Archive of Our Own

"Okay, so, what you're telling me is," Taehyun speaks slowly, like each word sounds foreign to him. "You guys are actually not dating."  

Beomgyu does his best not to scream. He doesn't know why he went to Taehyun, of all people, to spill out his heart's deepest secret - in hope of comfort - in the first place; of course he wouldn't get it. The guy is the type to calculate the floatability of a wooden door with two people on it and conclude that "Rose and Jack would have actually fitted there, how dumb". Maybe Beomgyu's a masochist. (Or maybe, he thinks he deserves the pain.)  

"Tyun, Taehyunie," he says, hanging to the last thread of his patience. "I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. Why is it so hard to understand for you." Taehyun gasps a little, taking offense. “We. Are. Not. Dating,” he repeats slowly, just to be sure.

"Well, it's not like I have no reason to think so!" he defends. "Just- Just last week Soobin-hyung was, again , declaring how you're his favorite member in live!"  

Beomgyu scoffs. "I better be, with the blowjob I gave him that same morning," he grumbles.  

Taehyun leans back on his chair slowly, closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose.  

"TMI," he says, trying to remain calm. "Way, way TMI." 

Beomgyu sighs dramatically again, and drops his head to the table. The surface feels cold on his forehead; it helps grounding him, until he remembers the way Soobin had dropped a kiss there not that long ago, how warm his lips had felt in this short, unexpected moment, and how he had smiled, proud of himself, when Beomgyu had frozen and stuttered. He bonks his forehead to the table. "But it's not like that," he adds. 

Beomgyu laughs a little, a hollow thing. "Why would I be like this," he says vaguely - meaning pitiful, miserable, stupid, so stupid, "If we were dating."  

Seemingly taking pity on him, Taehyun sighs. "Look, I'm just confused about some things," he said, like he's actually trying to solve whatever puzzle he thinks this is. Even though it's' all so simple.  

Beomgyu just grew too greedy, and he's possibly ruined everything - at best, his most important friendship, at worst, their whole group dynamic. That's the simple truth.  

"Okay, okay," Taehyun says more to himself, takes a big breath, steadying himself for what he's about to do. "Let's start from the beginning." Beomgyu can't help but smile a little; Taehyun is still trying to help, even though the last thing he probably wants is to know more about Beomgyu's mess of a heart - and sex life. "How did you even get yourself in...whatever this is?"  

- 

'How did I get myself here,' is also what Beomgyu wondered that morning, hazily, fallen onto his knees, Soobin’s hands into his hair.

Don’t get him wrong; he’s the one who’d made eye contact with Soobin through the mirror once their choreographer called for a twenty minutes break. Soobin had appeared tired, hair disheveled and chest moving deeply with slight pants, but had still smiled the moment he found Beomgyu’s eyes, and Beomgyu- Beomgyu couldn’t bear not to be close to him.

“What’s gotten into you suddenly,” Soobin had mumbled against his lips after the maknaes had gotten up to get some drinks, Yeonjun had splayed on the dirty floor phone in hand, monitoring their last recording, and Beomgyu had hastily led him in one of the bathrooms closest to the practice room.

A familiar anxiety at being too transparent gripped his throat, and Beomgyu had sunken onto his knees, making good use of the pads he was still wearing. 

“You’re hot,” he had given as a poor excuse, mouthing at Soobin’s crotch, but it's all it took to shut him up.

It used to be enough, having Soobin that way - used to leave Beomgyu exhilarated, whole body alight with the touches they had laid upon each other. 

But right there, with Soobin’s dazed eyes fixed on his face as Beomgyu’s mouth worked down on him and Soobin's fingers clenching in his hair but hold forever gentle, the ache inside Beomgyu’s chest only grew deeper.

All this was a choreography he knew by heart by now, still, each moves steeped in his body. Despite the throb, he let his eyes fall close, his body moving with muscle memory - lips tightening, cheeks hollowing.

He at least found consolation in the way he's become an expert at this. When he felt this familiar tension in Soobin's thighs, he bobbed his head back until only the tip of him stayed secured against his lips, and used his hand to squeeze the base, bracing himself.

He swallowed - Soobin’s soft noises and his feelings as much as the rest. Until not a drop was left, just a bitter taste on the tip of his tongue. 

He'd let Soobin taste it, licking it clean from his mouth, as he fumbled with Beomgyu's own sweatpants to return the favor. When the door opened and closed in the stall next to them, Soobin didn't relent the movements of his hand, slow and torturous, planting his free palm to Beomgyu's mouth with force, watching intently. Don't let it out, he seemed to say. 

Fitting.

A flushing sound resonated, then the flow of water going down the sink, then the bathroom door flapping. Soobin replaced the hand over his mouth with his lips, and Beomgyu tried not to think anymore.

 -  

But the truth is, Beomgyu himself doesn't know when exactly it started.  

Maybe, maybe it started right at the beginning, when he stepped in that practice room for the first time, a boy far from his home and moving by sheer hope and dreams and ambition. Maybe it started when a taller boy, looking way out of his comfort zone himself, took it upon himself to approach him when all the other trainees hadn't so much as glanced his way.  

Beomgyu remembers it to this day, the way Soobin was carrying himself. Almost unfit for his own body, kind of lanky and awkward and too long, but the eyes of a boy willing to prove himself to the world. A boyish looking face, right in the border between cute and handsome. Beomgyu had stared for a long time, in silence, and had thought, oh.

Maybe, it was right at the moment Soobin's fingers found his wrist, squeezing gently and smiling softly - everything Soobin often is, Beomgyu would soon find out. It had been a week since the line-up for the new group was announced, and the fact that Beomgyu's name - one of the newest trainees - was part of it did leave a bitter taste in more than one mouth.  

And, well. Beomgyu's always been a people pleaser, almost to a fault. Having his fellow trainees give him a stink eye did take a toll on him. Maybe he had let the comments get into his head - maybe he really wasn't ready, wasn't good enough yet. But even as the hurtful words continued, Beomgyu couldn't really hear them anymore, because Soobin was trying his damn hardest to make him laugh - making funny faces at the whispering trainees' back, and it was working. Soobin didn't really say anything, only patted his hair reassuringly, but Beomgyu, breath coming a little easier, had thought again, oh, and he had made a decision. 

When they had to give a vote for preferred leader, Beomgyu gave his without hesitation. 

Or, maybe it was during their debut showcase, when Beomgyu noticed the pinch of his mouth as he reached for Yeonjun’s cheek to wipe at his tears gently, the hunch of the shoulders when he turned away. It was the first time he saw Soobin cry. Beomgyu watched silently, fighting to keep his own tears at bay.

Soobin was still crying when they left the stage, Beomgyu hovering close to him, not knowing what to do. He wanted to hug him, but then he’d certainly start crying too, and two members were enough already. So he just touched his elbow softly, and Soobin’s hand gave him a reassuring pat, tears still falling. 

Oh, Beomgyu had thought, heart clenching painfully, unable to do much but watch him calm down.

Maybe it was one of the little things; maybe it was Soobin’s sheepish smile when the members had to come to their shared room thrice for them to wake up. Maybe it was when he found Soobin sleepily sitting on the couch, bed hair, juice in hand, Beomgyu’s hoodie on, that he probably hadn’t even realized he took. Maybe it was when Beomgyu had signed his card with, ‘your best friend!’ and Soobin had looked at him with a grin. Maybe it was during their live, when Beomgyu bit his shoulder, and instead of pushing him or complaining, Soobin grabbed his arm and bit him as well.

