Work Text:
A quiet Agency meant a bored Dazai and a bored Dazai meant he went searching for absolutely anything that could possibly entertain him. Usually, Kunikida was a safe choice but he wasn’t huddled over at his desk like he normally was which meant he wasn’t so easy to pester. Second safest was Atsushi but he wasn’t there either. It didn’t take much of a search to find him though. Atsushi stood anxiously at the door to the conference room, obvious looks of concern on his face. Curious as to what had gotten Atsushi so curious, Dazai approached and gently tapped him on the shoulder. Dazai’s sudden appearance caused Atsushi to practically jump out of his skin. His white face only regained colour as he realised that it was just Dazai but his relief was soon interrupted by an overwhelming sense of urgency as he grabbed Dazai’s arm and began pulling him away.
“A-Atsushi-kun! Ow, ow, ow! I have delicate limbs!” Dazai whined, though Atsushi wasn’t actually pulling on him so hard.
Eventually, they stopped by the couch and Atsushi’s eyes flicked between Dazai and the ground anxiously.
“Atsushi-kun, you’re looking lovely and paranoid today!” Dazai grinned, “Have Kunikida-kun’s neurotic tendencies become contagious?”
Atsushi gulped at the mention of Kunikida’s name and suddenly this wasn’t a fun excuse to tease his anxious junior. There was something wrong.
“Atsushi-kun, breathing and explaining time, okay?” he pushed gently hoping his smile seemed genuine and comforting rather than forceful and a bit passive-aggressivelyy fed up with him.
Atsushi took a little breath before he steeled his resolve, looking Dazai directly in the eyes. “If you had completely and utterly lost your mind beyond your usual insanity, you’d want me to tell Kunikida-san, right?”
An odd question but an easy enough one to answer. “Of course,” he said.
“And… Kunikida-san would… He’d want the same, right? Because he knows I wouldn’t be equipped to help him. It’d have to be you since you know him best?”
Growing ever curious, Dazai nodded insistently. “You know I want nothing but the best for my dear partner.”
Ignoring all the empirical evidence that would suggest that to be false, Atsushi innocently nodded. “Well, Dazai-san he… I’ve been watching Kunikida-san all morning and… I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Oh?”
“He looks the same way you did when you ate that poisonous mushroom…” Atsushi shuddered at the memory, “He’s been scribbling in his notebook for the past hour or so — not neatly like normal! The pages are piling up around him and I’m afraid he’s going to run out of paper soon! I don’t know what’s gotten him so obsessive but I’m really worried!”
Dazai had seen him like that before. Normally, after the greatest waves of grief, Kunikida would quickly switch into the highest gear of mania until he practically collapsed from exhaustion. Working obsessively meant he not only didn’t have to think about it but the exhaustion that sent him into a coma-like slumber meant he didn’t have to dream about it either. That was his logic, anyway. Realistically, his mind got so occupied with the object of grief that the quality of his work suffered for it immensely. And all he’d dream about was that same object. Working harder — working more efficiently — none of it proved to be all that efficient when he was trying to repress something major. It was strange for him to be tearing up his notebook though. It’d usually be work that he messed with, not his schedule or his ideals. Terribly, Dazai couldn’t tell whether the fire that ignited within him was one of worry or one of the most brilliant and excitable curiosity.
“You needn’t worry, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai attempted to comfort him, “Kunikida-kun just gets a bit crazy sometimes. It’s cute.”
“How can you call it cute?! I’m so— He’s so—!”
“Listen here, Atsushi-kun, you’ll come to learn that everyone at the Agency has little spells like this. We all go crazy one way or another but we’re all still here and we all still make up the magnificent Armed Detective Agency. I don’t wish it upon you but if you one day lose it and start jabbering nonsense or tearing up papers or causing a scene in public, know that we’ll never hold it against you, okay?”
It seemed like it was maybe meant to be a loving speech from mentor to mentee. It seemed like there was meant to be some beautiful sentiment to take from this. But Atsushi wasn’t feeling it. “Huh?” was all he could fathom to respond.
Dazai’s smile softened with insecurity but to Atsushi, it would have just looked like he softened to his naivety. “Nevermind,” he said, “Um… Kunikida-kun will be fine. I’m his partner, I know him better than anyone. And if you’re really so worried about him I promise I won’t use this as an opportunity to rile him up just a bit.”
“Wait, Dazai-san! Please don’t mess with him right now! Now more than ever, restrain yourself, I beg you!”
“I… just said I wouldn’t?”
