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“Ribbit.”
Dan cracked one eye open. He groaned, rolling over onto his stomach and pressing his face into his pillow.
“This had better be a dream,” he mumbled to himself.
The frog on his bedside table croaked again.
“Goddamnit,” Dan muttered. “PHIIIIIIIIL?!”
The frog bounced up and down excitedly.
“Phil! There’s a freaking frog on my bedside table, this better not be your fault or I will put cat hair in your sheets!”
The frog jumped more urgently, hopping around in circles. Dan extended a hand and the amphibian stilled and croaked. Dan lowered his face, staring into familiar, intelligent blue eyes.
“Christ, Phil,” he muttered softly. “Only you would get yourself turned into a frog before nine in the morning.” Phil looked hurt, or as hurt as a frog could look. Dan waved it away, standing and making his way to the kitchen in nothing but his pants. Phil hopped behind him down the hall, making sure not to get under Dan’s gigantic feet.
“I need coffee if I’m going to have to deal with you as a frog,” Dan said, lowering one hand for Phil to hop into and setting him on the counter. “A lot of coffee.”
Phil just croaked.
*
After coffee and a rather long and difficult attempt at a conversation with Phil, Dan still had no idea why or how Phil had turned into a frog. He suspected it had something to do with the new tenant that moved in a few weeks ago, and told Phil as much.
“She’s definitely a witch,” he said. “Come on.”
Phil startled, then looked sheepish. Dan was getting really good at reading frog facial expressions really fast.
“Phil,” he said slowly. “What is it?”
Phil turned his head, effectively deflecting Dan’s question.
“Did you make her mad?” Dan asked. Phil remained silent. “Did you invite her over, talk to her, help her move in, run int-“ Phil croaked loudly, jumping back around to face Dan.
“Umm, helped her move in?” “Ribbit.”
“Christ Phil.”
Phil croaked indignantly.
“Yeah, yeah you didn’t know anything was going to happen, blah blah blah,” Dan sighed. He stared vacantly at the wall for a few moments. “We don’t even know if it is her, though.”
Phil made a noise of agreement.
*
“Okay,” Dan said, closing his laptop with a decisive thump. “This is rubbish.”
“Ribbit.”
“Because nothing is helping!”
Phil stared at Dan.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Okay, yes, I don’t exactly know what I was expecting when I googled ‘my roommate got turned into a frog how do I bring him back’, but I expected at least something marginally useful!”
Phil blinked.
“Don’t look at me with that tone of eyebrow,” Dan huffed, pushing his computer aside and slouching further down into the crease of the couch.
“Alright,” he sighed eventually, scooping Phil up and placing him on the coffee table on top of a stack of books. Dan leaned forwards, propping his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands together in thought.
“Okay. So. What do we know about when people turn into frogs? I can only really think of it happening in fairy tales, and –“ Dan’s eyes widened in realization. He clapped his hands once, the sudden noise starting Phil to jump off the table. Dan laughed and scooped him back up.
“We need to find your princess,” Dan said confidently.
If Phil wasn’t a frog and had taken a sip of coffee right before Dan said that, he would have spit it in Dan’s face.
“But it makes sense,” Dan said in a hushed, excited tone. “Well, it makes relative sense. Just think about it!” Phil really didn’t want to. “The Princess and the Frog,” Dan said confidently. “The frog convinces the princess to kiss him and he turns back to normal. Done!” He jumped up as he said that.
“Now, we just need to find your true love, Phil!” Dan tried really hard not to focus on the way his heart tripped when he said that. He dashed back into his bedroom, hollering, “We need to find your princess!”
*
“I know that look,” Dan said as he laced up his shoes. “That’s the ‘Dan-is-probably-insane-I-should-stop-him-before-he-sets-the-world-on-fire-or-kidnaps-a-celebrity’ look.” He fixed the collar of his shirt, glancing at Phil in the corner of the bathroom mirror. “Am I wrong?”
Phil croaked angrily. Dan could imagine the sulky pout he would be wearing, the way he would cross his arms and hunch his shoulders and stare up at Dan with those huge, shining blue eyes…
Dan mentally slapped himself. ‘Shut up, you freaking imbecile,’ he chided himself. ‘We are going to find Phil’s princess and then he’s going to be a human again but with this girl and okay brain, just quiet down.’
