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There are very few times when Aether can truly call Swiss a needy ghoul.
He could call Sodo needy with no problem. He could also easily call Sunshine needy. The rest of them are harder for him to characterize as needy; they obviously have their needs, but they aren’t incessant about it.
Swiss though? He is probably the most independent ghoul Aether has ever seen in a pack.
The distance he keeps the rest of them at should worry Aether, but it doesn't. He would worry that this is just "fun" to him, but when Swiss leans on him at the end of the day, tucks his head under Aether’s chin, and dozes off, Aether knows that this isn’t fun. This is real. He can feel it in his blood. Perks of being a Quintessence ghoul, he guesses.
He also knows that the barrier Swiss puts around them isn’t anything to do with them. It has something to do with Swiss himself; something inside him that he can't seem to let go of quite yet. Aether and, of course, the others are willing to wait for him. They don’t push. Aether's only concern is for Swiss himself. Aether feels like it must be draining. It's obvious that Swiss wants to be a part of everything; it's just that when things get too real, he starts to back off. Though it’s not like he’s unaffectionate or unattached. He just… holds himself back. Aether doesn’t know why, and it somewhat kills him not to know. He's a Quintessence ghoul, he can feel Swiss’s hurt. He is literally designed to help with hurt. Physically or mentally. When the day has wound down, they all relax—play a game, watch a movie, do their own thing—and his gaze sometimes finds Swiss. He sits with them and does things with them, but it doesn’t seem like he’s there. There’s something unreadable in his expression, something Aether can’t grasp.
He loves Swiss, he truly does, but this is something he struggles with. And he doesn’t really understand why either. He's aware that Swiss loves them, even if it is unverbalized. It’s just... somewhat hurtful. Hurtful that Swiss apparently doesn’t feel like he can come to them and express his feelings. But it's easy to get caught up in that way of thinking. He realizes Swiss must have a reason; he's very emotionally intelligent. He is probably one of the most intelligent ghouls Aether has ever met. Swiss is obviously aware, just...
Aether just sighs, runs his hand over his face. He can’t pretend to know. He doesn’t want to sit here and theorize either, he wants to hear it from Swiss. He doesn’t feel like it’s fair to try to guess his problems when he’s not even present. He’s tried to talk about it before, albeit gently. He remembers one such time was when it was their turn to do dishes, Swiss was washing and Aether was drying. He brought it up coyly, which of course led to Swiss answering coyly back. When Aether tried again, was more direct, suddenly they were done. The dish towel was pulled from his hands, replaced by Swiss’s hands. He pressed a kiss to Aether's lips, squeezed his hands, and promised, "We’ll talk about it later." Aether had just nodded, willing to let it go. It had clearly been the right choice at the time, Swiss’s smile and the ‘thank you’ kiss that he received was enough for him. Thinking on it now, he wishes he would’ve pressed even if it had caused a fight. Not that he wants to fight, he just wants to understand. For peace of mind, for Swiss, for himself, just… for everything. Aether thinks there is a way they can talk about this without fighting, he just has to figure out how.
And so he thinks. Throughout the rest of his day, he thinks about how to approach Swiss. Tries to come up with plans to get him alone or not in a tense situation. When the day finally ends, though, when they’re all together, it seems like the most impossible task anyone has ever asked of him. He can’t get Swiss alone, and when he does, he fumbles. He gets scared he’s going to scare Swiss off, so he stumbles on his words, which makes one of Swiss’s eyebrows raise and causes him to tease Aether. But Aether knows Swiss knows something is up. Can tell by the way he looks at Aether when he initially messes up, trying to figure out what Aether wants but evidently can’t place it. Can tell by the way Swiss is rigid when sitting in between Cirrus and Mountain and won’t even look at Aether. He guesses the tension is thick and obvious in the air because he keeps getting looks from Rain and Mountain. Mountain especially, though he tries getting Swiss’ attention as well. Swiss won’t hardly look at any of them; he just shrugs off Mountain when he asks and tells him to watch the movie.
