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Jay was never one to harbor hard feelings, really.
He was easy to tease, he gave up way too easily and accepted apologies even faster.
So yeah, it was in full-on Jay fashion to let the kids, (Sunoo, Jungwon, and Niki) tease him to no end.
He was sweet and considered like that.
Enter Lee Heeseung.
Jay had always kept Heeseung up on the highest pedestal, he was his biggest inspiration, his teacher, his muse, his lover and so many of his firsts.
They had known each other for more than 5 years now and they had been there for each other during their tough times. As Jay was there for Heeseung when he couldn’t make his debut as a TXT member, Heeseung had been there for Jay when he placed last during the infamous I-LAND test.
And Heeseung was everything Jay liked in a man. Skinny, very much gay, insanely talented, and charming (maybe also someone who could fuck him good).
So, it was only natural for their relationship to just grow from that, they were inseparable, or, at least, Jay would have gladly kissed the ground Heeseung walked on, would’ve bled himself dry for Heeseung over and over again.
He was enamored like that.
It was easy for them to fall on Heeseung’s bed when the dorm was silent, mouths pressing on burning skin, marks left on collarbones and hips, limbs tangled together, Jay loved that he could never tell where his end was and where Heeseung’s body began.
He was in love like that.
But Heeseung wasn’t.
It was clear as day, to everyone but Jay. Heeseung only had eyes for a few things, with League of Legends and Jake being at the top of the list.
Jay was something no one knew anything about, no one knew about all the times Jay has snuck into Heeseung’s bed just to feel loved for a little while, no one knew that Jay had everything about Heeseung memorized, all the needed ‘Heeseung’s information’ stored in a special place inside Jay’s mind.
If Jay were to put into words whatever he felt for Heeseung, he would’ve said that he always felt like he had a fire burning him from the inside, leaving him feeling numb. Every moment he shared with Heeseung felt like an electric shock, something inside of him always hurt, but at the end of the day, it was the kind of pain that he liked. Heeseung was the drug Jay just couldn’t quit, even though he tried, there was no way Jay could ever go on a day without Heeseung’s hands on his body.
He hated himself like that.
But could you even blame him? Heeseung really had a way with his words, with his hands and Jay was just a guy, a really gay guy. It was no wonder he actually did fell for him.
Sunghoon, on the other hand, was everything Heeseung was not.
He was nice, even too nice at times, he was the kind of guy you want to bring home to your parents, the guy with the perfect face, perfect body, always funny, always ready to learn new things, always kind and sweet.
He was better than Heeseung in so many ways, like how Sunghoon liked to take such good care of his body, always hitting the gym, while Heeseung never really cared about it, he had this lean and skinny figure that, even though Jay fancied, was the embodiment of all the time Heeseung spent in the gym (0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds).
Jay had always been a little bit jealous of Sunghoon.
He would’ve rather died than actually admit that he was oh, so envious of Sunghoon’s witty sense of humor, of the way his jeans always hugged his legs so nicely, of his toned arms, of the moles scattered on his nose. It’s not like he hated Sunghoon anyways, he just sometimes wished he was a tad more like him in, well, let’s say almost everything.
Lately, Sunghoon had been even more confident than usual, wrapping up a successful year of MCing with probably the prettiest girl in the whole world, he never failed to remember the others (mostly Jungwon and Niki) on how he even got her number. Jay would always fail to notice the way Sunghoon would always turn around to look at him waiting for a reaction, anything.
-
After the few days of holiday they had after the end of the first leg of the tour, Jay was surprisingly happy to be finally at the dorm, he was sure no one was home other than Heeseung, it was a usual routine for them anyway, they would just have fun for a few hours before the others got home too.
He unlocked the door, made sure to make himself heard, stomped his shoes in the lobby (who knows what Heeseung was up to while no one else was home), and yelled his usual “I am home”, ready to hear Heeseung’s, as well usual, “Come in”.
But there was no response.
Maybe Heeseung was asleep, or maybe he was playing LoL again, that’s why he couldn’t hear Jay even after all the signs he had given him.
Nothing could’ve ever prepared for what was waiting for him behind the door of Heeseung’s room. An image that Jay probably will never forget, that will always be burned in his brain whenever he looks into Heeseung’s eyes.
