Chapter Text
The mood in the break room is abysmal, to put it lightly. It seems that everyone is attuned to Melissa and the vibes she gives off, staying quiet so as to not set her off any more than she already is.
“What put you in a bad mood?” Barbara asks, growing tired of the silent fuming her lunch partner is doing across the table. She’s eating a bit too aggressively for her tastes, and it’s not like anyone else has the courage to speak to Melissa when she’s in a mood.
Apparently that is all the prompting Melissa needs to start venting. “I got an invitation in the mail. Guess who’s getting married?” Her tone is harsh, letting Barbara know it could only be one of two people that has her upset. Usually, Melissa is capable of letting things roll off her back and not bother her too much, but her ex-husband and her sister just dig their nails under her skin and stay there.
Barbara keeps her voice gentle and caring, not wanting her friend to clam up before expressing her feelings. “Oh no. Is it Joe?”
The plastic fork in her hand snaps as she stabs the lettuce of her salad. “Worse. Kristin Marie.” This was more severe than Barbara had thought. There must be something else going on besides her little sister inviting her to her wedding to make her this upset.
“Not to Joe, right?” She was horrified at the thought, but wouldn’t put it past either of them. If they wanted to hurt Melissa they would find a way and it couldn’t get more painful than her ex husband and little sister getting married to each other.
Melissa’s sandwich almost disintegrates under the pressure of her grasp, not able to eat her salad without a fork. “No, some guy she met at a charity event. How disgusting. Do you know the worst part?”
“Hm?” Frankly, Barbara is scared her best friend is about to go off the deep end, her voice raising as she becomes more agitated.
“She didn’t give me a plus one. So I called her to ask why. She told me she figured I wasn’t dating, so why would I need one?” The annoyance in her tone fills the break room. Her face has gone red with her anger at the situation and people are starting to stare.
“Oh Melissa, you know you could date again. You can find someone.” Barbara reaches her hand out to pat her friend’s, a dismal effort at comfort but at least it was something. It’s not like Barbara can find her someone to date, Melissa doesn’t usually run in the same circles she does. She isn’t sure how else she can help.
“Well I told her I already did. She gave me the plus one. Problem is, I don’t have anyone to take.” Barbara shakes her head. She’ll never understand Melissa’s need to prove everyone wrong even when it has the opportunity to humiliate her in the end.
“You’re not asking me to attend with you, right?” She doesn’t think so, but she needs to be absolutely sure. Hell must be wherever the Schemmenti sisters are arguing and Barbara certainly doesn’t want to be part of it.
“God no. Kristin knows you anyway. I need someone she hasn’t met.” So she has thought about this, knows she needs to find someone to go with, and is still going through with it. Barbara shakes her head to herself, knowing there’s no way this ends well.
“Ooh I’ll do it. It could be fun, learning more about the Schemmenti psyche. I listened to a podcast the other—,” the history teacher pipes up from the other side of the break room. Barbara thinks he has more balls than anyone gives him credit for.
“Jacob, I love you kid, but you’re too gay to pull that off.” Melissa interrupts, and Barbara is impressed that her glare only does minimal damage to the man’s feelings. Jacob surprises her more everyday.
“What about me? I’d love to meet your sister again, get her to like me.” Of course Janine would offer, the situation combines her need to fix everything with her need to be liked by everyone she meets.
“Janine, this needs to be believable. No one would believe we're together for real. You’re the opposite of what I look for. No offense but I need someone less annoying.” To Janine’s credit, her pout only lasts for a second and she doesn’t try to convince Melissa to reconsider.
Barbara can’t wait for this to be over.
Janine lasts no longer than five minutes before she tries to fix Melissa's issue again.
“What about Gregory?” She offers him up and he stares at you wide eyed, pleading with you to help him get out of this. You stare back, unsure how that would be possible.
“I’d rather go on a date with Ava.” You can’t help but to laugh at that. You think Melissa and Ava on a date would be like a shark dating a lion. They’re both too fierce for it to work, it’s more likely they would bite each other's heads off before the end of the night.
“Seems like you just have to tell her.” Jacob must swim in the ocean when he bleeds, a true masochist to try to tell Melissa what she needs to do.
“I’d rather be eaten by a shark than prove Kristin right.” Well. In this scenario, Melissa just might be sticking her foot in her mouth. Another laugh leaves your mouth at the visual.
“You, giggles. Come here.” You weren’t aware that she noticed you or that she knows your name. Since you aren't a masochist yourself, you follow the redhead’s instructions. Melissa has never said a word to you since you started teaching at Abbott. You’ve heard about her; she’s ruthless, self-serving, and not afraid to call someone out on any bullshit. You assumed it was safer to stay out of her way and not draw any attention to yourself. It worked up until now.
Once you’re standing in front of her, she watches you like she’s inspecting a purebred horse, making sure it’s top quality before purchasing. She starts at your feet, making her way to your face. The way she does it makes your mouth dry from the nerves. Meeting your eyes, she nods. “You’ll do.”
“I didn’t even offer,” you object. There’s no way you’re going with a shark to a wedding full of more sharks, you would be eaten alive. Melissa would practically be using you as bait.
“Yeah but you’re the best option.” She says it like it’s final and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re not sure where she gets off treating the younger teachers like her children, bossing them around all of the time.
On the other hand, it wouldn’t hurt to have the scariest teacher in the school owe you something. “What’s in it for me?”
“There’s an open bar.” You feel that you can be bolder since it’s clear that she needs you, so you just stare at her, blinking. Free alcohol didn’t appeal to you as much as it did in college. Not like this anyway. Sighing, she relents. “Come to my classroom after school’s over, we’ll talk terms.”
“You’re late.” She didn’t even lift her head as you hovered by the classroom door. Melissa must have sensed your hesitation in showing up in the first place. In the end, you decided you may as well hear her out. You could be strong and say no if you want to.