And so the day ends. Eventually they all start heading to bed, Cumulus being the first and Sodo being the last. Sleep doesn’t find Aether easily, despite having warm bodies curled around him and the exhaustion settling in from a long day. He tries though, tries to clear his mind. He thinks he finally dozes off for a few hours before his eyes flutter open at the bed shifting. His eyes adjust to the darkness quickly and he’s able to watch Swiss get up from bed. He manages to slide his way to the end of bed without waking anyone else up. He sits at the end of the bed and rubs at his face, lets out a quiet sigh. He slightly glows in the darkness, the fire inside of him never truly settling. It’s mostly on his pulse areas that glow, like his inner elbow and vaguely his wrists. It is most clear in his chest, right between his collar bones. Aether can see his form almost clearly at the end of their bed, form illuminated by himself. He feels incredibly fond thinking of the light under Swiss’s skin. Swiss sits there for so long, Aether thinks about sitting up and making sure he's alright but before he can, Swiss is up. He pulls on sweatpants and a simple tank top before rummaging around on the floor. Aether isn’t sure what he’s looking for, not until Swiss pulls his pants out of the pile of clothes on the floor and searches through the pockets. He eventually pulls a packet of cigarettes and a lighter from one of the back pockets. Smoking is a habit Swiss has had long before Aether has known him, assume he picked it up from Copia and it just stuck. It’s not harmful to him at all, not in the way it is to humans so Aether has no problem with him smoking. It's a different story for Copia though. They all get onto him endlessly for smoking though Copia has mostly stopped. Aether likes the smell though. He thinks Swiss just likes the way it feels. Swiss says it makes him look cool, same with smoking weed but Aether thinks that he just likes it, nothing else to it. Although smoking weed is something they all regularly did and enjoyed. It doesn’t have quite the same effect on ghouls as it does humans but it's still enjoyable. Swiss, Sodo, and Rain are the only ones who smoke tobacco.
Swiss quickly leaves their room after finding his cigarettes, eager to smoke or maybe just to have a moment to himself. He quietly shuts the door behind him and Aether listens to his footsteps recede. He lays there for a moment longer, staring up at the dark ceiling. He doesn’t have to think about whether he wants to go to talk to Swiss. He obviously does, it’s just a matter of gaining the courage. He blew it earlier, badly. He doesn’t want to make this a thing. Well he does, but not in a bad way. He wants to grow from this, he wants Swiss and all of their relationships to benefit. Maybe thinking too much about it is what he’s doing wrong, maybe he just needs to do it. It's really the only plan he has at the moment.
Aether sits up and manages to free himself from the arms and legs intertwined with his with only a few moans of protest. He's nowhere near as nimble as Swiss, so he counts himself lucky he didn’t wake anyone up. He makes his way out of the room, making sure to close the bedroom door behind him. He pads out to the living room, approaches the sliding door to the small balcony, and lets himself out. The balcony is small and nothing special. They mostly smoke out on it; it's really too small to do anything else. It's in the back of the abbey, overlooking the sea. Aether thinks it was an architectural mistake because none of the other ghoul quarters have balconies, and it’s really too small to be anything more than a small porch. It can fit maybe five of them if they really squeeze together. Even with squeezing, it would be a tight fit. There's a potted plant and an ashtray sitting on the railing, but that’s really the only furniture or decor items they could fit out here.
When Aether approaches, Swiss doesn't look at him. He’s leaning on the railing, staring out at the scenery. Aether stands at his side and watches him take a drag off his cigarette and then push out the smoke. It seems like Swiss makes everything look enchanting. But then his eyes slide over to Aether’s. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and neither does Aether. Aether is about to break the silence, but, of course, Swiss beats him to it with,
"I can hear you thinking, Aeth."
That coaxes a soft laugh from Aether, which in turn makes Swiss’s lips turn up and his eyes crinkle slightly. His gaze shifts away from Aethers once more, back to the ocean. Aether just sighs,
"I think it’s time that "we talk about it later"."
"Do you?"
There’s a bit of bite to his words, but Aether ignores it. Doesn’t really think Swiss means it or even meant for it to come out like that. He presses on,
"I love you. I do, Swiss. I just… I can feel… I want-" Aether can feel the red-hot flashes of frustration building. He still can’t find the words to say. He knows what he wants to say, but he can’t find the right way to say it. Swiss obviously isn’t going to help, judging by the way he’s just looking at Aether. obviously waiting for him to spit it out.
