Chapter Text
“Do you want to kiss me now?”
Walter’s heart was pounding out of his chest as the question was asked in the darkened room. For the past week he had been hoping, dreaming, longing for something like this to happen, and now it seemed like it was.
It had all started a week earlier when he and Henry had gone to a party in one of the university dorm buildings on campus. Walter wasn’t that into the social scene but Henry enjoyed it so he usually went along. This particular night was rough because he’d spent more time than he would have liked watching, and trying not to watch, Henry making out with a very pretty girl. Every time his eyes were pulled towards the pair, Walter’s breath would catch. He focused on Henry’s soft, red lips and how they would press against hers. When their mouths opened wider, he closed his eyes briefly and imagined it was his own mouth Henry was exploring with his tongue. When Henry moved a palm up to her neck, Walter unconsciously did the same with his own hand…until he caught himself and quickly returned it to his lap. Finally, he forced himself to find someone to chat with, otherwise he was going to drive himself crazy, though he purposefully positioned himself to be able to see the pair easily.
Henry and Walter had been roommates at the same exclusive boarding school and were now sharing an apartment while attending university. They had been friends since childhood, and while Walter’s crush on his friend had begun long before high school, it had really only gotten worse. Many times he had sat across from Henry, thinking about how smooth and supple his lips were, visualizing himself finally leaning forward to deliver the kiss that would change everything, that would lead to their “happily ever after” like the fairy tale characters had, but he could never do it. In his imagination, the tender yearned-for touch only led to anger and discomfort and the end.
He knew that instead of a few hookups here and there, he should be trying to find an available guy – or more than one – to date, but he just couldn’t see himself with anyone else, which was a lonely position to be in since Henry was straight. Walter tried to tell himself that after university, he would make a change and try to find someone with whom he could be happy…or maybe almost as happy as he thought Henry would make him, but for now he felt stuck, trapped by his long-standing desire.
He was barely keeping up his end of the small talk at the party when he saw Henry and the girl stop kissing. She pulled out her phone and handed it to him, but to Walter’s surprise Henry, still with a smile on his face, put up a hand, shook his head, and said something, evidently refusing to give her his number. She didn’t react well to that and flounced off, probably going to find some girlfriends to tell them what a bastard Henry was. Now alone, the redhead glanced over at Walter, and then grinned and tilted his head towards the door. Walter smiled back at him and excused himself before walking towards the door.
“Let’s get out of here.” Henry led the way down the stairs, taking them more steadily than Walter had expected after seeing how many drinks he’d consumed. Walter had nursed one beer all night, not wanting to get too drunk.
Once on the street in the chill of the night, Henry started laughing. “I was so rude to that girl! She asked me for my number and I totally refused, point blank! Obviously that doesn’t happen to her very often.” He sounded pretty pleased with himself, in a buzzed sort of way.
Walter couldn’t help but chuckle. “No, I’m sure it doesn’t. But why didn’t you give it to her?” He’d seen Henry go out with a number of girls since they’d been at school together.
Henry gave an exaggerated shrug. “I dunno. I was making out with her and it was fine but there was no spark, you know?” He weaved a bit as they made their way down the sidewalk in the direction of their apartment, which was only a couple of blocks away. “I mean, I go out with these girls and they’re fine and everything, but, I don’t know, we have stuff in common but…it’s just not the same like it is…and it’s not super easy to talk to them, like it is…with you, and then kissing them is okay but…well….” He extended his arm out to grab a signpost and walked in a circle around it, and ended up facing Walter, who’d had to stop short in order not to crash into his unstable friend. The friend who now gently placed two fingertips against Walter’s mouth and said quietly, “They don’t have lips like yours.” Walter froze, completely unable to process what was happening, totally unprepared for Henry to swallow hard before leaning in and replacing the tips of his fingers with his own soft, red lips in a delicate kiss. With his eyes closed, Walter thought he heard bells ringing and choirs singing out. This touch was everything he’d wanted, all he’d ever need, something he never thought he’d feel, but now it was coursing through his entire body. He realized he wasn’t breathing and was light-headed when he finally opened his eyes – to see Henry’s half-open mouth and stunned expression.
Henry was breathing, unlike himself. Walter noticed the rise and fall of his chest before he returned his eyes to the other young man’s face. He thought he saw shock and disbelief, not fear or disgust, in Henry’s expression. The two stared at each other for a long moment before Henry swallowed again and stepped back. In silence, he turned and started walking in the direction of their apartment. Walter followed, afraid to say anything; he didn’t know what his friend wanted or needed to hear, nor what he himself would even say.
Thankfully, the awkward walk didn’t take long. Once inside the apartment, Henry said a quick goodnight and disappeared into his room. Their families were wealthy enough to be able to afford a place with two en suite bathrooms so Walter wouldn’t need to see his friend until one of them decided he was too hungry to avoid leaving his room.
