Work Text:
December 23
“So…” Hanji stared at him. “What should I do?”
Levi watched the steam rising from the mug of tea in his hands. He’d heard her clearly–that she’d been offered a prestigious fellowship abroad, six thousand miles away. That it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
He’d already cursed himself for waiting as long as he had to confess his feelings for her.
They’d been childhood friends–sometimes frenemies–but his feelings for her had softened and matured in the many years since she’d left their small town to attend university in America. When his mother had died, when he’d gotten locked up, when all the world’s myriad cruelties and isolation weighed on him, Levi had thought back to the simpler times of his school days with Hanji. He’d constantly made fun of the resident science nerd in secondary school, but as an adult, the memories of her idealism and passion for life were some of the few good things he still believed in in this world.
So, five years ago, when she unknowingly walked into the café he’d opened in London, he had vowed to himself that he’d never lose her again.
Yet for all his inner romanticism, in those last five years, he had still barely been able to scratch the surface of expressing his feelings to her. This past summer, he’d finally eventually made some sort of confession–the booze-filled holiday had provided a convenient catalyst–but Hanji deserved so much more, and he still hadn’t been able to properly convey to her how finally being together had made these last six months the happiest ones of his entire life.
“Obviously, you should go”. He kept his eyes trained on the grey plumes of vapor dispersing upward from his tea.
A sort of half-whimper half-sigh echoed around the walls of the small room, followed by a heavy silence. “Yeah, I guess, right?” Her voice trailed off uncharacteristically.
Levi set the mug down on the table and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. His heart had sunken into his stomach. He wanted desperately to ask her to stay, but on what grounds? He knew her well enough to know that keeping her captive away from the most important research in her field would eat her up inside over time.
“You’ll come visit?” she asked. The tone was meant to be reassuring, but clearly neither of them put much stock in such a vapid fantasy.
Behind her, Levi’s old clock ticked away on the wall, cutting through the silence that followed.
“Tch…sure, four eyes”. By now, Hanji had strode around the coffee table and sat on the sofa beside him, trying to catch his eye. Levi gritted his teeth and steeled himself, turning to meet her gaze.
They were almost unnoticeable, the tears welling in the corner of Hanji’s eyes, but seeing them made Levi nauseous. She turned away as quickly as he’d noticed, pulling out her phone.
“Shit, uh…” she made an exaggerated gesture, pretending to scratch her nose. “I need to stop by the lab in the morning…I, um… I just need to tend to a few things, and the grad student left town yesterday…”
Levi reached over and clicked off the phone in her hands. “Just...stay at your place tonight. I’ll come by tomorrow”.
“Are you sure? It’s almost your birthday”.
Levi snorted. “Right, and a sleep-deprived girlfriend who smells like a homeless woman is just what I’d want…please just go home and take a shower”.
“Ok, ok…” Hanji laughed and leaned over to hug him.
Levi squeezed his eyes shut in their embrace, the familiar note of ginger mixed with the scent of her unwashed hair. He kissed her, and as she lingered catching his gaze, he could have sworn he saw the pain in her eyes, too.
But it was in neither of their nature to acknowledge it, and suddenly Hanji’s coat was in her hands, and her scarf wrapped around her neck. “See you tomorrow!”
He was already halfway to standing as she flew out into the staircase, the door clicking shut quietly behind her.
4:45pm, Christmas Eve
“DON’T GO!”
Levi woke up panting, a chill running down his spine along with beads of sweat. His arm was extended in protest, his right hand reaching for Hanji in the spot where she should have been lying in his bed. He sighed and raised his palm to his brow.
The room was dark, illuminated dimly by the orangish red glow of Christmas lights in the street below. His mind recoiled from the memories of the nightmare he’d just had: some fantasy world, both of them soldiers, and Hanji running off toward her death in grand fashion. It would be just like her.
He picked up his phone and squinted at the bright blue light.
PHONE
Hanji Zoë
2 Missed Calls
“Shit…”
How the hell had he slept all day like this?
MESSAGES
8 New Messages
Levi shook his head as he scrolled past the few early birthday texts to see the worried messages from his lover.
The darkness and silence of the apartment weighed on him, threatening to crush him in his bed. This would be his normal again once she’d gone.
He should respond. He should call. He should… Levi clutched at his pillow suddenly, burying his forehead in it as his chest heaved, gasping for air.
Ten minutes passed before his breathing slowed. He sat up slowly, watching his fingers turn red after the white-knuckled death grip with which he’d endured the panic attack. His chest ached.
He should head across town to her place like they’d agreed.
In minutes, he was pulling his coat over his shoulders on his way out the door. The cold air washed over his face like an ocean wave as he stepped into the street, and his shoes tapped out a solitary clack-clack as he marched briskly down the sidewalk.
As he turned toward the familiar underground station, something stopped him in his tracks.
It was Christmas. It was his birthday. She was the one person he loved more than anything in this world. Why was he standing here, not rushing to her side?
