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The Acting Grand Scribe’s death made the entirety of Sumeru heave a big, mournful sigh.
And that included the renowned architect of Sumeru, Kaveh.
It was long after Kaveh had moved out of Alhaitham’s house, finally finding stable ground and a reliable client he could always count on— he had his own house, his own creations… even after all the bickering and after he moved out, Kaveh had always waved to Alhaitham in the Akademiya, or on the street as he strolled around.
Never, did he think that he would move along just like that.
Kaveh, with an empty mind, trudged into Alhaitham’s place with sagging shoulders— he couldn’t believe it. He would never succumb to it, how the Acting Grand Scribe… was not here anymore…
His breathing was uneven as he rummaged through the drawers, under the bed, and in boxes as he searched for pictures of Alhaitham— lightning could be heard outside, the patter of the rain making the atmosphere heavy with sorrow.
Alhaitham had never really taken any pictures. He had thought it was a waste of time.
It broke his heart, speaking about him in the past tense… Kaveh had never got to spend the chance and say thank you, to say ‘ I love you so much’ to everything Alhaitham had done for him in the sea of ignorance and stubbornness, now… there was nothing. Kaveh’s hands threaded through his blonde hair in distress as he let out a desperate sigh. “Alhaitham…” His voice shook.
Kaveh went and burst out of the house, walking down the street that had nobody— it was almost empty— as the rain covered the sight of his tears rolling down his cheeks. Alhaitham would’ve been there to wipe his tears away.
He let out a small cry as he unlocked his house, his hair damp as he walked in, immediately grabbing a paintbrush and sitting down, taking in tubes of paint onto the corner of the canvas— he painted frantically, swabs of paint messily going out of bounds, until he could no longer think— those headphones, those teal eyes…
Yes, he had remembered Alhaitham.
He just hoped it would stay.
After a while, Kaveh stopped doing architecture.
What was the point in doing it if the person he would always show it to wasn’t there?
In the house he had built himself, one that he was very proud and boastful for, laid a canvas with a thick block of paper on the bottom canvas holder, his wooden oval art palette on the floor that was decorated with smudges and dots of gray, white, black, and different shades of teal and blue. The house was well decorated, but Kaveh seemed to have less and less interest in aesthetics. His body was now a meaningless carcass, with now not producing that much art and sculptures, he was turning into the person that before, never wanted to become.
Tighnari and Cyno had recently come to visit him, seeing the portraits of the Grand Scribe scattered across the floor.
Tighnari’s eyebrows furrowed. His ears twitched. “Kaveh… what’s all this?” He asked slowly, Cyno trailing behind him silently as he regarded the drawings on the floor. Kaveh set his brush down, turning to look at them.
“Tighnari, Cyno. What… brings you here?” Kaveh asked, voice small, as he brushed blonde bangs out of his red eyes. The General Mahamatra walked to the side of the fennec fox and picked up one of the papers, analyzing it. His serious eyes narrowed.
“No. We just wanted to see… how you were feeling.” Cyno’s words were hesitant, eyes on the paper. Tighnari nodded quickly.
“Especially since we haven’t seen any recent projects of yours on the Akademiya’s board.” Tighnari said, “Our apologies if we came here at an inconvenient time.”
Kaveh shook his head. “It’s fine.”
Cyno and Tighnari exchanged worried looks. He’s never this quiet.
Cyno chipped in. “Alh– the Acting Grand Scribe’s position is still vacant, so Tighnari has been in charge of receiving forms and letting people access archived files every once in a while.” He explained. “It is simple enough. Tighnari is flexible.”
“Have you fully gotten the position?”
Tighnari shook his head, tail wagging at the same time, “No, I’d rather just make it a small side part of my time, seeing that I am in charge of the Forest Rangers in Gandhara Ville and the Avidya Forest… I’m afraid Cyno is exaggerating sometimes.”
Kaveh’s eyes wandered back to his canvas. I don’t even know what they’re saying. He thought to himself. Their voices blurred into the background and Kaveh absentmindedly picked up his color palette.
“–Kaveh?” They asked. Kaveh’s head snapped to them.
“What?”
Cyno tilted his head. “We’ll get going now.”
Kaveh nodded. “Ah, sure. I’ll see you both.”
