Chapter Text
For the first time in his many lives the Doctor was completely, totally and utterly stumped.
And that was refreshing, even though he didn’t always care for the feeling. He so loved being right.
But the thing about always being right, he had discovered, was the boredom. Being right all the time meant knowing lots of things, and knowing lots of things corresponded with being so terribly bored all the time.
So to be faced with something new was a tad exciting, no matter how it irritated him. Besides, he knew he would eventually defeat this problem and move on to the next. It was what he did. He enjoyed a good challenge anyway.
Ok, so he only liked extremely difficult problems that he could solve with minimal frustration and effort on his part. Especially if there was an audience to observe his cleverness, and especially if that audience consisted of Clara.
And this was where this particular problem became particularly problematic. This was why the Doctor had been having such difficulty with this puzzle, why it was new, and why it was so tedious.
The Doctor’s problem was so positively problematic because it was a Clara problem.
Clara, Clara, Clara. She had been the center of his thoughts for quite some time. In fact, she was more than that now; Clara was the center of his universe, the center of everything. Clara was the Doctor’s sun, and everything he did revolved around her. Even his many waking and few sleeping thoughts circled around her. They went round and round and always ended where they started, which was with Clara.
If this had been anything other than a Clara problem the Doctor would have barged in and forcibly solved this issue faster. He would’ve shouted and complained, maybe pushed and even prodded a little to speed the process up. He had so many other important things to attend to.
But this was a Clara problem, and so it was inexplicably more important than any of the problems he had ever encountered. And moreover, Clara wasn’t available to help him with this issue.
Well, he supposed she actually was there if he really needed her, but he hadn’t wanted to bother her. Or maybe he wasn’t quite ready to admit he needed help.
Although truthfully, he hadn’t wanted to recruit her this time because he was afraid to upset her. After a period of long reflection he fully realized that this new him — the gray-haired, slightly foul-mouth Scottish him — lacked social skills. Very terribly lacked social skills, and that could hurt Clara.
Bow-tie him hadn’t had this problem. Bow-tie picked up on social situations and acted accordingly so well. He supposed that was why everyone loved him then. He also supposed that had been why Clara reacted so negatively to his regeneration from Bow-tie to the Mr. Grumpy-Face he was now. At the time he had been hurt and hadn’t understood, but now he did. Not quite completely, but he had an idea, and that was enough.
And that was also why he was so hesitant to upset Clara now. He remembered too well the hurt and confusion on her face when he had transformed, even though that hadn’t been his fault. What he remembered even more vividly, as it had been etched onto both his hearts so deeply he doubted it would ever fade, was the look of hurt on her face during the moon incident.
He had to think long and hard about that one. He hadn’t understood for a very long while what he had done wrong. Had he done something wrong? He hadn’t thought so, but the look on Clara’s face told him differently. He had hurt Clara, her pain was definitely real, and he didn’t know how or why but he understood it was different from the regeneration thing. This time he had knowingly and willing done something, something he could have stopped but hadn’t. And that knowledge, when it hit him, made him hate himself more than he had ever thought possible.
He had somehow hurt Clara, and what was worse was he hadn’t known how to fix it, how to make it better, and he had hated himself even more for that. But then she came back.
She came back! Oh, his hearts had never soared so high. He hadn’t thought he could be so happy again.
But in addition to being very, very clever, he was also a bit of a masochist.
So he let her go again to be with Danny, because he loved her more than anything, and he had thought that best for her. He let her go and as he had held her in his arms that last time he was sure his hearts would never mend. But like she always did, Clara came back.
Clara had returned once more and the Doctor swore he wouldn’t let her go ever again, that he would protect her as the precious gem she was. They would never be parted, so long as that was what she wanted.
And it seemed that was what Clara wanted. She hadn’t left the TARDIS since the Christmas incident, even after he voluntarily returned her several times to her flat. He hadn’t wanted her to go, no, but he thought that was what she wanted. He had thought wrong, apparently, for both times she disappeared into the depths of the TARDIS and by the time he found her, was fast asleep.