As Jay opened the slightly ajar door, he saw them.
He saw Jake on Heeseung’s lap, their bare chests pressed together, lips glued together. He was frozen in place. Neither two of the members seemed to notice his presence until he let his backpack fall on the ground, a loud thump echoing in the bedroom. Silence. The only thing Jay could hear was the blood rushing to his ears and somewhere in the distance the loud breathing of his group mates, who were only now noticing him.
With the force, Jake’s head had snapped towards him and the way his eyes had become the widest he had ever seen them, Jay actually got worried for a second before closing his own eyes.
Jay ran out of the room, not even trying to be quiet anymore. His cheeks were wet when he pressed his hands on his face. When did he even start crying? He was pissed. He was hurt. What was Heeseung thinking? Technically, he had never asked Jay to be his boyfriend but they had something going on, didn’t they? Fuckbuddies, whatever, it was something. Jay was in love with him. He shut the door of his room close.
“Jay, wait,” Heeseung shouted from the other side of the door, “Jake, wait a second. Oh, God, please Jake don’t cry. Jay, please open the door, please let me explain at least.”
-
After what to Jay felt like days, he heard the front door opening. Finally, the others were home.
The only thing he could hear for a while were people (Heeseung and Jungwon, his brain suggested) shouting and then a bang on his door and Jungwon asking Jay to please let him in. He could also hear Jungwon and Heeseung arguing on the other side of the door.
“Dude, please let me get in, don’t you think you already did enough, you’re really fucking dense sometimes,” Jungwon grunted as he reached for the door again.
“Language, Jungwon and you don’t know what’s going on here, so please can you just go to your room.” Jay could hear Heeseung sighing.
“I know enough to tell you to fuck off and leave him alone. You’re so annoying is insane, go fuck Jake or something,” Jungwon almost shouted, “Jay, please. It’s Jungwon, let me in.” Of course, he had opened the door at the words, an arm extending to pull Jungwon in by the hoodie.
“Jay, please!” Heeseung tried to say.
“What the hell is wrong with you today? Can you even hear me?” Jungwon was so mad he could’ve thrown a punch at Heeseung. He then whispered, still loud enough for Heeseung to hear him, “It’s not like you’ve ever listened to me anyways.”
As soon as Jay saw Jungwon’s figure on his doorframe, he could feel his heart breaking, tears starting to stream down his face again, God, he was so miserable.
Jungwon was Jay’s best friend. He could never hide anything from him, he could always read Jay like an open book.
If Jay had to be honest, Jungwon had always been way too mature for his age, Jay used to be scared shitless. He used to be so worried about all the burdens the younger had to carry on his shoulders, all the responsibilities, all the scolding, all the pressure. He loved Jungwon, like a brother, like a son, and everyone could see it.
No one was ever surprised to see Jay trying to cook new recipes just to see Jungwon smile a little, even if it meant hearing the younger boy’s sneaky remarks on how cheesy Jay was and on how the curry Jay had made wasn’t even in the top three of his "best curries I have ever eaten" tier list.
Jay knew he meant nothing by what he said. He could see the blush on his cheeks, the same cheeks that were always full of food he was sure Jungwon could barely breathe. The way Jungwon always stayed behind to help with the dishes, the way he held Jay’s hand and squeezed lightly, that was the only answer Jay cared about.
But, even if he had noticed all of this, no one had to know, not even Jungwon.
So, of course, just the sight of him so worried about Jay, pretty eyebrows knitted together, a stern look on his face, could have him crying like a kid. All the strength left his body as he felt Jungwon’s arms wrapping around him, one of his hands placed at the top of Jay’s head. He was safe.
-
It was the day after that he heard the first knock on the door.
“Jay, can we talk for a second?” Sunghoon asked, waiting by the door.
News spread fast inside their dorms; Jay sighed.
“I just want to make sure you’re feeling okay and that you’re not blaming yourself for what happened. I know you, Jay. I just want to make sure you’re not being too hard on yourself right now.” Sunghoon continued.
How could he forget how thoughtful Sunghoon had always been when it came to him? Jay knew it was no use pushing him away and maybe he could use a friend (who wasn’t biased like Jungwon), to help him clear his mind.
“Yes, you can come in.”
