Chapter Text
“You don't look well at all.” Rachel Bailey stated flatly, looking at Amy Silva, her friend of over 20 years, over Zoom.
“It’s still better than how I actually feel.” Amy replied with a telling expression.
Amy and Rachel had been lifelong friends and for each of them the other was one of only a handful of people they felt comfortable enough to lower their walls around. Moreover, Rachel was the one true friend that Amy had.
“What happened?” Rachel asked, though she suspected she already knew the answer.
“We’re not together anymore.” Amy said and Rachel could see her friend’s jaw clench. “We had a row over my not wanting to move in yet, and Kirsten took her things and left.” She sighed. “I can’t really blame her, though. She has every right to be cross and frustrated with me.” she admitted guiltily. “I’ve been avoiding every major decision regarding our relationship.”
“Well, she needs to understand that you are in a very complicated situation.” Rachel noted meaningfully.
“She understands that well.” Amy returned. “But everything has its limits, Rach. And I believe that my wanting to ‘keep things as they are’ was hers. I mean, not only have I been putting off moving in together and introducing her to Poppy officially – and you for that matter – I’ve never even said ‘I love you’ to her.” Amy admitted; guilt now clear in her voice and on her face.
“And do you?” Rachel asked, slightly hesitant, wary of her friend’s reaction to such a question.
However, contrary to what she was expecting, Amy took a deep breath and paused for a few beats. Then she nodded with a faint smile. “I do.”
Instinctively, Rachel reciprocated the smile. “Well, then, you should tell her as much the first chance you get.”
However, in an instant, Amy’s face turned serious again. “That’s just it, Rach. I can’t!” she returned, desperation now mixed with guilt.
“Why not?” Rachel asked, though once again, she suspected she knew the answer.
“You know why.” Amy returned, her jaw clenching again.
Rachel took a deep breath. “Ames, I know that what happened to you was devastating, but…”
“It fucking broke me, Rachel!” Amy interjected emotionally. “I barely survived. And I know I couldn’t do it for the second time.”
“But it doesn’t mean there’s going to be a second time. Don’t think like that!” Rachel insisted.
“But what if there is? What then?!” Amy returned vehemently. Then, she took a few breaths to calm herself. “After what had happened, except for when I was with Poppy, I was just going through the motions outside of work. You know that. And then, Kirsten came along and did the impossible. She brought me back hope. She made me feel alive again. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I could never feel like that again with anyone and certainly not with someone like her.” she smiled fleetingly at the end. She had never been attracted to women. And as far as she was concerned, she still wasn’t. Kirsten was the exception - just like in many other things - as far as Amy was concerned. “But it happened. She’s done it.” she remarked, her eyes smiling, despite the way she was feeling.
Rachel couldn’t help but notice Amy’s use of the present tense at the end.
Amy continued: “And when it was just the two of us… It was….” she shook her head. “I was really happy. But, with others around… I’d close up. I just couldn’t. I was so confused. Scared. Of what people would say, of what they would think. Of losing Poppy over it. Of it all being over and of losing it all for the second time…” By now, she was crying. “And finally, she got tired of it.” She laughed sardonically. “And I ended up losing her, anyway. My cowardice and fears have ended up breaking us apart.”
“I’m so sorry, Ames.” Rachel offered sincerely, sympathising with her friend. Moreover, she was truly worried about her. In all the years she had known her, she had only seen her cry a handful of times, and she had seen her this distraught only once before - a little over a year earlier. However, she decided not to bring the matter up at the moment.
Amy shook her head in response to Rachel’s comment, wiping off her tears angrily. “Don’t be. It’s all my bloody fault! I deserve it. All of it!” she all but hissed, her voice hoarse. “Kirsten is better off without me, anyway. She is too special to be with a bloody coward like me. The only thing I truly regret is hurting her. She didn’t deserve that.”
“From what you’ve told me about the two of you and about her, I’d say she knew very well what she was getting herself into, and was willing to take the risk. And anyway, she’s not the only one hurting, Ames.” Rachel pointed out softly.