He spun around, stepping out of the bathroom purposefully yet carefully as to not accidentally smush Phil. Knowing Dan it was worryingly likely that this arrangement they found themselves in was going to end in violent death for Phil, most likely by shoe. Dan wondered what he would tell their subscribers.
“Come on,” Dan said as he grabbed his favorite leather jacket out of the closet by the door. Phil obligingly hopped up to him, croaking indignantly when Dan picked him up and put him under his jacket.
“Come on, Philly,” Dan said, feeling more than a little bit smug at their current arrangement. Phil was under his just about complete control, damned if Dan wasn’t going to use that to its full potential.
“Don’t be such a spoil-sport. Let’s go.”
*
Dan wasn’t entirely sure how he managed to get into the bar without at least one person calling him out on the frog he was holding under his jacket. For all he knew, everyone could have seen it and kept their mouths shut and were watching him intently to see what kind of drama happened. Dan desperately hoped that wasn’t the case. His social interaction abilities only extended so far, and being in the spotlight wasn’t covered.
Just a few minutes in, and Dan had already found a nice, wasted group of girls to try his luck on. He cringed internally about how creepy that sounds, and makes his way over to their table.
There are five women, all probably in their mid-twenties, clearly out celebration something. The blonde one in the backless pink dress seemed the most out of it, stumbling and swaying at the small stand-up table, so Dan approaches her first.
Of course, the arrival of a tall, attractive boy to the group made the women pay attention, the short one with dark skin and darker hair asked his name as she smiled over a shot glass. Dan smiled back with his trademark confident smirk, the one he knew how good it looked.
“My name’s Michael,” Dan said in a low, sultry tone. The one in the pink dress giggled, leaning slightly into his chest. Dan angled himself away, cupping his other hand protectively under his coat to shield Phil. Phil licked his hand.
A girl in a knee-length blue dress (the color of Phil’s eyes, Dan noticed distantly) introduced the group. She was Hannah, the blonde one was Thea, the short dark girl was Dawn, and the other two were both named Lucy. Dan nodded hellos to each girl, smiling when they blushed and tittered back.
“So ladies,” Dan said. He shuddered at how much of a tool he sounded like. “I have a favor to ask of all of you, if you wouldn’t mind.” The girls nodded eagerly.
“Well, you see, my friend here,” Dan drew Phil out from under his coat, “is having a bit of an issue. He woke up like this this morning, and I only a true love’s kiss will turn him back.”
The girls laughed, but each agreed to try. Dawn had to hold Thea’s hear out of her face as she lent in, pressing a sloppy peck to the top of Phil’s head.
Dan sighed in disappointment after all of the girls kissed Phil and still nothing happened. The Lucy with long red hair patted Dan’s cheek in some bizarre form of drunken apology, offering to French braid Dan’s hair instead. Dan laughed at the offer but politely declined, thanking all of them before standing up to go and find someone else to ask.
*
Three hours, two drinks on Dan’s part and almost thirty random stranger’s kisses later, and Dan was just about ready to call it a night. He thanked Krys and Leelah, buying them another round of shots for their time.
He sighed as he gently covered Phil with his jacket again, waking out of the bar’s back entrance and into the cool London air. He found a nice secluded corner of alleyway, free from drunken couples and sat down, pulling Phil out and bringing him up to eye level.
“I’m sorry Phil,” he said. Phil did his best approximation of a shrug, his eyes saying ‘you did all you can’. Dan sighed, leaning his head back and squeezing his eyes shut.
“Yeah, but –“ he trailed off, squinting at the pale moon peeking over the clouds. There were no stars out.
A somewhat familiar voice spoke from above Dan, startling him out of his thoughts. “Want a smoke?”