The door opened and Sunghoon’s face peeked from behind. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel forced to talk to me or anything, you’re free to kick me out whenever you want.”
Jay hated the sad look on Sunghoon’s face. He hated himself for always making other people worry.
“I know everything already, you don’t have to explain anything to me, I just want to lend an ear and maybe a hug. You have to give me everything back later though.”
He smiled.
Jay liked Sunghoon.
“I just … am I even deserving of love, Sunghoon? Do people want me just so I can warm their bed for the night and then I have to watch them as they fuck someone else? That’s what everybody always seems to want from me. Because that’s what I am best at. Sucking cock and getting fucked. What if Heeseung was right all along and one day everyone will just get tired of me, what if everyone in the group just gets so done with me, so fed up, I have no other choice other than to tear myself apart alone? I hate him, well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I hate this version of myself, I am scared to even look at my own reflection in the mirror. He made me so miserable Sunghoon, I am scared I will never be the person I was before him. And I am scared I will never find someone who will love me the way I expect them to. Is it so hard to love me?” Jay could feel the tears starting to form again.
Sunghoon was faster than him, his hands already trying to wipe away all the stray tears staining Jay's cheeks.
“Jay. Jay, please. Please shut up. It’s so easy to love you. It’s so easy to fall in love with all your little things, with your eyes, with all the thoughts running through your brain. God, Jay. Sometimes I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life living in your pretty little head. The back of your head is always at the front of my mind. I like and look up to you so much. Don’t let everything that happened define you. You’re much, much more than this, much more than whatever Heeseung thinks of you. It must’ve taken a lot of courage for you to tell me all this, I’m proud of you and I’m really grateful you did.”
The lips that touched his cheek felt like a breath of fresh air.
-
Everyone could feel the tension hanging in the air as they walked into the room for the shooting.
Jay had to spend thirty minutes in the bathroom trying to pull himself together, he couldn’t cry just at the sight of Heeseung, he was way better than this. And he had promised Jungwon he wouldn’t let himself cry; he didn’t want to disappoint two people at the same time.
While Heeseung looked rather calm, Jake looked like he was about to throw up any second.
‘Good’ was the first thing that Jay thought. He regretted it immediately.
He heard him before he actually got to see him, someone had brought their child on the set of their new music video and the kid was now screaming and laughing at everything that he saw. He could only watch as the other members had already formed a crowd around the four years old, since when did they even care about children? He had no idea.
The surprise and excitement didn’t last long though, they were still seven teenagers anyways, their attention span something Jay had always thought they had to work on.
When Jay looked back at the kid, he felt the air knock out of his lungs as he watched over to Sunghoon and saw the baby holding with his whole hand his pointer finger and Sunghoon smiling prettily, talking with the highest pitch he could master. How could Sunghoon be so delicate and considered? He was treating the baby so nicely; Jay was about to go insane.
Why was he suddenly feeling hot all over? What was going on? Maybe people were onto something when they invented the whole ‘baby fever’ phenomenon, he had to give them that.
He could hear Sunghoon’s laughing at something the kid just told him. The way he threw his head back laughing at the baby’s little mannerisms, that’s what really enchanted Jay that day.
He looked like a little kid.
-
“Can we talk?” Heeseung whispered. They were still on set, some of the members were getting their makeup and hair retouched and Jay wanted to run away, or throw up, but he sees Jungwon nodding in the background and it comforts Jay.
“Yes, we can go to the bathroom if you want.”
“I’m sorry for everything, I just want to ask you to please don’t blame Jake at all, he had no idea. If you, and you are entitled to, want to be mad at someone, just take everything out on me.” Heeseung started as soon as the door closed behind them.
“I just want to know why, I guess. Was I not enough?” Jay could feel tears starting to form in his eyes, he was really so fucking stupid, crying again, head facing the ground.
“Hey, Jay. Please look at me.” Jay wants to throw up and rip all his hair out, “This has nothing to do with you. You were enough and I will always cherish every moment we have spent together, I just thought we were on the same page with this… thing we had going on, but we clearly weren’t, so I apologize for hurting your feelings. You can take all the time you need to actually forgive me; I will wait.” The only sound in the bathroom was now Jay sniffling, but he could feel a giggle bubble in his throat.
“If Jungwon knew that it took me five seconds to forgive you he would kill me, so give me a few days.”