“It’s not the same, Rach. She’s hurting because of me. Not the other way round.”
“You really do love her, don’t you?” Rachel remarked meaningfully. She had suspected as much from the manner Amy talked about her DS. But this conversation had served Rachel as the irrefutable proof.
Amy nodded again. “Yeah. I honestly didn’t believe I could feel this kind of love ever again. But I do.” she smiled sadly. “She’s bloody brilliant at her job and absolutely amazing as a person.” However, too soon, her smile disappeared, yet again. “And now I’ve lost her.”
“You could still talk to her.” Rachel pointed out.
Amy sighed heavily. “I wish I could, but I’m scared, Rachel.” she uttered, her tone a mixture of guilt and contempt. “Despite all of it, I am still scared! And I honestly don’t know how I would explain it all to Poppy. I mean, she would probably think that I didn’t love her Dad anymore. And I’m certain Morag and Gordon wouldn’t help. Especially Morag.” she noted meaningfully.
“Who cares about what she thinks?!” Rachel suddenly returned with vehemence “It’s your life not hers!”
“Yes, but Poppy is her granddaughter and...”
“And she is a brilliant and very clever young lady and I am sure that if you explain things to her, she will understand.” Rachel interjected. “You have said she's seen photos of Kirsten and of the two of you and said you look happy, right?”
Amy nodded. “Yeah, but…”
“Ames, kids are much brighter and much more resilient than what we believe. And especially Poppy.” Rachel pointed out.
Amy smiled softly. “I know. But, it’s also because she’s already been through so much that I don’t want to burden her and confuse her even more.”
“Ames…”
However, the rest of Rachel’s utterance was interrupted by the sound of her mobile phone. “Sorry… It’s work.” she offered.
Amy shook her head with a smile. “No worries. I’ve already taken up too much of your time as it is.”
“You never take up my time, Ames.” Rachel said, returning her smile. “And you know I’m here for you as much as I can be. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this.”
Amy nodded. “I know, Rach. Thanks. And thank you for listening to me. Now, I’ll go for a run and try to clear my head.”
“Anytime. Keep me posted.”
“Of course. Bye.”
“Bye.”
About half an hour later, Amy’s run was interrupted by a call from her boss.
**************
Despite her best efforts, Kirsten Longacre had found it impossible to concentrate this particular morning. So, instead, she had decided to update her paperwork. It was something that required almost no mental exertion on her part but still offered her a resemblance of work. Mercifully, her colleagues had steered clear of her as well. She knew that Amy was being released from hospital this morning, and knowing the woman she loved, Kirsten had no doubt that Amy would be coming to the Station straight from there. As she took another deep breath in a futile attempt to calm her racing heart, suddenly the moments of her story with Amy filled her mind – not that they had ever been far from her mind, anyway.
Kirsten hated clichés. However, she knew that from the moment she first saw Amy, her life would never be the same again. She fall for her fast and hard. But, then again, how could she not? Detective Chief Inspector Amy Silva was one of the best detectives in the country. Moreover, she was an amazing woman that turned heads wherever she appeared. Kirsten stood no chance. From her initial refusal to accept Amy’s rejection of assistance to prepare her for her exam (and the hot chocolate!), to their numerous talks after and that fateful first kiss, followed by the crushing guilt from Kirsten that had not subsided until Amy’s invitation to do something together. Which, of course, led to Amy kissing her and confusing the hell out of her, while Kirsten tried her best to control her emotions. That had been the beginning of one of the most amazing nights in Kirsten’s life.
Of course, almost every moment she and Amy had shared together - on their own - had been amazing. It was other people that were a problem for Amy. Kirsten understood that. She disliked it but she understood and respected it. First of all, because Amy was not the first straight woman that had crossed her path; and secondly, and more importantly, because she knew how difficult and complicated Amy’s situation was. And she had been patient and supportive. She really had been. But after five months of - for all intents and purposes - clandestine relationship, Kirsten had started to wonder if Amy was ever going to present her to the people in her life – most importantly Poppy. However, what hurt her the most was that after five months, Amy still had not been able to tell her ‘I love you’ even after prompts. In all honesty, Amy had been showing it to her with her actions: a chocolate bar in her coat in the morning; watching Kirsten’s favourite TV show, even though Amy absolutely hated the genre; giving Kirsten her own coat to warm her up when they walked in the evenings… The little things like that had meant the world to Kirsten because she knew that that was the REAL Amy – the unguarded, unburdened, relaxed and loving. And it was these little things that had kept her hope alive.
