Work Text:
Hazal exhaled, her breath creating a cloud that briefly obscured her view thanks to the chilly winter air. Nevertheless, she remained determined, placing one foot before the other.
One step. Two steps.
She drew closer to her destination.
The walk was quiet. The city lay silent, wrapped in a slumber so profound that it felt eerie. So unlike other nights, yet it chose this night to be like this. Hazal couldn't help but wonder if her mind was playing tricks on her, or if some divine force had granted her this moment of calm.
Yet, despite the stillness, the city was far from being dead. The quiet was occasionally interrupted by the sound of a car passing in the distance and the leaves crunched beneath her boots with every stride.
As she made her way through the deserted streets, the dim light from street lamps and the occasional lit window served as her guide. Some of them flickered, and some of them didn’t work at all. But combined with the warm glow coming from the lit windows she sometimes also came across, it was more than enough to light her way and she appreciated the sense of peacefulness and tranquility it brought.
Hazal turns a corner, the sudden crunch of fresh snow almost highlighting the moment she found what she was looking for.
A lone phone booth just sitting there by the street.
It makes her gulp and she finally feels the frosty air send chills down her spine and she bundles up her coat and scarf tighter for warmth, crossing her arms after for additional warmth.
Despite the biting cold, she approached the booth and stood in front of it, staring at it for several minutes. An unease grew inside her, gnawing at her gut.
Was this really worth it?
No. She thought to herself.
That was the wrong question. Hazal knew, because when it came to Tala, everything was worth it. All the pain, all the uncertainty, all the struggles. It was all worth it.
The real question was if Hazal herself was worth it. She knew that she too came with a lot of pain. A lot of struggles. She questioned if it was fair to bring Tala into that.
If Hazal was being honest, even she didn’t think she was worth it.
Her heart tightened in her chest at that realization.
Perhaps Tala would be better off without her. Perhaps she didn't deserve someone as wonderful as Tala.
Just as she was about to turn away, she heard giggling and laughing from a window nearby. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop but she couldn’t help but listen in on them and soon she finds herself drawn to the sound. As she gazed past the foggy glass, she found herself drawn to the warmth and happiness she saw inside.
“Happy birthday!”
“You remembered! What did you get me?”
“Guess you’ll have to find out!”
Ah. The pain sears through Hazal’s entire being like a hot iron rod being placed directly on her heart. She remembers that Tala’s birthday is also coming up soon.
The realization that she wouldn’t be there to celebrate it with her nearly makes her choke back a sob.
She could no longer listen to the conversation, she had already figured that it was probably a couple. She saw them together, huddled around a cozy fireplace, enjoying each other’s company. She could only hear the gentle crackles of the fireplace behind them and the murmuring of their voices echoing in her head.
Hazal froze there. Though her mind could no longer listen to the words they exchanged with each other, the sight still tears her heart to pieces.
Because it reminded her of what she’d lost.
The warmth and the love that radiated from that house. . . or rather that home. She would have thought of it as contagious had it not been for the fact she could feel nothing but jealousy flowing through her veins.
How could she have given up that same happiness? That same warmth?
It was like she had given up her own home, and the thought only added to her pain.
She tears herself away from the sight, from the sound. She finds her own body moving away, to run away from this pain.
But she only finds herself inside the phone booth, having stumbled inside it in her daze.
She closes the booth and finds that it was silent inside, and it was warm.
She could no longer hear the happy couple, nor feel the bitter cold from the outside. It should have been a respite from the outside but the warmth of the booth could not soothe the coldness that Hazal felt within herself.
She slumped against the booth, her hands gripping the cold metal tightly as she tried to steady her breathing. The memories of Tala flooded her mind, the girl’s warmth that now felt like a distant dream.
Everything was painful, but to leave without having tried at all may end up being more painful for her.
Could she allow herself to be selfish just this once?
Answering her own internal question, her hands begin to dig around her pockets for change until she finally gets a couple of quarters and shoves it into the machine.
Slowly, as if it would burn her, she picks up the phone. With shaking hands, she slowly dials Tala’s number that she’d memorized. She had to have memorized it. Because if she depended on a piece of paper to remember the only point of contact she had left with her, then she’d have truly lost everything if she’d somehow misplaced it.