He tried his best to smile, “Jake is really lucky. You coming in here, taking all the blame and all, it was really cool. I am kind of jealous though. That was also everything I have ever wanted from you.”
-
He hated Sunghoon.
“Can I lay here with you? Niki’s snoring somehow got even worse today, I am looking for a place to sleep…” Sunghoon whispered, trying not to make more unnecessary noise.
“Can’t you sleep on the couch? Also, where is Jake?” Jay grunted, opening his eyes.
Jay could read the flashing 3:57 A.M. on the screen of his alarm. He was going to kill him.
“You know I don’t even fit on our couch and Jake… you can guess where he is, please don’t make me say it.” Sunghoon had already gestured for Jay to roll over, one of his legs already under the comforter.
“Whatever, just let me sleep.”
“I’m going to buy you that pan you really want.“
“Save it and just fucking sleep, Sunghoon.”
“Okay, sorry, goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Jay sighed. It was going to be a long night.
4:07 A.M.
Oh, to Jay Sunghoon was so dead.
“Can you please, please, for the love of God stop moving before I go completely insane? Do I have to chain you to the bed?” Jay had whisper screamed.
“Kinky…”
“Just sleep.”
Sleeping together just became a habit after that.
Sunghoon would wash up, bid the others good night and slip into Jay’s bed like it was his own, he didn’t even try to come up with all sorts of weird excuses anymore.
And Jay can’t pinpoint the day things changed; he can’t really tell when he started looking at Sunghoon like he was someone he wanted to keep closer and closer. It was somewhere between the little whispers of good nights, between Sunghoon’s eyelashes grazing his cheeks, between Sunghoon's hair spread out on the pillow in the morning, but having Sunghoon so close yet so far away started to make his chest hurt.
And somewhere in between the words Sunghoon was whispering to him tonight, Jay got lost.
He’s pretty sure his face is red because he feels his cheeks burning, the blood rushing to his ears is so loud, he can’t hear a thing Sunghoon is saying, his heart is beating so fast and his fingers are tingling, almost shaking, just wanting to touch Sunghoon, to feel his skin, touch his lips, his hair, his hips. Jay suddenly wants everything.
“I’m sorry, Jay. Just thinking about it again, I’m really sorry you had to go through all that alone,” Sunghoon’s hands are now in his hair and Jay just can’t move.
Right, they were talking about Heeseung again, “but you’re not alone, you never were and you’ll never be.”.
Jay lets his eyes flutter close, leaning into the other boy’s touch and he can’t really tell the moment Sunghoon’s face got this close to his, he just feels Sunghoon’s eyelashes softly brush on his cheek as he also closes his eyes. His breath itches as Sunghoon shuffles impossibly closer, his hands on Jay’s neck, mouth pressing a small kiss on his cheek… then on his forehead, on his nose, under his eye, the spot oh, so close to his mouth.
Is this what being loved really feels like? What love feels like? He thought love would’ve felt like a burning fire, like every single fiber of his body was on fire, but he just feels at peace, here with Sunghoon, in his own bed. Here he can let himself be loved for the first time; he can let go.
So Jay wants.
He wants Sunghoon to kiss him until he can’t breathe, knocking all the air out of his lungs. He wants Sunghoon pressing their bodies to close, wants Sunghoon’s hands everywhere, wants Sunghoon’s name on his lips, wants to feel his body shake and kiss him again and again and again. He wants his mind filled with Sunghoon, his kisses tattooed on his skin, he doesn’t want to be held by anyone else now that he knows what it feels like to be held by Sunghoon. His fingers are gently brushing up and down Sunghoon’s arm as he feels the boy’s breath fanning over his lips now, Jay just wants. Again. He already knows that he won’t ever get enough.
They stay close, both of them just breathing, not daring to move, with their hands still caressing each other but Sunghoon’s mouth is close to Jay’s again, their lips touching for a split second. And Jay really doesn’t have time to respond, his lips chasing after Sunghoon, (he would’ve loved to press his lips to the boy’s again) because as he opens his eyes Sunghoon is already leaning back, his hand falling from Jay’s neck, his cheeks pink.
“I am sorry, I got caught up in the moment. I am sure you want to take it slow and all, I am sorry. You don’t have to use me as a rebound, you can take all the time you need to figure things out and take care of yourself.”
