Archive of Our Own

i. so it's summer, so it's suicide

It had been raining earlier that morning.

It’s still drizzling now, but nothing like the storm which had woken Sunwoo up. He leans his head against the window and traces his finger down the glass, watches as a single raindrop slowly rolls down. The train rolls into a station and he watches through the window as people get on and off and he glances around the platform. There’s a couple sitting on a bench sharing earphones.

The train starts moving again.

Sunwoo sighs and leans back into his seat, closing his eyes and turning up the volume on his music blasting through his headphones. He’s still got a while left on his journey home.

He’s thankful for the air conditioning but he knows, as soon as he steps outside, a blistering heat will greet him. Sunwoo never knew if he actually enjoyed summer or just liked the romanticization of it.

His few belongings from his dorm room sit in a box on the empty seat next to him. Sunwoo wishes he could stay on this train forever.

*

His parents aren’t home. Sunwoo knows this because the last time he’d talked to them had been last week when his mother told him they’d booked a spontaneous vacation to Europe. Second honeymoon, she’d called it and immediately after asked if Sunwoo would be okay spending the summer home alone. You could invite Eric over, she’d said. And Haknyeon, Hyunjun.

For three months? Sunwoo had wanted to reply but he’d swallowed it down. Simply said he’d be fine, to enjoy their vacation.

He sends a text to his mother anyway, letting her know he arrived safely.

Sunwoo stands in the doorway to his bedroom for a few seconds, taking everything in. It hasn’t changed much. Bed against the wall, desk in front of the big window, a door leading to his bathroom. 

He leaves his suitcase and the cardboard box in a corner before opening the door to his small balcony, letting in some fresh air. A heatwave immediately greets him but there’s a slight breeze outside and it’s better than how stuffy his room felt before. Growing up, he’d spent many summer nights outside on his balcony, looking up at the night sky, or talking to his best friend Eric through their shared walkie talkies. The toys sit now in a box up in the attic, collecting dust.

He throws himself on his bed and pulls his pillow over his face, enjoying the darkness and coldness of the fabric. Absently, he realizes his mother must have changed his bed sheets before he came home. His chest tightens.

They don’t know what happened during the winter. They don’t know what happened to him because he hadn’t called them, hadn’t let them know, hadn’t picked up the phone and said hey, I want to come home.

It would’ve been so easy.

Instead, he finished the semester, albeit with terrible grades and his GPA dropping, and he’d packed up his dorm room, one side already emptied since the winter, and the guys in the room next to his told him to have a good summer and one of them, whose face is only a blur in Sunwoo’s memory, had said see you after break! 

Sunwoo had smiled and said yeah.

That had been a lie.

The people on his floor were nice and they got along well enough, but they weren’t friends, not really. While everyone else seemed to have various groups of friends, Sunwoo only had Haknyeon and Eric and Hyunjun.

But he doesn’t talk to Haknyeon anymore, Eric is spending the first weeks of summer with his family and Hyunjun﹣

Sunwoo swallows. Thinking about Hyunjun just makes his chest hurt, so he tries not to. He doesn’t want to think about him or college or his parents or anything that happened.

Sunwoo hugs the pillow to his chest, staring at his ceiling. The glow in the dark stars which he’d glued on one night with Eric are still there.

It feels weird to be back home.

*

The house is dark when Sunwoo goes downstairs later that night, walking down the long hallway and crossing through the kitchen. From behind the big glass doors in their living room, he can see the pool glistening in the moonlight.

Pool cleaned, fridge stocked with food, enough money on the table. His parents left him with just enough so he wouldn’t have to take care of everything this summer.

Just relax, his mother had said on the phone. Do your summer homework.

They don’t know he dropped out. They don’t know he probably won’t be here when they come home in September.

He crosses the living room, doesn’t bother to turn on any lights. Their house is big. Sunwoo’s never liked living in it.

But his parents have money and when people have money they flaunt it and when his father is a renowned architect it’s a given they have to have the best designed house in their neighborhood.

He sits down by the poolside, dipping his feet in the water. The coldness numbs him for a few minutes before his body relaxes, but he secretly wishes he’d never get used it, that he’d always feel like he does when he gets in contact with freezing water﹣a numbness that overtakes his body, his mind, that swallows him whole. He thinks he’d prefer it to feeling everything at once or nothing at all, depending on how he wakes up.

His reflection stares back at him in the water. Sunwoo moves his feet once and it disappears. 

He grabs his bowl with one hand and his lighter with the other. He’d already packed it in his room before deciding to come downstairs, had felt too stuffy in his childhood bedroom, even with the window open. He lights it and lets his entire body relax for the first time that day.

He started smoking when he was seventeen, hiding with Eric at the park late at night or holing up in Eric’s bedroom. Eric’s parents never seemed to mind and if they smelled the smoke, they didn’t say anything.

They continued with it in college﹣it was a good way to pass time, before studying, after studying, sometimes during. Haknyeon joined sometimes, so did Hyunjun, but most of the time it was him and Eric﹣and a lot of the time it was Sunwoo alone in his room, when he knew he was getting bad again. Which, at that time, happened more than he’d liked to admit to himself. It was easy to brush it off, when he woke up sad again. That he just had an off day, that it was okay to skip his classes.

He stopped smoking after the funeral. He stood outside the church, freezing in his suit because it was winter and he forgot to wear his jacket and it had started to snow and Sunwoo had stared at the Marvel lighter Hyunjun had gifted him and knew he didn’t deserve to numb himself anymore, deserved all the rage and grief and apathy and self-loathing that was hitting him all at once.

He tells himself tonight is an exception. He made it home, he didn’t snap at his mother over the phone, he made himself dinner and ate it in the dark dining room and didn’t look at the knife block on their kitchen counter. He deserves to numb his mind for one night.

His reflection blinks back at him. Sunwoo splashes the water again and breathes the smoke out.

*

eric: if chanhee invites u out
eric: say yes

*

Sunwoo doesn’t know if Eric and Chanhee planned this or not but when he opens the door the next evening Chanhee’s greeting him, dressed in an outfit too revealing for their suburban neighborhood.

“You dyed your hair,” Sunwoo says stupidly, his throat scratching. He coughs, once. He hasn’t talked to anyone since yesterday.

“Hello to you too.” Chanhee raises his eyebrows, dyed pink hair falling into his eyes. He tilts his head, voice dropping to a softer tone. “How are you?”

Of course he knows. Eric’s probably told him since Eric has no issue talking to their friends. Sunwoo shrugs. “Fine,” he says. “Eric said if you invite me out I should say yes.”

Chanhee grins. “He knows you too well. Get dressed.”

“I am dressed.”

Chanhee frowns at his hoodie which Sunwoo had thrown on carelessly when Chanhee was ringing his doorbell, his sweatpants, his messy hair which he hasn’t brushed since yesterday.

“Put on some jeans, at least,” Chanhee sighs.

*

sunwoo: i wanted to watch that new netflix show tonight

eric: u have the entire summer for that
eric: thank me

sunwoo: oh thank u great eric sohn

eric: <3
eric: stay safe babe use protection

sunwoo: ew

*

The party Chanhee drags him to is on the other side of their town, in another rich neighborhood because rich kids are bored and reckless and those kid’s parents are always away for some reason. Sunwoo knows that all too well.

It’s loud and stuffy and Sunwoo regrets wearing his hoodie and after ten minutes he wishes he would’ve just ignored Chanhee knocking on his door. He hangs out with Chanhee’s friends for a while, Changmin dragging him into a hug immediately when he sees him and Sunwoo allows it because he’s always been closest with him.

But Changmin has a boyfriend now and Sunwoo vaguely recognizes him when Changmin introduces him as Sangyeon﹣he was a senior in high school when Sunwoo was a freshman and he only remembers him because Sangyeon had always been nice to him and Eric when all the other seniors looked down on them.

“Oh, Sunwoo.” Chanhee tugs at his arm and he turns to find a new face next to Chanhee, kind eyes and hair pinned back in a half ponytail. 

That was the first thing Sunwoo registered about Kevin when he thinks back to this meeting later. His eyes.

“You remember Kevin?”

“Uh﹣”

Sunwoo remembers a Kevin, a Canadian boy who transferred to their school in the middle of the year, immediately befriending Chanhee and the others. Sunwoo’s never talked to him in school, only remembers him because Sunwoo had been friends with Chanhee and whenever he talked with Chanhee, Kevin had been there.

Eric’s befriended him quickly, though, because that was Eric﹣social butterfly, extrovert, welcoming and open and making you think you’d been his friend for years.

But Sunwoo wasn’t Eric.

In school, Sunwoo and Kevin had always orbited near each other, but not around. Both in friend groups who were friends with each other but still they’ve never talked.

Now, at a random party in the stuffing June heat, Sunwoo talks to Kevin for the first time.

“Hi.”

Kevin smiles kindly, eyes twinkling with something Sunwoo can’t place and nods. “Hi.”

Turning to Kevin, Chanhee says, “Do you remember him? He’s best friends with Eric.”

Kevin blinks once and then laughs. “Oh, I definitely remember Eric.”

Sunwoo’s chest tightens but he forces to keep a smile on his face. He’s not Eric. He’ll never be Eric.

*

Half an hour later and Sunwoo’s sitting on the side porch, warm beer in his hand and listening to the muffled music playing. He would sit outside at the back of the house, but that one looks out over the backyard, the pool, and it’s occupied by nearly everyone at this party. The side door next to the kitchen, leading into the driveway, is a good enough spot for Sunwoo to hide out.

He wishes he could go home. He wishes he could force himself to move, to get up, to find Chanhee and tell him he’s leaving, but he finds himself rooted to this spot. Maybe it’s the heat. It’s night, so the weather has cooled down, but being inside a hot, stuffy room with too-many-to-count teenagers and young adults, and wearing an oversized hoodie, has exhausted Sunwoo.

He rolls his sleeves up and, in doing so, reveals the three burn scars on his left arm. He traces his fingers over them. Three round circles, too bright against his skin. The door opens suddenly and he stills, fingers still splayed over his scars.

“Younghoon, here you are﹣”

The voice sounds familiar. Sunwoo turns slightly and looks over his shoulder and Kevin’s staring down at him, surprise on his face. “Oh. You’re not Younghoon.”

“No.” Sunwoo shakes his head and rolls down his sleeves. “Sorry.”

He doesn’t see the frown on Kevin’s face. Kevin says nothing for a few seconds and then the door clicks closed and Sunwoo thinks he’s gone inside again when a weight settles down next to him. He lifts his head and blinks at Kevin, but Kevin’s looking down the driveway. “Younghoon’s wearing a dark hoodie too, so I assumed you were him.”

Sunwoo nods. “‘S okay.”

Kevin looks at him. Sunwoo looks away. “Chanhee’s looking for you.”

Sunwoo nods again. “Figured.”

“Should I reveal your super secret hideout to him?”

Sunwoo lets out an airy laugh at that and when he looks up, Kevin’s grinning at him. “Finally. I told myself I’d make you laugh at least once tonight.”

Sunwoo huffs out another laugh. “No, you didn’t.”

“Sure,” Kevin replies. “In the one minute since I’ve sat down I realized I needed to see a smile on your face.”

Despite everything in him, Sunwoo grins. “Oh, yeah?”

Kevin nods. “You looked miserable out here. But why would you be miserable? After all, you’re at this great party where people are getting drunk and puking in bushes and having sex in the pool and the music is so loud it’s shattering your eardrums.”

Sunwoo laughs again, vaguely aware of Kevin’s eyes on him. “Score. Two points for me.”

Sunwoo leans his elbow on his knee, hiding his smile behind his hand. “You keeping score now?”

Kevin shrugs. “Gotta find a way to keep me entertained.” He’s grinning too, mirroring Sunwoo’s stance. “You’re not the party type either, right?”

Sunwoo shakes his head. “Chanhee came to my house and I felt bad declining, so. Here I am.”

Kevin hums and abruptly stands up. Sunwoo blinks in surprise when Kevin holds out a hand to him. “I’ll talk to Chanhee, you walk me home. Deal?”

Sunwoo swallows, his throat feeling too dry, looking between Kevin’s hand and the smile on his face. After what feels like an eternity, Sunwoo slowly reaches his hand up and Kevin intertwines their fingers. “Deal.”

*

Kevin is one year older than him, dropped out of college a year ago and has been working various jobs to make ends meet. He says it’s not much but he’s content.

Sunwoo almost tells him he dropped out too, but then Kevin would ask why and Sunwoo doesn't know how to answer that without revealing too much of himself. Because I want to die, would be his first impulsive answer, the ugly truth that’s been clawing at his throat for some time now. Because it’s useless.

Because Haknyeon doesn’t talk to me anymore and Hyunjun is gone and Eric would be better off without me.

“Here we are.” Kevin spreads his arms out like he’s showcasing some grand home when in reality they’re standing in front of a nondescript apartment building, rows and rows of the same doors staring back at them. Kevin tilts his head back to smile at Sunwoo and drops his arms. “Thanks for walking me home.”

“Thanks for talking to Chanhee for me.”

Kevin grins. “Will you be okay going home on your own?”

Sunwoo nods. “I’m fine. I don’t live far from here,” he lies.

