Work Text:
Arjuna trod the damp leaves and walked amongst the foliage outside of Dwarka indifferently. The rain had brightened up the colours of every tree, every bush, every flower; and yet Arjuna did not care for it. The blossoming nature around him did not manage to lighten the darkness of the loneliness he felt.
The soft voice floated through before the crack of twigs, "did you really think you could pass by without meeting me?"
Arjuna whirled around in delight, a huge grin growing on his face. He rushed up to Krishna and hugged the relatively slender man tightly, who gave a tinkling laugh and hugged him back just as hard.
"I was trying to save me the embarrassment."
"Dhananjaya, nothing you ever do can make you fall from the position you hold in my heart."
Arjuna looked dubious. "I have been exiled for a year for intruding on bhraata Yudhisthira and Panchali's privacy."
"Oh dear." Krishna remarked without a single change in his pleased expression. "Where will you go?"
"Just travel for a while, somewhere, and then return."
"Meaningless travel for a year with you?" Joy and mischief began dancing in Krishna's eyes. "Wait here." And with that he ran off to where he had come from.
Arjuna hesitated for a second, unsure as to whether to leave or stay, but then found a somewhat dry rock and sat down, fully resigning to be a part of whatever Krishna was going to pull.
Krishna took his sweet time and came back after what felt like a hours to the idly sitting Arjuna. "May I ask what you are planning to do?"
"Oh!" Krishna's face was shining. He lifted his bundle excitedly and showed it to him, "I'm coming with you!"
"What?" Arjuna was totally bewildered. "No, Krishna, you can not. I am supposed to be exiled, not on a vacation."
"Whose fault is that? I'm pretty sure you will not invade on someone's privacy like that unless absolutely necessary. I am also sure that you are thick skinned enough to take this exile upon yourself even when Panchali and Yudhisthira did not insist it to be necessary."
"Wait, you knew about this?"
"Of course I did. Draupadi wrote to me, telling what an idiot you had been. I decided then and there to come with you."
"I am not a child." Huffed Arjuna.
"Of course you are not. But you are a friend." Krishna grinned, and Arjuna gave a genuinely huge smile.
He suddenly began to appreciate the nature.
"Where are we gooiiingg." Whined Arjuna.
"You will see." Krishna replied mysteriously.
"I was supposed to lead this journey."
"Said who?"
"Said the person who exiled me."
"So you, and therefore nobody important."
"Am I not important?" Arjuna faked a look of hurt.
"Not important? You are the most important thing to me, my dear."
Arjuna searched his face for a hint of mirth, but all he found was a deadly seriousness. It was a soothing balm to a wound that hadn't been caused.
"But can you not tell me where we are going?"
"No."
"But–"
"Shh, it is just around here, I think."
They walked across the bend and Arjuna became speechless.
A clear stream cut through sprawling green grass. A huge mountain stood before them, hills all around, and except for the way hidden between two huge rocks they'd just come through, there was no other way in.
"How are we going to go any further? There is–" Arjuna begun, but cut off when he sat down on the soft ground and gave a satisfied groan.
"Do you want to?" Krishna asked playfully. "Wait, there is one more thing."
He began walking towards a place where the mountain merged with the hill covered with ferns, and Arjuna scrambled to catch up. Krishna went to the place where the rock seemed to fold in on itself, and after gauging something, he bunched up a few hanging tendrils and pulled them aside.
Arjuna's gasp was child-like.
Illuminated only by few rays of sunshine brave enough to come through, a mostly dark cave stood in front of them with a floor soft with moss.
"How did you ever find this?" Arjuna asked in astonishment as he spread out on the soft floor.
"Someone brought me here once." Krishna said as he smiled down upon Arjuna who was completely relaxed.
Arjuna's mood immediately soured, his previous carefree attitude replaced by something vicious and bitter. He did not reply.
That ugly feeling still had not left Arjuna's mind. As they sat around the fire alighted by Krishna, he could not help himself.
"Who brought you here?" He asked finally. He did not know why he wanted the woman to be uninteresting.
