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The moment the door shut, the silence that filled the car was deafening. Rei watched as the twins made it inside, with Kanata patting both of their heads and closing the door behind them. Both Yuuta and Hinata were safe, they were home. And they were with someone more than capable of both understanding the way they'd need to cling to one another to each other and of protecting them if anything else tried to ruin their night.
He put the car back into drive a few moments later, turning out of the driveway and back onto the road.
"...your hair's gotten long," he attempted to make some sort of small talk. He hadn't seen Ritsu in two months at that point, and it seemed he hadn't been taking care of himself - kidnapped or not. He was worried, as a big brother should be. It wasn't like it was a bad thing either, not with the way the Sakuma curls began to twirl at the base of his neck. It was endearing, really, and it wasn't as though he looked bad, all things considering.
They had so much to speak about. He could've brought up anything, but instead of bringing up anything that may hurt him, Rei went with what would be easiest. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with it so long."
Ritsu didn't necessarily want to talk.
Not about what had happened, not about the small things, not about anything. It didn't feel right to talk right now, but it wasn't as if anything felt right right now. Not with the way the stench of death clung to him, with the way the remnants of Tsukasa's corpse were still smeared across the front of his sweater. Not with the way he was still grappling with the knowledge that he'd drained another person of their life in front of so many people -- so many people who now knew him as not only depraved and disgusting, but as the downright monster that everyone had always playfully skirted around him actually being. If he didn't find something else to focus on, Ritsu could almost still taste the metallic twinge of blood in his mouth, and it only served to fuck up his feelings even more.
He didn't want Rei to continue speaking. He didn't want to be prodded and poked into talking any more. But he didn't want Rei to stop speaking, because at least his voice would fill the emptiness left both within him and physically within the car. In order for Rei to continue speaking, however, he knew that he would have to speak back. Ritsu knew his brother like the back of his hand. If he didn't say anything back, he would start pleading. And he really didn't think that he could handle pleading right now. They hadn't seen each other in so long, he really didn't want one of their first conversations to be Rei expressing his concerns in an endless loop.
Ritsu tightened his arms across his chest in an effort both to comfort himself and to bring himself out of his thoughts.
"... Been too tired to cut it." That was a lie. Who cared. "It looks weird like this."
"No, it doesn't look weird." He didn't look at Ritsu, of course, as he fixed his eyes on the road properly. He had precious cargo and he wasn't about to allow Ritsu one more horrible thing to happen before he was safely back home. "You almost look older with it like this."
Rei gripped the steering wheel hard enough for his knuckles to turn white. It's because you look even more like me.
"On second thought, perhaps it would be for the best to cut it. Would you allow me to when you are cleaned up and safe at home?"
He was at a stop light and looked over at him finally, his eyes dragging innocently over the poor boy's frame. Ritsu never looked so tiny, so frail, but somehow he looked so good. Rei knew, unfortunately, that the color in his brother's cheeks and the intensity of his eyes were because of the life he'd just taken. He could smell two different peoples' blood on him, and it wouldn't take a genius for him to put it all together.
Ritsu had walked out of the building holding the corpse of a close friend, and another had carried out the corpse of a boy who was drained of his color completely. There had been so much commotion, so much screaming, and too many flashing lights for them to remain at the scene for longer than necessary. He hadn't asked questions. He wasn't going to.
Rei took his foot off of the brake and put it back on the gas, looking away from him. Knowing his eyes were all too heavy.
It seemed as though they had shared a similar thought. Ritsu knew that growing his hair out made the two of them look much more similar. Looking similar made him even more of a target for the vitriol that was regularly spat at the two of them in public. The potential of being mistaken for his older brother only increased the potential of people on the streets wanting to start fights with him, or call him names, or whatever they were going to do. It wasn't like it mattered to him anyway. He'd rarely left the apartment since the news had come out, anyway. He hadn't put forth the effort to cut his hair for that reason. It didn't matter if he looked like Rei if no one was there to see him.