Kevin seems relieved. “Alright. Good night, Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo smiles slightly. He likes the way Kevin says his name. “Good night, Kevin.”

Kevin’s halfway up the stairs when Sunwoo calls his name again and he turns around, waiting. “Will I﹣” Sunwoo stumbles over his words, suddenly feeling embarrassment wash over him. “Will we see each other again?”

Kevin smiles and hums. “Ask Chanhee for my number. You can’t avoid him forever.”

“I’m not﹣” Sunwoo purses his lips. “I’m not avoiding him.”

“Good,” Kevin grins. “Then you’ll have no problem asking him for my number and answering his questions because Chanhee was very curious that you left with me tonight.”

Sunwoo huffs out a laugh. “Good night, Kevin.”

*

sunwoo: whats kevins number

chanhee: look who’s alive

sunwoo: sorry
sunwoo: whats kevins number

chanhee: shameless
chanhee: [contact shared]
chanhee: u owe me boba

sunwoo: fine
sunwoo: thanks

*

eric: sunwoos making friends all on his own
eric: wiping my tears rn
eric: im so proud

sunwoo: fuck off
sunwoo: gossip central with chanhee i see

eric: 😛
eric: text him
eric: hang out with ur friend

sunwoo: when are u coming back

eric: last week of august babey
eric: september we can move into our apartment
eric: dont miss me too much

*

Sunwoo met Eric when they were seven years old on the first day of school, when Eric had accidentally ran into him at the playground and their heads knocked together. Sunwoo’s nose had been bleeding and he had a bump on his head for weeks but they’d been inseparable ever since.

So, it was a given that they went to the same college. It was a given they applied to be roommates together. It worked for their first year, but they got separated in their second year. It didn’t turn out to be bad, though. They were still on the same floor, a few rooms apart, and Eric’s roommate had been Haknyeon.

Sunwoo got paired with Hyunjun.

That was the beginning of the end, maybe.

Eric had always talked about living together with Sunwoo after college, maybe even during, and for the past year Eric had been vigorously apartment hunting. Sunwoo had been content to let Eric take the reins on that. Sunwoo just hopes Eric won’t be too mad when Sunwoo backs out. The money won’t be an issue. Sunwoo’s already planned to leave all of his trust fund to Eric.

*

One summer, when they were sixteen, they’d been catching insects.

“I’m bored,” Sunwoo had said for maybe the fifth time already.

There was a mosquito flying around him, the buzzing uncomfortably close to his ear. Sunwoo swatted it with his hand.

“You already said that,” Eric unhelpfully replied. They’d been in the garden behind Eric’s house and while Sunwoo was sitting on the terrace, under the sunshade, Eric was traipsing around his garden, butterfly net in one hand as he tried to catch insects.

Even though Sunwoo was in the shade, the umbrella did little to shield him from the sun glaring down, the heat sweltering around them. It was only nine in the morning and Sunwoo already felt sweaty and gross.

Eric yelled out a triumphant “Ha!” as he swung his net down, effectively catching something. “Can you bring the box over here?” he called over his shoulder.

Sunwoo looked down at the little box by the steps of the terrace, air holes at the top. A grasshopper was already jumping around in it. He sighed and put his baseball cap back over his head before grabbing the box and joining Eric in the garden.

He handed the box over and squatted down next to his friend, trying to peep through the net. “You caught two?” he asked, surprised. Eric nodded proudly.

Sunwoo mustered the dragonflies caught under the net. “I think they’re mating,” he said slowly.

“What.”

Eric squished his face too close to his and Sunwoo wrinkled his face in disgust as Eric’s sweaty cheek pressed against his own. He swatted his face away before pointing to the two dragonflies who actually did look a bit too intimate.

Eric sighed. “Should I let them go?”

Sunwoo laughed. “Give them some privacy.”

Eric leaned forward and untangled the net and as soon as they were free, the dragonflies flew away. Separately. Eric groaned and fell back onto his ass. “They fooled me,” he said miserably.

“Can we do something else now?” Sunwoo asked. He stood up and stretched his arms above his head. His shirt clung uncomfortably to his skin and Sunwoo wished he had just gone back to sleep when Eric woke him up by calling him earlier that morning and asked him to hang out. Eric stared up at him from the ground. “The pool doesn’t open till ten. You wanna go to your place?”

Sunwoo shook his head. “My parents are home,” he mumbled. “Let’s go annoy Chanhee at his job.”

Eric snorted but got to his feet anyway. “He’s going to be mad at us for showing up,” he replied and popped open the lid of the box and turned it over. They both watched as the grasshopper jumped away.

Sometimes Sunwoo wished he were a grasshopper. Able to flee from his problems, his life. He’d entertained that thought more than once in the past years. Take a random train. Empty his bank account, start a new life.

The cicadas chirped. The mosquito was back. “At least Chanhee’s job has air con,” Sunwoo said.

*

to-do list for this summer:

1. watch the sunrise 
2. clean the entire house
3. go to a museum
4. make up with haknyeon?? apologize to haknyeon
5. kill myself?

*

The list, which he’d written on a ripped notebook paper on the train home and put in his phone case, burns at the back of his mind, every minute of every day. It’s a simple plan. And yet it makes bile rise up in Sunwoo’s throat every time he thinks of it. It’s not even the last point that scares him. It’s the talking to Haknyeon that paralyzes him. But he doesn’t want to leave without at least apologizing and making sure Eric has someone to look after him.

*

Sunwoo spends the next day playing video games in the dark living room, with the blinds drawn, only eating pizza. He spends the day after in his bed, muting his phone, and sleeping.

He doesn’t text Kevin.

It’s been two days.

He doesn’t let himself think about Kevin either. That night at the party had been a temporary relapse for him since normally he doesn’t let himself get close to other people. He knows how that ends. With one of his friends in a coffin and the other not talking to him.

And yet when he checks his phone on the third day and sees the unread messages from Eric, he thinks back to their last conversation. And then he sees the chat with Chanhee, right underneath Eric’s name, and something inside him tightens.

He can meet up with Kevin one last time. Pretend for one day he’s a normal boy who wants to hang out with his new friend. Kevin’s not Eric﹣he doesn’t look at him with pity in his eyes, hasn’t seen him go through a depressive episode, doesn’t blame him for anything.

He’s not Chanhee﹣who knows what happened from Eric, who walks on eggshells around him, who forces himself to care about him.

For one summer day, Sunwoo can pretend.

*

sunwoo: hey
sunwoo: it’s sunwoo
sunwoo: from the party

kevin: hi sunwoo from the party
kevin: :3
kevin: do u wanna get boba??

*

Kevin’s easy to talk to, Sunwoo’s already known that, but it’s even easier when there’s not terrible, loud music blasting and the whole room reeking of alcohol. The music at this café is soft, mellow, some indie track that Eric would probably love.

“You look good,” Kevin compliments him randomly and Sunwoo unconsciously tugs at his hair. He showered before he went out. More like, he dragged himself into his bathroom and then it took him another half an hour to actually get out of the shower again.

“Thanks,” Sunwoo mumbles. He glances briefly at Kevin, then looks around the shop again. He can’t sit still, fingers fidgeting, tugging at his sleeves every few minutes. He chose to wear one of his nicer-looking sweatshirts today. The scars under his sleeve seem to burn.

Out of his peripheral vision, he sees Kevin tilting his head. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

The words slip down his throat, curling around his lungs. Of course he can’t even behave properly around someone new. He’s gotten too used to being alone. He shakes his head. “No, I﹣sorry, I just﹣” He stumbles over his words, face burning. It’s getting hard to breathe.

He desperately wants to smoke. His left hand curls into a fist and his fingernails dig into his palm. He can’t get high, can’t ignore everything like this. He deserves this.

“I’m sorry,” he tries again. “I’m not good at this.”

When he forces himself to look up, Kevin’s smiling at him. Seems like he knows what this is. “You’re doing better than you think you are,” he says softly.

Sunwoo nods and slowly breathes out. His chest feels lighter. He uncurls his fingers.

*

“You lied,” Kevin comments after they’ve reached Sunwoo’s neighborhood, looking around him. Sunwoo looks at him questioningly. “You don’t live near me at all.”

Sunwoo laughs. “I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

“Mhm.” Kevin bumps their shoulders together. “Now I worry,” he grins teasingly. They’ve stopped in front of his house and Kevin musters it with wide eyes, mouth forming a small o-shape. He doesn’t say anything but it’s obvious he’s amazed by the house, and the neighborhood. Sunwoo suddenly feels embarrassed, heat crawling up his back.

The afternoon is slowly turning into evening, the sun setting on the horizon, bathing the whole street into an ethereal orange light. Sunwoo looks at Kevin looking at his house and gathers up all his courage. “Do you wanna come inside?”

Kevin looks at him. “Your parents won’t mind?”

“They’re not home.”

Kevin starts to smile. “Then, lead the way.”

*

They end up ordering take-out, settling themselves on the couch in the living room, while Sunwoo gladly lets Kevin pick a movie to watch.

Sunwoo stops paying attention to the movie twenty minutes in because every time their shoulders brush, their knees touch, he feels his skin being set on fire. He wants so badly to pretend he’s a normal boy having a movie night after a date, getting shy over smiles and compliments, head rushing and heart thumping with the desire to hold Kevin’s hand, to touch him. 

And when their eyes meet and Kevin smiles at him, Sunwoo decides for one night he can pretend.

*

kevin: i’m home !
kevin: today was fun :3
kevin: let’s do it again

*

“Chanhee invited us to a pool party tonight,” Kevin starts when they’re idly browsing through random shops at the mall. They’ve stopped in front of a sunglasses stand. It’s the third time they’ve met up this week and every time they do Sunwoo starts to feel more comfortable around him. He feels relieved, in a way﹣he hasn’t had a bad day so far and talking to Kevin is easy since he doesn’t know of his past. He hopes the rest of the summer will go by like this.

Sunwoo hums and turns around, blue heart-shaped sunglasses on his face. Kevin giggles when he sees him and Sunwoo starts to smile.

“Do you wanna go?” Kevin asks.

Sunwoo busies himself with putting the sunglasses away. “I don’t think so,” he starts slowly. “I’m not really the party type. Or pool type.”

For one fleeting second Kevin’s eyes land on Sunwoo’s grey hoodie, before he’s smiling at him again. Sunwoo thinks he might’ve imagined it. “What do you wanna do tonight, then?”

Sunwoo blinks at him. “You can go,” he says. “Just because I﹣you can go if you want to, I mean.”

Kevin shrugs. “I don’t like parties either. I love Chanhee but I think he’s only going because the guy he’s got a crush on will also be there and Changmin and his boyfriend will be there too. I don’t feel like hanging around couples all night. I wanna hang out with you.”

Sunwoo smiles. “Okay,” he says softly. He opens his mouth again﹣ I have a pool, he almost says. We can have our own private pool party. But he doesn’t. He unconsciously tugs at his sleeve. There’s a reason he always wears hoodies around Kevin. Sunwoo doesn’t know what Kevin will think of his scars when he sees them, if he will even notice them, if he will comment on them.

And there’s another reason Sunwoo stays quiet, one that makes him feel like some school boy with a silly crush, that makes his cheeks heat up. Kevin’s always wearing either T-Shirts or tank tops, shorts, or ripped jeans. He has a tattoo on his left wrist, another one behind his left ear, a belly button piercing which Sunwoo accidentally saw one day when they were shopping and Kevin had been trying on clothes. He works out and goes running every morning.

Sunwoo feels embarrassed even entertaining this thought but if he saw Kevin shirtless, in swim shorts, tanning by his poolside, or coming out of the water﹣he’s afraid he will turn into his usual awkward, stuttering mess.

He likes Kevin. As a friend, yes. Something more? He doesn’t know yet. Doesn’t know if it’s genuine romantic feelings, purely attraction or simple infatuation, but he doesn’t want to ruin what they have.

“Hey, Sun.” Sunwoo hums. “Do you think green hair would suit me?”

“Green hair?” Sunwoo chuckles and when he looks up he sees Kevin frowning at the hair salon opposite them, next to a clothing store. “Do you wanna dye your hair?”

Sunwoo likes Kevin’s hair. It’s dark, a nice shade, with the underside dyed blonde which suits him. He’s always got it in a ponytail, bangs pinned back most of the time, because Kevin says he’s too lazy to trim them. Sunwoo likes it.

Kevin shrugs and runs a hand through his bangs. They fall over his eyes and he huffs out a breath, the slight gust of wind making them flutter. 

Sunwoo likes it.

“I think green hair looks so cool but I dunno if I could pull it off.” Kevin glances at Sunwoo. “How about you?”

Sunwoo blinks at him. “I’ve never dyed it.” He hasn’t gotten a haircut in a while either and it’s definitely too long but doesn’t look as good as Kevin’s does. His hair is too messy, shabby, and he never has any motivation to style it, so it just lies flatly on his head. There’s a reason he mostly wears baseball caps or hoodies.

Kevin grins. “Do you wanna dye it sometime?”

“What color?”

“If you wanna go really crazy, you should dye it green with me.” Kevin laughs at Sunwoo’s wide eyes. “I’m kidding. Maybe blonde? I think it would suit you. But bleaching your hair’s a bitch . Believe me.”