Maybe it was the bracelet Soobin gifted him, and how he kept catching Beomgyu's wrist regularly to check if he was wearing it. Maybe it was the way he pouted when Beomgyu stopped wearing it, having damaged it and getting too scared to completely ruin it. 

Maybe it was the way Soobin looked at him so warmly when Beomgyu reached up to fix the stray strand of his hair. Maybe it was the way Soobin let Beomgyu play with his fingers when he was nervous. 

Maybe it was when Soobin brought a bag to their room, a bottle of body mist to help with insomnia in it. Maybe it was the first time Soobin suddenly called him pretty, in front of everyone, not caring at all - like it was the most natural thing.  

Maybe it was all these things, accumulating, building something inside his chest brick by brick. Oh, Beomgyu had thought every time, a small hiccup in his chest. Oh.

Most probably, it was when Beomgyu had fallen sick, and had been quarantined. He was trying hard not to feel miserable about it all, and when midnight hit, he received a video call. ‘Happy birthday,’ Soobin had greeted, hair arranged in two buns on top of his head, and Beomgyu had laughed, hard, taking as many screenshots as he could. 

The call lasted for hours, even when they weren’t talking for some time, music playing softly from Soobin’s side. 

After hanging up, he laid awake in his bed for a long time, heart feeling too big for his chest. Oh, Beomgyu thought yet again; then, shit.

-

Taehyun watched him at length, eyes gauging. 

“Okay,” he declares at last. “So, you’ve been pining for a long time,” he sums up, and Beomgyu cringes. It’s true, but still; his pride takes yet another blow. Like his one-sided feelings haven’t buried his self confidence six feet under already. “...How did you go from making heart eyes from afar to actually…” he doesn’t finish, grimacing.

To actually blow him in the Hybe building bathrooms, is left unsaid.

Beomgyu sighs, sparing him the pain of articulating the rest of this sentence - poor guy looks like he’s going to give himself an aneurysm just from the thought of it. 

“Yeah, about that,” he starts, and already knows Taehyun won’t like to hear it one bit.

-

Beomgyu would like to say it’s because he’s got game, he really would. But truth be told, he couldn’t have foreseen this turn of event even if he tried.

They just… had been getting closer, slowly - bad-for-a-weak-heart-like-beomgyu's kind of close. 

It started with random texts during the sparse moments they weren't together. 

Not conversations, though; no. Their chat was a mess of random memes or Tiktok screenshots - sometimes accompanied with a 'you when -' (when you sing in the shower and think we can’t hear you, when you kept turning and turning last night, when you thought i didn't notice you were staring).

It's also song titles or Spotify links exchanged, no captions. I thought of you listening to this, is what Beomgyu means every time he sends one, and he hopes Soobin thinks something similar when he does the same. Then Beomgyu would come back to their shared room one day, snatch Soobin's phone to put on his own music on his speaker while Soobin can't do anything about it because he's in the middle of a game, and his heart would bloom like flower under the sun, filling his throat with soft petals, when he'd find the private playlist named 'beomgyu's' made of all the songs he's ever sent to him.

It's also food and snacks brought silently to their room to share, while Beomgyu's strolling out during yet another insomnia, or when Soobin comes back from a day out with one of his friends. 

Then, it gets to texting even when they're in the same room, trying to keep a shared laughter down while the other members roll their eyes or the staff lets out a fond, tired sigh. 

It's also Soobin regularly suggesting, "Movie?" and them crowding into his bunk bed with one of their laptops, even though Beomgyu isn't that much of a movie person and Soobin ends up falling asleep before it ends most of the time. At times, when Beomgyu's too comfy to move after he's discarded the laptop to the side, he'd allow himself to pretend he fell asleep in Soobin's bed by accident, not because the warmth of his body and the rhythm of his slow breathing do help lulling Beomgyu to sleep.  

It's phone calls that last too long and have Beomgyu's mom huffing annoyingly. When he hangs up sheepishly, she relents, "Just bring him here with you, next time." 

And then, it's simply talking, until the dead of the night.  

Beomgyu is not very good with words, but Soobin's patient, lets him have all the time he needs to gather his thoughts, encourages him to try again when it doesn't come out exactly the way he means it. 

Soobin is good with words, but he always doubts whether it's appropriate for him to speak or not, and Beomgyu's here for inviting him to talk, to let it out, to let him know he's never a bother. 

They work well together. These conversations in the dark, eyes fixed blindly to the ceiling, mean more to Beomgyu than he’s ever admitted out loud.

This kind of closeness, he realized then, was new to him. It felt important. Special. The way he was letting Soobin know him, the way he was getting to know Soobin. The way he wanted to be known, the way he wanted to cherish all these things about Soobin - his deepest regrets or the way he has the habit of licking his lips when he needs to gather his thoughts alike - and to get to know more until he could map Soobin perfectly in his head. 

It really jumped to his face when Soobin came back from a late schedule, tired and quiet as he gathered his pajamas and his shower bag, and Beomgyu knew. He knew Soobin was not alright, knew it's probably because tomorrow will be his first day as Music Bank's MC, knew that Soobin would probably bring it up when he feels like it, and so, he waited. 

He waited, until they were plunged in darkness, Beomgyu picking at his nails in anxiousness - until Soobin's voice cracked when he said, "What if I mess up?" 

Beomgyu had thought of what to say to make him feel better, and all of it gets thrown through the window at the tremble of Soobin's voice. The covers ruffled around him, the stairs cracked under his weight when he made his way down, and Soobin's mattress dipped when he crawled to him. 

Now, cuddling isn't exactly something they did; they used to, before debut, when all of them were all so young and lonely and overall just scared shitless about what the future held for them. They were older now, didn't have much of an excuse for more than a hug or Kai's teasing clinginess.  

Yet, there was nothing that felt more natural than when Soobin opened his arms and Beomgyu settled against him, their legs tangling and Soobin's body seemingly wrapping completely around Beomgyu's. Beomgyu held him tight until Soobin's breathing slowed, until his shaking subsided almost fully.  

Beomgyu turned so that he was facing away, feeling like Soobin was always more at ease to talk when Beomgyu couldn't see him - even though it was pitch black in the room already. Soobin let out a long breath, his arms still wrapped around Beomgyu, holding him close but not as desperately as before. He spoke against the back of Beomgyu's head, quiet. 

It kept going for a long time - Soobin's what ifs, Beomgyu's reassurances. 'What if I forget my text, what if I embarrass noona, what if I make the idols uncomfortable with how awkward I am' and 'you worked so hard, you'll be amazing, it's your first day and you don't have to be perfect, but they'll love you anyway.'

'What if they don't like me,' 

and, 

"They'll love you, of course they'll do. How can someone not love you," too honest. Soobin fell silent for a while, at that, and then huffed a soft laugh against Beomgyu's nape.  

"You like me so much, Beomgyu-yah," he said with a smile in his voice. Not teasing, just an observation.

How unfair is that, for him to let it out so easily, while Beomgyu felt like he'd been cracked open and put into display for everyone to see. How unfair, when it was too much of a truth for Beomgyu to deny, not when it finally made Soobin smile. 