Krishna hesitated, and a shadow of something passed over his face. He did not answer.
"Krishna?" He asked again with more gentleness.
The only response he got was the other leaning forward to move the logs up.
"Did you not come here with a woman of status? A peasant woman, or a worker perhaps? Was she not–"
"It." He looked straight ahead and looked into Arjuna's eyes, but did not lift his head. "It was a man." He whispered.
"Oh." Krishna watched the realisation dawn upon Arjuna's face. "Oh."
There was a beat of silence. Krishna hugged himself tighter.
"You slept… with a man?" Arjuna's voice was not accusatory or repulsed, it was merely curious.
It helped Krishna loosen a bit. "Yes."
"Oh."
He knew his friend better than anyone. His usually stoic face relaxed around the people he trusted. It became the easiest thing to read. Right now, all it said was that he was contemplating.
"I did not know you could do that."
"Well, you cannot, according to society. But if you really love someone, can it be a sin? Who is society to tell you whether it is? Is society going to participate in it? Is society–" Krishna's voice was defensive, but Arjuna cut across him.
"You loved him?" Arjuna's voice took a complete different tone which Krishna could not comprehend.
"Yes?"
"Mm-hmm." For the first time, Arjuna wore an expression which Krishna could not read.
"Arjuna? Are you going to say something?" A few moments ago, Krishna was hopeful. Now it was slowly turning to cold dread as the minutes passed by without Dhananjaya having spoken anything.
"Yes, see." He sounded strained as he spoke this, "this is actually quite a revelation to me. Could I sleep on it, and we could perhaps talk later in the morning?"
"Sure. Why do you not go inside?"
"Are you… gonna join me?" Arjuna hoped his voice did not sound as though it was desperate.
"No, no, definitely not. You do not need to worry. I will not impose upon you at any point. I will be here outside, it is just as wonderful."
"I was not worrying." Was it just Krishna's imagination, or did Arjuna sound a little disappointed?
Weirdly enough, it was not the realisation of the fact of two men laying together that bothered him. It was the fact that it was Krishna who slept with someone else.
Would he be a bad friend if he did not accept that Krishna liked other men?
Yes, he would. But why did it make him so furious?
No, Krishna being with other men did not bother Arjuna. What bothered him was Krishna being with someone other than him. Someone who couldn't appreciate his humour, his intelligence, his bravery, his empathy, his beauty, like Arjuna.
It should have been Arjuna, who brought Krishna to this heaven on earth. It should have been Arjuna who held and kissed Krishna with love. It should have been Arjuna whom Krishna loved deep enough to defend after all these years.
Wait, no, what? What was he thinking? How could he think this of his friend?
It wasn't hard to accept that Krishna liked men. He would not think further.
He would not imagine himself in the position. He would not think of how it would be to hold Krishna's face close to his, close enough to count the the number of eyelashes and observe the colours swirling in his deep dark eyes.
Of how it would be to trace the bridge of his fine nose, steal kisses on his sensitive earlobes, to lick every line on his throat.
To kiss as though he were having a last drink from his plush lips as the world ended, to—
NO, Arjuna. Go To Sleep. Do Not Think.
"Did you sleep well?" Krishna inquired anxiously.
"Yes, it is quite a nice place. How were you able to sleep well here?"
"Well, it is not bad outside."
"Uh-huh. You will be sleeping inside tonight." Arjuna said nonchalantly.
Krishna looked up, surprised. "You do not mind sleeping with me inside?"
"No, why would I?"
When he saw Krishna fidgeting without responding, he reached across and patted his hand. "Why should anyone you sleep with be any of my business? If a man can sleep with two women, surely one of the people you sleep with being a man should be of no concern to me. Even if you sleep exclusively with men, why should I have a problem?"
Krishna was delighted. His happiness at being accepted by his dearest friend knew no bounds. He flung his arms around Arjuna.
Something worried the back of Arjuna's mind as they settled back down. "Who was he?"
"I… prefer not to say. He broke my heart really badly."
