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Jack walked out to the living room, patting his hair dry after a hot shower. He’d spent the morning tending to his weed plants out back. Jack hadn’t bathed in almost a week and it had gotten to the point that even for him it was a bit much. Izzy and Jack had had plenty of sweaty, dirty fucking the past few days anyway. What Izzy didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
He dropped the towel when he was greeted by a sight that never became less disturbing.
Pietro was sitting on the couch. He had not been there when Izzy left to have brunch with Ed. Izzy had put him back in his designated spot on the shelf before he’d taken off.
Goddamn, Jack hated when Izzy's cursed fuck of a clown doll moved around.
I know what you did, Jack. And I'm not a fuck. You're the fuck up here, bub.
"Get the hell outta my head, Pietro. You don't know shit!”
You know Izzy's going to be very upset if he finds out. It would really hurt his feelings. He’s had a hard week and it would’ve helped him a lot if he’d come home to you nastier than when he left. You really want to hurt my Izzy and I don’t like that. And remember what else you did this week?
Jack thought for a moment. Oh, fuck.
Izzy knows exactly how many pairs of emotional support undies he has. And now he’s down one. How do you think he’s going to react to that?
“They completely split down the crotch and the waistband snapped. Couldn’t even wear them anymore! Izzy needs ‘em worn to get my musk.”
Jack could’ve sworn Pietro shook his head.
That doesn’t matter to him. He’s going to panic when he finds out they’re gone. Don’t you remember the last time you threw a pair away?
Jack frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. “Didn’t speak to me for a whole ass week.”
Exactly. First you tossed a pair and then you washed your stink off? It’s my duty to protect Izzy and make him aware when he’s been wronged. You’ve left me no choice you dumbass.
Jack gasped. "You wouldn't!"
I will. You know I make good on my threats.
Jack got on his knees and scooted towards Pietro. He put his hands up as if in prayer. "Please don't tell him! I don’t want to break my baby’s heart!’"
Well… I won't tell him if you do something for me.
Jack nodded so hard his neck cracked. "I'll do anything if you don't tell Izzy."
He didn’t think his eyes were playing tricks on him when Pietro smirked even wider than usual. If someone had asked him if he’d be blackmailed by a clown doll he’d have laughed his ass off. But he’d learned the hard way that Pietro did, indeed, have it in him to punish Jack for his missteps.
Guess a trip to the mall was in order.
***
As soon as Izzy got home, Jack herded him towards the truck. He had Pietro in one hand, baby wrap in the other. Sometimes Pietro put it in Izzy and Jack’s head that he needed to join them on their outings. Jack knew the consequences if he said no. He’d been nicked by Pietro’s switchblade in the middle of the night before. Pietro would never do that to Izzy, of course. But it had taken a little more of Pietro’s power of persuasion to get rid of Izzy’s self-consciousness about taking the clown with him places.
“Where the fuck are the three of us going, Jack? Thought we were gonna have a Kitchen Nightmares marathon,” Izzy grumbled as he got into the truck.
Jack buckled Pietro into the center seat before getting in. He turned to look at Izzy and smiled. "Thought we could head to the mall and getcha a new machete after your old one broke. Been sleeping worse than usual."
“I do miss having it for protection. S’pose it could be part of why my sleep’s been shittier than usual. Had that thing ever since our Hornigold days. How the fuck you managed to break it clean off and destroy the handle is beyond me.”
“Sorry ‘bout that, baby. I really don’t even know myself. Too trashed that night to remember.”
Izzy huffed. “Next time you and Bonnet get drunk and high you better stay the fuck away from my things.”
I had to do what I had to do to keep Izzy safe that night. You sleep so hard you never would’ve seen it coming either. You're welcome, by the way.
Jack shuddered. Pietro never told him what happened, but he had a feeling that the clown may have killed a man. Jack wouldn’t be surprised if he was buried back in the woods.
He hated having to take the fall for Pietro, but he had no choice. Izzy’s lack of imagination made it impossible for him to grow aware of the clown doll’s powers. Jack wished he could blackmail Pietro in return, but that would never happen. Pietro was always safe from consequences. As long as Pietro was still in their lives, he would always have power over Jack.
At least Izzy had a guardian of sorts for things that Jack couldn’t protect him from. Even if it was in the shape of a cursed clown doll straight from a haunted cemetery.
***
Jack and Izzy held hands as they walked into the mall. Izzy had initiated it this time, which wasn’t often the case. Jack loved when Izzy showed affection like this when they were out and about. It made up for having Pietro strapped to his fucking chest. Pietro made sure that Izzy was blissfully unaware of all the staring and judgment that came their way when he tagged along. He did not extend that same courtesy to Jack, who always felt people’s eyes on him. Jack felt like a tool carrying a clown doll around like precious cargo, but Pietro would settle for no less than a baby wrap.
Oh get over it. Someone like you has no shame and you don’t need to start acting like you’re capable of having it now.
“Wish you’d just shut up,” Jack mumbled under his breath.
Izzy gave him the side-eye. “The hell’d you just say?”
“Wasn’t directed at you, doll, promise. Now c’mon, let’s get your sexy flat ass a new weapon.”
