Chapter Text
Freshers
The last time Jaemin had stood where he was now, he had been dreaming his life away. Leaving behind what was in front of him, and facing the faceless future.
The last time Jaemin had stood in front of this university, he had been moving on.
He shivered at the cold breeze. He’d been gone long enough to grow unused to the cold climate and he had to bundle his coat around his body.
The cold had brought fond memories while he had been away. Jaemin had spent the last year trapped in a fiery climate, where nearly everyone he met claimed to have never seen snow before. But Jaemin, he grew up with white Christmases - and Easters - and even once a birthday, in which he spent the day outside playing with his friends in the white blanket.
While he was away he went to the ice rink more often than his ego would allow him to admit, just because he had missed the cold, missed the feeling of gliding across the ice and the chilly atmosphere. Maybe because he had missed someone else too, but all thoughts of that now had to be squashed before he walked into his new - old university.
His parents had helped him settle in, settle back in, they were less than a half hour's drive away, and he remembered how many times they would drive up to meet him just for a dinner, or take him home for the weekend whenever he needed a break. The university he stood before was his old university, old both historically and to his own life, he had moved on - yet now he was back.
He hated to admit that.
But there he was.
Jaemin had spent the whole of his first year in higher education at the local university, staying in a tiny little dorm room on this giant campus. It was a small town, and the university was named after it, or the town after the university.
Beyond the university and its facilities, there was little else of interest. A quaint diner ripped right out of a film of the American 50s, a library that Jaemin found himself in more often than the grand one on campus, because he was guaranteed a seat and it was closer to the ice rink. Everything else in the town was hardly worth mentioning, there were houses and trees, a couple shops and then right in the centre was the main university buildings.
You would think that the university would hardly attract any students, but kids poured in from all over the country and even from worldwide due to the one thing the university really had going for it, that this was the university for winter sport.
Sprinkled around town were state of the art sports facilities, and just a short drive away was the start of the ski slopes. Jaemin hated it.
That’s not to say that he always had, but no - since his return to his parent’s home and his old university, since all the reminders of his old life had flared up, he had to curse all forms of winter sport. Even his own beloved figure skating, that had been his only solace in his long months away. Something about the cold and ice, that he had longed for while away, was suffocating him now that he was back inside the snow globe of the small town and winter sport fanaticism.
Maybe not quite something, but someone.
Jaemin had stood still for too long. He’d been staring at the clock tower before him, watching as the seconds trickled past. But it was too cold for this passive mindlessness, and he hated how his fingers felt numb and how the cold licked at his toes in spite of his thick boots.
“Nana!” Jaemin whipped around.
Renjun barreled towards him, he too was wrapped up in a warm coat and his nose was tinged pink. His friend pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing their bodies together and rocking side to side.
“Junnie,” Jaemin said softly, he could feel how much his friend had missed him from the tenderness of their embrace. Jaemin felt the same, over a year spent with their only point of contact being online.
“Ugh,” Renjun sighed and let him go, “You’re definitely not allowed to leave for so long again!”
Jaemin stepped back as the elder play-hit him.
“Renjun, did you miss me,” Jaemin put on his baby voice, cooing at his shorter friend who rolled his eyes and accepted his babying.
“We all did,” Renjun responded, he said it nonchalantly, but the implication was there.
“I miss everyone, too,” Jaemin replied, playing with his cold fingers.
“Mmm,” Renjun eyed him up, “Come on, let’s go get some food.”
Renjun smiled and hooked his arm through Jaemin’s to pull him along. They set off on their journey slowly, taking their time as they walked across campus to the glowing diner.
“So how was it?” Renjun asked, interrupting their comfortable silence, he sent Jaemin a pointed look that demanded the truth, “How was it, really? Because your messages say one thing but you’re here, aren’t you?”
“Hot, busy,” Jaemin paused, “Lonely.”
Jaemin looked down at his boots, watching as his feet stepped over cracks in the pavement.
“I-” He paused once again, “I already wanted to come home pretty early on, but my parents had already spent so much money, and I didn’t want to give up, not that quickly, not when-”
“When the move broke you and Jeno,” Renjun finished for him, he’d briefly stopped his strides to glance at Jaemin, who met his eyes and reluctantly nodded.
