Chapter Text
MAY 29 2012
Sitting on her bed listening to Brittany talk about how excited she was to visit her in Louisville; Santana was quiet. She wanted to match her girlfriends’ enthusiasm so badly, but she couldn’t shake the conversation she’d had with her mother earlier.
“I trust you. I trust your dreams, and your talent. And I pity anyone who tries to get in your way.” she had said, words affirmed with a generous cheque as a gift for her high school graduation.
Santana had the ambition, the looks, the talent, and now the means to do it all; but there was one thing holding her back. One huge thing.
How could she possibly go to New York when it meant leaving the person she loved behind? Brittany was stuck in Lima for at least another year, something that had come as a shock for Santana to discover earlier this week.
Clearly Brittany had been worried about telling her, and now Santana was worried to tell her about the money she had received from her mom and what this could mean for the dynamics in their relationship.
But if one thing being with Brittany had taught Santana, it was to share your feelings with the person you love, so she hesitantly broached the subject.
“Britt…do you think you and I could work long-distance?”
Brittany paused on applying her mascara to look at Santana in the mirror.
“It’s not that far San, we’re going to be seeing each other every weekend. We can take it in turns to drive to each other and…”
“I mean long-distance between here and New York.” Santana interrupted, swallowing in anticipation for Brittany’s response.
Brittany placed the mascara wand back in the tube with a frown, turning to face her girlfriend.
“But your mom wants you to go to college. At dinner the other night she said…”
“I know.” Santana cut in, she had a bad habit of interrupting when she was nervous “she did say that, but since then she’s had a change of heart. She knows going to college is her dream and not mine, and she wants me to make my own decisions in life. She even gave me the money to go.”
She pulled out the envelope and handed it to Brittany, studying her face as the blonde studied the check.
Brittany said nothing for a few moments, before wrinkling her nose, something that Santana observed she did when she was sad.
“But…I got you that scholarship, for Louisville.”
“I know.” Santana smiled sympathetically, reaching out for Brittany’s hand. “I know, and I’m so grateful for that. But I just don’t think it’s right for me. I think that New York…”
“So, you’re leaving me behind?” Brittany was the one to interrupt this time, as she pulled her hand away. Suddenly her tone was defensive not sad, and it was a tone that Santana wasn’t used to hearing from her girlfriend. She felt her stomach knotting at the way the conversation was going.
“Well, no. We’ll still be together, we’ll still see each other, just maybe not as often as we would if I was to stay in Louisville. But you can come visit whenever you want and we’ll have so much fun and…”
“I don’t want to.” Brittany cut in again.
“What? Britt, what do you mean?”
“I mean I don’t want to do that level of distance. It’s too hard, San. I’ll miss you too much. I won’t cope without you. I know I won’t.”
“But we were going to be long-distance anyway, Louisville is hardly closeby.”
“It’s closer than New York!” Brittany argued back, “and I just don’t see how I’ll fit into your life there. You’ll be too busy for me and we’ll just end up fighting and…it’s not going to work.”
“Babe, don’t be silly! You’ll always fit into my life, no matter where I am.” Santana protested.
“I just can’t believe you’d make a big decision like this without me.”
Santana’s chest felt heavy as she looked at her girlfriend. Her big blue eyes were sad and watery, and Santana couldn’t bear it.
“But you seemed fine when we talked about it the other day.”
“I guess I didn’t think it would become a reality. I thought your mom would persuade you to go to college.”
Santana looked down, she wasn’t sure where to go from here.
“So…what do we do?” she questioned.
“Well, I guess we break up.” Brittany shrugged.
Santana wasn’t sure what shocked her more, the fact Brittany had even suggested that or how blasé she was when she said it.
“You can’t be serious?”
“I already told you. It’s not going to work.”
Santana’s chest pounded as her own eyes began to fill with tears. She had expected the conversation to be challenging, but she could never have predicted this. She managed to splutter out the three words she had struggled to say to Brittany for so long.
“But…I love you.”
“Well clearly you love New York more.” Brittany simply shrugged once more as she exited Santana’s room.
That was how Santana had wound up here, wasted at Rachel’s graduation party, after some frantic sobbing in her room and numerous ignored calls and texts to Brittany. They were meant to come here together, but Brittany had never shown.
Around 10 drinks in, Santana had stopped helplessly staring at the door. It had taken shots on top of that to get the girl (almost) out of her mind, as she contemplated whether they were really over or if Brittany was just acting on emotion.
