Chapter Text
Yuta woke up with Jaehyun softly singing the song playing on the radio.
The sun hit his side of the car and even the tinted windows did not prevent the rays hitting his face from warming his skin and causing his sleep to be interrupted by the light in his eyes.
"Hey." Jaehyun glanced at him through the lens of his sunglasses and gave a slight smile before returning his gaze to the road. “We are almost there.”
Yuta curled up in the car's passenger seat, where he'd slept most of the trip since they'd left Seoul nearly five hours ago. It was a long drive, but Jaehyun was excited about the long hours on the road and said Yuta could handle the songs, which he barely listened to because of the motion sickness medicine he took before leaving and which put him in a near-coma, his eyes struggling to stay open.
He took the pillow off his neck and rubbed his face, trying to familiarize himself with his surroundings as he had just woken up for real.
"Are you feeling better?" Jaehyun asked, taking Yuta's hand and bringing it to his lips, leaving a seal on the back before returning it to Yuta's thigh where it was before. His gaze fixed on the road, his hair slicked back and his white shirt with the buttons undone, gave Jaehyun a carefree air that Yuta couldn't remember the last time he saw him. He looked beautiful. Yuta's heart squeezed in his chest.
"Yes." Yuta replied, briefly. He wanted to hold Jaehyun's hand again.
He couldn't say why, but in the days before this trip to Geoje, Yuta wasn't feeling well. It could be the anxiety of having to spend hours on the road, something Yuta never really liked, but the look on Jaehyun's face when they decided to drive to the island, made him excited about the possibility of spending more time together with his husband.
But, that wasn't enough for his body to perk up. On the contrary, Yuta felt his hands shake and his heart race whenever he felt that his anxiety showed the sign of being present in his life. It was years without it bothering him, but in the last few months, Yuta had to seek comfort in things he wasn't proud of, but helped him control his mind racing with thoughts.
The pack of cigarettes hidden in his purse guiltily.
Yuta tried to calm the restlessness that threatened to take over his thoughts again. He leaned back in the seat, turned up the music, and closed his eyes again.
There was silence in the car. Not a complete silence because it was filled by the music that Yuta didn't pay attention to. But the silence between Jaehyun and him.
The silence he doesn't know when it started. Yuta only noticed when one day, he looked for his husband and he wasn't there. When he wanted to share a happy moment with Jaehyun and he was too busy with work.
When Yuta woke up earlier to say good morning, but found the bed empty and the other side cold because in fact, Jaehyun didn't come home, just a message saying he was going to sleep in the office.
Maybe silence would be his new husband.
How ironic for a couple who used to spend hours talking about their dreams and desires until they realized that the sun was already clearing the night sky.
Yuta didn't know when their marriage started to fall apart. He can't say since when they became strangers, not even when he started to miss Jaehyun even though they live under the same roof.
He can't pinpoint when he started smoking again and how Jaehyun never noticed.
It must be because he's never home.
Yuta grabbed the sunglasses from his bag and put them on before any tears could escape his eyes and Jaehyun noticed.
The trip didn't seem to have the same meaning for Jaehyun as it did for him.
Jaehyun was excited about the possibility that they could spend a week together away from the chaos of the big city and the worry of their jobs.
Yuta wondered if they really should be there.
During the three stops they made, Jaehyun spent most of his time checking company things, casually exchanging messages trying to remain unnoticed, but Yuta already knew all the mannerisms when he tried to hide it.
He squeezed the bag, holding the nicotine craving in his system. Smiling when Jaehyun turned his attention to him.
“The sea here is so beautiful.” Jaehyun commented as they started to cross the bridge.
"Yes it is, it's such a vivid blue." Yuta replied, more to himself, he didn't know if Jaehyun had heard since he spoke in a sigh. Yuta had the impression that lately Jaehyun didn't listen to what he said.
"Must be because it's closer to your home." Jaehyun said without thinking too much, and Yuta felt the tightness in his chest again as he wanted to reply that home is with Jaehyun, but that's not how he feels anymore.
Yuta vividly remembers the days when the homesickness was so strong that he just wanted to catch the first flight to Osaka and be together with his father and mother. The longing for what used to be his home, where he had known love and affection.
In those moments, years ago, Jaehyun was with him, helping him as best he could.
Now, Yuta would be hypocritical to say that he feels the same way at their house.
Face turned to the window watching the blue immensity that spread around him, Yuta imagined what it would be like to be in the middle of all that water while letting the waves take him in the direction they wanted, taking him closer to home. His real home. What would it be like to be washed away from all the agony and sadness that consumed him at night when he lay alone in bed, while everything ran down the water and he would be just a body floating in the immensity of the sea that would take him away from that place that left aimlessly, which made him forget what love is.