As the two walked out of his house, Kaveh turned back to his portrait– a smudge of black was in his painting brush, and it hovered over the paper.
Strong arms… that black t-shirt… huh. It was a black-t shirt, right?
Kaveh’s hand lowered down to his lap as he stared at the paper. He went down to his feet and picked up a piece of paper, seeing one of his many Alhaitham paintings— the lines were a bit blurry, but it would do, seeing that it confirmed it.
He was slightly worried that he was losing his memory, but in the back of his mind, he surely doubted it. Alhaitham was too important for him to forget.
Kaveh continued painting, the silence eerie throughout his house— he’d never thought he’d spend his days like this… not that it was a bad thing. Alhaitham was never a bad thing. Kaveh had thought the opposite back then— now all he was doing was painting him over and over.
His hair was a mess, unbraided… usually he would make Alhaitham braid it for him since he didn’t take the time to learn how to.
Usually, Alhaitham would be talking about how the aesthetics of his furniture he brought home were impractical.
Usually, Alhaitham would be there for him.
Laying in bed, he wished he would just disappear.
It was late at night, staring at his ceiling as the moonlight from outside showered into his bed, silky white sheets covering him, wrinkled from the tossing and turning.
The past few days, Cyno and Tighnari had tried to visit. Kaveh did not let them. He had shut the door on them and stared at the Alhaitham drawings he pinned on his wall, on the fridge… some were still on the floor. He was sick of being in his own home, his own designs and his own architecture— he had no soul or passion for it. There was no use.
Kaveh let out a heaving sigh and blew blonde hair out of his face, every time he closed his eyes he could see a blurred picture of Alhaitham… he didn’t wanna know what would happen if he fell asleep.
His eyelids were heavy, and his eyes strained to keep awake.
“To the archons.” He whispered.
Soon, Kaveh fell into a light slumber.
Kaveh didn’t know where he was.
The room was blinding, and it looked like he was surrounded by a bright white as endless and endless ground surrounded him.
He started to feel panic.
Kaveh looked around wildly, although there was not much to see, his heartbeat raced and his breathing picked up a pace as his red eyes darted around seemingly nothing. “Where the hell…” He trailed off.
He looked behind himself to see a familiar figure off into the distance… blurry, teal cape and black shirt…
Alhaitham?
Kaveh’s eyes widened, taking a step back, “Is that— Alhaitham?” He said incredulously.
Alhaitham, His mind said over and over again, Alhaitham, Alhaitham, Alhaitham…
Suddenly, his body turned and he ran forward, tears falling out of his dull eyes and he raced and raced to the Acting Grand Scribe, heart racing. His breath quickened and he cried, cried so much he had never felt as much emotion in so long ever since figured out that Alhaitham was gone, that he was not there anymore…
It felt endless. So endless. Kaveh ran and ran, but the long lengths of a blinding white felt like he was running in place— He got closer, yet… Alhaitham’s figure was still blurry. His hair merged in hazily with his headphones, and that black shirt merged in the teal cape on his back… his face was basically blank. Kaveh sprinted,
He was right there!
Kaveh cried out as he extended a hand out, reaching for Alhaitham in a frantic motion to feel him again—
Kaveh woke with a start.
He was back in his cursed room, silky white sheets, moonlight from outside showering into his room. His blonde hair was a bird’s nest. His face felt damp.
In front of him, pinned on the wall,
Was a blurred portrait of Alhaitham.
Sumeru was silent when he went out to get groceries. Kaveh felt like he was being watched.
He walked along the streets, not wearing his usual smile as he picked out from various vendors that sold fruits, grains, vegetables, and spices— he still managed to cook for himself, in which he was very grateful for. It reminded him of who he was before.
“Ah, Kaveh, I haven’t seen you in a while!” One of the vendors exclaimed to him as he examined a collection of flowers from all over the regions. Kaveh looked up to him.
With a weak smile, he said, “It’s nice to see you again, too.”
“What are you cooking today?”
I just want to get this done, Kaveh thought. “Fish with cream sauce.” He replied quickly. The vendor nodded as he picked up some mint, paid, and went along with his day, which was as usual, horrible.
It just felt like the world was gloomy now. Even though the sky was undeniably blue, free from patches or even a sliver of clouds, the sun’s rays beaming onto him, Kaveh couldn’t help it but not respond to the perfect weather outside.