Jaemin did not know how to answer. He himself still felt confused by what had happened over a year ago.
“I didn’t want to come back without even giving it a proper shot,” He settled on that.
“And here you are,” Renjun said.
Here he was.
The outside of the diner was garish enough, demanding his attention even in the light of day, but the inside overwhelmed him in a way he forgot was possible. Jaemin supposed that every eatery was like that, even back at his last university, where hot streets were filled with stadiums of people, but the stark contrast of the silent grey outside to the vibrance and volume of the inside of the diner affected him beyond the likes of a rush hour starbucks.
“We can go if you want?” Renjun broke his thoughts. Jaemin appreciated how Renjun always seemed to sense how he was feeling, even from the flicker of action on his face.
Jaemin shook his head. This was just something he would have to get re-used to, and besides, it’s not like there were many other places to get food in town.
Renjun nodded and pulled him along to a table in the corner. Jaemin watched in amusement as Renjun rolled his eyes at chaotic students causing a fuse, throwing food at each other and screaming out, their cheers fading into laughter.
“Bet you haven’t missed this,” Renjun said, relaxing into his chair. He didn’t look at the menu.
“Nope, didn’t need to - this is everywhere,” Jaemin dismissed, remembering students of all ages kicking up trouble in all sorts of places. The younger scanned the menu in front of him, food names bringing all sorts of memories to mind; date night, friend hangouts, game celebrations, game commiserations, even sitting as they were now, Renjun right across from him, the comfortable silence as the cacophony of the world revolved around them.
They had ordered and were patiently waiting for their food, both ordering their usuals of burgers and curly fries. Renjun ordered his with a strawberry milkshake that had Jaemin wrinkling his nose.
Their food arrived relatively quickly but the ‘thank you’ fell off Jaemin’s tongue when the door rang open and the hockey team walked through hooting and hollering. Recognisable figures piled in until his eyes land on the one that is most familiar to him, the one whose existence he knows intimately. The one he would forever be able to picture in his mind even if it was after years of not seeing him.
Jaemin watched on as Jeno’s handsome eye smile adorned his features as the team bustled over to a couple of empty tables. His burger went forgotten as he watched his boyfriend, his ex boyfriend, happy and loud with his friends and suddenly a year of not seeing each other added up all at once.
The face he knew better than his own seemed strange and unfamiliar. Had Jeno always sat like that, taking up space with his big and boisterous body? Had his eye smile never truly curved into half crescents like Jaemin had always thought? His laugh not carefree but subdued?
“Nana?” Renjun called out, and he slipped back into his own body. His hand wrapped around the icy water in front of him.
“Hmm?” Jaemin started to pick up his burger.
“You okay?” Renjun had his back to the door, to the rest of the diner. He didn’t watch as the hockey team had poured in, or maybe he did, it just held less significance to the friend who had stayed.
Jaemin nodded slowly, his mouth full of the burger he had craved all year.
“It’s him isn’t it?” Jaemin hated that Renjun knew him so well, or maybe that he was such an open book. Jaemin nodded again, swallowing harshly. “You’ll talk eventually, you have to. You know we were all friends, that’s still the same, no one’s getting shut out.”
“Of course, yeah. I know,” He trailed off as his eyes latched back onto Jeno. How does someone grow up in a year, when did the boy he grew up with become a man he did not know?
Jeno laughed harder now, and Jaemin felt better when he saw the eye smile bloom on his face. He hadn’t been wrong about that at least, as the man with the moon smile tipped his head back at the hilarity of a joke made by someone who was a stranger to Jaemin.
And god, maybe he wasn’t over Jeno. Not even a bit, not even a little, not over him at all.
They broke up in the same manner they fell in love. Slowly and then all at once.
Falling in love became looking at your best friend and realising you were soulmates. Breaking up was hearing your soulmate's voice and realising you weren’t going to make it together until one day a text came through to end it.
Jeno and Jaemin had grown up together. Well, most of their friends had also done this, but Jeno and Jaemin had always been different. They revolved around each other, pulling each other into orbit, speaking a psychic language only they seemed to understand, knowing what a slight tilt of the head meant.
At first they had just been best friends. Their first names had them napping next to each other in nursery, falling asleep facing one another in the soft yellow glow of the classroom. They had sat together all through nursery and reception, their coat pegs next to each other, Jaemin’s peg decorated with a picture of a brown rabbit and Jeno’s a fluffy white dog.