“I came as soon as my kids were gone.” Even to you your voice seems shaky and unsure. You curse yourself for letting her intimidate you.
Finally, she looks up from whatever she’s reading and pushes her glasses to the top of her head. “You can’t be late if we’re going to do this. Nothing to prove to Kristin that she’s better than me.” She’s stern, like she’s scolding one of her students.
You scoff, there’s no way you won’t stand up for yourself. You’re not the one with something to lose in this situation. “Do you want me to do this or not? You didn’t even say a time so how was I late?”
“Fine. I guess you’re right.” She gestures for you to grab a chair from one of the students’ desks and sit near her.
Sitting, you start asking all of the questions that have been rolling around in your head since lunch. “What’s your plan?” You ask, taking in her appearance. There are bags under her eyes and the whites have gone more red than not. Her makeup is smudged in places and there’s a deep frown on her face.
“Well it’s in two weeks in Niagara Falls.” That’s a surprise to you, and you’re sure your expression shows it. The whole thing seems like more of a hassle now and you’re not sure how she plans on making it worth it for you to go all the way to the Canadian border.
“Does that mean we’ll have to spend the night?” You’re beginning to think spending so much time with someone both so intimidating and demanding will be bad for your health.
“Yeah a few probably,” she rubs her face in what’s clearly exhaustion. “Friday night is the rehearsal dinner and the wedding is Saturday afternoon. I figure we’ll leave Sunday. There’s a brunch thing that day but I’m not sure if we’re going.”
Three events. Can you act like you’re in love with Melissa for three events? It doesn’t seem like it would actually be too hard if you and Melissa liked each other. There should be enough people attending that no one will spend enough time around you both to figure anything out. “Okay, have you already looked into flights?”
“We’re driving. It’s only seven hours.” The woman must be crazier than you thought. Fourteen hours in a car alone with Melissa over the course of three days is something that would happen in your nightmares.
“How are we supposed to make the rehearsal dinner from here after school in under seven hours?” It isn’t possible to leave school at four and make it in time for dinner—you wouldn’t get there until at least eleven at night if you drove.
She looks at you for a moment, unmoving, considering your words. “I guess you have a point. I’ll look into flights.”
The satisfaction you’re getting from this conversation—Melissa both apologizing and admitting you were right—puts you in a fantastic mood. “Good. And what are we doing about the actual wedding?”
“What do you mean? We show up and shove it in my sister's face that I do have a date.” She makes it seem like it would be oh so simple. Just pretend to be in love and fool people that have known her her whole life. Easy peasy. Did she realize that she would need to act like she’s in love with you too?
“Right but do you want her and everyone else to like me or do you want to piss them off?” Honestly, you’re not sure which you’d rather do. On one hand, pissing off some Schemmentis seems like it would be something you could do in your sleep. On the other hand, you usually prefer not to stand out in a crowd or draw too much attention to yourself.
Melissa’s head tilts in contemplation. “I hadn’t thought about that. It’s a good thing I’m bringing you. I think the only person I want to piss off is Kristin. I still want to be invited to family dinners after this.” She laughs at her own joke.
Briefly, your eyes flicker to the window to check that the world isn’t ending. Melissa is glad you’re going? Your eyes then travel to the clock to make sure you aren’t dreaming either. The literal reality check completed, you try to push down your confusion at the turn of events today has brought. “Okay and what’s our story?”
“Do we need one?” She's exasperated with all your questions, even though they’re proving to be helpful. She knew it would be difficult but this was a lot to think about.
You blink a few times before you respond. “You’re going to bring your girlfriend that no one’s heard of before and not expect them to ask? You are Italian right? They’re gonna be nosy.” This was the most concerning of her remarks. The story is the most important part of fake dating, you’ve read enough romance novels to know that. Well, that and not falling in love with each other.
Again, Melissa acquiesces. “True. I guess we make it simple, close to the truth. We met at work and I thought you weren’t as bad as everyone else.” She shrugs.
Close to the truth was probably your best bet, so not a bad plan. “And how long have we been together?”
The older woman thinks for a minute. “Not long enough for me to tell everyone but long enough that we’re somewhat serious. So…three months?” She looks to you for approval. Apparently you’re somewhat of an expert on fake dating.
“Sounds good, but how are we going to make it believable?” Silently, you hope she understands what you mean and doesn’t make you say the specific words.
“What do you mean? You pretend to be my girlfriend.” You look at her incredulously. Did she think it was that simple?
When she doesn’t respond, you resign yourself to spelling it out for her. “Yeah but do we hold hands? Dance? Kiss? Are we handsy? I don’t know how you act when you’re in love.”
Melissa drops her head to her hands, the conversation taking its toll on her already exhausting day. “Sure, all of that. Whatever the situation calls for. Anything else?”
“You’re not seriously expecting me to give up my weekend for an open bar. So what else do I get out of this?” If she’s surprised by your boldness, she doesn’t let it show.
“I’ll do all your lunchroom duties for a month.” That is the worst, spending your lunch period listening to children scream for a half hour is not your definition of a good time. It’s a decent offer, but not great.
If you want to have a say in anything that happens the weekend of the wedding you’ll have to ensure Melissa won’t steamroll you. This is a perfect chance to show her you wouldn’t let her. “Make it three and pay for my food the whole weekend.”
Your demands earn you a grimace. “Deal,” she says reluctantly, holding her hand out to you to shake on it. Standing, you shake and turn to leave. You need to find a dress to wear.
“Oh and one last thing,” you stop in the doorway. “For the love of god do not call me any pet names.” The whole weekend would be much harder to deal with if you have to remember to respond to something atrocious like snookums .
She gives you a curt nod. “See ya, giggles.”