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Is it worth the pain?
The question Dazai asked himself every time he closed his eyes. Is it a choice to live or die for someone else in the blink of an eye? He couldn't remember ever being able to make an informed decision about anything. It was all just something that came with him. Like breathing, like living. It had been that way from his very earliest days as a child. Life felt like an empty promise, woven and stitched with endless lies in the seams.
A hand firmly grasped his shoulder in the midnight air of the cold December, bringing him back into focus. He opened his tired eyes and watched the little redhead’s face before him. His expression was hard to read in the dim lighting of the bridge. A soft light spilled out from behind his closed lids, as he was dead silent, staring down at the cityscape beneath him without even looking at one another. For a moment, everything fell away. The snow pelted down persistently, giving Chuuyas cheeks a soft blushed flush.
“If you were given one wish, what would you wish for?” The words echoed through the night.
Chuuya sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, “What would you wish for?” He shot Dazai an annoyed look.
Dazai gave a flushed—yet somewhat empty smile as a beat passed between them, “If only we could be like everyone else, so I could be able to stay near you and never have to leave. But I can't, so all I can do is wish for it.” he whispered.
The silence hung heavy and frozen. He looked back out into the void of the empty city again. Chuuya didn’t move nor did he answer. He knew what Dazai had said – if only I could give you more time. If only I could tell you that you meant something to me. If only I could stay with you.
“Feeling sentimental tonight?” Chuuya asked absentmindedly before he could think to stop. Dazai just shrugged.
The city was bright. The lights shone across the entire horizon like tiny little stars, twinkling their own lives away. Dazai felt his chest constrict. How he wished He lived closer to Chuuya’s heart instead of apart. Maybe then he wouldn’t have to feel so alone. He wanted so many things. Too many things; he wanted them all. The streets sparkled underneath the artificial lights and the warm glow of street lamps. But they weren't lit up like a star. Instead, they were covered in dark light. It clung to the edges of each pane of glass and the tops of buildings. It clung to the bottom of the windows and settled in Dazai’s eyes and his heart.
He hated the night. All of its loneliness, and emptiness. Even the cold never bothered him. His body never shivered, but his mind always did. He didn’t understand it, why no matter how long he lived, this feeling never left his bones. There was something wrong with him. He should be feeling joy or sadness – something – but there wasn't anything. Nothing mattered, except that he had lost something he'd never had. He could feel the blood running cold down his veins. Everything was frozen in time and nothing could break this ice. This was how it always ended for him. It was so cold.
Before he could think of stopping, He lifted himself onto the top of the bridge. He felt himself stop speaking, probably muttering some sort of insult to Chuuya. He barely even registered that he was having a conversation. That's when he realized – this wasn’t a conversation at all. The wind was pushing him forward, away from his partner who stood watching the city below him. His hands fumbled against his skin as his body continued to lean over the icy pavemented bridge.
He heard Chuuya's shoes squeak on the wooden platform below him. The man was trying to hide the concern in his voice as he spoke.
“Dazai, what are you doing?” he muttered, exasperated.
Without sparing another thought to where he was going, Dazai jumped. He felt the wind below himself as he—
Chuuya’s breath caught in his throat. He held onto the brick edge of the bridge for support. He tried to pull himself upright, but a wave of dizziness overcame him. Chuuya grabbed Dazai’s hand roughly.
“Bastard! Bastard!! Why did you jump?! Are you mad?!” he exclaimed, trying to pull the boy back over the railing.
“Let go, let go!” He cried, exclaiming loudly. He fought against Chuuya’s touch.
“You can’t just fall over the edge of the bridge like that! Come here!” Chuuya used his strength to pull him up.
Chuuya tried to advert his gaze the best he could, but it was a difficult task. The lights of the cars below on the freeway are shown brightly below Dazai. The air was cold, the frigid ice now hailing, making Chuuya’s muscles difficult to move. What haunted him the most, other than the fact that his partner just tried to kill himself after he was having a somewhat normal conversation with him, was Dazai’s somewhat manic eyes. His eyes were like hollow black pits, devoid of any emotion or spark. They had been completely drained away, replaced with a deep and heartbreaking sadness. Emptiness had consumed them like a hollow black hole. He had felt that they would be burned into his memory.
His legs felt weak under him. When he finally managed to stand, he nearly collapsed from how exhausted he was. As he steadied himself, a sudden breeze blew past. Chuuya turned around and watched his friend, his partner start to cough, exhausted probably from fighting so hard to try and pry himself out of Chuuya’s grasp. It didn’t work. Chuuya had to calm down, he knew he had to. His heartbeat was racing at a thousand miles a minute, his breath hitched with each icicle falling onto himself. The cold began to burn the inside of his lungs, causing him to panic even more.
“I… I’m sorry.” He finally managed, still struggling to catch his breath from holding it so long, “I’m sorry. That was stupid. You must have been scared.” Dazai was forced out.
It took Dazai a few minutes to find his words after taking several deep breaths. Chuuya kept hold of his jacket sleeve, keeping him anchored to reality.
“Don’t— Don’t ever do that to me,” Chuuya took deep breaths in the frigid cold, “Again. Promise—promise me please.” He added on. His eyes widened a little in panic as he realized what had just happened. He pulled Dazai towards him into an embrace.
“I won’t… I won’t ever do anything like that again.” Dazai’s teeth chattered violently. He leaned into the touch subconsciously.
