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Not like this.
He was wishing for time alone together with Ritsu, wishing for them to be close again, for what happened so recently in their past to be forgotten for even a moment. Rei felt almost guilty, begging God and whatever else for his wish to come true - though he knew it wasn't because of him that he'd been in Ritsu's apartment for almost two weeks now.
Rei was hoping for them to bury the hatchet, for Ritsu to be calm and sleepy and as cute as ever as they shared a cup of tea and awkward small talk.
He was not hoping for time to hold him like this, securely against his chest in Ritsu's bed. Rei had been sure to draw the line in the sand and to bury his heels behind it. He and Ritsu would be on the couch together during the day, the younger brother sleeping in the older's lap. And they would be sitting at the table at night, quiet as mice so that the poor boy's roommate could try to chase sleep. She was always invited to join them, completely aware of where Rei's hands would be, and there would be nothing to worry about.
Rei was simply looking over his traumatized, quivering little brother. He was the only one that could pacify him if he flew into a hungry rage again, the only one who understood the way the disease was beginning to pull at their veins harder and more violently than ever before. Rei knew how to keep him healthy, what to do, how to feed him, what to say. And so he would take care of him as long as necessary.
Through the shaking, through the tears, through the conversations with the police that came to question him. Rei's eyes were on him, closer and more obvious than before. He promised not to leave as he drove Ritsu home from the crime scene. He would never break that promise again.
They moved to the bed this time to eliminate the sound of Ritsu's sobbing from the shared living space. To give Arashi-kun a single night of peace. Rei was comforting him the way he liked the most, horizontally and under enough blankets to suffocate them if they covered themselves fully. Maybe it was inappropriate with their past, but he truly only meant to help Ritsu sleep... he hadn't all day, not after more questioning. It was unnerving when Ritsu couldn't sleep.
"Ritsu," Rei whispered into his ear, holding him just a bit more tightly as the boy shook. "Please. It's alright. You're safe, you may rest now. I'll stay awake and protect you. Please... you don't need to cry anymore."
When, exactly, were they going to leave Ritsu alone?
How many times were police officers going to sit opposite him in his living room and run him through their same questions on repeat until he provided whatever fucking detail they were looking for? How long were they going to make him sit there and cry like an idiot in front of them? How long was he going to be forced to sit and rub his wrists raw, too anxious and tired to exert the energy of his racing mind any way else? Why couldn't they just leave him the fuck alone?
Sure, he was an adult now. He was supposed to be able to handle it, wasn't he?
Except that he wasn't, and he couldn't.
Ritsu was nothing more than a spoiled child who only wanted to be left alone with the comfort of the only person he
knew
felt safe.
His brother.
The only thing that made him feel even the slightest bit alright was to be wrapped in the embrace of the person who knew him best. Being with Rei calmed him, soothed his overtired mind for long enough for him to slip back into the dreams that he could only pray would be nice to him. Rei was the only person that Ritsu didn't have to be afraid to be around. He knew better than anyone the affliction they both shared. If he was going to be inhuman again, it was better to do so with another person who was just as inhuman as he was.
Laying so close to Rei like this was dangerous. Both of them knew that. They didn't have the cleanest track record when in bed next to each other, and the entire fucking world was aware of it. But for the past two weeks, Ritsu couldn't care less. Rei was the only person he wanted to be around, and he didn't give a fuck what other people thought of that. He wasn't even sure he could give a fuck if he tried.
He took in a sharp breath, trying to will himself to calm down again. It was followed by a sputter, a pitiful little noise that he wished he'd never made. He was tired. Tired of crying, tired of being questioned, tired of feeling like shit all the time. Nothing felt like anything unless that something was painful. Everything was empty , except for the things that hurt. Ritsu just wanted to feel something. Anything . Anything that felt like something that he could at least vaguely relate to a hit of dopamine. He sniffled again, finally pulling his face away from Rei's chest where he'd been hiding.
He didn't give it more than a second of thought before he crashed his own lips into his brother's.
Sloppy and desperate and hungry for feeling, Ritsu ran his tongue along the sharp point of one of Rei's fangs. (Just like mine, He thought, and he wished that the thought of that alone wasn't enough to make him feel sick.) He let the kiss carry on for far too long as he greedily stole the air from his brother's lungs like it was his to take. It must have lasted a good few minutes before he pulled away, unable to tell if he was satisfied or not.
Ritsu blinked, staring back at the eyes that matched his.
He shouldn't have kissed back. Rei should have pushed him away. He should have left the room immediately, scolded him, and left the apartment altogether.
He should have.
But he let Ritsu in, he let him kiss him deeper, melting into him as though he'd never left. Rei's arms cradled his brother, his lips smoothed against Ritsu's softly, and he gave him all of the breath and the warmth his body had to offer. As if he would give him his life if Ritsu needed it.
If this is what he needed to get over such a horrible thing, then the gods be damned. Then may every person who turned their nose from them continue to run from the stench. If this is where the monsters belonged, cherished and safe, so be it.
