Work Text:
Karou doesn't know what he’s doing here. It's late. He should be at his apartment right now. But instead he stands at the railing, looking over onto the city, just as he did when they were younger. Overhead a spare car or two drive on the ramp that covers the secluded spot. On the wall behind him to his left, three names are scratched into the concrete. They stare at his back, daring him to take a glance back, knowing exactly how many painful-turned memories it will bring up. Beyond the city, the sun has already set and the sky only gets darker as the night creps on. Why is he here? He knows it hurts to be here. It brings back all of the memories he works so hard to push down. Most of the time it's too much and he consciously avoids the place, occasionally taking the long way around just so he doesnt catch even a glimpse of it. Yet tonight, something drove him here. Some cruel twisted thing within him made him want to be back here.
When he looks up, Karou feels the wind brush across his face. It's the only thing he feels. Standing here, he can't help the ever-growing numbness that expands within him. Wind blows through his hair, pushing it to the side and exposing a bit of his neck to the cold.
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Ainosuke’s fingers thread through Karou’s long, pink hair, brushing his bare neck. He shivers.
“Your hair is really soft”
Karou turns around, the ends of his hair slipping through Ainosuke’s fingers with the motion. “I use a conditioner. That’s all.”
“I like it.” He responds plainly.
Karou blushes slightly, speechless. He never knows how to respond when Ainosuke says things so startling like that. Thankfully he doesn’t have to because Kojiro comes up to them, skidding his board to a halt.
“Hey dudes. What’s up?”
Ainosuke smiles at him like he wasn’t just - doing whatever that was to Karou. The two share a high five and fistbump before Kojiro’s gaze turns to Karou. He shakes himself out of the daze he’s in enough to also give the green-haired boy a high five and fistbump. The trio walks over to the railing, looking out over the city.
If only for a moment, their lives are peaceful. Expectations, drama, school, everything is taken away with the wind.
“It's nice up here” Kojiro comments first. Karou agrees with a small hum.
“I wish we could just stay up here forever. Leave the whole world behind.” Ainosuke leans over the railing further, letting the wind whip around him more violently. Everything is silent. No one talks, simply seeping in the small freedom granted by skating and each other.
Ainosuke looks over at Karou and Kojiro. “Wouldn’t it be so nice? To simply let everything fall away?” and though he says it with a smile on his face, it gives Karou the shivers.
Nonetheless he looks out into the expanse of the city, “It would be nice”
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Turning around, Karou’s gaze catches on the messily carved names. Three names. Three friends who used to be inseparable. He walks away, leaving behind the scenery, and the visible reminders. But he takes with him the numbing emptiness. Unfortunately the memories can never truly leave him.
Along with the names scrawled into the concrete are slashes. Obviously newer, and more reckless, with less care to make sure they were etched deep enough. Each one marks angrily through the concrete, crossing out all the names, yet unable to fully obscure them.
Ainosuke, Karou, Kojiro.
With a mug of warm tea, Karou sits in the living room of his apartment, and attempts to focus on the book in his hand. He cannot sleep right now. Or more correctly, he doesn't feel well enough mentally to try sleeping. Looking at the words on the page, he can tell he’s already tried to read this paragraph three times. In annoyance, he roughly drops the book onto the coffee table. Picking up the mug of tea, Karou takes a sip. It's not too hot anymore. Apparently he was zoning out for too long in between rereading the words in the book. Without his permission his thoughts wander back to those times.
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“Ainosuke?”
The bluenette is sitting, back against the concrete side of the tunnel, skateboard discarded a few feet away.
“Oh! Karou.” A pleasant smile appears on his face at Karou’s entrance. “Join me?”
“Sure.” He walks over slowly, taking a seat next to Ainosuke. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing. Just thinking.” For a while the two sit in silence. With how late it is, even the sounds of oncoming cars on the bridge above them are few and far between.
For a while they sit in a relaxing quiet. Ainosuke’s hand reaches over, across the ground, to take a hold of Karou’s. That was a thing he did sometimes. After he had asked Karou about why he occasionally let other people touch him. Eventually Ainosuke just started giving him more high fives, shoulder bumps, and occasionally holding his hand like he was now. It took a little bit for Karou, who usually did not have someone initiate this much touch with him, to get used to it. Now though, he thought it felt nice. In a way it meant Ainosuke was there for him. And Karou was there for him as well.
“Karou.”
The seriousness of Ainosuke’s tone startles him. “Yes?” Red eyes meet his gold ones. Those ruby red eyes, looking into his very being, almost as if they are seeking something. What? He could only guess.
