Chapter Text
Sam, Colby, and Nate made their way back to their rental car from the Ukranian catacombs. The sun was slowly setting, casting everything in a sherbet glow.
"Dude I'm pissed the Spirit Box is broken," Sam said.
"Maybe it was just freaking out. I mean, we were how many feet below ground?" Colby said.
"But it's never done that before," Sam said. "Like, literally every time you guys passed it to me, it just kept repeating 'omega, omega, omega'."
"Could've just been a glitch, maybe?" Colby offered.
"Uh, guys," Nate said, watching his boots as they hiked. He licked the bottom of his lip, dry and cracked from the heat. "I have a theory. I don't think it's broken either. I think a natural force was telling you what you are, Sam."
"Dude what does that even mean?" Sam asked, exasperated.
"I still don't even know what 'omega' means," Colby said with a chuckle.
"There's this ancient wisdom that there's a natural order," Nate said. "Everyone is one of three types. And one of those types is omega."
Sam groaned. "Dude, Nate, no offense, but we've just been filming for like 10 hours in what's definitely like the most dangerous location. You gotta cut the poetry yogi stuff."
Nate was quiet for a moment. "I'm worried about offending you," Nate said.
"Why?" Colby asked. "Is 'omega' something bad?"
"Just tell me," Sam said. "I'm gonna google it at the hotel anyway."
Nate chuckled. "Ah, you might have trouble googling it. So you guys know how there's an alpha dog, right?"
"Yeah and betas," Colby said, then his eyes widened, hearing what he just said. "Whooa, wait. Alpha, beta, omega."
Nate looked at him and nodded. "Well some ancient cultures believe that's not just for dogs. People can be alpha, beta, or omega too."
"I think I've heard about this," Colby said. "Like alpha males run the pack. Beta males are trying really hard to be an alpha male. And then 'omega' or whatever is just... doing its own thing. Like a loner."
"Well, see, the ancients would've disagreed with you there," Nate explained. "Alpha males lead the pack; they... well, to put it simply, the alphas fuck everyone." Colby laughed at that. "The betas fuck around a bit. And the omegas... well, somebody's gotta carry on the lineage."
"So the omegas just do nothing?" Sam asked.
"No, the omegas..." Nate struggled for the right word. "Get knocked up."
Colby sneered. "So an omega male is just... a girl?"
"The Spirit Box was calling me a fucking girl?" Sam asked.
Nate sighed. "No, there's females, too. Female alphas, et cetera. It's not just biology, though. Alphas have this natural leadership, this charismatic magnetism... plus the primal urge to breed, especially during certain times, where they just need to fuck everything: beta, omega, male, female, doesn't matter." Colby listened to Nate quietly. "Betas are just kind of the filler males -- they fuck, but not obsessively, and they might get fucked, too, but they can't get pregnant."
"I don't like where this is going," groaned Sam.
"Omega males... they... receive the other males."
"How the fuck do they get pregnant, though?" Colby asked, flabbergasted.
"Omegas have a dick. But no balls. Instead, they have a uterus. And this thing called a 'cloaca'."
"A-what-ache-a?" Colby asked, laughing. "Dude, you're just making this up now."
"So an ancient dead person got on the Spirit Box to call me a castrated guy who can get pregnant?"
Nate shook his head. "I shouldn't have said anything," he muttered.
It was a quiet ride in the rental car, and the train ride started off even quieter. That is, until Colby discovered there was an open bar in one of the train cars. Sam, who'd been nearly silent for hours, begrudgingly gave his drink order to Colby. Colby was a bit concerned with a lightweight like Sam drinking a double vodka cranberry, but didn't want to further upset his best friend. After Sam's second double, he was sloshed.
"Guys, I have to tell you something," Sam said, slurring his words a bit. "I actually was born with no testicles."
Nate's eyes widened. Colby laughed. "Shut up, dude," Colby said. "I've literally seen you naked, you have testicles."
"They're fake," Sam said. "Implants."
"I don't believe this," Colby said, shaking his head and turning to enjoy the view out the window.
"So it was right," Sam said, smiling and shrugging. "I'm an omega."
"Sam, I have a really important question," Nate said, leaned forward. "Every once in a while, omegas go into 'heat'. Like they just wanna be fucked so badly for like a week."
Sam chuckled. "I have a dildo in my bag."
"Bullshit," Colby said.
Nate clasped his hands in front of his face. "Colby, I have a question for you now."
"I'm not an omega," Colby said, shaking his head, bringing his drink to his lips, and turning to look out the window.
"Actually, I was thinking alpha."
Colby turned back, his eyes squinting at Nate. "I'm listening."
"This is a weird question to ask my friend... but does your... penis... have, like, a bulbous part at the bottom of it?"
"It does," Sam answered for him immediately, pointing and nearly falling out of his seat.
"No," Colby said, "It's-- it's just kinda thick at the bottom."
"Dude it's a fucking bulb just like he said," Sam slurred.
"That's the sign of an alpha," Nate said breathlessly.
Colby's eyes darted back and forth. Then he smirked, leaned back, and wrapped his arms around the top of the seat. "Go on. Tell me more."
"Well, like I said, they're very charismatic. People are drawn to them. They are leaders. No one ever questions their dominance. And they are sort of the opposite of omegas. Instead of going into heat, they have 'ruts'."
Colby took a slow sip of his drink. "I think I'm in a rut."
Sam slurred, "He's constantly going to the bathroom to jerk off."
"Sam, what the fuck?" Colby snapped.
"Wait," Sam said. "If I'm an omega and Colby's an alpha..."
Nate smiled and hung his head. "I'm the beta."
"And that means Colby fucks us," Sam added.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Colby said.
"I'm not sure about that," said Nate.
"Colby, you know I love you," Sam said, flinging an arm in Colby's general direction. "If you ever need to blow your 'rut' in my 'cloak' or whatever, I'd be--" He hiccuped. "--honored."
Colby reached forward and plucked Sam's drink from his hand. "Aaaand that's enough for Sam," he said.