When “big school” started they were separated by surname, but only just. Jeno became sandwiched between Lee Donghyuck and Lee Minju and Jaemin hated it with all his tiny heart, even if there was only one person between them.
The next year Minju had moved to the city and they were back together again, but still Donghyuck sat on Jeno’s other side. Jaemin, an only child, learnt, though begrudgingly, how to share with others.
Jeno always said they fell in love before they knew what falling in love even was. But Jaemin always remembered the school disco, when they were 11 and 10, and everyone was obsessed with the idea of dancing and maybe even kissing the person they liked, and all Jaemin could think of was Jeno.
At sixteen they made things official, stumbling through an awkward transition from best friends to boyfriends at an age where dating is a difficult task to navigate.
Then at twenty it ends. Four years of dating, seventeen years of friendship over. Through the move of one across the country and a single line text message.
No matter how much Jaemin insisted he was fine that Jeno didn’t even look his way that first day back on campus in the diner with Renjun, he wasn’t.
He slowly settled into his new dorm on campus, feeling just as intimidated by the lonely dorm room and the familiar university as he did back in first year. Every new year at university had felt more stressful than the last. In first year he was stressed by the prospect of university, wondering how hard his classes were or if he and Jeno would have time to see each other. Second year he’d moved across the damn country, stressed out by not knowing anyone, by the amount of money it had cost his parents, by how hard his classes would definitely be, and wondering if he and Jeno would make it through.
Now that third year had started, he felt like he was back at the beginning. He would have to admit moving to a different, better, university had spat him back out again, he was awkward with some of the people he’d been friends for life with all because he and his boyfriend had broken up. And now all he could wonder was if he and Jeno would speak at all.
Jaemin paced the carpeted floor of his dorm room. There was still a week before classes would start up again, he knew he should probably be doing something social but instead he’d already spent the morning curled up in his single bed.
He stopped pacing. He groaned aloud and picked up his phone and sent a text to Renjun asking the other if he wanted to meet up for coffee or lunch.
Renjun replied almost immediately and Jaemin pounced back on his phone to check the message.
renjunnie
Hey, Im going to the diner with the guys, meeting in like 30 mins - youre welcome to join12:06
Jaemin paused. The guys could only mean their group of friends. Well the size could be anything from the six of them to the larger group that spanned into the hockey team and the year above. Even if Renjun meant the six friends, the six who stayed while he, the seventh, had moved away, he definitely meant Jeno. Jaemin crawled back into bed, throwing his duvet over his head and nestling under the safety of the cover, cradling his phone in hand and staring at the message. The already acknowledged reminder that the six of them had made another group chat without him in it hung heavy in his heart. They still spoke on their normal group chat, but had quietened down over his year-long absence. He supposed it was out of kindness, in a way, them not wanting to rub it in his face all the plans they were making while he was stuck hundreds of miles away all alone.
- renjunnie
- Please come
Everyone wants to see you 12:07
Renjun’s next messages surprised him. Everyone?
- Jaem, get out of bed wont you? And i can see your reading these!!!
*you’re 12:08
Jaemin groaned again. He knew he had to go, not only because Renjun was insisting he did join them, but he couldn’t let the gap in his friendship with everyone fester. It couldn’t become a problem.
- okay okay i’ll see you there
Renjun replied instantly with a smiley face emoji
Now he had to decide what to wear. He wanted to look nice, but not like he was trying too hard. Just normal.
He had seen Renjun recently, on his first day of campus and again yesterday when he came to visit Jaemin’s new dorm room.
Chenle and Jisung were easy, he’d seen Jisung when he had first moved back a couple of weeks ago, and he and Chenle had facetimed often enough during his year away that he knew there wouldn’t be tension.
Mark could go either way. With Renjun, Chenle, and Jisung welcoming him back he’d probably swing to the same, especially with Renjun involved. But he was also unsure, Mark had been like his older brother, and they had texted. Maybe not as much as they could’ve, but a bit. But Mark was also naturally awkward in the most endearing way and-
Jaemin was over thinking it.
The only two he had any reason to worry about were Donghyuck and Jeno.