"If you want."
Ritsu dug his fingernails into his arms, his act of comfort contorting into one of distraction instead.
He tried so hard to focus on the scenery scrolling by him through the windshield.
Count the trees. Trace the powerlines.
Do everything in his power to ignore the remnants of his dead friend staining his clothes.
Do everything in his power to try to forget the way that Leo wailed, the way that Izumi sobbed in a way that he'd never seen him sob before, the way that Arashi's body shook as she collapsed into pieces alongside people who could only hope and pray for a chance of keeping her together.
He dug his fingernails in harder, and he squeezed his eyes shut as they brimmed with tears. He wanted so badly to focus on the small talk that his brother was trying to make, but what did it matter? What he really wanted to do to was to yell at him and tell him to fuck off, that the length of his hair didn't really matter anyway, that nothing really mattered anyway because people were dead, because Tsukasa was dead, because he killed somebody, because-
Because what began as a small hiccup very quickly barreled straight into a disgusted, wretched sob.
One Ritsu tried desperately to muffle by throwing his arm over his face, though it helped none.
The floodgates had opened far too early, much too soon. He was hoping to at least be stopped by the time Ritsu started crying, to be able to carry him inside and help him to the shower before he fell apart. But who could blame him - Ritsu was holding it together so well for being someone who had just lived through something so traumatic. Rei pressed the gas a little harder, staying calm but feeling the urgent need to get his brother away from any eye that may possibly see him. Be it someone they pass on the road, or a neighbor; no one needed to see him cry the way Rei knew he was about to cry.
Maybe appearances didn't matter too much in this world, maybe they no longer fit in even a little anymore. But Rei would refuse to let anyone see, refused to do anything but protect the one he loved above anything else.
He did the only thing he could think to and reached out a hand, placing it on the arm that hung over Ritsu's face. As though it would help him at all.
But it wasn't enough. There was a desperate cry coming, and there would be nothing to stop it. He pulled to the side of the road when it was safe to do so, put the car in park, and undid his seatbelt. He pulled the arm of his chair up and lunged at Ritsu, covering him entirely in an embrace meant only to protect him. He would let him fall apart, of course he needed to fall apart, but he wouldn't let him do so alone. Not again.
"Ritsu, I'm here with you. You're safe now. I promise."
And fall apart, he did.
In Rei's embrace, Ritsu shattered into pieces.
He coughed, he wheezed, he sputtered like a child as he let himself fall apart in the only place that he had felt truly safe in ages. The wails that left him sound foreign; they were sounds that he didn't even know that he could make , let alone make so loudly. His body shook with the intensity of his sobs, the cries so hard that he almost felt as though they were tearing his throat. Desperately, he clung to Rei, only managing to stick a few small, strangled onii-chans in the gaps wherein he should have been breathing.
Every light was too bright, every sound was too loud, and none of them compared to how bright the firing of the gun had been, or how sharp the gasp that would be Tsukasa's last echoed in his mind. None of it matched how heavy the guilt weighed in his chest. so overwhelming that he felt like it would make him sick if the crying didn't.
He was so afraid.
He was so afraid.
Ritsu had lost a friend. Ritsu had lost the person that he'd thought that he was. He'd lost them both in the span of less than two days.
"Don't leave me," He cried, the syllables distorted through his sobs. "Don't leave me, please don't leave me, I'm scared."
His heart, though it had shattered so long ago, ached in Rei’s chest. His arms held Ritsu gently, but firm, at an awkward angle but they engulfed him completely. "I won't leave you. I promise. I'll protect you, I'll never leave you again, I..."
Rei cried too, unable to stop himself. Ritsu's grief was so palpable and raw that it permeated through his tears into Rei's skin, squeezing his chest. He tried to calm him down after a few minutes, petting his hair and whispering little promises into his ear.
"But let's... get you home, Ritsu. We'll get you out of those clothes and cleaned up, and... I'll stay with you. I won't leave you anymore." He pulled away, still running a hand through his hair. "And I'll cut this, you'll feel more like yourself."