“Oh…” Atsushi said, “You did, huh… But really! I want to help him but I just don’t know how. If you know how and you don’t help, I’ll be really upset… So, please, Dazai-san… help him…”
Atsushi was one of the only things in the world that made Dazai’s heart waver like this. He wasn’t even planning on messing with Kunikida — unless it would have been especially funny — but now it seemed, even if he wanted to, there was some cage around his heart that would have stopped him from enjoying it. Atsushi’s strength was truly intimidating.
“Don’t you worry, ‘kay?” Dazai said, “When Kunikida gets like this, the best thing to do is wait ‘til he exhausts himself. He won’t listen to reason until he’s at his most vulnerable. It’s easiest to take care of him when all his inhibitions melt away. He’s fragile and that’s why he’ll refuse help, because he doesn’t want to feel fragile. He’d rather crack into a million pieces than admit fragility. So, we handle him with care but only when he’s unable to register our gentleness. For now, leave him be. He’s likely not above strangling even you. And he’s likely not to be so kind in restraining his strength on me either. Kunikida’s the kindest that we have around here. That’s why when that big heart of his is broken he becomes one of the most dangerous people you’ll ever meet. Even if the sweetest things are given to him, he can't find it in himself to see it as anything but an insult… to both him and… well, the people who are no longer with us and thus cannot see it for themselves. Does that make sense?”
Atsushi blinked at him a little bit before providing a somewhat uncertain, “Yes.”
“He doesn’t deserve kindness,” Dazai further explained, “He doesn’t think he does, anyway. He’ll be uncharacteristically mean about everything to make sure you think he doesn’t either. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you any less, it just means he can’t stand to be loved right now. You don’t have to worry, I’ll take care of him. I know how to tread lightly when I have to. Just go about your work, Atsushi-kun and be ready to be there for him when he’s recovered, okay?”
“O-Okay! I can do that. Are you sure that’s all I can—”
“That’s all, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai said, firmly.
Atsushi nodded quickly, “R-Right. Thank you, Dazai-san.”
“Thank you for telling me,” said Dazai.
Atsushi nodded and, with apprehension, returned to his desk. To ask the kid to walk away like that was probably cruel but until Dazai actually knew for sure what was going on, he didn’t want Kunikida to say something he shouldn’t. The kid was tough but that was because he hadn’t been loved until now. If there was the chance that something said could disrupt the safety he felt at the Agency, Dazai felt some sense of duty to prevent that. Plus, he thought it might be more interesting if he did this alone.
He waddled on over and stuck his head through the door of the conference room. The image was nothing less than Atsushi’s description. The papers were piling up around him and his heavy breathing which almost sounded like gasps for air made it sound like he was drowning. His ears were red which made him look feverish and his eyes were looking everywhere all at once which was probably why Atsushi reached the conclusion that he’d lost his mind completely. Something had set Kunikida off into more madness than usual. It wasn’t a case though, Dazai would know if it was a case considering, despite not doing his job so well, he knew everything that went on in the Agency. It could have been a grievous anniversary but considering the amount he flicked through Kunikida’s notebook he was sure he’d remember. This was something he’d bottled up only to let it explode. He was so naturally emotional it drove Dazai insane to think he’d ever try to repress any of it. Regardless, he wouldn’t get through to him in this state. Knowing he was so caught up in his own thoughts that he wouldn’t notice much change around him, Dazai slipped inside and took a seat on the floor of the conference room. He could watch him at least and make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.
It was a couple more hours of grumbling to himself and scribbling but eventually, just as Dazai predicted, he exhausted himself and soon he lay on the desk, breathing softened even if his brow still managed to be furrowed in unconsciousness. For the amount of times he’d told Dazai off for doing the exact same thing, Dazai had to physically fight the urge to wake and scold him. Instead, he stole a blanket from the couch outside and gently placed it over his shoulders before carefully removing his glasses from his face so he didn’t crush them if he moved around too much. What may have seemed like a kind gesture was anything but as, once Kunikida was comfortable and not likely to wake, it gave Dazai the opportunity to snoop without concern.