The hope regarding their future, which had even gotten stronger when Amy had stated that she was ready for them to move in together. Unfortunately, though, that hope then came crushing down, a little less than two months earlier, when Amy had made it clear that she did not want to be asked again to move in with Kirsten. That moment had also been the final straw for Kirsten and she decided that she had had enough. For a few seconds, though, she thought that Amy may finally give in as she uttered her name just as Kirsten opened the door to leave. But her heart broke completely when it was followed by nothing but silence. And what had really crushed her was the realisation that, despite the pain she could see in Amy’s eyes and hear in her voice, Amy still lacked the courage to admit how she really felt about her. Kirsten had experienced heartbreak before, but it had never hurt nearly as much as this one. After the breakup, they had continued to work together, but as little as possible, limiting their time together as much as possible. And then, a little over two weeks ago, Amy called her and asked her to be her contact while she was on Vigil. Despite everything, Kirsten had not hesitated for a second in accepting. No matter what, she could never deny Amy anything - she loved her too much for that. And the way Kirsten felt for those few hours when there was no reply from Vigil had told her that, even if they were not meant to be together, she always would.
Suddenly, breaking away from her thoughts, Kirsten stiffened and her heart started beating even faster. The sound of familiar footsteps had reached her ears and brain. She spun around and her breath caught. Looking back at her, appearing more exhausted and drained that Kirsten had ever seen her before, was Amy. Kirsten’s heart both fluttered and clenched at the sight, and had to use all the self-control she had not to run to Amy and wrap her into a hug, just to make sure she was really there, alive and safe.
“Welcome home.” she finally managed to whisper, her voice hoarse with emotion.
“Thanks.” Amy rasped back, unable to stop the smile that appeared on her lips at sight of the woman she thought she would never see again. The woman that saved her and that she loved with all of her heart. The woman, who alongside Poppy, was the only thing on her mind when she thought she was about to die. Amy’s heart fluttered at the emotion she heard in Kirsten’s voice and noticed on her face as their eyes locked and she uttered the words – ‘Welcome home’.
Unfortunately, the moment ended all too soon. “Welcome back!” she heard their boss say.
“That’s all that I need to see.” Amy sighed between frustration and anger, some half an hour later as she stood up and turned away from the monitors that were transmitting Doward’s interrogation. She reached for her rucksack.
Kirsten followed her lead, practically on instinct. “Do you want me to drive you home? I can take you.”
“No, I wanna to see Poppy.” Amy returned, fumbling with her coat.
“She’s missed you.” Kirsten offered in response.
Instantly, Amy’s breath caught. “What?!” she breathed out, eyes locking with Kirsten’s again, confusion and a million questions suddenly invading her brain.
“I dropped her off a present. It was on your calendar.” Kirsten replied with a shrug. She tried to appear nonchalant about it but she felt as if she were walking on the edge of an abyss, hoping her action would not cause Amy to drift even further away from her, effectively pushing her over.
Amy was stunned. But at that moment, she also fell in love with Kirsten even more. She stared at her, trying to control the bubbling well of emotions underneath and appear calm and collected, when in fact she felt anything but. Down there, when she thought she was all but gone, she had asked Kirsten not to leave. Now, she made another decision. “Come with me.” she uttered.
Kirsten’s breath caught. Had she heard Amy correctly?! “To see Poppy?!” she returned, incredulously, her voice breaking.
Without breaking their gaze, Amy nodded mutely, still in awe of the woman that now owned her heart.
“OK.” Kirsten nodded, her voice quivering slightly as she let out the breath she had been holding.