Would Jaehyun go looking for him? Would he miss his presence while Yuta was dragged away? Would Jaehyun save him?
Or would he go through life as if the person he promised to love wasn't being taken away from him?
Yuta wondered if Jaehyun had already noticed the sea that existed between them. The immensity that separated them in recent months.
"-when we get there?" Jaehyun's voice brought him out of his thoughts.
“Hm?”
“Where do you want to go first when we get there?” He repeated the question and continued, “we should go to one of the places we looked at earlier, I think we can see the sunset today, and then look for a restaurant…”
Jaehyun's voice sounded so far away. Yuta's mind seemed to turn down the volume of all those plans that would have excited him any other time than this one. The anticipation of being in a space with lots of people, the noise, the conversations made him anxious. But right now, he wasn't strong enough to try to explain it to Jaehyun, so he just nodded.
Maybe he should change his ways and give this trip a chance. Jaehyun looked so excited the whole ride and Yuta didn't want to spoil those moments of calm and happiness between them.
At the same time, ignoring everything that had accumulated over the last few months between them wouldn't be so easy.
Yuta could be any type of person, but he wasn't the type to confront someone about something that bothered him. Perhaps because of this fact, he ended up reaching a point where he could explode at any moment. To prevent this from happening, he preferred silence and a cigarette.
After all, he was fighting a battle alone.
“Yeah, we could do that.” Yuta kept his face on the car window, the landscape was really beautiful, he wished he had brought some drawing material to capture the blue of the sea that soon mixed with the green of the trees beside the road. Those colors always calmed him down.
The clouds were starting to gather and true to the forecast he checked last week, it should start raining soon.
"Hm, I don't think watching the sunset is going to be an option Jae" Yuta said as he looked out the car window at the clouds starting to cover up the sun.
"Too bad, I was counting on getting lucky today." Jaehyun took his hand again, and this time kept it close to him as they started into the city. Indeed, it was a cozy place, the narrow streets but that brought a different feeling. Maybe Geoje would be the place they needed.
"Can you check the address of the place we're staying that Johnny sent us?" Jaehyun lifted his glasses and placed them on his head, tying his hair back. Yuta loved it when he did that. "And please get my eyeglasses from your bag?"
When they were leaving the house, Yuta saw Jaehyun's glasses still on the counter. As much as he was a short-sighted person who needed it all the time, Jaehyun was too stubborn to wear something that would help him see better. "You're all I need to see" , he always told Yuta when he scolded Jaehyun for squinting his eyes to see better. "But I'm not the one to show you what's written on the signs, Jae, that's what your eyes are for." Yuta replied as he took Jaehyun's glasses out of his bag and placed them on his face, which thanked him by placing a kiss on his lips.
That's why Yuta always checked in every corner of the house when they were going to travel if his husband had taken his glasses, his eyes almost always getting irritated by the lenses when he wore them for too long.
This time it was no different, and Yuta knew he hadn't picked up his glasses before leaving downstairs with their bags.
It was also no different that Jaehyun knew that Yuta would have brought the glasses in his bag.
"If it weren't for me you would have already gotten a ticket and got three different license plates wrong."
Johnny didn't lie when he said he had booked a romantic place with a breathtaking view. Yuta was impressed.
The two arrived in the room, the dusk darkened by the heavy clouds deprived the room of light, and while Jaehyun took the suitcases from the car Yuta turned on the lights to see the place.
It was beautiful and so big, with a wooden floor and a small makeshift kitchen, “I know Jaehyun likes to cook” , Yuta could already hear Johnny's words in his mind.
Yuta left the bag on the sofa that divided the living room and the small kitchen, and went straight to the bedroom.
Right away, Yuta saw a large glass wall that had access to a small balcony. The huge bed and tiredness already called Yuta to throw himself, but he knew that if he lay down now, his body wouldn't get up from there so soon.
He went to the glass wall and opened the sliding door. The view took his breath away. The balcony had a full view of a patch of sea that stretched along its endless blue expanse. Yuta approached the railings and leaned there, admiring the beautiful view of the city below, the mountain still damp from the rains that fell almost every day on the island, the calm waves that beat over the rocks. The wind that announced rain at any moment ruffled his hair. Yuta closed his eyes and just felt that cold that still made his body shiver and the noise in the distance of the waves and the wind that swayed the leaves of the trees.
Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice when Jaehyun stopped beside him. When Yuta opened his eyes, Jaehyun was in the same position, only with a look on his face and a small smile that made Yuta's cheeks hot.