He was beginning to think this was Clara’s way of telling him she was staying on board, and that made him extremely happy. He had secretly wanted that for so long.
Clara. His Clara, all to himself.
He had always imagined having Clara on the TARDIS full-time, so to speak, would be glorious. And it was, yes, but there was something off. His social skills might still be under-developed but his Clara skills were pretty accurate, and he could tell something was bothering her. What exactly that was he didn’t know, and that was worrying.
Bow-tie would have known how to sort this out but Scottish him didn’t, and was too proud to ask for help. But action had to be taken, soon. He couldn’t endure Clara being sad anymore. He just wanted her to be thoroughly happy here, as happy as he was with this new arrangement. But if that was to be achieved he had to be very careful and very tactful, and he was rubbish at both those things this time around.
So he had waited a long time and thought a lot about how to address this issue. He had gone over so many scenarios in his head but now that he was going to take action, couldn’t seem to remember any of them. So he was just going to dive right in, because Clara was wearing that sad smile again tonight.
The one she had been wearing too much. The one he didn’t care for.
Yes, he didn’t understand human emotions well anymore, but he did know Clara and knew she should be happy. He was sick of that sad smile, the smile she directed at him much of the time, and the look that accompanied it. He was tired of the little, sad sighs she breathed too often now. She was his Clara and he was her Doctor, and they were together on the TARDIS! Everyday should be a celebration, because the universe had brought them back together!
They were together again and Clara still wasn’t happy, which was a problem he didn’t know how to solve. He had tried almost everything. Almost, and tonight he was going to try the last thing he knew of.
Tonight he was going to ask Clara for help.
She had seemed particularly sad tonight. Why, he didn’t know, but he was going to find out. And as she sat across the console from him in the lounge the TARDIS had specially made for her with that sad smile on her face, the Doctor took one very deep breath, and joined her.
“Clara?” He asked tentatively as she sat opposite her, voice tender as he could muster.
Clara looked up from her book. “Yes?” she inquired, a slightly puzzled look on her very round face.
“I was wondering if you could help with something.”
“Of course.” She put down the book she had been reading and untucked her legs from under herself. The sad smile disappeared and was replaced with a concerned school-teacher look.
The Doctor felt what little confidence he had left pop and deflate in his chest like a balloon. “Er I was hoping,” he began to stutter, “ah, wondering was is like more it, if you could help me…” He trailed off and stared wide-eyed at the floor.
“Yes, Doctor,” she smiled. “You’ve established you want help. But what exactly do you want help with?”
He swallowed thickly. “Erm ah, well it’s complicated you see-- very tedious and delicate.”
“Yep, I’m all ears. Go on!”
“Well, I have this friend you see, and I’m worried about her. Them! Them I mean,” he added, and inwardly kicked himself for sounding stupid. He could make mistakes in front of Clara every now and then, though. She wouldn’t think any less of him.
“So there’s more than one friend. As in friends?”
“Er, sure. In a manner of speaking I suppose. There have been multiples of them scattered throughout time before, so yes you could say that.”
Clara laughed brightly, and the sound was music to his ears. He loved bringing a smile to her face and laughter to her lips. “Ok then, what’s the problem with this very special friend of yours?”
“Well, I think she’s sad, or upset at least, but I’m not sure you see, because I’ve recently come to understand to that my social skills aren’t exactly what one would call ‘top notch.’”
“Oh? And how exactly did you come to understand your lack of social skills?”
“From watching you, Clara!” He interjected, a slight wave of irritation welling inside him now. “How else?”
Clara’s face transformed into a definite look of shock. Or what he thought was shock. “Oh! I didn’t know you paid that much attention.”
“I pay attention to everything, Clara. Nothing escapes me.”
“Just whether or not this friend of yours is upset, yes?”
“Yes,” he huffed.