He picked up and unscrunched the closest piece to him with eager curiosity. ‘ Step 3,’ it said, ‘ Form the words’. An arrow led up presumably to the other side of the paper but before he could read it, another piece caught his attention. ‘ Elegant features. Gentle eyes when it counted’. Dazai was piecing things together piece by piece. ‘ Step 2.5: Present flower.’ But ‘flower’ was crossed out with an asterisked ‘Too cliche? Research other gifts’. What had caused Kunikida’s mental break became abundantly clear when Dazai found another piece of paper. It was his list of spousal requirements he’d freakily curated. But it wasn’t just the list. Each of the 58 had either been circled or crossed presumably in line with someone Kunikida was cripplingly interested in. Kunikida’s heart tended to fall quite easily and Dazai often found him cross-checking his notebook with the lady in front of him, trying to be discreet. But it had never gotten this bad before. He’d never seen Kunikida exhaust himself before. He must have been serious. 10 — maybe 100x more serious than he ever had. It wasn’t at the point in his timeline that he was meant to start pursuing love like this but maybe that was exactly why it’d broken him. He’d fallen so hard that he couldn’t even wait and adhere to the things he governed his every action by. Kunikida had fallen in love. More than that, even. Kunikida had found his everything. He’d never compromised on his ideals but now he had decided to. The lucky lady who was able to inspire such a drastic change must have been the most intellectually and aesthetically impressive creature to grace the Earth.
Truthfully, Dazai had never been able to fully realise what Kunikida’s type was beyond that terrifyingly curated and somewhat superficial list. Despite all the traits literally laid out in front of him, he could never quite picture the kind of girl that could move Kunikida’s heart beyond ideals. He knew Kunikida well by now but that was one of the few things he couldn’t bring himself to imagine. And it wasn’t necessarily because it would have been tricky to pinpoint; Kunikida didn’t even wear his heart on his sleeve, he held it in his hands and showed it to you every few minutes like a child shows bugs to their parents. Dazai was sure if he put some thought into it he’d be able to figure it out in no more than a few moments. But there was something that stopped him. It was some kind of pain he wasn’t used to and certainly wasn’t interested in. The more he considered thinking about it the larger that pain grew until eventually he stopped himself knowing it would be even more painful to push through it. It was easy to walk away knowing it’d spare him from that suffering but also knowing it meant that he wouldn’t be able to analyse himself enough to find out where that hurt came from. But now, he had no choice. He felt himself being engulfed by the most terrible agony and it wasn’t like he could just leave or stop thinking and it would go away. It wasn’t going away this time and it wouldn’t because, no matter where he was in the world, he’d live with the knowledge that Kunikida was quite literally crazy for someone. It wasn’t curiosity that possessed him anymore, it was something much more vile. Now was as good a time as any to realise that his heart was breaking.
He began digging through the papers with a similar sense of madness to what Kunikida had when he scribbled them. He stopped being careful to wake Kunikida, not because he wanted him to wake up but because he had simply forgotten it in his flurry. He kept reading kind words, Kunikida’s voice speaking them, infecting his brain like a terrible disease. Reading all of this was sickening. He’d never heard Kunikida be so soft on someone like this. He’d never heard him be in love. And the more he read the more he couldn’t believe him. Without conscious effort, he was comparing every trait listed to his own arsenal of appeal, and comparing every idea for how to confess with what he would have wanted. The worst part was all it led to was the repeated aching feeling of 'Why not me?’
Selfishly and terribly, Dazai couldn’t help but see himself in this mess. He couldn’t help but project himself onto the girl Kunikida had fallen for. It was not a good time to realise his heart was breaking as there was actually no good time to realise that. If he weren’t burning with jealousy and rage towards this girl who resembled him more than he ever thought possible he would have probably cried. Well, he wouldn’t have, but he felt, if he were normal, he could find the ability to. Maybe there was something more comforting about Kunikida’s hopelessness with women than he ever even fathomed. Maybe it was why it was so important to him that they were partners. Maybe it was why he took so much delight in the fact that neither of them would get anything done without the other. It was a terrible time to realise it as it was more than too late now but he might have been in love with Kunikida.
Dazai put down all the pieces of paper he’d read back in the mess on the table and leaned back against the chair he’d taken a seat in. The pain he was in felt strong enough to kill a man and he couldn’t help but smile in the face of it. His intellect was practically all he was good for and yet it failed him when it came to his own happiness. What a wicked curse this was. What a cruel and hellish torture technique that had been inflicted upon him, no doubt as punishment for all the wrong he’d done in his life. It was probably apt and fair but he was selfish enough to think that maybe it wasn’t and maybe this was beyond brutality. Maybe it was inhumane. But maybe he wasn’t human enough to make that argument. His smile morphed into something else and he began to laugh to himself. What else could he do but laugh at his own stupidity?