"You really loved him, huh?"
"Yes. Yes I did." Krishna's eyes gained a faraway soft look.
Arjuna suddenly wanted to demand the name out of Krishna so he could find and beat the person up who dared to break Krishna's heart.
It was normal. Avenging your friend's broken heart was normal.
But was fantasising about your friend like he did yesterday?
And the next moment, as if hit by a lightning bolt, he pieced the two thoughts together and he knew.
He knew that he was jealous.
He liked Krishna.
And he was jealous of the mystery man.
He got up in alarm.
"Arjuna?" Krishna looked concerned.
"I- uh, I just need to, you know, take a quick breather. I shall be right back!"
Krishna watched Arjuna's receding back, not fully convinced about the excuse he had just come up with. Oh, was what Arjuna said not what he really meant? Was he really bothered by it? Did Arjuna really say that just to make him feel alright, when in reality he hadn't thought of it well and when he did he found it wrong? Should he apologise? Should he hide this side?
Arjuna was glad to be alone with Krishna yesterday. If would be a wonderful excuse to spend more time with him, he had thought.
Yes, it would be good to spend time with your friend. Not your friend you're in love with, though.
This was fine. This was going to be fine. He was going to ignore this feeling, focus on not treating Krishna like a bad friend, and everything would turn out just fine.
Come on, Arjuna. You can do this.
"I am really worried. You just walked off– you do not need to make space for this in your head if you do not want to. I am… I can hide, that is what I have been doing so far, I am really good at it, you do not need to feel awkward because of me, just tell me what and I will–"
"I need you to calm down." Arjuna held Krishna by the shoulders. "I really just went for a breather, alright? You should not have hidden it all this time, you do not need to hide now. I really meant what I said, Krishna. Do not worry."
Krishna nodded.
"Okay, so," Arjuna clapped his hands, "what are we going to eat?"
"Wow. I did not realise this cave was so small." Krishna entered with his head bowed, looking at the limited place he and Arjuna were supposed to share. "Ow." He hit his hand as he stretched.
"It is quite small, I guess. But do not worry, we will fit." Arjuna went and sat down, patting the space beside him.
"Do you want the fronds to be left in place or pulled back?"
"It gets quite stuffy later. I would like them to be pulled back."
"I thought we would have a decent place to stretch." Krishna yawned as he laid down.
"Did you not realise it was small with your friend?" Arjuna tone had an acidic tinge to it for which he berated himself.
"I forgot." Was all Krishna replied. Arjuna's comment puzzled him, and he looked at him curiously.
"I am terribly sleepy. I am going to doze off." Arjuna hastened to not let thoughts linger on his slip in composure.
"Yes, I suppose I shall too."
They slept with their backs to each other. Arjuna could feel the heat emanating from Krishna's back, a wonderful relief from the cold breeze slowly creeping inside.
After a few moments, it grew really chilly. Arjuna tried to surreptitiously move closer to the faint heat he felt behind, till he heard Krishna's voice.
"I thought you said it gets stuffy." The whispered voice sounded much too close for comfort to Arjuna, close enough to ghost the nape of his neck. He quickly struggled to turn around to avoid feeling self-conscious.
His haste led him to suddenly be mere inches from Krishna. He could see the colours churning inside the depth of Krishna's eyes, a chaos of brown, black, golden, green. His delicate nostrils quivering with every deliberate breath he took. His kundala (which he remembered having gifted Krishna the previous summer) flickering brightly as rich black tendrils of Krishna's hair fluttered in the breeze. His beautiful lips slightly parted, almost calling out to Arjuna to clash against them.
"Well?" He could see the lips move, but so intoxicated was he by their movement that he did not hear what they said.
He did hear when Krishna burst into a pealing laughter after a few moments. He shook his head as if to shake out the drunkenness.
"Like what you see?" Krishna inquired playfully, a perfectly shaped eyebrow arched upward and pearly teeth biting into the velvet of the bottom lip. It made Arjuna go almost mad.