Blonde. Eric dyed his hair blonde when they left for college and Haknyeon did it too last year. They both looked good; Sunwoo doesn’t know if it would suit him, thinks it would probably wash him out, make his dark eye bags and sunken skin look even more prominent. He doesn’t know what Kevin sees.

Kevin’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts before he can spiral further. “What do you wanna do tonight?”

“Can we﹣” Sunwoo smiles sheepishly, suddenly remembering what he saw earlier. “Do you wanna go to a museum with me, maybe? There’s a new exhibition apparently. I saw some flyers earlier.”

Kevin immediately brightens up. “Of course! I love museums.”

“I’ve never actually been to one,” Sunwoo confesses.

“Never?” Kevin looks incredulous and Sunwoo has to bite his cheek to keep himself from laughing. “Not even as a kid?”

“Maybe when I was a kid,” he concedes. “But that was a science museum. I’ve never been to an art museum.”

“Well,” Kevin links their arms together as they start walking. “Now we’re definitely going.”

*

The museum’s a nice, cool refuge from the blistering heat outside, so Sunwoo’s thankful to have a reason to keep his sweatshirt on. He tugs his sleeves over his fingers and tries to focus on the art piece in front of him. 

He’s never been one for art. He’s always heard that it doesn’t matter what you see in the art piece, what matters is the feelings it evokes in you but Sunwoo doesn’t know what to feel. All he sees are a mesh of light colors, beiges and whites and browns, and it looks hazy, almost, like an old photograph. The only splash of color is the bright red string curling around what seems to resemble a finger before continuing. 

Sunwoo doesn’t know what to feel and all he’s thinking about is that he wants to look at Kevin. So he does.

Kevin’s still holding the brochure for the exhibition which Sunwoo gave him earlier. Loose strands of hair are coming out of his ponytail. His right earring is glistening in the light.

Sunwoo swallows and knows he’s unabashedly staring, knows he should look away, feels almost…ashamed and perverse in his staring, but he wants to indulge himself, just once.

Kevin pouts his lips a little when he’s thinking. His eyebrows scrunch up. Sunwoo tugs his sleeves even more over his fingers.

It’s when Sunwoo blinks and looks away that Kevin speaks up. “Do you believe in it?”

“Huh?” Sunwoo snaps his head back up to him but Kevin’s still looking at the art piece and Sunwoo follows his gaze. He wants to see what Kevin sees. “Believe in what?”

“The red string of fate. That you’re connected across time, space﹣” Kevin shrugs. “You know.”

“I don’t know,” Sunwoo confesses. “I don’t know if I believe in soulmates or fate or any of that stuff. But if fate does exist then it sucks.” Sunwoo’s throat feels dry. He wants to leave suddenly.

Kevin’s voice is quiet. “I don’t think fate…exists. I think it just is.”

“So, everyone has their own destiny? Everyone’s life is supposed to end up this way or that way? No matter what you do?”

“What do you mean?” He can feel Kevin’s eyes on him. He swallows. “Let’s say someone works their whole life towards a goal, let’s say he got good grades so he can go to a good college so he can get a good job﹣and what if he has an accident? What if he﹣” He talks too fast and his voice breaks. Sunwoo feels stupid, stupid, stupid, but he can’t stop. He can hear his heart racing in his ears. “What if he, y’know, dies then? Was that supposed to be his fate? Destiny?”

Kevin bumps their shoulders together but Sunwoo’s staring at the floor, nails digging into his palms. “I think it’s a big word, destiny. And if people want to believe in it or not, that’s up to them. But I think it holds too much meaning nowadays. 

“Sunwoo.” Kevin’s hand finds his and Sunwoo slowly uncurls his fingers, lets Kevin intertwine their fingers together. “I think sometimes it’s good to just let yourself be and not let any of this take over. Maybe we should let words be words.”

Sunwoo nods. His palms feel less clammy and his heartbeat has slowed down. “I think it’s a stupid word,” he mumbles and only looks up when he hears Kevin laughing.

They leave that exhibition then, wandering around other parts of the museum, but Sunwoo always finds himself staring at Kevin more than at the art pieces, listening with rapt attention to Kevin’s thoughts about something.

“You know,” Kevin speaks up after Sunwoo’s given up trying to wrap his head around a sculpture and has opted to watch Kevin. He’s been frowning at the piece for the past few minutes and Sunwoo’s been waiting for him to say something. “I like art but sometimes I don’t get it either and I just frown at it because that’s what all those pretentious rich art majors at my college did.”

And it’s something so unexpected, so ridiculous that it makes Sunwoo laugh, full blown laughter bubbling out of his stomach, mouth stretched wide and open and he probably looks dumb and stupid but Kevin takes a look at him for a second and immediately loses it too and then they’re both just standing in an empty wing of the museum, laughing, the setting sun shining into the tall windows, still holding hands.

*

to-do list for this summer:

1. watch the sunrise 
2. clean the entire house
3. go to a museum
4. make up with haknyeon?? apologize to haknyeon
5. kill myself?

*

haknyeon: hey
haknyeon: how are u

*

The texts came in earlier that evening, while they were at dinner, and Sunwoo’s phone had been turned off. Now he’s staring at his screen in his dark kitchen after Kevin left, fingers turning white from hard he's gripping his phone.

He doesn’t know why Haknyeon is texting him. Yes, he wanted to talk to him, make amends, but he wanted to be prepared for it, call him when he was ready, not be blindsided like this after he’s had a really good day.

This isn’t fair. Sunwoo leans against the wall and slowly slides down to the floor, legs giving out beneath him. He had a good day. It can’t end like this. He can feel his anxiety physically manifesting itself already, can tell by the shaking of his hands and his heart racing. He had a good day. This isn’t fair. He had a good day.

He puts his head in between his knees, still holding his phone like a lifeline, and takes a deep breath. He can ignore him. He can deal with it tomorrow, properly prepare himself, rehearse what he’s going to say. But while his mind is still racing with different scenarios, his body moves on its own and before he can register what’s happening his fingers have already pulled up Eric’s contact.

The last time he saw Haknyeon was in March shortly after his birthday when his parents had picked him up. The last time he talked to him was on his birthday.

They didn’t know if they should celebrate it, but Eric had insisted, had said they should focus on their friendship. Maybe Sunwoo should’ve said something, but maybe he wanted to believe in Eric’s optimism, wanted to hold onto their friendship, so he agreed. 

The cake had been a last-minute buy at the mini market down their dorms and so they’d gone to Eric’s room and waited. Haknyeon had come in, taken one look at them, and lost it. Sunwoo still remembers the cake exploding into tiny pieces from how hard Haknyeon had thrown it against the wall.

Haknyeon didn’t say anything the entire time. Maybe it would’ve been better if he yelled, screamed at them, told them how inconsiderate they were being.

Instead, he very calmly picked up the cake and in one swift motion threw it as hard as he could against the wall. Some frosting landed on Sunwoo’s arm. He remembers being frozen, standing in his spot, as he watched Haknyeon leave and Eric run after him. He remembers the tears in Haknyeon’s eyes, the sob escaping his chest as he left.

Sunwoo still regrets not going after him. Maybe things would’ve turned out differently if he did.

Two days later, Haknyeon’s parents picked him up and Sunwoo stayed in his dorm room until they left. Shortly after, Eric came to his room and hid in his bed and Sunwoo lied next to his best friend as he cried.

“Hello?”

Sunwoo knows it’s late, should feel bad at Eric’s sleepy voice, and has half a mind to apologize and hang up, but hearing Eric’s voice slowly starts to calm him down. “Sun? You there?”

Sunwoo takes a deep breath. “Haknyeon texted me.”

A long silence follows, shuffling on Eric’s end. “Okay,” he eventually says. “Okay, and what about it?”

“Why﹣” Sunwoo’s voice breaks. “Why is he texting me?”

“Because I told him to.”

“What?”

“We were talking a few days ago and he asked me about you and I said if he wants to talk to you he should. So.”

“But﹣” Sunwoo stares at the dark wall opposite him. It’s not visible now but an art piece is hanging there, some Van Gogh picture that his father purchased years ago. “But he hates me.”

“Sunwoo.” Eric sounds stern now, a frown evident in his voice. “He doesn’t hate you.”

“He told us. On his birthday﹣”

“He was grieving, Sun. He was angry. He apologized for that.”

“Not to me.”

“Sunwoo, I’m telling you﹣”

“I know he hates me.” Sunwoo’s voice is quiet. “It’s okay, Eric. You don’t have to protect him, I know how he feels about me﹣”

“Sunwoo, for fuck’s sake, listen to me!”

Eric rarely raises his voice in an angry manner, let alone against Sunwoo. He doesn’t even remember if they ever fought before. Eric’s breathing heavily and when he speaks again his voice is quiet, but serious. “Why? Why do you think that?”

Sunwoo slowly rolls up his sleeve, fingers tracing over his scars. His skin feels itchy but he resists the urge to scratch. “He blames me,” he says softly. “For what happened.”

It’s something he’s been thinking this whole time, but never said out loud. 

A sniffle can be heard on the other line. Sunwoo’s heart almost breaks. “Sunwoo, no one is blaming you. God, especially not Haknyeon. He’s your friend. He wants to talk to you and apologize because he is your friend.”

Sunwoo stares at his scars. He was fourteen when he did that. “Okay,” he whispers. “Okay. Thanks, Eric. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Sun﹣” Eric sounds alarmed. “Sun, don’t hang up. Talk to me. Facetime me. I’m not letting you hang up. Sunwoo, talk to me.”

Talk to me. The last time Eric said those words to him, Sunwoo had been in and out of consciousness after Eric made him throw up the pills he’d taken. His throat feels tight all of a sudden. 

“Ric,” Sunwoo interrupts. “I’m not gonna do anything. I’m just tired. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.”

Eric’s next words are quiet, a soft plea. “Sunwoo, please.”

“Eric.” Sunwoo’s eyes are burning. He feels too hot. He doesn’t know why his voice sounds so choked up. “I just wanna go to sleep. I promise I’ll call you in the morning.”

Eric is quiet for a long time before he sighs. “Okay,” he says. “Okay. Call me by ten.”

Sunwoo’s hands are shaking as he hangs up his phone and lets it drop to his side. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried. Maybe when he was a kid. Was it when he was eleven and fell out of that tree after swearing to Eric he could climb it? He presses his fists against his eyes, hating the way his chest tightens, the way his breaths come out in short gasps.

He didn’t cry at the funeral. He couldn’t cry, he remembers. He wanted to so badly because he was grieving and angry and yet the tears wouldn’t come. Sunwoo thought there might have been something broken inside him.

But right now on his kitchen floor, in the dark, Sunwoo lets himself cry for the first time in years.

*

He calls Eric the next day, as promised, shortly after waking up. It’s only eight in the morning but he wasn’t able to sleep anyway﹣tossed and turned for a few hours until he watched random videos to pass the time. The sun shining into his room is what reminded him of Eric.

“Morning, sunshine,” Eric grins into the camera. Eric’s in full view sitting at a table, phone propped up against something, various breakfast dishes in front of him. “You’re up early.”

“And you’re way too cheerful,” Sunwoo grumbles, rubbing his eyes. They’re red-rimmed and puffy, still hurting from crying last night.

Eric laughs. Growing up together, Eric had picked up on Sunwoo’s moods, knew when to push him into talking, knew when to leave him alone, to ignore the problem because it’s what Sunwoo wanted. But right now, Sunwoo doesn’t know if he should feel grateful about it. It’d be so easy to open up to Eric. It’s what Eric wants Sunwoo to do﹣it’d be so easy to open his mouth right now, say can you come home, say I’m not doing well, say I need you.

Eric’s not his parents. Eric would listen and Eric would fly home to him if Sunwoo asked him to, but Sunwoo can’t bring himself to talk. He doesn’t want to ruin Eric’s summer, doesn’t want him to be stuck in their town because of him, knows how much Eric’s been looking forward to spending time with his family.

Instead, he listens to Eric talk about his plans for the day, tells him a little what he’s been up to, pretends to ignore Eric’s concerned gaze on him before he snaps himself out of it.

*

There’s a liquor cabinet in their living room, locked with a combination, but Sunwoo memorized those numbers years ago when he watched his father unlock it. He’s never used it though, has never been a fan of drinking. A few beers at random parties, vodka mixed with whatever Eric wanted to try out﹣that was the extent of his drinking habits.

But he liked the thrill of it, liked opening the cabinet when he was home alone and taking one of those expensive bottles out, liked the knowledge that he could drink until he blacked out if he wanted to. Liked having that option.

He stopped drinking completely after that night in college, when Eric had found him in their bathroom, popped up on pills and an empty bottle of tequila next to him.

Up until this day, he doesn’t remember why he did that, what drove him to lose it and snap like that. He doesn’t even know if he was trying to die that night; only remembers that he felt too high-strung, too energetic, not like himself.

The next thing he remembers is all a blur﹣Eric’s fingers down his throat, throwing up, Eric cradling his head in his lap and begging him to talk to him, to stay awake.

They hadn’t gone to the ER on Sunwoo’s insistence and Eric hadn’t called his parents like he originally wanted to. Maybe both of them had been at fault﹣Sunwoo begging Eric not to say anything, promising him it was an one time thing, he was fine, and Eric believing him.