The following day was somewhat painful as the two tried to avoid each other, but eventually their interactions seemed to return to normal. Walter assumed that Henry was putting it out of his mind and he tried to do the same, though it was difficult. Now that they had kissed, it was all he could think about, though, really, the events of that night only seemed prove what Walter had always felt, that the two of them should be together.
When Walter was a young child, his mother had read him fairy tales that featured handsome princes who rode on horseback and always managed to save the day. Most of the time there was also a beautiful princess or peasant girl, and, in the best of the stories, there were kisses. “For a long time the Prince stood and gazed upon her, for never in all his life had he seen a maiden so lovely. Then he suddenly bent down and kissed her lips.” The scene from Sleeping Beauty was one of his favorites and the words never failed to elicit a shiver from the young boy…though not for the reason his mother would have assumed. No, little Walter’s delight stemmed from imagining him and his best friend in the stories. Sometimes Walter was the brave prince rescuing Henry from danger; other times, his lively friend wore the royal diadem and swept Walter away to their happily ever after. It gave Walter great pleasure casting his friend in the role of handsome prince or fair peasant boy, but even at a young age, he knew he dare not tell Henry.
Walter knew that boys were expected to want to kiss princesses and girls, and that his own inclinations were different. When he got a bit older, he heard and read terms like “gay” and “queer” and realized they applied to him, but he also read and heard other, more negative terms, some online, some from classmates…and some from his father. Walter knew he needed to keep his feelings and desires to himself if he wanted to stay out of trouble, so he did, though a tiny part of him always wanted to let Henry, his best friend in the world, know.
When the opportunity came to board at Hillerska, he jumped at the chance. Living away from his father and with Henry seemed like a dream come true, and in some ways it was. Free from the constant fear of discovery, he found himself dreaming of possibilities he’d never before imagined: a future where he could live and love as he wanted. However, the reality of the situation was very different: he was an unwilling witness to Henry’s encounters with girls. He’d been unprepared for the visceral reaction he felt when he saw his redheaded crush kissing a girl from Manor House at a first-year party. The pain in his stomach and chest was so sharp, he thought there was something physically wrong with him, but no, it was all in his heart and soul.
Over time the ache lessened and Walter hoped he would meet someone else to whom he would be drawn as much as he was to Henry, but he never did. He told himself that the pool of available candidates at Hillerska was small and that once he was out in the “real world” it would be different, but so far it wasn’t. True, he had met a couple of guys to whom he had a physical reaction (he was hung up on Henry, not dead) but there was no real connection, no pull towards them, no desire past the kissing and groping of someone looking for a poor substitute for what he had always and only wanted.
A week had passed after the kiss on the street and Walter had resigned himself to the fact that maybe a chance had come and gone. He had texted his friend Magnus to ask if he had any advice; he had suggested talking to Henry but Walter was too afraid of the consequences, so said nothing.
On Friday night, the two decided to watch a Netflix movie after dinner. The film wasn’t too bad, but it had an unexpected romantic plotline that churned up some emotions for Walter. Once it was over, night had fallen and it was quite dark, both outside and inside the apartment. They hadn’t put any lights on before starting the film, so when Henry turned off the TV, only the faint ambient light from a nearby lamppost illuminated the room.
Walter could hear Henry’s breathing from the other side of the long sofa. He waited, sensing something was coming but unsure what. After Henry swallowed, he finally spoke. “Walter, when I…kissed you the other night…did you enjoy it?”
Heart pounding in his chest, Walter was afraid to look at Henry, even in the darkness. He feared what he might see in the other’s face. He knew he had to answer him, and he knew he had to tell the truth, even if the consequences scared him. “Ye-yeah, I did.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw Henry’s head nodding, and then, “Did you want to kiss me again?”
Walter could barely breathe now. “I did, yeah.”
He heard movement and turned his head to see Henry shift to face him. His friend’s chest heaved like it had on the street that night. Henry swallowed hard. “Do you want to kiss me now?”
Every nerve ending in Walter’s body was on fire and it was all he could do not to launch himself across the couch. His voice shook as he replied, “Ye-yes, I do…if you want me to.”
Henry slowly stood up, took a couple of steps, and then lowered himself gingerly on the couch next to Walter so their faces were inches apart and Walter could feel the puffs of Henry’s hot breath across his mouth and cheeks. He knew he needed to wait for Henry to make the move, no matter how long it took, or if it happened at all, but it was difficult when everything he had ever wanted was right in front of him.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Henry began to lean forward, but then stopped. Inside, Walter was crying out, desperate and yearning, but he knew he had to be patient. Henry swallowed and then licked his lips before closing the gap and meeting Walter’s lips with his own in a soft, all too brief kiss. Walter felt Henry pull back slightly and Walter began to chase Henry’s mouth before stopping himself; he needed his friend to feel his way and set the pace. He waited again and was relieved and excited to feel Henry’s supple lips return to touch his. This time, Walter also leaned forward to add some pressure to the kiss, uniting their mouths more firmly, which only drove him more wild. Henry did not seem to object but as this was happening, one of Henry’s hands sought out Walter’s and gripped it tightly, hopefully more out of excitement than fear. Walter’s own heart was hammering in his chest as it started to sink in that this was really happening, that he and Henry were here, on their couch, in an embrace. Henry’s delicate kisses were making him breathless and light-headed, so it was good that the pressure on his hand grounded him.