"Come on, Krishna." He managed to sound exasperated when he very much wanted to tell Krishna how much he liked what he saw. With his tongue.
Krishna stopped laughing and said, "we should really let the fern screen drop, should we not?"
"We should."
"Well?"
"I really do not want to get up right now."
"Me neither." And Krishna stretched him arms, inviting Arjuna into the delicious warmth between them. Arjuna shuffled with a grumble and wrapped his arms around the lithe body, and shivered as Krishna's lanky limbs closed around his bare back and they suddenly were flush against each other.
This was the first time Arjuna had been this close to Krishna. Their hugs lasted for five seconds or less. He tried to inhale as much of his scent as possible.
Krishna smelled of sandalwood. Krishna smelled of the damp earth after the first shower of rain. And most strongly, Krishna smelled of the parijataka. Arjuna was surrounded, engulfed, overwhelmed with it.
And instead of making him uncomfortable, it was strangely calming, soothing. Krishna's faint breath in the crook of his neck assured him of a peace he did not understand but which he did not need to question. He quickly fell asleep.
For some reason, Krishna could not sleep. He was extremely aware of Arjuna's strong fingers on his back, the smooth expanse of Arjuna's back under his, and the taut muscles of his abdomen moving with every breath beside Krishna's. But he managed to breathe calmly so as to not disturb him.
As Arjuna's erratic breath on his shoulder smoothened out, Krishna waited for a few minutes before he gently unlatched their arms from around each other and turned to look at Arjuna's face.
The scar on Arjuna's temple spoke very much about his valour, and so did the just below his opposite ear. His mouth was a thin line, calculating even in his sleep. After separating from Krishna, his breaths became once more irregular.
Despite himself, Krishna smiled.
Oh, how he wanted to make Arjuna relaxed. The poor dear was always so taut like the string of his favourite bow, carrying expectations and hopes and dreams on his shoulder. Always exhausted, but never complaining. Krishna wanted to be mad at him, for being such an ideal person who people always looked upto but never cared for.
Not like Krishna.
He knew Kunti and Panchali and the rest of the Pandavas, and he knew that they cared about him. But he always felt that they cared about him because he was an obedient son, a valiant brother, and a husband. He suspected they loved him because he fulfilled their standards, not despite.
Unlike Krishna.
Arjuna could be the complete opposite of what he is now and Krishna would still care about him.
Arjuna could raise hell to overlord over the heaven and Krishna would still care about him.
Arjuna could wreck Krishna himself and Krishna would still care about him.
He pressed forward to place a gentle kiss on Arjuna's frown lines, and was overjoyed when Arjuna immediately relaxed, the lines vanishing.
Oh, how he loved Arjuna.
There was a beat, and Krishna suddenly went cold.
No. No, it could not be. Krishna did not– he could not– how– no, he cared about Arjuna. He was worried about Arjuna as a friend. Nothing else.
Nothing else.
Right?
His inner self cackled to him, who was he fooling? He did not know when the line crossed from respect to deep friendship to love, but it was long before. Longer than even these few months spent so intimately, which would have no doubt helped in Krishna fall even deeper into trouble.
He slowly detached himself from Arjuna and walked over quitely towards the entrance, and after walking past it, let the screen fall.
He dropped down on his knees next to the stream. He was ashamed to look at up at the patron of lovers, and instead gazed at the array of stars with the moon in the middle reflected by the clear water.
Arjuna woke up and Krishna was no longer by his side. Did he do something wrong? Did he say something wrong? No, he did not, he remembered that much.
He noticed the fern screen was closed. Was Krishna hurt? Was Krishna abducted? No, Krishna was brave warrior. Nothing wrong could befell him.
But then, did he– tell Krishna?
A cold panic gripped him and he rushed outside to find Krishna sitting near the stream with his chin resting on his knees. He stood for a moment to admire the moonlight illuminating Krishna's elegant features before he walked cautiously towards the figure hugging himself.
Krishna whirled around when he heard footsteps. "Oh, Dhananjaya. Why would you be awake?"
"Why would you?" Arjuna knew it sounded like a whine, he did not care.