He walked, and—
“Kaveh.” A voice said behind him.
The blonde turned around to see the General Mahamatra Cyno, adjusting his helmet as he walked to him. Kaveh tilted his head. “Cyno? What are you doing?”
“It’s not often I get a day off.” Cyno said. “I just wanted to ask if…” He faltered.
“What?”
Cyno frowned. “Nothing. Tighnari and I have been worried for you. I…” He trailed off again before venturing on, “Alhaitham was a good friend of mine. We had our differences, but we were good friends. I’m sure you feel the same. I’m sorry.”
Kaveh swallowed. “Yes… we were… good friends.” Kaveh said, trying to keep his voice steady. Cyno’s expression softened just a tiny bit.
You can’t just cry in front of the General Mahamatra.
“Have you—“ Kaveh hesitated, “Accepted it?”
“Death is inevitable.” Cyno stated, eyes wistful, “You cannot avoid it. It was difficult, but I have come to terms with it. I hope you do too.” He finished, and he nodded to Kaveh before walking past him. Kaveh stood there, still.
The plastic of his bag ruffled in the wind. Kaveh’s hand tightened on it.
He made his way home, waving to a few people on the street as he took out his keys from his pocket—
“Seriously, Alhaitham?! Why do you always have to take my keys whenever you go out?” Kaveh had argued.
Alhaitham shrugged. “I picked up the first one I see.”
“Which is seemingly mine suspiciously often?”
“Yes, Kaveh. You always seem to place your keys in a certain spot that used to be mine.”
“How about you check it before you put it into your pocket?” Kaveh shot.
“I think not. I’m too busy to think about those things.”
Kaveh twisted the key into the knob and went in, placing the bags on the table as he went to the fridge, being met with a drawing of Alhaitham. It was blurred. A tiny heart was in the corner of the page. The blonde stared at it, examining the hazy details, and he balled his fists.
He would not forget Alhaitham.
He prayed he wouldn’t.
Kaveh stocked up his fridge with goods and goes into his room, being met with a canvas that had an unfinished drawing of the Grand Scribe on it— he had stopped, wondering if there was gold on his black t-shirt. He picked up his brush, dabbed it in a gold paint, and began hesitantly making lines against black.
He had never really known the cause of Alhaitham’s death. Some people say he got into an accident, some people say he was murdered, but it didn’t change the fact that he was gone.
When he had first found out, Kaveh couldn’t believe it. He had stepped away from his blueprints and sat down with a thud on his bed. The whole entirety of Sumeru was shocked, angered, and saddened.
He made gray swoops, making Alhaitham’s hair as he stretched his neck— oh, how he longed for him to be back.
All that arguing, bickering, shouting to Alhaitham he regretted. Kaveh wished he would’ve just kept his mouth shut at the most insignificant things. He wished he would’ve spent less time doing that and more time thanking Alhaitham, telling Alhaitham, “ I love you” and whispering sweet nothings into his ear…
Now, he couldn’t do that.
…
Kaveh finishes his portrait, he had never really been counting on how much he made but he knew it was a lot. He ripped off the top of the paper and placed it on his desk, the surface scattered and decorated with old blueprints, quills, and other portraits.
“How do you work in this environment? With all of these unnecessary things on your desk… do you not feel the urge to clean it all up?”
“I think it’s a deep meaning of how hard I’ve been working, Haitham.”
“Well, I think it’s a nuisance and needs cleaning up. Use your brain, Kaveh.”
“I always am!”
“Just not enough.”
He laughed to himself, and then realized— it seemed like he was hysterical. Kaveh is not hysterical, or crazy.
He laughed again, exhaling in and out as he then crashed onto his bed.
Blonde hair was plastered all over his face as tears welled into his dull, red eyes. How could people just move along with their day as if the world wasn’t slowly falling apart? Tighnari and Cyno didn’t seem affected. Kaveh didn’t get it.
Tears rolled down his face as he smiled weakly.
Oh, Alhaitham… He imagined Alhaitham being here.
Kaveh is hysterical.
Collei had knocked on his door and invited him to dinner at Tighnari’s place. Seeing that Kaveh didn’t really have a choice, he accepted.
Trying to braid his hair, he groaned in frustration as he gave up— he didn’t know how to braid it, so in the end, he had just brushed it and wore his familiar attire as he made his way to Gandhara Ville.