“What makes you think she’s upset?”
He was silent for a moment as he gathered his thoughts, and the proceeded. “She wears a sad smile a lot. And I know it’s a sad smile because she’s so usually unreservedly happy, so I know what that smile looks like. But this one, this one is different, and it’s sad.”
Clara began to frown. That was a frown, right?
“Ok, any other things this friend is doing that makes you believe they’re sad?”
“She’s much more hesitant I think,” he continued, furrowing his brow in concentration. “Everything she does she does as if it’s the last time. As if everything she knows and loves is going to come to an abrupt end, or it just died. And she shouldn’t behave that way, because everything is just beginning!” His voice began to rise as he started gesturing wildly with his hands.
“She shouldn’t act that way because everything is just beginning, just beginning to go her way! Our way! We are together and happy, and all is as it should be, and she should be just as unreservedly happy as she was before!”
Clara’s frown deepened, and then proceeded slowly. “Do you have any idea of why she behaves this way? Why she feels what you’ve just described?”
“I don’t know,” he started slowly. “I… “ He stuttered again, and then fell silent for a moment before continuing. “I think she sees something that she wants, and that something is nearly within her grasp, but she thinks she can’t quite have it. So I believe, now that I think about, she’s grieving for something she wants more than anything but feels she will never have. Like the most beautiful dream one could ever dream but can’t quite project from fantasy into reality.” He glanced upwards at her to study her reaction. His words had come out a bit more truthful and accurate than he had intended.
Clara was silent for a long while, the frown deepening on her face.
“This friend of yours, Doctor; do I know her?”
“You might.” He felt himself grow impatient.
“I didn’t think you had any other friends besides me,” Clara retorted, a bit of mischief in her eye.
“I’m 2000 years old, Clara. I’m bound to know at least one other person than you.”
“Yeah, but I’m the only one you bother with,” she quipped back, almost smugly.
“That’s not true. I have loads of friends.”
“Yeah, sure.” She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms with that smug smile on her face.
“I do!” He insisted, his impatience growing. “But you’re the most important, obviously.”
“Damn right I am.”
“Yes ma’am,” he returned, a little smirk now spreading across his face.
“So this friend—this friend that I know but don’t know, who is she?”
“But you do know her, Clara!” He yelled, his impatience and irritation growing. “She’s you!”
He felt the weight of his words soon as he dropped them, and they were heavy ones at that. They hit the floor with a huge, ominous thud.
Oops. That was something he should probably have said more carefully.
It took a minute for what he said to sink in. Clara’s face went from confused to shocked, to angry swiftly as a cloud covering the sun.
“Excuse me!?”
Well, he couldn’t take it back now. Might as well keep going. “She’s you, Clara! She’s you. Everything I’ve just described are things you’ve done!”
The look of anger on Clara’s face intensified. She sprang from her chair, fists balled at her sides. “You’re joking. No no no no you’re—I haven’t got a sad smile! I’m not grieving for something that I can’t have! That very idea is absurd, Doctor! Oh, you are very right about not having any social skills, because this, this is way off.” She circled around the lounge, ready to leave, but the Doctor blocked her exit.
“True, but I know when something’s off with you Clara, and it’s been off for a very long time! I’ve waited to see if the situation would sort itself out, I’ve tried to make you happy and everything else, but nothing works! And I wanted to be tactful and delicate about this matter, but as we both know I’m not good at that and I tried just, with your help even and it still backfired, so just tell me what is wrong! If you tell me what is wrong, then I can fix it!” His tone turned from harsh to pleading as he moved closer, his eyes becoming wide and imploring as she backed away.
“Please Clara, whatever it is that’s upsetting you, please just tell me. I’ll fix it. I’ll make it go away. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I’ve done or am doing, please just tell me and I’ll fix it—I can’t stand to have you unhappy again, not now, not after losing you several times and having you return, only to let you go again, because I promised myself I wouldn’t do that now, that I would keep you safe and happy and do only what you wanted, what was best for you.. Please, Clara!”
