Chapter Text
THE NIGHT AFTER VIRMIRE
It was so quiet. It made Shepard uneasy. She had teased Tali for being unable to sleep on the Normandy, but now she faced the same problem. When you grew up on the streets of a big city, you were used to noise. Quiet meant something was wrong.
Something is wrong, Shepard thought. She stood up from her desk, activating the door to her cabin with a soft whoosh. The living quarters were empty at this time of night, the lights had been lowered to simulate a day-night cycle the same way they did on large space stations like the Citadel. The sleeper pods glowed softly, the crew members had already turned in.
Shepard found herself moving to Kaidan's control panel, and running her hands across it, slowly, reverently. She exhaled sharply, stepping back until she hit the wall and sliding down it to end up sitting on the floor. Her hair was tied back in her usual tight, military bun and it was uncomfortable against the steel wall so she reached up to pull it loose, letting the dark tendrils fall down around her face.
She pulled her knees in and rested her head against them, closing her eyes. She heard the hum of the elevator and knew someone was coming, but was reluctant to move.
You are Commander Shepard, she thought. You cannot let them see you like this.
She heard the elevator open even as she stood up, reluctantly moving towards the tables. Who is still up? she wondered.
Garrus rounded the corner and she breathed a soft sigh of relief. Relief that it had not been Ashley. Garrus noticed her reaction, and approached her. “You alright, Commander?” he asked, his blue eyes took in her loose hair, strained expression.
She thought about lying to him, but really there was no point. “I couldn’t sleep,” she admitted. “It’s too quiet.”
Garrus’ mandibles flexed as he nodded thoughtfully. He pulled out a chair at the table, and Shepard sat. Garrus sat down beside her. “Do you want to talk about today?” he asked.
No, she thought. Her dark fingers twisted together in agitation on the table, and she stared at them, avoiding his gaze.
Garrus stood up, and she turned to him in surprize. “I’ll be right back,” he reassured her.
She watched as he walked into the med bay, the door closing behind him with a soft whoosh. He reappeared a minute later carrying a bottle and a glass. “I overheard the Doctor mention some brandy stashed in her desk,” he explained.
He set a glass in front of her and Shepard watched as he poured her a drink, fascinated as ever with the dexterity of his delicate three-fingered hands. He sat down and gestured for Shepard to drink.
She took a long drink, draining the glass. When she set it down, Garrus dutifully refilled it, his eyes on her. “I left him to die,” she said softly.
Garrus handed her the refilled glass. “To Kaidan,” he said in a low voice.
“To Kaidan,” she echoed, once more draining the contents.
“You did all you could, Shepard,” Garrus told her as he refilled her glass. The bottle was half empty, now.
“Did I?” she said doubtfully. “It feels like I killed him, Garrus. I ordered him to set a bomb and stay there until it detonated.”
“You would have gone back for him if you could have,” Garrus said. “We all know that.”
Shepard’s eyes stung and she blinked back the tears. Garrus wrapped his long fingers around hers and her breathing hitched. She brought her eyes to his as he said, “We believe in you, Shepard. I believe in you. Kaidan did too.”
Shepard pulled her hand away. “Kaidan is dead,” she said stiffly, and returned to her room.