Even though the night was coming, the forest was lush, green, and full of life as he spotted Tighnari on the bridge, a parrot on his arm. Kaveh walked up to him. “Hi,” He said.
Tighnari’s ears twitched and he turned, a slight smile on his face. “Ah, Kaveh! You’re here. Is everything going okay?”
Before Kaveh could respond, Collei shouted to them, “Kaveeh! You’re here! Come, the food is piping hot!”
The botanist sighed with a smile on his face as the parrot flew away. He nodded to Kaveh. “Come on in.”
He saw Cyno with a deck of cards at the dinner table, seemingly examining them as Tighnari went in and sat next to him with a roll of his eyes. Collei and Kaveh sat, too. “We already don’t need your jokes at the dinner table, even less your TCG deck. We’re eating with a guest.”
Kaveh smiled weakly.
Cyno looked up at him— it was a bit foreign to see him without his helmet. “Ah, right. Sure. What’s the dish today?”
“Collei made it,” Tighnari responded, and Collei seemed to flush in embarrassment, “Pita Pockets, but it has cauliflower and a bit more vegetables in it.”
A silence came through the table. Kaveh was completely still.
“Cauliflower, you say?” Cyno smirked. “Like, Collei-flower. Ha-ha…”
Nobody spoke.
Tighnari face palmed himself, “Oh, to the archons, Cyno…”
As they ate their food, Kaveh paid no attention to their chatting and he didn’t see them wear those worried expressions on their faces. He absentmindedly ate his food, imagining those headphones…
“—Kaveh?” Tighnari’s voice snapped him out of it, and he looked up from his plate— all three of them were staring at him. “We were meaning to ask… is everything going alright?”
Collei nodded. “I was pretty hesitant knocking on your door…”
Cyno kept quiet. Kaveh set down his utensils. “I— I’m fine. Just… Haitham, and everything.” His voice drowned out and got quiet, and it was becoming hard to keep eye contact with any of them. Cyno and Tighnari exchanged looks of sorrow as Collei awkwardly took another bite of her Pita pocket.
“I know, Kaveh, it is definitely difficult. But you need to move on and realize that this day would someday come.” Tighnari said to him. Kaveh’s eyebrows furrowed.
“You cannot avoid it. It was difficult, but I have come to terms with it. I hope you do too.” Cyno had spoken to him on the street.
How can I move on? How can I come to terms with it if I can’t get him out of my damn head? Kaveh thought bitterly. Collei cleared her throat,
“Losing someone is hard!… I know that. It hurts…” She trailed off, “You can’t forget, but you could move along.”
Kaveh’s hand went into his lap and tears lined his eyes. “I—“ His throat constricted. “I just… can’t. I’m sorry.” He whispered, and he lowered his head.
Cyno sighed. Tighnari frowned. Collei clutched at her heart.
“Ever since it hit me I kept making portraits… endless drawings and portraits… I lost my passion for architecture, my memory of him is fading, and I can’t do anything about it, damn it…” Kaveh mumbled. “I’m so sorry. I’m making this all so awkward for you all…”
“So what?” Cyno broke the silence, “It’s fine.”
Silence washed through.
Kaveh wiped his face frantically. “Thank you— for inviting me. I’ll get going.”
Tighnari’s eyes widened. “Huh? Kaveh, hold on—“
Kaveh got up and walked out, Collei calling out to him— her voice got quieter, and quieter, until he couldn’t hear her.
The forest was lush, green, and full of life.
There was nobody out on the streets. Stands had closed for the night.
It felt like he was holding in a breath and tears as he made his way back home, trudging into his bedroom and standing still at the door frame— portraits and portraits of Alhaitham stretched out across the floor, pinned around his walls, on his desk, everywhere. Kaveh couldn’t simply let go.
He couldn’t just let go,
He would never, ever, let go.
“Shit,” He whispered. The blonde finally let tears fall and he dropped to the floor, burying his face in his hands that were stained in paint. He cried… oh, Alhaitham…
“I can’t.” Kaveh’s voice was muffled, and he wiped his face, but there was no use. “Ah, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…” He cried. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale…
It felt like he was disappearing, all life drained out of him. Kaveh couldn’t believe it. His tears kept falling, his eyesight blurred by them as he tried stabilizing himself. The paint smudged from the dampness of his face as he got up and snatched the paintbrush and began desperately painting, from one color to another.