She stopped, stunned momentarily by the desperation in his voice. Did she really mean that much to him? She titled her head slightly as she blinked at him, sorting through all he just said.
“Clara please,” he continued more tenderly than she had ever heard him. “Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what’s keeping you from being as happy as you were before. Please tell me and I can fix it.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, really I don’t.” She really wished she did.
His impatience swelled again as he threw his hands in the air. “How can’t you! Ah, you humans and your complicated emotions, always getting in the way of things! Clara, please just help me out here. I’m trying to make you happy, I really am. I’m not good at it, but I’m trying.”
“I’m trying too Doctor, but I don’t know what you’re talking about, I really don’t!” She was getting frustrated now. He could be infuriating sometimes, big blue eyes aside.
“You haven’t been the same since Christmas! You haven’t been back to your flat since then, or returned to your human life, and I don’t know if that has anything to do with it—but you aren’t yourself anymore! You’re not as bright, or happy, or fiery, I don’t know how to describe it, but you’re like a deflated version of yourself! And I don’t like it. I want the Clara I know back.”
“I’m the same Clara as I always was!” She insisted.
“No, you’re not.” There was a twinge of sadness in his voice.
She sighed heavily and felt some of the anger seep from her chest. “Well, now that you mention it, I suppose I have been a bit depressed lately. It’s nothing you’ve done though,” she added quickly. “It’s just that, well… after Christmas I thought a lot… and yeah I haven’t been back to my flat, or my human life, my ‘normal’ life. I don’t see why I should go back to it.”
“Why don’t you want to go back to your human life— your normal life?”
“Isn’t it obvious doctor?” She snapped.
“Come again?”
“Normal life hasn’t exactly worked out for me, has it?”
“What about it hasn’t worked out well, Clara? You were doing well as a human.” He was genuinely confused.
“No, I wasn’t! I wasn’t because I was constantly being pulled between two worlds, Doctor! Constantly back and forth between Earth and, and,” she stuttered, mouth flapping, searching for what to say, “life with you, Doctor life, and it was exhausting!” All the words just spewed out of her mouth, faster than she knew what she was saying.
“I tried a normal life! I got a job, and you became entangled in it somehow. I had a boyfriend and you got in the middle of that as well, and now it doesn’t matter because he’s dead! Normal, human life isn’t working for me at all, Doctor, it hasn’t for a very long time! Everything I do, everything I build and create eventually blows up in my face, and all I’m left with then is you!”
“And I remember just as well as you what happened during Christmas, even though you probably are missing some things! Do you remember old Clara, doctor? DO YOU?”
“Yes, I remember!” He shouted, not sure where all her anger was coming from. This was not what he had expected.
“Yeah, well I do too, and a whole lot better than you! And you know what I remember? I remember a normal life that didn’t turn out so well for her! An old lady dying alone—never married, no kids, nothing—just alone! That’s not the life I want. If that’s a normal life, I refuse to participate. I refuse. I don’t want it.”
“You can’t just refuse to participate in life Clara, no matter if it’s a normal life or not—“
She abruptly cut him off, shouting over him. “But I already have! I have a life with you! Besides, whatever you think, I’m not normal, because normal is just another word for average, and in case it escapes you, I’m not average. I’m above average-- I’m exceptional! And I’m not downscaling myself anymore. I’m staying with you, end of discussion.” She stuck in index finger in face to prove her point, looking very much the school-teacher she was. Or had been. He wasn’t sure anymore.
“Then what’s the problem, Clara? You’ve been with me full time for a while now, so you have exactly what you want! So why are you sad then?”
“I haven’t ‘been’ with you doctor— I’ve been on board the TARDIS,” she snorted disgustedly and looked pointedly away.
“Oh?” He cried indignantly. “And what’s so bad about being with me?”