"I could not sleep."
"Well, you could have told me."
"By waking you up? Definitely not."
Arjuna merely huffed as he plopped down beside Krishna.
"No, Arjuna. You should go back to sleep."
"Well, I will only go if you come with me."
"And is there anyway I could persuade you to?"
"No." Arjuna crossed his arms and pouted like a child.
Krishna got up with a laugh and held out his hand, "come on, you stubborn mule."
Delighted, Arjuna grabbed it and they laughed as they ran inside holding hands, wasting no time in going back to how they were before.
As they sat facing each other, Arjuna commented, "the sky really is beautiful at night."
"Did I not tell you so?"
Arjuna made a face. "Anyways, I would not be opposed to sleeping out there tomorrow."
Krishna gave a soft laugh. "Then we shall."
Their eyes searched the others'. For what they did not know. Arjuna felt as though there was something right in front of him but he could not see it and nor could he touch it.
Krishna felt as if he went chasing something far away and looked back only to find it right where he had been standing in first place. He did not think much about it, he just nuzzled his face in the crook of Arjuna's shoulder again, and as he felt Arjuna's warm breath fan the back of his head again, sleep slowly drew him in.
Nothing more than the alluring smell of parijataka was needed to pull Arjuna back to sleep.
As they lazed about side-by-side in the evening sun about to disappear below the hill, Krishna's eyes gathered another faraway look. "He brought me here on our very second rendezvous, you know. We slept together for one night, and the next time we met, he dragged us out here."
Arjuna's mood changed from calm to furious faster than the passage of light. He did not let it show, though. He just gave a noncommittal hum and busied himself with uprooting the grass beside him, blade by blade.
"Why do you love him so much even though he broke your heart?"
"I am not saying that I love him anymore. I am just reminiscing our time together."
Arjuna gave a scoff disguised as a cough.
And before his brain could even begin to analyse the impact of the statement, the words were out of his mouth, "I was thinking of asking Subhadra for marriage." He did not where it had come from or what he was trying to achive by speaking that.
Krishna was shocked into silence.
Arjuna silently stared up at Krishna, whose mouth was hanging open in complete bewilderment. Seconds became minutes and it seemed as though those minutes became hours without Krishna having uttered anything and Arjuna waiting for him to respond.
"You." Krishna finally broke the silence. "You want to marry. You want to marry Subhadra."
"Yes."
"My sister, Subhadra. My little sister."
"Yes."
"While you still are married to my other sister, Panchali."
"She is not your sister by blood."
"She is no less dear to me."
The silence returned.
"Why do you even want to marry her, by the way?" Krishna asked dubiously.
"Why do people marry each other, Krishna? Because I feel attracted towards her. Because I have begun to fall for her."
"Bullshit." This was the first Arjuna had heard the latter use such a crude expression, and he looked up in astonishment.
"You have not even met each other for very long. You do not know her that well anyways. You are not the type of person to fall for someone without a deep connection. I know you."
"Well, Krishna, if you know me, you should know that I really do like your sister. I am ready to move heaven or hell for her. Ready to do anything."
"Are you, though? For her?" Krishna asked softly.
"Y-yes. I am."
Krishna gave a bitter smile. "Let us talk about this later, shall we?"
"Sure."
How wonderful, Krishna thought. He was in love with his dearest friend. No, Krishna was in love with his dearest friend, who was his sister's husband. And now, apparently, in love his dearest friend who was his sister's husband, who wanted to marry his other sister.
He could deny him the opportunity. He had the right, did he not, as Bhadra's elder brother? But what if Bhadra liked him too? He could be keeping apart two people who loved each other. That wouldn't be fair to his baby sister. Besides, he thought wistfully, Bhadra was not the type of person to let go of anything she desired easily.
But if they did her married, how would he cope with it? Then he thought with a twisted smile, what could he even do? Even if he and Arjuna were together, it was not like they could stay so. It was impossible for it to happen. So why to cry over something he can not have, either way?