Chuuya held onto him tightly in the cold, trying to slow his breaths to a somewhat acceptable rate. He felt Dazai’s breath hitch, as he wrapped his arms around Chuuya. He let out gasps of sharp pain and held onto Chuuya tighter.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t go,” Dazai pleaded with the wind and the cold, “Please don’t leave me, I’ll be good,” his lips moved silently for a second, as though he couldn’t believe he said those words out loud.
He buried his face further into Chuuya’s coat, clutching onto it desperately.
Chuuya’s grip tightened around him. He pressed his cheek against Dazai’s shoulder, “I won’t leave you.” He promised.
They stayed like that for a while, until the cold became too much for Dazai. When it was clear that Dazai didn't intend on talking anymore, Chuuya started walking towards his apartment.
"Wait, I-" Dazai stumbled forwards and leaned heavily onto his partner's shoulder. Chuuya grabbed Dazai’s hand firmly and pulled him closer. “I wasn’t trying to leave you, it’s okay,” he assured his partner gently.
“No, it isn't,” Dazai murmured.
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Chuuya shuffled through his keys until he finally got to his apartment key. He opened up the door quickly, and shuffled Dazai in, away from the cold. Once they both were inside, Chuuya closed the door, locking it.
He sighed and pushed Dazai gently onto his couch. Then, he walked towards the kitchen, opening a cupboard in front of him that seemed to only contain two cans of tomato soup. After putting both cans on the table in front of both of them, he got two bowls and two spoons. He heated them in the microwave before handing one to Dazai and keeping one to himself as he sat on the couch.
“Dazai, your freezing. Grab the blanket over there.” He ordered.
He saw Dazai’s fingers trembling as they reached for the blanket. Dazai looked pale and sickly. Even with the warmth of the blanket around him, his whole body was still trembling. Chuuya was sure he probably didn’t look any better.
“Do you want to… Talk about it?” he offered carefully. The question slipped from his tongue before he could stop it. He felt stupid for offering that, but Chuuya couldn’t bear the silence anymore. Not after what he’d seen earlier tonight.
As soon as the question was uttered, he wished he hadn’t. Chuuya could see the moment something snapped within him because his breathing started becoming erratic. For a couple of minutes, there was silence between them. Dazai refused to meet Chuuya’s gaze. Finally, Chuuya decided to take the initiative again.
“Are you okay?” He asked, softly.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think I want to talk about it.” His words weren’t exactly coherent, although he didn’t seem to care. He just wanted the silence to pass, that was all.
The microwave pinged as it finished heating the soup. Chuuya brought both of their bowls out onto the coffee table. Once he placed both bowls in front of them, Dazai seemed to relax a bit. Chuuya took a sip of his soup, suddenly being filled with energy as heat flowed into him.
“…Why?” He asked him, with a hint of desperation laced with grief. Chuuya turned to face him with a sorrowful expression.
“It’s like before. It’s all the same, it’s all not worth living. Everything I love will be taken away instantly.” Dazai replied, sipping his soup. He looked so tired, despite having regained consciousness some time ago.
“But I was right there. I was breathing, staring at you. Why end that moment?” Chuuya asked, trying to hide the slight quiver in his voice.
Dazai gave him a sorrowful smile.
“If it’ll be taken away, at least it’ll be by my own hands.” He admitted, as if ashamed at his actions.
He looked back down at his bowl. He took a sip of the warm broth to warm himself up. Chuuya waited patiently for him to finish before continuing.
“I don’t know why you did it.” Chuuya said quietly, “I just can’t get myself to blame you. I should have protected you better.”
Dazai sipped his soup brazenly, nodding slowly. Chuuya sighed, slightly exasperated.
“Well, can you sleep at my apartment tonight? I would be worried sick if I let you out of my sight,” Chuuya spoke, smiling a little as he looked at Dazai, “Besides, it’s getting colder. We need all the blankets we can get. And anyway, there's plenty of room here,” He chuckled lightly as he finished speaking, placing his now empty bowl back on the table. He looked over to Dazai, who had a somewhat luminous look in his eyes as he wore a slight smirk filled with mirth.
“Chhuu~ya! I don’t know how you can ask such a ridiculous favor! How am I supposed to walk around the city after I practically threw myself at you in the snow!?” Dazai faked offense.
“Well you’re already here aren’t you?” Chuuya shrugged, giving him a soft glare.
“Oh well, if you insist, I guess I should stay for just a little while longer then.” Dazai agreed reluctantly, “You’re lucky you’re cute.” He smirked, looking down at his bowl.
“Shut up.” Chuuya smiled, blushing. There was a brief moment of silence between them as both of them processed the other’s statement. A wide grin spread across both of their faces. Dazai giggled in glee. Chuuya rolled his eyes at him.
They both shuffled to Chuuya’s bedroom, tired out of their minds. They both crawled under the covers. As they lay next to each other, with their bodies close, Dazai wrapped his arm around Chuuya’s waist, pulling him closer to his body. Chuuya snuggled close to his partner’s chest, his arm resting over Dazai’s. The fan hummed as cool air from the window came in. The lights were completely shut off and it was dim.
“What if,” Dazai murdered, barely audible, “What if I had died?” he whispered in Chuuya’s ear.
Chuuya could feel his heart shatter at his partner’s words. He gripped Dazai’s shirt. He didn’t say anything. He simply rested his forehead against Dazai’s shoulder and pulled him closer.
“I would miss you. So much.” He stated in a low tone.
“You’d get over it,” Dazai mumbled.
“No, I don’t think I would,” Chuuya absentmindedly responded.
Chuuya slowly drifted into slumber, the comfort of his partner so close by after what had happened to linger in his mind.
His last thought was that he hoped that Dazai was alright.
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