He pulled away, regret on his face but they were still on a decently busy road and Rei needed to get his brother home. Rei pushed the armrests back down and buckled himself in. But he offered a hand after the car was put back into rive. "I'll stay as long as you need, whether it be for the night or until we leave. I swear it." He bit back the promise to give him a stake to push through his heart if he went back on that word. It wasn't appropriate to bring up death anymore, no matter how seriously he felt about that.
Even after Rei had pulled away from him, Ritsu continued to cry. Unable to fully stop himself, he rubbed at his face uselessly with the sleeve of his sweater. Getting themselves home was the priority now, and getting themselves home meant that Rei actually had to drive instead of hold him. As much as neither of them wanted to let go. He settled for taking the hand that had been extended to him, absently lacing their fingers together as he rested his head against the cool glass of the window.
Every sniffle and rub of his eyes made Ritsu acutely aware of just how exhausted he was. For someone who was so used to sleeping a majority of his life away, he hadn't slept at all in what was certainly days --- tack that on to the list of reasons that he felt like absolute shit, he supposed. Not that he thought he'd be able to sleep at home, anyway. He was beginning to doubt that he'd ever sleep again. If the memories didn't keep him awake, he was almost certain that the guilt would. Nevertheless, he struggled to keep his eyes open as they continued their drive, giving Rei's hands the gentlest squeeze both for his own comfort and to assure his brother that he hadn't completely passed out. Though at this point he was sure that that might've been preferable.
As his building came into view, Ritsu had half a mind to demand that his brother carry him up to his apartment. But he was too tired to demand, properly, as he normally would have. He was too empty to put up the false-bitchy facade. He reached his free arm up to rub at one of his eyes, now gone red and raw from both the crying and subsequently wiping. They ached. Everything ached, now that he thought about it. He desperately wished that he could stop thinking about it.
"... -nii-chan." His voice was scratchy and quiet, almost timid. "Can you carry me?"
If it hadn't been directly after a kidnapping , if it hadn't been directly after Ritsu had killed someone, he would've smiled. Rei would've perked up, teased him a little. Instead he just nodded, unbuckled and got out of the car. He opened up Ritsu's door and helped him out of the car, picking him up just as he requested.
"I've never been here," Rei muttered, just enough for Ritsu to hear. "You'll have to punch in the code to get us in, but I won't let you down."
Ritsu was much heavier than he remembered; but it was likely because he was dead weight this time around. He wasn't happy to be carried. He wasn't doing... what they were doing the last time Rei had him in his arms so closely. It wasn't a sweet princess carry that he'd heckle the boy for.
His little brother was completely void of the will to live. It was a miracle they made it, a miracle that he was coherent enough to help him inside. But Rei wasn't going to let him suffer, not anymore.
Once he was picked up, Ritsu felt himself go slack. At any other point he wouldn't have been caught dead requesting something like this. Something that he was certain would have lit Rei up with that same sick glee that it usually did whenever Ritsu 'gave in' to his brother's deepest desires to coddle him as though he was still an infant. But he no longer had the energy left to support himself, and even if he had , he wasn't necessarily sure he would have used it. He didn't want to. He didn't want to do much of anything that wasn't be held or sleep. He wasn't even sure he wanted to be alive right now.
"When we're inside, would you like me to call for Isara-kun?"
Luckily, even suspended in Rei's arms, he was at an alright enough height to press the numbers into the keypad to allow both of them access.
The question, however, gave him pause.
Ritsu blinked slowly a handful of times as he thought.
He did want Mao. He always did. Both Mao and Rei were nearly equivalent in terms of the comfort that they provided him, and both of them were equally skilled in dealing with him in states that were not as bad as, but similar to this one. But the thought of bringing Mao over just to watch the poor boy fret while watching Ritsu act as far away from his normal self as possible hurt him somewhere deep. That was the thing about Maakun -- he worried , and he worried hard , and he had grown into a habit of mothering when he started to get nervous. Which, in truth, wasn't all too dissimilar from the way that Rei was already acting.