Dan glanced up to see Hannah from earlier that night standing above him with a cigarette in her extended hand. Dan shook his head, mumbling a ‘no thanks’ under his breath. Hannah shrugged, sticking the cigarette between her own lips and pulling a lighter out of her purse. She lit up, inhaling deeply and breathing smoke out through her nose. ‘Phil probably would have made some comment about dragons if he could speak,’ Dan thought. His stomach dropped, but he pretended to ignore it. Hannah sat down next to him, folding her skirt under her butt as she lowered herself down onto the cold pavement.
“Hey Hannah,” Dan said. Phil perched on his knee. Hannah smiled softly at Phil, reaching out to pet his head with one finger.
“Hello Dan,” she replied. “Hello Phil.” Dan’s eyes shot open. Hannah giggled, taking another drag of her cigarette.
“Yeah. I watch your videos,” she said on an exhale of smoke, politely turning her head so as to not blow it in Dan’s face. “And his.” She gestured to the amphibian perched on Dan’s leg with the hand holding her burning cherry. Dan smiled half-heartedly, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes.
“You wanna tell me about it?” Hannah asked eventually, grinding out the burning filter under her foot. Dan nodded, then shook his head, then shrugged and sighed, running his fingers through his hair again.
“Maybe. Do I? No. Yeah, I should, I just – I don’t know.” The last bit of that came out on a forced laugh. Hannah rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.
“He literally did just wake up like this. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. I think a witch moved into our complex. She lives above us now. I just –“ he broke off, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, holding them there until there wasn’t anything else he wanted to do. Spots and shapes danced in front of his vision, clearing when he opened his eyes and blinked.
“I’m scared,” he finally confessed, glancing down. Phil looked worriedly up at him. “I don’t know what I’m doing and – I’m scared that Phil will be a frog forever. Imagine that. AmazingFrog. And I’ll have no idea what to do with myself and – yeah.” He scrubbed at his dripping eyes angrily, cursing them and his cracking voice from giving him away.
Hannah rubbed his shoulders again, offering him a tissue from her purse. Dan accepted it gratefully, mumbling a ‘thank you’ through blowing his nose.
“You know what I think?” Hannah said, hoisting herself back up onto her five-inch heels. “I don’t think he needs a princess.” She squeezed Dan’s bicep. “Not when he has you. Goodbye Dan.” She walked down the alleyway to the main road. He shoes echoed, sounding too loud with Dan’s pounding heart and shallow breathing.
“I’ll be seeing you around, hopefully,” she said without looking back as she turned the corner.
Dan just sat there, thinking, for the longest time. Eventually Phil made a noise of dissent, snapping Dan out if his thoughts. Dan smiled and stood, gathering Phil into his hands as he started off home in the crisp night air.
*
Dan was sat on the couch in his position from earlier, having changed out of his clothes and into his pajamas and a sweatshirt. The clock on his phone read two fifteen am.
“I’m sorry Phil,” Dan said again. “Not to be melodramatic or anything, but I’ve pretty much failed you. All that’s left is for me to accept that fact and move to Mexico and get reconstructive facial surgery.” Phil hopped onto Dan’s shoulder, smacking him in the face with a webbed foot. Dan’s lips twitched upwards, imagining what Phil would be saying if he could speak.
‘Dan, come one. Have some more imagination than Mexico!’
“No! You can’t ruin that beautiful face! Think of the subscribers Dan. What would the fangirls say?’
‘Just be sure to settle someplace with wifi.’
‘I’ll rent out your room to a different fan each day for three hundred pounds. Soon, I’ll be rich and then I can sneak you back into the country via a well-timed helicopter drop and attack dogs. I’m not quite sure how the dogs come in yet. I want them there though.’
Dan hiccupped a small sigh, pushing his (Phil’s) sweatshirt sleeve across his face.
“I’m really sorry,” Dan said. He sighed again and leaned down, picking Phil up and resting his forehead on his wrist. Dan brushed his nose against the top of Phil’s head absently, just focusing on the odd texture under his nose. He rubbed his nose around a little bit more, the action becoming more mindless the longer he did it. Dan closed his eyes to think better, still moving his head, when a huge weight suddenly dropped onto this chest and stomach and lap. Dan’s eyes flew open and he choked, sneezing on the mess of black hair that was smushed up under his chin.