"Shut up," he ended up grumbling with no bite, and Soobin laughed softly again. Then, before Beomgyu could stop it, he whispered, so softly he had hoped Soobin wouldn't hear because it was a bit too true, "You know I do." 

But Soobin seemed to hear, because Beomgyu thought he felt him freeze for a second. His heart stopped inside his chest, because that could have sounded awfully close to a confession.  

He had been thinking of a way to backpedal while sounding inconspicuous - something like, we're best friends, afterall, of course I like you - but Soobin simply sighed behind him. He sounded calm and almost relieved, not like someone who just got confessed to by his best friend and group member, so Beomgyu relaxed, panic leaving him at once. It had been terribly close. 

And it should have been it, but a series of unfortunate events followed; 

Soobin held him a bit tighter, and the movement made Beomgyu's sleeping shirt ride up an inch, causing Soobin's fingers to come into contact directly with the skin of Beomgyu's stomach. Beomgyu's stomach contracted at the touch, his breath hitched, and this time they definitely both froze on the spot. 

After what could as well have been an eternity of Beomgyu holding his breath, he felt Soobin's thumb circle tentatively above his hip bone, still barely covered by his shirt. It felt like a question. 

Letting out a shaky exhale, Beomgyu relaxed in Soobin's hold, and it took all his will to snake his own hand down to Soobin's wrist - not holding it so that it wouldn't sound like a 'stop', just pressing his fingertips there, and caress his skin gently. He hoped it sufficed to communicate an 'okay', because he couldn't bring himself to talk at this moment, throat completely closed up with anticipation and fear and excitement and arousal. 

Beomgyu's heart sank when Soobin's hand retracted from his stomach, reaching Beomgyu's one to squeeze his fingers- then jumped up his throat when said hand slipped back under Beomgyu's shirt, spreading over the almost entirety of his stomach. 

His palm pressed gently, thumb rubbing almost reverently over his skin, and Beomgyu, being who he is - stupid, terribly in love - and because he'd rather commit murder than have Soobin stop touching him the way he shamefully imagined so many times before, arched into his arms with a sigh. 

Soobin's breath caught and he immediately pushed against him, and Beomgyu pressed back, desperate to be infinitely closer even if it never felt enough. 

Before he knew it, both of Soobin's hands had made their way under his shirt, exploring every dip and curve of his torso, Beomgyu's fist was gripping whatever part of Soobin's shirt he could reach, clinging and tugging, and there was definitely an erection pressing against his lower back. 

Beomgyu's mind went blank. Soobin - legs tangled with his, forehead pressed against his shoulder, warm breath hitting him even through his shirt - was getting hard because of Beomgyu. Beomgyu did that to him.  

Emboldened, Beomgyu pushed back against him pointedly. Soobin made a small, surprised noise, and Beomgyu was losing his mind. He'd do anything to hear this noise again, and without thinking about it, his hand let go of Soobin's shirt and traveled down. Soobin's breath stuttered when Beomgyu cupped him through his sweatpants. 

Before Beomgyu could fully process - he had Soobin's dick in his hand, he could feel its shape, its weight, its warmth - Soobin abruptly manhandled him over to his back, and suddenly, Beomgyu was being kissed. 

Beomgyu forgot himself; he forgot about the dick in his hand, forgot to close his eyes, forgot to breathe. The hand grabbing his shoulder was gentle, the lips above his were warm, soft, unmoving. Then, he kissed back.  

His unoccupied hand reached up to touch Soobin's face, and Soobin exhaled through his nose, angling his face a bit so that their lips slotted together just right, and they were really kissing. When Soobin leaned back to catch his breath, Beomgyu followed, prying his lips open and earning another one of these soft surprised sounds. It was a bit messy, neck aching a bit and teeth knocking more than once, but Beomgyu would keep at it all night if he had the chance. 

And then, there was a hand on his dick, and Beomgyu remembered why all this was happening at once. Right. Horny. 

It was a mess of pants and moans in each other's mouth, after that. Beomgyu had gotten annoyed very quickly by the fabric on his way, and ended up pulling Soobin's sweatpants just enough to free hard-on, resulting in a huff from Soobin that sounded both surprised and amused. He quickly shut up when Beomgyu could finally grab him fully, stroking him tentatively. Soobin followed his lead, taking hold of Beomgyu properly as well. 

They were done embarrassingly fast; Beomgyu first, consoled with the fact that Soobin followed almost immediately, spilling into Beomgyu's fist with a sound that Beomgyu will probably play again and again in his head in the future.  

Beomgyu had a fleeting thought about licking his fingers clean - would that be too much? Probably, but if this was the only chance he had to actually taste Soobin… was it? Would Soobin let him do that again? Was it just the heat of the moment? Or could it be something they do now? Which one was even better? Oh god- 

His musings were cut when Soobin moved and reached over Beomgyu, grabbing a box of tissue from under his bed, cleaned Beomgyu's hand for him and then his, and tugged himself back into his sweatpants. Beomgyu did the same mindlessly, holding his breath once again, waiting - for Soobin to realize, to get embarrassed, to throw Beomgyu out of his bed, to say something, anything - but Soobin only plopped back on the bed with a big, satisfied sigh, and pulled Beomgyu to his side. 

He pressed a small, barely there kiss on the top of Beomgyu's head, and before long, his breathing slowed.  

Beomgyu was suddenly exhausted. He fell asleep more easily than he had in a long, long time. 

When Beomgyu woke up, he was alone in Soobin's bed. The rest of them didn't have schedules in the morning that day, since Soobin had to spend most of it at the Music Bank building for his first recording. Beomgyu's stomach growled; it was probably nearing noon - he'd slept like a baby. And the fact that Beomgyu sleeping well isn’t the weirdest thing that happened in the past eight hours… says a lot.

He didn't move out right away. Instead, he plopped himself down on his belly, buried his face in Soobin's pillow, and screamed. 

Throughout the day, he kept losing focus; he found himself feeling his cheek warm up and accidently murmuring some 'oh my god's whenever he thought of the night before - which he happened to think about more often than he'd like. Yeonjun had even stopped looking at him with a lifted eyebrow at some point, obviously thinking that Beomgyu had finally lost it.  

They all gathered after their japanese class to watch the first Music Bank broadcast hosted by Soobin. Together, they witnessed the internet go into flames after his Dolphin performance, and laughed when he did end up forgetting his line, amusing his co-host and probably all the staff present behind the camera. Beomgyu tried not to let show any of the pride he was feeling, and probably failed miserably when Soobin said "it's our first interview so please be nice to us!" and the idols he was interviewing all visibly melted, and Beomgyu couldn't help his endeared laugh. 

'Who wouldn't love you,' echoed in his mind again, and he planted his face into his hands, screaming. The others didn't question it. 

Yeonjun and Kai went ahead with the staff to fetch Soobin after the show was done. Beomgyu stayed behind, the nerves taking the best of him. He followed Taehyun to the gym, thinking it could at least keep him busy instead of pulling his own hair out in anxiety. 

When they came home, later, Soobin was already sleeping soundly. Beomgyu did his best to be quiet as he got changed for the night blindly, and hopped into his bunk. As often, sleep didn't come to him, and he ended up scrolling on his phone, airpod in his ears, for an undetermined amount of time. 

He didn't hear any ruffling, so he jumped when he fell a hand around his ankle, before realizing it was Soobin who had climbed up his bed. Beomgyu watched him crawl up then lie next to him, on his back. Beomgyu scooted over, allowing him to lay more comfortably, but Soobin still pressed to his side.  