"We are sleeping out tonight, are we not?" Krishna asked in a soft voice.
Arjuna replied, "yes, we are."
"I have to warn you, though, your back might become quite uncomfortable in the morning."
"I shall take the risk." Arjun replied with a tight smile.
As they sat down, Krishna gave a heavy sigh. "Arjuna, do you really love Subhadra?"
"Yes?"
"Does she love you?"
"I have not had the chance to ask her."
"Does Panchali know about your desire?"
"I– I honestly did not have the time nor the place to discuss about this with anyone other than you, Krishna."
"But if she loves you back, and Panchali consents, you are ready to take Subhadra as your wife?"
Arjuna hesitated for a second too long. "Yes." His statement did not carry the weight necessary due to the delay.
Krishna looked calculatingly towards Arjuna, but thankfully did not interrogate further, and instead laid down on the grass. It was not as soft as the moss in the cave, Arjuna noted, but it sufficed.
They laid in silence for quite a while, drinking up the beauty of the night sky. Then they talked about everything and nothing, just glad to be in each other's presence.
Then Krishna began in a dreamy voice, "you know, when we–"
"Let me guess – when you were together, he did everything for you. He was the most amazing lay you had ever had. He was the best person in the whole world. He was the best possible lover, confidante, friend you could have ever had. He even hung those fucking moon and stars in the sky for you to admire."
"What?"
"Oh please Krishna, since we've been here, you have done nothing but talk about this mystery lover of yours. So I thought I shall save us some time and list everything you possibly are going to say about him."
"Why does it bother to you so much?"
Arjuna gave a huff full of contempt.
"What is this, oh Dhananjaya?"
"Nothing. What was his name, anyway?"
"I do not know."
Arjuna was stunned into silence.
Krishna gave a sad smile. "Yes, that is right. I slept with him more times than I can count, and to this day I do not know what his name was. He was not a bad person. Who am I to deny him the love of my body only? He never explicitly told me we were each other's, I never demanded it. I do not blame his distance, even though I did not like it."
"What name did you use then? In your– thoughts."
Krishna contemplated before answering. "I shall tell you, but on one condition. You shall tell me, quite honestly, why you picked up this fight."
"I—" Arjuna knew in this moment that either everything was going to hell, or…
"I inquired because I'm jealous of him, because your constant talk about him fills me with rage. I inquired because want to bash his head, whoever it was, not only as your friend, but because someone who played with your heart and then threw it away like a used toy deserves punishment. I inquired, Krishna, because I am in love with you, and because I wanted to know, do you love me back?"
Krishna looked at him for a few moments, a genuine smile lighting his face, a single tear escaping from its confines and rushing down on Krishna's smooth ebony cheek. "I thought you loved Subhadra."
"No, I do not. You do know me, Krishna. I do not fall in love so easily."
"You are talking about Bhadra, are you not?" Krishna asked with a humorous tone.
"No, Krishna. It was you. It was always you."
Krishna gave a delightful smile.
"You did not uphold your end of the deal." Arjuna pouted.
There was a beat where Krishna's mischievous smile turned genuine.
"Parth." Krishna whispered, "I called him Parth."
…Or everything was going to work out fine.
Under the stars, Arjuna and Krishna finally met. It was not hasty. It was perhaps years in the making, yet it was not rushed.
As Krishna pulled Arjuna on his lap, the archer softly tucked away Krishna's stray locks behind his ear and pressed a gentle kiss to it, which Krishna reciprocated just below Arjuna's jaw.
They looked deeply into each others' eyes before their lips met in a kiss to be envied by Kama himself.
As Krishna kissed his way down Arjuna, occasionally using his tongue, there was no roughness, no rawness. This was not a primal activity, not something necessary to pave the way of their relationship further. Two souls which were made for each other did not need to be justified in physical ways. This was an act to satiate their bodies than themselves, a byproduct of and not a cause to their unity. As Krishna helped Arjuna to climax, Arjuna felt as though it was rather an ascension to heaven.