Walter lost track of time as their mouths met over and over, at first fleetingly but soon Henry’s lips were lingering on Walter’s and he felt them beginning to part. The crushing grip on Walter’s hand began to loosen as he felt Henry pour more of himself into their embrace. When Henry let go of his hand entirely and brought it up to Walter’s face to cup his cheek, he let out a small gasp. The feeling of the other’s palm and fingers on his face was so intimate, so tender, he almost couldn’t stand it. When Henry slid that hand to the back of Walter’s head to pull him closer and, at the same time, snake out his tongue to enter Walter’s mouth, he was gone. Willing himself to move slowly, he gripped Henry’s shoulder with his still-throbbing hand as he finally allowed himself to take the lead. Still locked in a deep kiss, Walter pushed Henry back and down so he was lying on the long couch. He gently let himself settle onto Henry’s prone body, a body with which he was intimately familiar after years of boyhood wrestling matches, locker room changing rooms, and shared living spaces…but this was something different. This contact was not accidental, was not competitive, was not awkward; now their bodies were touching purposefully, in unison, in coordination.
Walter felt Henry breathing heavily below him and broke off the kiss to pull his head back slightly to check on the other young man. Henry’s eyes fluttered open and he gazed up at Walter with what looked like a stunned expression. Walter searched his face for signs of fear or doubt but saw nothing like that, nothing to stop him from reaching out a hand to run through Henry’s short hair. As wonderful as it felt along his fingers, Walter couldn’t help but regret not taking the chance to do this when Henry had worn it longer; it would have been even more thrilling.
When Walter began carding his hair, Henry sighed and closed his eyes again, and Walter felt him start to relax into the couch. As he stroked the side of his head, Walter never took his eyes off Henry’s face: the long lashes, the soft lips, the tiny freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheeks…it was all open to him to savor. He moved his hand from Henry’s hair to his face and delicately traced one finger along his cheekbone, causing the other to gasp. He continued to draw it down, past Henry’s ear, and along his jawline. At his chin, Walter stopped and brought his fingertip up to the center of Henry’s bottom lip, touching it ever so gently, pulling it down ever so slightly. He felt Henry’s body shudder beneath him, a sensation Walter wanted to experience again and again.
Without warning, Henry’s eyes flew open and the hand that had been resting loosely on the back of Walter’s neck stiffened and pulled Henry’s head down to crash their mouths together in a fierce, desperate kiss. Walter was the one who gasped this time but quickly recovered. The hand that had been mapping Henry’s face now gripped the side of his head as they writhed together, trying to consume each other, tongues entwined in their open mouths, hands clutching at hair and backs.
While their bodies contorted as they hungrily fed on each other, Walter was very aware that Henry was clearly aroused, which in turn inflamed his passion. He was also very aware that, unless he had missed something along the way, this was unfamiliar territory for Henry, so he was determined to follow the other’s lead. Of course, this was new ground for him as well; unlike his other hookups, Henry was his flatmate, Henry was his best friend, Henry was his everything. He knew that this could complicate things, that this could lead to heartache, that this could ruin everything they’d ever had between them, but he couldn’t stop. This, right here, right now, was better than anything he’d ever imagined, and oh, he had imagined plenty.
As they kissed deeply and less frantically, Walter had to consciously stop himself from unbuttoning Henry’s shirt or sliding a hand down to squeeze him through his pants, though his body was crying out for more contact. In his fantasies, they were almost always naked, allowing access to every inch of skin. He had occasionally seen Henry in some beautifully tailored, well-cut suits and while the redhead always looked gorgeous in them, all Walter wanted to do was rip them off and wrap his naked body with his own.
Walter felt Henry break contact with his mouth and shift underneath him, and at first assumed he was simply adjusting himself more comfortably, but then realized the other young man was beginning to sit up. Walter moved back onto his hands and knees as Henry pulled his legs towards him, out from underneath Walter’s. Henry ended up sitting with his back against the arm of the couch with Walter sitting near his legs on the center cushion. As they had changed positions, Walter had slid his hand along Henry’s leg and left it resting on his thigh near his knee. He told himself that he needed to maintain physical contact in some small way to reassure Henry but it was also to reassure himself. He turned his head towards his friend but Henry was looking down at the floor.