“Jaemin!” Jaemin sagged with relief as Chenle called out his name. He had been hesitantly walking through the stone-paved paths of campus towards the diner, rubbing his hands along his jeans.
“Chenle!” Jaemin smiled back, pulling the younger one in for a warm hug. “It’s so good to see you!”
The two rocked about, shuffling their feet into the snow that lines the path. A warmth fills Jaemin’s body even through his thick puffer coat.
“Renjun texted me you were coming! I think he’s coming from the library with Ji.” Jaemin nodded along as they started to walk to the diner. “The others - the others are coming from practice.”
“So, how have you been?” Jaemin changed the subject.
“I’ve been good! It doesn’t really feel like you missed much, y’know. We spoke a lot, hyung.”
“Yeah,” Jaemin trailed off.
“We missed you lots, but living here hasn’t changed much, everything was pretty much the same, just - you weren’t around.”
Everything was frozen in time but why is it impossible to break back into the bubble?
“This year will be lots of fun, I think. We’re all back together again!” Chenle chattered enthusiastically. Jaemin could see the diner in front of them and felt his stomach tighten. “Ah Nana, I missed your cooking! Come cook for me soon, I’ll do the washing up!” Chenle begged, shaking Jaemin gently.
Jaemin laughed, pulling Chenle into his side as they walked up to the main doors.
They were the first ones there and quickly rushed to their usual back corner where they could push two tables together to accommodate them all. After dragging the other table over, they sat down comfortably in the booth. Jaemin felt his heart race slightly, his mouth going dry and he hurriedly looked around for a waiter.
Awkwardly flagging down a waiter he hadn’t seen before, presumably a new college student from out of town, he ordered a diet coke before watching as Chenle excitedly ordered a banana milkshake and some curly fries to share while they waited. Jaemin felt immense relief that being with Chenle felt just as normal as it always did, all friendly smiles and laughing with comfortable conversation. He couldn’t help the anxiousness that threatened to cloud over him.
Jaemin was sitting facing the door, his back to the wall, on his left the window, which wrapped around the diner. He wondered who would end up next to him.
The door swung open, making way for Renjun and Jisung to meander in. Jaemin quickly pointed it out to Chenle who snapped round to wave them over as he screamed their names. If it were anyone else but Chenle he’d probably feel embarrassed by the loud exclamation.
Renjun and Jisung glided into the remaining booth seats, Jisung grinned at Jaemin as he sat next to him.
“It’s good to see you, Jaem,” Jisung had a gentle smile on his face that made Jaemin’s heart swell. He had recently seen Jisung but in the diner that year’s growth was more prominent. When did his youngest friend, his little brother, grow up? Was a year really so long of a time?
Their curly fries and drinks arrived, and the two who just arrived ordered their own beverages. They happily chatted while snacking on the curly fries, Jaemin helping himself to big piles of mayo as he ate. He only smiled at Renjun’s scrunched up face as the other dipped his fry into the ketchup.
Jaemin didn’t look up straight away when the door next opened, but Mark’s familiar giggly laugh permeated through the diner and he couldn’t help but force his head up. The others all cheered as the three hockey players walked through the door, wrapped up in sweatpants and the team’s jacket. His breath shuddered and he dragged his eyes down but quickly looked again.
His eyes immediately met Jeno’s and he felt his heart lurch. He looked the same as he did last Thursday when he saw him again in the diner, but this time Jeno’s unwavering stare was directed towards him. The hollering of his friends was deafened as he watched Jeno approach, he half stood up in anticipation before flushing red and sitting back down. Jeno tore his eyes away, looking down toward the table as he walked over.
Jaemin smiled at the newcomers, his smile dimming slightly as Jeno sat on the same side as him, meaning they could not look at one another. It relaxed his heart slightly though.
Mark pulled the chair out next to Renjun while Donghyuck and Jeno took the remaining two chairs on Jaemin’s side. Jaemin rubbed his hands together under the table, everyone chatting amongst themselves while he felt paralysed. He robotically moved his hand to his drink, taking a large sip from the straw and keeping it in his hand once he had finished.
Were they going to say hello?
“Jaem,” He moved his gaze from the menu on the table to meet Mark’s eyes, Jaemin nodded slightly, “I’m really happy you’re back.”
A smile blossomed on Jaemin’s face and he looked back down shyly.
