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Sirius faced the door of the Prefect’s bathroom. He didn’t like the Prefect’s bathroom on principle. To him it made very little sense why the sods needed their own bathroom to adequately perform their duties of squealing on any student who dared to have fun between classes. His view of the position had softened over the years, but his disdain for the bathroom held steady. The fact, however, remained that it made for a convenient rendezvous point.
He checked his watch, left to him by his Uncle Alphy in his will just a few months prior. It was early, but he figured he might as well wait inside. It made more sense for him and Remus not to be seen walking in together.
“Wintermints,” he muttered the password Moony had given to him. He heard the click of the lock and opened the door.
As he walked in he heard coughing and a frantic scramble to the toilet handle followed by a flush. He quickly looked around to see the source of the noise and noticed one of the stalls was closed.
Right, of course someone had forgotten to lock up from the inside.
Assuming it was some younger prefect who’d had a few too many he walked forward, “err, hey one of the other prefects sent me to check on you-“ he lied, hoping his voice wasn’t recognizable. “Everything alright?” He peered at the closed bathroom stall and knocked.
Lily froze. What was Sirius doing in here? Hadn’t she locked the door?
She cleared her throat but as she spoke, her voice was shaky and hoarse, “you’re not supposed to be in here, Black.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow, “Evans?”
He was met with silence. The air in the bathroom smelled slightly acidic, though whatever the aroma was was quickly retreating. It tickled his sensitive nose making him grimace before it dissipated.
“Are you ill?” He tried again. “I can grab James if you’re-”
“No!” Lily rasped out in response. She racked her brain for some way of explaining the situation and getting Sirius out of a bathroom he had no business being in, “why are you in here? You’re not allowed!”
She was prepared to double down before another hacking cough stopped her. Her eyes watered as she tried to calm her irritated throat. She pawed around the floor to find her wand, hoping she could conjure some water, but found that she must have left her bag by the sink.
Sirius rolled his eyes. Why his mate had chosen the most stubborn girl attending Hogwarts to date was beyond him. He wondered if he should just wait for Remus to pop in. He always had better luck with birds, specifically, Lily. But then, he didn’t relish the idea of waiting in silence when she was obviously sick. He changed tactics.
“I’d intended to smoke a joint in here so I’ll just leave you to it. Ralph away, I’ll hum to myself and pretend I don’t hear it,” he feigned nonchalance and flicked his lighter a few times.
Lily paled, if another prefect, or worse, a head boy or girl, walked in and smelled weed while she was in the room there’d be hell to pay. “Sirius don’t…” she croaked, flicking the lock on the stall. As it creaked open to reveal her puffy red face and bloodshot eyes, she gestured towards the exterior door, “and lock that,” she croaked.
“Right,” Sirius’s expression had mollified after seeing Lily’s face and he locked the door with a flick of his wand. He examined his friend, whose legs were curled beneath her as she rested one arm on the toilet seat. Her knuckles looked scratched up. Despite her bedraggled appearance, she seemed nonplussed, as if this was routine. It clicked immediately and he frowned: her odd behavior, the frequent bathroom trips…
“Does James know about all this then?” He asked flatly.
Lily looked severe, “know about what? That I ate something dodgy and I got ill?”
He took a deep breath and sat down on the cool tiles of the bathroom, leveling his eyes with hers, “I’m not dense, Lily.”
Lily looked away from Sirius’s cold gray eyes, hoping if she just ignored him, her boyfriend’s contemptuous friend would go away.
He doubled down, not one to be ignored, “You’re making yourself sick. I’m going to ask again now, does James know? Better, does anyone?"
Lily felt her pulse thud in her ears. She did not need a scolding from Black of all people. Her throat ached and all she wanted was a glass of water, a toothbrush, and a nap.
As if reading her mind, Sirius summoned a glass and filled it. He pushed it towards her, “c’mon Evans,” he goaded, “I’m asking because I do consider you a friend. All of us do and none of us want to see this”
Lily took a long sip and cleared her throat. She wiped the water from her eyes and took a few deep breaths, aware that she still likely looked like she’d been pummeled by a Hippogriff.
“He doesn’t need to. It’s under control,” she responded in a measured tone, “I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell him.”
It was at this moment Lily considered the ethics of a memory charm. She wasn’t sure she could accomplish it without harming Sirius, damaging his brain more than it already had been with the weed and the booze and Merlin knew what else.
Sirius could help but feel an anger bubbling inside his chest, but he kept his voice as even as possible, “under control, yeah?”
Lily nodded.
Sirius sighed and scrubbed his face, closing his eyes for a beat, “when did you start?”