Izzy led them into the store. The wall behind the counter had a wide variety of weapons: knives of all kinds, samurai swords, and machetes. The rest of the store was eclectic. There wasn’t much of a theme to it, and Jack was confident every mall had a place like this. Incense, crystals, tie dye shirts, blankets with Bob Marley on them, wolf statues, seashell necklaces, a wide variety of offensive bumper stickers, et cetera. Jack knew it was one of Izzy’s favorite places to browse. When he bought something, it was usually some knick-knack for Ed. Jack liked it because every knife he’d ever gotten from there held up well and it was half the cost of the fancier places. And maybe he bought a button up flame shirt once for his Guy Fieri cosplay. And maybe Izzy fucked him when he wore it.
Instead of taking the time to peruse, Izzy led them directly to the counter. Roach was standing behind it, looking bored. He had a lit cigarillo in his mouth and was playing a game of pinfinger. Roach must’ve had something on someone so he could get away with smoking.
“Roach! Glad you’re manning the station today! See Izzy, we came on the perfect day. We’ve got a real expert here.”
Roach stabbed the counter next to his hand and left the knife stuck in the wood. He looked up and grinned. “Hey guys! Whatcha looking for? Need some of that special cream for your leg, Izzy?”
Izzy drummed his fingers on the countertop. He focused his attention on the weaponry. “That won’t be necessary. Still have plenty, thanks. We’re here looking for a new machete. Bonnet and jackass here broke mine.”
“Well lucky for you my machetes are great quality.”
Izzy pointed at one with a beautiful green handle. It was gorgeous and was exactly what he wanted. “I’d like to look at that one.”
“Can’t have that one Izzy. Stede bought it this morning but asked me to bring it with when I cook for him and Ed tonight.”
Izzy frowned. “Stupid fuckin’ Stede Bonnet.”
Jack squeezed Izzy’s hand. “It’s alright, doll. Look at the one next to it. Not as pretty but it’s a close second.”
The other machete had a sleek black handle. A bit boring, but still very nice.
“You’re right Jack. It’s a nice one. I’d like a better look at it.”
Roach pulled it off of the wall and waved it around before putting it on the counter. Izzy ran his fingers along the handle and the flat of the blade. He was right; it was good quality. He was pretty confident it could protect him in case they had an intruder break in. He had to admit that Jack was right. It would probably help him sleep better at night knowing it was readily accessible.
“You could take someone to the brink of death with this. I wouldn’t go all the way but you could. That little man there would make sure you didn’t get caught,” Roach pointed at Pietro.
Jack shrugged. “He’d probably sell me out to the cops. Then he’d have Izzy all to himself. I’m sure he’d prefer that but he’s stuck with me.”
Izzy shook his head. “I don’t know what it is with you people and Pietro. He’s just a doll.”
“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that Izzy.”
Show us how well it works. I need something reliable.
“Sure little dude, I can take you out back and show you how good of quality it is,” Roach said, blowing smoke in Jack and Izzy’s face.
“We’ll go outside, as long as you don’t plan on maiming us,” Izzy said.
Roach shook his head. “Nah. I’m trying to make a sale. And you being maimed won’t make that happen. Unless you’ve got someone else in mind. Because this thing can cut through flesh like butter.”
“Except for a few one off customers at work, no one’s on my ‘to kill’ list at the moment,” Izzy replied.
Roach led Jack and Izzy outside towards the dumpsters. There was a barrel nearby that had a large watermelon on top. Roach walked towards it and ushered them to join him.
“The fuck do you have a watermelon out here?” Izzy asked.
“For demonstrations,” Roach said.
Roach pushed the barrel away from the building. With a scream, Roach brought down the machete, slicing the melon clean in half.
Izzy and Jack watched as Roach set down the machete and grabbed a handful of watermelon. He brought the fruit up to his face and squeezed it, juice running down his fingers. He looked over at the pair with a wild look in his eyes. “Imagine that’s your enemy’s guts.”
Jack gave a thumbs up. “Shit, we’re sold! Right Iz?”
“Is there a warranty? In case the handle breaks?” Izzy asked.
It needs to hold up to anything. And I mean anything. No warranty, no sale.
Roach dumped the watermelon puree on the ground and wiped his hands on his apron. He nodded at Pietro. “It won’t break. But yeah, just for you I’ll give you a lifetime warranty.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal, Roach.”
***
When it was time for bed, Izzy put his brand new machete under the bed with the handle sticking out. That was where his previous ones always lived; that way, if an intruder came Izzy could grab it and defend himself immediately. Izzy could already tell he was more relaxed now that he had a weapon at his disposal again. A nice one at that!
Within seconds, Izzy was passed out in Jack’s arms. Jack was relieved that Izzy was finally about to have a good night’s sleep. He looked over at Pietro, who was sitting on the shelf. Izzy had chosen to have his little Cracker Barrel swallow join them that night instead. He figured that Pietro received plenty of attention that day. Jack couldn’t agree more.
“Am I off the hook now?” Jack whispered, quiet enough not to wake Izzy.
Your transgressions are forgiven. And I can assure you that Izzy will have no idea that you threw out a pair of his emotional support underwear. But don’t you ever do that to him again, you understand? I won’t be so nice next time.
“I hear ya loud and clear, boss.”