Every press of a number, every time she hears the click, she feels her heart drop lower and lower and lower.
Finally, she reaches the end of the number and she hears the ringing tone. Her heart beat a little faster in anticipation.
Though all was already lost, just thinking about the fact she would be able to hear her voice again meant everything to Hazal.
One last conversation. No matter how it ends, it was still one last conversation.
That would be enough for her.
She thinks about what to say, and she finally finds a smile pulled on her face. However, her heart would drop as she hears a message play.
“Hey! It’s Neon you’re calling– or Tala, whichever one you know me by–” Hazal hears that beautiful laugh from her again. “I’m not available to take calls at the moment so just leave a message and I promise to get back to you as soon as I can!”.
She hears the beep.
“Uh–” Hazal stumbles on her words, her heart sinking as she hears the voicemail greeting. It was good. It was really good to hear her voice again. But this wasn’t what she expected and she finds herself at a momentary loss of words. But she knew she was on borrowed time. Literally. She had to say something, she needed to say something. “Hey, Tala. Um. It’s me. Hazal.”
She gulps.
“I just wanted to ask you how you’re doing. I know it’s been a while– I know you told me not to contact you but I–uh. . .”
Hazal can’t do this. She wants to put the phone down. Pretend this never happened. But it was going to be painful no matter what she did so she just chokes back the sob that threatened to come out of her.
“I’m sorry.” She says, even as the tears begin to fall from her face. “I just wanted to say that I’m. . . sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the way things ended between us. I know I hurt you and I regret it every day. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can't. All I can do now is apologize and hope that someday you can forgive me.”
She wipes them off and steels herself. It was now or never. She had to say the things she’d kept hidden for so long or she’ll never get the chance to.
“I don’t know where to start. Maybe I should start with the fact that I'm sorry for calling you even though you blocked my number for a reason.” Hazal laughs but it’s a bitter one. “I’m sorry that I hurt you with all the things I said because I was angry. I’m sorry that I’m only able to tell you now how I really feel now that you’re actually gone. I know I messed up. I know I hurt you. And I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just want you to know that I regret everything I did. I miss you so much, Tala. I miss your laugh and your voice. I miss everything about you. And I know I can’t take back what I did, but if there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, I will. I guess you can’t ever learn to appreciate the things you have until you lose them huh? But uh, your birthday is coming up soon right? I’d send you a gift but I don’t think I have the right to so um. . . advanced happy birthday. I wish I was there. I’m sorry that I won’t be.”
Hazal feels herself about to break down. There was not much spirit left in her at this point.
Short and simple. She told herself.
Keep it short and simple before she becomes an incoherent sobbing mess.
“I don't expect you to call me back or even respond to this message, but I needed to say it. I miss you, Tala. I miss us. I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I’m sorry that I can only say sorry because it’s all I can ever seem to say but there's something else I need to say, Tala. Something that I've been afraid to admit to myself, let alone to you. And I know it's too late now, but I need to tell you that. . .”
Hazal takes a deep breath.
“I love you.”
She sobs, feeling all her walls crumble and break down. The walls she’d built so carefully and reinforced over the years. It was all gone.
It takes a while before she’s able to speak again when she hears a warning tone that her message is almost finished.
She needed to finish this now.
Hazal takes another shaky breath. “I want you to be happy, Tala. That’s all I want. And if being apart from me makes you happy, then I’ll accept that. But I just needed to let you know that I still care. You don’t have to take me back. I just hope you’re okay, and that you’re happy. I love you so much, Tala. . . goodbye.”
She hears the beep, letting her know that everything really is truly over now.
Hazal felt drained and defeated. She sits there for a moment, staring at the phone in her hand before it slips from her grasp and falls to the floor. She buries her face in her hands and lets out a sob, feeling the weight of her words and emotions crush her, the heaviness of it being too much for her.
Hazal finds her back sliding down the booth’s wall and she brings her legs to her chest, hugging them closely. Though she had already been crying, she let out an even more visceral cry.
In the silence of the closed booth, Hazal slides down the wall and curls into herself.
She sobs uncontrollably, feeling the full weight of her grief and loss. At this moment, she is completely isolated from the rest of the world, consumed by her own pain and regrets.
Now she’s truly as alone as she feels.