She blinked at him, feeling more than a little righteously annoyed at Sirius, of all people, lecturing her. She’d almost wished it had been James who’d walked in. She doubted James would have clocked what she was doing so quickly. The fact Sirius had guessed immediately was appalling and a little offensive. That he was so willing to believe she would do this to herself. Truth withstanding, it wasn’t exactly a vote of confidence.
“We’re not doing this,” she replied through gritted teeth.
He didn’t respond. Just stared. He could wait this out. Remus wouldn’t be able to come in with the door locked from the inside but he’d understand. He’d figure something out to tell him later if he decided to keep Evans’s secret, which was by no means a foregone conclusion. He needed more information and he was going to get it.
Lily’s resolve was quickly fading as Sirius set his hard gaze on her. It was eerie and she guessed it was some sick inheritance he’d gotten from his strange family. The ability to wear down on another’s resolve with only one’s eyes.
“Fifth year. On and off though.”
“But more regularly now?” He asked, gaze still fixed, remembering how strangely she’d been acting around meal time for at least the past few months.
Slowly, she nodded.
“How often?” his voice was gentler now.
“Sirius, I said we’re not doing this!” she hissed, “you’re not my keeper!” She’d spoken with more venom this time. He was grating on her nerves and the memory charm was looking more seductive as the moments went on.
Sirius bit his cheek and let out a breath, “He’s noticed, you know,” he remarked. “He’s noticed that you’re looking sickly. I don’t think any of us would have guessed this, but he has noticed! He thinks you’re just stressed, Evans!” Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, all he’d wanted was a nice night in, maybe a bath.
“I am stressed!” she quickly bit back as she let out another cough, one that turned to gags. She needed to get the acrid taste of vomit out of her mouth.
Sirius didn’t say anything, just put his hand on Lily’s shoulder and patted it as she tried to clear her throat. He did his best to keep his face neutral, but it was hard not to wince.
They sat in silence for a beat before Lily uttered “thanks” in a small voice. Sirius gave a small nod in response.
“I’m serious,” she explained, “and don’t you dare make a joke,” Lily gave him a hard glance as he readied himself to say something.
“I’m working on this and it’s under control. It’s not anyone’s concern and I don’t want to bother James about it. I couldn’t cope. It’s embarrassing,” s he had rushed the words out, almost out of breath. Lily felt cornered.
“But not embarrassing enough to stop,” Sirius groused.
She didn’t respond to that.
Sirius felt his shoulders tense and grit his teeth, “and you’re supposed to be the clever one,” he muttered darkly.
Lily scowled at the statement.
“Lily, if you find this embarrassing but you’re still doing it that signals to me it is not under control,” Sirius tried to reason, scooting himself closer to her and resting a hand on her knee.
“Well I didn’t ask you, did I?”
“No, obviously you haven’t consulted with anyone on this little problem of yours, have you?” Sirius batted back.
“It’s no one’s business but mine,” Lily stated.
He felt heat creep up the back of his neck as his irritation became harder to ignore, “ What kind of fucked up logic is that, that it’s only your concern? That this only affects you? How’s James going to like snogging you when your breath is rancid no matter how hard you brush? I guess it’s no one’s issue but your own when your back teeth start to rot and you have to go to a muggle dentist to fix it. You know there aren’t wizard dentists? Go ahead and learn that the hard way, why don’t you? It’ll be easier I guess, you won’t have to sneak to Gringotts and figure out the exchange rate. It’s only your problem when your cheeks swell up like a chipmunk’s and eating anything but pudding feels like tiny daggers are poking at your throat? That’ll be a fun family dinner, let me tell you.”
Sirius knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should stop but he couldn’t and the words kept pouring out, “I guess it only affects you if your heart races every time you stand and your poor boyfriend won’t be able to go on strolls with you to the quidditch pitch, that he’ll wonder what’s going on and why he’s powerless to stop it. I’m sure he won’t notice when the blood vessels by your eyes burst from the strain and you have tiny dots all over your cheeks. I’m sure he won’t worry you have Dragon Pox. But no! Bloody go ahead! It’s none of my concern and I couldn’t possible know what I’m talking about. I couldn’t possibly know where this road leads.”
Lily’s expression remained blank, but his words were sharp and specific. She wondered how he’d managed, in so much detail, to tear away at her reasoning so quickly. The recognition dawned on her slowly, then all at once, “you?”
She didn’t know how to finish the question.
“Listen Evans,” Sirius said quietly, “I’m not getting on you for doing this. I know it’s not an easy thing to stop.” He swallowed hard and continued, “but you need to talk to someone about it. It’s not something you’re going to fix on your own.”
Lily pushed herself upright, arms no longer perched on the toilet seat, “just please don’t tell James. I really don’t want him knowing this. He won’t get it.”