She hoped for the latter, but for now, all she could do was drink her sorrows away. She hadn’t even realized she was the only person left.
She was just wondering where Rachel and Finn had got to when the quarterback charged through the living room, slamming the door behind him. He looked upset, rather than angry, and Santana guessed from the screeching she could hear in the background that he and Rachel had a fight.
The Latina was about to take this as her cue to tap out but the closer she got to the door, the louder Rachel’s cries got, and she felt something tug at her heart strings. Just a few hours earlier, she had been crying like that, so empathizing with Berry for once wasn’t hard.
She tentatively entered Rachel’s room to find her in a rather sorry looking state. She usually teased the smaller girl relentlessly, but even she could admit it was a pretty hard sight to see Rachel like this.
“Rachel, what happened? Are you okay?”
“It’s Finn.” Rachel finally managed to say in between hyperventilations, “he’s broken up with me.”
“What!? Why? I thought you two were getting married!”
Santana wondered what the hell was in the air tonight. First her and Brittany, and now Rachel and Finn. Were the wonder twins going to be next?
“He said he’s doing this because he loves me. He said he’s setting me free. But how can I go on without him Santana? How?”
And that was how Santana and Rachel wound up drinking tequila straight out of the bottle on their graduation night. Instead of toasting their newfound freedom they were drowning their sorrows in their breakups. It was the first time they had ever bonded over something other than Glee Club.
Of course there was the time when Rachel had stood in Santana’s corner when she was outed (no thanks to Finn), but tonight was the first time Santana saw something relatable in Rachel. And it was the first time Rachel saw something vulnerable in Santana.
On one hand, Rachel was glad of the tequila to numb her thoughts, on the other she was regretting how much it made her blurt all her feelings out, even more so than she did on a regular basis.
Her head rested on Santana’s shoulder as her latest thought came to fruition.
“You know, I’ve always wondered what it feels like to kiss a girl.”
Santana burst into laughter.
“Wow, Berry. I don’t know if this is the heartbreak or the drink talking but I know it’s not you, because you sure as hell don’t like girls like that.”
“And how would you know?”
“Well, your tears tonight alone tell me you’re not gay, and you’re not cool enough to be bi so…”
“Actually Santana, have you considered that as the daughter of two gay dads, maybe I don’t believe in labels? Maybe I just believe in love, whoever that may be with.”
“Wait for real?” Santana raised her eyebrows.
“Why is that so hard to believe? Like I just said. Two.gay.dads.”
“Yeah, and my parents are both straight but look at me.” Santana nudged the smaller girl playfully “that’s neat though. I didn’t know you were so open. You’ve always seemed so uptight.”
“Well, be fair Santana. You’ve never really taken the time to get to know me properly.”
“That’s fair.” Santana shrugged, “but I’m getting to know you now aren’t I?”
Rachel nodded, as Santana inched slightly closer. Because as much as tequila made Rachel Berry loose-lipped, it made Santana Lopez one thing…
Horny .
“And…I could get to know you a little more intimately , if you want?” she teased.
Rachel gulped, allowing Santana to inch towards her. Before the smaller girl could even process what was happening, their lips had meshed together and they were now a passionate clash of teeth and tongue.
It was hot, and Rachel was a good kisser, Santana could give her that.
They both giggled as they moved towards the bedroom, whatever they were doing felt incredibly naughty and out of the blue, even if they were bound to regret it in the morning with sober heads.
Santana moaned into the kiss as she began vastly removing articles of clothing.
“Am I a good kisser? Because Finn said I am but I’m not sure if kissing girls is…”
“Rachel, shut up!” Santana spoke against Rachel’s mouth through kisses, the husky laugh she let out made Rachel feel funny inside.
Through the haze of alcohol she couldn’t believe she was actually doing this. She was about to have lesbian sex. With Santana of all people! She had no idea how she would process this in the morning.
Part of her wondered if Santana was just pranking her, but the Latina girl was on the bed clad in a matching set of black lace looking ready to pounce, and Rachel admitted, she looked effortlessly sexy.
Rachel wasn’t quite so prepared for this. She took one last envious look at Santana before heading towards the bathroom.
“Hey, where are you going?” Santana frowned.
“I’m just going to go brush my teeth. I’m quite aware I’ve had a lot to drink tonight and…”
“I don’t mind.” Santana cut in, one hand resting behind her head confidently.
“I do.” Rachel smiled nervously, as she fiddled around with her record player before excusing herself to the bathroom.