“You know … I like you.” The world stops. For Karou everything freezes as his brain attempts to comprehend what he has just heard. A broad smile appears on Ainosuke’s face. “Would you date me?”
Karou stares at the anomaly of a boy in front of him. Everything that AInosuke is - amazing, vibrant, secretive, confusing, bold, adventurous, exciting - flashes through his eyes, everything tinged the same red as the eyes that still search into his being. And he finds himself saying; “yes”.
He hopes that those eyes will never look at him without their glow. He hopes they find what they're searching for.
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Karou shakes his head, abruptly trying to avert his mind from the strong memories flashing through it. Leaving his tea and book abandoned in the living room, he heads to his bedroom to wash his face. He hopes the nightly routine will get his brain back in gear. Perhaps then the thoughts will go back to where they belong. Either way, deep down, he knows they will come back eventually. They always do. No matter how much he pushes them away, he changes his life, he moves on - they will always be there.
Using a headband, the pink hair that normally drapes in front of his face is held back. Before he can think, Karou splashes the cold water on his face, rubbing in the soap afterwards. He splashes water on his face a few more times before he grabs a towel from the rack. Drying his face, Karou looks at himself in the mirror. On his lip, he can still see the little scar from where his piercing used to be. Sometimes he misses it. He really did like the way it looked on him. However, it is just a small sacrifice to give up for his job. Most of his clients probably would not take kindly to that feature. Karou’s hands shake as he reaches up to touch it.
“Stop it!” He grabs his hand, forcing it to be still. Taking a deep breath, Karou walks to his bedroom, sitting down on the side of the bed. Only, in the short amount of time it took to get from his bathroom to the bedroom his mind betrayed him once again.
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“We need to spend more time like this. Just the two of us.” Ainosuke and Karou are sitting together, backs against the railing, facing away from the sprawl of the city. It is almost always here that they meet up.
Karou turns his head at Ainosuke’s statement. “What do you mean? Don’t we already?”
Ainosuke turns away from him with a tsk. “Without Kojiro I mean. We're dating after all. Aren’t we?” At the end his tone turns accusing. Karou opens his mouth, then closes it. He never thought about it. Do they really spend that much time all three of them? Karou finds he doesn't mind it. He enjoys when it can be all of them together. Seeing Ainosuke’s expression, however, Karou freezes. It's a mix of sadness, annoyance, and … jealousy? Karou looks down at his lap.
“Yes. We are.” He tries to make his tone comforting but he’s unsure if Ainosuke heard it that way. The two sit in silence for a while. A silence that stretches on unbearably for much more than Karou is comfortable with. He breathes in the windy air, trying to not feel the tension in the air.
Minutes later Karou feels something on his hand. Ainosuke is looking at him now. The two meet eyes. The hand, which Ainosuke had slid across the pavement to hold Karou’s interlaces with his. Karou lets him.
“I love you, Karou”
“Me too.”
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Did he ever actually say those three words back? Did he? Karou can’t remember. Ainosuke said it enough to him. But he always responded in an embarrassed manner. He can’t remember ever being able to get the words out.
He stares at the carpeting. His hands grip the blankets in fists. On his nightstand, the clock changes with each passing minute. Karou’s head spins. Everything Ainosuke ever said to him, everything Karou felt being near him or thinking about him fills his thoughts. He can’t push them down. He can’t escape.
All of a sudden the world closes in on him
Karou screams. Or at least he would. If any sound came out. Instead his mouth stays open in a silent scream. His hands fly to the sides of his head, gripping as the memories come flooding in. His ears thrum with sound. In his head he hears himself, Kojiro, and … and Ainosuke. … Ainosuke. AINOSUKE.
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“Ainosuke!” He doesn’t turn at the sound of Karou’s call. He just keeps standing there, facing the city, hood blown back from the wind.
Kojiro and Karou stand on the other side of the bridge. The faint light from the moon shines between the shadows that separate them. It seems miles across, when in reality it is a space they crossed in mere seconds on their skateboards.
“What are you doing?!” Karou struggles to keep his voice from breaking.
Ainosuke still stands with his back to them. “I need to move on. It’s not enough.” Karou doesn’t understand. They were happy. They were all best friends.
Kojiro speaks up next to him. “So that’s it then. The three of us … “
Ainosuke turns around, finally facing them. His eyes are dull, almost violent. His voice is dull when he says the words “We’re done.” There is no emotion in him. The two under the bridge can barely recognize the former-friend standing before them. Now it is as if he is a different person. He stares at them a moment longer. Karou searches his eyes for something, anything! Any part of the person he once knew. Dull red irises stare back at him. He can only avert his gaze and suppress a shiver.