Sirius shrugged, “he might surprise you.”
“I’m just asking, Black,” she cleared her throat, “as a friend. He’s got enough on his plate… quidditch and NEWTS and all.”
Sirius frowned, “he’s mad about you Lily. He’d do anything to help.”
“I know,” she whispered.
“You don’t want that though?” Sirius mused.
Lily shook her head.
“You just want to stay sick? Keep doing this?”
She shook her head again.
Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, out of his depth. Not because he didn’t understand, rather that he understood too well. He couldn’t help but remember the relief that came with an emptied stomach. The thought made his teeth ache and he turned his head from Lily, looking around the bathroom. Not for or at anything in particular other than maybe the next thing to say.
“So it’s more now?” He finally decided to probe further. As he did, he picked at some stubble underneath his jaw, resigned to have this conversation despite his own discomfort, “what changed?”
“I dunno,” Lily admitted and, upon seeing the inklings of doubt painted on her friend’s face, she continued, “no really I’m not sure. I’ve been stressed, but I’ve been stressed before. This has always just sort of come and gone,” she explained.
Sirius nodded, “what are you trying to accomplish?” He felt a pang of unease in the pit of his own stomach. How many times had he asked himself the same question?
“I said I don’t know!” she countered, feeling the sting of tears beginning to form in her eyes.
He crumpled slightly at her response. Maybe he’d pushed too hard.
“Can you try?” he asked softly.
“Try what,” Lily pouted as she felt the tears that had formed slowly trickle down her cheeks, no doubt making her eyes redder than they already had been.
“Try to figure out what the goal here is. It might help you to figure out the best way to stop.” Sirius looked down at his hand that was still on Lily’s knee and settled it back at his side, giving her space.
“You err,” he scratched the back of his head, “it doesn’t have to be me you talk to. But figuring that out might help, even if it’s just for yourself. I- uh- I won’t tell James, not yet at least, but can you promise me you’ll talk to someone about this?” he felt a wave of exhaustion hit and rubbed the side of his neck. After a beat, he made the move to get up, putting his arm against the wall of the stall to hoist himself up.
“Wait,” Lily said, not a demand but a request.
Sirius paused, half standing, and looked at her expectantly.
“What if the goal is to be thin? What if I’m not complicated or interesting, just another girl trying to be skinnier?” Lily, asked, the words rushing out as she felt pangs of shame settle in her gut.
Sirius slowly lowered back down, tucking his legs under him, “then you deal with that. You figure out how to try and make that less important to you. You reflect on the more important things and you work at it. Problems don’t need to be interesting to be problems,” he sighed, “That said, Lily, I highly doubt that’s 100% of it. It rarely is.”
Liy picked at the skin around her fingernails, not able to meet Sirius’s gaze. He was right of course. It never had been just about weight, which was something she knew. She was so obsessed with her own inner life and she’d always generally known what it was about. Self awareness wasn’t a panacea.
“Petunia’s getting married,” she admitted, still looking at her hands.
Sirius furrowed his brow, “I see…” he tried to make whatever connection Lily was drawing here but was at a loss, “and that stresses you out?”
“Well, yeah, of course it does,” Lily sighed, “but it’s not… it’s not like it’s about looking thin for the wedding. I don’t think so at least, maybe that’s what I tell myself but it’s not,” she huffed, “it’s that Petunia’s getting married and I’m her maid of honor and she hates me. It’s that I can’t do anything about that. I’ve tried Sirius! Merlin, I’ve tried,” she rasped out, her throat still irritated.
“It’s Severus, and don’t you dare say anything! You asked,” she threatened apparently without cause as her friend sat still rapt with attention. “It’s that we were so close and he’s gone down this path… this…” Lily felt tears sting her eyes again, “this awful path and I know it’s not my fault and I don’t feel bad for keeping my distance but we were friends and I can’t do anything. All I can do is watch!”
The words tumbled out of her. “It’s- it’s that no matter how good my grades are I cannot even approach the charms and transfiguration abilities of you lot and I know it’s idiotic to compare, but it’s frustrating and you know what I’m talking about. I could never do that! I feel like I’m just a person that things happen to, that things happen around and I just pick up the pieces and I-” she blew out a huff of air, “I don’t know, maybe this is a thing I make happen, that I control.”
Sirius reflected on Lily’s words, which hit uncomfortably close to home.
“I know… it’s mental.”
Sirius shrugged, “doesn’t sound mental. It sounds reasonable. Not healthy, misguided, but reasonable. There’s an internal logic. What do I know, though? I’m not unbiased in this,” he admitted.
He swallowed hard and ran his fingers across his jaw, massaging where it had been tensed, “I can say that isolating yourself, keeping your struggles a secret is only going to make it worse- that feeling of being a person that things just happen to, that feeling of powerlessness. You feel a lot less powerless if you have some friends on your side… corny I know. Downright trite, but it is true.”