"I don’t think I... can go on like this," that causes Swiss to raise his eyebrows and slightly recoil from Aether’s presence, "Wait—just listen. I know you love me, you love us. I know. But there is something that keeps you from fully loving and being loved by us. I can… feel it inside of you. It kills me to know that you feel like that. That you feel like you can’t truly trust us, me, not even Mountain. I just… was hoping to maybe try and understand why? I don't need you to be fixed because of this; I don't think it's something that particularly needs to be fixed. I love you no matter how you dish out your affection and love. I just want to understand you, Swiss."
Swiss doesn’t respond to him for a good long while; he just looks at Aether. There’s something so vulnerable and open in his eyes. Aether has to look away from him; the way Swiss was looking at him made his chest burn. He leans over the railing, mirroring Swiss’ position. He closes his eyes and hangs his head slightly. He hopes the looking away wasn’t taken as a rejection. He tries to remedy that by sliding his hand over Swiss's, though, intertwining their fingers.
Swiss eventually just hums softly, stubs out his cigarette, and flicks it into the ashtray.
"It's not you, them, or even Copia that I distrust, Aether. I know that none of you would do anything intentionally to hurt me, so I'm not afraid of letting you in for that reason. It’s the people running this place I don't trust," he pauses and sighs, "and I don't mean Copia. He's running this place on paper and in principle, but we all know who pulls the strings here. who masterminds everything,"
Sister Imperator. Maybe also Papa Nihil. Aether doesn’t really know where Nihil comes into play in the big picture. He's easily swayed by Sister Imperator, only really acting on his own accord on minor things.
"I can't… I feel helpless. When it comes to you all. Especially Copia. I knew, Aether. I knew that the other Papas were going to die. Three weeks before they actually did. Nothing I did, nothing any of the other multi-ghouls did helped them. We prayed, begged, bargained, and tried everything. They were going to die no matter what, there was no changing it."
Aether feels like he’s leaving out some details of that. How he makes it sound so definite and so painful. He thinks about asking for more details, but he doesn’t press, knows that this is already a sensitive topic. A different conversation for a different time. He couldn’t imagine being a multi-ghoul. Multi-ghouls are coveted, the rarest and hardest element to summon, and for good reason. They’re a mix of all elements, so they can do literally any job with ease, and because of that mix, they get premonitions. According to Aether’s knowledge, they are pretty vague, and it’s a lot of piecing things together, though it does get clearer the closer they are to the situation. It is also stressful for them, takes a lot out of them. A lot of the time, after a big vision, they have to sleep for a while. He wonders what kind of dread they all felt when they got the vision that the Emeritus brothers were going to die. It must have been horrible.
Swiss sighs, and Aether looks over at him again. He squeezes Aether’s hand gently. It’s hard to imagine this Swiss is the coy, silver-tongued ghoul he knows. He looks exposed and unsteady. Like he doesn’t really know where to put his feet. Aether can muster up nothing but sympathy.
"I like to pretend. That I don't love any of you as much as I actually do. Which, of course, doesn’t really work but it’s comforting in a way. Like if I lose any of you, it’ll be easy to just say "Oh well, that was fun. What a shame." I just can never remember to keep any of you at a distance. It doesn’t work the same way when I get attached and realize how in love I actually am. I don't think it ever could’ve worked out like that though."
"Oh, Swiss..." Aether stands upright again, uses the hand that’s still locked with Swiss’s to pull him away from the railing and into a hug. It's not bone-crushing, but it is tight. If it's uncomfortable, Swiss doesn’t say anything. He just melts into it, wrapping his arms around Aether’s neck and burying his face into Aether’s collarbones. Aether rests his head on top of Swiss', mindful of his horns, and closes his eyes. Their tails wrap together, and it truly feels peaceful. Like everything is okay. But Aether knows it’s not. He doesn’t really know how to help Swiss. This is far beyond "learning how to cope." This is something fundamental in Swiss’s core. He would have to learn how to unfeel what he did when Papa I, II, and III were about to die. Aether doesn’t think he can do that, doesn’t think he should. He figures he would feel the exact same way if he was a multi-ghoul. He feels lucky that Swiss has even opened up to them at all. He can’t imagine the fear that Swiss feels for Copia at all times. They’ve been together for almost… twenty years at this point, and if Sister Imperator and Nihil could take away Nihil’s own flesh and blood, what could they do to Copia? Aether has thought of this before but never let the thought grow past a distant worry. Swiss has been sitting on that for years at this point. And what’s worse is, sure, they could take Copia away, but he would know. Weeks beforehand. He would have to watch Copia’s death date arrive, and there would be nothing he could do about it.
