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"Listen up,” Ed said to the crew who were arguing among themselves. They fell silent instantly. “I’ve said it a hundred times: no pets allowed.”
Everyone but Olu, who had snuck into the kitchen to prepare an evening snack for himself and Jim, was gathered on deck to discuss an important issue. Apparently, said issue meant deciding whether to keep a kitten onboard or not. How that was deemed urgent Stede would never know. All he wanted to do was curl up in bed with the setting sun streaming into his room and finish the last chapter of his book but he’d been so rudely interrupted by Frenchie barrelling into his cabin, eyes wide, yelling for him to come quick.
"But why, Captain Blackbeard, sir?" Wee John asked.
"Because they befoul ships,” Ed said, like it was obvious.
"Be that as it may,” Stede said, inching closer to the animal they’d unconsciously formed a circle around, “he is awfully cute.”
The male kitten was very young and feeble, that much Stede could tell. He had an orange coat which was matted and the areas around his eyes were red from irritation.
He yawned and Ed tugged Stede backwards. "Don't get attached to him, Stede."
"Yeah, captain, those things are dangerous," Roach said. "Might lose your tongue if you get too close."
The kitten flopped onto his back and struggled to right himself.
“Right,” Stede said, stretching the word out. He wasn’t convinced in the slightest.
"I won't clean up after him," Ed pointed out, going back to his previous assessment.
"Neither will I,” Stede said. He hadn’t thought about that but now that he had, he wrinkled his nose at the prospect of getting anything nasty on his clothes.
"We'll take responsibility. Won't we, guys?" Black Pete said.
No one answered.
Pete nudged Lucius.
"Right, sweetie?"
"Urgh, fine. The things I do for you… I'll help."
"Me, too," Wee John volunteered and the Swede did too.
Frenchie shook his head like he couldn't believe any of this was happening. "I'm on the captain's side. Cats are evil. They-"
"Steal baby's breath," Jim interrupted. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've said it a thousand times."
"Doesn't make it less true," Frenchie muttered.
"You've got a good sense about things, Jim," Stede said. "What do you think we should do with the little beasty?"
“I say we kill it.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“Ay agree, and so does Karl,” Buttons said with the bird perched on his head. “We should toss the wretched thing overboard.”
“We can’t do that,” Stede exclaimed just as Ed said, “We should do that.”
They stared at each other until Ed shrugged. “What? Would you rather he killed Karl?"
"Well, no…"
"He’ll kill him as soon as he can. Trust me. It’s in his nature”
“But he’s just a baby. He can barely stand up, for goodness sake.”
“So what do you want to do with him then?”
Stede considered his options. None really appealed to him. Killing an innocent was out of the question, but if it resulted in the kitten growing up and fatally wounding the seagull, then what? It felt like his hands were tied.
“Where did he even come from?” Stede asked.
“Must’ve snuck onboard when we last docked," suggested Wee John, but that couldn’t be right. It’d been at least a month since they’d walked on dry land, surely someone would’ve spotted the little pipsqueak lurking about The Revenge at some point?
“Guys,” the Swede said, looking over Stede's shoulder. “I think Olu’s trying to get your attention. He keeps making strange hand gestures."
“What, why?” Stede said as he turned around to face Olu who was glaring at the Swede. Then he looked nervously between Stede and Ed.
“You aren’t going to like what I've found.”
“Where have you been?” Ed asked.
“What is it, Olu?” Stede said.
“It might be better if I show you.”
Stede followed Olu and the rest trailed after him. They were taken into the food storage room.
“Oh – seriously?" Stede said, disbelief making his voice higher pitched. There, on the floor, curled up beside some sprouting potatoes was a large, saggy-skinned tabby cat. "How didn’t you spot this, Roach?”
The chef pushed his way to the front of the group and his eyes bulged. It seemed he didn't know about the hideaway. Or, rather, hideaways. Plural. Because latched onto the cat were two suckling kittens.
Stede raised an eyebrow at Roach in question.
“What? I can’t check everything.”
"But this is where the food is kept — you go in here every day!"
Roach shrugged. "Usually in the dark."
"You mean to say we've been eating food the kittens were born on?" Wee John said.
“Gnawed on, born on, weed on. Take your pick.”
“Yuck,” Stede said, scrunching up his nose. It seemed some food hygiene lessons were in order.
Ed nudged Stede’s arm. "See? Told you pets were bad company."
“This is just one hiccup. I’m sure they have some redeeming qualities.” He hoped that was true because he was reaching a stage where he wanted to bash his head against a wall. Why was this happening to him? He’d just wanted a quiet, peaceful evening.
"What should we do with them, then?" Stede said more to himself than anyone else, impatience taking hold of him.
"Only one thing we can do,” Ed said.
"I'm not executing them."
"Executions a bit much, Stede, I’d just stick to killing them. Keep it simple."
"That’s the same thing, Ed," Stede said in exasperation. "It ends the same way."
"That it does."
"Anyone else have any bright ideas?" Stede looked around in desperation. Someone had to have a solution that didn’t involve murder.
"Keep 'em," Olu offered.
"That was an option when there was one, but now there are four of them."
"More's the better to catch the rats with," Olu countered.
"We don't have a rodent problem."
"And it'd continue to stay that way with them here."
"Good point,” Stede acknowledged, happy to use it as the winning argument. He turned to everyone in the room and asked, “Is everyone happy with that?”
"I guess he’s not wrong,” Jim said.
“Fine,” Frenchie said, hiding at the back of the group, “but I want nothing to do with them.”
Stede gave everyone a chance to speak. The majority agreed to keep them. Then, it was Ed’s turn.
