Chapter Text
Jimin POV: Late September 2014
Park Jimin was thinking about Jeon Jungkook...again. When was he not? They worked together. They played together. Most nights they cuddled and slept in the same bed, as they were now. Holding him like this was something he had never allowed himself to dream of before earlier this year and now they cuddled most nights; they did this even when in the US for American Hustle Life and all the boys had had to share one room again.
He studied the sleeping man in his arms. He really could not think of him as a boy anymore, not after the things they had shared on the rare occasions they could sneak in since getting together in May. Their hectic schedules and the constant manager supervision kept activities to a minimum. It was downright frustrating, but honestly, he had to admit, it was probably for the best. He was certain Jungkook would have convinced him to have sex already. Jimin knew he was whipped for this very talented, creative, and naughty man.
His fingers traced Jungkook’s strong jawline and continued to trail around his ear. His fingers found their way to carding through his newly black hair without conscious thought. He appeared very young and cute while asleep. Yet when they were alone, cute was not a word that came to Jimin's mind. Their Army often described Jungkook as having a duality, a different personality on and off the stage. He thought they would faint if they could see the Jeon Jungkook that exists only for Park Jimin.
His smile faltered as his fears resurfaced, like they had been doing nearly every night lately. No matter how manly he seemed to him, Jungkook was still two years younger and essentially straight. Jungkook had yet to say anything that made Jimin think he viewed them as more than friends with benefits.
Listening to Jungkook describe the perfect girl during interviews and hearing him choose Jimin last or next to last in looks really hurt. It left him insecure even though he knew it was just a part of their job, scripted for humor's sake.
Although it was crystal clear Jungkook enjoyed exploring each other's bodies and the all the cuddles and attention, he couldn't help but doubt.
It didn't help that Jimin felt a bit like he was taking advantage of the younger. Yet sometimes it felt the other way around. His brain was mush when he thought about it all. On one hand, he is the hyung. On the other, it was always the younger coming up with the activities they could try and pushing for them to happen. The latest thing he came up with was for them to complete BDSM Checklists. He had messaged him a blank copy of the multi-page list with links where he could look up the activities. He had had no clue most of those things existed. The few he had had time to look up had been startling to say the least. Jungkook wanted them to complete their own copies, so they can compare and figure out where their interests overlapped. Jimin had barely started working on it, but Jungkook kept asking about his progress. He had already identified a few 'hard no' activities. He had started dubbing the document as 'The List' with capital letters when he thought of it. He was sure Taehyung would want a copy as well... once he was brave enough to talk about it.
In just less than a year now, Jungkook would be an adult and the company would let him visit the escorts. Once he had access, he was afraid he would be left heart broken, no longer needed. He could do all those kinky things with women with no worries about getting caught. That fear had him wanting to call things off in the hopes it would hurt less now, but his heart didn't want him to. Just the thought of pushing Jungkook away speared his heart with a sharp pain.
He took a ragged breath and ran his fingers through his own hair, the familiar gesture calming him somewhat.
The way he saw it, the odds were stacked against him that the golden maknae would fall in love with him, and he was dreading the inevitable heartache. He goes through this same emotional struggle nearly every night. He tries constantly to focus on work and enjoy every moment with the person who holds his heart while he can, but thoughts always creep in, especially in the quiet hours when sleep eludes him. Thoughts about how idols weren't allowed to date and how being in a gay relationship was a death certificate for their careers. He knew whatever they were or would become had to remain steadfastly hidden. Even if they beat the odds and Jungkook came to love him, they could never publicly be together...and that hurt too. Wouldn't Army want them happy?
When they first started discussing things months ago, Jungkook felt that more serious acts like oral and anal sex were for couples in a committed relationship. Jimin had agreed back then that they really couldn't and shouldn't go there. He had other reasons for thinking so.
For one, Jimin needed to be sure Jungkook was mature enough to decide they were doing the right thing. He never wanted the younger to feel regret about their relationship. Then again, Jungkook seemed more mature than Taehyung who had been an adult for a while, so there was that.
Another concern was strictly built on not knowing how their bodies would respond to that kind of intrusion. Even though he liked watching porn, he still felt uncomfortable with the thought of actually doing those things with Jungkook. In the videos, the bottom seemed like he was in pain when getting rammed. Could the guy even walk the next day he wondered. The thought of his dick being squeezed tight in warmth and making Jungkook moan was enticing, but he didn't want to actually hurt him. They all need to be able to perform, not limp around in pain. The thought of being on the receiving end of the younger's long cock simultaneously turned him on and scared the hell out of him for the same reason.