"You were right," Soobin said at last. He turned his face to Beomgyu, and the weak light from his phone screen was enough to see the smile on his face. "It went well." 

Beomgyu scoffed to hide all the silly things he was feeling. "Of course, when am I wrong!" 

Rolling his eyes, Soobin replied, "I actually don't think I can even count the number of times you were, in fact, wrong." 

"That's because you're ass at math." 

"It's because I'd die of old age before I finished counting." 

Petty, Beomgyu simply parroted him forgetting his line earlier during the show. Soobin slapped his arm, and they laughed quietly. 

Soobin turned to his side when they quieted down. "Thank you," he said, soft. 

Beomgyu tried not to look at him. "I was right," he replied simply. "Everyone loved you." 

And then, Soobin propped himself on one elbow, and leaned down to kiss him. Beomgyu, weak as ever, pulled him closer. He rejoiced, because apparently it was something they did now; he could have Soobin that way, and he could really make that work if he tried hard enough - no more almost confessions, just this, tongues and hands pulling closer - when a small voice at the back of his head observed how this was a bad, bad idea. 

Beomgyu shut it up with his knee coming to rub between Soobin's legs, and Soobin gasped in his mouth. This was already more than he could have asked for. 

- 

Turns out, Soobin is one horny motherfucker. 

And, turns out, Beomgyu is more than happy to go along with it. 

He was good at pretending he wasn’t banging his leader, too. They were careful - mostly ( Beomgyu feels sorry for the cleaning staff of the bathroom closest to their dance practice. That happens… sometimes. And that time in his studio. Beomgyu’s sorry.) - and kept things into the privacy of their shared bedroom, and later, into Beomgyu’s very own room. 

(The main reason was that he didn’t feel quite comfortable making eye contact with a hedgehog while getting his dick sucked. An extra reason was that Beomgyu found comfort in burying into his sheets that still smelled vaguely of Soobin, even after he was gone, sneaking back into his own room before the sun rises.)

Well, at least, Beomgyu liked to think he was good at pretending.

Until the fans started referring to them as soulmates too, and Beomgyu started calling Soobin that in his head without meaning to.

Until his mother had asked when he would bring his boyfriend home. 

(Beomgyu had denied it, insisted that it was not like that, mom, please don’t embarrass me, even when he ended up dragging Soobin to Daegu with him.)

Until he found out that his highschool friends didn’t invite him for their annual single-on-Christmas game because they thought he didn’t meet the requirement anymore, and figured he had a date planned already. 

(Beomgyu had acted scandalized at the treason and got them to organize a second session to make up for it - even though he had spent a good part of this Christmas night playing Smash Bros with Soobin after the three others had gotten bored, and had fallen asleep dirty and boneless against him.)

- 

"Ah!" Taehyun exclaims, like he was waiting for this. "So this isn't the first time someone thinks you guys are dating!" 

- 

It was really not, to Beomgyu's dismay. 

And look, Beomgyu appreciates the validation - that Soobin does, in fact, act too boyfriendy.

But also. Beomgyu wishes he didn't have to deny it every time - didn't have to explain again and again that he is not dating his crush, they were just very close best friends, nothing like that.

It's really it's own kind of torture; to be so close, to almost have it - but not. It stays out of reach, and Beomgyu has to tell everyone again and again, as a reminder to himself, he can't have it. Don’t be greedy.

Beomgyu made it work. It was enough.

-

(Beomgyu didn’t. It was not.

Not when Soobin acts the way he does - calling him during his solo lives or until it feels like it’s so late that they’re the only two souls left awake, humming while he washes his hair when they fuck around in the shower, smiling with a cocked eyebrow when Beomgyu calls him his soulmate.

And it should be fine; Soobin is his best friend. He cares for him, and he’s probably a little attracted to Beomgyu, too, for him to get on his knees on the dingy floor of the Hybe bathrooms for him. 

But Beomgyu’s having more and more trouble keeping the fear at bay. 

He’s scared. Every time he wants to call Soobin but ends up putting his phone away, the nagging dread of coming off too clingy overpowering the loneliness. Every time an idol stares at Soobin a little too long, appearing as if they’d ask him for his number after the show and Beomgyu thinks, ‘I’m being replaced’. Every time Soobin looks at him with something of a serious expression, and Beomgyu keeps waiting for ‘hey, I’ve been thinking, I shouldn’t be doing this, that was stupid, let’s stop, yeah? ’

Every time Soobin settles against him after they’re done - sleepy and soft looking from his orgasm, mindlessly tracing random shapes on whatever part of Beomgyu’s body he’s touching, and it all almost spills out of Beomgyu. And every time, Beomgyu finds himself having to bite his tongue hard enough to draw blood, to imagine Soobin’s face contorting with pity- his hands jumping away from him as if he’d been burnt- in order to get a grip.

Every time, Beomgyu fears, and the weight of it starts following him around. 

On the nights they lie together, the anxiety that it could have been the last time starts keeping him awake, despite the warmth of Soobin’s body, despite the calm lulling of his breathing. And during the days, the risk of being too transparent, of crossing an unsaid boundary, starts making him skittish. 

The conscious effort not to stare too long, not to linger too close - as if a single touch, a single look into his eyes would be giving himself out - it’s tiring. Beomgyu’s tired of being scared all the time.

Yet, when the reasonable part of himself tells him that he won’t be able to go on like this forever, every time, Beomgyu replies, watch me try. )

-

Then it gets worse - until Beomgyu breaks.

After so many months, they wrap up the last date of the tour. They all feel drained, relieved but sort of empty at the same time. 

Tomorrow, they're finally going home. 

And Beomgyu feels like an utter failure. 

He'd barely stopped crying after bidding their last farewell to the fans. He's let them down. He's let everyone down, during this tour. Soobin hasn't left his side since they stepped out of the stage. He got himself to calm down just enough for the staff to stop fussing and worrying about him, but now, back to his hotel room, wrapped inside sheets too soft on a bed too big that smells unfamiliar, he can't keep his tears from falling anymore.  

It's not too long before Soobin is done with his shower, and directly walks to Beomgyu's bed and climbs behind him, pulling him in. It makes Beomgyu feel simultaneously better and worse. 

(Later, he'd learn that Soobin personally asked their manager to room them together, so he could make sure Beomgyu was alright.  

"It's nice to see," their manager had admitted softly. "How you all care for each other. Makes me worry less." 

Of course, it's nice. It's the nicest thing; they all care for each other. Soobin cares for him. Beomgyu's just a terrible, greedy, ungrateful person, who always asks for more.) 

So Beomgyu lets himself be comforted by Soobin, lets himself cry and apologize and Soobin speaks soft words and holds him.  

"They hate me," he blabbers, delirious and miserable. It all feels - too much. He misses his family, the food from home, his own bed; he's so disappointed and mad at himself for getting sick, when everyone has been waiting for this, worked so hard for it, for putting this on top of all the rest on his members, for making them worry, for having Soobin so close and still wanting forever more. 

"No one hates you, Beomgyu," Soobin is quick to counter, even though Beomgyu shakes his head already. They must hate him - the fans, the staff, the members- Soobin, for being a pain even now, after he's already had to deal with Beomgyu's shit for so long. He must think the few blowjobs really aren't worth the energy he has to put in Beomgyu. Beomgyu's ruining this, too. 