Sunwoo’s seen Eric cry numerous times in their years of friendship, but that night was the first time Eric was crying because of him. Sunwoo promised himself that it would be the last time.

*

Sunwoo was fourteen and doing homework at their kitchen table when his father came home from work and sat down at the head of the table, ice cubes swirling around in his scotch glass.

“It’s your birthday,” he said and downed his glass in one go. It sounded too loud in their home when he put the glass down.

His birthday party ended hours ago. His mom had been out, jogging. Eric had quickly run home to grab his school bag.

Sunwoo had stopped in his writing, his pencil digging into his paper.

“I never wanted a child,” his father continued, fingers tapping against the side of his glass. He had started drinking earlier that day, Sunwoo immediately knew. His father never yelled at him, never hit him, wasn’t cruel﹣but he also never told Sunwoo he was proud of him, never took him to a baseball game, didn’t teach him how to ride a bike. His mother did all that.

They were father and son on paper, but in this house they were simply two strangers living together until one of them left.

“It’d be easier for you if you had never been born.”

The tip of his pencil broke. Sunwoo stared at it, afraid to look up, afraid to see the look of contempt on his father’s face. Or worse﹣look up and see nothing, face devoid of emotion.

“The world’s not going to be kind to you, Sunwoo.” The scraping of a chair, footsteps passing by him to go into the living room. “It’s better you learn it from me than from anyone else.”

This ugly thing growing inside of him, this unhappiness that sat deep in his bones, something Sunwoo thought he had been born with﹣it had been inherent, Sunwoo knew that after that night. His father passed it onto him and despised him for it.

Later that night, Sunwoo snuck downstairs and stole a lighter from their kitchen drawer, locking himself in his bathroom. He stared down at his arm, fingers trembling around the lighter, and that had been the first time he let his thoughts win over him.

*

When Sunwoo sleeps, he dreams of Haknyeon. 

They’re back in college, in their dormitory, and Sunwoo’s just stepped outside of his room to see Haknyeon walking down the hall. He wants to follow him. He wants to scream out for him, wants him to come back, to talk to him, to listen to him.

Sunwoo blinks and Haknyeon is standing in front of him, tilting his head. You called? he says.

I miss you, Sunwoo wants to say but when he opens his mouth no words come out. Haknyeon’s face darkens and Sunwoo feels like crying.

I’m sorry, he wants to say, screams the words in his head. I’m sorry Hyunjun died. I’m sorry I didn’t save him. 

Haknyeon turns around and walks down the hall and Sunwoo is stuck rooted to his spot, can’t move his feet, can’t speak, can’t do anything. When he blinks, Haknyeon’s there again.

And it’s an endless loop of Haknyeon waiting for Sunwoo to speak, leaving him standing there, coming back again. Giving him endless chances to talk but Sunwoo’s never able to say anything out loud.

An endless loop of disappointing the boy he loved over and over again.

Sunwoo wasn’t inexperienced when it came to having feelings for other boys but he was inexperienced with experience itself. It was a given, when he met Haknyeon, that he’d fall for him. Haknyeon was everything Sunwoo wasn’t﹣bright, happy, energetic, so bright, so fucking bright.

Haknyeon was Sunwoo’s first everything﹣first love, first kiss, first boy who touched him. It never lead to a relationship, though. Sunwoo doesn’t know when they stopped fooling around, only remembers that it happened from one day to the next. They both valued their friendship above everything else, but Sunwoo still wasn’t sure if he was completely over him. Maybe a small part of him would always belong to Haknyeon.

When Sunwoo wakes, it’s with wet cheeks and memories of the boy who outshone the sun still burned into his mind.

*

Sunwoo sleeps and he dreams of Hyunjun.

Hyunjun and Haknyeon were inseparable﹣twin flames, as Eric liked to call them, born on the same day, the same year, only meeting for the first time when they got to college but becoming best friends instantly.

Their little friend group only solidified itself once Sunwoo and Hyunjun became roommates. It was nice, easy, for the first half of the year.

Until Hyunjun started skipping his classes with Sunwoo. Until he started to smoke more. Until he stayed the whole weekend in bed. Until Sunwoo saw Hyunjun and Haknyeon fighting more often.

Sunwoo recognized this behavior instantly because that’s how he was behaving﹣apathetic, missing assignments, sudden bursts of anger. He just didn’t want to accept it, refused to believe his friend was feeling as badly as he did.

Then, Hyunjun started to feel better. It was like a switch had been turned on again and Hyunjun was back to his old self﹣he still smoked, with Sunwoo, sometimes skipped classes, but they all did that so Sunwoo just chalked it up to a phase.

It had been his fault, in the end.

*

haknyeon: i dreamed about u last night
haknyeon: thought i’d check in
haknyeon: idk

*

Sunwoo slips further down the couch, stretching his legs out, and his phone falls off his knees, landing somewhere between their mountains of pillows. “Hey,” comes Eric’s muffled voice and Sunwoo has to grin. “Save me!”

Sunwoo laughs and fishes for his phone, pausing his game meanwhile and setting his controller down. He brings his phone back up to his face and grins when he sees Eric pouting. “Dramatic baby,” he says and Eric huffs.

“What did you do to your hair, by the way?” Eric asks and Sunwoo frowns, tugging his hood down to show Eric his hair.

“Nothing, why?”

Eric rolls his eyes. “Why are you wearing your hood up inside your house? I thought you dyed your hair or something.”

“Nah, I just haven’t washed it in a few days.” 

Eric hums. The view on his phone screen switches from Eric’s face to a tiled ceiling and Sunwoo scrunches up his nose. “Are you facetiming me while you’re on the fucking toilet?”

Eric’s cackle booms over the speaker and Sunwoo pulls a face when he hears the toilet flush. “Wash your hands,” he says and Eric laughs again but Sunwoo hears the sink turning on. A few seconds later and Eric’s face pops up again and he’s settling on his bed, leaning against the headboard. “You’d look good with blonde hair, I think,” Eric continues their conversation. He grins. “Bleach blonde Barbie Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo rolls his eyes. “Kevin said the same thing actually.” He leans over to the side to grab his energy drink off the table, so he doesn’t see Eric’s confused expression. 

“How’s it going with Kevin?” Eric asks and Sunwoo shrugs, lowering his phone so only his chin is visible. He scratches his cheek, staring absently at his paused video game screen on the TV. “Fine. We’re just hanging out.”

“Hanging out every day and ditching Chanhee?” Eric’s voice is teasing and Sunwoo frowns, holding his phone back up to see Eric grinning.

“If you knew, why did you ask?” he grumbles and Eric laughs. “You and Chanhee are terrible, you’re always gossiping.”

Eric makes kissing sounds, pressing his lips too close to the camera. “I’m just glad you’re leaving your house. I think if you stayed inside all summer your parents would have called me.”

“They’re not here,” Sunwoo says absently.

Eric’s grin drops. “Wait, what?”

Sunwoo blinks at his screen. “Did I not tell you? They’re in Europe for the summer.”

“You’re home…alone? The entire summer? Did they at least leave after you came home?”

Sunwoo shakes his head. “They were already gone.”

Eric goes silent at that and Sunwoo lowers his phone again. He can’t bear to look at Eric now, knows he’s angry at his parents, but he doesn’t want to talk about his parents, wants to see Eric smile again, so he says the second stupidest thing today. “I texted Haknyeon.”

He winces. That’s a lie. Haknyeon’s new messages still sit unread in his inbox.

But he gets the desired effect, which is taking Eric’s mind off of his parents and seeing him smile. “That’s great! What did he say?”

“He hasn’t replied yet,” Sunwoo says slowly. “I texted him earlier this morning.”

Sunwoo swallows. Now he has to text Haknyeon.

*

sunwoo: hi

haknyeon: hi
haknyeon: didn’t think you’d actually reply lol

sunwoo: sorry
sunwoo: i was busy
sunwoo: idk sorry

haknyeon: how have you been?

sunwoo: fine
sunwoo: i’m okay
sunwoo: you?

haknyeon: me too

*

Sunwoo wants to throw up. He’s never been able to properly read Haknyeon, has never quite figured out how he felt, and it’s even worse over text messages. He wants to talk to Haknyeon in person, preferably, and apologize but they won’t see each other this summer and no one knows yet that Sunwoo won’t be going back to school.

The next best thing would be talking on the phone but something is still stopping Sunwoo from calling him. The last time he heard Haknyeon’s voice was almost three months ago. He doesn’t know how he will react when he finally hears his voice and doesn’t know which would be worse﹣hearing Haknyeon laugh, hear the smile in his voice, or Haknyeon being angry, bitter, towards him. He thinks he prefers Haknyeon being angry﹣he deserves it, after all.

Sunwoo doesn’t call him.

June bleeds into July and Sunwoo hides in his house.

*

ii. dear forgiveness

kevin: hey :3
kevin: wanna hang out later??

chanhee: we’re all meeting at the pool tonight
chanhee: there’s a movie showing
chanhee: you coming?

chanhee: kevin’s been asking about you

kevin: sunwoo?

eric: pick up your phone.

*

It’s the second week of July when Sunwoo breaks his promise to himself. Lighting the joint he found in a bag stashed at the back of his sock drawer, he slowly brings it to his lips, relaxing in the hot bath he’d run. He trails his fingers down the edge of his bathtub and takes another drag, before grabbing his phone.

It ran out of battery a few days ago and only this morning he charged it again, watching as missed calls and messages came rolling in. Eric is the first contact he pulls up.

“Look who’s alive.” Eric picks up after the second ring. “Were you ignoring me?”

He sounds annoyed, his voice echoing through the bathroom. Sunwoo starts to feel bad and sinks down into the water until it’s up to his chin. “Sorry,” he says slowly. “My phone died.”

Eric hums like he knows he’s lying. “At least let me know before it happens again.” He’s not talking about the phone. Sunwoo wants to cry. “Kevin was asking about you.”

At the mention of Kevin’s name Sunwoo feels his chest tighten. He needs to text him too. “So you guys are talking behind my back now?”

Eric huffs. Sunwoo knows he’s rolling his eyes. “Chanhee called me and said that Kevin asked him about you. Apparently he came by your house too.”

Now Sunwoo really wants to cry. He did hear the doorbell ring but couldn’t even get up to check the security cameras and when nothing else happened he went back to sleep. If he had known it was Kevin, then maybe he﹣

“I think I like him,” Sunwoo says stupidly, out of nowhere. The bathroom is getting fogged up with all the steam and smoke. Eric is silent on the other end of the line. 

“Kevin?” he eventually asks. 

Sunwoo stares at the joint in his hand, then slowly puts it out on the ashtray on the floor. He nods even though Eric can’t see him. “Yeah.”

“That’s great. I don’t think you’ve liked someone since Hak﹣”

Eric abruptly falls silent and Sunwoo smiles wryly. Even though he and Eric never talked about it, he still knew something was going on. “It’s okay,” he says. “Me and Haknyeon were never together, by the way.”

“But you liked him.”

“A lot.” Sunwoo sits up in the water and draws his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them. “But what I feel for Kevin is different, I think.”

The water’s lukewarm now. Sunwoo inspects his fingernails. They’re torn and he needs to cut them. Kevin paints his fingernails, he faintly remembers. He wonders if he would paint Sunwoo’s if he asked.

“I looked up to Haknyeon,” Sunwoo continues slowly. “And I wanted him to like me. I think I put him on a pedestal. With Kevin, it’s﹣I just feel normal around him, y’know? Happy.”

“That’s good,” Eric says quietly. “I’m happy for you, Sun. Are you gonna tell him?”

“I don’t know.” His chest feels lighter. “Not yet.”

“The summer’s not over yet.” There’s a smile in Eric’s voice and Sunwoo also starts to smile. “There’s still time.”

“Yeah,” he whispers. “I have time.”

I have time, he repeats in his head, staring at this reflection in the water. I have time. And hope’s a fickle thing but for the first time this summer Sunwoo feels hope swelling up in his chest.

The moment is ruined when his phone starts to vibrate and he looks at the screen, smile falling off his face. “My mom’s calling me,” he says dumbly. He hasn’t talked to her in weeks.

Eric laughs hollowly. “Let me talk to her. I got some stuff to say.”

Sunwoo shakes his head. “I’ll text you later.” He quickly hangs up and stares at the missed call from his mother in his notification bar. He picks up his lighter again.

*

“Hey,” Sunwoo says when his call gets picked up. “I was in the shower and saw you called.”

His mother’s voice fills his ear and he slowly sits down at the edge of his bed. “How are you, sweetheart? Are things alright?”

“Yeah. Things are fine.”

“What about your homework? Did you finish it?”

Sunwoo stares at his desk, his laptop, his old college textbooks. He still needs to sell them. “Almost finished,” he lies. “How’s your trip?”

He listens quietly as his mother talks about everything they’ve done so far and bites his tongue so hard he tastes blood. They’re in some hotel in Spain right now. His hand is shaking. Sunwoo balls his fingers into a fist. 

“We’ll be back at the beginning of September, I think. When does school start again?”