A cry escaped him as he shook his head– Were his eyes teal? Why is he so unfamiliar? Why is everything so blurry?
Another swipe of paint. Kaveh let out labored breaths.
Was it that shade of green exactly? Why couldn’t he just think?
My head is spinning. Kaveh thought in the distance. He blinked rapidly as his hands trembled, tears falling down onto the palette on his lap, mixing in with the colors.
Think, Kaveh. Think, think, think! Why is it so blurry!?
Why are you like this?
Kaveh was so close to just punching the canvas and ripping it out of his sight, because he hated it!
Why was Alhaitham so blurry?
He was met with a portrait of Alhaitham, but it was so blurry all he could see was splashes of color.
“Archons.” Kaveh whispered faintly. “What the hell happened?”
He took it off the canvas and stared at it with slowing breaths, swallowing as he looked at it.
Surrounded by portraits of Alhaitham, each one progressively losing detail until it was no longer recognizable, even to him. Kaveh couldn’t believe it.
Those were exactly his thoughts when Alhaitham had died.
Look at what you’ve done.
The palace of Alcazarzaray, to Kaveh, was considered to be his magnum opus, his greatest work, the place where his dreams were built and created.
Now, it will be the place where he falls.
Kaveh’s dull eyes stared up at the ceiling, then he sat upright, seeing the last portrait of Alhaitham he made just a few hours ago– hazy, like he was almost blind when he saw it. Looking over to the canvas, the blonde took in a deep breath, then a shaky exhale out, as he got up and grabbed the paintbrush for the final time, taking a swab of black and writing on the last few pieces of paper in bold letters,
‘ The Former Renowned Architect of Sumeru, KAVEH’
Kaveh smiled weakly as he turned away from the canvas and focused on the blurry portrait, brushing a hand over it as he took it.
He went into the bathroom, opening the wooden cabinets and rummaging around quickly, not even trying to think as he took the pill bottle that had the most in it. The blonde stared at it.
‘TAKE ONE PILL PER DAY’
He smiled.
Kaveh took it then left his house. The house that he had built and designed. All of it had remnants of Alhaitham. Kaveh didn’t want to remember Alhaitham by a portrait. He wanted to see him, talk with him…
The stars glittered bittersweetly in the dark of the sky, although still cloudy, they still managed to pop out. Kaveh couldn’t believe he was going to do this.
But, it was fine.
Because he would get to see Alhaitham. And because Alhaitham would be happy to see him.
He made it to the Palace of Alcazarzaray down the path where the purple flowers at the front bloomed. The architectural design made Kaveh sigh as he made his way— since it was still night, nobody was near or in the palace, only hearing the rush of water.
Kaveh looked at the fountain at the center before he went up and slipped inside the entrance, where it was eerie, unsettling as his shoes tapped against the ground, making it echo. The ceiling was high. The center had a circular pattern, marking a singular illustration of mora in the middle— above that was an elegant chandelier, glowing brightly with candles and gold glinting in the light.
The design was breathtaking.
Kaveh swallowed as he took a final look at Alhaitham— blurry, unrecognizable, his eyes swirled out, splashes of color merging in to make the one painting that he deemed was the Grand Scribe. He laughed quietly to himself, and he shook his head.
Oh, Alhaitham…
His small sobs echoed throughout the palace. He shakily took out the bottle and inhaled, exhaling, clutching it…
The architecture is one of its own. Kaveh thought distantly.
Kaveh uncapped the bottle and shook out some pills onto his hand, and he stared at it with wide eyes, a ring in his ears even though he had not even started to swallow them— his head slightly swam.
Ah… he’s getting farther, and farther away!…
Kaveh took a deep breath. His hand went up, his head raising up slightly as he took in the pills, feeling it in his throat, with no unusual effects.
Alhaitham.
His hands felt weak as he dropped to the floor. Gasping, feeling like his mouth was full of liquid, dripping and soggy as he coughed and coughed. Everything started to feel unreal. His feeble hands slammed onto the marble floor, embedded with designs— they swirled, swirled and swirled with different colors that changed and morphed into different shades… a ring in his ears. His eyes watered. His whole body felt like floating off, way high, higher…
Kaveh had the strongest urge to laugh, his mouth watery. He swiped blonde hair out of his face. His head swam, dizzy as he gasped again.