“It's so beautiful here, so peaceful,” Jaehyun began, “I'm glad Johnny was so insistent for us to come.” He approached Yuta and wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Yuta accepted the affection and laid his head on his husband's shoulder, admiring the view and enjoying that intimate moment. He just wanted to smell Jaehyun's perfume, feel his body close to him..
Before Yuta could respond, Jaehyun's cell phone started ringing. Yuta sighed and internally thanked those mere minutes they had together before everything evaporated into thin air.
Jaehyun placed a kiss on top of his head and released his grip on Yuta's waist before heading back inside the room where the cell phone was still ringing.
Yuta felt his body lose balance and a slight dizziness hit him as soon as Jaehyun's arm let go of his body, he grabbed the railing and closed his eyes, sighing deeply trying to regain focus.
Precious minutes that disappeared as soon as they arrived. Yuta felt his hands start to shake again.
He looked around and noticed a two seater sofa and a small table with two chairs. Maybe it would be good to spend the morning there.
Yuta went back inside the room, closing the door as the darkness of the beginning of the night invaded the place. He could see from the bedroom, Jaehyun sitting on the couch and his cell phone pressed to his ear as he talked to someone at work. Something he saw countless times at home when he got up in the middle of the night.
Since they arrived, Yuta remembered that he still hadn't looked at his cell phone. He went to the sofa where he had left it, and picked up the bag next to Jaehyun who was so immersed in the conversation on his cell phone and the laptop already open in his lap, he didn't notice Yuta until he squeezed his shoulder to say softly that he would take it shower, Jaehyun just nodded and turned his attention to the screen in front of him.
Yuta quickly got out of there before the coldness of that attitude reached his heart.
A hot shower was all he needed right now.
Almost twenty minutes after Yuta got out of the shower, Jaehyun turned off his laptop and went to take a shower, saying it would be a quick thing for them to look for something to eat.
Yuta only realized that he hadn't eaten yet at the mention of going to some restaurant that Jaehyun had looked up online earlier. Perhaps his shaking hands and chills were the lack of food in his system. In fact, Yuta hadn't eaten properly for several days, he only realized that when all his clothes started to feel loose and he was forced to buy a belt.
He just wasn't hungry. He didn't feel like eating and every day having to cook dinner for just one person when he got home from work became meaningless to Yuta. He remembers, and maybe holding on to those memories is a bad thing, but Yuta likes to remember that at some point they were happy, they were in fact a couple, who were in love with each other.
But now, Yuta got used to finding an empty house, without affection, without the presence of the person he loved.
They used to cook at least one meal together, dinner. Jaehyun made a point of cooking, it was something intimate between the two, the moment when the two were apart for a whole day and when they got together at the beginning of the night, they could share about their days.
It became a routine, and those were memories that Yuta cherished, because at first, he was afraid that this would become something boring, the routine of marriage. But he found that he loved every minute of being able to come home and be able to share all his frustrations, joys or just having that moment to talk with Jaehyun.
All those memories, treasured with so much love by Yuta, but what made him sad was the fact that he didn't know if all those moments meant the same thing to Jaehyun.
Each day, it seemed like he already had the answer.
Jaehyun was wearing his t-shirt and his cell phone was starting to ring again.
Yuta sighed, maybe it was just the last details for them to enjoy the off-season vacation that the two got from their jobs. Maybe tomorrow he will have Jaehyun all to himself.
Or maybe not. Because while Jaehyun was leaving the room, Yuta heard him almost whispering “let's settle this tomorrow, I'm leaving now.”
And it was at that moment that Yuta knew no, he wouldn't have Jaehyun tomorrow, or this week, or next month.
He had already lost Jaehyun but he needed that moment to realize it. Yuta felt so stupid, how could he still have hope of recovering a completely shattered marriage?
Sitting on the sofa while watching Jaehyun in the room, Yuta felt an enormous loneliness. During all this time that he watched his marriage dissolve, the person he loved so much didn't seem to realize how broken it was leaving Yuta.
Yuta thought he could fix everything himself.
Suddenly, the room that once seemed big and comfortable became suffocating. Yuta felt his chest tighten and not enough air to fill his lungs. His eyes filled with tears before he could even try to control himself.
“I found it” Jaehyun said as he left the room, “I think it's going to rain soon and since we're going to walk, I brought an umbrella-” Yuta left the room before he could continue. He just needed to get out of there, the whole room was spinning and Yuta went down the access to the room without looking back; the air was insufficient, his vision blurred and not knowing where to go, he just kept walking.
Yuta didn't know where he was going, he just needed space, he needed air.
Only when he entered a narrower street did Yuta hear Jaehyun's footsteps behind him. It started to drizzle that night, and Yuta felt so cold, he felt his body trembling.