You should know, Sunwoo wants to yell. He wants to throw his phone against the wall. “Second week of September,” he says. “But I don’t think I’ll be here when you get home. Eric and I might’ve found an apartment.”

It’s a lie but a sick part of him wants to hurt her, wants her to ask him to stay home a little longer and he wants to be childish and spiteful and leave before they get back. And another part of him wants her last memory of him to be a happy one, to hear her son is doing well.

Above everything else, he doesn’t want to hurt her.

“That’s great news, Sunwoo,” she says warmly. His eyes start to burn. “I was wondering when you two would move in together. But I still want to see you before you leave for school.”

Sunwoo sniffles. “Okay,” he says quietly. “Okay, I’ll come home then.”

“Sunwoo, is everything okay?”

“Why did you leave?” he asks. Why did you leave me here, why didn’t you come pick me up from school, why didn’t you wait until I came home﹣ “I wanted to see you before you left for your trip.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” She sounds upset and it makes Sunwoo cry even more. His nails dig into his thigh. “I’m so sorry, but your father﹣we had to leave that day, I’m sorry, honey.”

“He didn’t want to see me,” Sunwoo replies. His voice sounds hollow. “Right? Is he with you right now? You don’t have to lie for him.”

“Sunwoo. Your father cares about you very much. Please don’t think that way.”

They both know it’s a lie. But for her sake, Sunwoo tries to pretend. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t sleep well, I’m a little out of it. I have to go now, I got plans with someone﹣Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

“Dear, are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes.” He wipes his tears with the back of his hand and tries to smile. “Mom? I love you.”

Above everything else, he wants this to be the last memory his mother has of him.

*

Sunwoo was the one who found Hyunjun. 

The entire day has been burned into his mind and he remembers every little detail. What he had to eat (a granola bar), what he’d been drinking (two energy drinks and counting), what Haknyeon had been wearing because Sunwoo was a fool who was maybe in love with his friend. 

They’d been hanging out in Eric’s room after classes. Sunwoo hadn’t seen Hyunjun since that morning and he wanted to quickly go over and pick something up and see if Hyunjun wanted to join them.

Haknyeon wanted to tag along because Hyunjun hadn’t been replying to his messages, but then Eric said something funny or stupid but it made Haknyeon annoyed and he stayed behind to argue with Eric. Sunwoo, amused by them, went on ahead. 

Be it because of Eric, be it by a random stroke of luck, or the universe looking out in any way, whatever it was, Sunwoo is glad he found Hyunjun alone, without Haknyeon.

Surprisingly enough, that’s where his memory fails him. He doesn’t remember anything past seeing Hyunjun’s body﹣doesn’t remember if he screamed or not, if he ran to get his friends, anyone, if he called 911.

The following weeks passed by in a blur, like a black and white movie put on loop, one monotonous day after the other. The memorial for Hyunjun, an assembly on mental health and how to seek help, Sunwoo, Eric, and Haknyeon being brought in to talk to a psychologist, endless brochures on Feeling Depressed? Here’s 10 Tips On How To Handle College Better! 

Sunwoo threw them all out.

They all dealt with Hyunjun’s death differently. 

Sunwoo stopped talking, not completely, but he talked less. Didn’t say a word in his mandatory therapy sessions, didn’t talk to his classmates, didn’t call his parents.

Eric tried to be strong, hide his grief, and so he was the one who made sure Sunwoo ate enough, who dragged him out of his room, who called Haknyeon’s parents in the end to pick him up. Thinking back, Sunwoo feels bad about it now because he knows Eric was also in pain over losing his friend, but he hid it to take care of them.

And Haknyeon﹣

Haknyeon was angry.

And Sunwoo couldn’t blame him.

Weeks turned into months and they all accepted what happened. Things didn’t get better, but they all dealt with it in their own way. Winter turned into spring and Sunwoo tried to hold on.

*

Sunwoo drops his hand and hides it in his pocket, anxiety rooting him to his spot. His knocking seems to echo in the hallway.

He showered this morning. He tried to style his hair. He put on some of his nicer looking clothes; a white tank top underneath a ripped black sweater, and baggy pants. He even ate a full breakfast, even if it took him more than an hour, but he finished it.

All in all, it was a good day. Sunwoo could leave and go home, get back into bed, because he already did more this morning than the past weeks combined.

But he’s here now and doesn’t want to leave﹣knows this is something he has to do in person.

Kevin’s face forms in a surprised o-shape when he opens the door. He looks like he wants to smile at first but then he’s reeling himself in, lips set in a thin line. Sunwoo already wants to cry at that. He feels terrible.

They both speak at the same time.

“Hi﹣”

“I’m sorry﹣”

They fall silent and Kevin lets out a little laugh at that before gesturing at Sunwoo, telling him to go first. Sunwoo takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry that I’ve been avoiding you lately. You didn’t do anything wrong, please don’t think that, I was just﹣I’m not doing too well right now and sometimes I have these phases where I just﹣” Sunwoo rushes all out in the same breath but then his voice fails him. He feels stupid, suddenly, spilling his guts to Kevin on his doorstep. His face feels burning hot.

Sunwoo swallows. “Sometimes I just disappear. I don’t wanna talk to anyone, I don’t wanna leave my house﹣ but please don’t think I don’t like you anymore. I like hanging out with you. I wanted to explain myself in person.”

An unspoken question lies in his words, a confession, a plea. And when Kevin opens his door wider and asks, “Do you wanna come inside?”, Sunwoo has his answer.

*

Sunwoo’s actually never been inside Kevin’s apartment but it looks about what he imagined it to look like. While Kevin is in the kitchen, Sunwoo sinks down on the couch and looks around.

There’s a bookshelf in one corner, Kevin’s Beyoncé collection on display and Sunwoo has to smile at that. A record player stands next to the shelf, a potted plant in the other corner. Other plants line the window shelf. The coffee table’s pushed to the wall, making room for an easel, various art supplies strewn on the floor. It’s turned away from him and Sunwoo resists the urge to peek even though curiosity’s burning in him.

“Sorry for the mess,” Kevin says when he returns to the living room, kicking some stray newspapers out of the way. He sets a tray with water and lemonade down on the coffee table but sets Sunwoo’s glasses down on the small table next to the couch. “Thanks,” Sunwoo says softly.

Kevin seems to debate with himself for a moment, hovering awkwardly in front of him, before sitting down on the other side of the couch. “So,” he starts, crossing his legs and then uncrossing them again. Sunwoo smiles slightly. It’s good to know he’s not the only one feeling nervous.

“So,” Sunwoo starts and clears his throat. “I wanted to apologize. Properly. You didn’t deserve me ghosting you out of nowhere.”

“Thanks,” Kevin says softly. “You were ignoring Chanhee too.”

Sunwoo winces. “I have no excuse for any of that. I was going through something and I guess I’m just used to closing myself off when that happens.”

“Did it pass now?”

Sunwoo’s nails dig into his palms. He shakes his head. 

“You said that you go through these phases…” Kevin starts. Sunwoo nods. “You mean like depressive episodes?”

Sunwoo stills, but then nods again. “Yeah,” he whispers. “I don’t know when I started feeling this way. Maybe when I was teenager. Sometimes…sometimes I think I was born with it. I don’t think I want to﹣” He swallows. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to keep living either.” He rubs his eyes, hates the way his voice wobbles. “Or I just don’t want to keep living this way, feeling like this.”

He takes a breath. “I didn’t have any plans for this summer. I didn’t have any hopes for this summer because my parents are on vacation and Eric’s not here either and I don’t﹣if I hadn’t met you, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

“I don’t want to keep feeling this way,” he whispers. “But I don’t know what to do about it. I thought college would just pass by but after last winter, I don’t﹣”

Sunwoo tries to control his breathing. He can feel Kevin’s eyes on him. “Something happened, right?”

Sunwoo wants to ask what he means but it’s obvious. He just wants to buy himself some time because he doesn’t know if he’s quite ready yet to talk about it even though that’s what he came here for.

Kevin continues. “After we met at that party, I asked Chanhee about you.” He winces slightly. “Sorry. I just liked you and Chanhee’s known you longer, so.” He shrugs his shoulders and plays with the hem of his shorts. “Chanhee said he was worried about you. Before, you used to constantly hang out with them but this time Chanhee had to hear from Eric that you were home ‘cause you didn’t text him at all.”

Sunwoo forces himself to relax his fingers, to calm his breathing. “Did Chanhee tell you what happened?” he asks quietly.

“No. I didn’t want him to tell me. He only said something happened while you were at college.” Kevin is silent for a few seconds. “It’s your decision to tell me on your own if you’re ever ready for it.”

Sunwoo stares at him. He wants to tell Kevin. He wants to tell him everything because Kevin is the only person who doesn’t pity him, he makes him feel safe and cared for, makes him feel less alone﹣his summer is going by differently than he how imagined it and he wouldn’t trade it.

“My friend died,” Sunwoo says. And there it is, out in the open. He doesn’t wait for Kevin’s reaction. “He took his own life. It used to be just the four of us﹣me, Eric, Haknyeon…Hyunjun.

“Hyunjun was my roommate. I was the one who found him.” He stares at the wall where various picture frames are hanging. Shots of different landscapes, sunsets, Kevin’s friends, stare back at him. “I haven’t talked to Haknyeon in months and I refuse to talk about it with Eric. 

“Eric doesn’t blame me, but I know Haknyeon does.”

His voice comes out scratchy, his eyes are already burning. He quickly wipes the tears away.

“I should’ve saved him. I could’ve prevented it. He was my roommate﹣if I had seen the signs sooner, if I had talked to him then maybe he﹣he would still be here, I don’t fucking know, but I should’ve done something﹣”

He breaks off when a sob escapes his chest and he feels Kevin moving closer to him, his hands hovering over his shoulder blades.

“Sunwoo, God, Sunwoo﹣” Kevin’s voice is quiet. “Can I touch you?”

Sunwoo nods.

Kevin’s hands cup his cheeks and Sunwoo finds himself staring into Kevin’s eyes. “Sunwoo, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You can’t. It wasn’t your fault.”

Sunwoo’s already shaking his head before Kevin is finished. “It was, it was my fault, he was going through something and I noticed that but then he got better and I thought it was over but it wasn’t and I still﹣I still see his body﹣ I should’ve fucking talked to him, Haknyeon wouldn’t hate me now﹣”

“Sunwoo.” Kevin’s thumbs trace softly over his cheekbones. “It’s not your job to pay attention to every little sign. You can’t predict these things, you never know what’s going to happen. I’m so sorry for your loss but you can’t blame yourself.”

Kevin wipes his remaining tears away. “Thank you for trusting me,” he whispers.

Sunwoo swallows. He doesn’t quite believe Kevin’s words but it helps hearing it from someone else. His chest feels lighter. He wonders if he’ll ever get to a point where he can accept what happened, but for now he’s glad he told Kevin. For now, it’s enough.

“Can I stay?” he asks and Kevin smiles softly. 

“Of course.”

*

Kevin’s bed is not uncomfortable, a little smaller than his own, but that’s not the reason Sunwoo can’t sleep. He tosses and turns, careful not to wake Kevin, but he’s restless, wants to get up and move.

He’s tired, but not in the sleepy sense. He’s exhausted, mentally. The day is slowly catching up to him even though they didn’t go out; stayed in and watched movies, ordered take-out. Sunwoo talked more about college and Haknyeon and Hyunjun and cried an embarrassing amount. Apparently, after his breakdown that one night, a dam has been broken and now every small mention of his friends makes him tear up. It’s something he despises because as a kid, whenever he couldn’t keep his emotions in check and got too angry, too upset, he’d always start crying. He feels embarrassed over it.

The mattress shifts beside him and Sunwoo turns, finding Kevin sleepily blinking at him. “What’s wrong?” His voice sounds rough and Sunwoo winces.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?”

Kevin shakes his head even though he’s rubbing his eyes and yawning. “It’s okay. What’s keeping you awake?”

Sunwoo’s hand lies in between their bodies and his fingers itch, he wants to touch Kevin and pull him close, wants to ground himself. He doesn’t know if Kevin notices his inner turmoil, but he hooks his leg over Sunwoo’s and pulls himself closer, his hands finding their way under Sunwoo’s shirt where they start to draw slow circles on his skin. Sunwoo sighs, contendly, and shyly curls his hand around Kevin’s waist.

“Haknyeon texted me,” he whispers. “A few weeks ago. I still don’t know how to talk to him. I don’t want to apologize over text, but I don’t know how he’ll react if I call him.”

Kevin hums. “Haknyeon reached out to you first?”

Sunwoo nods.

“Seems to me like he wants to talk to you. Maybe he misses you too.”

Sunwoo is silent. Maybe he misses you too. In college, he never doubted his importance to Haknyeon because even after they’ve stopped fooling around, they weren’t awkward with each other. It was easy, the switch from friends to maybe-something-more back to friends again. Haknyeon may not have loved him the way Sunwoo did but he still cared about him. He thought that after Hyunjun’s death Haknyeon wrote them off completely, but he’s been talking to Eric and he reached out to Sunwoo first﹣

Sunwoo’s heart almost breaks when he realizes that while Sunwoo and Eric still had each other, Haknyeon went back home and had no one. He wants to cry. How could he have been so oblivious?