“I’m leaving.” Ainosuke turns back around, walking off in an uncannily calm manner. Something screams within Karou. He steps forward on instinct. If he could just get Ainosuke to listen to him. A strong hand grabs his arm, holding him back. He knows it's Kojiro. The fact that his hand is shaking tells Karou he’s crying. Or at least trying not to.
“Why?! I don’t understand.” Karou’s voice breaks. The tears threatening to fall have long trailed down his cheeks. He needs to go after him. He could take another step towards him. He would force him to listen. He would. But Kojiro’s grasp keeps him away. Deep down he knows he shouldn’t follow Ainosuke.
“Then you never will,” his retreating form responds. Karou freezes. He stares as Ainosuke pulls up his hood and walks away. It is all he can do as his best friend abandons him.
By the time Karou can even form a coherent thought other than panic and betrayal, Ainosuke is long gone. He rips his arm from Kojiro’s grasp.
“Karou -”
“Just leave me alone!” He storms off before jumping on his board, headed towards his house. He can’t tell why he’s upset. It’s strangely not because he was just broken up with for the first time. Somehow it barely felt like they were dating. Yet at times it felt like they were too much.
Riding home, Karou violently wipes the tears from his eyes. In his mind he can see Ainosuke walking away from them on repeat. Then the ground rushes up to meet him. His skateboard flips, landing a couple feet away. Everything hurts. His hands are scuffed, his knee open and bleeding. Getting up, Karou angrily wipes the tears and grabs his board. Looking back he sees a rock he assumes he rolled right into.
Karou walks the rest of the way home, still replaying the events of the past thirty minutes in his head.
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Sitting in his bed, the same scene replays. Everything Ainosuke said is echoed loud and clear in the quiet space of his empty apartment. His lifeless voice repeating “Then you never will.” Because, why was he right? Karou still doesn’t exactly understand. Why did he have to be right? All the feelings of betrayal rise up within Karou again. It's like it’s happening now. He hunches over, cutting the sides of his head. Nothing closes out the voices. Nothing can stop those repressed memories from coming to the surface once more.
“I’m sorry Karou. You’ll never understand.”
Karou screams at Ainosuke. A silent scream that shakes his entire body. He wants to run. Run far away from whatever is haunting him. He can’t. His legs won’t move. It’s inside him. No matter where he runs. He can’t escape. On autopilot his hand reaches for the phone on his nightstand. The phone shakes as he opens it. Wait. It’s him who is the one shaking. Karou doesn’t think about anything he does before he does it. If he thinks he’ll convince himself not to. His fingers open into his contacts, immediately finding and dialing the one person he could. The phone rings exactly three times before a sleepy voice comes out on the other end:
“Karou?”
He can’t speak. It takes more than enough energy to keep breathing right now. Any words he might say are choked back before they can escape.
“Karou!? Hey? Are you okay?”
Pushing through the pain throughout his head, throat, and chest, Karou is able to force out; “Kojiro-”
And then his throat opens up to allow one single sentence. He lets his heart speak before his brain can chide him for being soft. His brain is too scrambled, too lost in memories to be clear.
“I can’t be alone right now”
His voice doesn’t sound like his own as he says it. It sounds far away. Like it was said in the past. More memories flicker up. All the memories of him and Ainosuke together.
“Don’t do anything! Give me ten minutes! I’ll be right there!” The urgency in Kojiro’s tone is clear. He can already hear the oaf moving around his apartment. Karou nods, quick and feverish. Then the line is cut. His shaky hand brings the phone down to his lap. He stares at it.
“I love you” The Ainosuke in his head whispers.
Karou drops the phone to the floor, backing further onto his bed. All the things Ainosuke said to him swirl in his mind. They won’t go away! One thing after another, ranging from all the apparently manipulative charming things he would say to him, to the treacherous words he spat out as he became someone Karou could not recognize.
“So pretty” as hands run through his hair.
“I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone” with dead eyes staring at him.
“Skating with you is perhaps the greatest I’ve ever felt”
“You’ll never understand.”
“You can’t understand.”
Karou curls himself into a ball, barely crying anymore. All his tears have already dried up. He can’t stop the incessant shaking or the words running through his mind. His body won’t move. All he can do is relive the past.
Kojiro enters Karou’s apartment using the key hidden under a potted plant. Rushing in he barely takes the time to remove his shoes and coat.
“Karou?!”