“I’ll keep the sack ready,” he said, but Stede took that as a positive because it wasn’t a flat-out rejection.
“Great! It’s settled then. The cats can stay." His announcement was met with groans and cheers. "I want you all to pair up and take turns looking after them. Who'd like to go first?" Everyone shuffled backwards and some managed to escape through the door, but before they all fled Stede managed to say, "Black Pete. Lucius. Stay put. You'll go first seeing as you volunteered earlier.”
Lucius turned around like he'd been personally victimised. "I knew I should’ve kept quiet.”
"Aw, come on, babe. It'll be fun."
"I highly doubt that." Despite his displeasure, Lucius stayed with Black Pete.
"And can someone please bring the first kitten we found down here!" Stede shouted but there was no response. Either everyone was too far away to hear or, more likely, they just didn’t want to hear it.
“Captain," Lucius said just as Stede started walking away. He turned back to face Lucius who was looking at Pete crouched in front of the cats, making cooing noises. "What are we supposed to do?"
"I don't know. Make sure they don't lick any of our food? Use your head, man." And with that, Stede left them to it.
The sun had nearly set by the time Stede reached the deck. It was deserted except for the stray kitten which had crawled precariously close to the side of the ship.
"Oh no you don't,” Stede said, rushing over to pick it up by the scruff of its neck. It mewled pitifully. “You should have tried that move earlier. Now you’re stuck here.”
Stede heard footsteps behind him and looked up. It was Ed, and he was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a smug look on his face. “Taking my advice after all?”
Stede envisioned how he looked from Ed’s perspective holding the kitten out over the side of the ship.
“It’s not what it looks like!” He darted away from the edge, the sea seething from its chance to claim a victim, and struggled to hold the squirming kitten.
“I’m just messing with you, man,” Ed said, joining Stede. He gestured to the kitten. “Having some trouble there?”
“How am I supposed to hold him? He keeps wiggling.”
“Support his back legs,” suggested Ed.
Stede tried, but a claw caught on his coat. He heard a rip. This wasn’t working.
“Here,” he said, offering the bundle of fluff to Ed. “You try.”
Ed looked unsure.
“Please,” Stede said, and only then did Ed take the kitten. He stopped twisting about as soon as Ed cradled him in his arms and he stared up at Ed, his paws frozen in midair.
“You make it look easy,” Stede commented. In the evening sun, it was easy to believe the glow in Ed’s eyes and the softening of his face was caused by the light and had nothing to do with the way he was gazing at the kitten, but Stede knew better. Ed had a soft spot.
“They sense confidence. Pretend you know what you’re doing and they’ll behave.”
“Right. I’ll remember that.”
Ed met Stede’s gaze. “Want another go?”
“Another time,” Stede said, his fingers finding the small tear in his clothes. “Anyhow, we need to return the little beasty to his mother.”
“Beasty? You’ve got to be joking. You can’t call him that.”
“I hadn’t thought about naming him. What do you suggest?”
“How about… Ginger?”
“That’s hardly original.”
“You name him then.”
“Ed.”
“Yeah?”
“No, not you. Him.”
“You want to call him Ed?”
“I think it suits him. A curious little fella up to no good.” Ed looked down at the tiny kitten and was silent for longer than usual so Stede tentatively asked, “Is that alright?”
Ed looked up at Stede, a tenderness in his eyes, and nodded.
Silently, they made their way back to the food storage room to reunite the kitten with his family.
Halfway there, Stede said, “We might have to call him Ed Junior to avoid confusion.”
“I think I’ll know when someone’s talking to me or the cat.”
“If you say so,” Stede said neutrally, but in his mind, he was already figuring out ways to tease Ed. He bet the crew would join in, too.
Surprisingly, when they entered the room, Pete and Lucius were still there. Stede had thought they’d get up and go as soon as he’d turned his back.
“Everything alright down here?”
“All good, captain,” Pete said, but he stopped talking, his mouth falling open, as soon as he noticed Ed carrying the kitten.
Oblivious, Ed returned Ed to his family. The mother cat smelt her young and then proceeded to lick him.
“Wonderful,” Stede said, thankful everything was sorted. “As you were then, boys. I’m going to call it a night. Coming, Ed?”
Ed straightened up from where he’d leant over, petting the tabby cat. “Yeah, sure, I'm coming.”
The pair left the room and the whispers from Pete and Lucius behind. They wandered along, heading towards the captain’s cabin.
“You were right, you know,” Ed said eventually.
“About what?”
“Cats aren’t so bad.”
“What happened to not becoming attached?”
“That flew out the window as soon as you named one after me.”
Stede smiled before he could help himself. “There’s still three without names, you know. Perhaps I’ll give each one a variation of yours. A whole family of Eds.”
Ed stopped in his tracks. He narrowed his eyes. “You wouldn’t.”
“Ed, Eddie, Edward, and ET,” listed Stede, counting them on his hand.
“That’s awful.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Stede said happily. He started walking back the way they’d come.
“Where are you going?” Ed said, confusion clouding his amusement.
“To inform Lucius and Pete about the names before they accidentally give them any.”
“You aren’t serious?”
Stede looked over his shoulder while walking. Ed looked dumbstruck. “I’ve never been more serious in my life.”
“You’ve gone too far, Stede, I won’t let you,” Ed said, but despite his words, he was fighting back a smile.
“Lucius! Pete! I need to tell you something!” Stede quickened his steps until he heard Ed dashing after him, and then he took off in a sprint. There was a good chance Ed would catch him, but even if he did, Stede wouldn’t mind.
He’d won as soon as he’d made Ed smile.