“Yuta, wait” Jaehyun shouted after him as Yuta continued walking with long and hurried steps, aimlessly, on a cold night in an unknown place. The same way he felt at his marriage.
Yuta didn't stop and kept walking, his hair getting wet and sticking to his forehead.
When Yuta realized that he couldn't walk any further, his breath short and the feeling that he might pass out at any moment, he stopped. The street is deserted and poorly lit.
Yuta stopped in the middle of the street and waited until Jaehyun could catch up. He stopped a few meters away. The worried look hidden under the shadow that cast on his face.
With trembling hands, Yuta took the still dry cigarette out of his pants pocket along with the lighter he had taken before running out.
"You shouldn't smoke."
Jaehyun spoke when he saw Yuta trying to light his cigarette under the still falling drizzle; Jaehyun was under an umbrella but Yuta had left his side and his hair was already starting to get wet from the raindrops.
Jaehyun couldn't remember the last time he saw a cigarette in Yuta's mouth. He had vague memories of it being when they were still in college.
After Jaehyun insisted that it would only be bad for his health, Yuta stopped smoking.
Since they got married, Jaehyun never smelled the nicotine on him.
Yuta finally managed to light it and Jaehyun saw that his hands were shaking, even in the low light of that humid night, he could see his thin and trembling fingers that held the cigarette in his mouth between his thumb and pointer and then released the smoke.
"You shouldn't tell me what to do." Yuta was furious, suddenly Jaehyun cares about him?
Jaehyun was taken aback by the husky, low voice.
"Yuta, what's going on? Why are you acting this way?" He sighed and took a step closer to him, but Yuta took a step back, "since when did you start smoking again?"
Yuta blew out the smoke once more. He was silent.
"Yuta, what's going on?"
Yuta let out a laugh as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
He turned to face him, and Jaehyun saw that his face was wet with what appeared to be more than light rain. Yuta had been crying since he left the room, but he only noticed now that he stopped and tried to decipher Jaehyun's gaze.
"What's going on?" Yuta let out an awkward laugh again, "What's going on? You should tell me Jaehyun!" He pointed his finger while holding the cigarette at Jaehyun.
Yuta had something in his eyes that Jaehyun couldn't decipher.
Jaehyun always knew how to read his husband's eyes, but that night with the low light he didn't see the same bright eyes he fell in love with.
"Yuta, I-"
"Jaehyun, do you know why Johnny gave us this trip?"
Jaehyun tried to speak but it sounded like a rhetorical question so he fell silent.
Yuta took a last drag on his cigarette and threw it on the floor, stepping on it to put it out.
He blew out the smoke.
The rain was starting to thicken, but Yuta made no mention of seeking shelter or getting under the umbrella with Jaehyun.
"Jaehyun," he continued and his voice was now cracked and Jaehyun could see his eyes watering, "you… do you know what we were supposed to celebrate when you left me alone in that restaurant last week?"
Jaehyun tried to remember. What month were they? Was it May? Then…
Jaehyun widened his eyes.
"Was-"
"Yeah Jaehyun, was our fucking wedding anniversary and you didn't even care enough to go!" Yuta screamed, his hair was completely wet now, and his clothes started to stick to his body.
"You left me alone, while you were at work, God knows doing what would be more important than spending one," he showed one finger of his raised hand while the other circled his waist, "a single night with me Jaehyun, which you haven't done it in ages, and you'd rather sleep on the couch that night than sleep with me!" Yuta screamed and cried at the same time, he felt as if his heart was going to explode and the grip only increased, his body was shivering from the cold.
Jaehyun couldn't speak, no matter how hard he tried, his mouth opened and closed but no words came out. His fingers turned white from squeezing the umbrella.
"Do you have any idea how I felt when I woke up at dawn and you were sleeping on the couch with an empty bottle of whiskey next to the table?" Yuta wiped away his tears but it was in vain. "I felt like you'd rather stay anywhere else than with me. I feel like our marriage doesn't matter to you anymore."
Jaehyun felt the tears running down his face.
"Yuta, I'm-"
"That night Johnny and Doyoung picked me up at the restaurant, and then Johnny told me that maybe it would have been something urgent at work and you couldn't have gone out and I really wanted to believe his words." Yuta continued and Jaehyun saw his body shake. "Later he told me that his gift to us would be this trip and that maybe it would be what we needed to get things right…but I think he was wrong." Yuta looked at his shoes, he couldn't look at Jaehyun's face at that moment.
"I'm sorry." It was the only thing Jaehyun managed to say.
“I'm coming back to our room now, no need to follow me, you can enjoy the rest of the night."
Yuta turned and walked back, his clothes soaked from the rain and his footsteps echoing through the water on the street.
Jaehyun just stood there as he watched his husband walk away.