As Arjuna started to press his lips reverently on his chest, Krishna tipped his head back and looked at the bright lights dotting the only black sky, he wrinkled his nose. It was not full moon, and the stars were not aligned to indicate an auspicious time. But as Krishna gave a cry due to the sudden burst of euphoria owing to Arjuna, and saw himself reflected in the deep blue orbs of his eyes looking up to him with pure love, he knew it was a perfect moment transcending even what the stars could predict.
As they lay with their bare bodies pressed against each other few nights later, Krishna felt a contentment he did not know he could ever feel. As he sighed against Arjuna's shoulder, he felt the other snuggle even closer to Krishna. It made Krishna ask with a smile, "what is the matter, dear?"
"I feel embarrassed, Krishna. The moon has watched us for the past few nights. What would it say?"
"The moon, my love." Replied Krishna, pressing a kiss in his hair, "does not criticize."
"We should start our journey back, my dear." Krishna said in a flat voice.
"Oh." Arjuna's excitement, brimming a few moments previous, now suddenly dimmed. "I did not realise how much time had passed."
"It is easy to lose track in such a beautiful place." Krishna said with a small smile.
"And in such a beautiful company." Arjuna replied with a teasing smile and a soft kiss.
Krishna's smile grew genuine and he kissed Arjuna back.
As they travelled, neither of them spoke to the other about it nor did they think much themselves, but they could feel the society, the outside world, the future creeping upon them with the tick of a doomsday clock. Krishna's hand held tightly Arjuna's more than it ever had, and Arjuna held on to Krishna for dear life as they slept, afraid lest somebody might come and steal his muralimanohar away from him. Their touches and glances lingered ever so slightly more on each other.
The night they reached halfway on their journey, they halted under the shade of a huge banyan. Krishna tittered nervously as Arjuna took out the things necessary for the night, but so anxious was he that within seconds Arjuna found himself pressed down on the cold hard ground and Krishna kissing him with a furious desperation he had never seen before. He did not have time to react until he suddenly felt his cheeks to be warm and wet. He pulled Krishna back to see him crying.
Arjuna hugged Krishna tightly to his chest, and Krishna began sobbing. "It will be alright, Madhava. It is going to be fine–"
"No, it won't be!" Krishna wrenched himself back from Arjuna's grasp and looked at him with tear-ridden eyes. "Are you really naïve enough to think that still can be the same as we were there?"
"Obviously not. Still, maybe not in public, but behind the privacy of closed doors and windows–"
Krishna gave a delirious laugh so spontaneously that it alarmed Arjuna. "You know we can not." Krishna hugged him back again sobbed into his neck. "You know we can not."
"No. No." Arjuna was defiant. "We can. Yes, my love, we _can_, if we–"
Krishna placed a soft kiss, their usual patient kiss, on Arjuna's quivering lips. "Do not." He gave a twisted smile and touched their foreheads together.
And suddenly, it was Krishna who was pressed on his back and Arjuna's teeth that grazed the column of Krishna's neck possesively.
As they stood in the jungle on the outskirts of Dwarka, hot tears began cascading down Arjuna's face out of nowhere, and suddenly Krishna's face too was blotched. They hugged so tightly that it was as though they were urging their souls to come out and unite, so that they would not have stay apart.
As they parted, still clinging hopelessly to each others' arms, Krishna smiled arduously and looked deep into Arjuna's eyes. "You are my one true love, Arjuna. The position you hold in my heart was, is and will be inarguably higher than any of my kinsmen, relatives, or even the whole earth. Nothing will ever be more dear to my than you, oh Parth."
Arjuna felt many things. He felt happy for Krishna being in his life, as a friend, as a guide, as a lover. He felt exhilarated whenever he thought of the time they had spent together in that sacred place, Krishna's antics, their skirting around and pining after each other, Arjuna's petty jealousy, their hugs, their sleeping together, both platonically and otherwise, spending hours just looking into each other's eyes, keeping his head on Krishna's lap while he caressed his locks, Krishna's perfect features, the way he reacted to his touches, the way he came undone under Arjuna, and especially their kisses, these were the moments locked and kept deep inside Arjuna's vault of memories.