“Sunghoon, please just kiss me again,” Jay mutters, eyes closing again, “we can talk tomorrow.”
Sunghoon stops talking, a smile forming on his lips.
“How are you real? You’re not real, are you? This must be all part of one of my stupid dreams, my brain’s fucking with me because there’s no way in hell you’re here in your bed, pressed against me, asking to be kissed.”
“I am very much real and I am asking really nicely for attention.”
Sunghoon would’ve thought of some snarky comment again but Jay’s mouth was on his again, now pressing up on him, not wanting to waste more time. Something in the back of Jay’s head tells him that this moment feels a lot like coming home after a long day of work and he smiles against Sunghoon’s lips.
-
Their honeymoon phase seemed to last an eternity. Jay just couldn’t get enough of the silly GIFs and emoticons Sunghoon loved to send him, of their good morning kisses, of the way Sunghoon’s arms felt around his waist, of the moles on Sunghoon’s nose (his favorite spots to kiss), of the ‘I love you’s Sunghoon whispered against his lips that made Jay’s legs tremble.
And yet, neither of them dared to tell the other members about it. Not like they were ashamed or anything, but wouldn’t it be awkward to introduce Sunghoon as his boyfriend to Heeseung, the guy he used to fuck? God, that he even used to love? He was sure the kids had already caught on, of course, they did, they all shared the room with Sunghoon anyways.
So, Jay had no business in calling a meeting to tell Heeseung and the poor Jake that yeah, he used to fuck his boyfriend and now he also fucks his best friend daily.
No.
No.
He could never do that to Jake.
But the way Sunghoon was looking at him right now, in the dim light of their living room while they were all together watching a film (please, don’t ask Jay what film… for the life of him, he just can’t remember anything else if not the lights reflecting on Sunghoon’s face), was making Jay feel dizzy. He was hyperaware of all the places their bodies were touching.
It felt like the only person left in the world was Sunghoon.
They weren’t in the living room with the other boys anymore, they were somewhere else, in a place inside Jay’s mind where he could keep Sunghoon close to him forever. His hands were already holding Sunghoon’s when he just couldn’t take it anymore, using their intertwined hands to pull the other boy close and making him gasp.
“Sunghoon…” Jay whispers as Sunghoon finally leans in and presses their lips together. Jay sighs, hands reaching for the other boy’s face as Sunghoon settles his hands on the back of Jay’s head, keeping him steady in place. It’s just a long press of lips, Jay’s mind getting even dizzier, as he tries to get comfortable, shuffling close to the other boy. His lips now finding their way to Sunghoon’s neck, hot breath fanning on his collarbones.
“Oh my God,” Sunghoon stutters, catching Jay’s mouth again, his tongue now pushing to the roof of Jay’s mouth making the other boy moan.
As they break apart, trying to catch their breath, Sunghoon moves sideways to Jay’s earlobe, pressing the boy even closer to him. Every inch of their bodies flushed together and Jay can feel Sunghoon’s hand under his shirt, burning against his skin. He wants to kiss him forever; he wants to keep him close and never leave him.
But Jay soon catches sight of all the other members watching dumbfounded. Shit. They had a lot of explaining to do. He lets his head fall back onto Sunghoon’s neck, as he circles his arms around it, trying to hide his blushing cheeks and shy smile.
“What’s wrong?” Sunghoon asks, still pressing kisses to his cheek, neck, and the split at the center of his lips.
“Sunghoon,” Jay mumbles, now meeting his lover’s eyes as he squishes his cheeks in between his fingers, “Sunghoon, everyone is watching us.”
“Yes,” Sunghoon nods, “I can see that, but I really, really, really just want to keep kissing you right now.” Jay groans his cheeks now a deep maroon color, stomach flipping.
“God, you can’t just say shit like that…” he whispers.
“Well, stop being cute then, it makes me want to eat you up,” Sunghoon whispers back. “Oh my God, Sunghoon!”
“Let’s just leave,” Sunghoon says as he starts to leave kisses all over Jay’s face again, the other boy just giggling, “let’s leave, go to your room, so I can kiss you all over and press your pretty body into the mattress.”
“You’re fucking crazy.”
“You love it.”