"Beomgyu, no one hates you," Soobin repeats, voice harder. "Your family, the fans, the members, everyone cares for you. They love you," he insists, and Beomgyu tries not to cry harder. 

Soobin leans back then, and before Beomgyu can panic and latch onto him and beg him not to go, Soobin gently maneuvers him to lie on his back, with him hovering over, watching his face. Beomgyu wished he had turned the bedside light off; he wished Soobin didn't see him like that. 

"Beomgyu, you know I love you, right?" Soobin says then, voice honest and gentle. Beomgyu doesn't know what it's like to get stabbed, but he believes it's similar to this; the sharp pain in his chest, breaking right through his ribs and into his heart, bleeding a little more with each beat. 

It's almost there - almost what he wanted to hear. So close. But that's not what Soobin says. We love you should be enough, and it's not, and he can't let Soobin see that it isn't. So he pulls him down and hides his face into his neck, choking on his sobs. Soobin holds him still, caresses his hair, murmurs quiet 'it's okay, we're done now, we're going home's against his temple. 

It's a long time before he completely calms down. If it weren't for his hand still brushing his hair softly, Beomgyu would have thought Soobin fell asleep. They lay there in each other's arms for a while longer; they don't usually do that - not without it evolving into sex one way or another.  

Beomgyu's scared of what it means, so he makes a decision - if he’s bound to ruin everything anyway, he can at least try to take the most of it. 

With some struggling, Beomgyu manages to invert their position so that he is straddling him. When Soobin opens his mouth to say something, Beomgyu cuts him with a kiss. Soobin kisses back, but he's too soft. His hands hold onto his waist, making no move to touch anywhere else, so Beomgyu grabs them himself and pushes them to cup his ass, and punctuates by rubbing down onto his crotch intently. 

Soobin gasps, "Beomgyu-" 

"Soobin-hyung," he cuts again. He takes more courage than he thought it would, asking for it, when Soobin looks at him like that - eyes round, cheeks flushed. He doesn't look repulsed, so that's that. Just, questioning. A bit lost. Beomgyu takes a deep breath. "I want-" he starts, then again, "Would you…"  

God, he feels pathetic. "Fuck me. Please," he finishes pitifully. 

The hands on his ass tighten their grip. Soobin stays silent for an interminable minute during which Beomgyu regrets every single of his life choices. He breathes out slowly, then. "Beomgyu, are you sure?" he asks, and squeezes his skin again. "Do you want that?" 

Beomgyu throws the last of his pride to the trash. "Please," he says again, leaning down to hide into Soobin's neck once more. "I want it, please please please -"   

Soobin groans, and Beomgyu feels him nod against his hair. "Yeah, yeah, okay," he complies, and this time, when Beomgyu kisses him, he responds with just as much desperation. 

It's unfairly difficult to separate after a while of intense making out, but Beomgyu manages to lean back. "I'll go to the bathroom for a bit," Beomgyu breathes against his lips. Soobin pecks him, too sweetly, and nods. Beomgyu runs. 

He takes some time to get his bearings, washes his face off the remnant of salt from his tears. His fingers are a mess of shaking when he cleans himself; he's too impatient to go back, so he decides to leave most of the prepping to Soobin. It occurs to him that they may not have any lube; hopefully Soobin packed his expensive organic body oil.  

With one last breath, he emerges from the bathroom, sporting his t-shirt only.  

Soobin straightens up immediately from where he's been waiting on the bed; he looks as nervous as Beomgyu feels, and that's somehow reassuring. It's fine, he shouldn't be so anxious. It's just sex - not so different from what they've been doing all along.  

Soobin has already discarded his t-shirt, but is still wearing his shorts. From what Beomgyu can see, he's gone at least half soft during Beomgyu's absence, but he doesn't seem too worried about that. There's a brand new bottle of lube on the nightstand. Beomgyu eyes it pointedly when he climbs back to bed, and Soobin looks away bashfully. It makes Beomgyu smile, for some reason; Soobin smiles back at him, and he finally, finally breathes a bit easier.  

They fall to the bed kissing. Soobin gets rid of his last piece of clothing, and Beomgyu suddenly finds himself naked on Soobin's lap. 

Usually, they don't have the time to get completely naked when they do this - without mentioning the lack of light, most of the time. With the way Soobin looks at him, though, Beomgyu can't help feeling it's such a waste.  

Soobin busies himself with exploring Beomgyu's neck, and Beomgyu struggles to reach for the lube. 

It's the first time Beomgyu has someone else's fingers inside him; everything feels different. And it's not just someone else - it's Soobin, panting with his mouth open against his chest, pressing a kiss there occasionally. It's his thick, long fingers that Beomgyu is used to playing with like it's his own personal antistress, now wet and rummaging in him. 

He should have known Soobin wouldn't go easy on him; he's three fingers in, lips wrapped around a nipple, moving unhurriedly - and Beomgyu won't be able to take it much longer, his tights burning from holding himself up. He bends down, redirects Soobin's lips to his own, instead. Soobin hums.  

"'M ready," Beomgyu declares into his mouth, and lets himself fall back down Soobin's lap as soon as Soobin's fingers retreat. He feels terribly empty, but Soobin quickly reverses their position on the bed. And then, he stays there for a while, just gazing down at Beomgyu.  

Beomgyu doesn't mind the attention, but he finds himself getting somewhat shy under the scrutiny. Soobin must be having a field day; Beomgyu certainly makes for a debauched view under him. Beomgyu pulls him out of it by yanking his shorts down his thighs, and Soobin gets the message. 

They've talked about it before; Beomgyu had a girlfriend in highschool, but it never got very serious. Soobin had fooled around with some trainees, mostly for stress relief and by curiosity, and that was it. In silent agreement, they forgo a condom. Beomgyu can't help the swell of pride of being the first one, seeing Soobin like this - naked between his legs, eyes hazy, cheeks reddened, cock slicked up, all just for him - and immediately feels stupid for it.  

Soobin lines himself with Beomgyu's entrance, and Beomgyu holds his breath in anticipation - but the push doesn't come. The tip of his cock simply rubs against him, catching against the rim, but never actually breaching in; Beomgyu doesn't know if Soobin is trying to tease, or if he's just enjoying, the perv - and hates that it means he's a perv, too, for enjoying it as well.  

"Soobin," Beomgyu grunts, trying to sound reprimanding but coming off way too aroused. 

Soobin reddens some more - he really was just enjoying himself, the asshole - and throws an embarrassed little smile Beomgu's way. It's devastating, what it does to Beomgyu. Then, he finally starts pushing in. 

He's slow and careful, and Beomgyu tries very hard to focus on the feeling of being filled with Soobin, instead of the softness and care with which he handles him. Beomgyu keeps waiting for it to hurt, but it doesn't come. It burns, sure, but mostly it's just - a lot. It's overwhelming, the way Soobin slowly makes his way inside him with shallow trusts, deeper and deeper each time, opening Beomgyu in a way he didn't think his body even had the space for.  

Eventually, Soobin bottoms out, his hands stroking Beomgyu's tensed thighs soothingly. He's panting. When he looks up, his eyes widen and he leans down to cup Beomgyu's face. 

"Beomgyu, does it hurt? I'm sorry," he says, almost frantic, rubbing Beomgyu's cheek. It's wet. Beomgyu realizes he's crying again. God damnit. "Does it hurt?" he repeats. 