He saw the prospect of a future without Krishna looming menacingly over him, when he would be dragged down to cold hard reality from the heaven full of carefree love they had created for themselves, a reality where he would be mixed unnecessarily into the rivalry put up by his cousins, and where the love shown to him would be determined by how much he gave rather than who he was, a reality thoroughly unpleasant to him.
He felt a frustration and anger towards life, which had shown him a glorious paradise before ripping it away from him. He thought of it as the cruelest thing ever.
He wanted to say everything out loud. But no sound came out of his mouth except a choked sob. He simply could not say it. Yet, it did not matter, because – "we're one, Madhava." He said as he kissed Krishna passionately.
Their kiss was not rushed, there was no roughness, rawness to it. It was not an act of carnal pleasure, it was a pure declaration of their steady and everlasting love to each other. They parted slowly, and Krishna slowly opened his eyes to gaze into those of Arjuna.
Go, Parth, he spoke with them, or I shall whisk you away and you will never be able to return.
Would that really be so bad? Arjuna's eyes pleaded.
And Krishna's heart ached and his vision blurred, their contact breaking.
Arjuna stepped back, and before he could catch himself, he was rushing away into the afternoon.
Krishna's eyes on his back shouted for him to return, but Arjuna's did not meet his. So Krishna turned and walked resolutely towards the city.
Before he rounded the corner, he looked back, and overjoyed, found Arjuna to be doing the same. There was a beat where Krishna drank in his figure, and Arjuna seemed to be doing the same, before they both began to walk away at the same moment. Krishna wept at their synchronisation in breaking apart.
As he came out of the jungle and approached the city, the sudden openness brought a breeze which blew Krishna's hair back. His fingers lifted as if in habit to the diamond kundala gifted by Arjuna long before, and a sigh and a smile came upon his lips. He stood and clutched the kundala tightly till the stone digged into his palm, and did not sigh again.
When Arjuna reached back to Indraprastha, it was raining. He rushed towards their palace and found his mother, brothers and Panchali standing outside the doors, sure of his return after a year. Panchali stood with a tabak in her hand, she poured water on his feet, put tilak on his head, and rubbed sandalwood on the back of his palm, and he immediately moved forward to touch his mother's feet. He hugged her, glad to be back. He moved to touch his elder brothers' feet and to hug them. Their joyous faces upon seeing him made him very happy.
He went into his chambers, kept aside his weapons and changed his clothes, and somberly sat upon his bed looking at the rainfall decreasing slowly. Some time after the rain stopped completely, there was a knock on his door, and Panchali entered and much to his surprise, hugged him tightly.
"Krishna seemes to have done an excellent job of keeping you away from other women." She smiled upon him, but Arjuna's heart clenched.
"You have no idea." He gave a small laugh.
"Oh! I have to show you something. Come with me!" She exclaimed, and ran towards her chambers, and Arjuna followed out of curiosity.
She led him out towards her garden, and he found additions of great many flowers, trees and bushes he had not seen before. He looked at them indifferently, the rain having just brightened all of their colours making no impact upon him. Panchali led him towards a relatively shady area, and Arjuna's eyes suddenly sparkled. In front of him stood a richly blossoming parijataka with the most remarkable flowers he had ever seen.
"I asked for a sapling from Satyabhama, of her divine plant." A beaming Panchali spoke. "Of course, this is not the same, but it is quite similar, no?"
"It is beautiful." He said, staring at it fixedly. "Like you, Draupadi." He smiled down at her, and though he did not deny that she was pretty, he was most definitely not thinking of her.
She gave a scoff but he knew she was delighted. A flower began falling down, and she hastened to catch it before it touched the ground. "Here," she said, passing the delicate flower carefully into his hands.
He was suddenly hit with the smells of sandalwood, damp earth and parijataka, the beautiful scent of Krishna, and a sigh and a smile came upon his lips. He stood and took a deep breath till his lungs hurt, and did not sigh again.