Like a brick, the thought smacked him upside the head:
What if you can't control yourself around him? You've already bitten him, so you know he'd let you. And you want more of it, don't you? You disgusting, inhuman-
Despite his actual want, Ritsu shook his head, maybe a little bit too quickly for it not to be a cause of concern.
"No. Maakun can come over tomorrow. ... I just want to go to bed."
That seemed peculiar, but Rei wasn't going to fight him. He nearly frowned, obviously confused by the immediate refusal but with no desire to push him farther than he already had been by the rest of the night's events. That was alright.
He'd be the one to clean him up, to put him to bed, to listen to the cries. It's what he wanted anyhow. Not exactly like that, but it was exactly what he promised to be if the need ever presented itself. He was the person RItsu could turn to, and he would be until he perished.
He carried him inside, settling him down onto the couch and took off his jacket. "...it sounds like we've been beaten here. Perhaps we should stay on the couch, is that alright?"
He hung it up pleasantly, taking his own shoes off and returning to Ritsu. He got to his knees onto the ground, reaching up to lovingly brush a stray hair out of his eyes. "I'll go to your room and get you new clothes, and a washcloth to wipe the blood away. Do you need anything else? Something warm to drink?"
There were a lot of things that he needed. A shower, for instance, would probably be preferable to just a wash cloth. However, there was no way in hell that he had the energy to keep himself upright to take a shower, and the thought of taking a bath in the dirt of dead friends was enough to make his stomach swirl. He probably needed to eat something, because he hadn't eaten in days. He probably needed to drink something for that exact reason as well. Everything seemed too difficult, though, even with his brother wanting to help him every step of the way. Eating and drinking felt almost pointless. Showering felt almost pointless. Now that he'd been laid on the couch, he didn't want to move from it unless he had to.
"... Okay." Ritsu pressed the heel of his palm against one of his eyes. As pointless as it felt, he probably should try to put something in his body. Maybe it would help to rid him of the metallic taste that felt like it was still clinging to the inside of his mouth. "... Tea stuff's above the sink."
He waited for Rei to walk into the other room before he called out again.
"... Nacchan's not coming home tonight. You're hearing things."
An invitation. The couch was nice, but not as nice as his bed. And if he were going to move to his bedroom, he wasn't going to want to do so alone.
Rei'd just started pouring hot water over the tea leaves as the realization of what Ritsu was asking for hit him, not processing for several minutes. He left the tea on the counter to steep, gliding into what was obviously Ritsu's room to grab him clothes that looked comfortable enough.
He came back once he was equipped with everything he'd promised, he placed the mug next to him and motioned for Ritsu to raise his arms.
"Once you're a little more comfortable, I'll carry you to bed." He paused as he lifted the shirt over Ritsu's body, then grabbed at the washcloth to rub at his chest. How the blood soaked so deeply down though it smelled old and... much more familiar than the other blood did bothered him, meaning it was Suou's. Meaning that Ritsu could likely smell it just as well as he could.
"Do you want to speak about it now that we're alone?" He asked, not expecting anything to come of it. Expecting a no. "You lost a friend. You don't need to speak now, but... if you would like to, my ears are just as much yours as my shoulder."
No. Really, truly and honestly, Ritsu didn't want to talk about it.
He didn't want to talk about anything that he'd been forced to see for the past couple of days. He didn't want to relive Tsukasa's death more than he already was. He didn't want to think about how his brain had all but shut off as he'd willingly sunk his teeth into a dying boy's neck in a room full of people that would never see him the same again. He didn't want to think about the stoic look on the face of the one Rabits boy who was usually so loud that it would be annoying if he weren't so cute, or how Itsuki had broken down into a mess of terrified sobs when he didn't have his doll to help him cope. He didn't want to think about the chorus of coughs coming from the little twin who was definitely sick, or from the pink not-Ecchan's-baby who was definitely spitting up blood. He didn't want to think about how the one sex shop worker started hyperventilating when Nacchan had used the voice that made her feel safest, and how she was forced to speak in a tone that made the light leave her eyes just to keep some semblance of peace.
