back at her the pain she’d caused him? No, that wasn’t like him, he just didn’t fully grasp what she’d done, so she had to make him understand “Why? WHY? I just told you why! It was my fault your precious princess died, that your pet escaped, that your heroes died, that over half of the colony was destroyed!”
He looks as he’d received a physical blow “That wasn’t your fault Sol. I might not understand how this future vision stuff works, but you said that they were confusing, contradictory and sometimes didn’t even happen, how can you ask a child to sort through that? Premonitions or not it's not up to one person to save the colony, much less a kid. Our life on this planet has been hard, we’ve been through so much loss, but I’ve made peace with that, and while I knew you still mourned I never thought you took it so personally. Their death wasn’t your fault, the fact that it still hurts you so much is proof of how much you loved them, of how much you still love them” Cal tells her, voice unwavering his eyes puffy but looking at her earnestly begging her to believe him, and she does, even though she lashed out to him, she believes that he doesn’t blame her. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much you were hurting”
Solane feels exhausted, she doesn’t have any tears left to cry, so she just leans once again on Cal's embrace.
“Today’s been I long day, how about we go to rest?” He says and Solane nods, but as she goes to stand up, he picks her up on a princess carry.
“Cal, you don’t have to-” she goes to protest.
“Please, for me?” he says, and with the tremble on his voice that had until then kept steady through their whole conversation, she could only comply.
As soon as she touches their bed she feels her eyes closing “I’ve got to set the alarm” she says but she can’t muster up the energy to open her holopalm
“Let me worry about that” is the last thing she hears before succumbing to sleep.
Mercifully it was dreamless.
The next day she wakes up slowly, her body feels fatigued and she can feel a headache incoming, but that’s nothing new, what it is different is the slight pain in her hand when she tries to pull up the covers and that makes her remember. Right, last night she’d told Cal about the dreams…
When she turned around to look at him she finds his side of the bed is cold, did he leave for geoponics already? When she opens her holopalm and looks at the time she throws herself out of bed. Fuck, it’s really late, past time for lunch. She puts on the first clothes she finds in the closet and leaves their bedroom.
“Sol, you’re up” Cal says from the couch rubbing his eyes, he’s still wearing yesterday's clothes and looks as tired as she feels
“Sorry, can’t talk. Late” she says as she tries to dash towards the door, however Cal manages to get in front of her so she ends up colliding with his chest.
“Woah there, not so fast. You can take it easy, they’re not expecting you in administration today” he says holding onto her shoulders, this close she can see the bags under his eyes, did he sleep at all last night?
“What?”
“I was supposed to surprise you yesterday…” He straightens his back and says with a serious tone but playful look in his eyes “Governor Solane, your request has been amended and approved, you’ve been granted a month of vacation time”
“ What? ”
He sighs “Seriously Sol three days don’t count as a vacation. We talked about it with the council and decided we should give you as much time as we could, in the end we settled on a month, they wanted to inform you before but I asked them not to because I wanted to surprise you at dinner, and then, well, y’know”
“And what about you?” She says, still trying to process the information, what was she going to do with so much free time?
“I was going to start my own two week vacation in a few days so I just talked it over with the other agriculturist so I could start today instead”
“Oh…” Was the only thing she could respond.
The silence that follows starts to feel oppressive as they think over what transpired last night.
“Solane, I spent last night thinking about what you told me. I said then that I believe you and I mean that. I believe you and don’t think what happened was your fault” he gives a deep sigh “knowing you, that probably won’t be enough to change how you feel about it. But I would like if you keep talking to me about it. It doesn’t have to be right now, we have plenty of time to have serious conversations, but I want you to know that I’ll always be willing to listen. I love you Solane, I want to understand what you’re going through” as he says that his gaze is locked on hers, the intensity of it makes her feel like she’s pinned on the spot.
“Okay, I’ll try to be more open about the visions” She says and the tension seems to leave Cal’s body. She doesn’t deserve him, but as long as he wants her by his side she’ll selfishly stay with him.
“Thank you” he replies as he leans in for a kiss, giving her the time to pull back if she chooses, instead she leans in to meet his lips in a chaste kiss, her hand on his cheek, feeling his stubble scratch at her palm.
As they separate the smile she gives him is sincere. “We should do something about food, I’m not sure they are still serving lunch at the cafeteria”
“Yes! I’m starving. I’m sure the governor and chief cultivator can figure out something with what we have in the pantry”
As she crosses a mirror she catches a look of her reflection and starts laughing uproariously “Weren’t you going to tell me I look ridiculous”
“So you’d change clothes? Come on! You totally make that outfit work!” He answers trying to keep a straight face.
“I do not! How did your boxers get mixed with my shorts and how did I not notice?” She tries to admonishes but her smile betrays her.
He can’t stifle his chuckles then. “Why were you going to wear shorts? We’re on quiet! You feel cold!”
“Well I’m certainly cold now!” And as Sol looks at him, head tilted back in laughter she feels that they’ll be okay.