Archons, archons, archons…
His vision got dark. He coughed, and swallowed liquid. In the corner of his eye—
Was the blurry Alhaitham portrait.
His vision showed colors for a split second, pupils dilated, wide.
Ah…
It got darker, and darker, and darker…
Oh, how lovely the architecture design is…
“…Kaveh… Kaveh. Kaveh—!”
His vision was obscured as he opened his eyes. A light room. Blinding, almost. Kaveh tiredly squinted.
Huh?
“Alhaitham?” Kaveh’s eyes widened.
The Grand Scribe stood silent. He was no longer blurry— those familiar strands of hair, all in its right place, the gold in his black shirt, his cape, his teal, intelligent eyes… Kaveh couldn’t believe it. He was no longer blurry.
Kaveh cried out, smiling as sat up and he wrapped his hands around Alhaitham—
“It’s you, it’s really you, Haitham…” Kaveh breathed. Alhaitham’s eyes were wide. “Oh… Alhaitham…” He mumbled in a daze, in the bright room, it was just them.
Alhaitham spoke,
“Kaveh.”
Kaveh pulled away from the long hug, smiling so brightly it was like a good opponent to the blinding room they were in. “I can’t—“ He choked, “I can’t believe it. You’re here, I’m here, and—“
“Kaveh. Please.” Alhaitham murmured, head lowered. Kaveh stopped. His smile melted. “Why have you done this?”
Kaveh frowned and tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
Alhaitham crossed his arms, his expression stone cold— but, there was a crack in the mask. “Why did you—“
“Wasn’t this a good thing?” Kaveh asked with glistening eyes. Alhaitham stared at him in disbelief, adjusting himself to be sitting on the ground.
“Kaveh, no—“
“But look, Haitham I get to see you again. I made a lot of portraits of you…”
“Kaveh—“
“You know, I never really forgot about you, so this was—“
“Kaveh, stop! Do you even know what you’re saying right now!?” Alhaitham yelled, shaking Kaveh’s shoulders so he rocked back and forth. The blonde was ultimately stunned.
“Alhaitham, you— you don’t think this is a good thing? Well I think it is. See, I get to see you again.” Kaveh whispered lovingly.
Alhaitham shook his head in distress, “Listen to me. Kaveh. Do you realize—“
“I don’t wanna realize anything, Alhaitham!” Kaveh cried out.
For the first time, the Grand Scribe’s eyes watered.
“You’re dead, Kaveh. Look at what you’ve done.”
Kaveh shook his head quickly, his hands around Alhaitham’s torso, “But it’s fine, because—“
“You’re being so impractical, stop it Kaveh!”
His voice seemed to echo in Kaveh’s mind? saying it over, and over, and over again like a chant… Kaveh’s eyes filled with tears.
“What?”
“Kaveh, look at yourself.” Alhaitham urged weakly, his stone-cold facade breaking under the pressure. The blonde narrowed his eyes—
“Now I don’t get what you’re saying. So—… you don’t want me to—“
“I don’t mean that. At all. But you… you just went and did that? What about Cyno? Tighnari? Collei?” Alhaitham asked quickly, bringing the reality to him, and Kaveh became one with the silence.
“You just did that, and…” Alhaitham whispered,
“I watched it.”
Kaveh’s world felt like it shattered into a million pieces.
…
“What?”
Alhaitham shook his head, and Kaveh didn’t know if it was disappointment or something else as he hugged Kaveh, “Why would you do that, Kaveh…” He murmured, hair falling over his face. Kaveh’s breath hitched.
“Because I got—“ His voice broke, “I got tired of not remembering your face and seeing all of those portraits—“
“You don’t know what you’ve done, haven’t you.”
Kaveh cried, “I don’t get it. Alhaitham, I just wanted to be with you. To see your face again. Don’t you miss me?”
Alhaitham swallowed, “I do, Kaveh. I do.”
“So what’s with all of this?”
…
“Exactly.” Kaveh said quietly. “So… now that I’m here… let’s have a nice time.”
They both stared into each other's eyes.
Alhaitham was no longer blurry.
“…Alright.”
But at the cost of a life, he took his own.