Lily gave him a small smile, “I never expected to hear feel-good cliches coming from the likes of you,” she made the move to get up, stretching her arms and back as she used pulled herself to standing.
Sirius stood as well, “don’t get used to it, I’m rubbish at them. Got more of a knack for turn of phrase,” he responded casually, moving out of Lily’s path so she could freshen up by the sinks.
“Got anything pithy to say then Black?” She asked as she muttered a charm to combat the redness in her eyes and used her fingers to wipe off where her mascara had bled.
Sirius thought for a bit before retorting, “feeling in control in the face of entropy requires delusion… which is always better with company.”
“So the same thing but more convoluted?”
“Precisely!”
Lily shook her head and grabbed a couple lifesavers she’d had in her robes and a fond memory came to her, “come here for a moment,” she demanded.
“What? Going to slap me?” Sirius looked amused but puzzled.
“No, just come here! And take this mint, do you know this trick?” she asked as she handed him her extra lifesaver, “don’t put it in your mouth yet,” she said quickly, “do wizards know about this, do you even have lifesavers?”
Sirius stared at the candy and scratched his head, “I mean I’ve seen them, but I have no earthly idea what you’re playing at here.”
“Splendid!” she clapped and grabbed her wand, “ Nox,” she enunciated right before popping the lifesaver in her mouth.
“Lily, what exactly are you doing?”
“Look here, look at me,” she said in a garbled tone as the lifesaver was precariously perched on her tongue.
Sirius did and was about to request a better explanation as to why his mate’s girlfriend turned off all the lights and demanded he face her, when Lily crushed the mint with her mouth and he saw blue wisps of light coming from her mouth.
“What?” he puzzled, “that’s a muggle candy right?”
“Mhmm”
“So how?”
“Triboluminescence”
“Excuse me? Tribo- you’re making things up! You charmed something!”
“No really try!” Lily exclaimed, “face the mirror. I’m dead serious.”
Suspicious, Sirius turned to where he knew the mirror was, but could barely see and unwrapped the package.
“Crush it with your teeth and keep your mouth open,” she explained.
“Lily, this is not what people typically do in the dark, you know?” He said, lifesaver between his teeth.
“Mind out of the gutter, Black! I’m lightening the mood!” She scolded.
“Fine,” he relented and crushed the candy between his teeth and saw the blue wisps again, “woahhh,” he bit down a few more times before the wisps subsided.
Lily looked pleased with herself as she turned the lights back on. Sirius’s face was still painted with shock, “what is that?”
“Like I said! Triboluminescence, when friction creates light. The flavoring in it makes it brighter, something to do with electrons. I knew more when I was a more precocious child, Petunia and I used to try to get the brightest spark when we went camping,” she remembered those trips fondly, before her acceptance letter had made a mess of their relationship.
“Really, Petunia?” Sirius asked, “I take it you were closer then?”
Lily nodded, “she actually was the one who showed me. She learned about it in grade 5 science I think.”
“Ah yes, science, ” he pronounced, deciding an in-depth discussion of their respective sibling dynamics would be too much for the evening, “muggle magic.”
Lily huffed and feigned annoyance, “I never understood why wizards completely disregard it. It would be so interesting, science and magic studied in tandem.”
Sirius shook his head, “you should talk to Remus about all that, I’m sure he’d agree. Honestly, if you haven’t already, you should show him that little trick, he’ll be absolutely chuffed,” Sirius smiled, imagining Remus’s face lit up with curiosity at the wisps of blue. The thought reminded him of why he’d come to the bathroom to begin with, “oh! Speaking of, I believe I’m currently standing the poor sod up, I really should get going.”
Lily checked her watch, “oh you’re right I’m sorry for keeping you from your date… uh thanks,” she said awkwardly.
“Of course, just promise I’m not the only person you talk to about this, right? Like I said, I won’t tell anyone at the moment… don’t make me regret that!” Sirius turned to walk out, dreaming up a good excuse for Remus.
“Hey, wait, one more thing?” Lily bit her lip, wondering if she should even ask.
Sirius turned and cocked his head, “yeah?”
“Umm so you also-” she wasn’t sure how to finish the question.
“Oh.. yeah I did. Thought I'd implied that,” his expression darkened slightly.
“But not anymore?”
Sirius shook his head, “nah, not for a while now,” he gave a small smile, “it gets easier, just have to work at it.”
Lily returned a smile and waved him off, “noted... err thanks again!”
“Don’t mention it,” he remarked as he turned to the door again, waving his hand as he unlocked the door, “thanks for the mint!”