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Torn at the seams. Lain across gravel,cold air ambushing beneath frail fabric. Atsushi's breath seems to be taken by some unknown source who wants him dead. Chest closing, walls feel thicker even in the outside breeze. How can someone so hollow feel something so burdening?
The task of being alive leaves one begging to die. They say dying is hard, but to live is harder, yet at this point, Atsushi doubts it. Dying isn't as easy as one two. Even the times Atsushi puts himself in situations where he should be dead, there's the flash of meaning before he faints. The realization that everything he's ever done will end. Why did he try so hard to stay alive if he was just going to die like that? The torture endured as a child, what was that all for? If he was going to die a meaningless death, he might as well just be killed for a greater cause. Breath ragged, knuckles sore and bleeding from pounding the gravel until he couldn't feel it anymore. Dusted hands, crimson dripping into nearby puddles.
Throat hoarse from screaming into nothing. How can one who means nothing redeem themselves when there's nothing they can prove? Echoing echoing, meaningless life sought to live for what reason? What reason is there for scum to deserve living? Throbbing headache pierces through his soul, hands twitching as he grows more numb to the water drops beating on his face. He can't remember if the soreness of his face is due to crying or to banging it on the ground, and at this point he doesn't care. The silence of the night causes a high pitched ringing. It is only mildly annoying compared to the pain he feels living. The only thoughts are to hope for a meteor to hit exactly where he lays. For the suffering to be over. For his life to have meaning or to not. It doesn't matter anymore. Sloshing footsteps patter in the distance but he can barely hear them. He hardly processes the two hands pulling him up by his collar.
"Weretiger!!" Akutagawa yells, lifting him up from the ground.
"You idiot! What are you doing!?" Atsushi can't process the voice's anger at him, or why he would be angry. "Huhh?" "What in god's name happened to your hands?" Akutagawa held tightly the palms that were battered with bruises. Atsushi couldn't feel it. Feel that he was there.
"Weretiger. Are you hearing me?"
He cups his face in his hands, seeing only dull eyes in response. "Bloody hell."
Akutagawa pulls him up from the ground, hoisting him against the wall. With rashamon summoned, the tendrils wrap around Atsushi to carry him just above ground. Akutagawa sighs, as he checks his condition. Noting his bleeding knuckles, he runs a finger across, feeling the braised bumps. Something of relief, of hatred, of boiling selfishness waves over him. The man ends his investigation to take him to his place.
- Warm.
Atsushi wakes up on a warm sofa, feeling a soft blanket atop him. His head is pounding, cracking his brain in half. When he lifts to feel his head, he realizes there are bandages on his hands. He wasn't frightened, maybe just confused. However, he knew the familiar smell of Akutagawa all too well. Looking around he notes the man's decor. Melting candles, and sharp accents. Monochrome with the occasional tint of red. How this was comforting to him, he would never know. Upon even trying to recall what happened, his headache gets worse and he needs to lay down. "Weretiger." The same old tune he heard before. Akutagawa stands ahead of the sofa, Rashamon carrying a tray of two cups, and another warm blanket.
"It's about time you decided to wake up." His cutting voice never changed.
"Hah, I don't control it-" Atsushi rubbed his head awkwardly, forgetting about the awful pain he feels. "uh what happened?"
Akutagawas eyes changed, as if they were full of a powerful force now. Setting down his supplies on the table, he walks towards the man, leaning above him.
"You're extremely idiotic." The space between them closed, a soft kiss placed upon lips. The tiger, astounded by the sudden gesture, moves as much as he can back. Noticing his shift, the man stood back up, stifling a cough with his hand.
"You were laid upon the ground. Your hands were bloodied. You kept repeating how you should've died." Atsushi felt distraught, as he slowly remembered all the things he did before he was brought here. "...you helped me?" Akutagawa had that same conviction in his eyes as before.
"What do you take me for? A fool who will let someone as stupid as you kill themselves just to prove the world something?" Atsushi was taken aback by his harsh wording, but after giving it thought, he's right. It was stupid.
"Everything in life is yours, because it came to you. However it was meant to be is here. You must accept it as it is. Take your pain and grow from it. Stop thinking of only yourself for once, and live."
Atsushi couldn't meet his eyes. Gazing at his own two bandaged hands, he took every word to heart. Akutagawa isn't the softest when it comes to his wording, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't have a point. Everyone around him suffers as he does. He always wondered, why to keep going. However the answer may just be there. To see what comes next. How his life will change. He never knew he would be here if you were to ask him years ago. Atsushi grew up with many attempts to die. First by others hand, then by his. However, even when he got so close, it felt so impossible. Even though everything was there for him. He sees it now. It's because truly, he wants to live. He wants to be here. It wasn't long until choked up words bubbled their way out to glistening tears. His hands went to wipe the tears away, yet they keep coming. Softly, he feels a glove reach up to hold his cheek, wiping away the tears with his thumb. It was a type of tenderness he hadn't felt before.
Is this what it feels like, to live? Atsushi took Akutagawas hand, and pressed it to his forehead, unable to control his sobbing.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I messed up I'm sorry."
Akutagawa didn't know what he should do in this situation, but he did what he felt is right.
"Atsushi."
His unoccupied hand went to pet the soft locks of hair that come undone.n
"As much as it pains me to say this, you shine like no other. You deserve to live as much as any other scumbag on earth. And hilariously enough, you're not even close to scum." Warm hands comfort the broken soul beneath him. He decided to take both of his hands into his as he looked into his eyes.
"You're perfect. Keep living. Don't think about trying this again. Because I will always find you."
Atsushi couldn't help but laugh at how polite he was being, even through choked sobs. It was unheard of, Akutagawa being this close to him, comforting him as if he was the only thing that mattered. It didn't make sense to him before how harsh he was on him. Though now, he understands. It's not because he wants him gone, it's because he doesn't want to lose him no matter what. A strange feeling overtook him. Leaning closer, he initiated a kiss this time. The feeling to be close to him. To be cherished by him. To become a better person for him. These are the feelings that overtook him as they kissed.
With every moment, another passes, it gets hard to continue in the present. Though, there are times you realize it will get better. When the flowers bloom.