Kevin sits up suddenly, checking his phone and tugs on Sunwoo’s arm. “Come on,” he says, already getting out of bed. “Grab your pillow and blanket. I wanna show you something.”

Sunwoo does as he’s told and follows him silently as they put their shoes on and leave his apartment. It’s still dark out but it hasn’t cooled down that much. It’s still the middle of July. Sunwoo wonders how much hotter the summer will get.

They end up on the rooftop and Sunwoo looks around, at the old lawn chairs and tables, while Kevin already went on ahead, spreading down his own blanket.

“Why are we on the roof?” Sunwoo asks, sitting down next to Kevin. “Your bedding’s gonna get dirty.”

Kevin snorts, waving his hand. He seems wide awake. “Tomorrow’s laundry day. I always come up here to paint when I can’t sleep. And this is the best view of a sunrise you’ll ever see.”

Sunwoo has to grin. “Best view?”

“Best in the city.” Kevin nods resolutely, smiling up at the sky. The moonlight reflects in his eyes. If Sunwoo were a poet, he’d write about how Kevin seems like he came down from the stars. If Sunwoo could write, he’d write paragraphs and paragraphs about Kevin’s otherworldly beauty, his laugh, his eyes.

Something sappy that Sunwoo would never dare to show anyone.

If Sunwoo could talk, he’d open his mouth right now and tell Kevin that he’s the best thing that happened to him, that he seeks out Kevin on his own, that he wants to make him laugh forever, always give him a reason to smile. He wants to tell him that he saved Sunwoo from himself.

But Sunwoo’s no poet, no writer, no lyricist. He’s just a boy in love.

So, he sits a little closer to Kevin and grins teasingly. “Really? Best view in the city? Sounds a little biased.”

Kevin throws him a playful glare and Sunwoo has to laugh. “Don’t bash it unless you’ve seen it for yourself, Kim Sunwoo. Up here I made the decision to drop out of college. Up here I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Which is really not that important but my point is I always come up here to watch the sunrise when I’m struggling with something. Maybe it’ll help you too.”

Sunwoo hugs his knees to his chest and looks at the city spread out in front of them. A few lights are still on in some buildings and every once in a while the sound of a car engine floats up to them, but most of all it’s quiet. Peaceful. He looks up at the stars and breathes out. “I like this.”

He can feel Kevin’s gaze on him and continues. “I never knew if I liked summer or not. When I was a kid, I spent almost every day with Eric, so I had fun. We went swimming or played sports or went skating. But I remember how much I disliked sweating all the time and getting sunburned, so I could never decide if I liked the season.

“I always thought summer felt a little lonely, too.” Sunwoo laughs quietly. “Maybe it sounds silly. School was out, I had no obligations, I spent every day with my best friend﹣but every night when I went home I felt incredible lonely, even though I knew I would see Eric again the next day.

“But I think I like summer now. I don’t know what changed my mind﹣” I met you. “But I don’t dislike it anymore.” He rests his chin on his knees. “I was afraid of being alone this summer, without Eric here, but I’m not alone. I don’t feel lonely either.” It’s because of you, you, you.

“Kevin,” he breathes out and finally looks at him. Kevin’s already looking at him, smiling softly, like he knows exactly what Sunwoo’s thinking and is just waiting for him to say it. “Can I kiss you?”

“Thought you’d never ask.” Kevin grins, already moving closer, hand coming up to cup his cheek. Sunwoo closes his eyes.

Kevin tastes of the lemonade he had before bed, his mint toothpaste, and something else Sunwoo can’t put his finger on. His lips are a little chapped and he holds Sunwoo close and kisses him confidently, like he knows that this is something they both want. Sunwoo smiles into the kiss. He tastes of summer.

They fall asleep, predictably, because they both were more exhausted than they let on. But something wakes Sunwoo up a few hours later and he stares up at the sky, still in a daze, and watches as the orange light of the sun climbs higher up the horizon. He looks at Kevin, who’s snoring softly on his shoulder, and when the light hits one side of Kevin’s face, Sunwoo has to agree.

Best view in the city.

*

sunwoo: hey
sunwoo: can i call you?

*

Sunwoo’s exhausted, this time physically, because he spent the entire day cleaning their house. He started with his bedroom, his bathroom, the hallways, moved downstairs then. Mopped the floors and scrubbed bathroom walls, dusted shelves and cleaned cabinets, tended to his mom’s garden.

The smell of all the cleaning supplies he’s used is stuck in his nose and he feels sweaty, muscles heavy, but he stays sitting on his bed, staring at the chat on his phone where Haknyeon is currently typing.

This is something he can’t push off anymore.

The dots disappear. Haknyeon stops typing. An incoming call fills his screen. Sunwoo swallows and accepts after the third ring, putting his phone on speaker and hugging his knees to his chest. His nails dig into his thighs.

Haknyeon’s voice fills his bedroom and Sunwoo has to close his eyes, imagining Haknyeon right next to him. This is something they talked about, before the winter. Haknyeon and Hyunjun visiting them and they all would sleep over at Eric’s house but spend every day at Sunwoo’s because he had a pool.

“Sunwoo?”

Sunwoo opens his eyes. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

He can’t figure out what Haknyeon sounds like. His voice is a little monotone, a little rough. They haven’t spoken in over three months and Sunwoo spent countless nights awake, imagining what Haknyeon would sound like when they finally talked again. He never expected him to sound so… normal.

A wry laugh comes through the speaker. “Sunwoo, you there?”

He’s heard Haknyeon laugh like that so many times. When Eric told a stupid joke, when Hyunjun and Sunwoo got together to beat Haknyeon at a random video game but they lost to him instead, when they were maybe a little high one night and Haknyeon kissed him impulsively and Sunwoo was frozen for a few seconds but then pulled him back in and Haknyeon laughed and said so we’re doing this Kim Sunwoo﹣

“Hi,” Sunwoo says again, lamely. “It’s good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too.”

Haknyeon dislikes silence, Sunwoo knows, but right now he isn’t saying anything, waiting for Sunwoo to start. He’s weirdly grateful for that.

He takes a deep breath, relaxes his fingers. “I’m sorry,” he says. He wants to say so much more but lets the words hang in the air.

Haknyeon sighs. “Me too.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“What are you sorry for?”

Sunwoo has to smile at that. “Should I start?” At Haknyeon’s hum, he continues. “I’m sorry for what happened to Hyunjun. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I don’t know if you blame me﹣I thought you did, but Eric says you don’t and﹣I don’t know what to think now. I hope you don’t blame me but if you do, I understand, but I’m just﹣I’m sorry for everything.”

“I never blamed you,” Haknyeon says softly. “Okay, that’s a lie. Maybe I did a little. In the beginning. I blamed you and Eric and myself too. I should’ve seen it. He was my best friend, you know? Maybe I just didn’t want to see it.”

Sunwoo thinks back to his time rooming with Hyunjun. He didn’t want to see the signs either, he remembers. Tricked himself into believing Hyunjun was doing fine﹣himself too.

Haknyeon continues. “I keep thinking if he had talked to me﹣” He breaks off. “Maybe I should’ve talked to him first. I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Sunwoo whispers.

“Is it my turn now?” Haknyeon chuckles and Sunwoo grins. “I’m sorry for ignoring you after it happened. And that I made you think I was blaming you. I was angry and grieving and confused﹣and then you didn’t talk to me either and I thought I lost you for good. I guess that was my fault.”

“I’m sorry for your birthday,” Sunwoo says. “That was a stupid thing we did.”

Haknyeon laughs. “At that time, yeah. I hated it. But I don’t know﹣it was a sweet thing you were trying to do. Eric explained it to me.”

Sunwoo stretches out his legs, leaning back against his headboard. He stares up at his ceiling. “Eric was right,” he says. “That you don’t hate me. Now I have to tell him that. God, I hate it when he’s right.”

Haknyeon laughs, his loud laugh, which always made Sunwoo grin and he prides himself that he still can make Haknyeon laugh like that. “I guess you can forgive it in these circumstances.”

“I guess.” Sunwoo hides his smile behind his hand even though he’s alone. This is going better than he thought he would. “How’s your summer going?”

“Pretty good. Life at a farm gets kinda boring, though.” Haknyeon chuckles. “How about you? I know you’re alone since Eric is gone.”

“I’m not alone,” Sunwoo replies. “I’ve been hanging out with some friends. When are you going back to school?”

“I’m not going back to the dorms, so I don’t know yet. I still haven’t found an apartment off campus.” Haknyeon groans. “God, I need to retake so many classes.”

“You can live with Eric.” Sunwoo stares at his desk. His textbooks are a painful reminder that he won’t be seeing Haknyeon again. “He’s looking for an apartment too.”

“I thought you two are planning to move in together?”

“I mean, yeah﹣” Sunwoo stumbles over his words. “Me too. I mean, I would live there too. Of course.” His fingers curl around his left wrist and he unconsciously starts scratching his scars.

“Okay.” Haknyeon still sounds confused but thankfully he doesn’t push it. “Hey, I have to go now, but it was good talking to you, Sunwoo. Thanks for reaching out.”

Sunwoo smiles. “You reached out first.”

Hakyneon laughs. “By the way, you should check out Hyunjun’s Facebook page. It’s a memorial page now and everyone can post something. You could upload some pictures. Eric already did. I feel like most of the pictures are from him.”

Sunwoo swallows. He hasn’t been online in months. “Okay, I will.”

*

Hyunjun’s profile picture is the same one Sunwoo remembers, a blurry photo of him in their dorm room, sitting on their window sill and staring out of the open window. Eric had taken it.

Sunwoo scrolls down his page, past the endless messages other students have left for him, barely reading them. More than once, he sees pictures of him with Eric, Haknyeon, sometimes all four of them. Haknyeon was right﹣from what Sunwoo can gather, Eric uploaded all of these.

He scrolls back up to the top, goes to write a new post, and then stops. The cursor blinks at him. Sunwoo switches over to his gallery, at the album he made of all the pictures of his time at college. It’s mostly random scenery photos, food pictures, selfies, and some more group pictures. There’s a selfie of him and Hyunjun, sitting on the floor, both throwing peace signs at the camera. Sunwoo has to grin when he remembers that Haknyeon called them posers for that picture.

He clicks on the next picture, a group photo of the four of them. Sunwoo doesn’t remember where it was taken but it must have been last fall. Haknyeon and Eric are grinning brightly, Hyunjun showing another peace sign, while Sunwoo is leaning against Eric.

Sunwoo sighs and Kevin looks up from where he’d been painting. “You okay?” There’s paint smudged on his cheek. Sunwoo makes grabby hands at him and Kevin huffs out a laugh, but wipes his hands on his overalls, settling down next to Sunwoo on the couch. He glances at his laptop. 

“Can’t decide on a photo?”

Sunwoo hums. “Look.” He tilts his laptop so Kevin can see. He points at the screen. “That’s Hyunjun. Haknyeon. And you know Eric.”

Kevin smiles softly. “It’s a nice picture,” he says. “You should upload it.” Sunwoo nods absently, eyes glancing over the screen. They stop at Hyunjun. He’s smiling, barely.

“Hyunjun got an undercut a few days before this picture was taken,” Sunwoo starts slowly. He chuckles at the memory. “He disliked it, actually. But he was tired of his hair and wanted something new, so he forced Eric to cut his hair. Haknyeon wasn’t there that day or else he would’ve stopped it, I’m sure, and I refused to do it.

“He didn’t dislike it because Eric did it,” he laughs when he remembers how outrageous Eric had been when Hyunjun said at dinner the next evening that no one should give Eric a razor ever again, teasing him. “Eric actually did a pretty good job, considering he never did it before. But it was new for him and he disliked change, so he was never a fan of his haircut.”

“Are you﹣” Kevin opens his mouth, closes it again, struggling with his words. “Do you﹣do you miss him?”

Sunwoo nods slowly. “But not as much as I used to,” he confesses quietly. “I was afraid, at first. I thought it meant he didn’t mean as much to me as I believed. I will always miss him and I hope he’s at peace now, but now I think it just means I finally accepted what happened.”

He used to dream of Hyunjun too, a lot. Especially after he found him, after his funeral. First, he used to dream of finding Hyunjun sooner, of preventing it. Then he started to see him everywhere, at every corner.

He doesn’t anymore. That, Sunwoo was also scared of. He thought he stopped caring about Hyunjun because a part of him believed he deserved to see him everywhere he went, to relive what he couldn’t stop, a painful reminder that he couldn’t save his friend. Now, Sunwoo knows it’s because he’s starting to heal from it. He hopes Eric did too, and Haknyeon.

Sunwoo glances at Kevin. “You remind me of him, actually,” he says. “I don’t know why. But I think you would’ve gotten along.”

Kevin smiles. “I’m glad to hear that. You can tell me more stories about him, when you’re ready.” His hand finds Sunwoo’s and he squeezes.

Sunwoo looks back at his laptop, ready to post the picture, when he notices something else now, Haknyeon’s hair color. He bumps his shoulder with Kevin. “You feel like dyeing my hair?”

Kevin looks at him, surprised. “Are you sure?” He glances back to his laptop screen. “Blonde?”

Sunwoo nods. Kevin checks the time and then grins. “The drugstore should still be open.”