“It’s really nice to be back, nice to see you all again,” Jaemin addressed the rest of the group at the table.
“So, how was it?” Donghyuck leant forward to look at Jaemin as he asked. Jaemin felt some relief at the offer of conversation from Donghyuck.
“It was - “ He paused briefly, what was he meant to say, should he lie? Tell the truth? “Good.”
“Good?” Donghyuck repeated back, Jaemin pretended not to notice the look Renjun sent to the other man.
“I mean, yeah, it was okay,” Jaemin fiddled with his glass, wiping at the condensation, “I- It was hot.” He said dumbly.
“Do you think your friends will come to visit?” Renjun asked.
“Maybe? They might not want to, I guess. It’s a pretty long journey and I don’t know if we were all that close.” Jaemin stopped there, realising this left a lot unsaid.
The conversation paused for a moment and Jaemin wanted nothing more than to crawl inside himself and disappear.
“So, where are you staying, Jaemin? Renjun mentioned you were dorming this year.”
It was unusual for anyone but first years to dorm.
“Yeah, I’m in halls - in Northwick. It’s much nicer than my first year dorm, and no roommate is nice.”
“I was in Northwick last year!” Chenle chimes in, “The heating got really dodgy at the start of the second term though, I was freezing for half of January.”
“Oh yeah, Chenle ended up staying with us most nights a week,” Renjun replied. Right , the house, Jaemin thought to himself.
The house was a Victorian building spanning three floors that had six bedrooms, and a large open plan kitchen and dining room, with windows covering one wall. The garden had enough space for a few trees and flowerbeds, though it was mostly unattended, and a bench in one corner which faced the house.
Jaemin had been there a couple times before, Mark’s parents owned it, buying it from its previous owners back when Mark was 16. They figured he’d end up going to the local uni to play hockey, and well, they weren’t wrong. Mark had lived there in first year, the rest of their friend group was still in school, and during his second year he had some older students from the hockey team move in.
Jaemin thought about living alone last year and wondered how lonely his friend had been, living in that big old house at just 18.
The plan had been to live in the house together for the rest of university. Mark was planning on doing a masters anyway, meaning that at least the five oldest of them would all graduate together. Jaemin had kinda thrown a spanner in those plans, though it seemed as though it didn’t really impact them all that much. He’d only really screwed over himself.
“You should come over sometime, Jaem,” Mark offered, “we’re always doing weekend dinners and stuff.”
“And more than one party,” Chenle added.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Jaemin smiled, “If it’s not too much trouble, that is.”
The four he could clearly see all argued that it wasn’t a problem. But the quietness from the end of the table was deafening.
The waiter came back over to take their order, though some things didn't change.
Donghyuck went to stand up once the waiter had walked away, saying he needed the toilet. Jisung quickly jumped up to follow him, both of them pushing Jeno slightly to get him out of their way.
Jaemin couldn’t help but curse Jisung now that he was gone and the buffer between him and Jeno had been removed. He picked at his fingers on his lap.
People had always said Jeno and Jaemin were like magnets. Friends, teachers, even their parents had said it, strangers too would actually come up to them and comment on the way they moved in polarity.
Being this close to Jeno after so long felt like going against the largest magnetic pull he could imagine. He couldn’t just reach out to him, allow the magnets of their bodies to pull them together again, they weren’t together anymore.
Jaemin had tuned out of the conversation, but heard the chuckling of his friends around him. When Jisung and Donghyuck returned, Jisung pushed Jeno inwards, not letting him return to his original seat and instead squeeze into the booth beside Jaemin.
Jaemin felt like his whole body was vibrating in relief and panic, and he twitched as Jeno’s thigh pressed against his for a second. He could feel their friends watching them with heavy eyes, he watched as they talked but their gaze never left the pair for more than a few moments at a time.
Maybe they were trying to be subtle.
“It’s good to see you,” Jeno said softly, Jaemin turned to look at Jeno, who was already staring at him.
“Yes,” Jaemin murmured, “It’s good to see you too,” His eyes met Jeno’s as he spoke and he couldn’t look away. Jeno had a slight wrinkle in his forehead that Jaemin wanted to press his thumb into and wipe away. His eyes were hardened, brown eyes no longer seeming warm and welcoming, but tight and drawn.