He didn't want to think about how Suuchan had been doing his absolute damndest to boost morale right up until he was shot in the back of the head.
He didn't want to think about any of it.
The washcloth against his chest was almost too much, and Ritsu would have shied away from it had he not thought better of it. Even if the sensation was too overwhelming for his already overstimulated brain, it was nicer to have the scent of blood wiped away from him. He didn't want to smell like death for one second longer than he had to.
Though the thought of filling the silence was attractive, Rei let the question linger. He didn't want to keep Ritsu's mind on terrible things for long, of course he wanted to cheer him up and lift away all of the bad - but it just wasn't going to be possible to move on without some sort of venting. And Rei hoped to be a safe enough space for Ritsu to let loose what was holding his tongue so tightly.
Ritsu let the proposition hang in the air, heavily debating on whether or not he should bother getting himself upset again with recounting the things that had happened.
"... He was being so brave." Was what he settled on, and all at once, the tears stung at his eyes again. "They punished him for having hope. ... He didn't deserve it."
"He didn't," Rei finally replied, unsure of exactly what to say to take away his pain. "None of you did."
He washed away more of the blood, this time what had stained his own neck. Ritsu had definitely wiped away anything that was on his face while he was crying, but some remained on the underside of his jaw. It didn't smell familiar. It was definitely, definitely fresher. "You didn't feed on him, but..." There were a million scenarios that could have happened to put the blood there, but there was no mistake on what happened somewhere between the kidnapping and Ritsu carrying Suou's corpse out to the ambulance. He wasn't going to ask, he wouldn't force specifics away from him, but the realization hit him again.
Suou's wasn't the only corpse that was recovered, next to the many that had been pulverized by some sort of hellfire.
"...Ritsu..."
Ritsu's first instinct was to push his brother away. To force as much distance between the two of them as possible, so that Rei didn't continue to prod at spots that were still much too scary and sore to withstand any kind of exposure. He wanted to shove him backwards, to get him to stop wiping that godforsaken cloth on him, to leave him alone , to get him away . But his body wasn't kind enough to allow him the luxury of enough energy to act in such a way. Shoving at him would have required too much effort. Instead, he bit his tongue so hard that he was sure his fangs would make gashes in it, only serving to fill his mouth up with the metallic taste he was trying so hard to leave behind.
Ritsu rolled over onto his side, curling himself into a half-hearted ball. He willed the tears that were forming in his eyes away, though he was absolutely certain that he was just prolonging the inevitable.
"... He asked me to."
Swallowing around the lump in his throat felt like swallowing around a fistful of knives.
"He... he said that someone he knew would save us if he got really hurt. So he asked me to bite him, because I was close, and." There was the stupid little waver to his voice, and he shoved his arms up to cover his face again. "And he was already sick, or dying, or something, I don't fucking know, but. ... When... I could have just bit him. I didn't really have to do anything else, but I couldn't stop. Like some kind of animal. Like a monster." The last one left him through another choke, one hand threading into his too long hair and grabbing onto it as some form of self punishment.
"... I didn't mean to."
He wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that it was alright, that he was going to be okay. But even Rei hadn't lost control completely like that - everyone he'd fed from had both been willing and able to wriggle away when it was too much. Those he'd taken the most blood from, it was given to him in ways that weren't so direct.
"You didn't mean to," Rei repeated to him, still holding up the half-soiled washcloth. "Ritsu... Ritsu, please look at me."
He reached with the cloth, cleaning the last bit off of his neck an trying to bring Ritsu's eyes to his own. "If he was sick... if he was already dying. It would've taken over more of you, you know it isn't your fault entirely. You didn't do it with intent to kill, you did it with the intent to live. You were scared."