Rei's mouth hung open only slightly as Ritsu stared back at him, and he searched the boy's face for any sign that he was just a victim of wrong time, wrong place. What an idiot, he thought to himself, as though Ritsu wasn't angry with him for ever walking away in the first place. As though Ritsu wasn't the one to make the first move every time. As if Ritsu didn't still want him. As if he couldn't still feel the way his blood reacted to his touch.
He should have chalked it up to bad timing. To his loneliness. But he could hear the way Ritsu's heart pounded, feel the way his pulse jumped as he held him. And because they were similar, he knew there was no way to hide from his heart doing the same. There was no use denying it anymore. There was no use running from who they were.
"Ritsu... We can't..." Rei started, still wearing a confused, pained look on his face. But without letting himself to think any farther, allowing himself a reward to commend his restraint for so long, he caught Ritsu's lips in his own again.
This was his bed. They weren't somewhere anonymous, anywhere safe from the eyes of others. Arashi-kun was quite literally only strides away from them. The bedroom door was unlocked. The apartment was open for any of her friends she may have invited. Any of their unit mates who might require an additional shoulder to lean on.
But he continued their kiss, as though they were the only two demons who would walk this world. The only two people who could ever feel love so cold, so warm, so revolting, so extraordinary.
And in that moment, they were.
Warm and comfortable, safe and familiar.
Maybe we can't, Ritsu wanted to say, but we're going to anyway.
If wandering eyes caught sight of the freak show unfolding behind a closed door with no lock, he'd simply tell them to enjoy what they saw. Very little mattered to him in this moment other than chasing whatever fleeting bits of happiness he could manage to find. Other people didn't matter. If happiness was the warmth of their embrace, the smooth feeling of running the tip of his tongue over his brother's teeth, then Ritsu would cherish it for the little time that this fuck of a world would allow.
Besides, Rei had been good for so long. There wasn't any harm in rewarding him for staying so strong, was there?
He couldn't keep it up forever, though; what was once desperation and hunger petered out into sloppiness and exhaustion, though he was unwilling to let them part just yet. The blood that flooded his face turned his cheeks pink and his head fuzzy, finally in a way that felt warm instead of disconcerting. The dazed feeling made him feel even sleepier than he already had to begin with, made his kisses slower and lazier. But he didn't want to stop. He wasn't going to stop.
Ritsu, of course, understood why they could no longer indulge in each other. He understood why going into their relationship so many months prior. What they did together was vile and putrid, enough to make the strongest of stomachs turn. They were inhuman. They were monsters. But they were monsters together, twin demons walking hand in hand, tongue in tongue, the only two people who could share a love that others could only ever wish for. And once in a while, just once in a while, they were allowed to humor each other by giving into it. Or, so he liked to think.
At last, with eyes so heavy they could barely hold themselves open anymore, Ritsu broke away from the kiss. He rested his forehead against his brother's, willing his heartbeat to calm down and his breath to steady.
"...we don't have to speak of it tonight." Rei cooed as Ritsu snuggled into him, knowing that he only had a limited amount of time until his brother was no longer able to hear him. He could feel the way his brother's body relaxed in his arms, now heavy and pliable as he positioned himself a little more comfortably.
He pulled Ritsu down into his chest again instead, knowing falling asleep with his face so close would be far too much intimacy than he could handle in the moment. He didn't want to cry. Not when Ritsu needed him to be strong. Not when he thought he was better than this.
How tragic to learn one's true colors; as if one would cut Rei open and see anything but a putrid, sickly black ooze from the wound. He had always been the King of Demons, ruler of the night - somehow filled with so much love and devotion for all that it aged him far beyond his years. But that love came at a price far more ruthless than just stress and the sting of knowing those he adored would never fully reciprocate; it meant his heart was far too open for love from places he never should have taken it from.
They'd already accepted it out loud, already discussed their feelings. Rei had already declared his affection, letting Ritsu know exactly how deep his infatuation ran. How it permeated his entire heart, until it was twisted and warped by yearning into a lust he could feel cutting into his skin like barbed wire on an animal trying to escape. And Ritsu would step around it, always acting aloof, until there were moments where he broke from his character and proved that it was anything but one-sided.
Rei Sakuma was in love with Ritsu Sakuma, and it was returned in the very way he was afraid of it being returned.
But they didn't need to speak of it now, not when Rei could feel the way Ritsu slipped into a peaceful slumber. Rei kissed his little brother's hair that he cut only days before to bring some sort of normalcy back into his life. And he breathed in the scent of the one he loved the most, squeezing his eyes as tears threatened themselves again.
He would have to find a way to protect him. He would have to throw a good portion of his life, of his connections, of his dignity away. They couldn't run forever, not when the floodgates had already opened and their passions had already been made public for the world to see. There wasn't an option to hide away or separate anymore.
Rei would never leave him again.