*

“A hairdresser could’ve done a better job, I think,” comes Kevin’s voice above him. Sunwoo can just imagine the frown he’s wearing. “I told you bleaching your hair’s a mess.”

Sunwoo shakes his head, eyes closed at the feeling of Kevin’s hands in his hair, spreading the dye out. “Wanted you to do it.”

“Don’t blame me when your hair falls out.”

Sunwoo grins. “Does that really happen?”

“Who knows? But you can’t sue me if it does happen.”

“Mhm, alright. But I trust you. I doubt you’re gonna do that bad of a job.”

“Gee, thanks.” Sunwoo giggles, opening his eyes to see Kevin’s pout in the mirror. “Don’t pout, baby,” he teases. “I’ll make it up to you later.”

Kevin stills, his gaze meeting Sunwoo’s, something unreadable in his eyes. Sunwoo shivers. Kevin softly kisses his neck and Sunwoo’s eyes flutter shut. “I’ll hold you to that, baby.”

Kevin’s grown bolder around him after the shift in their relationship, more confident. And he’s good at this, Sunwoo’s realized, switching the mood, teasing him, and Sunwoo always feels weak for immediately falling victim to it. He never minds, though. 

Sunwoo glances at Kevin when he moves away, taking his gloves off and tossing them in the sink. Sunwoo wrinkles his nose. “It smells.”

Kevin laughs. “Yeah. That’s bleach for you.” He turns, leaning against the sink and grins at Sunwoo. “All jokes aside, I think you’re gonna look good with blonde hair.”

“Thanks,” Sunwoo murmurs. “What about you? Green hair still on the table?”

Kevin twirls a few strands of hair between his fingers. “Nah, not yet. If I dye it, I wanna cut it first.”

“No!” Sunwoo says quickly, startling himself with his little outburst. “Don’t. I mean﹣it’s your choice, but I like your hair.”

Kevin laughs softly, then bends down to press a quick kiss to Sunwoo’s lips. “I’ll keep that in mind, baby.” He hands him his phone. “Set the timer to thirty minutes. I’ll get us something to drink.”

Sunwoo unlocks his phone and watches as the time switches to a new hour. The date changes, too.

It’s August. He smiles.

It’s a new month.

*

to-do list for this summer:

1. watch the sunrise 
2. clean the entire house
3. go to a museum
4. make up with haknyeon?? apologize to haknyeon
5. kill myself?

*

When they were fifteen, a couple of older boys from their school broke into the local pool at night.

Eric dragged him there and it was a full-blown party by the time they got there, so no one paid any attention to two scrawny sophomores.

It felt exciting, in a way. Freshman year had been a drag, a new step going into high school, but ultimately it had been boring. Being fifteen felt different already﹣he wanted it to mean something so bad. It was supposed to be the beginning of something else, of growing up, of starting to grow into himself.

It was supposed to be a lot of things.

He still remembers his shirt clinging to his back, remembers how the summer night felt, can still see the bonfire someone started on the lawn. He still remembers his first beer, his second, then someone pushing some white pills into his hands. They’d been seniors, maybe even college boys, had dared him to prove himself to them and Sunwoo was fifteen and stupid and just wanted to be liked.

He’d been separated from Eric at that point already, they’d lost each other in the crowd, so Eric wasn’t there when Sunwoo, drunk and popped up on some pills he didn’t know, got dared to jump off the diving board.

Sunwoo was fifteen and young and stupid and maybe the dark water glistening in the moonlight enticed him a little, so he jumped.

Of course it was a stupid thing to do, he knows that now, but strangely he doesn’t regret it. It was only a few seconds while he was underwater but at that moment it felt like a lifetime to him. He remembers water filling his lungs when he couldn’t hold his breath any longer and he remembers the burn in his throat and staring up at the sky and thinking that if he died now it wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.

And that thought didn’t scare him as much as it should have.

He supposes someone must have gotten worried because before he could swim to the surface someone jumped in after him and dragged him up. It was a senior, a girl who tutored a study group for his physics class, and she helped Sunwoo find Eric and made him promise her he wouldn’t do something reckless like that again.

On Monday, at school, she came up to him and asked how he was doing. He feels weirdly sad for not remembering her name anymore.

It’s another summer, five years later, and Sunwoo’s standing in front of the same pool he almost drowned in. It’s day instead of night and there are kids running around and yelling and music playing from a loudspeaker and the sun is glaring down on his head. He should’ve worn a hat.

“Sunwoo?”

Someone calls his name and he looks up and sees Hyunjun.

Sunwoo blinks, shields his eyes from the sun, and sees Kevin looking at him with concern on his face. “Are you okay?”

Sunwoo nods mutely. The sun is making him delirious. A teenager is getting ready to jump off the diving board. Kevin comes to stand beside him, his hand resting by his side, fingers inches away from Sunwoo’s. Sunwoo feels brave, reaching his pinkie out and interlocking it with Kevin’s and Kevin smiles, intertwining their fingers. “Let’s go join the others.”

The others means Chanhee and Changmin who immediately dragged Sunwoo out when he texted Chanhee this morning. Their friend group includes Sangyeon and his friend Jaehyun, Jacob, Kevin’s best friend, Younghoon and Juyeon, who Sunwoo has never really interacted with back in school. He only vaguely remembers Juyeon because Eric used to have a crush on him.

(When Sunwoo sends a selfie of him, Changmin and Juyeon, Eric sends back a dozen shocked face emojis.)

They welcome Sunwoo in, as if they’ve been friends for years, and Sunwoo feels okay the entire day. The sun sets, afternoon blends into evening, they all make plans to have a barbecue at Jaehyun’s house who starts to whine that he has to go grocery shopping now. Kevin stays by his side the entire time and Sunwoo feels good.

*

“I’d like to make a toast.” Jaehyun stands proudly in front of the bonfire, drink outstretched into the sky. It’s not his first drink of the night. “To our youth.”

Everyone groans. “Sit down, old man.” Chanhee tugs at his pants in between laughter. Jaehyun gasps theatrically. 

“Babes, you all wound me. We had a good day, it’s a wonderful evening and I just wanna salute to us. Why am I getting booed?”

“A bug just bit me,” Juyeon bemoans. 

Jaehyun sighs. “My condolences.”

Someone hands him a can of beer, an offering, and Sunwoo smiles up at Sangyeon, shaking his head no. A second later and Sangyeon switched the drinks, offering him instead a soda and Sunwoo takes it gratefully.

Sunwoo, feeling brave, speaks up. “I think hyung is right.” He falters a little under everyone’s eyes on him but he catches Kevin’s gaze across the fire, sees his smile, and gains new courage. “Sure, it feels a little cliché but it fits.”

“See? See!” Jaehyun comes up to stand beside him, patting his shoulder. “He agrees with me. I knew I liked this kid for a reason.”

“Kid?” Sunwoo snorts. “You’re like two years older than me. You really do talk like an old man.”

They break into various fits of laughter and Sunwoo feels weirdly proud at that. Jaehyun’s hand leaves his shoulder and he clinks his bottle with Sunwoo’s soda. “Welcome to the group, kid.” He’s grinning.

“Stop with the kid,” Sunwoo whines and Jaehyun cackles, going back to his seat. “Baby Sunwoo,” he coos. “Is baby Sunwoo joining us for paintballing tomorrow?”

Sunwoo glares at him. “Bring it on. I’ll beat your ass.”

Jaehyun gasps. “Respect your elders.”

“Sunwoo’s more mature than you,” Sangyeon mumbles and Sunwoo has to bite back his laugh. 

“Team Jaehyun will win.” Jaehyun leans back in his chair, stretching his legs out. Chanhee glares at that, muttering beanpole under his breath, but then he’s throwing his legs on top of Jaehyun’s and Jaehyun only smiles stupidly at that. Chanhee huffs. “I’m not on Team Jaehyun, by the way.”

“Come on, babe,” Jaehyun teases. “You don’t wanna be on the winning team? The loser team has to buy dinner for everyone﹣” He yelps suddenly. “A bug bit me!”

“Revenge,” Juyeon says and everyone loses it again.

*

A splash of red hits Juyeon square in the chest and he falls dramatically to his knees, clutching his heart. “Go on…without me.”

Kevin rolls his eyes but takes off running. “A+ for acting, Juyeon!” he yells over his shoulder and Juyeon laughs breathlessly, rolling onto his back.

Changmin cackles from his vantage point. Sunwoo doesn’t wanna know how he managed to climb that tower so quickly but he doesn’t have time to think because he sees Jaehyun running towards him suddenly and he starts to run. 

Sunwoo runs zigzag through the field, hiding strategically behind barrels and trees, before taking off again. He can hear Jaehyun screaming behind him and grins.

It’s round two out of three. They’re all breathless, covered in paint. Sangyeon’s team, with Sunwoo on it, lost the first round, but Sangyeon’s naturally a good leader, good at commanding his team, so Sunwoo feels even more desire to win the second round. And to get back at Jaehyun.

He does a quick count in his head. Juyeon’s the only one of his team who’s out﹣he hopes. He doesn’t know where Sangyeon and Kevin are, but he knows at least one of them must be quick because he can see Chanhee and Jacob relaxing at the out-zone, being joined by Juyeon now.

Yellow color bursts open on a tree bark in front of him and Sunwoo stops dead in his tracks, eyes wide. He turns around and spies Changmin waving at him, leaning against a barrel. “How did you find me so fast?” Sunwoo yells. “That’s not fair.”

Changmin laughs. “Nothing’s fair in love and war.” Sunwoo can hear Chanhee and Jacob booing that line. “Better run, baby Sunwoo,” Changmin continues, lazily spinning his gun. “I’ll give you a headstart.”

Sunwoo glares at him but doesn’t let himself be told twice and takes off immediately, running past the others who are cheering him on. He’s fairly certain he’s lost Changmin and hides behind a stack of hay, catching his breath. His legs burn, his muscles ache, but he’s still smiling despite the pain. It’s one of the most fun days he’s had in ages.

“Sunwoo.”

At his name, Sunwoo quickly looks to his right, seeing Sangyeon hiding behind a tree. After making sure the coast is clear, Sangyeon joins him. “Juyeon is eliminated,” Sunwoo says. Sangyeon nods, face grave, and Sunwoo has to bite back a smile at how serious everyone’s taking this game. “I don’t know where Kevin is.”

Sangyeon points to an area behind them, with more hay stacks. “Last I saw him, he was hiding there. He took Younghoon out earlier. Is Jaehyun still in the game?”

Sunwoo nods and Sangyeon grimaces. “He’s gonna be insufferable about this. Listen, you go and find Kevin, alright? Team up with him and try to take out Jaehyun.” Sangyeon stares straight ahead, where Sunwoo came from. “I’ll go there.”

Sunwoo’s eyes widen. “Hyung, Changmin’s back there. Trust me, you don’t wanna meet him.”

Sangyeon shakes his head. “I have to. Changmin’s never beaten me at this game before and he’s out for revenge today.” He grins. “I’ll see you on the other side, Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo grabs his arm before Sangyeon can get up. “Be careful, hyung.”

Sangyeon pats his back. “I’ll cover you.”

It isn’t as hot today as it had been the past week and the trees provide a nice shade from the afternoon sun, but the air is still hot and running around the whole time doesn’t help, but Sunwoo﹣

Sunwoo can’t stop laughing. 

He feels good, he feels better than good, he feels almost alive.

It’s a silly thing﹣he knows he’s alive, he knows his heart is beating and there’s blood flowing through his veins, but he’s never really felt like he was living. But right now he can feel the sunshine on his arms, can hear the others screaming somewhere behind him, can hear his heart thumping in his ears.

And Sunwoo wants this feeling to stay, wants to always feel this way.

He can see Kevin peeking up behind a haystack, waving at him, and Sunwoo smiles so bright his cheeks start to hurt, but he doesn’t care. He falls to his knees next to Kevin, discarding his gun somewhere behind him and cups Kevin’s face in his hands.

“Kevin, Kevin, Kev﹣” Sunwoo stumbles over his words, breathless, and Kevin lets out a surprised laugh, grabbing his arms, fingers curling around his wrists.

“Sunwoo﹣” Kevin laughs. “Calm down, take a breath﹣”

“Kevin, I﹣” Sunwoo swallows, still smiling so wide, chest heaving, looking like a mess, but it doesn’t matter to him. “Kevin, Kev, I want to live.”

“Okay.” Kevin laughs again but he’s looking at him with something unreadable on his face. “Sunwoo, is everything okay?”

“Yes, yes.” Sunwoo laughs, resting his forehead on Kevin’s shoulder. “Yes, I’m fine, I feel so good, Kevin, thank you. Kevin, I﹣” He looks up again, thumbs grazing over Kevin’s cheekbones. “I want to live.”

Kevin starts to smile, a small smile, growing bigger and bigger, and then he’s pulling Sunwoo in for a quick kiss. “Okay,” he whispers against his lips. “Okay.”

Sunwoo kisses him again and again and again until they’re both sinking into it, Sunwoo moving to straddle Kevin, forgetting everything around him. He feels hot all over, he never wants to stop touching Kevin, never wants to stop feeling this way﹣

He yelps and jumps in surprise when something hits him in his back and they break apart, breathless, when someone sighs above them. They turn to see Jaehyun shaking his head, disappointment on his face. “Never turn your back on your enemy.” He clicks his tongue and points his gun at them. “There’s no time for being horny in paintball.”