“Are you okay?” Walter realized that he probably should have asked before now but had been too caught up in the moment.
Still looking down, Henry swallowed and nodded. A few long seconds went by before he turned his head to meet Walter’s steady gaze. “Did you know?”
At first, Walter wasn’t sure how to answer. It was what he’d longed for? Dreamed about? Wanted with every fiber of his being? Maybe now was not the time for complete honesty. “I’d hoped.”
With his eyes still locked on Walter’s, Henry nodded again and then inhaled deeply. “I…this…it’s a lot to process,” he said before glancing away again. “I think I’ll go to bed, if that’s okay with you.”
Walter tried not to let his voice betray his concern. “Yeah, sure, of course.” He didn’t want to say more in case he said too much.
For a moment, Walter held his breath as they remained immobile. Then, Henry slowly reached out to squeeze the hand that was still resting on his leg as he shot a small smile at Walter. “Good night, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Walter smiled gently back at him. “Night, Henry. See you in the morning.” He watched as Henry climbed off the couch and disappeared down the hall to his room.
The minute he was out of sight, Walter released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and ran his hand through his hair. What had happened tonight? Was this the worst idea in the world? Had Henry even wanted to do any of that? It certainly seemed like it but…. Thoughts swirling, he groaned and tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. He was glad that Henry had taken a moment to clasp his hand before leaving the room but still…. He straightened his head, closed his eyes, and lightly touched his lips with his fingertips, the lips that were still tingling with the sensation of Henry’s urgent kisses. He dropped his hand and sighed as he pushed himself off the couch and went to his bedroom. As he brushed his teeth, he shook his head at his reflection and wondered if his roiling brain would allow him to get any sleep.
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The next morning, Walter awoke and immediately began to worry about Henry and his state of mind. He hadn’t slept well, tossing and turning most of the night, so was not surprised to glance at the clock and see that it was later than usual for him, even on a weekend morning. He groaned and rolled on his back to stare at the ceiling. As he lay there, wondering and fretting about how things were going to go between the two of them, he realized he smelled coffee. Inhaling deeply, he summoned his courage and climbed out of bed, determined to face the situation and hoped that no irreparable damage had been done. He threw on a hoodie over his t-shirt and pajama pants before leaving his room and going down the hall, heart pounding with each step.
He hadn’t realized he was holding his breath until he saw Henry, standing in the small kitchen, smile at him from behind the counter. He felt some of his tension ease as he exhaled and returned the smile, albeit tentatively. What if Henry was just being polite and friendly? As he continued toward the kitchen, he noticed that Henry was wearing the emerald green sweatshirt Walter had given him for Christmas the previous year. They didn’t usually exchange gifts but Walter had seen this and thought Henry would look gorgeous in it, and he’d been right. He didn’t think he could take this as a sign now but his heart lifted a little at the sight.
“God morgon. Do you want some coffee?” Henry raised his own mug slightly as he made the offer.
“God morgon, ye…yeah, that’d be great, tack.” Walter approached the counter and stood behind one of the bar stools, too wound up to sit. He watched Henry calmly pour a mug of steaming coffee and then add just the right amount of milk to turn it the creamy brown that Walter preferred. He watched as Henry picked it up and, instead of handing it across the countertop, walked around with it and came to a stop in front of Walter. His eyes were drawn down to the mug as Henry held it out to him, gripping it by the handle. When Walter wrapped a hand around the mug’s side to take it, Henry’s other hand covered his, making his heart lurch. As their hands touched, he felt a shock, not just from the coffee’s heat but also from the pure electricity that flowed between them. He watched as Henry carefully extracted the mug from his loose grasp and set it down on the counter, and then gathered Walter’s hands in his. Breathing shallowly, Walter slowly lifted his gaze from their entwined hands to Henry’s face, heart pounding as their eyes met. He barely registered that his hands were being gently squeezed as Henry leaned forward to place a delicate kiss on Walter’s lips. He reopened his eyes, which had naturally closed during the kiss, when he felt Henry pull back, and saw Henry smiling tenderly at him. “Let’s do this,” Henry said quietly.
Hit by a wave of overwhelming relief and happiness, Walter could only nod and try unsuccessfully to blink away the tears that had suddenly gathered in his eyes. Now that the dam had cracked open, he felt a flood of emotions pushing against the walls. He had always cried easily, much to his father’s dismay. He immediately cast his eyes down and tried to pull away from Henry, but the other tightened his grip on Walter’s hands and wouldn’t let him go. He was powerless to stop a sob surging out of his quickly loosening chest. He didn’t want Henry to see him like this, afraid of scaring him away with his intense reaction, but as he began heaving for breath after breath as everything he’d been keeping inside all these years poured out of him, his best friend in the world – and now possibly more – simply enfolded him in his arms and held him fast as he cried tears of joy.