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In hindsight, he shouldn't have bought roses. He could already see Ritsu in his mind's eye, throwing them directly at him. He could already hear the yelling, could already feel his heart bleeding in his chest. This was the last thing he wanted, but there was one thing that overshadowed every other feeling - Rei loved Ritsu, as a man felt for his lover, as a boy felt for the one he liked, and as a brother loved his family.
In the beginning it was taboo and fun, a little secret they could keep together so their bond would strengthen. One to hush to each other under covers, to share in looks when they were around their friends. It was exciting and fulfilling, a relationship with the boy he loved that made him feel loved in return. He felt a rush every time Ritsu's hand brushed his, every time his dark eyes met his, every time he caught a glimpse of the nape of his neck and every time he licked his lips as he looked down at Rei's own.
But now Rei was asking for sex from behind, digging his face into the pillow so that he could hide his face; he was spending most of the night sleeping and leaving earlier and earlier. It made him sick once already, thinking of how badly he wanted to look up to Ritsu from beneath him and kiss everything he could reach. He wanted him so badly, all of him, all of him forever - but the undeniable truth was that they could never have a normal relationship no matter how badly he wanted one.
They could never be the couple that would hold hands in public. They could never get married. Rei could never once say out loud to anyone how Ritsu made him feel; how incredible his love was and how cute he was when he woke up early in the evening. How sweet he could be when he wasn't being a nasty little brother; how funny he was when he was insulting him.
The cold, hard truth was that their time spent growing together, sharing their lives together; it wasn’t like they were childhood friends. It wasn’t fate that they met thanks to, it wasn’t chance that put them together.
They were undeniably, visibly, fully family.
He was late. He didn't take his shoes off as he walked in. Rei announced that he was there, stood in front of his brother who sat on the bed in waiting, and stared sadly down at the roses.
"Ritsu... we need to speak to each other about something important."
Ritsu had known that it was disgusting from the beginning.
Little brothers shouldn't want their older brothers in the same way that he wanted Rei. Older brothers shouldn't want little brothers in the same way as Rei wanted him. These were things that he was aware of from the start. Things that made his skin crawl if he let his thoughts on them linger, or made him sick if he looked at them beyond the surface. The relationship that they'd cultivated together was disgusting, perverted, and wrong -- but it was theirs.
And yet, every night that they'd spent together provided Ritsu with equal parts comfort and disgust.
A soft blanket over his heart in the form of arms wrapped around him, soothing the anxious parts of his brain with hushed repetitions of phrases like I won't leave or I love you, some of which he was able to make himself believe. Alongside it was a gnawing ache in his stomach, and sickness that swelled within him, and shouts from mental voices that sounded vaguely like his friends damning him to hell for committing such unspeakable acts with one of the only people he'd ever nearly fully trusted.
He'd been sitting on this bed for nearly a full hour now. Ritsu had been debating on going back to sleep before his brother finally walked in the door. Despite the fact that he was relieved to see him, he didn't pick his head up from his phone, thumbing at the screen in an act of false defiance.
"Like about how you apparently don't know that 'one in the morning' doesn't mean nearly 'two'?"
Rei gripped the bouquet hard enough for his fingers to be sore behind the paper. "Yes, I suppose... I lost track of time cutting these for you. There weren't many that were beautiful enough and the flowers on this side of the city aren't quite in bloom yet."
That was mostly true. He wanted them to be beautiful - he truly did want the best for Ritsu. There was likely no one he would ever love the same way, with such intensity. His heart pounded in his chest both from the excitement of being alone in the room with him, but also with the adrenaline that was starting to race through his veins. It wasn’t going to be easy.
"I... do mean that we need to speak about what we're doing here, Ritsu. I don't want to keep it from you, nor do I wish to lie."
"What do you mean."
The false annoyance to his voice was gone, replaced by the harsher tone he'd learned to adopt when his brother started to get all flowery with his words. As pretty as it was to listen to, sometimes Ritsu wished he'd just be direct instead of ripping his sentences from a book of old poetry he found laying around their family house back home.
The subject of the conversation clearly more serious than he intended on tonight, Ritsu slipped his phone into his pocket as he adjusted himself into a better seated position. He locked eyes with the man in front of him, and he blinked.
Rei made sure to keep Ritsu's gaze for a moment but he found himself crumbling after that one blink. His shoulders fell, the bouquet shaking in his hands. He wasn't sure when to give them to him. He wasn't sure if he should. He should just throw the damn things away. Just like he was throwing away this opportunity.
"...I mean to say that... the way we are..." He closed his eyes, unsure of why they were already filled with tears. He could stop there, continue their relationship, and slap a bandage on what hurt. He could continue to love Ritsu, to revel in the obsession and give him the attention he deserved. But he loved him too much to want him to suffer through this anymore. "Ritsu, I am... so madly in love with you but I... don't think we should meet each other like this anymore."
You're leaving me.
Just like you promised you wouldn't.