Jaehyun walks off, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Dinner on Sangyeon!” he yells into the sky.

“I’m gonna kill Lee Jaehyun,” Kevin mutters and Sunwoo giggles, turning to see him glaring at Jaehyun’s retreating back. Sunwoo captures Kevin’s lips in another kiss.

*

“We should play another round after dinner,” Changmin says. He’s draped over Sangyeon’s back, arms around his neck, but Sangyeon doesn’t seem bothered by the extra weight. “You like this game too much,” Sangyeon mumbles and Changmin giggles.

“I’m out,” Younghoon yawns. “‘m starving. Hyung, I want ramen.”

Sangyeon glares at him. 

Chanhee taps at his chin in mock thought. “I’m feeling like beef.” Sangyeon glares harder. Juyeon perks up. “Oh, me too!”

“You were on my team.”

“But we lost, hyung.”

“Count us out,” Kevin says over their bickering and all eyes turn to them. Kevin’s hand is warm in his and Sunwoo feels his ears redden. He can’t quite keep the smile off his face. “We got plans.”

Jaehyun starts to smirk. “Oh, I’m sure you do﹣”

He jumps when Jacob pinches his side and pouts at him, but Jacob pays him no mind, instead smiles at Sunwoo and Kevin. “Have a good night, you two.”

“Jacob’s so mean,” Jaehyun mumbles when they’ve all said goodbye and go their separate ways.

“Deserved,” comes Chanhee’s reply and Sunwoo giggles. He squeezes Kevin’s hand once, still giddy, still overflowing with all his feelings, and Kevin doesn’t look at him, but he squeezes back once, twice.

*

Sunwoo tilts his head back, a breathless moan escaping his lips, when Kevin leaves a trail of soft kisses down his neck. “Stop teasing,” Sunwoo mumbles and Kevin laughs against his skin. “So sensitive,” he grins and whatever remark Sunwoo had on his tongue disappears when Kevin goes back to nibbling at his skin. He feels him moving lower, to his shoulder, down his arm, and then Kevin’s pressing a soft kiss to his left wrist. Sunwoo stills.

Kevin softly traces his fingers down Sunwoo’s scars before kissing them again.

Sunwoo feels tears prickling at his eyes and then Kevin’s cupping his cheeks, thumb slowly running over his lips. “Sunwoo,” Kevin whispers. His name rolls so beautifully off his lips. “Sunwoo, you’re so pretty. Sun﹣” A kiss to his nose. “So pretty.” His cheeks, his eyelids. “So, so beautiful.” Lastly, his lips. Sunwoo deepens it, hand on Kevin’s head, tangling in his hair and Kevin smiles. “Patience,” he mumbles. “We have all the time in the world.”

Sunwoo nods and slowly relaxes. When Kevin whispers praises into his skin, when he breaks him apart and puts him back together, Sunwoo keeps thinking back to these words.

He has time.

*

Sunwoo traces his fingers over the tattoo on Kevin’s wrist, relishing in the goosebumps that appear. “I want another one,” Kevin mumbles.

Sunwoo hums. “Where?”

Kevin points to his inner arm, underneath his elbow. “Here. Or﹣” He points to his chest, at his sternum. “Here. Would you wanna get one someday?”

“Maybe.” He stares at his wrist, his burn scars barely recognizable in the faint light of Kevin’s bedside lamp. It’s weird. Sunwoo was always afraid of wearing short sleeves, always thought everyone would notice his scars, felt that they were big and bold and ugly. But even in the daylight he can barely see them anymore. He doesn’t know when he stopped paying attention to them.

“If you’re ready for it, then I’ll take you to Sangyeon’s studio.”

Sunwoo blinks at him. “Sangyeon hyung is a tattoo artist?!”

Kevin laughs. “Yes. You wouldn’t expect that from him, right?”

Sunwoo shakes his head, grinning. “Is he gonna give me a discount?” he jokes.

“He likes you, I’m sure of it.”

Sunwoo traces his fingers over his wrist. “I have an idea.” His cheeks redden. “But it’s cheesy.”

“D’you wanna tell me?”

Sunwoo bites his lip and then leans over, whispering something in Kevin’s ear. He feels silly but when he pulls back Kevin’s smiling at him. “I think it’s nice,” he whispers. “Can I﹣?”

Kevin rummages around in his drawer and then holds a pen out, silently asking Sunwoo for confirmation. Sunwoo nods and he watches as Kevin puts the pen to his skin, slowly drawing out the phases of the moon, starting from his inner arm down to his wrist. The last phase, the crescent moon, ends up over his scars.

“If you’re ready,” Kevin says again. He kisses Sunwoo’s shoulder. “Just let me know.”

*

eric: tteokbokki
eric: ramen
eric: pancakes?🤔

sunwoo: why are u sending me ur grocery list.

eric: 😙
eric: i’m coming back in a week
eric: we’ll have a barbecue
eric: i wanna meet kevinnn
eric: and ur other friends i cant believe u replaced me 😖😖😖

sunwoo: loser
sunwoo: are u sure ur ready to meet juyeon

eric: STOP
eric: after u sent that selfie i stalked his instagram sos
eric: he’s still so hot
eric: is he single

sunwoo: idk
sunwoo: and i’m not gonna ask him so don’t bother

eric: sunwoooo

sunwoo: erigieeee

eric: miss u

sunwoo: miss u too

eric: 🥰
eric: i have a surprise for u

sunwoo: what does that mean.
sunwoo: eric.
sunwoo: i take it back i don’t miss you

eric: 😘😘😘

*

Eric comes back the second week of August. 

He barrels into Sunwoo, almost stumbling over his feet in his hurry to get out of his car, and wraps his arms around him in a bear crushing hug. Sunwoo stumbles under the sudden weight, but his arms find Eric’s waist and he’s laughing.

He’s standing barefoot on his front lawn, can feel the grass underneath his feet. It’s only ten in the morning and it’s hot, too hot, the sun blinding his eyes, but he doesn’t care.

“Missed you,” Eric breathes into his shoulder and Sunwoo relaxes. They stay like that for a while. And if he clings a little tighter to Eric’s shirt, they don’t mention it.

Their last hug had been almost over three months ago when Eric left college earlier than Sunwoo because of his flight. That hug had been a promise to call, to text, to see each other again in the coming fall. It had been a goodbye and a reunion at once.

This one feels like a reunion too, an I missed you, a good to see you again . 

Sunwoo swallows. “Missed you too. Loser,” he adds on and Eric pulls back, grinning brightly. “You okay?”

There’s so much hidden in those two words, years of friendship shining through. It means how are you, it means I missed you, it means I hope you’ve been well, it means I won’t leave again.

Sunwoo nods. “Yeah.” Sunwoo says yes, but he means I’m sorry, he means I’m scared of losing you, he means I love you. You’re my best friend.

And it all boils down to this, maybe. After everything, Eric is still his best friend.

Eric’s tanner now, his hair is longer, pulled back into a ponytail beneath his baseball cap. He looks healthy, good. Eric pinches his cheek once, like a grandma would, and coos, “My Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo rolls his eyes, almost pushes Eric off him. Eric’s hand moves up, running through Sunwoo’s hair. “My Barbie Sunwoo.”

This time, Sunwoo does push him off and Eric laughs. “What was your surprise?” he asks and Eric quickly sobers up.

“Well.” He scratches his neck, suddenly looking bashful. “Please don’t get mad at me. But he said that you two talked and things between you are fine now, so…”

Sunwoo narrows his eyes at him. “Who?” he asks, although he already knows the answer. Eric steps aside, pointing to his car, and Sunwoo looks up to see Haknyeon leaning against the passenger door, waving sheepishly. Eric hugged him so tight that Sunwoo didn’t see him getting out of the car at all.

His breath catches in his throat.

Haknyeon. Haknyeon is here, for the first time in months Sunwoo is seeing Haknyeon again, Haknyeon﹣

He didn’t want to admit to himself how upset he actually was over not seeing Haknyeon again. Somehow, Eric knew.

Sunwoo playfully shoves Eric in the shoulder, sniffling. “Idiot,” he mumbles. “Thanks.”

Eric smiles at him, soft. He tilts his head towards Haknyeon. “You gonna say hi?”

Haknyeon meets him halfway. They both stare at each other for a moment, feeling awkward, not knowing what to say. Haknyeon breaks the silence. “Hi.”

Sunwoo laughs quietly. “Hi.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Eric throws his arms around them both and they stumble, but then they’re all laughing, huddled together in a group hug. Unconsciously, Sunwoo wishes Chanhee was here with his camera, so he could capture this moment. But he supposes it doesn’t matter. They have the rest of the month for that.

*

Eric and Jaehyun get along like a house on fire and Chanhee immediately takes Haknyeon under his wing. Sunwoo’s secretly relieved.

Everyone’s at his house tonight, his friends and Kevin’s. The house is fuller than it has ever been, Sunwoo’s never seen so many pairs of shoes at the entryway, there’s music playing outside and the kitchen is a mess, with groceries everywhere, but Sunwoo doesn’t mind.

He stands in his kitchen, huffing out a laugh when he hears Eric and Haknyeon yelling at each other from his backyard. Before he went inside, they were battling it out in the pool.

Now, he stares at his to-do list spread out on the counter, the ripped notebook paper yellowed at the edges after months of being in his phone case. 

Sunwoo musters his handwriting. It feels like a lifetime ago when he wrote it.

That day, on the train, when Sunwoo felt so hopeless and lost, he had to write down a schedule for his summer or else he felt like he’d drown﹣maybe that Sunwoo is still in him, somewhere. Maybe he hasn’t let go of him completely, maybe he’ll always carry him around. But things right now are already so much more different than they were at the beginning of his summer.

There are still things out in the open﹣he still hasn’t told anyone that he dropped out of college, doesn’t know how his friends will react, how his parents will react, doesn’t know what’s gonna happen with him and Kevin in the future﹣

But he knows he wants to move in with Eric, and Haknyeon. Wants to go outside and spend the entire night by the pool, wants to grill meat and eat until he’s full. Maybe get a tattoo someday. 

He grabs a lighter from a kitchen drawer and holds the list over the sink, watches as the flames slowly devour it until there’s nothing left anymore.

The kitchen is dark, moonlight shining in through the window. Sunwoo turns when there’s a knock on the door and he sees Kevin leaning against the doorway. “You good?”

Sunwoo nods. “Eric wanted more soda,” he says, dropping the lighter back into the drawer. “And I just needed a breather.”

Kevin smiles and hops up on the counter. Sunwoo immediately stands in between his legs, arms around his waist and Kevin laughs when Sunwoo rests his head on his chest, pressing a kiss to his head. “Clingy Sunwoo,” he murmurs, but his fingers have started to run through his hair. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Kevin’s phone lies next to him, with the screen facing down, and Sunwoo smiles when he notices a polaroid of the two of them in his phone case. They went to one of those photo booths weeks ago, before they went to play paintball﹣Sunwoo has similar polaroids up in his bedroom, with Kevin, with Chanhee and Changmin.

“I dropped out of college.”

The sudden confession surprises Kevin, his fingers stopping for a moment, before they continue in their movements. Sunwoo continues, “Last semester, before I came home. After Hyunjun, I knew I couldn’t go back there. And I don’t know, I just don’t feel like it’s something I wanna do.”

“That’s okay,” Kevin whispers. “College isn’t for everyone.”

“I still haven’t told Eric.” Sunwoo leans back, resting his hands on the counter. “I’m afraid of how he’s gonna react.”

“I only met Eric properly tonight, but,” Kevin smiles. “He doesn’t look like he’d be the type of friend to get mad at that.”

“I know, but﹣” Sunwoo shrugs helplessly.

Kevin taps his forehead with one finger. “You’re too much in your head, Sun,” he says softly. “Try and get out of there sometimes.”

Sunwoo feels bold. “Not when I’m with you, though.”

Kevin looks surprised, a blush creeping up his neck, and Sunwoo relishes in it, grinning. Kevin swats at his chest playfully. “Okay, smoothtalker. I thought we were having a moment.”

Sunwoo laughs. “We were.”

“Mhm.” Kevin leaves a soft kiss on his lips. “It works, though, I’ll give you that.” When he starts to pull away, Sunwoo pulls him back in with his hand around his head, deepening the kiss and Kevin groans. Sunwoo always feels a little prideful that he’s the one who can make Kevin feel like this.

Sunwoo’s other hand slips under Kevin’s shirt and Kevin grins. “As much as I would love to continue this,” he says. “I’ll give the others five minutes before they come looking for us. Do you want Jaehyun to catch us again?”

Sunwoo shakes his head, but doesn’t stop, starts to leave kisses down Kevin’s throat. “We can do this for three minutes then.”

Sunwoo wants so much. He wants to continue kissing Kevin, wants to go to bed later and fall asleep by his side, even wants Jaehyun and Eric to tease them but he won’t mind because that makes it more real and Sunwoo wants that. He knows he wants to live and Sunwoo supposes that’s enough for now.