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It appeared out of the blue.
The day I laid eyes on you for the first time. I remembered the look on your fierce piercing eyes as it collided with the wide terrified ones I had back then.
How did it blossom this way?
Jokes you played around me, so carefree in the world. I wonder how easy it was for you to roll those words out of your tongue. I wonder how easy it was for I to brush of your joke as an actual insult.
Hatred. I was so convinced I would burn in hatred.
Why did it stop? Did you have to cry?
You succumbed to weakness in front of me. The prideful person I once knew turned into a withering mess, how the tears once destroyed the facade you played on me.
It started of small. A simple pat on the back, a hug, it turned into the feeling of discomfort to a feeling of wanting to protect and shield from the world.
Years. For years it went on.
The discomfort turned into admiration.
I admired the way you stood strong. The two of us were weak back them, yet you were the mentally stronger one. I admired the way you fought back all the inner demons while I nearly succumbed to hell.
It changed after that.
Those jokes and hatred bloomed and grew into something beautiful. It rebirthed into something more admirable to look at, more gorgeous by the day.
Gorgeous and beauty, meant delicacy and fear.
I've been wanting to say this for a very long time. Holding something in is something that should not be followed by anyone. The art of maintaining bubbles inside a bottle would eventually errupt, and that's what I feared.
When did admiration develop into something petrifying.
When did admiration develop into something dangerous within your stomach? It was enough to make your intestines quiver. Tingly feelings were all around, and the thought terrified me.
That year, that specific year.
I could no longer endure it.
It was like playing fire with fire. Those feelings blossomed into something deadly, something that should not be tampered with. Something that should not be paid attention to.
The cool breeze of the wind was worse. It felt as cold as ice despite the flames burning deep within. Why?
Everything errupted eventually.
That year. That specific year.
I've hid it for so long. This was what lead to the waterfall breaking and the dam breaking. The volcano errupted as soon as it happened, without stopping or giving myself any room to talk or defend myself.
It was okay after that.
The façade was completely broken down now.
Two people, almost like they were meant for each other. Nothing came through our way. Everything was going well with the way you talked, the way you laughed, everything was going so well.
The months felt like fantasy. It felt like childlike wonder. It molded into a mystical forest, where none had anything related to evil attached to them. It felt as if it were the garden of eden, where Adam and Eve roamed free without a care in the world.
That's when Eve fell into temptation.
That's where an important detail was overlooked.
That's where secrets were unveiled, and that's when the magical garden we once were descended into madness. Fire burned all the leaves, and you're left wondering what went wrong.
Trust was something I valued. Trust amongst the ones that you care about a lot, ones that do not turn your back when the fire is burning, ones that genuinely would take a word from what was promised. Ones that won't fall for the white lies.
In trust, it strengthens a bond.
And with trust, it ruined one too.
That year, that specific year.
I lost you.
Day by day I sit and ponder. Would any of this have happened if no promises or white lies were involved in the issue? Would any of this happened if I never bothered to get smart with myself in front of them again.
The guilt that started bubbling inside of me indicates that this whole incident wouldn't have happened if I tried a different approach. One where I shouldn't have tried anything at all in the first place, once for which I should settle for the harsh reality.
"The two of you are like fire with fire. The fury matches between the two of you and thus, creating an electrocuting bomb that would eventually wipe out everything. One single mess up, would mess the whole equation just like an asymptote."
Hatred.
Those jokes that you made as a child.
Eventually, it developed into actual burning fury by the end of the day.
And here I find myself petrified once more. Afraid of what would become of us, how everything would end, how I can pay for the suffering that caused you.
I've been hiding it for too long. I was scared of coming out, I was scared of provoking the potential inner demon that resided deep within you. I wanted to say something, to apologize for everything that I had caused both of us to endure.
How long am I supposed to leave it buried?
Your fury errupted and practically shouted at me through raging lightning, as if you deserved an answer.
You did, you deserve an answer, an apology, and so much more.
Year, after year, and finally after year.
Everything was coming to an end.
Without a blink of an eye, the day may come where we part ways forever. Where an eternal love I've declared for us would eventually die down as it is the last time I'd ever lay eyes on you.
The lingering hatred was still there, and I know that we are not okay.
I told myself that I will not let it end this way.
I told myself that I will fix everything.
Everything we've endured together.
And maybe in the end, I could've been liberated from these feelings that chained me down as well.
Crying.
The day came, frabjous day.
The day Alice slays the Jabberwocky, and the day I will liberate myself from these feelings once and for all.
Only for myself to pull back in the fear of seeing the hatred and rejection in your eyes.
And the guilt only carried and would last till the end of eternity.
"I declared my love towards you as eternal." And so did the guilt I carried towards you.
Now cry.