Just like you told me, over and over again, that you would never do again.
The acid in his throat hurt much in the same way as the tears that stung his eyes.
Ritsu balled his hands into tight fists, the pressure of his blunt nails digging into his skin not nearly enough to quell his urge to hurt something. Anything. Not Rei himself for once, surprisingly, given how pitiful he looked... but something. Something to make him ignore the fact that he was closer to crying in front of his brother than he ever wanted to be.
"So you're breaking up with me."
He wanted to protest and even opened his mouth to do so for a moment. But he bit his tongue, looking away again to finally let a tear fall.
"I don't want to. But I need to think about what's best for you, because I love you, and I know... the best for you is not me. It's obvious it's not me. I’ve always known it wasn’t." Rei stepped closer, wishing he could just throw the flowers down and wrap his arms around his little brother and stop all of the pain in the world. He wished he could protect him from what hurt him, wished he could just shoulder the burden himself, but it was much too late to do so.He himself was the cause. Instead, he put them down next to him on the ground and got to his knees.
Not this time to do anything scandalous, only to be at his place beneath him. Because his old knees failed him. Because he didn't want to leave. If he was still at his feet, Ritsu would push him out. But here…
"I don't want to leave you, Ritsu." He choked on a sob now, knowing he couldn't look up at him. "I know you'll... think that's what this is, but I meant it when I said I wouldn't leave you. I don't want to throw everything away, I just... we can't sleep together anymore. You're my baby brother... you shouldn't be my lover and we both know that. Even if this is a world of dreams there will be consequences if we continue and I don't want anything to happen to you."
"...Get up, dumbass. Don't grovel at me."
There he was, back to his insults, back to hiding behind the things that made him safest.
Rei was always the more emotional one out of the two of them. A soft old man with an even softer heart, someone who couldn't bear to see things go wrong when they didn't have to. But in this case, they did have to. It wasn't as though what he was saying didn't make sense. Even if this was a world of dreams, their relationship was to come with consequences. The ostracizing from everyone they knew. The complete social exclusion if it was ever exposed. Not to mention being branded as people that nobody should ever be around for the rest of their lives.
Just because it made sense didn't mean it didn't hurt.
Halfheartedly, Ritsu nudged at Rei with his sock-clad foot, something that would have been a kick had all of his energy not been directed toward forcing himself not to cry.
"You said you weren't going to leave me again, and you fucking lied to me."
He nudged again, with barely more force than the first time he had. His arms hanging in fists at his sides rose to wrap around himself, squeezing the thick fabric of his sweater to avoid digging his fingernails straight into the skin of his upper arms.
"Get the fuck out of my way before I trample you."
He looked up at Ritsu so sadly, pitiful and lost. As though he didn't hear a single word. As though he could pretend that he hadn't been so, so hurt by what he heard. He almost regretted bringing it up at all, wondering if they could snap back time just a little and maybe he could hold him... one more time.
But it wasn't going to happen. They needed to be over. He needed to go. And Ritsu needed to have his hissy fit, and Rei needed to lock himself away in his coffin for a while.
Still, he didn't get up.
"I promised I wouldn't leave you. And I intend to keep that promise, Ritsu, please believe me, I’d never -"
If he had to hear him say that one more time, Ritsu was firmly convinced that he was going to be sick. He squeezed his hands harder into the fabric of his sweater, and he made it a point to stare at anything in this room that wasn't the not-human on the floor practically kissing his feet while begging for forgiveness. He was going to ignore the one tear that freed itself down his cheek, but he wasn't going to ignore how much angrier it made him feel.
"How am I supposed to believe you when you've lied twice now. The only difference is that you're not going anywhere physically this time."
He'd kill Rei with his bare hands if he pointed out how his voice cracked.
"Get out of my way, anija."
"Are you leaving me?" Rei asked plainly, very little emotion in his voice as he stared at the floor.
"I don't want to go. But with how happy everyone is around us, with the marriages and the parties and the... Ritsu, I can't give you what anyone else in the world could. I want you to be safe. I want... to try and be a good big brother. I know it's too late to truly be good, because I..."
He paused, not looking up to see if Ritsu was going to hit him or whatever it was he may do.
"I don't regret this. I don't regret you." He stayed where he was. "...just go around me if you must. My old bones won't let me get up now that I've fallen."
It didn't matter if his intentions were good. Rei's intentions were always good. He always wanted to be a good older brother, and Ritsu was no longer so clouded by his ignorant youth that he was unable to see that. But it didn't matter. What mattered was that every single time that he tried to make decisions on Ritsu's behalf, he only ended up hurting them both.
"I know, okay?! I know, so just. Just shut up and stop groveling at me, stop crying , stop- just. Stop."
He wasn't going to cry. He refused to cry. If he was going to start, it'd only make Rei worse, and he'd never hear the end of it. Regardless, he squeezed his arms harder, and he took in a breath that was too sharp to be mistaken for anything other than one of a man who was clearly crying and refusing to admit it.