It does. It hurts a lot. But not the way Soobin is asking. Still, it's a better excuse for his tears than saying I'm so in love with you, so he nods. 

"I'm sorry," Soobin apologizes again. "Should we stop? I'm sorr-" 

"No!" Beomgyu interrupts, panicking at the idea of having this slip away from him too. "No, please," he repeats, softer. 

"...Alright," Soobin obliges after a minute, sensing his desperation. "Tell me what to do, Beomgyu," he asks quietly, still holding his face. 

"Kiss," Beomgyu demands, ever so greedy. Soobin smiles, and of course, complies. He always does. Beomgyu's awful. He needs to stop thinking. "Fuck me," he whispers against Soobin's lips, and Soobin does. 

- 

Taehyun looks at him blankly. 

"We were almost late for the airport waiting for you guys, in the morning," he recalls. Realizing. 

Beomgyu leans back on his chair. "Dry cum is a bitch to clean," he says in lieu of explanation. Taehyun closes his eyes, visibly trying to will the urge to get violent down. 

Not sparing him, Beomgyu adds, "Not recommending getting done in the ass when you have to spend hours sitting in an uncomfortable airplane seat, though." 

He had almost imagined Taehyun standing up and leaving at that, but instead, he scoffs. "Like you'd learn this kind of lesson." 

- 

He's absolutely right about that, of course. 

Getting the occasion to go all the way was already up to a stars alignment; time, privacy, energy, preferably no dance schedule the next day - these were scarce enough. Beomgyu wasn’t about to pass out on it for some discomfort on plane seats that aren’t the most comfortable to begin with.

And well, having to fly abroad turns out to be one of the best occurrences of all these requirements- especially with Soobin somehow managing to sweet talk the managers into rooming them together more often than not.

So, yeah.

It went exactly the same way when they were done promoting in Japan.

Beomgyu was still feeling the ache in his lower back, the dull emptiness Soobin had left inside him the same morning, as Soobin asked him to take 'boyfriend pics' of him at the airport.

When they were flying back from their last filming location, though, Soobin didn’t seem to share this sense of sacrifice. Beomgyu kept watching him squirm uncomfortably on his seat for the whole short flight, unable to keep a smug smile off his face when Soobin met his eyes, pouting.

(‘How did you do this for the whole flight back from America,’ he had asked when getting off, and Beomgyu had ended up giving him an extra quickie when they got back to their dorm as consolation - instead of saying something stupid, like it’s a small price to pay to be close to you, I’d pay it any time.)

It was fine, though. Beomgyu liked it better that way. 

They couldn’t really leave any marks on each other, in their line of work. So this slight ache - this lingering sensation on his body, Beomgyu relished it. It made these moments feel real. Lasting.

Like this, he could almost pretend.

-

He should have known better than letting himself take comfort in any of this.

But when he caught Soobin’s eyes as soon as he entered the breakroom yesterday, Beomgyu had suddenly been hyper aware of the dull aching of his jaw from that morning. 

“Thank you for filming with me,” Lim Jimin said, on Beomgyu’s steps.

Right. They just filmed a Tiktok together. Beomgyu finally unglued his eyes from Soobin’s. “Of course, we’ve been talking about filming something together for like… ever,” he offered with a smile, trying to act normal. He felt like he could almost smell Soobin all over him, still, even though there was no way he smelled something other than perspiration and faint traces of makeup product. 

He could somehow feel Soobin’s stare still on him. He shouldn’t look back, that’d be weird. But why was he looking at him like that? Did he do something wrong? Did he give himself out, somehow? Could he tell Beomgyu was thinking back on the morning and-

“Well, one of us is always busy these days,” Lim Jimin continued playfully while slipping an arm around his shoulder, making Beomgyu jump a little. He needed to calm down.

“Last time I heard you were an idol as well,” he scoffed, trying to mask his skittishness by rummaging into his pocket. Lim Jimin looked amused; it was good. If his close friend didn’t notice anything wrong with him, he was probably safe.

Beomgyu tried very hard not to look Soobin’s way when he saw him move from the corner of his eyes, approaching a staff member not too far from where Beomgyu and Lim Jimin were standing.

He failed. Soobin made eye contact with him as he talked, and Beomgyu forgot to look away.

Beomgyu startled once more when Lim Jimin spoke again, calling for attention with an embarrassed “Uhm…”, and Beomgyu only then realized he'd been saying something, and Beomgyu hadn’t heard a word.

“Oh, hm, sorry, what?” he stammered, then felt himself sweat when Lim Jimin followed his previous line of sight, observing Soobin for a while, before his eyes landed back on Beomgyu, appraising.

“Hey, I’ve been wondering for a while,” he said lowly then, a sly smile on his lips, “but are you two, like…you know?”

“What?” Beomgyu replied too quickly, voice too high. “No, I don’t know, what- what are you talking about?”

Lim Jimin had regarded him doubfully. “Like, you know. Dating. It’s chill by the way, not like I’m going to-”

Beomgyu’s laugh sounded deafening to his own ears. “What? No way! With Soobin-hyung?” he scoffed, for good measure. “No way. Who do you take me for? Like I’d want to d-date him!” he brushed off, stammering. Oh god. Beomgyu seriously deserved an oscar if Lim Jimin was convinced by this. He was practically sure he caught Kai rolling his eyes. His friend only smiled, looking amused, if anything.

“Oh my, sorry, don’t freak out like that, Beomie,” he grinned, not feeling sorry at all.

“Have someone accuse you of banging your bandmate, and see if you don’t freak out, ugh,” Beomgyu elbowed him, thinking ‘please shut up!! ’ to himself and feeling physically sick from the nerves; this right here had probably taken years off his lifespan. 

“So crude!” Lim Jimin laughed genuinely, though, so Beomgyu let a small sigh out. 

He didn’t even have time to feel relieved; when he looked past his shoulder, he caught Soobin’s back retreating as he exited the room, and Taehyun, who’d been on his way, threw him a distressed look.

Oh. That had made Beomgyu’s blood run cold. He had asked for help with a furtive glance to Lim Jimin, and Taehyun had rolled his eyes but still came to his rescue, walking over to make conversation as Beomgyu excused himself to the bathroom.

That was where he found Soobin, washing his hands with a closed expression on his face. He didn’t even look Beomgyu’s way. Beomgyu didn’t know what to say.

“Well, that was embarrassing,” were the first words that came hurtling out of him, sounding terribly awkward.

Soobin had finally looked up at him through the mirror, frowning, then scoffed as he turned to wipe his hands. “Good thing you’re awfully good at pretending,” he had said, voice full of sarcasm. “Almost believed you myself.”

Beomgyu could only stand there, frozen. Soobin… hadn’t bought it, uh.

Of course he hadn’t. Like Beomgyu could possibly say a lie such as ‘Like I’d want to date him’ and not give himself out completely. He had stuttered - he had fucking stuttered. Soobin knew him too well not to catch it.

He was still standing there when Soobin left the bathroom without sparing him another word.

That… was it, then, uh.

So, no oscar, he supposed.

He’s really been careful. All these times he had slipped, thought that maybe that was it, that he went too far - but Soobin had never said anything.

He’s been anxious about this all this time, and yet it took him by surprise. 

It’s almost funny; Beomgyu had always imagined it coming down to him professing his undying love dramatically by accident - at least he’d had gotten a real confession off his chest instead of this pitiful ‘What, me? Dating Soobin? Pff! Like I’d want that… Haha!’