Jimin was equally confused about oral. Watching someone gag on a cock and watching someone's throat expand with a cock down it turned him on to no end, but the thought of gagging and not being able to breathe was scary...maybe if it was Jungkook's, he could learn how... for him. There isn't much he wouldn't do for him. He knew he was a lost cause every time he looked into those sparkling eyes.
Those thoughts led him to memories of things they had already done. He loved letting the younger lead in the moment but afterwards he felt like he was failing at being a man. He wasn't sure how to explain his thoughts and feelings to himself let alone to others, so he hadn't even talked to Tae about what he was feeling. Jungkook made Jimin feel beautiful and desired every single time they were intimate. All the discordant thoughts in his head would disappear. He was able to let go and let Jungkook be in charge of his body and his pleasure. It felt incredibly addicting, but also terribly frightening. Being a man meant you were supposed to be in charge. Being his hyung meant he was supposed to take care of his dongsang. Letting the younger take the reins was amazing in the moment, but afterwards Jimin found himself questioning everything he knew about who he was supposed to be.
He was confusing himself so much. He wanted him, wanted their love to be mutual, wanted to be together even if they had to hide it. All the feelings and hurdles were overwhelming. He sometimes felt it would have been so much easier if Jungkook had never become attracted or he had never found out about it. He needed to sort himself out before things progressed. Thankfully or unthankfully, their work was all consuming and there had been very limited alone time.
He kept trying to come up with ways to tell the younger he was in love with him. He was fairly certain Jungkook's feelings fell in the realm of loving only a friend, but was there a chance he felt differently? He really needed to find out if there was any hope before he drove himself crazy.
He attempted to steer his mind away from the unwanted thoughts, but his brain just worried over to other unhelpful things.
They were being very cautious when they snuck around. After all, there was almost always one of the managers around, even in the dorm. That wouldn't change until Jungkook's birthday in September, so many months away. Then the company would not be legally responsible for providing adult supervision. They would all meet the legal definition of adulthood. It was dumb, because society would consider him an adult at the Lunar new year.
They had only one manager-free night before they left for the US last spring. They made the most of it and suffered for havingno sleep the next day. It was totally worth it. Their second night went much like their first. There was only so much they could get away with in the dorms with all the members there. That was also before Jungkook had found The List he keeps bugging him about.
The BDSM checklist was extensive and covered so many activities. The way the younger explained it, they were going to compare where they stood on each activity which was to be marked as, 'Hard No', 'Ambivalent, but would try if partner(s) wanted', 'Curious, would like to try it', or 'Done it, love it, want to do again'. So far, it had Jimin curious. He decided he would start going through it more thoroughly tomorrow. Afterall, he knew it would please his baby.
He smiled while stroking the younger's raven hair. He liked this color better on him. The burgundy looked nice, but this color just seemed more him. Jimin truly enjoyed sleeping and cuddling together with Jungkook. It hadn't been discussed. It just started happening that first night. Sometimes they would take turns cuddling and sleeping with Hobi or Tae or sleeping by themselves to try to hide what was going on, but most nights they were with each other.
In the beginning they would tease each other to try to get each other hard, but eventually decided it was entirely too frustrating, because they routinely couldn't sneak out toget each other off. Taehyung and Hobi let them know in no uncertain terms there would be no making out or games in the bedroom after they heard one to many forays, but sneaking out had the real possibility of getting caught. So they just cuddled and slept... most of the time.
Jimin felt like it was Fate that brought BTS together, that had brought Jungkook to him. He truly felt he’d been gifted a miracle getting to be with him. He knew he would have to let go when the younger wanted to move on to something serious. He wasn't sure how he would survive when that finally happened. For tonight, he decided to let future Jimin worry about that. Every time he caught the younger staring at him, he sensed a connection unlike anything he’d ever felt before. And that was without physical contact. When they touched, it was electricity.
Hopefully, if Fate brought them together, maybe there was a chance he could win his love.
His constant roller coaster of emotions was driving him nuts. He felt amazing when with Jungkook, but once he was alone or the other was asleep, his brain would constantly insert negative what-ifs. He realized he needed some kind of commitment to shut that voice up, but what on earth could they do? Any idol who had come out had lost their contract and faded into obscurity. They could not be the reason BTS were disbanded. It would help if he could be sure of the younger's feelings. At least he knew he would get more sleep. Right now, no matter how tired his body, his mind kept him awake.