Ritsu would have reached down. He would have pulled Rei up himself, and forced him to stand on his feet like the older brother he was supposed to be. But he forced himself to curb that urge in exchange for toeing past him, making a nearly silent beeline to collect his shoes from the doorway.
"I know that you want what's best for me. That doesn't mean I have to feel good about it." He spat his words at the floor. "That doesn't mean I have to believe you, either. Stupid."
Though he turned his head, Rei wasn't able to look at him. "I... I know. It's hard to trust a man who's only ever disappointed you. I know I don't deserve any of your affection, anyhow."
He wasn't able to move. Only to sit, pitiful, on the ground.
Unsure of what exactly to do from there.
"Didn't I tell you to shut up?"
Ritsu'd had enough, at this point. Enough of listening to the self deprecation, enough of the tears, enough of this whole god damned ordeal.
He slipped his feet into his shoes roughly, not giving a single fuck about how his toes jammed into the front or about how his soles crushed the backs. He simply turned himself around, returning to the spot he'd previously stood, but making sure to nudge the sniveling lifeform on the floor just a little bit rougher as he did so. Ritsu said nothing as he untangled his arms from where they'd been holding onto his arms, and said even less as he grabbed his older brother by the shoulders and made an attempt to forcefully pull him upwards.
He was done. He was done with this shit.
Disgusting.
He was such a put together man; mature and well-spoken. He was educated and passionate and desirable. But at the moment Rei felt so small, so weak, far from the sexy and strong persona he showed to the rest of the world. He was skin and bones, so easy for someone to manhandle and drag to his feet.
He didn't speak. He still couldn't look Ritsu in the eye.
A single, pitiful sob racked his body.
"Shut up."
How many times was he going to repeat himself? Until he was red in the face, most likely. His arms shook as he kept his hands planted firmly on Rei's shoulders, and his nails dug into the covered flesh they'd made contact with. Ritsu was unsure of what his next course of action was. He wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to throw Rei into the wall, if he wanted to shake him, if he wanted to grab him by his hair and pull so hard that it gave him a reason to be blubbering the way that he was.
He wanted to hit him. He wanted to shut him up. He wanted to feel his fist collide with the jaw of the man who he didn't want to let go of.
Instead, Ritsu yanked him forward into an awkward, aggressive hold. Maybe it was to throw him onto the bed, to get him out of the way so that he could finally get out of here instead of continuing to be in an environment that was only serving to turn his stomach.
Maybe it was because he wanted to provide comfort, but he had no fucking idea how.
"Stop crying already, for fuck's sake."
Finally, with some sort of strength, Rei wriggled partially free from Ritsu's hold and at least held him back with one arm. It gave him enough time, enough of a snap back in reality to at least suck up the tears he'd shed. To at least keep him from sobbing any more than he had begun to.
He was a pitiful, sad man - long atoning for his sins in his first life and now understanding why he was suffering so. He truly was flawed, tainted, poisoned from within. It wasn't just the disease, it wasn't just the way he'd let so many of his friends fall... there was so, so much wrong with the boy he couldn't begin to count the ways.
One of which was how difficult it was to keep him from stealing one, final kiss.
From his own brother.
The only thing that stopped him was the knowledge it was too late for that. It was far too much to ask.
"...I'm sorry. You shouldn't see me like this."
"Yeah, I shouldn't. And you're forcing me to look at it anyway."
At least he'd finally stopped. Ritsu'd chalk that up to the only win that the two of them'd had this evening.
He wanted, so badly, to melt into the warmth of the one arm that was now wrapped around him. At the same time it made his throat burn, made him more eager than ever to break free from the hug he'd inadvertently formed in order to leave this place once and for all. The hands that'd been so tightly gripping Rei's shoulders now fell to grab fistfuls of his clothes, squeezing them tight in his fists just as he'd done his own, using them to distract himself from becoming a similar blubbery mess like that'd help either of them.
His eyes met the flowers on the ground.
In an act of weakness, Rei pressed his forehead against Ritsu's. He had to stop himself from kissing him, had to stop himself from trying to wrap his arms back around him. But he was able to, and he was able to remember who he was and what he was doing in the moment.
He was breaking up with his brother. The thought made him sick again, but it broke his heart, too - the sign that this needed to be over.
"You don't need to take the roses with you if you don't want them. But maybe you should go home, Ritsu."
"Keep your fucking flowers."
He hated it. He hated how nice, how comforting it felt for their foreheads to be resting together. How comforting even a one-armed hug felt. He hated how he wanted to stay here, he hated how he wanted to leave, he hated every single conflicting feeling that rose up from his stomach and cemented itself as a burning knot in his throat.
Ritsu gave Rei's clothes one last squeeze, tight and full of anger, before he adjusted himself in order to push his older brother roughly to the side and out of his way.
And with that, he took off -- straight out the door without a word, wrapping his arms around himself in a last ditch attempt at self comfort.
