Chapter Text
Our story begins, as it will end, with four fearless boys. The boys were known and loved by all as the Raccoon, quick on his feet and quicker to justice, Mysterion, immortal and brave, Tool Shed, with the ability to handle any tools, and Human Kite, agile and known for speed.
The boys had their differences, but eventually came together as one united alliance, and they called themselves Raccoon and Friends.
"What?" Kyle interrupted Cartman.
Cartman turned his attention to Kyle. "Christ, what is your problem now?"
Kenny raised his hand. Cartman rolled his eyes. "What, Kenny?"
Kenny said, "why is it called Raccoon and Friends?"
"Exactly!" Kyle backed Kenny up. He looked pissed off as usual. Cartman assumed he was probably on his period again. "Why can't it be called Mysterion and Friends? Mysterion is way cooler."
"Yeah!" Kenny agreed.
Cartman groaned in frustration. "Because I'm going to be the main character in my movies!"
"I want to be the main character," said Kenny.
"Mysterion, mysterious characters cannot be main characters," Cartman told him. "You get to be the cool side character all the edgy fans will worship, okay?"
"What about me?" Kyle demanded. Cartman made a mental note to remind Kyle to take some medicine for his menstruation cramps later. "Why can't I be the main character?"
"Because you have the lamest costume and the lamest name," Cartman told him. Kyle frowned and shut his mouth. He couldn't disagree there. "And Stan can't be the main character because who the fuck cares about tools over super strength?"
Cartman looked at Stan. He was sitting on the floor next to Kyle, his eyes glued to his phone. He hasn't said a word once since the boys all gathered for their usual superhero Saturday meetings in Cartman's often messy room. Stan just raised a finger at Cartman, flipping him off.
"Fuck you too, dick!"
Stan didn't reply. He leaned closer to Kyle while he continued texting. Stan was probably texting Wendy again, if his careless and emotionless expression said anything. They were on their third breakup this month. Cartman hated when Stan cared more about some bitch than their super important superhero meetings. If he kept this assholery up Cartman would have to replace Tool Shed with Craig. Craig was the only other kid in their class that looked close enough to Stan so fans wouldn't care when they changed actors.
"Stan," Cartman coughed loudly. "Stan!"
"What?" Stan snapped. He finally looked up from his phone. He looked furious.
"Who the fuck are you texting?" Cartman said. "This is an important meeting, dickhead, you are supposed to be paying attention!"
"I am paying attention!" Stan lied. "I'm just texting Wendy."
"Dude she said it was over," Kyle said. He sounded peeved. "Why do you keep bothering her? You should respect her wishes."
Stan protested, "I am respecting her wishes! She just-she just doesn't know what her wishes are. She'll forgive me if I keep apologizing to her."
"Dude," Kyle shook his head.
Cartman thought it was funny how Kyle had an obvious crush on Stan but Stan spent all his time constantly trying to get back with his ex girlfriend. God was a comedic genius. And it gave Cartman an absolutely brilliant idea. He cleared his throat dramatically. "Kyle, Stan, Kenny, you assholes better pay attention. I'm seriously, guys, my mom is forcing me to see one of her stupid old ass friends in an hour, so we have to rap this up."
Kyle, Stan, and Kenny gave Cartman their undivided attention. That was much more like it. "What our superhero story needs is a romantic subplot."
"A what?" Stan deadpanned.
"A romantic subplot!" Cartman repeated. Kyle and Stan looked unconvinced. Cartman would just have to convince them. "Think of it, every superhero movie-and every movie ever-has a super cheesy, overdramatic romantic subplot! People want the drama, the tension, and the making out scenes. That's what we need, a romantic subplot."
Stan's face lit up. "Oh, you're right! I never thought of asking Wendy to play superheroes with us!" he started typing on his phone again.
"No, Stan!" Cartman stopped him immediately. Stan stopped and looked up from his phone, confused. "We're not asking a lame ass girl to play superheroes."
"We're not?" Stan asked, not looking any less confused.
Kenny said, "I can be Princess Kenny again!" his response did not surprise Cartman. He was always trying to bring back Princess Kenny.
"No, Kenny. What fucking superheroes movie has princesses in it?"
"Oh," Kenny said sadly.
"Then where are we going to get our romantic subplot?" Kyle asked skeptically. This was amazing. Cartman was so happy he had this super amazing idea.
Cartman said, "we pair up Tool Shed with Human Kite."
Stan and Kyle turned beet red with embarrassment. Cartman wished he had a camera with him. He would take a picture of their stupid gay faces and put it in a gold frame and hang it on his wall forever.
"What?" Kyle sputtered. "Why?"
"Because! What else do people like more than they like romantic subplots?" Cartman asked. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny remained silent. Lord, did he really have to answer his own questions every god damn time? "Token gay characters! Hollywood loves token gay characters."
Stan looked hesitant. He refused to look Kyle in the eye. It was pure comedy gold. Cartman wanted to give himself a pat on the back for creating this genius idea. He really outdid himself this time. "I don't know, Cartman," Stan began carefully. "Do we really need-"
Cartman had to stop him right there. "Stan, do you know how much gay movies sell these days?"
Kyle crossed his arms and pouted. "We're not actually making any movies, fatass!"
"Movies or no movies, someone has to play the love interest, Kyle! And there's no way I'm letting stupid girls play superheroes with us. Would you two please just suck it up and kiss a couple of times? Jesus."
"Why does someone have to play the love interest?" Kyle demanded angrily. "We don't need any love interests!"
"You are so wrong it hurts, Kyle," Cartman sighed dramatically. "Every good story needs a cheap, thrown together love interest. And congratulations," he pointed at Kyle and Stan. "That is you guys!"
"Fine," Stan finally gave in,
Kyle sputtered in disbelief. "F-fine? What do you mean, fine!?"
"He's right," Stan reasoned with Kyle. Cartman felt proud hearing those words come out of Stan's mouth. "Every story I ever watched or read has a love interest. And-and it makes more sense for it to be Tool Shed and Human Kite, because they're closer than the other characters."
Stan carefully using the words 'Tool Shed and Human Kite' instead of 'us' didn't go unnoticed by Cartman. It didn't go unnoticed by Kyle, either, who looked saddened and confused by his words.
"Okay," Kyle grumbled, his arms still crossed. "What the fuck ever. I don't care." He sounded like he cared a lot. Cartman hoped his time of the month would be over soon.
"Then it is settled," Cartman said. "Glad we have all came to an agreement."
Kyle muttered something under his breath Cartman couldn't quite catch. Knowing Kyle he was probably throwing a stupid fit about the whole thing. Cartman needed Kyle to be a team player, not a mopey crybaby.
"We will start our new superhero adventure tomorrow!" Cartman declared. "As soon as I pick who our villain is going to be."