“Nothing!” She yelled even louder, “Because we’re not together! We work together perfectly, are perfectly compatible, but we will never be together!” Tears sprung into her eyes.
“Oh God oh God,” she babbled and began to sob, hands on her face as she sank down to the floor.
The Doctor’s hearts pounded in his chest as he rushed to her side, and for an instant he feared he had done something unfixable. He had never seen her break down like this before—he had seen scared, angry and upset, but nothing like this. He never meant to make her cry.
“Clara?” He knelt down beside her, hands awkwardly flapping about her, wanting to comfort her but unsure of how. “What’s the matter? Is this what’s been bothering you?”
“Apparently it has!” She snapped through sobs.
It took a moment for what she admitted to sink into his brain. This is definitely not what he expected.
He placed a feather-light hand on her shoulder. ”And when you say together…”
“I mean together together, Doctor! Isn’t it obvious? Don’t you remember what I said in that dream, what you said about Danny? None measuring up to him, except for one? An impossible man?”
“Yes, but that was a dream Clara—“
“You know just as well as anyone that all dreams are based on reality, and that dream was attempted to make reality as real as possible, so there was unfounded truth to that statement! But it doesn’t matter, because I know it can’t happen, because everything’s always so complicated with you isn’t it? All these rules, and regeneration, and living forever, and feeling too much, there’s no room for me in your life other than just a traveling partner is there?! So here I’m stuck with the only other person in all of time and space that I want to have the all normal bits of life with, AND I CAN’T HAVE THEM! And I’ll never have them!” She gave a final hoarse shout, and then burst into a new round of tears.
He stared at her, mouth agape, as this outed truth sank into his drain. She continued to weep, sobs racking her whole delicate frame.
He used his other hand to begin stroking her hair. It was so soft and shiny. ” Sssussh, Clara, everything’s ok… sssh ssshhh, it’s ok.”
“No! Everything is not ok!” She snapped, jerking her head up from her hands to glare at him. Her round amber eyes met his, and for a moment her sobs stopped. The world seemed to stand still, and all the revelations of what had been said slid into place for both them.
“Well, I guess we’ve found out what’s wrong now,” she huffed, drying her eyes.
“Yes, I believe we have.”
There was another moment of silence, and in that quiet both could nearly hear the other’s thoughts sift through the atmosphere.
“Is t-that,” he stuttered, “is that what you what? Us, together?” It never occurred to him Clara would ever want that.
Did that make him happy? Him and Clara together, together—forever? He hadn’t even dared to dream up something like that. The very thought seemed too good.
“I…” she stammered, just as tongue-tied as him. “I think so.” She gave a little breathy laugh and then continued. “It’s funny because I didn’t realize I wanted it until now. I mean, I had sorta thought about it before, but I also thought everything was fine. I didn’t realize I was acting differently.” She blushed and looked down.
“I definitely didn’t think this was what was bothering you,” he chuckled.
“Oh?” She laughed wearily. “What did you think it was?”
“I don’t know. An alien specter trapped in your bedroom keeping you awake all night with terrible night-visions?” He offered, small smile playing on his lips.
She returned the smile. “Always with the aliens.”
“Yes, always with the aliens.”
She smiled again at that—the sad smile again. He wanted that sad smile gone, forever; wanted to put an end to it more than any of the many evils he had seen through all times and space.
“Clara,” he started slowly, “if we do that, will you be happy? Will that fix this—“he gestured at her.
“Fix what?”
“That sad smile.”
“It might.”
They were both quiet for a time, momentarily very interested in the TARDIS’s interior decorating.
“Would you like that? Us, together together?” Clara asked.
The Doctor ran a hand roughly through his hair, suddenly shy and unsure. “Maybe. I don’t know. I do know having you stay on the TARDIS with me has made me happy. I used to think about it a lot,” He finally looked at her and smiled, embarrassed. “I wanted nothing more than to be with Clara all the time for a long time. “
“Yeah,” she breathed, and they both fell silent again.