Kunikida’s head felt heavy but it was cushioned by the soft sound that awoke him. It was gentle and pleasant and a nice change of pace to the pulsing of his head and heart. He blinked his eyes open a bit only to remember the state he fell asleep in. He quickly woke up when he recognised it, sitting up straight and quickly looking around. His eyes soon found another pair of eyes and they locked on to and stared at each other. Neither of them dared to speak for a while, both feeling like they’d been caught holding the murder weapon. Kunikida couldn’t proceed until he knew just how much Dazai now knew and Dazai couldn’t as he didn’t want to reveal just how much he knew. They were at a standstill. Neither of them knew how much time had passed with the two of them just staring at each other like deer but it must have been a while. It was driving them both a bit insane knowing neither had the upper hand except Dazai realised that he kind of did have the upper hand. Well, not really but, if he could tease without revealing just how much he was hurt, he’d manage to convince Kunikida that he did. That was the best outcome. It was the only outcome he would tolerate even though it was the most intolerable thing he felt he could do.
“So, Kunikida-kun,” Dazai forced a smile and rested his chin on his hand as though nothing was wrong, “Who’s the lucky lady?”
Oh. Dazai hadn’t put together as much as Kunikida thought he would have. He blinked at Dazai a little before realising he was probably just messing with him. Maybe.
“Lady?” Kunikida replied.
“Yeah! You know! The one you’ve gone crazy for! The elegant features and soft brown eyes beauty you’re so enamoured with! Who is she?!” Dazai found desperation bleeding into his false enthusiasm. This was dangerous.
“You… How much did you read?” Kunikida remained patient for the first time ever after Dazai read his notebook. That was, of course, because it was his own fault he was so careless. But also because it seemed to be the first time Dazai didn’t have all the answers.
“I read enough,” he said.
“But not all of it?”
“I didn’t find I needed to.”
“I wish you’d practise that restraint every day,” Kunikida grumbled.
Dazai forced a giggle, “I’m sure you would.”
“So… You really don’t know?”
“Know what?”
He didn’t know. “N… Nothing…”
“Well, who is she?”
“You’re an idiot, aren’t you…” Kunikida sighed.
Dazai didn’t disagree. But felt he should on principle. “Well, you’re stuck with me…”
That was truer than Dazai even knew. “You really don’t know?”
“Know what?” Dazai was getting frustrated now which was unlike him.
Kunikida stood up and began digging through the sea of papers. Dazai watched, curiosity returning to him and overtaking the funk he’d originally settled into. Kunikida was pushing papers onto the floor without a care until he finally reached the bottom. He picked up the piece of paper with shaking hands and Dazai could only assume that it was the first piece. Kunikida looked at him and swallowed nervously.
“This… This wasn’t the plan…” Kunikida said, handing over the piece of paper towards Dazai.
Dazai took it with care and examined Kunikida’s face once more. There was no sign of trickery or maliciousness but there was never that within Kunikida. He looked at him with genuine warmth and minor anxiety. He’d have to have a brain and heart replacement before he stopped trusting that man. He looked down at the piece of paper and read it.
‘How to ask out Dazai Osamu.’
Dazai looked up at Kunikida for a moment before looking down to read it again, sure his eyes were playing tricks on him but, when he read it, the letters did not change. The sentiment was the same and they meant one thing. An unbelievable and grave thing that hit him like eight natural disasters at once. He wasn’t too late. He wasn’t too late.
“H… Huh?” was all Dazai could muster up.
“It wasn’t… It was meant to be more… better. It was meant to be much better than this but I… Well, I couldn’t get it right so… this’ll have to do… I’m sorry…”
“You’re sorry?”
“It’s not a lady, Dazai… There’s no lucky lady… But you are the unfortunate man I’ve… It’s you… You’re my… elegant features… and soft brown eyes beauty… You’ve driven me mad… with… love… or something…”
“Or something?”
“Dazai, I’m sorry.”
“Why? Why are you sorry?”
“This… wasn’t meant to… It was meant to be so much better than this,” Kunikida pressed the heel of his palm into his forehead, an anxious habit he had.
“Kunikida-kun,” Dazai stood and arrived in front of Kunikida, “Do you really mean to say all of this mess was for me?”
“Yes! Who else in the world would cause me so much grief over something that should be exciting and beautiful?!”
Dazai who’d initially had to force his laughs could now not even keep them in. There was little else he could do than laugh genuinely and joyously at this realisation. “Is it still exciting and beautiful anyway?”
“Yes! But so frustrating and maddening too!”