It’s just pretending.
No matter how it felt to be with her tonight, to open gifts with her tomorrow, it wouldn’t change the fact that she was leaving.
Levi felt the panic rising in his chest again and looked around desperately.
In the streets, more than a few stragglers were headed home, bags bouncing in their arms with the last bounties of the Christmas shopping season.
He took one step forward, then another, letting the small crowd carry him forward.
Shops were beginning to shut down, but loud holiday pop songs still streamed out of a few bars and restaurants where friends and family celebrated together in the warmth. Overhead, stars and angels and dangling icicles of whites, greens and blues danced in the rising wind. Levi remembered the way the colors had looked on Hanji’s glasses when she’d dragged him out here last year to find a gift for her boss. He’d scowled back then, but his heart nearly leapt out of his chest when she grabbed his hand, pointing up excitedly at the rows of lights arranged above them to mimic the colors of the aurora.
At the corner of his eye, a solitary tear began to burn against his skin, and before long, Levi’s typically icy countenance was beginning to melt under the warm lights overhead. With each block he passed, the tears began to flow harder, until he found himself pulling out his phone, hiccupping as he automatically swiped toward the contact.
Don’t.
He wanted so badly to beg her to stay.
Don’t!
Levi stopped, and leaned his back against a bright and cheery window display. As he swiped the app closed, he saw Hanji’s face on his home screen, her nose bright red and her glasses foggy in a big puffy jacket, grinning cheerfully as she pointed to the giant iceberg behind her.
He couldn’t ask her to stay for him. Even if it meant his own misery, it would be worth it to know she was living out her dreams.
A sudden gust of wind burned the tears on his face like icy fire. The river, right… Somehow he’d walked all the way down to the bridge.
Levi coughed hard; his asthma would be punishing him for this imprudent long night walk. But the sound of the wind on the water helped him to cling to something in his pain. A few hardy pedestrians rushed down the stairs past him as they hurried off the bridge, but Levi pushed forward toward the middle, where the icy breeze would anchor him against the incessant painful thoughts that were flooding his mind.
Levi slowed his breath, giving the air a chance to warm in his lungs, as he walked forward and looked out across the city. One soul, even more foolish than himself, perhaps, stood up there as well, facing away from him and clutching her coat at her sides in the cold. Levi swore under his breath and turned to face the opposite way. He didn’t need one more person to see he’d been crying.
“Levi?!”
Shit!
He ran a gloved thumb quickly under both of his eyes as he turned to see Hanji running to close the distance between them.
“Levi, where have you been?!” The heat from her panting breath rose in ample clouds as Hanji came to a stop before him. He stood still, his chin shivering in the cold, and for a moment he wondered whether his jaw had frozen too stiff to speak. “Are you–”
“Don’t go”.
The soft din of city sounds filled the silence between them, and in the distance a siren grew louder and then faded away.
“Or…fuck–” Levi looked down at the ground and then back to her as the tension grew. “Or, take me with you. I–” He turned away finally, unable to face her. “Just… I don’t want this to end”.
“But…last night, you—”
“Hanji”. Levi remained facing away from her, seemingly unable to bear whatever he was about to say. “I love you”.
A gust of wind shrieked past them, and Hanji remained silent.
Levi sighed. “You know I’m shit at talking about stuff like this”.
Hanji took a step toward him. Although she’d been in love with him nearly as long as she could remember, she was too smart to let herself assume that their dating had meant anything more than good sex with an old friend. She’d been holding her breath all this time, afraid to let herself believe that there was a chance he might feel the same.
Levi remained facing away, looking out over the river. Of all the possible things Hanji could say right now, there was only one that could soothe his heart in this moment, and what were the chances of that?
“Like… love love?” Her voice was hesitant.
Levi sighed. Now that he had said it, it wasn’t as hard to tell the whole truth. “Since before you came back”, he admitted.
“Why…” Hanji’s voice was faltering now, as though she was about to cry. “All these years?”
Fuck .
Levi turned to face her, composing himself again, and reached for her hand to offer a small bit of reassurance. He would apologise, would let her go her own way, would make it easier for her however he could.
But as he did, Hanji grabbed his hand and looked at him smiling. “Levi…this whole time? We’ve felt the same this entire time??”
The tiniest smirk appeared on his lips, and with his other hand, Levi pulled Hanji’s chin down into a passionate kiss.
From somewhere across the bridge, a rogue set of fireworks sizzled and popped overhead.
“Wow!” Hanji exclaimed, transfixed.
“Oi!” Levi frowned and started pulling her away.
“Leviii, come on, it's romantic!”
“The Uber’s 5 minutes away and there are plenty of stupid brats with fireworks in your neighborhood anyway”.
“But…”
Hanji laughed and jogged a little to catch up with him.
“You know I ended up not having time for a shower today after all”
“You’re disgusting”
“But you love me anyway”
“...I do”.