No response. Walking into the apartment he notices the abandoned tea and book sitting in the living room. He heads toward the one place he is almost positive Karou will be; the bedroom. One of the many things Kojiro knows about Karou is his nightly schedule, which includes reading, washing his face, and brushing his long pink hair.
Karou hears the noise from the front of the apartment when Kojiro lets himself in. Only it doesn’t sound real. It sounds far away. Almost like he is just imagining it. Still with his head in his hands, curled up into a ball, shaking, Karou is helpless against the onslaught of emotions his mind brings forth. He doesn’t notice when said green-haired man walks into the bedroom. Kojiro sighs with relief at finding Karou.
“Karou”
He looks up, still shaking.
“Kojiro” The voice breaks on the third syllable. It doesn’t sound like Karou. In an instant Kojiro is on the bed with him, wrapping him in his arms. The shock of the hug makes Karou freeze for a second. Everything real is suddenly very much there. The memories jump back for a bit. Then all the emotions come running forward again and with them a new batch of tears. As if Kojiro is his life force Karou grips on to him. He knows his tears are leaving a wet spot on Kojiro’s shoulder. Nonetheless he can’t stop the tears that fall. Kojiro doesn’t seem to care either.
For a long time the two stay like that, wrapped in each other's arms. Karou’s shaking resumes a little bit, only now he feels less lost, like he has something tethering him to this world. Like he is kept back from being swept away by the memories that still swirl faintly in his head. In fact, it feels nice. Really nice to be able to hold onto Kojiro like this. Through everything Kojiro has always been there for him. Truly he is the one constant in Karou’s life. Without breaking contact Karou loosens his hold on him. Kojiro leans back, putting a bit of space between them. Brown eyes search him, checking to make sure he is at least somewhat okay now. Karou sniffles. The arms that encircled him before remain, one wrapped around his shoulder and the other rubbing up and down his opposite arm comfortingly.
“Do you want to talk?” Is the kind offer from Kojiro.
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“Do you wanna talk about him?”
“I never want to hear his name again.” Karou speaks with so little feeling it could almost fool the other into thinking he didn’t care. “I never want to see his face ever again.”
Kojiro takes that as Karou doesn’t want to talk. Be that as it may, he still feels as if he should say something.
“You know you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Don’t you think I know that! But that doesn’t change the fact that it happened does it? That he left us!”
Kojiro takes a half step back, but stops when he sees the tears in Karou’s eyes. There have only been two times when he has seen his best friend be brought to tears. The first was when he bailed super hard learning a new trick on his skateboard and not even his high pain tolerance could muster the strength to power through. The second was when Ainosuke left. Karou, upon realizing he’s crying, hides his face behind his arm. Kojiro takes a couple steps towards him.
“Karou …”
“Shut up!” Is the slightly garbled, muffled reply.
Kojiro steps closer, wrapping his arms around Karou. It is rare for Karou to let him close enough for a hug. In this instance though he doesn’t fight. For a while it is just Kojiro holding Karou. Then two arms slowly come to hug him back.
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“No. Can … can we just sit here?” Karou looks up into Kojiro’s caring eyes. The eyes that stare back are open, kind, and patient. They do not pity him. They understand.
“Of course”
The silence following is comfortable. Thoughts run through Karou’s mind. Memories threaten to come back once more. Emotions swirl within him, though calmer than the tornado earlier. All of it is duller with Kojiro’s touch on him, grounding him to the present. Then Karou lays back onto the bed. He is tired. His body doesn't want to be sitting anymore. Just the past hour has entirely worn him out. Kojiro lays back with him, taking Karou back into his arms. In way of comfort Kojiro lightly assures Karou. He knows Karou can sometimes overthink the feelings he has. Especially strong ones that affect him like this.
“He can’t hurt you anymore. You’re so strong. And everything you feel is okay and valid.”
Karou yawns against him. Already he seems much calmer than before, the flashbacks having subsided and the emotional turmoil settled. It may be a full day until Karou feels entirely fine, but Kojiro doesn’t plan on leaving him for a second of it. Karou looks up at him.
“Thank you.”
Such simple words, yet Kojiro smiles. He lays back against the pillows.
“Anytime.” A pause. “Literally I mean anytime. I want to be here for you.” While normally he would get a bite back, now all he gets is a small smile from the pink-haired man. Karou closes his eyes, breathing slowly starting to even out. Kojiro watches him, his own memories, which have been poking at him since even before Karou called, quell within his mind. He instead lets his mind focus solely on Karou.
After a while Kojiro thinks Karou has fallen asleep.
“I love you.” He whispers softly, closing his own eyes.
“I love you too.”