I can't help but feel so sorry towards you. Towards myself, towards everyone which got tangled up in the string of white lies and ongoing rumours.
Again, cry.
I'm sorry I could not protect you from them.
I'm sorry that you were painted as the villain the story due to my mistake. I'm sorry that people are hating on your existence because of a sin I have commited towards the both of us.
Deeper and deeper.
Everything is at a standstill.
It's almost as if time kept reversing over and over again.
A bare fragment of you would find its way to crawl out of the darkest bits of hell to ruin my life at certain times.
The more I sit there and relive every single thing, the deeper the wound carved. The worse it gets, the worse the heart is, the worse everything is.
Bubbling with acidic foam, the shadow cries in the stead of the light. The light soars freely without a care in the world, while the shadow is left to pick up the remnants and left overs which remained.
The shadow owes it's birth to the light.
So why was the light punished instead?
How could the innocent you be shunned and shamed like you were guilty of murder for something that I have commited against you?
How could the fragile you, the same person who fought through all the negativity for years be blamed for this issue.
The friendship was broken due to this. Everything went downhill as soon as people started putting the blame on you.
Was it my fault?
Or was it the people who tangled themselves in the web of lies?
Stop crying, stop crying about it.
Back then, who would be in their right mind?
"Why'd you do that to me then?"
I'm sorry.
I had till this day, no right to tell you what to do, or what you should do. I have no right to even involve myself in your life anymore.
The guilt prevents everything.
The devil laughs.
The devil laughs as the sinner collapses.
Down was the slave that succumb towards the devil. Down was the shadow that eventually faded into darkness.
A shadow was one with the darkness after all.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The devil taunts day by day.
Night after night, everything is just the same.
No matter how hard we try to move on from our daily lives, no matter how hard the two of us tried to conceal the truth from emerging through the surface,
What's done is done and can't be erased.
The images of you flash by.
Dreams after dreams. Begging for forgiveness, begging for a release, begging for everything to go back to normal.
I'd rather take the person that pretended to hate me and joked around with me as a child instead of someone who looked at me as if we did not live through the incident that very year.
Images of your disappointed look would flash everytime I even consider opening up the keyboard to send a quick text.
"Are you calling me a sinner?"
I acknowledge it, what more do I have to say?
I ruined us, I ruined everything.
The devil dances a joyous dance, just like the serpent did when Eve first took a bite out of the fruit of the tree of knowledge for good and evil.
The shadow submits.
The shadow owes it's birth to the light anyway.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry for putting you through all that due to my incompetent mind.
I was pathetic, a pathetic little being that gave into the temptation. I submitted way back then due to the dangerous acid that threatened to break free from my stomach. I violated the law of nature, a taboo which shouldn't have been done in the first place.
Despite the gap between us, I rocked it and went for the kill, without even caring if it was still within your boundaries or not.
You agreed anyway, I assumed it was okay.
Was that the devil in disguise?
Was it the devil that tempted me?
Or was it a punishment from god for breaking the law of nature.
It started with one person. The one became two, the two became four, and the four became eight. Sooner or later, it multiplied as squares and eventually almost over a hundred and twenty eight people found out about everything.
It started with one.
Is that one person to be blamed?
Or was it I for saying anything in the first place.
In the end, I can't blame anyone but myself.
I started it by gaining feelings. I started it by spilling the secret of many years to one person. I started it by initiating myself to talk to you in the first place. I started it by allowing that one person to spread it among close circles. I started it by not shutting down any rumours due to how stunned I was when it reached you.
If I had not have done anything, then none of this would've happened, and we'd still be normal people, and I wouldn't be feeling like the devil had swallowed me whole.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
My light, the dear light.
The owner of the shadow in the first place.
Please illuminate my sins.
I can't turn back no longer.
What's done is done.
How long will I keep rambling? It's as if I've been rambling on and on.
You felt it too right?
You felt how much I kept repeating the words?
That's the constant state of mind I go through every single day and I am tired.
I want to break free.
I want to be liberated.
I feel like dying, dying every day.
Nothing is normal or right anymore.
Is this my punishment?
Losing your grip of humanity because everything revolved around you. Losing your thought to connect with others because of wrapping them inside of your mess that you created with that very person, one you declared love as eternal? Losing all the ability to fall in love again due to this huge sin.
Is this a punishment?
Please punish me at this point.
I'm tired and I want to rest.
God, whatever I had done, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I had done.
Please punish me so I can get on with life.
Please punish me so I can finally be liberated and free from these fucking feelings.
Dear god, please free me from this curse.
I don't want to live like this anymore.
Please forgive my sins.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
And time stops eventually.
The stigma of committing that sin would forever be within me, deep within my mind.
And there's no way I can escape it.
If you are here, reading this.
I am sorry.
Happy tenth.