…God.

Beomgyu pressed his face to the cold window of the car. He pretended it’s a headache when Kai worried at his gloomy expression, but he probably saw right through his excuse anyway. Soobin wasn’t in the car sitting besides him; that probably said enough. 

It was fine. He knew it was coming at some point. He had just imagined Soobin would be a bigger person about it, and not start avoiding him like the plague. Maybe he really was surprised, and just needed some time to process. To think what to do with Beomgyu now. 

Maybe he was just really disappointed. He had rights to be.

Beomgyu closed his eyes.

-

Taehyun has his face in his hands by the time he's done. 

After a while, he lets a long exhale out, and looks at Beomgyu seriously. "You gotta talk to him, hyung," is what he advises, almost looking defeated. 

Beomgyu groans exaggeratedly; he spilled all of his tragic backstory and this is all Taehyun has to say?! 

"Hyung, I'm serious! Something- something doesn't make sense, it just doesn't sound right," he frowns, as if frustrated himself. “Lim Jimin didn’t even mention anything, once you left- maybe it wasn’t as bad as you think?”

“Oh, it was that bad,” Beomgyu laments. ‘Like I’d want to d-date Soobin-hyung!’ rings in his mind, and he wants to send himself back to his mother’s womb.

Taehyun’s frown deepens. “But isn’t it weird that hyung would react like that? That he’d get it suddenly? Not to sell him short, but…” he trails off for the sake of politness. Soobin isn't the sharpest bulb in the crayon box, is what he means.

“Anyone would have gotten it, I assure you,” Beomgyu sighs. “Jimin’s been teasing me non stop.”

Taehyun keeps silent for a while. “Something’s just weird,” he mutters. Then, "Soobin-hyung did say he loved you, he wouldn't say it if-" 

"No, he said you guys loved me," Beomgyu corrects. "That's really not the same thing." 

"But…"  

He doesn't finish. It’s alright, Beomgyu doesn’t expect him to. There’s nothing much to say, really. Silence falls upon them, and Beomgyu sighs again.

"Oh, so you guys are doing that, too," Yeonjun's voice comes as he rounds the table to get to the fridge. He takes one look at their tired expression and snorts. "Yeah, I get it. I just finished the couple therapy thing with Soobin, too, so. Don't mind me, do your part." 

Couple therapy? Taehyun is faster to react and asks, cautious, "What do you mean?" 

Yeonjun offers a half shrug, reaching for an apple. He forgets to wash it before he takes a bite. "Y'know, the same thing as you're doing, I suppose. Soobin rants about his love life and I pretend I can actually help even though I got no bitches," he explains. Then he points his apple at Beomgyu. "You guys should really communicate more, y'know?" 

Right. He is Soobin's best friend, theoretically, he guesses it should be his job to… Wait, love life? Does Soobin have… he looks towards Taehyun, finds him already staring at him.  

Yeonjun doesn't even notice their reaction, just continues rambling. He says, "This ungrateful brat, too. I didn't sign up for this, and when everything is better all I get in return is 'hyung, you're just bitter because you're single and I'm not,' every time. Why do I even bother-" 

Beomgyu stands abruptly. His heart drops all the way to the floor. Yeonjun jumps at the sudden movement, and watches Beomgyu warily, standing in a half fighting stance. "Soobin isn't single?" he asks quietly. 

Yeonjun blinks, looks at Taehyun, then back at Beomgyu, then back at Taehyun. "Are you guys pulling a prank on me?" he accuses. 

Taehyun put his face in his hands again, letting a loud groan out. Beomgyu barely notices them. "But if he has someone, why would he- why would he…" Beomgyu shakes his head, even more lost. 

"Hyung," Taehyun says, voice tired. "You guys are dating," he concludes flatly, looking done. "You're the only one who doesn't know it, apparently." 

Beomgyu stares at him dumbly. When what Taehyun says dawns on him, he scoffs, incredulous. "What do you mean I don't know about it-" 

"Beomgyu," he drops the formalities. He looks like he's trying his best not to smash Beomgyu's head right onto the table. "Everyone thinks you're dating. Everyone - even Soobin-hyung. Soobin-hyung thinks you're dating. Go talk to him, for the love of god." 

"You guys can't be serious," Yeonjun comments quietly, as if to himself. He's sitting down now, and by the look on his face, he's enjoying the drama. Beomgyu glares at him.  

"Yeonjun-hyung," Taehyun calls, "did Soobin-hyung refer to Beomgyu-hyung as his boyfriend or something like that?" he asks, even though he looks like the answer won't surprise him. 

Yeonjun snorts. "Definitely." Taehyun looks back at Beomgyu, unimpressed. 

"But," Beomgyu starts, but comes up short. "What- when? What?" 

Taehyun pushes at his shoulders, not unkindly - not gently, either. "Go talk to him. Now." 

He starts walking before he even realizes. He doesn't know what's happening - but Taehyun looked ready to manhandle him into Soobin's room if he had to, so Beomgyu really doesn't have much of a choice. 

He feels halfway through an out-of-body experience when Soobin opens his door. 

He hadn't thought of what to say. He hadn't thought at all, his brain had caught fire when Taehyun had said 'boyfriend'. Soobin's eyes widen a bit when he finds him, but he quickly invites him in with a defeated sigh. 

Thankfully, before Beomgyu can blurt something stupid, Soobin speaks. "I'm sorry about yesterday," he says softly. Right. They can start with that, that works. Beomgyu sits on the edge of the bed, afraid his shaking legs will stop supporting him at any moment.  

Soobin continues, "I overreacted, I shouldn't have gotten upset. You didn't do anything wrong, I just…"  

"It's okay," Beomgyu reassures him. He doesn't even care anymore, he just doesn't really understand. "You just. Looked really mad." 

Soobin looks down. "Yeah, it’s just," he starts, then sighs. "I know it’s part of the deal, like- that we’re supposed to keep it lowkey, but. Well, it still stings a bit when you say things like that, like- like it’s disgusting or something, even though I know it’s not true,” he mumbles. Beomgyu is not sure he’s following. Soobin groans. “And now I sound all sensitive, ugh. I’m sorry. It’s not like you could just tell the truth, but- especially when he asked if we were dating like it’s a joke, you know? I just- I just wish I could get up and say, 'yep, that’s my boyfriend, what about it?' loud and clea-”

He's interrupted by a loud thud as Beomgyu's ass meets the floor, having slipped from the bed. Soobin is quickly kneeling in front of him, his hand warm on Beomgyu's knee. "Beomgyu? Are you-" 

Beomgyu has his face buried into his hands. "Hey," Soobin sounds worried, hand squeezing. "Beomgyu-yah, what's wrong?" he asks softly. 

Beomgyu can't believe this. Soobin had said- he had said- 

"Boyfriend," he breathes. It sounds unreal, even out loud. "You just called me your boyfriend," he says, more to himself than anything else. Soobin's fingers twitch on his knee, and Beomgyu hears him shift. When he looks up, Soobin has leaned back a little, sitting on his knees. 

His expression is clouded, as if he's sensing that something is terribly wrong. "Did you-" he starts, gnawing at his lower lip. Beomgyu almost believes he’s caught up, for a second, but then he continues, voice cracking a little: "Did you want to- to break up?" 