Swiss untucks his head and looks up at Aether. "I don't know who I would be without him, Aether. Without any of you. I don't think I could go through something like that." There are undertones to that last sentence that Aether can’t unpack at this moment. Aether sighs softly and brings a hand up to tuck a stray loc away from Swiss's face. Swiss leans into his hand, so Aether keeps it there and runs a thumb over his cheek.
"I don't think there is anything I can say to help you, Swiss. I love you; we love you, but I can't guarantee your fears are unprecedented without lying. There is always a chance one of us will get sent back to the Pit, there’s always a chance that the Clergy could decide they’re done with C." Swiss’s eyebrows knit together but Aether thinks he expected that, probably just isn’t used to hearing it outloud. Even for the sake of Swiss's comfort, Aether would never lie to him about something like this. "You handle it better than I think most do though. I think it’s amazing that you’ve let us in at all. I know a lot of multi ghouls stick with each other and I can’t even blame them. I think you’re amazing. I guess… try to use your premonitions to your best ability? That's what I would do. You can't keep us, especially him, from dying. But if you know, you can make the most of the time you have left with him or us. There is also making the best out of the time you have now. None of us are going anywhere anytime soon, Swiss. You have open arms; they’re just waiting for you."
It’s a shitty answer, a shitty consolation. Aether knows this, feels ashamed that he can’t give Swiss anything better than that. Swiss doesn’t seem put out by his answer or anything, just gives him a weary smile.
"Thanks, Aether." It sounds like a mix between a genuine "thank you" and "thanks for trying." Aether will take it; maybe it resonates just a bit. Even a tiny amount is good with Aether. He obviously said something right because Swiss captures his lips in a soft but meaningful kiss. It's nothing like the two have ever shared before, and it’s wonderful. As corny as it sounds, it's like everything they couldn't or didn't say was wrapped up in one kiss. It’s a shame it’s over so quickly. Swiss is the first to pull away and rests his forehead against Aether’s.
They stand like that for a long time, wrapped in each other's arms. Swiss is warm and comfortable; the cold air doesn’t have such a strong bite as it normally does when Aether’s with him. Eventually, though, Swiss pulls away and looks at Aether.
"I think you should go back to bed."
"You’re not coming?"
Swiss looks away, considers his options. Aether knows he’s trying to decide whether or not to go climb into Copia’s bed. Eventually, it seems like he’s made up his mind. His eyes find their way back to Aether's, and he smiles softly.
"I'm gonna smoke one more. I'll be in shortly, yeah?"
Aether’s chest feels so warm and heavy that it could burst. He plants another kiss on Swiss’s lips and can’t keep the smile off his lips,
"Yeah," he says dumbly. Even to his own ears, he sounds like a lovestruck idiot. It makes Swiss’s smile grow, and even in the dark, Aether can see his cheeks flush, so he counts it as a win. Slowly, he pulls away from Swiss and it’s one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. Leaving his warmth, just him in general. But he understands that Swiss needs time to process, alone time. So he respects that and backs off. He lets himself back inside, shutting the glass door behind him gently. He treks through the living room, only turning back when he’s about to enter the hallway. Swiss is in the same position Aether found him in. He leans comfortably over the railing, a cigarette between his fingers. He can see the smoke that lazily wafts from the cigarette, only being disturbed when Swiss lifts it to inhale. Aether feels the wisp of a smile on his face and a stupid amount of warmth in his chest. It's crazy how much he loves that ghoul. Aether looks for one more moment before pulling his gaze away and returns to the bedroom. He opens the door, leaves it cracked for Swiss, and manages to get back into bed without tripping on anything or waking anyone up.
He's half asleep when he feels the press of a warm body on his back, and the smell of smoke mixed with sage fills his nose. Arms wrap around his torso, and another set of legs weave in between his. Aether sighs fondly, brings one of Swiss’s hands up to his mouth, and presses a kiss on his palm.
"I love you."
There is no hesitation, no uncertainty in his voice when he responds, "I love you too, Aether."