This Jeno before him looked like his Jeno, sounded like him too, but he felt like a stranger.
“Jaemin, I-” Jeno paused, the word felt foreign on his lips. It felt foreign on Jaemin’s ears too, hearing his own name, his full name, coming from Jeno. No cute shortening or endearment, just ‘Jaemin’. Jeno spoke his name the way a stranger would, with no familiarity to the syllables that rolled off his tongue.
The waiter came back over with plates of food and the moment between them was lost. They remained next to each other for the rest of lunch but soon lunch was over and everyone had places to be. Jisung and Renjun were heading back to the library, Jeno, Mark, and Donghyuck to the gym. Chenle smiled at him and told him to come over to the house.
Chenle pushed the door open and grinned at Jaemin, grabbing his hand and pulling him inside. It was warm enough that Jaemin shrugged off his coat almost immediately. He wondered if Mark’s parents also paid the household bills, though between the six sets of parents of the students living there, there was certainly more than enough money for his friends to cover an expensive heating bill.
Jeno was on scholarship because of hockey. His parents were comfortable enough, but having the scholarship certainly made things easier, especially with the cost of playing hockey.
The layout of the house was as Jaemin remembered it but the decor has changed. The main hall was much more welcoming, shoes littered everywhere. Jaemin could tell who some pairs belonged to purely from the state they were left in; Jisung’s favourite trainers were about two foot apart, with the left shoe upside down over another pair of shoes that belonged to Renjun, a pair of white converses standing neatly side-by-side. His eyes were drawn to the white trainers he knew belonged to Jeno, the pair were next to each other, but the left foot was angled away at the heel from where he’d pulled it off. At least some things don’t change.
Chenle grabbed his hand once again and pulled him down the hallway and into the kitchen. It wasn’t tidy but it was not dirty either, there were some pots and plates in the sink, with more stuff on the side of the sink drying. He imagined Jeno doing the washing up and Jisung dumping more stuff in the sink just as he had finished.
Beyond the island counter was the dining table that could fit eight comfortably, and twelve if they squeezed together. Jaemin ran his hand along the cool marble countertop, his eyes drifted to the large sofa that faced the garden. He’d curled up on that sofa once before, at a house party that Mark and his previous housemates had thrown at the end of Jaemin’s first year. It was before Jaemin knew he was going to move and that in a few months he and Jeno would be broken up. But that night they’d wrapped around each other, slightly drunk, listening to the loud music in the room but whispering soft words in each other's ears that only they could hear.
“It must be weird being back, right?” Chenle asked, he plopped down on the sofa Jaemin had been staring at.
Jaemin took a big sigh, “Yeah it is, to be honest.” Chenle looked at him expectantly, so Jaemin joined him on the sofa and continued, “I really missed everyone while I was gone. I spent the whole time feeling so homesick and lonely, and yeah I made friends but it wasn’t the same. But, at the same time,” He paused for a second, sinking into the sofa cushion and swallowing, “At the same time, I felt like I was bothering everyone. Jen-Jeno and I broke up pretty soon after the move and every time I spoke to one of you I felt like I would be making it worse for him, and now I’m back and I feel like I don’t fit in anymore…” He trailed off, he looked at Chenle and shrank in embarrassment. He didn’t mean to spill all of that but he’d always had a comfortable relationship with the other that when he was asked, he couldn’t continue to conceal.
“I think,” Jaemin watched as Chenle thought of what to say next, “Look, you were gone for a year, Jaem, or nearly a year, whatever. But how long have we known each other? One year doesn’t eradicate a friendship, and we spoke plenty! I think it’s just gonna be awkward for a little while before things settle down again.”
There was a lull before Chenle continued.
“I also don’t think anyone’s purposefully being awkward, it just is that way. And it’s moreso because of you and Jeno no longer being together as opposed to us being awkward specifically with you. We saw how Jeno handled the break up, and actually maybe that’s another issue - no one could really be there for you, hyung.”
Jaemin felt a pit in his stomach. He shifted his gaze from Chenle back to the garden, watching as a robin landed on a snow laden branch.
“Hyung, it must’ve been hard for you, huh?” Jaemin nodded, his throat unable to cope with making a sound, “But you’re back now, and we’ll look after you too.” Chenle moved to wrap his arms around Jaemin and the two sat in a tight embrace.