Before he knows it, Beomgyu pushes him on the chest, albeit weakly. Soobin only recoils a little, shock written all over his face. Beomgyu glares at him, feeling anger rush through his veins. Oh, you don't get to look like that, he thinks. You don't get to mourn over a relationship I didn't know existed, one that I've only been able to dream for for months-  

"Beomgyu," Soobin tries to pacify, reaching for his hand. "Can we talk about this? I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten upset, I-"  

His hand is snatched away, and Beomgyu pushes him for real, this time. Soobin stumbles backward with a surprised cry, but before he can't spurt some more nonsense, Beomgyu scrumbles over him, and pushes at his chest again - even though Soobin's already on the floor. "How dare you not tell me!" he snaps, letting his fists fall into his chest, before clenching over the fabric of his shirt. 

Soobin blinks at him, looking lost and confused and a little scared. "I've been trying so hard- so fucking hard - I've been so scared to ruin everything- that you- that you wouldn't want to have anything to do with me- that you'd stop wanting to fuck me or being my friend and- I've been driving myself insane over all this and you- And you just-" 

He's strated crying. He doesn't care. He hiccups when he finishes, weakly, "And you're telling me we've been dating all this time, and I had no fucking idea."  

He feels robbed. He should be happy, relieved - he'll probably be in a minute, but for now he just feels- like he's been miserable for so long for no reason at all. All of it could have been avoided. He could have had all he wanted, all this time, but he wasted it torturing himself instead. It’s so stupid. 

Beomgyu puts his hands over his face again, and continues sobbing over Soobin's lap. Soobin stays quiet for a long time, propping himself on his elbows. 

"You're being serious," is what he observes then, and Beomgyu immediately glares back at him through his tears. 

"Do I look like I'm fucking joking, Choi Soobin?" he snarls. 

Soobin doesn't react, keeps looking at him with a frown, like he's looking back and trying to process. 

Then, he recalls calmly, "We spent Valentine's day together at Lotte World," like it's relevant.  

Beomgyu sniffs. "I thought you just wanted the couple reduction." 

"We… We shared our first time." 

"It's just sex, it seemed you- you didn't care about these things," he replies slowly, wiping his eyes over his sleeve. "And I was in love with you," he adds, and damn. Wasn't that fucking easy. "That was enough for me." 

Soobin lets a long, shaky exhale out. "I hold your hand under the table. I never shut up about how pretty you are, even when we're in public. I try to stay up as long as possible to keep you company over the phone, because I know you won't fall asleep. I wore a dress shirt to meet your parents. I keep wearing that hoodie you gifted me years ago because it was your first gift to me and it's my favorite, even when it has a hole under the sleeve because I wear it all the time," he lists. 

Beomgyu blinks down at him. He doesn't have anything to say to that; it's all true. 

"I told you I loved you," Soobin finishes, a coup de grâce. Beomgyu fucking blushes.  

'You know I love you, right? ' he had said. 'You know I love you' - so certain that Beomgyu knew already. And he knew he loved him, of course, but, not like that- just- "As…bros?" he cringes, embarrassed of himself. Stupid. So stupid. 

Soobin lets himself fall on his back, lying completely on the floor. His eyes don’t leave the ceiling.

"I didn't mind that you didn't say it back," he says softly. "I thought you just needed some time - that you were shy. That it was why you were blushing and running away most of the time- that you were just being cute," he huffs, not quite a laugh. "But I was just having an imaginary relationship, apparently." 

Beomgyu's heart drops at the realization; Soobin, also, has been alone in this. 

Sure, it wasn't Beomgyu's terrible pining, but. It must have been lonely, having Beomgyu act like he did while they were supposedly in a relationship. The fact that Soobin would just put up with that and not even complain, not ask for more, it doesn't sit right with Beomgyu at all. He deserves better than that - Beomgyu can be better than that. 

"I'm sorry I was an idiot," Beomgyu admits, leaning down to rest his forehead against Soobin's chest. "And a coward. We could have realized sooner if I just…" 

Soobin shakes his head, and his arms come to circle around Beomgyu's shoulders. "I should have said something from the beginning," he counters. "I thought… I thought you confessed to me? Back then. And I thought that it was - clear, when we kissed after, but… But, things that are important," he reflects, "we need to say them." 

Beomgyu still can’t fucking believe this. He can’t tell which of them is the most stupid - Beomgyu for spending months not realizing he was basically dating the guy he’s been pining over for years, or Soobin who didn’t notice his own alleged boyfriend had fucking no idea they even were a thing.

He guesses they’re really a match. God, it’s so embarrassing. The others will never let them live this down. 

Soobin squeezes his hold around Beomgyu then, who rubs his face to his front in reply. "Beomgyu," he calls simply, "be my boyfriend?" 

Beomgyu straightens up, hearts in his throat, burst out of laughter. He guesses this is long due. He has to make up for the poor excuse of a boyfriend he’s been for these past few months. 

Soobin is smiling up at him when his laughter subsides. Beomgyu smiles back. "I thought you'd never ask."

-

Soobin lets a small, breathy laugh out. Beomgyu’s been busying himself snuggling into his chest, letting his hand roam free over his body, tracing the skin over the crevices and bumps of his bones.

“Hm?” Beomgyu inquires, pressing a kiss in the dip of his collarbone.

“I thought you weren’t a cuddler,” Soobin admits, shrugging but sounding amused. “Or, like, a tsundere.”

Beomgyu scoffs, almost offended. “You have no idea how hard it was to keep my hands for myself,” he informs him, because. “Just thought, you know. Spending hours kissing your face wasn’t very just-best-friends-with-benefits like.”

“A shame, really,” he sighs. Then, as if reproaching, “I did cuddle you though, and you still didn’t catch a clue.”

Beomgyu keeps himself from rolling his eyes. “You’re you. A huge cuddler. That doesn’t mean shit about you,” he responds, burying his nose into Soobin’s jaw, nuzzling. “Or I should be worried about what it means about you and Kai.”

He feels Soobin grimace. “Fair enough,” he concedes.

“Anyway, now that it’s all cleared up… Be ready,” Beomgyu declares, pressing kisses under his jaw, and Soobin sighs.

“Please, come at me with all you got,” he accepts easily, sounding almost hypnotized, on the verge of sleep. Beomgyu smiles when he feels his pulse, slow and steady, against his lips.

Soobin huffs a small laugh again. “Every time I wanted to cuddle, things ended up spicy one way or another. I’ve been thinking, ‘damn, he’s just really horny’ all this time.”

Beomgyu bites at his neck, earning himself a ‘ow!’ then another sigh when he kisses it better. “I thought you were always horny! Thought you wanted things to get spicy whenever you came to me,” he grumbles, moving to another spot of his neck reluctantly to avoid leaving a mark.

Soobin falls silent for a second, then, “You… you did want to have sex with me all these times, right? You didn’t, like. Force yourself, right?”

And, well. Beomgyu hoped he’d at least been clear about his enthusiastic consent, if nothing else. He can’t have Soobin doubt that, now can he?

He props himself up and dips for Soobin’s mouth, biting at his lips and then lapping at them wetly for relief, and after a deep kiss, moves to the side to grasp at Soobin’s ear. 

“What do you think,” he breathes, arching when Soobin’s hands slip under his shirt, cupping the small of his back as per sheer habit already.

The cuddle session follows its course; guess things aren’t so different, after all.