“So Doctor, do you understand what you’re asking then? What I’m actually asking of you?” Clara scrutinized his face.
“I think so,” he muttered, chewing on a long finger.
“Explain it to me then.”
“You want all normal bits of life you would’ve had with Danny, only you want those bits with me and on the TARDIS?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t understand though. I thought you loved Danny. I thought you wanted a normal earth life.”
“I thought I did too, but it didn’t work well for me did it? And as for Danny, I did love him, but never the way he deserved. And it wouldn’t have mattered because I would’ve always gone off with you.”
She laughed a little then. “You’re really an idiot aren’t you Doctor?”
“What?” He asked, feelings slightly stung.
“All that time you were jealous of Danny, weren’t you?”
“Was not!”
“Yes you were.” Her face became triumphant again. “You were so jealous.”
He grumbled something in return. Oh, only Clara could call him out on such things. Only Clara could embarrass him.
“You were, you were jealous, and the best part was you didn’t realize Danny was supposed to be a distraction from you, did you?”
“Excuse me?” That was definitely news to him.
“Danny was a way for me to try and have a life outside of you. After the regeneration thing, you made it clear you and I were just… I dunno know— traveling partners. So I tried to distract myself from you, to move on, with Danny. You were jealous of your own distraction! You pushed me away, and then you got angry when I tried to move on.” Her face morphed into anger again.
“I didn’t try to push you away Clara! I just—well, I don’t know what I was thinking.” He frowned. Had he really pushed her away that time? He hadn’t thought so.
“Yeah, I’m starting to think that happens a lot with you.”
“More than I’d ever admit,” he snorted and they both chuckled.
“So,” she asked tentatively after a period of uncomfortable silence, “can we have that Doctor? A normal life between the two of us, together and on the TARDIS?”
“I don’t see why not. There will be altercations to this normal life you speak of, however. There are many things that will be different, and I hope you’re prepared for all of them Clara, because—“
She threw her hands in the air. “Shut-up Doctor! I have a very good idea of what having a ‘normal’ life with you will be like. I’m prepared. Traveling with you for this long has given me that. And don’t—“she went on, cutting him off with a grave look as he seemed ready to give a serious, long-winded speech. “And don’t go on about me ruining my life, or not knowing the consequences. I know full well what could happen, and all I have to say to you is that I’m perfectly capable of ruining my own life, thank you very much.”
He considered it for a moment, and then seemed satisfied. “Ok then.”
“Ok then,” she echoed back.
“So, where do we begin from here?” He asked, genuinely unsure. He had never been so unsure in his life, but that was what Clara did to him. Turned his whole universe upside down, and then became the center of a whole new world.
“I have no idea.”
“Me neither.”
She put a hand on his. “Well, that’s ok, because we’re both very clever. We will figure it out together.”
“Yes, together.” He glanced down at her hand on his. He liked that—the way it looked…the way it felt…
They both smiled at each. He stood and then helped her to her feet. She immediately threw her arms around his neck, and remained there for a time. He was shocked at first, unsure of what to do, but eventually wrapped his arms around her. Oh, that felt so good. She smelled nice; was so warm and alive in his arms. He didn’t want to let go.
Clara was the first to break away. “I’m glad we had this talk, Doctor.”
“Me too, Clara.”
She smiled at him, then planted a quick kiss on his cheek, happier than he had seen her for a while. It’s that unreserved happiness he had longed to see on her face. And that sad smile is gone from her now, all traces vanished. The old bit of spark is back in her eyes.
She gave a shy smile and with a quick goodnight, headed to the bathroom for her evening shower.
And as he watched her walk away, he became suddenly aware he didn’t quite know what he got himself into. But that was ok, in fact in was great, because he set out to do what he originally wanted, and that was to fix his Clara problem.
Yes, he had fixed the Clara problem, and even though the solution was a bit new and scary to him it made Clara unmeasurably happy. And if it made Clara happy, it had to be something worth doing.