A pause, knowing that wasn't all he wanted to hear. "Even if you feel like a monster, his sacrifice then saved everyone... is that not true?"
"Yeah, but-"
Even if his sacrifice had saved everyone else, he was still dead at the end of the day. Dead by Ritsu's hands, by his teeth, by the insatiable inhuman nature that he tried desperately to ignore. People that he loved, people that he knew, had had to watch him drain the life straight out of a boy who was already in bad condition. They had to watch as he gave into a monstrous desire that he wished he'd never been born with. They had to live with the trauma that that had put on them. They would never see him as human again. He had killed somebody in their presence. He had taken someone's life and he didn't even mean to fucking do it. He was a monster. There wasn't any way of sugar coating that. Maybe there had been in the past, but there wasn't any more.
Despite Rei trying so hard to get him to look at him, Ritsu refused, squeezing his eyes shut instead. Of course what he was saying made sense. But his brain, so overwhelmed and stuffed with thought, wanted to hear nothing of the older Sakuma's rationality right now. All it wanted to do was scream. Wail incessantly, incomprehensibly, to grieve the almost complete loss of his sense of self.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it, and-" And he didn't know what else to say that wouldn't leave him in an unintelligible slur or babble. "And I killed him. He saved us, but I still..."
"Ritsu. Ritsu, please - I mean it, look at me." He was a little more firm this time, not forceful but strong enough that Ritsu would have to know how serious he was. Once he finally had him where he wanted him, even if he couldn't completely catch his gaze, he pressed his forehead to his brother's.
"I still love you. No matter what you may think of yourself in this moment, no matter what burdens you bear, I love you. You didn't do it for the sole purpose of hurting someone, you didn't do it because you wanted to kill him. You aren't proud of what you did, which means there's still some human in you, no matter what monster you see."
He was trying to stop his own tears, not bringing it up but hating how horrible he felt for all the time he'd spent for nothing. Ritsu had always experienced some of their symptoms stronger than Rei had for some reason. Even if Rei was the supposed Demon King, Ritsu was the one with the stronger thirst. And he tried so hard, moved so far, learned several languages and pleaded with the world's finest to cure them so that Ritsu would never have to worry about a tragedy such as this.
Now that it happened and there was nothing he could do, all Rei could think of was to hold him in place. Not attempting to calm him in any other way than with his bleeding heart and his wounded soul. "I won't leave your side until you see what I do."
I still love you.
What a simple phrase it was that had him falling apart all over again. Ritsu was fully aware that everything that Rei had said made sense. His actions had been out of desperation, of fear, of the need and want to survive. He hadn't latched on to the boy with the intent to kill him. As often as he spewed it between his tears, it was something that he truly did mean. He didn't want to hurt anyone. He just wanted to survive. What had happened was an unfortunate byproduct, and he knew that, but the guilt still felt as though it was strangling him. That was evident in the exhausted, wheezing cries that left him this round, soothed only by the feeling of Rei's forehead pressed to his own.
He was just so tired.
So, so tired.
Lifting his arms felt like torture, but once he'd quieted himself down, Ritsu managed through it to gently wrap his arms around his older brother in a half-hearted embrace. He said nothing as he tugged Rei down with him, laying his back flat against the couch like he had been before he'd riled himself up again. He made sure that their foreheads stayed together. He let his eyes fall shut, only sniffling softly as he held his brother in place. He didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't want to bother with cleaning himself up the rest of the way. He didn't want to think, or to answer any more questions, or to throw any more fits. All that he wanted to do was lay like this, whether Rei liked it or not.
Ritsu hadn't necessarily meant to fall asleep, but he'd always had the habit of falling asleep fast anyway. Maybe it was more as if he'd just... passed out. His body simply lacked the ability to keep going, all of his energy having been depleted between the two outbursts he'd had in such a short period of time. The sniffles petered out into soft, even breathing. His already gentle hold on Rei loosened, his arms like dead weight threatening to slip off his brother's back.