Dazai could practically float with how light he was feeling. He settled for bouncing in place. “Kunikida-kun’s gone crazy for me! For me, for me! He’s gone crazy for me!”
“Sh-Shut up! Just because I love you doesn’t mean I won’t strangle you!”
Dazai laughed again, absolutely overjoyed, “He loves me! He loves me!”
“Shut up! Shut up!”
“Oh, but how can I?!” Dazai looked up at him with sparkling eyes, “Is this really real? It’s not… It’s not some elaborate attempt to get back at me for all I’ve done to you? I wouldn’t blame you but… it’d be uncharacteristically cruel of you…”
“What?! No! I would never do something like this as revenge! What kind of man do you take me for?! I’m not like you!”
“It’s really real… You… You really did all of this for me? You really… Do you love me, Kunikida-kun?”
“It’s…” Kunikida took a breath, “To my dismay, it’s definitely really real… Against every part of myself, I love you… And I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love something… This is not grand or romantic like I intended but… Dazai, would you—”
Before Kunikida could finish the question, Dazai weighed Kunikida down enough to make his lips as easy to access as possible. He felt like a giddy child, practically unable to prevent himself from smiling through the kiss. Luckily, Kunikida catered to him as he always catered to him and did everything he could to accommodate Dazai’s happiness. He was grounded with hands on his hips and the feeling of Kunikida’s heartbeat against his own. Dazai could imagine all the comments he’d make about a lack of professionalism and decency but delighted even more in the fact that he instead just kissed him back instead. He was the girl who’d made him compromise on that which was absolute. It was him.
“You didn’t let me finish…” Kunikida grumbled.
“My apologies,” Dazai grinned.
“Dazai, would you—”
But Dazai kissed him again. And Kunikida let him because god forbid it ever end.
“Dazai!”
“What?”
“Stop that!”
“Stop what?”
“Don’t play stupid!”
“I’m not!”
“Let me speak!”
“Aw…” Dazai pouted.
“You’re such a pain! Let me ask!”
Dazai laughed a little, “Okay, okay.”
“Dazai, would you consider—”
Dazai rose up on his toes again but Kunikida was too quick this time. Placing his hand over his mouth, he blocked him just in time.
“Dazai! Would you—” Kunikida quickly pulled his hand away, face morphing into one of absolute horror, “Did you just lick me?! Disgusting! Are you a child?!”
Dazai, instead of answering, gave him another kiss.
“You’re ruining this!” Kunikida yelled, wiping his licked hand on Dazai’s shoulder.
“It’s just that… if you finish the question, I might not get to kiss you again.”
Kunikida sighed, “Idiot. If I finish the question and you give me a desirable answer, you can kiss me as much as you want…”
“Really?”
“Yes, really!”
“Oh… Go on, then.”
“Dazai…” Kunikida hesitated a little, unconvinced Dazai wouldn’t attack again, “Would you consider um… dating me?”
Dazai rose up again but didn’t kiss him just yet. He pressed his forehead into Kunikida’s and smiled as they bumped noses. “Is it okay if I say ‘yes’?”
“I’d rather you did.”
“Definitely yes, then.”
“Thank goodness…” Kunikida sighed in relief.
This time Kunikida was the one to close the gap. It was unprofessional and it was indecent but Kunikida couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was beyond reason and beyond dignity, he just wanted to hold Dazai close like this. The cause and the cure to his insanity was the exact same thing and it just meant he’d have to hold him close forever.
“I’m not too late,” Dazai rested his head against Kunikida’s chest.
“Hmm?”
“I’m not too late…” Dazai repeated.
Kunikida just kissed the top of Dazai’s head. It was a very unproductive day at the Agency but for once Kunikida didn’t mind. He just held on tight to that which mattered and forgave himself for letting go of the consequences. He’d deal with them should they arise but he was happy right now and he thought he should let himself be. Dazai had no choice but to let himself be happy. Kunikida was sunshine and fire and everything good and right in the world and Dazai was not competing with anyone for him. There was no lucky lady, he was just the fortunate man who had been nuts enough to drive Kunikida nuts enough to love him. And he was more than proud of that.
It wasn’t neat and romantic like Kunikida had intended but Dazai knew that, no matter the preceding circumstances, he was just lucky to be loved like this. He did nothing to deserve it and he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“Did I tell you I love you too?” Dazai asked.
“No.”
“Well, I do…”
“Mm… That’s nice.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Dazai smiled, “Tell me again, please?”
“I love you…”
With the biggest smile he had ever let grace his face, Dazai said, “I love you too.”