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Just when he thought he might sleep, his mind drifted further. Until late last year, Jimin had tried to be the man he felt everyone expected him to be. During interviews he had told fans he imagined himself falling in love with the one girl he would spend forever with. He had convinced himself of this, because he had never been attracted to a girl to the point of actually wanting to date, so logically he just hadn't met her yet. He found women beautiful but the thought of kissing them didn't really do anything for him.
He felt like something was broken in him, so he tried hard to act how all the other guys did around girls. He thought maybe everyone did that until it finally felt natural, like when learning a new choreography, practice until it felt right. That lie worked until he started noticing Jungkook growing up. At some point, the younger stopped looking like a kid. He found himself attracted to his muscles and the body he was developing. He would catch himself flirting with the maknae unconsciously. Luckily no one took him seriously and everyone chocked it up to just boys playing...well almost everyone. His best friend, Taehyung figured it out before Jimin himself had. He and Taehyung had become best friends almost from the moment they met two years previously. They told each other almost everything. Tae had pointed out to Jimin what was happening and made him realize he was falling for their youngest member.
He couldn't let himself consider the thought of being gay, so he convinced himself he had to be bisexual. To that reckoning, he could still have the normal life that everyone expected of him, getting married and having a family someday after idol life ended. He could keep the shameful side of him hidden. Once he became an adult, he became determined to take advantage of the escorts. If he could be with a woman, then he would stop being attracted to their youngest member.
That idea ended up being a resounding failure. He went with a beautiful Korean escort. She was lovely to look at and was nice enough, but there was zero chemistry. They kissed and made out with her leading, teaching, but he felt zero connection. He couldn't even get hard. He tried a second time to be sure. This time with a beautiful blonde Russian girl. She also took the initiative, caressing him at every opportunity. She would have done more if he let her, but it was apparent his body wasn't responding, and he didn't want to embarrass himself or her by attempting anything further. They had talked about it, and she had made him feel better about himself. They had definite friendship chemistry at least. They still sometimes got together for dinner under the guise of him using the escort. It was nice having someone to talk to about things he just couldn't with the others. He did talk a little with Tae and Hobi. They knew his sexuality, but otherwise, after crying and hating himself for being broken, he decided to focus on work and try not to think about any of it. It wasn't like he had to deal with it for years when his family finally realized he never talked about dating or wanted to bring anyone home. He was determined to bury his libido and heart. The problem was he still found himself flirting with Jungkook without meaning to. He would admonish himself, but then find himself doing it again.
He really needed to stop. He was afraid his flirting made the youngest uncomfortable. When he explained what was happening to his bestie, Tae made an offhand comment that he just needed to masturbate more. As it turned out, that worked. If he masturbated enough, he could focus on work and flirt a lot less. He didn't want to make Jungkook feel weird. It wasn't his fault he was growing up to be so desirable. Jimin became really good at masturbating quietly and quickly in the bathroom. Even though he was finally paying less attention to Jungkook, he couldn't help but always be acutely aware of the youngest, so he noticed when Jungkook started watching him with a burning gaze during warm up before practice. Jimin had always practiced his contemporary dance moves as part of warmup, but Jungkook being very attentive was new.
Jimin thought he might be imagining what he wanted to see, so he decided to test it. He made his warm up moves a bit more erotic. After all, maybe the younger was just fascinated by contemporary dance. He watched carefully for his reactions. Jungkook's countenance was pained when Jimin moved with liquid grace across the floor. Soon thereafter, Jungkook started wearing more loose/baggy clothing and seemed to have a hard time focusing on practice. He was almost certain the younger was hiding a hard-on. He had wanted to believe it was because of him, but he couldn't be sure. Body’s were weird sometimes. Yay hormones.
It wasn't until that night months ago when Jungkook had mumbled he was stroking himself to the thought of a guy that it all lined up. Thank goodness he hadn't been mistaken. He didn't even consider he might be wrong until later. Since then, Taehyung and Hobi had done their best to obfuscate the affection the couple unconsciously showed each other in front of the other members and staff. He was very thankful for their support. He was sure someone would have caught on by now if it wasn't for them.
He really wished he was brave enough to just talk to him and find out what he was feeling. He came to the decision that he couldn't do this anymore. His performance was starting to suffer from lack of sleep. He would have to talk with Jungkook soon. With that decision made, he was finally able to snuggle up to his love and let sleep overtake him.