“Eew, don’t sneeze into my hair you fricken shoe,” Phil groaned. He struggled to stand up for a minute, before settling back down into Dan with a sigh.
“You’re too darn comfy,” he mumbled indistinctly, burrowing his head into the crook of Dan’s neck. Dan’s arms instinctively wrapped around Phil’s back, holding him close.
“What?” Dan said plainly. Phil’s eyelashes tickled Dan’s neck when he blinked.
“You kissed me,” Phil snorted, his breath hot and sticky against Dan’s skin. Dan shivered.
“Well, you kissed me enough due to the parameters of the spell-ish thing or whatever it was,” Phil amended. “A brush of lips was enough, really.”
Dan splayed his hands out, clutching at Phil’s warm skin. Wait. Phil wasn’t wearing a shirt. Dan’s left hand flew to Phil’s hip, met with bare skin there as well.
“Phil, while I would love to discuss the fact that I am apparently your one true love until the sun rises, I’m going to have to ask you to put on some boxers before you say anything else.”
“Sure, but,” Phil’s breath ghosted over Dan’s neck, right at the juncture of his jaw, causing Dan to shiver involuntarily. There was no way Phil knew that right under his ear was a spot for Dan. Phil knew that Dan’s entire neck was incredibly sensitive, but no way he knew about that one spot.
Phil chuckled. “You see Dan, what you did there barely even qualifies as a kiss.” He nosed around Dan’s ear, like he had some deliciously dirt secret he wanted to share. “So I’d like a do-over.”
“A d-do-ov-oh,” Dan stuttered out, his voice breaking on a sharp breath at the end as Phil licked a thick stripe up Dan’s neck.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” Phil promised, pulling Dan onto his feet and attaching his lips to Dan’s neck as he led them back to his bedroom. “Just let me have this for now.” He crowded Dan up against the corridor wall, biting and sucking at his neck. Dan knew he would have some wicked bruises in the morning but he really didn’t care if the way he threw his head back and moaned Phil’s name was any indication.
“Yes, please, whatever you want,” Dan gasped out, scrabbling his fingernails against Phil’s arms as his eyes rolled back into his head from the sheer overwhelming ohgodsogood feelings of it all. Here he was, Dan Howell, crowded against the wall he shared with Phil by Phil, and a naked, horny Phil at that. He briefly wondered exactly when his life had become so awesome, but then Phil whirled him into the bedroom and shut the door and Dan did very little thinking from then until he woke up at two the next day.
*
“So yeah guys. Thanks for watching, subscribe to me if you haven’t already, and go check out the gaming channel I have with AmazingPhil. Links are right here and down in the description, all right, I’ll just be going now, but wait! There’s one more thing!” Dan snapped his fingers and pointed them at the camera.
“Hannah, if you’re watching this, I am convinced you are the witch that now lives in the complex. And even if you aren’t, thank you. You were right.” He gave a little wave.
Dan smiled as he clicked off the camera, plugging it into the cable connecting it to his computer. He was really curious what the Phans would think about his little message at the end of his newest video, and looked forward to reading all of the fan theories about it on Tumblr when the video went out.
“You know,” Phil hummed lowly, rubbing his fingertips teasingly lightly up Dan’s neck. “If you’re not busy, I was thinking –“ Dan grinned and leaned back in the office chair, capturing Phil’s lips with his own. It felt a little bit odd, as they were upside down, but that didn’t change the fact that kissing Phil, no matter which way, was one of Dan’s favorite things to do.
“Yeah, okay, you’ve convinced me,” Dan laughed as he stood up, sliding his arms around Phil’s waist and drawing him closer.
“But you, Mr. Lester, are wearing far too many clothes.”
“Mmm, care to come do anything about that?” Phil asked flirtatiously, slipping out of Dan’s arms and leaning against the doorframe to his bedroom. Dan laughed and followed, holding Phil around the shoulders from behind and nibbling on his ear.
“Oh,” Dan smirked, refusing to admit that he was blushing through all of this ridiculously cheesy flirting. “Wouldn’t you like to find out?”
“Please, Howell,” Phil protested, smiling the whole way. “Put your money where your mouth is.”
To make a long story short: Dan did.