Santana looked on bemused. Was she seriously about to get her mack on to The Police? There weren’t many occasions where Santana said no to music, but this certainly felt like one of them.
Listening to “Every Breath You Take” and waiting around for what felt like forever for Rachel to finish her vigorous bathroom routine had certainly killed Santana’s lady boner.
She found her hastily discarded dress and wriggled back into it with a sigh. She was suddenly beginning to sober up and felt a heavy mix of shame and regret.
Without warning, the bathroom door swung open, and there stood Rachel Berry in nothing but her underwear and graduation cap.
The jazz hands soon disappeared when she realized Santana was standing half dressed ready to leave.
“Oh…you’re going?”
Santana shuffled awkwardly.
“Well, you know, it’s getting light out so I thought…”
Rachel had never felt so embarrassed in her life, and there had been many occasions of embarrassment in her 18 years on earth.
“Oh. Of course. You should go if you want to go.”
“I really just thought you might want to get some sleep.”
“That’s sweet of you. Just go. It’s fine, honestly.”
“I can stay if you want to?” Santana offered, feeling guilty about her plan of just escaping without a word.
“Oh no, sneak off, it’s totally fine.”
Santana sighed exasperated because clearly, Rachel wasn’t fine. First the music, now this, she was determined to make the experience extremely weird for them both.
“I wasn’t sneaking off, I was just…”
“Go out the window for all I care, Santana. It’s fine.” said the smaller girl, who by now had wrapped a blanket around herself to shield her modesty, the bright red graduation cap had been discarded on the floor and Rachel was sure she’d have to burn it in the morning to rid herself of the memory.
“Look I’ll stay alright? I’ll stay.” Santana insisted. She had spent years sneaking out of Brittany’s bed and seeing Rachel like this was a cruel reminder of how pitiful Britt used to look back in those days. She’d vowed never to make a girl feel used for her body again. She hadn’t even gotten past first base with Rachel, but still. She removed her stiletto shoes to climb back into bed, but thought better of removing her dress.
Rachel smiled appreciatively. It was sweet of Santana to care enough about her feelings, however strange this whole situation was.
“Sorry, I’m no good at this.”
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten carried away. I mean what were we thinking anyway? I love Britt, and you love Finn. What a ridiculous idea.” Santana scoffed.
Rachel couldn’t help but feel slightly hurt. She wasn’t fully sure why, but then she did hate anything that could be perceived as a rejection. She bashfully pulled on a shirt for bed, making sure the blanket didn’t fall and expose her again.
“Yeah, ridiculous.” Rachel agreed, hoping her voice didn’t sound too disappointed. Maybe she hadn’t sobered up yet like Santana.
“Let’s just never speak of this night again.” Santana laughed. “I’m sure this time tomorrow I’ll be with Britt and you’ll be with Finn and all of this will be forgotten.”
Another stab of disappointment hit Rachel and she swallowed her emotions.
“Sure.” she smiled meekly.
“Still friends though right?” Santana checked, sensing Rachel’s off mood. She had only befriended the girl in recent weeks, after years of making her life hell, and she didn’t want to lose her friendship.
“Of course! Friends.” said Rachel, in her best enthusiastic tone. She lay back on the bed as Santana shuffled aside to make room for her.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Santana studied her.
“Yeah. Let’s get some sleep.” Rachel rolled over, turning her back on the girl. Santana watched her for a second before reaching for her phone that she had flung out of her bra earlier.
Her eyes widened as she saw an unread text message from Brittany.
I’m sorry, San. I just got caught by surprise. I love you and I want to try make this work. We’ll talk tomorrow.
The Latina let out the biggest sigh of relief. She was relieved she didn’t follow things through with Rachel, and even more relieved that things between her and Brittany were going to be okay.
She text Brittany back telling her how much she loved her before setting her phone back down and turning on her side again. Though Rachel had her back to her, she sensed sadness from the girl, and she could swear she heard a sniffing sound.
Cautiously, she reached out and wrapped her arm around the smaller girl, before whispering;
“You and Finn will be okay Rach, I’m sure of it.”
She heard no response, so she assumed Rachel had fallen asleep. She had just closed her eyes and began to drift off when Rachel spoke.
“As we’re friends, if we’re not feeling too hungover tomorrow, do you want to do something? Me and you?”
Santana knew she’d be occupied with Brittany but she felt bad turning Rachel down, especially after the earlier incident.
“Mm-hm. Can do.”
Hopefully Rachel would forget all about it in the morning.